Tense Moment as “Used to Skate” Guy Comes Face to Face With “Used to Box” Guy in Employee Breakroom

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PORTLAND, Ore. — A routine lunch break turned into an unexpected battle of past glory Tuesday afternoon when Jake “Used to Skate” Piper and Mark “Used to Box” DeRosa found themselves together in the company breakroom, terrified onlookers reported.

“It was wild. Jake and Mark exchanged a quick nod—a tense truce at best. Then, without warning, they were in each other’s faces, launching into a brutal round of anecdotal one-upmanship. Nonstop talk of kickflips and sparring sessions. I was terrified,” said James Defoe, a fellow employee who witnessed the exchange while microwaving his leftover lasagna. “It was like watching two old warriors trying to outdo each other without throwing a punch. They kept raising the stakes until they both landed on a time they ‘really fucked up’ their wrist. That’s when things finally settled down.”

The company’s manager, Tony Daley, admitted he had concerns about the tension between high-testosterone workplace personas when hiring the two.

“I was hoping it would make the team more competitive, but honestly, it’s just led to a lot of people standing around, swapping stories about how sick they used to be. It’s really bringing down our quarterly earnings,” said Daley, adjusting his glasses as he organized a stack of Excel printouts. “Fortunately, I have the skills to keep things in order. After all, I’m the ‘used to be in a gang and deal drugs’ guy around here—I’ve seen real battles, not just some weekend warrior bullshit. You just have to know how to handle a crew and when to assert dominance.”

Corporate workplace solutions instructor Dana Morris, who was recently brought in to conduct a conflict resolution seminar, described the phenomenon as a growing trend in modern offices.

“Every office needs a ‘used to box’ guy, a ‘used to skate’ guy, and ideally, a former cheerleader who now runs HR with the cold efficiency of a retired assassin,” Morris explained. “It’s all about balancing the ecosystem of egos. That’s how commerce breathes. If men didn’t have these past-life personas to cling to, they’d be forced to process their emotions like adults, and let’s be real—the workplace would crumble instantly. Offices thrive when there’s interpersonal tension.”

At press time, Piper and DeRosa bonded over their joint history of orthopedic surgeries and were considering starting a “recovery club” at work, while the IT department stayed on high alert for any “used to lift” guy trying to join.

Help! Jeff Rosenstock Broke Into My House and Is Making Ska Versions of All of My Records

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

It all started three and a half weeks ago when Tall Mike left the fucking back door unlocked and ajar again. Usually, a possum or one of the neighborhood cats gets in and we rustle it out in the morning. This time though it was fucking beloved punk icon Jeff Rosenstock. He snuck in and locked himself in Garrett’s old room.

At first, we were stoked. Confused but really stoked. Jeff Rosenstock was in our house. That’s RAD. But the whole first day, he stayed locked in the room, ignoring us when we tried to talk to him. Then, just after midnight, he finally emerged—only to grab a stack of my records and scurry back inside. The only reason we even knew he left was because Short Mike’s girlfriend, Harmony, saw him.

It didn’t take long to figure out what he was doing. First came the singing, familiar both because it was Jeff Rosenstock’s unmistakable voice and because he was singing songs from my own favorite records. Then came the horns. Finally, the Bandcamp releases started—two albums a day, all ska, all from my collection.
At first, it was incredible. Jeff gave each album a ska pun, so my roommates and I skanked and sang along to albums by the Ska-cteau Twins, Belle and Ska-bastian, and Simon and Ska-funkel. We drank to London Ska-lling, smoked weed to Ska-bbey Road, and played video games to Nashville Ska-line. It was great. Until it wasn’t.

But it wasn’t the albums. Those were still awesome. The problem was that Jeff was living in our house, rent-free, leaving unflushed growlers in the toilet, and eating all our spaghetti. He barely spoke to us unless spaghetti was involved, and even then, all he would say was, “More spaghetti.”

We don’t know what to do. Our shithead landlord is useless, so we didn’t even bother asking. Jeff also saw right through the elaborate, cartoonish Rube Goldberg-style trap we set outside Garrett’s old room. Desperate, we even emailed Laura Stevenson for help, but all she replied was, “You shouldn’t have fed him spaghetti.”

Someone has got to help us. Jeff just dropped three albums by Explosions in the Ska, and yeah, they rule, but I can’t take this anymore!

Corporate Restructuring Leads to Mass Layoffs at C+C Music Factory

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — A recent corporate restructuring initiative in adherence to a new five-year strategic plan led to mass layoffs at C+C Music Factory, disgruntled sources report.

