Man Out to Fancy Dinner with Girlfriend Stares Longingly at Dive Bar Across the Street

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Dan Stanford was accused of derailing date night at an upscale restaurant after he spent most of the evening gazing longingly at the dive bar across the street, patrons have reported.

“I’m really trying to be in the moment and enjoy dinner, truly! It’s not my fault I have a clear view of the alluring neon beer signs beckoning me inside. You think I want to pay $23 for a cheeseburger when I could be eating 50-cent wings and loading up the jukebox with ‘90s hardcore?” said Stanford. “God, I bet it smells like Pabst and cigarettes in there. You know, the scent of a good time. If I tell my girlfriend the charcuterie board is blowing right through me, I can sneak out the bathroom window and catch the end of happy hour.”

Stanford’s girlfriend Kelly Jones could tell he was preoccupied throughout the entire meal despite her attempts to redirect his attention.

“All I wanted was one night we don’t go somewhere I can barely see and have to dodge pool stick-wielding drunks. This place had a six-week waitlist on top of it being our five-year anniversary, the least he could do is not look at that fucking hole in the wall like he’s pining for some unrequited love,” said Jones. “I mean, they’re pairing wine with every one of these six courses, does he really need his alcohol served in a dirty pint glass to feel happy? And to think I finally brought him somewhere he has to tuck in his shirt.”

The dive bar’s owner admitted that much of their revenue comes from patrons escaping insufferable dining atmospheres.

“See, the trick was to never sell out as the neighborhood started gentrifying. This street was overrun with investors cranking out high end restaurants a few years back, and to their credit it’s served the area well. But I can safely say half of our patrons are people who’ve ditched those places once they realize they’ve paid for a black Russian marked up by 400 percent,“ said Max Blum. “We’re like a pierced alternative girl at a party full of rich assholes. We may look out of place but you can be sure as shit we’re a hell of a lot more fun.”

At press time, Stanford was on the brink of being kicked out after attempting to replicate the dive bar experience by slamming six shots of rail whiskey and demanding the bartender change the music from Vivaldi to Crass.

Security Blanket? This Woman Brings Her IBS Everywhere

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Meet Ashley Hightower, a 28 year-old-college graduate from an upper-middle-class family. Like a lot of us, she has severe anxiety, but she manages that with her coping mechanism of choice, which is having chronic IBS that she carries with her everywhere.

Ashley has lived alongside this enabling affliction for nearly a decade and, despite the mess she makes in every public bathroom she enters, she considers IBS to be an invisible illness and she’s hoping to spread awareness.

“Nobody sees the countless crumpled brown baby wipes, the bloody hemorrhoids, and the bed covered in empty foils of Gas-X that I’m saving for an art project at my Aunt’s gallery next March. All they see is a well-off white woman with a perfect rack. It’s really hard,” Ashley lamented.

Luckily, Ashley doesn’t have to deal with her delusions all alone. She has been an active member of a Facebook support group, Angels for IBS, for years. There, she has met other like-minded and foul-bowelled baddies who also never want to get better. The group has even provided Ashley access to exclusive scholarships and grants for disadvantaged people making an identity out of having IBS.

“It’s like Make-a-Wish, but for IBS and not terminal leukemia,” Ashley explained.

Angels for IBS gave Ashley the confidence to show her true self to people in her day-to-day life as well. “I joke with my coworkers about it now. I tell them all the juicy details. This one time I even yelled ‘My cup runneth over!’ as I ran down the hall to the bathroom, shit dripping down my leg. It’s been so freeing being able to live my truth,” Ashley said with a smile. She used to live a stifling life of not constantly sharing the intimate details of her bowels with anyone who will listen.

Ashley’s newfound confidence initially relieved some of her symptoms. However, she has always been very committed to her community and takes all necessary measures to keep suffering in loudness. “I had to up my intake of coffee and soft cheese at first, but thankfully I’m back to weaponizing my IBS as a get-out-of-jail-free card to bail on any of my commitments,” said Ashley.

Angels for IBS has recently partnered with another popular Facebook support group named Anemic5Ever to organize an outreach brunch targeting other boring young women. Both support groups value the safety of their communities and take a very serious anti-bullying stance. They warn that anyone using gaslighty or invalidating language suggesting there may be permanent solutions to either of these issues will be swiftly blocked.

