KISS Releases Signature Brand of Tepid, Uninspired, Derivative, Bland Coffee

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpressed sources report.

“Our new line of ‘I Was Made for Lovin’ Brew’ signature coffee has a taste that will affect you the exact same way our music does,” KISS frontman Gene Simmons said while relaxing in his unspeakably lavish Las Vegas mansion. “It’s a standard Colombian brew along the lines of something like Maxwell House or Folgers, that’s best enjoyed black and served at room temperature, preferably while listening to one of our more featureless songs like ‘Lick It Up’ or ‘Rock and Roll All Nite.’ It’s even low in caffeine to preclude the possibility of the consumer receiving even a superficial rush of adrenaline upon drinking it. Let’s rock!”

KISS superfan Mitch Smith reacted to his favorite band’s newest item.

“I drank a couple cups while listening to ‘Crazy Nights’ this morning,” Smith offered. “It was like drinking lukewarm water with the barest hint of coffee flavor, which is basically the beverage equivalent of the music I was listening to. I didn’t even feel energized after drinking it, and actually fell asleep at my kitchen table. It was great! The price tag was a little steep at $30 for a 12-ounce bag, but it was totally worth it if you ask me. I’ve already paid exorbitant amounts of money for KISS air guitar strings and KISS condoms, which I’ve never used, so I’m glad that I’m able to get some utility out of one of the KISS-themed items that I own.”

Coffee distributor Jen Styger weighed in on the situation.

“This is without a doubt the most dull coffee I’ve ever tried, so I’m shocked at how well it’s selling,” Styger commented. “I guess you’ve got to hand it to KISS that they know what their fans want. People have been eating up their particular brand of sleep-inducing rock for over five decades now, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised that they’re also interested in such lackluster coffee. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m complaining. It’s up to me to move all these units, and they’re making my job easy.”

At press time, Metallica announced the release of a signature brand of coffee that tastes incredible in the first four sips, then awful for the remainder of the cup.

Discogs Used to Calculate Net Worth

Posted on by Rob Ryder

BALTIMORE — Local vinyl collector and self-proclaimed financial wizard Eric Drysden recently calculated his net worth using vinyl website Discogs.com, claimed friends who were definitely not helping the situation.

“Financial planning isn’t something I studied, it just kind of came naturally to me,” said Drysden while flipping through the latest issue of The Economist. “I knew that vinyl was the honey-pot of my net worth and Discogs is like my Stock Exchange. I’ve been collecting for almost three years, and let me tell you, I have some gems. It took me about three days to enter everything, though it probably would’ve been quicker if I hadn’t forgotten my password every fucking time I logged in. Sure, I’ll probably never be able to retire, but at least I have a Japanese pressing of a Spin Doctors album, and that’s close enough.”

Friend and enabler John Gilbert assisted Drysden in his financial goals, providing sound vinyl advice along the way.

“I don’t have any records myself, but my guy Eric is the one of the shrewdest investors in this town’s scene, and when he needs a little push on a big deal, I’m there for him,” said Gilbert while reading the latest issue of Hot Rod Magazine. “Just the other day we were at Target and found Smash Mouth’s greatest hits on purple splatter vinyl. Eric almost passed on it, but I explained to him that it’s a totally sound investment and will easily catalog for double on Discogs within 25 years.”

Financial planner Geroge Thorton says its familiar territory for those who haven’t been able to save for retirement.

“Honestly, I don’t even give a shit anymore,” said Thorton while reviewing a list of action figures in a will. “The Discogs list he put together has the collection assessed from a low of $17 to a high of $37,839. Fifteen years ago this would make any financial planner panic, but honestly it’s no less volatile than most of the world markets right now. The other day I had a client list his assets as how many Playstation games he thinks his friend Troy can ‘accidentally’ throw in a dumpster behind the local Best Buy, so I guess it could be worse.”

At press time, Drysden was contemplating diversifying the portfolio with a box of 173 old cassettes at Goodwill.

