Cop Infiltrating Far-Right Militia Just Happy to See Colleagues Outside Work

Posted on by Tim Sheard

AKRON, Ohio — Officer Brian McCarthur of the Akron Police Department shared his delight at seeing work friends while infiltrating local far-right militia, the Sons of 1776, confirmed sources.

“Domestic terrorism is no joke, but there’s nothing like a beer with your work bro,” shared Officer McCarthur from an Elk’s Lodge while deep undercover. “The disguise is a formality, they all know it’s me, old Bri-Bri. This is the chillest assignment ever, it’s like work but without any bullshit oversight. No one monitoring our comms, no civilian complaints. Hell, half our lieutenants organize night patrols. My old partner Ryan is putting together a chapter, might have to ‘infiltrate’ him sometime. My boy Kev made sergeant last year so I never get to see him at work anymore, but in here, I get to bro-out with Kev every night. And Kev is hilarious. He records Rogan for our patriot brothers that don’t know how to work podcasts. Heart of gold.”

Akron PD Chief Jim Fairbanks discussed the seeming contradictions of the assignment.

“We take threats to politicians and public spaces seriously, but sometimes ya gotta let boys be boys,” shared Chief Fairbanks from a crowded Jimmy John’s. “Everyone needs to let off a little steam after work. Let ‘em scrap it up a bit, holler, let the fur fly. Can’t let things get outta hand, though: that’s the balance. Don’t have the funds to replace civic structures, should our boys cause a ruckus. Still, didn’t America start with a revolution? I’m sure the whole idea was thought up by the Founding Fathers, all drinking ales together after a long day’s work.”

Johns Hopkins political analyst Maria Holdecott insists this is nothing new.

“We even see judges leading extremist brigades,” said Holdecott from her Baltimore office. “It’s a social club for lonely men harboring antisocial attitudes towards minorities or leftists, but with a penchant for dumb pranks. A lot of these guys grew up on ‘Jackass,’ which explains the showboating. Note the recidivist loop here: We see non-radical members edged out by violence subsequently join their local police force, only to re-enter the militia as a seasoned inductee. The snake from the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flag has become the Ouroboros eating itself: Desperate. Illiterate. Horny. Alone.”

At press time, Officer McCarthur barely contained excitement over his next assignment to infiltrate a human trafficking ring by grabbing a covert coffee with their leader, his own Captain.

Why People Are Ditching Dry January for “Just Do Different Drugs Month”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

As millions of Americans are committing to a “Dry January” in earnest, millions more are realizing, “Hey, wait, what the fuck, I committed to being sober the entire month and my friend Bobby is just doing different drugs instead. Do I still have to do this?”

This recent backlash has led to protests and forced many to finally admit that, sure, they weren’t really planning to stop doing all of the drugs, they just weren’t going to drink IPAs for a month but still drink those THC seltzers you can finally get at the liquor store instead of having to cross state lines to that town that people only go to for the dispensary that looks kind of like a Forever 21 inside but smells better.

As we tried to learn more about this movement, we took to the streets to ask people why they were doing it. We couldn’t find anyone willing to talk to us, so we asked people back home instead.

The Hard Times: Lex, why are you doing this?

Honestly, I was just doing it to prove that I’m better than Sarah. She gave up mid-month, and I beat her by a day, so now I’m doing ‘Different Drugs Month’ too. Well, she doesn’t know that, so I’ll keep rubbing it in until she finds out.

Hey Bobby, we couldn’t find anyone else to ask about this. So what’s going on?

I was telling people I was doing Dry January. But I didn’t drink much anyway, and I was planning to smoke the same amount of weed. Maybe also try mushrooms. A few friends got upset when they found out, so I told them I was trying a new thing instead. That’s why I made up ‘Different Drugs Month.’

Learning that Bobby just casually made the whole thing up to cover his tracks was a pretty big blow to our own commitment to Dry January. But after thinking about it more, it just proves we’re better than everyone else. So if we’re the only ones actually doing this—and already so much better than everyone we know—it’s cool if we have like, A beer to celebrate, no?

