PORTLAND, Ore. — A mysterious pile of previously unidentified material floating in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Oregon was identified by scientists as an enormous clump of human hair and filth now known as the Great Pacific Dreadlock Patch, disgusted sources confirmed.
“I’ve scrubbed week-old dried fish guts off barnacle-crusted decks every day of my life, but never have I smelled such a thing. It was 500 yards wide if it was a foot, with a center so black I felt as if my soul may be swallowed, never to be seen again,” said Ben Rousch, captain of a fishing boat known as the Alice Jane. “It looks like a sleeping Kraken, drifting across the sea as a mindless zombie, waiting to wrap its arms around its next victim. It haunts me, I fear I may never return to my beloved sea.”
Portland Resident Sherry Thomas said she and her friends weren’t sure what to make of the patch at first, eventually deciding that something so natural couldn’t be all that bad.
“We didn’t really know if we should protest it or embrace it. It is all organic, mostly made up of hair, patchouli and beads, I can’t imagine it’s harmful to the environment,” said Thomas before applying her seventh round of natural deodorant of the day. “My friend Marley had the idea to paddle kayaks out to it. We figured we should get a closer look and see if there’s anything useful stuck in there. We had trouble getting through the thick outer arms, but we almost pulled a pretty good futon out of it. I mean, reduce, reuse, recycle, right? I even heard the center is made up of hundreds of healing crystals.”
Oceanographer Pat Garrund has been studying the Dreadlock Patch and its impact on regional marine life.
“It’s a disaster, an absolute disaster. The impact on marine life is significant. Several dolphins have become entangled in it like some sort of natural tuna net. Sea birds have been landing in search of food only to find discarded Funyun bags and ripped hemp shirts,” said Garund. “The salmon seem to have decided that swimming upstream is too hard and that crashing on their cousin’s couch would be an easier place to breed. The economic impact alone will be devastating to the Pacific Northwest.”
At press time, the Great Dreadlock Patch was drifting toward San Francisco despite city officials’ best efforts to steer it toward Hawaii.
We’re currently beating Georgie with a telephone because we didn’t like the look on his face, so we’re going to assume he doesn’t have the charisma to make a presidential run.
Charmaine is a strong, independent woman who calls it like she sees it, has no stomach for classism, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. A woman like that has no place in the GOP.
She’s got despotism on lock and she has experience with the legal system, but the wrong side. You’re supposed to put the poor people IN the jails if you want to impress Republicans Mead.
Unless it’s in theology, nothing turns off conservative voters more than a doctorate.
We hate to quote Trump even in this tongue-in-cheek conceit, but “Known loser. Low Energy. Sad.”
He’s a strong self-promoter and he can court conservative boomers to an extent, but once the conversation moves away from “The Godfather” trilogy, he’s sort of out of moves.
You would think being an actual person would shoot Daniel to the top of this list, but we can think of at least three other Baldwins with e better shot at the White House.
Bobby’s warmth, good-heartedness, and remorse for having to kill people may fly in the New Jersey mafia, but it has absolutely no place in today’s conservative movement.
Hesh is a successful businessman, which Republicans usually love, but oy vey, there’s just something about him that we don’t see conservative voters getting behind. Can’t quite put our finger on it, but we feel like Republicans would be kvetching left and right if this guy was the nominee. He’s certainly got the chutzpah to schlep his way up the polls but something just tells us the whole campaign would eventually plotz. Okay, we’ll stop beating around the bush — it’s his interracial relationships.
Furio is a foreigner, and while conservatives don’t actually give a damn about the rules they’re too fresh off the heels of “Show us the birth certificate!” to get behind him. Maybe in 2028 Furio.
Anthony’s scrupleless attitude toward murder-for-hire shows the right attitude, but most Republicans will find his penchant for massages uncomfortable.
Sure he’s got the whole exclusive country club vibe going for him, but Cusamano is just too scared to get his hands dirty. Do you think he still has that package Tony gave him?
Carmela once bullied Jeannie into getting her daughter a recommendation letter using only a casserole. She doesn’t have what it takes.
We could see her gaining momentum as a sort of “conservative answer to AOC” candidate, but just like in her life, once it gets out there where she’s been and who she’s been meeting with, it would be her undoing.
Historically the GOP loves a pious hypocrite and always will, but today’s religious right is a little less catholic and a little more Southern snake charmer.
Probably a long shot considering he only appeared once and had no lines, but never underestimate the machiavellian climbing capacity of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Eugene does way too much actual work to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.
Drug use and schmoozing with the Hollywood elite are just about the only two crimes conservatives won’t look past, and Chrissy done ’em both. If it weren’t for those two things, nothing we’ve seen Chrissy do or say would bar him from Republican candidacy.
Gloria is a little too unpredictable to make a viable political candidate, but she does have the look and unhinged temperament of a Fox anchor.
The guy could write a good speech, but it’s all or nothing with J.T. He owes a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people and one false move it all comes down like a house of cards.
Conservative voters are turned off by the educated “elite,” but Dr. Kupferberg transcends that due to his resemblance to Peter Bogdonavich, a face boomers recognize from a thing they’ve seen.