This Is the Year I Lose the Weight, Because I Won’t Be Able To Afford Food

Posted on by Dan Rice

All right 2025, let’s do this! Every year of my adult life my New Year’s resolution has been to lose weight, and every year I not only fail but wind up a little fatter than I was the year before. That ends now. How am I so sure? Because thanks to inflation, Trump’s tariffs, and AI “disrupting” the job market, I will simply not be able to afford food this year.

It’s going to happen, I have no control over it, so I may as well act like it’s my plan!

With even fast food chains buckling under the pressure of economic failure, my plan is sure to succeed! The McDonald’s double cheeseburger was once the highest dollar-to-calorie ratio in the world. In 2025, if I’m lucky enough to get one, I’ll be eating half, and passing the remainder down to my son when I die.

I knew we were in trouble last year when I found myself using quad-pay apps for ubereats, essentially leasing pizza. It seems like a good investment when you’re stoned at midnight, but I’m sorry to report that none of those pies have appreciated in value. On the plus side, when I lost my job and couldn’t make payments anymore, there was nothing for the repo guys to repossess!

Due to budgetary restrictions, my diet is now down to about two bananas and half a can of tuna per day, barely enough to sustain my daily bodily functions let alone pack on the pounds! I had to make a new hole in my belt this morning, and aside from the fact that my malnourished body was barely able to puncture the leather, and the fact that I cut myself doing it, and the fact that I’ve never had a cut bleed.

Hey, I’m just glad guys like Musk are in there to stop the government from spending money on frivolous things, like us and the stuff that keeps us alive. They’re running the country like a business and let’s face facts, a comfortable human life has never been terribly profitable.

The only real downside is none of my friends will be around to see my transformation. By the time I start looking lean, they’ll be long dead from starvation, an event that my fat reserves will keep me around just long enough to witness before perishing myself. Don’t worry, I’ll wait an appropriate amount of grieving time before I cave to desperation and eat your remains!

VFW Has Emergency Fish Fry in Order to Rid It of Stench from Weekend Punk Show

Posted on by Chris Bowen

UTICA, N.Y. — VFW Post 226 held an emergency fish fry in an attempt to relieve it from the stench that lingered from the punk show held the previous weekend, dry heaving sources report.

“It was awful, and I knew we had to act fast. The smells of B.O. and five bands worth of vocalist’s halitosis were permanently sinking into the walls and floors very quickly,” Post 226 Commander Donald Sperger explained. “The usual patrons are used to the comforting stench of fryer grease, pungent haddock, stale popcorn, and sweat from sitting at the bar despite no physical activity. Things may never return to normal. You’d think we’d have learned a lesson from renting out the space for that metal show over the summer. Never again.”

Local show organizer William Krantz thought the event went off without a hitch.

“I knew we weren’t going to get our security deposit back considering every surface in the place was sticky and it looked as if they never stopped smoking cigarettes inside. If anything, we enhanced the interior aroma,” Kratz stated. “All I’m going to say is they better hope they have enough hot fish for 50 VFWs, because the stench from the crust punk band who headlined has been known to peel paint off of venue walls. Really they can keep the security deposit towards buying a new building, because that’s probably the only realistic solution to this.”

Scene veteran Rick “Spew” Kelvolev says fumigation after punk shows is a largely unspoken part of the process.

“Most people don’t think of the horrors venue owners face when a punk show is done, and everyone has gone home, or passed out drunk somewhere on the premises,” Kelvolev explained. “These places depend on non-punk business most of the time, and the odors that come with the punk scene just aren’t handled well by the general public. Most venues have emergency Axe Body Spray attachments to their sprinkler system that are turned on after the lights go out. Many venues have succumbed to the fire hazard these Axe systems pose, but you can thank them next time you don’t walk into a venue and get nauseous.”

At press time, VFW Post 226 held a fundraiser to help replace its bathroom toilet permanently clogged from the show.

Local Man Enters Involuntary-Groan-While-Sitting-Down Phase

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local 43-year-old Craig Peterson entered a new phase of life where he lets out an involuntary groan any time he sits down, sources who want to know where the Aleve is confirmed.