High School Rush Fan Spends Seven Minutes in Heaven Making Pretty Girl Listen to “Working Man”

Posted on by Ryan Werner

ST. LOUIS — Local Rush fan and high school senior Micah Kirby spent the entirety of the make out game Seven Minutes in Heaven playing “Working Man” by Canadian prog rock trio Rush to his fellow classmate Kaylee White, confirmed sources.

“I’m not sure the exact rules of the game, but there’s nothing more heavenly than the sound of Geddy Lee’s voice for seven consecutive minutes,” said Kirby. “Time sure flies by when you’re listening to a Rush song, so it’s hard to balance that feeling with really wanting the other person to savor the instrumental competence, creative structure, and sly breakdown of capitalism. I just wish there was more time for Kaylee to hear something longer and more expansive from their catalog, but I guess that’s just not how the game works. Anyway, I just hope we get another turn. Next time I’m playing her the three and half minute-long ‘Fly By Night.’ Twice.”

White was not terribly impressed with the experience.

“It wasn’t until minute five of the same exact song that I realized that we were not going to be making out in this closet whatsoever,” said White. “He’s not a bad looking guy. Actually, I always thought he was kind of cute. The only other time I’d talked to him before was when I was wearing a kimono and he came up and told me about something called 2112. There were priests? And a kid finding a guitar in some rubble? He went on for a while, just like at the party. I don’t know, I thought I looked pretty good that night. He didn’t even try to kiss me — he just told me that we’re going to make this count, played some song, and then closed his eyes while we listened to it. I thought about kissing him, but I don’t even think he remembered I was there.”

Young adult psychologist Dr. Josephine Wilson believed there was a deeper meaning.

“Certain young men get so attached to the minutiae of their interests that they forget about the human aspects that lend meaning to those interests as well as when it’s time to shut up and make out already,” said Dr. Wilson. “In this case, Rush is standing in for person-to-person connection. Micah thinks he’s relating to people through his fandom, but it’s having the opposite effect. He’s alienating because he can’t stop talking about the bass shredding long enough to ask someone how they’re doing. Kissing a girl? Completely out of the question. Also, he picked ‘Working Man’? Kind of a poser choice, honestly.”

As of press time, Kirby played the Rush song “Limelight” to a girl in lieu of kissing her during a game of spin the bottle.

Sad: Woman Forced to Be Aware of Her Surroundings

Posted on by Dom Turek

It is essential for women in big cities to be aware of their surroundings. It’s also essential for women in mid-sized cities, small towns, quaint villages, and hamlets where your closest neighbor lives 3 miles away, since they are likely to start plotting your capture the moment they see you jogging in one of those slutty “she was asking for it” sports bras.

Getting home safely involves weighing risks and making calculated decisions, such as, “Would I rather be assaulted walking home or in an Uber?” It’s not always easy to be a vigilant pedestrian, but Sheia Ortega does it with the ease of someone who has been preyed upon by older men since middle school.

Following a 10-hour shift at a local restaurant, Ortega would love to put on her noise-canceling headphones and walk to the bus stop, but she’s acutely aware this is a nighttime activity reserved for men or women who know jiu-jitsu.

“Last week, I sat down next to a complete adrenaline junkie,” said Ortega. “She was listening to music, reading a book, and then later leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes for a few minutes. Whether this kamikaze-esque mission was the result of complete burnout or surrender to the seemingly unending violence against women, no one knows, but I was inspired.”

A woman’s best case scenario is to arrive safely at her destination without harm or incident, but even then, you have to keep your finger on the mace trigger and listen to peripheral conversations about cryptocurrency, fantasy football, and a guy complaining about his wife being a “total bitch,” all in the hopes you’ll be able to stop a potential attack before it starts.

“I sometimes wish someone would attack me to make all this preparation mean something,” said Ortega. “Last night a man sat next to me on the train and ate an entire tin of spaghetti with what I can only imagine was an expired debit card, and then he hit on me.”

Fortunately for Ortega, her suitor reacted better than expected to the rejection and called her an “ugly whore” instead of killing her.