“I’ve known this was coming for quite some time, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” General Manager Robert Clivillés said. “We’ve been dealing with a lot of challenges over the past few decades. Sure, in the early ‘90s it was a lot easier for us to get people to sweat ‘til they bled, but a rapidly changing business environment coupled with inflation and supply-chain issues have made maximizing our bottom line and getting funky in this post-COVID world untenable under our old framework. These changes are definitely necessary, but a lot of good workers are being sent home today. Of course we’ll miss them, but it’s now time for us to move forward as the nation’s prominent supplier of dance music.”

Laid-off employee Corbin Wellford was doubtful of the factory’s ability to carry on without him.

“I started out in the Department of Dancing Now 30 years ago,” Wellford complained. “I worked my way up from clerk to Senior Manager, and this place wouldn’t be where it is today without my contributions. And what do I get for it? Six months’ severance pay and a security escort out the door. I’m not a spiteful person, but I’m really going to enjoy watching this place go under. There’s absolutely no way they’re going to keep people dancing without my expertise. Is there even anybody left who can operate the Give Me the Music module? Whatever, not my problem anymore.”

Corporate Efficiency Consultant Latonya Burke was not surprised by the factory’s ordeal.

“We live in an increasingly borderless world,” Burke mentioned. “At surface level, that seems good for workers, but with it comes the attractive option for companies to outsource their labor and embrace artificial intelligence to drastically reduce their labor costs. This is great for their profit margins, but horrible for once-invaluable employees whose wages suddenly appear as an undue burden. C+C Music Factory is certainly no exception, as automation in land cultivation has resulted in similarly devastating staff cuts at Alien Ant Farm, and don’t even get me started on the hollowing-out of the entire industrial music sector, like the one at Fear Factory years back. Unfortunately, I don’t see the situation improving anytime soon.”

At press time, the factory was forced to shutter its doors after President Donald Trump declared a 25% tariff on all imported Canadian goods falling under the “Move & Grind” classification.

ICE Agent Ordered to Take Mandatory Callousness Training After Giving Water to Imprisoned Immigrants

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — ICE officer Brendan Williams was disciplined and forced to undergo mandatory callousness training after being caught giving water to a detained immigrant, the agency has confirmed.

“I figured since we’re ripping these people out of their homes and communities indefinitely, they were supposed to be kept hydrated while being held! But I found out the hard way handing out water bottles was creating a hostile work environment for my peers, and now I’m stuck doing hours of training modules and videos about closing my heart off to people seeking a better life,” said Williams. “Honestly, after the third video I started questioning if violating human rights was really making our country safer, but my HR lead says the best way to be a team player is showing up to work with a good attitude and no moral compass.”

Williams’ supervisor stood by the decision to enact an extensive retraining session.

“Brendan’s actions had severely negative consequences, primarily creating an environment where fellow agents remember the Geneva Convention says prisoners can have food and water. Brendan’s mandatory retraining will help remind him that any display of humanity towards undocumented migrants is tantamount to treason,” said field office head Richard Sterns. “The training is pretty straightforward. After four hours straight of Newsmax clips, Brendan will be presented with a cup of water and asked if he should share it with a dehydrated detainee or pour it on the ground and laugh. I do have high hopes we can get him back on track.”

Some former immigration officers said the agency has lost sight of its mission.

“I joined up thinking we were going to be stopping drug runners and terrorists, and for a while there it seemed like what we were doing was justified. But the higher-ups started implementing this new callousness training because a few of us spoke up about the whole kids in cages thing. I kept getting reported to HR for giving them blankets, so I finally told them to fuck off,” said Sarah Hendricks. “I heard it’s even worse now. If they catch you ensuring detainees’ zip ties aren’t overtightened or you gave them a bucket to piss in, it’s an automatic write up and you have to write an apology letter to Tom Homan.”

As of press time, Williams was forced to attend extended training after giving a migrant half of a sandwich he was about to throw away.

Heartwarming: LA County Sperm Bank Confirms the Gallon of Semen Pumped From Rod Stewart’s Stomach in the ’80s Has Been Used to Father Over 50 Children!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

31-year old Rancho Cucamonga native Lee Vitrano is the picture of perfect health — a triathlon athlete, personal trainer, and wellness coach whose penchant for fitness may only be outmatched by his community outreach. It might surprise you then to learn that Lee would not be standing here today if rock ‘n’ roll legend Rod Stewart had not blown a small platoon of sailors in the Fall of 1982. But as Lee tells it, “Some guys have all the luck.”