Even if Samantha were actually around, chances are she’d be too preoccupied with the whole situation of her own father voluntarily offering her up to our Alien Overlords. She would be in no mental state to participate in any mosh pits, let alone crowd-killing. Being a literal abductee, while tragic, gives her the perfect alibi in this case.
When Clyde Bruckman was among the living, he had the psychic ability to tell people when and how they were going to die in that motherfucking pit. Obviously he’s not even on the radar with this case. Still, we could have used his help on this one. Rest In Power, Bruckman. You would have loved Militarie Gun.
It’s highly likely that John Fitzgerald Byers can’t even name a singular band, much less participate in one of their shows. It should also be noted that he sacrificed his own life along with the other members of the Lone Gunmen to save humanity. Not really crowd-killing behavior if you ask us.
Melvin definitely looks like he would have been a total shit-kicker, but this ain’t our guy. When he wasn’t awkwardly flirting with and making grand romantic gestures toward Scully, he was seen helping Mulder break into multiple highly secured buildings. Where would he have even found the time to ruin everyone’s nights at multiple basement shows?
Forced into a life of hiding after being horrifyingly disfigured to the point of non-recognition does not really seem to be conducive to a thriving, violent nightlife. This is without mentioning that he also spent the majority of his life recovering from various alien tests and experiments.
Henry Weems is cursed with unnaturally good luck and is seemingly incapable of being harmed. You wouldn’t think twice if you heard he had been banned from every DIY space in a 200-mile radius for aggressive moshing. We’re pretty sure he’s too haunted by his gifts to enjoy them, though.
Had Deep Throat not been assassinated early in the series, he’d either lead us directly to the perp or give us several vague clues suggesting that the real ‘crowd killer’ is actually an elaborate government hoax. His cryptic messages would also suggest that all hardcore bands are actually Deep State plants designed to keep the youth too preoccupied with broken noses to learn the truth.
X could very well rank higher, but we’re pretty sure he’s in Witness Protection according to multiple nerdy fan theories. If you’re constantly in danger of being 86’d for the information you hold, it’s not likely you’d be popping off knuckles at a Drain show or some shit. He’s way too smart for that.
We’ve seen Richard in a D.O.A shirt before, so he seems to be a likely candidate, but it’s just not plausible that he would violently hack into the mainframe of the pit like that. His code of honor and loyalty to the cause wouldn’t allow for something as frowned upon in the scene as crowd killing.
While Augustus Cole was part of a military experiment that dulled fear and heightened aggression by creating a constant waking state in soldiers, his religious beliefs would likely prevent him from moshing at all, let alone intentionally causing harm.
Though many were quick to pin multiple murders on the Great Mutato, he’s just a weird dude who wants to be loved and go to Cher concerts. We’ve never been to one of her shows, but we’re pretty sure the pit is probably too tame to get away with throwing elbows.
In addition to being the boot-licking, ladder-climbing Deputy Director of the FBI who almost got Fox Mulder killed on several occasions, he’s also just kind of a dick. We doubt he’s a serial crowd-killer, but he definitely seems like the type to go to a DIY space, start some massive shit in the pit, and then use it as leverage for several police raids of the venue.
Chester has the eyes of someone who would probably have a razor blade hidden in the toe of his Doc Martens, but keen observers will note that his shadow actually committed most of the fuckery. Plus, that thing disintegrated people, which doesn’t match our field reports.
Bill Mulder certainly was a ruthless son of a bitch, having willingly given his only daughter to literal aliens, but it’s not likely he’s been edging out the pit given his alleged assassination. Even if he were alive, he’d be too old and guilt-ridden to get that rowdy at a show.
Walter Skinner is certainly as bald as we assume most crowd killers are, but he’s also a no-nonsense guy. If Skinner were in the pit he’d absolutely drop a crowd-killing asshole without hesitation. We bet he’s the type of dude that stands cross-armed in the back mouthing ‘try me, motherfucker’ throughout the whole set.
The much-maligned replacement after Fox Mulder’s disappearance in Season 9 definitely feels like an easy target. When we look back, though, we can’t remember why we hated him so much. He’s just like… a normal guy trying his best. In fact, he probably thinks crowd-killing is just as stupid as we do. Still, we’re not ready to fully trust him just yet.
While we do think that Reyes would have the tenacity and follow-through to kick some fucking faces in unprovoked, we’re not sure she’d focus her energy quite in that manner. She has too much on her plate defending her position within the canon.
Guy Mann was pretty devastated when his shape-shifting nature turned him into a dull-ass human being. He was so distraught he hired a witch to help him crowd kill himself. Still, the jury is out on his lizard form, as that iteration looks like it’s probably stabbed a crowd surfer in the back once or maybe even three times.
Bat Thing is either a man turned into a bat, or vice versa. He is essentially the Pete Wentz of “The X-Files.” He’s probably kneed a few people in the groin, but we doubt it was intentional. Just over excited Bat Thing stuff, we suspect.