37-Year-Old Turns Down Taking Back Sunday When Driving By Teenagers

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LOS ANGELES — Local self-described “elder emo” Jasper Berkeley, 37, turned down the volume to his car stereo playing Taking Back Sunday’s 2002 classic “Cute Without The ‘E’ (Cut From The Team)” in a knee-jerk reaction when stopped at a red light next to a Jeep full of teenagers, snickering sources confirmed.

“It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or anything. Yeah I could see them pointing at me, and one of them rolled their eyes so hard I thought she was going to black out, but I maintain that I turned the music down out of politeness,” remarked Berkeley. “I know at that age kids need to be really focused on the road and not have any distractions make them lose that focus. Yeah, they were playing music and talking too but I didn’t want to add to the ambient noise. We made brief eye contact and I heard them laughing but it was definitely because it was a funny moment, not because I was hitting the chorus at full volume doing my best Adam Lazzara. Couldn’t have been, because they would have been cheering me on if that was the case.”

Daisy Bata, one of the teenagers in the Jeep, was not able to capture the moment on their phones fast enough to their dismay.

“When we pulled up next to the Subaru we almost thought it was my dad because he also plays those types of songs when he’s alone in the garage. We kept trying to get his attention after he turned the volume down to give him a thumbs up for his performance but he ignored us.” relayed the 18-year-old high school senior. “He seemed kind of scared, almost like he was in a bad neighborhood and didn’t want to bring any attention to himself. But we still wanted to give him a thumbs up for effort because we love people who feel young.”

Behavior Expert in the new field of ‘Millenial Embarrassment of Nostalgia’ Donald Canard explained this new phenomenon.

“Whereas previous generations love to compare their nostalgia as superior to the newer generations, we found that Millennials seem to have anxiety when having to present it to younger folks out of fear of being judged and being labeled as ‘uncool,’” clarified Canard. “The music, fashion, and trends of early 2000s kids who are now adults still hasn’t retro’d therefore the kids who are trendsetters now don’t find any value in their elder’s past. Once a younger group of kids re-discovers this era and makes Fashioncore a thing again then it won’t be so bad. And if that never comes, we may have a social crisis in the near future.”

At press time, Berkeley was given a second written warning at work for playing From Autumn to Ashes’ “Short Stories With Tragic Endings” too loud in his cubicle.

Republican Lawmakers Break Ground on “Never Remember 1/6” Memorial

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Republican lawmakers today broke ground on a new memorial to not commemorate the insurrection riots that took place in and around the Capitol Building on January 6th, 2021, multiple self-described American patriots confirmed.

“Today, we unveil a memorial in honor of an event that we can’t really recall even happening,” said Senator Rand Paul from the alleyway behind a Waffle House. “The events of that day are undoubtedly vague in all of our collective memories as a nation. I think maybe it was cold that day and cloudy? Can’t recall much else myself, tried looking at my daily calendar and there wasn’t much to speak of. I think the Eagles were playing the Cowboys that Saturday, who can really say?” continued Paul while looking at his phone and walking back to his motorcade. “With this monument, we can ensure that January 6th, 2021 is a day we certainly will never remember and we can all stop talking about it now and forever.”

Some supporters of former President Trump say they are excited to visit the memorial once it is completed to relive a date that for them does not in any way bring up painful memories.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to them being done building that memorial so I can visit and not pay my respect,” said Frank Dunlap. “I seen [sic] that they will be selling shirts and flags that say ‘Never Remember 1/6‘ printed on them, and I think it’s important for everybody in the country, led by President Trump, to continue to not remember what happened on that day three, or five, or ten years ago or whatever the liberal media would have you believe. I was at the Capitol that day and I honestly don’t remember anything happening, business as usual.”

Political analyst Morgan Lewski says the memorial shows signs that unbelievably there may in fact be a divide in the country on what is actually reality that runs along political lines.

