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Guy From Your Floor in College That Only Knew How Play Intro for “Today” Announced as New Guitarist for The Smashing Pumpkins

CHICAGO — Shortly after The Smashing Pumpkins began holding open auditions for a new guitarist they shocked the world by announcing 38-year-old Jared Buchford, the guy from your floor in college who only knew how to play the intro for “Today,” as their newest band member.

“His audition tape really stood out because he didn’t bother with professional lighting or sound, he recorded in a dark basement straight into an old iPhone,” said Pumpkins’ commander-in-chief Billy Corgan. “I mean for one thing, out of all the videos we received he was the only one playing a round-back Ovation acoustic guitar that was missing a string. That really showed he was willing to push the envelope. There was just something so raw and powerful about the way he kept getting angry at himself and saying ‘wait, hold on, lemme start over’ every time he messed up. I can’t wait to show that power to the world. After only a couple tries and then accidentally dropping his pick in the sound hole, he pretty much nailed the intro for ‘Today,’ or as he called it, ‘the doo-doo diddley part,’ which is how I’ve always referred to it in band practice as well.

Buchford himself was surprised to get the call from Corgan.

“I actually hadn’t touched the guitar since college, and I had to ask my niece to tune it. And the strings were pretty gross. But eventually, it all kinda came back. Just like riding a bike or driving a car,” said the Worcester, Mass. native who has two DUIs and a “Boondock Saints” poster on his wall. “But I can’t wait to learn the rest of ‘Today.’ I also liked that ‘vampire’ song. And that other one too. I know working with Billy is going to be great, he seems like a really fun guy.”

While the move by the group may seem bizarre, rock and roll archivist Charles Farrelly says it’s becoming more and more common for bands to find members in unconventional ways.

“Classic rock titans Journey famously found their current vocalist Arnel Pineda via YouTube,” said Farrely. “But it doesn’t stop there. Queen met ‘American Idol’ contestant Adam Lambert when they guested on said show, leading them to ask him on tour. And metalcore giants All That Remains found their vocalist Phil Labonte when he was yelling conspiracy theories into a megaphone outside an Applebees.”

At press time, Buchford was reportedly headed to a Guitar Center to “see what they have that’s under 100 bucks.”