SESAME STREET — The owner of used record store Mono Mono (Doot-Doo DooDooDoo) rejected a large clutch of records from longtime Street resident Cookie Monster due to the dubious bite shapes in them, sources confirmed amidst errant crumbs flying every which-way.
“This isn’t the first time that googly-eyed menace has tried to pull a fast one on me, and from now on, this episode is brought to that fuzzy blue freak by the number ‘86’ as far as I’m concerned,” said record purveyor Garry Grooves, as his little felt arms flailed around in frustration. “This is worse than the time someone tried to sell me a stack of, quote-unquote, ‘LPs’ and they turned out to be sentient letters of the alphabet! I’d call these chomped-on records ‘trash,’ but you’d be surprised at the price this one particular guy will pay for actual garbage around here.”
Cookie Monster, the culprit in question, elicited suspicion when he was unable to make true eye contact with anyone contacting him for a statement.
“It not me fault that vinyl record happen to look like delicious, mouth-watering chocolate cookie! Who among us have never thought of taking big bite out of both discs of ‘Sandinista!’, me ask you?” said the beloved Muppet character while reading from a statement that he subsequently consumed. “Furthermore, me offended that me being blamed for this infraction, just based on me name. Me have on good authority that it was uhhhh, Grover! Yes, Grover who took those bites out of records. Grover, that’s it! Go speak with him…after you let me take closer look at that yummy looking microphone head you holding.”
Local harsh noise musician Leland Gorr, who performs under the moniker Unexamined Crevice, was saddened to have missed out on the opportunity to buy the destroyed records.
“Aw man, I would have paid top dollar for those bitten records. I hate to sound like a cliche audiophile or whatever, but I just prefer the skipping, crackling tone of vinyl that’s had a bite taken out of it by a beloved childhood character,” said Gorr while placing the needle on a 7” chomped on by the Tasmanian Devil. “I’m just comforted in knowing that the sounds entering my eardrums were deemed delicious enough by a hungry puppet, cartoon, or claymation Abominable Snowman. Again, I’m sorry I’m a total parody of myself, I apologize.”
At press time, Garry Grooves was once again exasperated by a potential sale of round objects when a shifty Muppet in a trenchcoat whispered “Psst…would you like to buy an O?”