BATON ROUGE, La. — Customers at the Eager Legume coffee shop made a collective, unrehearsed announcement to bob their heads up and look around in 25-second intervals, reported several sources who swear they just came here to get some work done.
“I love coming here and reading a chapter of a book,” regular patron David Stephanidies said. “And by ‘reading a chapter of a book,’ I mean, ‘Reading half a paragraph, getting distracted every time someone enters and glancing like I’m Tony in the penultimate shot of ‘The Sopranos.’ It could also be food being announced at the window when I didn’t order anything, an employee watering one of the hanging ferns, or just my own decimated concentration exposing itself to the point that I can’t maintain focus on a single cognition-enriching activity for even a minute. It’s such a good way to unwind.”
Eager Legume owner Leslie Mosko says the experience of seeing patrons look up in momentary wonderment with such frequency is the most satisfying aspect of her job.
“Keeping this place running certainly isn’t easy, and there have been times when I’ve considered calling it quits,” Mosko said, “But then, a chain of people looking away from their laptops because someone dropped a spoon behind the counter starts, and I remember why I got into this business. The best part is when they look up, make momentary eye contact with someone who’s clearly a stranger and sheepishly pretend to look back at their half-assed screenplay. It’s such a thrill.”
Café sociologist Audrey Zhang cites these occurrences at Eager Legume and similar establishments as evidence of a base desire to foster connection and community while also reconciling it with one’s inability to be in the moment for any meaningful duration.
“People come to places like here because they think the combination of Sade playing through the speakers and eggshell walls will bring them to sustained communal concentration. Granted, some can achieve this,” said Zhang. “But others can’t finish a two-sentence email without looking to see if they know whoever it is walking by them holding a breakfast quiche and scrolling TikTok. Furthermore, the long-term effects of the pandemic have made it near-impossible to….sorry, a guy who used to be in my old roommate’s girlfriend’s band just walked in. What were we talking about?”
At press time, Eager Legume announced plans to add a loud bell to their front door.
Trump falsely claimed that migrants crossing the border are responsible for the murders of every American citizen. The former president then claimed he had been murdered at least 3 or 4 times by “a mental patient from Mexico” but was brought back to life by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to St. Peter while standing at the Pearly Gates.
When asked how he would tackle inflation President Biden told a long rambling story about how he fully restored the V-8 engine on his 1932 Ford only using original parts. He claimed he has participated in at least 300 drag races and won every time. He would then treat his friends to root beers at the soda fountain. The story turned somber when he reminisced about how his best friend Slick was killed in a drag race against a rival street gang known as The Dirty Birds.
Trump asserted that he personally moderated discussions between Jerry Only and Glenn Danzig that allowed the two to finally play together again. “Both these men, great men, big muscles, not as big as mine though, they love me. I met with them. We made a deal, I’m the best at deals.”
The president repeatedly claimed that American bombs only explode people who hold impure thoughts. “If you don’t want to be blown up by an American bomb then just close your eyes, think of how much Jesus loves you, and you will be, um, uh, you will be, Medicare.”
While many people tuned in to see how heated it would get between the candidates, even more people tuned in to witness the sultry kiss that signals the end of presidential debates. However, viewers were left disappointed when the kiss lacked passion, with many political analysts describing it as wooden and incredibly dry.
When America was founded in 1776 nobody could have predicted it would grow to the greatest superpower in the world. Now, just under 250 years later it’s very clear that this great experiment is over. The phrase “How do I move out of this country?” was Googled so much after the debate that it caused multiple Google servers to self-destruct.