If You’re Thinking All the Stamina it Takes to be a Death Metal Drummer Translates to the Bedroom, Well, You Couldn’t be More Wrong

Posted on by Chris Bowen

I know that anytime you go to a metal show and focus in on the drummer pounding away on the skins at 250 beats per minute, you must be thinking, “Wow, that guy has been going a million miles an hour all night, I bet he’s a real animal in the sack.” You would be correct if by “animal,” you mean “an extremely winded sloth-like creature desperately seeking water and a place to pass out.” In other words, don’t let the blast beats fool you.

It’s a pain I know all too well I’m afraid. Being the victim of the “death metal drummer who must be an endless sex machine” stereotype, that is. Curious onlookers immediately assume that just because I can blast through a cover of “Devoured by Vermin” without breaking a sweat, that must mean that I could give them the best sex of their lives. That kind of pressure alone is enough to break a man when “getting down to business!” When I see the disappointed look on their face 40 seconds into bumping uglies, and they see my beat-red, lifeless body laying there, I just know they’re thinking, “Oh my god, Should I call 911?” They then realize I’m hardly the George Kollias in the sack they assumed I’d be.

Some people have told me it might help if I turn on a box fan and have it pointing at me during sex so I can cool down a bit like I do on stage. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t help. The fan just becomes another witness to be inability to pleasure my sexual partner.

Death metal drummers aren’t the only type of person this happens to however. I like to take solace in the fact that I’ve known guys who skateboard who go through this as well. Women think, “Wow, look how high he can kickflip, he’s probably really good at sex!” When in reality, the act of skateboarding has shaken their genitals so much it renders them completely useless, and the amount of times they’ve credit-carding themselves, most of them have given up sex altogether. These are the prices we pay for having “cool” hobbies in our 30s.

So next time you’re eyeing some stud behind the kit, don’t just go assuming things. Sure, his double-bass abilities might make him seem like an unstoppable, uber-stamina-possessing sexpot, but chances are, you get him in bed, he’ll undoubtedly have you reaching for the defibrillators in an unpleasantly short amount of time.

“What Does Billy Corgan Think About All This?” Wonders Billy Corgan

Posted on by Ryan Werner

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in the world, confirmed the man himself.

“Politics, for example. What would the man who famously wrote the line ‘the world is a vampire’ have to say about that?” said Corgan in the mirror. “I’m sure William Patrick Corgan, Jr. has a lot on his mind regarding Trump’s presidency, foreign wars, and the TikTok ban. It’s not unlike band politics, which I know all about. But do people ask me about it? No, which is messed up because I’m sure they’d want to hear from the guy who once released a double album called ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.’ And don’t even get me started on religion. I lived through Nirvana once already.”

Those close to Corgan were not really wondering what he, in fact, thought about all this.

“I’d be trying to get through soundcheck so I could do almost anything else, and he just wouldn’t stop talking,” said former guitar tech for Smashing Pumpkins Craig Drake. “They’d play a song and Billy would want to try a different guitar, which is no problem. What is a problem, though, is having to hear him talk about some sort of current event that always ended on some sort of tangent about him not wanting to include any hits in the band’s setlists. I think one time he compared Zwan to the United Nations.”

Rock historian Marty Merfeld revealed that this isn’t something specific to Corgan.

“So many rockstars have this sort of center-of-the-universe way of thinking. They get caught up in the everything of it all, in a way,” Merfeld said. “The stories I’ve heard about Paul Simon talking about Iran-Contra. Sting and the collapse of the USSR. Gene Simmons and the late-aughts recession, obviously. They think people want to hear what they think because their music is popular. What they’re forgetting is that news and reporters exist already. Walter Cronkite never made an album, and Billy Corgan should maybe consider that when he starts telling a barista about the US transportation budget.”

At press time, Corgan was reportedly telling an uninterested gas station clerk his opinions on the previous week’s WWE Monday Night Raw.

Harvard Lab Makes Breakthrough Discovery of First Attractive Polyamorous Couple

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BOSTON, Mass. — Harvard scientists studying modern American relationship dynamics made a breakthrough discovery by identifying the first conventionally attractive polyamorous couple.