“As shocking as it may sound, I believe we may have two sides of the political spectrum in this country who don’t agree on some things, especially the concept of observable truth,” said Lewski. “On the one hand, you have reasonable people who saw what happened that day and actually remember, and on the other, you have right-wing nutjobs who would love to just talk about anything else. Personally, I say we go with the Right’s perspective. We’re all fucked anyway so we might as well get weird and invent our own reality.”

At press time, witnesses claim to have seen members of Trump’s staff placing boxes of classified documents into the hole dug for the monument.

Guy From Your Floor in College That Only Knew How Play Intro for “Today” Announced as New Guitarist for The Smashing Pumpkins

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

CHICAGO — Shortly after The Smashing Pumpkins began holding open auditions for a new guitarist they shocked the world by announcing 38-year-old Jared Buchford, the guy from your floor in college who only knew how to play the intro for “Today,” as their newest band member.

“His audition tape really stood out because he didn’t bother with professional lighting or sound, he recorded in a dark basement straight into an old iPhone,” said Pumpkins’ commander-in-chief Billy Corgan. “I mean for one thing, out of all the videos we received he was the only one playing a round-back Ovation acoustic guitar that was missing a string. That really showed he was willing to push the envelope. There was just something so raw and powerful about the way he kept getting angry at himself and saying ‘wait, hold on, lemme start over’ every time he messed up. I can’t wait to show that power to the world. After only a couple tries and then accidentally dropping his pick in the sound hole, he pretty much nailed the intro for ‘Today,’ or as he called it, ‘the doo-doo diddley part,’ which is how I’ve always referred to it in band practice as well.

Buchford himself was surprised to get the call from Corgan.

“I actually hadn’t touched the guitar since college, and I had to ask my niece to tune it. And the strings were pretty gross. But eventually, it all kinda came back. Just like riding a bike or driving a car,” said the Worcester, Mass. native who has two DUIs and a “Boondock Saints” poster on his wall. “But I can’t wait to learn the rest of ‘Today.’ I also liked that ‘vampire’ song. And that other one too. I know working with Billy is going to be great, he seems like a really fun guy.”

While the move by the group may seem bizarre, rock and roll archivist Charles Farrelly says it’s becoming more and more common for bands to find members in unconventional ways.

“Classic rock titans Journey famously found their current vocalist Arnel Pineda via YouTube,” said Farrely. “But it doesn’t stop there. Queen met ‘American Idol’ contestant Adam Lambert when they guested on said show, leading them to ask him on tour. And metalcore giants All That Remains found their vocalist Phil Labonte when he was yelling conspiracy theories into a megaphone outside an Applebees.”

At press time, Buchford was reportedly headed to a Guitar Center to “see what they have that’s under 100 bucks.”

Aging Folk Singer Has “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” Sharpied on Each Orthopedic Shoe

Posted on by Chris Bowen

TULSA, Okla. — Local folk singer John “Ramblin’ Gamblin’” Shandling, age 41, took a firm stance against chronic foot pain by scrawling “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” on each of his orthopedic shoes, several Steinbeckian sources report.

“Plantar Fasciitis is the biggest threat to all us folks who are fortunate enough to be able to walk on our own two feet. And as long as I’m livin’ and singin’, I aim to fight the good fight against it on all fronts,” Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Shandling explained, adding the good people at Dr. Sholes deserve credit for being at the helm of the battle of comfort and proper arch support. “Us folk singers have a duty to spread the word about threats like these. Plus I think Woody Guthrie himself would appreciate and be blown away with the shoe technology we have today. I’m sure he could have used it.”

Member of the Anti-Plantar Fasciitis (or ANTIPFA) movement Rachel Owenowski talks about the working class, grassroots movement to rid the world of the insidious infliction of foot-related pain.

“The ANTIPFA movement has no leaders, no officers, no hidden agendas, and no specific organizational structure. This movement was created, and is run by, people who see the pain caused by P.F. and its rise among aging individuals as a fundamental threat to our quality of life,” Owenowski said passionately, adding P.F. has no place in modern society and must be destroyed. “We see victims of it even at our own rallies! That shows you how important it is for everyone above 35 to be educated, and be equipped with the proper footwear and need to learn proper stretches to alleviate the pain.”

Orthopedic specialist Dr. Michelle Ruiz explains that musicians have always fought on the right side of the battle against foot-related injuries.