“I don’t really know what’s happening or why but it seems like whenever I go to take a load off this noise comes out of me that is somewhere between a sigh and a wince and it seems to be completely out of my control,” said Peterson. “And not only does that happen but if I sit down after standing for a long time I’ll let out the groan and follow it with a breathy ‘ahh boy.’ What is that? What does it even mean? For some reason I can’t stop saying it. Ahh boy.”

Peterson’s wife says she has noticed the groaning and can hear him doing it from every room in the house.

“The first time I heard him make that sound I ran to the living room to see if he was alright but he was just lounging on the couch. I asked him if something hurt and he said yes but that he honestly couldn’t say which area on his body it was,” says Jennifer Peterson. “It’s really the worst when I’m working from home and I’m on a call and in the background you can hear Craig letting out this utterance just because he settled into a chair. I try to cover for it by telling my coworkers that I just live in a haunted house but that only works some of the time. Can’t believe this is now my life for the next several decades. ”

Primary care physician Dr. Jane Berman says this is a common symptom she sees with patients of a certain age and that it may lead to further complications.

“We see this a lot where a patient enters into the middle years of their life and begins to exhibit odd new behaviors such as letting out a reflexive vocalization of discomfort from simply moving around or existing,” Dr. Berman said. “Other signs that patients have begun the slow descent after just passing the apex of life include starting to forget the names of actors from their favorite movies or using the flashlight on their phone to see the menu at a restaurant. These are clear signs that their long path of decline has just begun.”

At press time, Peterson was heard asking the barista at his local coffee shop if they wouldn’t mind turning the music down just a bit.

We Sat Down With the Wrong Flogging Molly and Now We Owe $600 to an Irish Dominatrix

Posted on by Alex Salcido

OK, so apparently our new intern Caleb is completely full of shit. We hired him because he said he could make an interview happen with legendary Celtic punkers Flogging Molly, but it quickly became obvious that he didn’t expect to have to fulfill this promise when we brought him on. Is this at least partially on us for having hired him on sight simply because we liked his Samhain shirt when we met him at Jersey Mike’s? Possibly, but he had to have foreseen this whole ordeal ending poorly when he used Craigslist personals to set up the interview.

So there we were, tablets in hand with questions at the ready, nervously awaiting Flogging Molly’s arrival. We’ve been fans since “Swagger,” so this was a really big opportunity for us. Suffice it to say we were taken aback when a red-haired woman dressed exclusively in black leather arrived at our offices in lieu of Dave King, and we immediately knew something had gone awry when we saw that she had brought with her ball gags, posture collars, whips, and something called a “fisting swing.”

It turns out she, too, adopted the entirely appropriate moniker “Flogging Molly” for her work as a dominatrix for hire, and she had driven to our Los Angeles offices all the way from Fullerton at Caleb’s behest. We tried to make the best of the situation by asking if she happened to know anyone in Flogging Molly, but she didn’t, and in fact had never even heard of them. Any pretenses of this session even remotely resembling an interview then went out the window when she rather rudely instructed us to don one of her gimp suits.

While this certainly wasn’t how we expected the afternoon to go, we’re never ones to turn down a new experience, so we acquiesced to Molly’s demands and endured the entire three-hour long session that Caleb had apparently scheduled. We won’t go into the details, but if you happen to be looking for a dominatrix in Southern California, we definitely recommend Flogging Molly.

Unfortunately, it never occurred to us during our painful and eye-opening time with Molly that she would be expecting recompense for her services, so we were a little dismayed upon receiving the $600 bill. There is currently no money in the Hard Times bank account after we drained it to pay Caleb’s sign-on bonus (really, really stupid of us, we know, but you should’ve seen how cool his Samhain shirt was) so we’ve now found ourselves in a bit of a financial quandary.

We definitely need to honor this outstanding payment, so please don’t be surprised when you see The Hard Times become a pay-per-article news site. It’s just until we can pay this debt to Flogging Molly, we promise.

Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling Alley

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted sources report.

“Being one of the only seven people there to watch them play their set, I must say I was impressed at how well they pulled it off,” show attendee Jill Crossgrove explained. “I felt like I was fully immersed in the cold, dark atmosphere they were presenting despite the fact there was a child’s birthday party happening in the lanes directly next to me. The kids didn’t seem to enjoy the fog machine or amateur pyrotechnics. The father of one of the children even complained about missing a 7-10 split because of the band. There’s just no way that was the reason.”