“The lack of hair grease was the first indicator,” opined anthropologist Dr. Heather Tingle, who led the highly secretive study from a concrete lab basement. “We’re overwhelmingly delighted with this breakthrough. A healthy couple, with a sense of style and facial symmetry, is such a rarity in the polyamorous space. This couple’s exposure to sunlight is off the charts, not to mention their robust social circles. What is remarkable is that neither member of the couple lives in a co-op. This sample was found outside our normal coastal urban polyamorous hubs. For example, we’ve completely stopped looking at sample couples from the Portland, Oregon metro area.”

Oklahoma models Tess Markham and Tanner Figlio celebrated being singled out by the study.

“We’re just happy to be recognized,” said Figlio sitting on his fitness bench while Markham swiped through Raya. “Tess brought this idea up in the first place, and I’ve slowly learned the joy of opening up our relationship. But it has been difficult to meet other attractive couples out there in the poly sea. We’ve made exceptions for less ‘conventionally attractive’ people, sure. Tess draws the line at stretched earlobes from ear gauges. I tend to prefer full teeth intact. Still, we’ve found success cruising Ren Faires, neighborhood art markets, and mall cell phone kiosks.”

Longtime popular sex columnist Stan Devage weighed in from his Seattle office.

“This is a case of vanilla normies stepping out for extra tail, nothing special,” decried Devage while scanning emails. “The poly ‘community’ has been crusty and scrappy for some time, but that’s any urban performance art cabaret scene. The artistic DIY world is so incestuous. It has to be polyamorous, like a forgotten tuna sandwich 69ing its own mold. Hotties joining the fray is appropriation. Got a model to suddenly ball? Old hat. There are many attractive poly people. Sure, couples are rarer, but I don’t think the study looked far enough. What about suburban samples? Plenty of emotionally devastating affairs every day, without the obnoxious lifestyle-signaling.”

At press time, the study also identified the first ever couple that opted to avoid unprompted mentions of their polyamory in casual conversations.

Damn It! I Watched Your Instagram Story So Now I Have To Respond to Your Texts

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

I keep getting your texts, but listen: you have no idea how busy I am online. There are so many podcasts to catch up on. New memes and TikToks every day. My hands are pretty full, ok? You understand.

Shit. I just saw your Instagram story. Looks like I gotta finally respond to your texts. Might as well, it has been a few months.

I tried to undo the view cuz it’s easier overall, but Instagram gives you away on the story view – thanks, Zuck! I considered blocking but that just makes everything weird. Maybe if I throw my phone in the ocean, I won’t have to respond to your texts? Ah, but then I’d lose those daily McDonald’s app deals. Wow, this social pressure is overwhelming.

I had been meaning to text you back, my dude, but social media has just been so nourishing lately. Why do my friends bother me IRL? It’s like they want my continued meaningful companionship or some shit. Lame! I’m busy, ok?

it actually might be easier if I just finally text you back. Address the awkwardness head-on. One word responses, that’s all you get.

Aaand, fucking great. Just as I text back, your over-eager ass responds and now I got these consecutive haptic ‘dings’ on my phone as you flood our chat. Don’t you know this is bad for my anxiety? These attempts at emotional bonding and connection are eating into my Snapchat time, my dude.

OK, I responded to your joke with a Shaq gif. I reacted to the link you shared with an upside-down smiley face. Also I gave a non-committal answer (“would love to!”) as to when we can hang next. Boom, I’m done here.

Ugh, you’re calling me now? When did you become a “phone call” person? I’ll ignore it and instead fire up Instagram. Looks like you shared a funny meme, I’ll just give it a Like and—fuck! Ah, fuck, well.. Fine, I’ll answer your call, but only for thirty seconds, I’m too busy generating my own AI porn. This is the future, my dude. The world needs to see my “Monica Belluci as an old sea captain but hot” artwork. Leave me alone with your sad human friendship!

Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty Stupid

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.