The lurid events of that fateful night have been whispered among schoolyards for decades, new details seemingly emerging with each retelling (Was he really wearing a captain’s hat?) But what we know for certain is that Rod Stewart sucked off an indeterminate amount of seamen, swallowed the seamen’s semen, got a tummy ache, and when all was said and done, local paramedics had extracted exactly one gallon of jizz from his stomach.

However, what often gets overlooked in this urban legend is the most miraculous aspect of it all. For that gallon of semen was promptly donated to an LA County sperm bank where it has gone on to spawn over 50, and counting, beautiful, healthy babies!

Back in 2015, Vitrano started a Facebook group to locate others who may have been propagated from this same spermous goulash and was shocked to find an entire community desperate to connect. They call themselves “Belly Buddies” and while they may not be biologically related in the traditional sense, these brothers and sisters are intrinsically linked by a 90-minute joyride in the digestive tract of British rock royalty.

This Summer will mark the 10th Annual “Belly Buddy Meet-Up” at Kellogg Park, where Belly Buddies young and old gather for a family reunion of sorts to catch-up, grill hot dogs, and compete in the annual cornhole tournament. Organized by Vitrano, the event earned enough word of mouth to even attract the Godfather of Rasp himself, Rod Stewart.

Known in the community as “Uncle Rod”, the ever-graceful Stewart has taken time out of his busy crooning schedule to attend the previous four meet-ups, delighting his belly offspring with countless selfies, meaningful life advice, and even an impromptu sing-along of “D’ya Think I’m Sexy”.

When asked about his involvement, Rod was eager to set the record straight once and for all. “I’ve never denied the claims. The real hoax was the story about how this was all a hoax. Truth is, we were all drinking insane amounts of semen back then. Jagger and Bowie could really put ‘em back. That night my weak stomach got the better of me and I unfortunately have never been able to live it down.”

Jock Who Beat the Crap Out of You in High School Suddenly World’s Foremost Expert on What Being “Punk” Actually Means

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Your former high school bully, and current Washington State Trooper Adam Wisk, surprised veteran members of the scene by insisting he knows the true definition of punk, sources actively blocking him on social media confirmed.

“I don’t like punk music. I never have and I never will. But those so-called punks are a bunch of posers anyway. We get it, you reject authority, it’s the same old story. Actual punk rockers reject the rules of punk and embrace law and order,” said Officer Wisk. “Being a cop is basically the most punk thing anyone can do at this point. I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and if anyone gives me any crap I get a few of my buddies and we beat them down in the streets. I can’t think of anything more punk than that.”

You had a different read on the situation.

“I really don’t know why so many middle-aged men suddenly think they hold the truth to what ‘Punk’ is all about. It’s all the same story, they are mad because they can’t use homophobic slurs in public anymore and they think it’s ‘Sticking it to the man’ to be an insufferable asshole,” you said while organizing a mutual aid event for unhoused neighbors. “And I’m not sure why it’s always a guy in a backwards hat, sunglasses, plaid shorts, and sandals that seems to have the strongest opinions of what it means to be a punk. Go live your life, try having a conversation with one of your kids before they hate you as much as I do.”

Cultural anthropologist Lindsey Savoy believes the battle of the definition of punk is just beginning.

“We first heard people claim that being conservative is the new punk rock during the first Trump run for presidency. These were mainly people who seemed to have low level brain damage and a complete inability to draw logical conclusions, but their message started to gain traction,” said Savoy. “Now there is a new generation of homophobic, xenophobic, and nationalistic musicians who built on that conservative premise of punk and want to be the next Skrewdriver, but not in an ironic sort of way, they are legitimately proud of being ignorant pieces of trash.”

At press time, you were actively trying to avoid an argument with an old roommate where they claimed being vegan actually kills more animals than a carnivore diet.

Democrats Will Continue Relentlessly Doing Nothing if You Just Pitch in $5

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Top Democrats have revealed a groundbreaking plan to combat Trump’s fascist takeover, and, according to Chuck Schumer, it doesn’t take much and it’s already working.

“We are more dedicated than ever to the American people,” said Schumer. “We have always fiercely combated fascism. Remember that time I kneeled for 8 minutes and 46 seconds? That ended racism for Biden’s entire term. But it’s back now because of Trump. Along with all those other isms. Which is why we are rolling out a plan to relentlessly send out fundraising emails and nothing else. That’s our promise to the American people. You give us $5, we will never give up on doing nothing for you.”

A top political analyst who has been studying the Democratic Party for decades weighed in on the bold new strategy.

“Based on the plans I’ve seen, this really is a big deal and it’s going to create a lot of change. I mean, it’s a huge step up from their past policy of doing very little for $5,” said Maria Devenzo, who runs the left-leaning think tank Moving Progess. “They used to occasionally pass legislation. To promise to continue relentlessly ask hardworking citizens for money while making absolutely no concrete promises in return is a bold new era.”