Bügnorkvlt’s bass player and founding member Todd “Goathammer” Snee admits he was a bit reluctant going into the gig.

“I didn’t think we had enough to convey the overwhelming dread we were going for, but I think we easily achieved total dominance over all that is light through our 20-minute set,” Snee said. “We weren’t allowed to wear our usual combat boots on the floor, so we had to rent shoes there. But the fact half the lights were already dimmed or out completely, plus how cool it looked with our hair blowing around from the hand driers, we pulled it off quite nicely, I attest.”

Owner of Pinnsbury Lanes, Randy Martinez, revealed that most bands actually do quite well there.

“Some might say having your band play at a bowling alley is ‘uncool’ or ‘embarrassing’ or ‘lacks integrity’ or whatever. But if you remove the bumpers and tune out the sound of the bowling balls rolling down the lane and striking the pins, it’s just like a real music venue,” Martinez explained. “Some of the best sets I’ve ever seen were played right here underneath the Coors Light ‘Beerwolf’ overhead lights. I still keep the bowling pin GG Allin tried shoving up his ass when he played here in the early ‘90s behind a glass case. Lotta great memories made here!”

At press time, Bügnorkvlt embarked on their three-date weekend “tour” consisting of bringing black metal to local arcades and Chuck-E-Cheese establishments within a 25-mile radius.

Trump Pays Tribute to David Lynch with 80-Minute Speech About How Deeply He Identifies with Frank Booth from “Blue Velvet”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently paid his respects to filmmaker David Lynch with a drawn out speech primarily focusing on his deep admiration of “Blue Velvet” antagonist Frank Booth, confirmed sources who sort of already suspected this was the case.

“Look, this David Lynch guy? Pretty interesting director. ‘Blue Velvet’? Very tremendous movie,” Trump said. “Fantastic guy, this Frank Booth. He knows what he wants and he just goes for it. Nobody’s going to get in his way. When he has that encounter with Dorothy at her apartment? Very nice, very romantic. I don’t know why that Jeffrey thought he had any right to try to stop it. Dorothy obviously loved Frank very much. It was all very consensual. Perfectly consensual. And meanwhile, he’s so nice to his friends. When he toasts his good friend Ben and Jeffrey doesn’t say ‘Here’s to Ben’ with enough enthusiasm? Frank immediately calls him out for not being polite. Good old-fashioned manners. I modeled my administration just like Frank’s close circle of friends.”

MAGA voter Jim Hudson immediately shaped his own opinion based on Trump’s.

“I don’t know anything about David Lynch—wait, actually, did he make ‘Fight Club’? Now that’s a movie that understands the modern man right there,” said Hudson. “But if Trump says this Frank Booth guy is great, I know he’s right. He’s always correct. I just checked out Frank’s Wikipedia page and it says he’s a crazed psychopathic gangster. I’m sure he’s just misunderstood. I mean, how bad could he be? Seems like he would’ve been against the mask mandates, so clearly he’s my kind of guy.”

Film scholar Jon Waterson expressed amusement at Trump’s enthusiasm.

“Frank Booth is obviously a representation of all of the worst characteristics of the American male in the Reagan era. He’s unhinged and violent, and coerces sexual favors through psychological torture. I’d be very concerned about anybody who claims to identify with him,” said Waterson. “But then again, Trump once said his favorite film of all time is ‘Citizen Kane,’ and anyone who’s seen it knows perfectly well that Kane is the bad guy, so who knows. At least I think so. I’ve never seen it.”

At press time, Trump was fielding a question about his administration’s policies on food safety and regulation by urging reporters to “check out the chicken dinner scene in ‘Eraserhead.’”

Humiliation Kink? This Band is Playing Three Ohio Dates on Their Upcoming Tour

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

At first glance, Bagel Bytes might just seem like your average, ordinary, everyday post-electroclash trio. But the Greenpoint outfit has also been revealed as one that takes certain – some might say perverse – pleasure in having their shame on display for all to see. This was evidenced by their recent announcement of a lengthy upcoming spring tour, one which includes three dates in Ohio.

“Playing Ohio is an experience that just about every band will have to endure at least once in their careers,” record store owner Doug Milch said. “But there was an unspoken understanding that you don’t draw attention to it. Like, when my band Nylon Mylar was active back in the early aughts, we’d deliberately make any Ohio dates as small as our tour manager would let us. And there was an iron-clad clause in our contract that we would only do two per tour, before we renegotiated it to just one every five years. Meanwhile, these guys are playing three Ohio dates and posting it across social media for anyone to see. They realize their names and photos are public, right?”

Sexologist Dr. Michele Snowden argues that Bagel Bytes apparent lack of self-mortification regarding their upcoming trio of Ohio shows likely speaks to the cognitive dissonance that thrills humiliation enthusiasts in ways that outsiders to the lifestyle struggle to process.

“The very thought of you or I broadcasting to the world that we’ll be in Ohio for any amount of time, naturally triggers our sympathetic nervous system, often leading to a full-body sense of tension and disgust,” Snowden said. “The members of Bagel Bytes all but certain had this happen to them, and playing three shows indicates they felt the need to heighten the sensation to an even greater extent. While this kind of behavior isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ on its own, it is important not to go too far in self-debasement. Like, they’re only playing one actual city, Cleveland. The other two dates are in Youngstown and Chillicothe. They’re coming dangerously close to what’s considered the ultimate humiliation: actually living in Ohio.”

Mercedes Fischetti, an early fan of Bagel Bytes who regularly attends their shows, admitted that this news has changed how she sees the band.

“I hate to ‘yuck anyone’s yum’, as the saying goes,” FIschetti said. ‘But I don’t know if I can look at them the same way after knowing they’re…like that. Oh, God, I bought a shirt from them last year. I would’ve never given them money had I known this is what they’d be using it for.”

Bagel Bytes continues to show their unapologetic self-masochism to this day evidenced by an Instagram post containing the phrase “Stoked to explore the Buckeye state!”

Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”

Posted on by Jason Clemence

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown Records why he was only now purchasing a physical copy of Slayer’s classic 1986 album “Reign in Blood,” disinterested sources confirmed.

“I used to have a cassette copy that I dubbed from my buddy’s CD in 10th grade,” Dresden muttered in preparation as he paced the aisles with the seminal thrash album tucked under his arm. “Then that got stuck in the tape deck of my car, but that was around the time that Napster really took off, so I was able to download all the tracks, even though half of them said they were Anthrax songs. But yeah, I burned a CD made up of those downloads and had that until it got too scratched, and then I was going to buy the vinyl but I could never find it at my local Target, and I refuse to buy records from Amazon, so yeah, you know. Let’s just hope the cashier doesn’t find any plotholes in my story.”

Urgent Breakdown Records clerk Ashley Browning said that listening to such tales is totally routine in her line of work.

“Yeah, I could see [Dresden] psyching himself up as he fidgeted in the checkout line,” Browning explained while yawning. “And since he was wearing a battle vest with a bunch of metal band patches, I knew exactly what was coming. A few weeks ago, this guy who was probably in his early 50s and was dressed like he was in Williamsburg in 2001 came in to buy the first Arcade Fire record, and I was treated to a soliloquy about how his ex took his original copy when she moved out, and so he had to replace it with this inferior re-press. Weird that all Arcade Fire fans use this identical story.”

Musicologist Fred Erikson, PhD, confirmed that this is a common occurrence.

“People who attach their own sense of identity to music fandom can get caught in a catch-22: They don’t yet own a classic album of their preferred genre, but to obtain one, they have to implicitly admit that they don’t already have it,” said Erikson. “In my last article, I refer to it as The Poser’s Dilemma. To be an expert in a genre, you must know the classics, but unfortunately, to look like an expert you actually can’t purchase the iconic ones publicly. You simply can’t win.”

At press time, Dresden further embarrassed himself by also deciding to buy a copy of Kerry King’s 2024 solo album “From Hell I Rise.”