“If you think about it, it makes complete and total sense that musicians would stand up to the grim world of foot pain. I’d wager around half of all musicians have to be on their feet night after night performing in front of crowds while standing, and that brings potential hazards with it,” Dr. Ruiz explained. “So that foot pain, and songs like ‘Talking My Foot Hurts Like a Bastard Blues’ really help the common people relate to big shot celebrities like Bob Dylan. Otherwise, the average Joe Schmoe might think he was a sellout or something.”

At press time, Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Shandling was working on a ballad that warned people of the perils of heartburn.

Uh Oh! Dad Left You With the Cart to go Get Bread, and the Front of the Line Looms Ever Closer

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

This certainly isn’t good. You’ve been left alone to watch the cart, and your turn at the cashier is rapidly approaching. But you don’t have money, you’re just a kid, and if something doesn’t change soon you are going to cry so much the store will flood. Your dad said he only needed to quickly grab some bread and that he would be right back, but you see through that bullshit. You know he’s not going to be back anytime soon, he’s probably talking to one of his adult friends about smoking cigarettes and taxes. This is every seven-year-old’s worst nightmare, but I’m sure you’ll be alright.

Your throat begins to dry up, and you feel cold on the back of your neck. Maybe if you try to stand very, very still, both you and the cart will be hidden from sight and you’ll make it out of this alive. That seems like a logical idea. Well, it did seem like a good plan, until you promptly ruined it by sneezing in the most dramatic way possible.

This is going to be fine, trust me. The cashier motioned to the guy in front of you to step forward, which means you’re up next. He has a cart, but on closer inspection, he seems to only be buying butter toffee and cigarettes. Time is running out. You try to peer over the magazines, but unfortunately you’re only four feet tall and can’t see anything over them.

Then you have a genius idea – why not scream that there’s a fire? Then you wouldn’t have to talk to the terrifying cashier at all, though people would quickly realize there is not in fact a fire and you would probably be executed or something like that. That leaves you only one reasonable option: actually starting a fire.

There are lighters for sale right here, so if you just grab one and hold it up to the magazines you’ll be home free. You try it once and nothing happens. The customer in front of you is getting out his wallet, ready to pay. You’re out of time. You flick it again, and again there’s no result. Your tiny little hands are too weak to push down the child safety latch. It’s over.

As you try one more time, it finally works. You have created fire! You bring it up to the gossip magazines, your brilliant plan finally about to come to fruition. You won’t have to talk to the cashier, or anyone! But then finally, after what feels like forever, you see a tall figure on the edge of your vision. You look up, and your father has returned with a single loaf of bread, just as he promised. He looks at you, his expression a mix of confusion and terror.

“Really? I leave for thirty seconds, and you try to start a fire? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Millennial’s Retirement Plan Contingent on Rare Records Never Being Repressed

Posted on by Brett Olsen

AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of his records get repressed, confirmed multiple sources on Discogs.

“I looked at the numbers and having a 401K, Roth IRA, home equity, or even a solid savings account are not as valuable as having an original ‘Chung King Can Suck It.’ It’s all about liquidity. You have to be 59½ to withdraw from a 401K without penalties. Meanwhile my albums are readily accessible, unopened, and inhabit most of my living room,” said a self-assured Lindberg. “My diversified collection of original pressings, picture discs, limited editions, and three copies of ‘Blonde’ by Frank Ocean guarantees an exponential return on investment that could survive any period of economic downturn.”

Some, like Lindberg’s roommate Greg Spanos, aren’t so certain.

“He’s living in a fucking fantasy. I’ve been roommates with the guy for years because it’s cheap as fuck to live here and I’m trying to save up for a house,” said Spanos. “Every week he blows his paychecks on albums by bands he doesn’t even listen to. He has an original pressing of ‘Sing the Sorrow’ that he refers to as his nest egg. Well, guess what? AFI announced a 20th anniversary repress, and now the album is worth $700 less than it was a year ago. And he bought that repress too! Don’t even get me started on Rowland S. Howard’s ‘Teenage Snuff Film.’”

Phillip Dupay, a certified financial planner at J.P. Morgan who specializes in retirement plans, isn’t surprised by this trend but does suggest proceeding with caution.

