PONCA CITY, Okla. — Local 36-year-old Shane McThomason recently admitted he still instinctively hides his Eminem CDs whenever his parents visit him, confirmed sources who impulsively did the same.
“‘The Marshall Mathers LP’ is the first of many Eminem CDs that I shove in the back of my personal safe whenever mom and dad stop by,” said McThomason while clearing his Spotify search history in case his parents check. “I just can’t risk having them hear Eminem threaten the life of Moby or even casually utter the name Carson Daly via song. They’d have a meltdown and send me to my room in my own house that I paid for. It’s times like these I wish I just bought the censored versions from Walmart. That way, in the event they found my safe, cracked the code, and played my stash of Eminem, they’d at least think my sources of entertainment didn’t include homophobic slurs and a few F-bombs.”
McThomason’s parents were well aware of their son’s proclivity to hide his interests from them.
“We know he’s been concealing those compact discs from us for years,” said Joseph McThomason. “I guess he’s trying to protect us. We don’t have the heart to tell him that his mother and I actually love Eminem. In fact, we don’t think his vulgar lyrics go far enough. We also know that Shane hides his pot use from us. Little does he know that we steal his weed stash all the time. In fact, that’s why we’re here right now. No one ever suspects the Slim Shady-loving parents.”
Experts sensed a pattern among this generation.
“We are seeing more and more Millennials instinctively hide things from their parents in their adulthood as if they were still teenagers,” said pop culture analyst Michelle Greenway. “Drugs, alcohol, saying the word ‘damn,’ Mortal Kombat, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and 2000s hip hop. Millennials are constantly afraid of imaginary repercussions. It’s not their fault though. Like everything, we can blame this on Boomer parenting. They pummeled their children with excess guilt and they kept that going into adulthood. Eminem is only the tip of the Millennial iceberg.”
At press time, McThomason was also seen hiding his Marilyn Manson CDs from his parents.
Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?
Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.
Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.
Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.
Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.
Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.
Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.
We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.
Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.
This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.
He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.
This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!
This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!
Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.
We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.