Due to some supernatural incident that isn’t entirely explained on the show, Martin Wells is perpetually moving backwards through time. It’s completely possible for him to run a windmill over half the crowd and just go back to yesterday and forget about it ever happening. It’s still unlikely, however, as he mostly used his peculiar quandary to right previous wrongs.
Phyllis Paddock is a literal murderer who keeps her victims’ body parts in her desk. She also has a penchant for targeting those she deems as Satanists. She has literally killed crowds via telepathy. We’re pretty sure she can’t mosh, though.
We suppose that there is a reason why this album is really hard to find. Rough and youthful in many endearing ways, 2005’s “It’s Our Time” is likely your most revered or second favorite FYS album listed here because you’re as punk as punk can be, but it’s objectively and subjectively the band’s worst LP. Sorry, but we’re not here to put you on. Released on Open Your Eyes Records, “It’s Our Time” came out during the TRL days of Warped Tour bands and unintentionally or intentionally foreshadowed a bright visual and aural future for Four Year Strong. To put it simply for you toads, the band got better with age, as most bands do unless they don’t, and the following albums below overshadow this one. Maybe it was just easier to wait and see. To quote the title/tagline to MTV’s “Next,” which also came out in 2005, “Next!”
Before we get deep into this beyond-polarizing 2011 LP, we want to say on record that it isn’t half as bad as a large peanut gallery of fairweather Four Year Strong fans said that it was, and their song that should’ve been a single “Stuck In The Middle” remains one of FYS’s best tunes. Also, tracks one through four foreshadowed a potentially excellent LP, and honestly could’ve been a perfect EP in a similar league to 2014’s return-to-form romp amongst romps known as “Go Down in History,” but sadly the remaining songs are quite disjointed/ inconsistent, thus killing this album’s overall forty-plus minute flow. Some called the band Foo Year Strong after this studio album, which was their fifth, but some people are stupid, and “some” means “one or more”… Brassy? Yes, but the bold survive!
The aughts band went into full ’90s mode with eleven punk rock covers of classic ’90s rock songs from obscure bands like Everclear and Nirvana. “Explain It All” tied FYS listeners over till their 2010 major label debut which is ranked in a medal position, and came out just under nine months after this cover LP which is succinct and sensual. This album is also the band’s last on Rob Hitt of Midtown’s I Surrender Records before signing with Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy’s Decaydance Records as a subsidiary to Universal Motown Records. To quote a title of a Less Than Jake song, “Motown never sounded so good.”
We won’t be forced to eat our words on this: 2015’s self-titled effort certainly satisfied old fans who may have departed as such for their prior full-length for non-justifiable reasons. Another point of note is that the band’s publicly most streamed Spotify song by FAR, but not the Sacramento band Far, is track two, Modest Mouse’s “We All Float Down Here.” In addition to its lengthy song titles, many of which come from popular movies like “Boogie Nights,” “Rush Hour,” and not “The Bonfire of the Vanities” featuring Beth Broderick from Melissa Joan Hart’s other show, the band showcased an insane energy not heard since their sophomore album. Plus, the album cover looks like a Phish fan’s stoner dream and a Minor Threat fan’s straight edge nightmare.
It’s really, really cool, and it’s extremely, extremely rare for a band with a catalog as expansive as Four Year Strong’s to almost peak creatively with their most recent effort, but “Brain Pain” is their finest hour since the album that came out almost exactly ten years prior. Because of such and so, so much more, we are not including any “skip it” tracks here and onward. Yeah. You all should close your dirty mouths unless you’re taking your crazy pills. Anyway, the band clearly took a lot of time composing songs for this album, as evidenced by the longest gap between LP releases of FYS’s career. Also, producer Will Putney from the slightly less heavy band with a nursery school-friendly name known as Fit for an Autopsy brought out a heavy, heavy and melodic, melodic side to the band that hadn’t been showcased before.
We know you want this album should be number one. And we know you think we’re always wrong about the placement of these ranking entries, but we aren’t. Do we deserve a beatdown in the key of sadness and unquenchable anger from a maniac’s pipe? Probably. Do we make these lists intentionally to offend? We’ll never tell. Back to 2007’s breakout FYS full-length: “Rise or Die Trying” will forever hang in the Agnostic pantheon of Warped Tour band’s LPs, and certainly introduced the band to an audience larger than its aforementioned debut album “Time & Space” did. Lastly, FYS excels at pinch harmonics…
Former keyboardist Josh Lyford (also a BMX ripper) went out in style via the band’s supremely supreme fourth studio album “Enemy of the World”. Lyford exited the group one year and one month after this album hit record stores… Remember those? Anyway, the band’s major label debut is a perfect listen from top to bottom, and the band even re-recorded it recently, showing that they know what they did, and that they are not sorry for it. Featuring four singles, all of which should’ve been hits, “Enemy of the World” answers the inferior publication’s infamous quote in the late-00s about SYG’s non-beef with FYS with a rocking potentially vendetta and acronym based splendor one riff at a time. We also like it when bands close albums with title tracks, and at just over four minutes, “Enemy of the World” is the LP’s longest song, but not by that much. Find YOUR way back.