“We see a lot of millennials investing in niche trinkets and cryptocurrencies in lieu of traditional retirement plans. While it’s never too late to take a more conventional approach, the most important thing is to not put all your eggs in one basket. I knew way too many Gen X-ers who put their life savings in Beanie Babies and we know how that turned out,” said Dupay. “A safer strategy would involve supplementing a record collection with VHS tapes of horror movies or golden ‘Ocarina of Time’ cartridges.”

At press time, Lindberg admitted he’d also been stockpiling “Paw Patrol” merchandise since the pandemic because he anticipates in twenty years a new generation of nostalgic adults will fund his beach house in Florida.

Punk Surprised The Hard Times Not Funded Entirely By Owner’s Parents

Posted on by Anthony Carrano

DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by the owner’s parents and launched a Patreon to encourage support from its readers, confirmed sources.

“I was confused when I saw that The Hard Times was having money issues. I know whenever I need to pay rent or buy a new phone all I do is call up my dad, apologize for calling him an asshole at Thanksgiving and then he gives me all the money I need. So I’m not sure why they don’t just ask their parents for cash,” said Coulstring, who lives with 12 other punks in a squat in Lower Allston, but also keeps a condo in the Back Bay for when he wants privacy. “My band’s last album was completely funded by my parents, even though I told my bandmates I got the money from selling acid and robbing a Dunkin Donuts.”

Founders of The Hard Times were quick to point out they don’t come from anything resembling wealth.

“My dad worked construction and died on the job when I was 19, and my mother will have to work until the day she dies because she has no retirement plan,” said Hard Times co-founder Billy “Badtooth” Conway. “I wish my parents had invented something useful so I could cash in on that generational wealth. I’m legitimately jealous of the crust punks who act broke but are actually in line to inherit the Gillette fortune. Thankfully there are lots of people stepping up who are willing to support The Hard Times through Patreon.”

Media analysts have noted there are often a lot of misconceptions about online brands.

“People will see an account with a lot of followers and instantly think that translates to money. Often times the only way these people make money is by selling mushroom-infused teas for $250 a post, or OnlyFans, that works for a lot of people,” said Amari Singh, who studies online trends. “Patreon is definitely the way to go for The Hard Times, I’ve seen the founders and you would not want to pay to see them naked, in fact you might pay to have them keep their clothes on.”

At press time, Coulstring refused to support The Hard Times with his parents’ money citing something about “corporate bullshit.”

Guy on Year 15 of Wearing Same Hat Every Day Because Girl Said It Was Cool Once

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked cool 15 years ago, concerned and exasperated sources confirmed.

“When you discover such an iconic look for yourself, you need to celebrate it every day,” said Howell as he waved a steam wand over the battered cabby hat he purchased before he was able to fully grow facial hair. “You may see some ratty old hat, but years of wear and tear only speak volumes to my loyalty. And if I had to be really honest with you, the ladies love how well put-together I look with this bad boy on.”

Gabrielle Simmons, who originally complimented Howell many years ago, regrets invoking such a profound sense of confidence over the hat that she only thought looked kind of cool.

“Dennis is such a good dude, and I really felt for him when his high school sweetheart dumped him. When he showed up to a house party wearing that beige monstrosity, I told him that he didn’t look half bad,” Simmons acknowledged through the regret of hindsight. “And every time I see him now, he always gives me an affirmative nod as if to say, ‘check it out, I’ve still got the hat.’ But he’s worn it every day and everywhere ever since. The salt deposits around the outer stitching alone are unspeakably disgusting at this point. I’m wondering if I should step in and crush his spirit a bit for the benefit of us all.”

Local hat merchant Eric Lester worries not about Howell’s mental state, but rather his own bottom line.

“When you open a hat store, the whole point is to have return customers who want to regularly update their look,” lamented Lester as he whimsically meandered through his extensive showroom of fedoras, bucket hats, and beanies. “My operating costs are five figures a month, and I can’t make payroll off a single sale from 15 fucking years ago. That being said, I’d be more than glad to help him find a new piece, if he could only let go of the past.”

At press time, Howell was spotted eyeing a distressed pair of suspenders at his local thrift store.