A few lucky citizens have already seen this plan coming to fruition. Lifelong Democrat, Terry Christopher, shared her experience.

“I’ve never seen promises fulfilled by politicians in this way. Usually it’s ‘I’ll do this, I’ll do that.’ And then before we know it, none of those promises have been fulfilled. But these e-mails have been vaguer than ever in terms of their plan to do anything other than take money. I mean, I got the text, I pitched in $5, and they gave nothing their all, said Christopher. “Just like they said. We really can trust them. I just know they’re going to keep doing it. Their dedication to the American people is unparalleled. They are working as hard as possible to do absolutely nothing at all.”

When asked if they had considered either doing anything or not taking money from hard working people, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer reminded reporters that responding to questions is a form of action before evaporating into a fine mist before reintegrating into their corporeal forms in their respective offices.

The Death Metal Fan’s Guide To Finding the Perfect Pair of Camo Cargo Shorts for Your Tinder Date

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know dating sucks, but one of the Internet’s few redeeming qualities is its ability to match you with someone you have a better chance of connecting with than the old methods of singles bars and awkward setups from well-intentioned friends. Now, you can find someone with whom you share an attraction without even having to leave your home. What an age we live in!

Which brings us to the next step: you’ve matched with your dream girl on Tinder, and you two have bonded over your shared love of “Severance” and your frustration over the long wait for the next novel in Patrick Rothfuss’s “Kingkiller Chronicle.” She wants to meet up at a local bar, and you’d like to wow her with the perfect outfit. Up to now, she’s only seen selfies you’ve taken at work and one picture of you in a casual dress shirt at your grandmother’s birthday party. Rest assured that she’ll be blown away when she catches a glimpse of your casual wardrobe!

While musical tastes have not yet been broached in your dialog, your outspoken affinity for blast beats and death growls is about to become extremely apparent. Here are some tips to make sure you find the perfect pair of camo cargo shorts for your big date.

Color is key.
We know you love your traditional Army green shorts, but they’re bound to clash with whatever choice you make from your bountiful cache of black shirts. You’ll only get one first impression here, and you don’t want that to be of somebody who doesn’t know how to coordinate his ensemble. Go with the black camo Levi’s and tell those greenies not to feel bad, as you’ll be donning them with pride at next month’s Obituary show.

Excessive pockets are essential.
You’re a busy man of the 21st century, and she’ll appreciate that your attire reflects that. Not everybody has the ability to retrieve old, empty packs of Marlboro Reds and crumpled Target receipts from the sides of their legs, but that’s exactly it: you’re not just another guy. Additional storage around your lower extremities is something you can offer on top of an attentive ear and caring shoulder to cry on, and you want that to be obvious from the moment she sets eyes on you.

Don’t forget those strings at the bottom!
We’re not sure about you, but we don’t consider them cargo shorts unless they have strips of material randomly hanging out from the bottom and dangling around your ankles as you walk, and we can almost guarantee that your date will have an even more discerning eye than we do. You may be able to regale her with tales of the time Glenn Benton walked right past you after the Deicide show in Cleveland, but it’ll mean bupkis if your shorts aren’t reflective of your love for Floridian death metal. Let those bad boys hang!

Keep the fraying to a minimum.
Come on, this is a first date we’re talking about! Save the super frayed pair you wore to last week’s Defeated Sanity concert for the third or fourth date. We’re not suggesting something ridiculous like washing them, just that you wait until you know each other better before you bust them out. Plus, they still have that bloodstain on them from the wall of death, so you better make a mental note to lick your fingernail and try to scratch that out before she sees them.

Don’t forget the belt.
And we’re not talking about the good work belt you shelled out $14.99 for at Kohl’s either. That’s right; we of course mean the grey cloth one that came with the shorts you plan on wearing. Once she sees that those aforementioned strings hovering in front of your shins match the rope-like belt twisting over itself at your waist, she’ll fall head over heels. Trust us.

There you have it. If you adhere to these easy-to-follow guidelines, your days of being single will be drastically numbered. So match that perfect pair of cargos with your Gorgasm logo shirt (shelf the one with the artwork from “Lacerated Masturbation” for now) and get ready to change your relationship status on Facebook! Oh, and that Obituary show you’re going to next month? You’d better buy an extra ticket, if you catch our drift.

