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Man Out to Fancy Dinner with Girlfriend Stares Longingly at Dive Bar Across the Street

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Dan Stanford was accused of derailing date night at an upscale restaurant after he spent most of the evening gazing longingly at the dive bar across the street, patrons have reported.

“I’m really trying to be in the moment and enjoy dinner, truly! It’s not my fault I have a clear view of the alluring neon beer signs beckoning me inside. You think I want to pay $23 for a cheeseburger when I could be eating 50-cent wings and loading up the jukebox with ‘90s hardcore?” said Stanford. “God, I bet it smells like Pabst and cigarettes in there. You know, the scent of a good time. If I tell my girlfriend the charcuterie board is blowing right through me, I can sneak out the bathroom window and catch the end of happy hour.”

Stanford’s girlfriend Kelly Jones could tell he was preoccupied throughout the entire meal despite her attempts to redirect his attention.

“All I wanted was one night we don’t go somewhere I can barely see and have to dodge pool stick-wielding drunks. This place had a six-week waitlist on top of it being our five-year anniversary, the least he could do is not look at that fucking hole in the wall like he’s pining for some unrequited love,” said Jones. “I mean, they’re pairing wine with every one of these six courses, does he really need his alcohol served in a dirty pint glass to feel happy? And to think I finally brought him somewhere he has to tuck in his shirt.”

The dive bar’s owner admitted that much of their revenue comes from patrons escaping insufferable dining atmospheres.

“See, the trick was to never sell out as the neighborhood started gentrifying. This street was overrun with investors cranking out high end restaurants a few years back, and to their credit it’s served the area well. But I can safely say half of our patrons are people who’ve ditched those places once they realize they’ve paid for a black Russian marked up by 400 percent,“ said Max Blum. “We’re like a pierced alternative girl at a party full of rich assholes. We may look out of place but you can be sure as shit we’re a hell of a lot more fun.”

At press time, Stanford was on the brink of being kicked out after attempting to replicate the dive bar experience by slamming six shots of rail whiskey and demanding the bartender change the music from Vivaldi to Crass.