“I was two-stepping during a breakdown when a rogue foot smashed into my face. Time stopped, and for the first time I could see exactly how fucking stupid I looked,” recounted a bruised Burchuk, who has since enrolled in philosophy courses at Westmoreland County Community College. “Moshing is completely unrelated to the enjoyment of a musical performance. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ without the anti-capitalist messaging. In fact, it’s pretty pro-capitalist once you factor in merch prices these days. Moshing is exclusionary to many sects of people, most of all those intelligent enough to not want a fist to the face.”

Burchuk’s peers in the Southwestern PA scene are experiencing difficulty in relating to his newfound sense of enlightenment.

“I am going to kick Hunter’s ass for talking like such a dweeb as of late,” expressed Scott “Scotch” Donarelli, who is entering his 19th consecutive year of claiming to be starting a new band. “Moshing is essential to punk because, like… I don’t know, it just is. It’s like fighting in hockey. No one can explain why it happens, but we all just like it. It means you’re not a wimp. And it’s important to prove your lack of wimp-ness to strangers you’ll never exchange names with or ever see again.”

Anthropologists struggle to find evolutionary meaning in the punk subculture’s violent tradition of slam dancing.

“I have embedded myself in the greater Pittsburgh punk scene for 6 years now to better understand these customs and traditions, but all I have gained is a worsening case of CTE,” stated Dr. Leslie Tucker, dean of anthropology at Duquesne University. “Although punks are ostensibly homo sapiens, their customs more closely resemble the primitiveness of homo heidelbergensis. These violent dances often stand in opposition to their stated values. So far the only consistent principle I’ve observed is that it’s unanimously agreed upon that farting in the pit is a ‘dick move.’”

Burchuk is reportedly considering quitting skateboarding, as he recently realized that falling on concrete and metal hurts a lot and that skateboarding is a far less efficient mode of transportation than walking.

Judge at Custody Hearing Deeply Moved by Dad’s Acoustic Bass Solo in Closing Arguments

Posted on by Courtney Hill

KEENE, N.H. — Family court judge Deanna Westcock was unexpectedly persuaded to reconsider a tense custody battle following a stirring acoustic bass solo by the defendant in closing arguments, sources close to the case reported.

“In 30 years on the bench I’ve seen grown men beg, grovel and weep for my mercy, and none of it has had a fraction of the impact that that acoustic bass solo had on me,” Judge Westcock remarked while removing her robe to reveal a Jill Sobule shirt. “It started like any other acoustic bass solo; a random sequence of Dorian arpeggios drowned out by string noise and fret buzz. But gradually it bloomed into this moody meditation on personal flaw, the weight of shame, and the grace of redemption. The sheer humility of it all was undeniable. Clearly this man had already begun the transformation into the father and husband he was always meant to be.”

Defendant Aaron “Stash” Gavin, who acted as his own attorney, shared what inspired him to choose such an unconventional closing argument.

“Acoustic bass is what got me into this mess, so I knew it was the only way out,” Gavin explained while using flashcards to relearn his kids’ names. “The judge was just staring at me so I played what I felt, and what I felt was the sense that my family is more important than playing in three Dispatch cover bands. The deeper I went into the solo the more it dawned on me that jamming along to ‘Days of the New’ is no replacement for going to my kids’ baseball games and dance recitals. At one point I went completely out of body into arpeggio oblivion, but when I came back it was clear to me and everyone else in the room that I would never let acoustic bass come between me and my family again.”

Law professor Vernon Twack illustrated just how make-or-break a courtroom musical performance can be.

“An intimate rendition of ‘Justifiable Homicide’ by Dying Fetus is a classic tactic in capital cases to sway a jury heading into deliberation,” Twack explained while letting AI grade term papers. “But it can easily backfire. In one high-profile jaywalking case a defendant played ‘Stairway to Heaven’ not realizing the judge paid for law school working at Guitar Center. He overruled the jury’s not guilty verdict and gave the guy a life sentence. As for Judge Westcock’s change of heart, it turns out acoustic bass can do more than make a campfire jam even lamer.”

At press time, Gavin and his two kids were spotted outside Trader Joe’s performing as a Rusted Root cover trio.