Butthole Surfers Harassed by Territorial Surf Locals Trying to Keep Favorite Butt Breaks Secret

Posted on by Matt Husser

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The Butthole Surfers were harassed today by territorial surf locals that were reportedly trying to keep their favorite butt breaks secret, confirmed sources who have been searching for the best buttocks-friendly waves for years.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Butthole Boogie Boarders trying to bogart our bodacious butt breaks, well you boys better get back on whatever pussyhorse you rode in on because the Bay of Bungholes belongs to us and we don’t like outsiders,” said local surfer Kai Willows. “I know every baby-smooth swell like the back of my own ass, so if you get in our way the only thing you’ll be surfing is your adult diapers back at the old folks home.”

Butthole Surfers singer Gibby Haynes said the band was not intimidated by the surf gang.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a first-time taint tickler or the baddest badonkadonk bomber this side of TaHeinie, everyone deserves a fair shot at parting these mighty waves for a little hang tenalingus,” said Haynes while demonstrating proper butthole surfing form. “We’ve been into rear-end watersports since these dingleberries were in pampers, and I know a posterior poser when I see one. Besides, you can’t own a fine fartbox beach like this any more than you can own an independent worm saloon.”

Local Mark Barker was reportedly so inspired by the band that he immediately grabbed his board and took up butthole surfing.

“Seeing those old guys stand up to those bullies gave me the courage I needed to buy a board, get out there on the waves, and grab the starfish by the chocolate,” said Barker. “Feeling that rusty dusty spray on my face, the calm before the mud flaps barrel over you—the pink eye is a small price to pay for the freedom to surf these bootylicious breaks.”

At press time, the Butthole Surfers reportedly called Pee Pee the Sailor for backup after the tushie turf war reached defcon fanny.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Hoping Our Student Loans Have Also Been Dismantled

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a week, huh? What a… sorry. With all the news lately, we’ve kind of been stuck in a permanent loop of asking that question. The words have almost lost their meaning, and our voices have grown hoarse from screaming into the void. That doesn’t mean we haven’t been finding time to enjoy the little things in life, though, and music is the littlest thing anyone can even begin to imagine in these turbulent times. Here are five songs that briefly distracted us from the terrors of modern life.

Alex Orange Drink ‘Everything Is Broken’

‘Everything Is Broken’ might be the understatement of the year, but someone’s gotta say it. Who better than the artist that so dutifully soundtracks most of our mental breakdowns, Alex Orange Drink? His aforementioned single sounds like a tornado touching down at a beach party, but the house band’s sunglasses are too dark to notice all the folding chairs whipping around. A fitting metaphor for our current timeline and one hell of a video treatment if the band is looking for ideas.

Tropical Fuck Storm ‘Bloodsport’

Noted musical weirdos Tropical Fuck Storm have a new album coming out soon, which explains why our staff has been hard at work practicing their most angular dance moves. Their latest, ‘Bloodsport,’ is reminiscent of a bad acid trip, but one you willingly signed up for and somehow enjoy. Though the track won’t last 16-18 hours and make you paranoid for months to come, it’s still worth a spin or two in a dimly lit room with little other stimulation.

Fib ‘PS’

Philadelphia quartet Fib is gearing up to release their new LP ‘Heavy Lifting’ in just over a month, and they’ve just dropped the dreamy track ‘PS.’ It’s a healthy mix of power pop, shoegaze, and indie; as if someone put all the bands you quit over the past decade into a blender and smashed the puree button. The jagged guitars, floating vocals, and lo-fi production will calm you down enough to believe in things again before, ya know, you remember all the horrors.

Sorry Mom ‘Youngstown’

The up and coming Brooklyn based indie-pop outfit Sorry Mom have returned with ‘Youngstown.’ It’s a soothing pop-punk anthem that quickly turns scorched earth just as you start humming along. It’s got everything you would want in a song: chugging power chords, a catchy as hell melody, not one but TWO screamy parts, and multiple digs at Ohio. There’s literally nothing not to love about this one, not even for someone as soulless as you.

Deerhoof ‘Immigrant Songs’

Experimental legends Deerhoof have announced their new album ‘Noble and Godlike In Ruin.’ The lead single ‘Immigrant Songs’ was initially released via Craigslist ads – presumably with titles like ‘free: trip to the the seventh portal of hell – LOCAL PICKUP ONLY’ – but is now widely available to fuck up your brain via streaming. The track somehow crams an entire album’s worth of ideas into its first few minutes before devolving into the musical equivalent of the tunnel scene in Willy Wonka. It’s a trip worth taking, but try to find a hand hold before pressing play.

We know five songs probably won’t give you enough time to completely disassociate in the way you probably desperately need to, so we’ve added them to an ever growing and ever disorienting playlist. Clear you schedule for the next few hours – like you had plans anyway – and listen below: