Doctors Recommend Disappointingly Low Number of Lunch Beers

Posted on by Shane Pauker

SEATTLE — The World Health Organization formally recommended people only consume a disappointingly low number of beers at lunch, citing longitudinal studies, historical recordkeeping, and new data.

“I can’t believe I have to say this, but the typical, recommended number of lunch beers is zero. Two sips tops,” warned hepatologist Dr. Andrew-Bob Coalinga of Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center. “Even beyond liver damage and cancer risk, the social fallout of becoming a lunch beer guy has been linked to psychological damage, worsening from your 20s through 60s before plateauing. I advise all my patients to abstain from beer at lunch in all scenarios, unless maybe it’s a sunny Friday and you don’t have that much work to do and cracking open one or two would really hit the spot.” 

The suggestion is already ruining lunch for beer enthusiasts nationwide.

“I’ve always considered myself a reasonably healthy person, so this comes as a shock,” admitted frequent lunch beer consumer Margaret Lott. “I figured that moderation would be enough: I only eat red meat twice per meal. I only let myself have cigarettes while I’m on the treadmill. I already cut IPAs out of my lunch rotation! But if even if four light beers in the lunch box is too much, what’s left? Only having my PB&Js with Bloody Marys and mimosas?”

Lunch beer specialists, however, maintain their support for its consumption.

“Luncheon ales are the only thing that can keep the morale of this nation up,” preached self-described beerologist and University of Washington Sigma Chi President Gavin DeChambeau. “They’re lowkirkuenly good for you on all fronts. First, let’s look at mental health. Every psych major I’ve let into a party says self-medication is key. Load progressively — breakfast, lunch, and dinner in equal small parts. Next, physical health. Americans already have startling foam deficiencies in their diet; a nice, shittily poured head helps bridge that gap. Finally, spiritual health. How can you and your brothers build a shrine to anything without huge reserves of Natty Ice cans to build it out of? Lunch beers are three for three.”

At press time, the WHO recommended that if you or a loved one needs to safely dispose of any existing lunch beers, store them in a buddy’s fridge until the next Dodgers game is on TV.

Top 5 National Parks My Company Can Destroy To Build an AI Data Center

Posted on by Finn Kobler

I’ve been to all 15 National Parks in the US, 3 in Tajikistan, and a Busch Gardens high on shrooms. Safe to say, I know the majesty of nature when I see it. But my criteria for what constitutes the best piece of land have changed since I’ve gotten older. While I used to prioritize natural beauty, expansive hiking trails, and remoteness so my wife couldn’t call to berate me about spending our rent money on PJ Harvey Funko Pops, things have changed since I got a new job. My work as an AI Ethics Officer at Harold Benis, LLC has reshaped how I see the world. Now I don’t just appreciate Lake Clark for its scenic waters and ability to kill people from Alaska. I see its potential to hold compute clusters for high-speed chatbots. With that in mind, here are the top 5 National Parks my company wants to tear down to build AI Data Centers!

HAWAI’I VOLCANOES:

The last time I went to Mauna Loa, I heard an ‘io hawk chirp gently over amber magma, I felt the salt breeze in my hair, and I dreamt of a big cube absorbing code right in the middle of it all. Plus, with the recent island floods, our hyperscaler’s use of 3 million gallons of water per day could dry the whole community back up!

YELLOWSTONE:

Speaking of H2O, think about how much prettier the Steamboat Geyser waters would be cooling down a high-density GPU that’s just been prompted to write Naruto-pegging-Hamish-Linklater yaoi fanfiction.

JOSHUA TREE:

This gem of San Bernardino County generally attracts campers who are socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Now, it can expand its demo to include socially technofascist, biospherically barren.

BRYCE CANYON:

I asked 12 different men named Bryce about getting rid of this canyon, and not one of them gave a shit. Plus, the “ Amphitheater” is totally false advertising. I tried screening my child’s middle school production of Seussical Jr. at Paunsaugunt Plateau, but the cider cones made the images super choppy…unlike our Diffusion model, which trains on billions of image-text pairs to create consistent 4K PNGs.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT:

While it’s spellbinding to see prairie dogs, mule deer, and bison up close, the name of this steppe is too problematic to ignore. It’s time to reclaim this land from a controversial president who, according to our company’s LLM, ate Monica Lewinsky.

Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Metal Subgenre

Posted on by Charles Bill

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Leading musical anthropologists announced that they have discovered a previously uncontacted metal genre, confirmed sources.

“I was exploring through Sweden, trying to find where those gummy fish come from,” said anthropologist Dr. Erin Weir. “As I’m wandering through the deep woods, I hear some tasty licks, the kind of tasty licks I’ve never heard before. I pushed through the underbrush and found my way to a clearing where a tribe of Swedish youths were playing an entirely new type of metal. I asked them what they called it, and they told me they were Brungo. Thus, I dub this Brungo metal. I get to name it because they made me eat surströmming, so I earned it. Brungo metal is defined by slow chord progression, heavy emphasis on bass, and the drummer shitting himself at the end of each set.”

Weir went on to explain that not only was this a new genre of metal, but it was developed completely independently by Brungo.

“Ja, we make the metal ourselves,” said guitarist and lead screamer, Erik Knutsen. “When we were kids we only had Jimmy Buffet records because our parents were big parrot heads. From there we started experimenting and got to Brungo’s signature sound. Your musicologists tell us it is metal, but we just say it’s Brungo! It is natural musical reaction of seeing your father eaten by a bear, and your mother carried off by a flock of hawks. This is a traditional childhood for the Swedes.”

According to musical historians, this is one in a long line of discovered metal subgenres.

“This really reminds me of when power metal was discovered in a basement in Dayton in 1979,” said Rick Jones, professor of musicology at the University of Phoenix. “An individual reported a strange smell emanating from his neighbor’s house, and the police went to do a wellness check. They found six smelly teenagers who had been spending days figuring out how to play guitar faster and faster. And to this day, it is one of our most popular and cheesiest genres.”

At press time, Brungo was booked at sold out shows in Finland, Hamburg, and the festival from “Midsommar.”

What the Fuck? Glenn Beck Is Playing Synths on the New Ariel Pink Album, and It Sounds Really Good

Posted on by Kyle Donley

When hypnagogic mastermind Ariel Pink was outed for attending Donald Trump’s infamous January 6th rally, he lost it all — his record deal, his fan base, and what little respect still existed from his musical peers. However, for all he’s lost, he’s gained tenfold in the shockingly proficient synth playing of conservative media darling Glenn Beck. 

The unlikely pair hit it off when Beck first interviewed Pink back in 2021, the two bonding over their shared interest in reducing government spending and New Romantic-era synth pads. By the end of it, the interview had devolved into an impromptu Ativan-fueled jam session that seriously concerned the listeners of The Glenn Beck Program. The tapes were ultimately shelved, but the two men kept in touch on Truth Social until another chance encounter at CPAC ‘25 further solidified their chemistry. They ended up recording an EP’s worth of conservative talk radio on a Tascam Portastudio in Ariel’s hotel room that would ultimately get released as “The Home2Suites Tapes” on Heritage Foundation Records.  

While that project ultimately fizzled out, it was Beck’s surprisingly intuitive sense of melody that earned him a spot in Pink’s post-MAGA backing band, along with members from Damn Yankees and Trapt. His unique playing style — a cross between Gary Numan, shoegaze, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour — has reenergized Pink’s sound, bringing the music into bold new directions that no one asked for. His remarkable talent for tone and polyphony has especially flourished in a way that ranting about federal overreach for 3 hours straight never could allow.   

For now, Beck has fully devoted his attention to the band as they gear up for a string of small club dates and county fair appearances. In what some are calling his 3rd midlife crisis, the one-time CEO has fully left his family and media company behind in North Texas to wear a dangly earring and just kind of vibe out in Silverlake for a while. And while his wife and kids and longtime listeners may not like it, it’s a big win for millennials everywhere who are just trying to reconnect with their dads in some way.

Produced by Ariel Pink and R. Stevie Moore, Glenn Beck’s debut solo LP Whispers Of Tomorrow is set for release on Jagjaguwar later this year, and critics are already hailing it as the official death knell of both lo-fi electronica and the Tea Party movement.

Groupie Upgrades From Bassist to Merch Guy

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep with metal band Former Oracles’ merch guy instead of their bassist, sources report.

“Look, Sean was a nice guy and all, but it really wears you down to be fucking the lowest dude on the totem pole,” said Winterman while frantically folding size XXL shirts. “It’s embarrassing to come to shows and have other groupies ask me who I’m with and I have to sheepishly go ‘um, the guy on bass who weighs 140 pounds.’ I figure it’s just a better career move to get with Ian here and start slinging cassette tapes and shit. Actually, I bet I could make a killing on the resale market with some of these vinyl variants.”

Merch guy Ian Andersen seems pleased by Winterman’s decision.

“Ellie’s cool, she’s been coming to Oracles shows for like, two years, and started seeing Sean a few months ago. We just kind of let her pile in the van and stuff,” Andersen said, while taking four orders at the same time. “I don’t really know when she and I technically started dating. She just kind of waltzed over here, kissed me on the mouth, and said ‘are you out of mediums yet?’ And man, I fell in love right there and then. I guess someone is gonna have to tell Sean sooner or later.”

Groupie psychologist Dana McPherson offered her professional insight into the situation.

“Ms. Winterman is exhibiting perfectly natural behavior for someone in her community,” McPherson said, nodding her head sagely. “Think of this particular niche of women–and some men, and anyone else, they are very progressive–as a tribal hierarchy. Lead signers are, of course, the most coveted mates, followed by lead guitarists. And then, all the way at the bottom, below sound guys and maybe even venue staff, are bassists. It is a uniquely humiliating position for many groupies to find themselves in.”

As of press time, no members of Former Oracles had told the bassist yet.

Therapist Reassures Patient It Completely Normal for Loser Like Him to Feel That Way

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

NEW YORK — Local therapist Dr. Lauren Mitchell reassured her patient Monday that it is completely normal for a loser like him to feel the way that he does, sources confirmed.

“It makes perfect sense. His thoughts and emotions are entirely consistent with who he is,” Mitchell said gently, after her patient described his persistent loneliness and depression. “When you take into account your looks, social status, history of underachievement, terrible personality, and complete lack of any redeeming qualities, these thoughts are not only understandable, they’re expected for someone like you. You can’t expect to not feel worthless if you have no worth.”

The patient, 32-year-old Ryan Harlan, said the session was helpful in providing clarity around his emotional state.

“It was nice to have my feelings validated,” Harlan said. “I always thought there was something wrong with me, but she was able to explain that what I am feeling is completely normal, and I should be feeling this way given how what a piece of shit I am, the kind of a burden I’ve been to anyone who has ever known me, and how much better off I would be if I weren’t around anymore. She was even able to articulate flaws and patterns I didn’t even know I had, including a few things I honestly thought were just bad luck or out of my control and had nothing to do with who I was as a person.”

Experts in clinical psychology note that such approaches reflect a broader shift in how therapists engage with patients.

“Modern therapeutic practices emphasize meeting patients where they are, rather than where they might prefer to see themselves,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Aaron Feld. “In many cases, that involves acknowledging the full scope of how much of a fucking loser they really are. Recognizing how closely a patient’s emotional state aligns with how the rest of the world sees them can provide a clearer understanding of why those feelings persist over time, without introducing false hope or unnecessary reassurance when they clearly don’t deserve it.”

At press time, Mitchell was reportedly preparing to help Harlan further explore how what he liked, his taste in entertainment, the way he talked, and even the way he looked just sitting there made everyone hate him, and how that will continue to shape his emotional experiences moving forward.

Listen Here, Liberal! Our Grandfathers Fought and Died So You and I Could Enjoy the Freedom To Have Billionaires and Pedophiles Destroy Every Enjoyable Part of What It Means To Be Alive

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

I can’t believe I even have to point this out again to you soft, weak liberals, but freedom still isn’t free. It requires payment in perpetuity, and it’s a cost that we all must pay to have our liberty remain as wild as a soaring eagle, and as pure and white as my late uncle’s Klan robes.

Every generation must lay sacrifices at the altar of freedom. Our grandfathers made their sacrifice when they sailed across the Atlantic Ocean with nothing but determination, ammo, and low-grade amphetamines to ensure that Hitler didn’t have us all speaking German. Now? It’s our generation’s turn to sacrifice, and I will not just sit by watching you besmirch their memory by not gleefully and reflexively offering up every single joyful facet of what it means to be a human being so that our billionaire and pedophile overlords can do whatever they want all of the time.

They were called to serve. We are called to submit. That’s the cost of freedom in 2026, libs.

They were asked to kill Nazi’s; we’re asked to have them govern us. Deal with it.

I can’t believe you don’t feel the beautiful winds of patriotism under your wings as you are robbed of upward mobility, a livable planet, or public forest lands.

Do you not hear the drum and the fife beckoning you towards glory as you spend half of your paycheck on taxes to a government run by child rapists while billionaires buy up all media and technology systems so they can control every possible thing you do and believe?

Can you not feel the noble blood of your ancestry coursing through your veins as the other half of that paycheck is spent on barely being able to afford food and rent?

Do you not feel a love of life and liberty when guns have more rights than women, and every meaningful part of existence is privatized and sold back to you for more than you can afford?

If you answered no to any of these questions, well, I guess some of us actually love this country enough to let it be completely destroyed and robbed of any shred of its nobility and humanity by the dumbest, cruelest people imaginable.

Little Debbie Gives Little Kid Little Diabetes

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — A local child developed a new kind of “little” diabetes after eating only Little Debbie snack cakes, sources confirmed.

“Growing up, I remember all of my friends eating nothing but Oatmeal Creme Pies. Every skate and punk show we went to, someone passed a box of pies around. Sure, we were constantly breaking bones, and I don’t know how many we lost to rabies, but I survived. How was I supposed to know you shouldn’t do the same when you have kids? Next you’ll tell me Nutella is just middle-class chocolate frosting,” said Welk Betrug, parent of the child of concern. “The doctor ran a test that showed my kid’s blood is 0.12% creme filling, which is 0.04 above the legal limit. They said it’s the first case they’ve seen of ‘little diabetes.’ Maybe we were eating expired Cosmic Brownies? I checked my health insurance, and my policy only covers diabetes types 11, F, and berry blast. What am I supposed to do now? I’d like an explanation.”

McKee Foods, owner of the Little Debbie brand, disputed the parent’s claims.

“First off, there is no such thing as an expired Little Debbie product. As everyone knows, Zebra Cakes don’t go bad; they just get chewier. This is due to their high deliciosity per serving, especially now that we’ve added beef tallow to the creme filling,” said Johnwayne McKee, chief snackability officer for McKee Foods. “Besides, what type of diabetes do you expect to get from Little Debbie? Type 2? Yawn. ‘Little diabetes’ is at the same cutting edge of portability, moreishness, and al dente outer shell that defines Little Debbie products. You don’t get that with sleazy, low-deliciosity brands like Hostess, stuck in the past dealing out type 1, the oldest kind of diabetes.”

Health experts say more research is needed.

“Not much is known about little diabetes other than that it is the cutest type of diabetes. It makes the pancreas do an adorable giggle when it drops a fresh squirt of insulin, much like a puppy leaving an oopsie on the carpet,” said Dr. Lisa Sampson, a pediatrician at Johns Hopkins. “I recommend this parent eliminate snack cakes from the child’s diet immediately. Instead, switch to full-sized pies, cakes, and Swiss rolls. That increases the chance of super-sizing to type 2 diabetes, which is better researched and treatable.” 

As of press time, McKee Foods promised to underline the word “oatmeal” on each box of Oatmeal Creme Pies in an attempt to convince the public it’s a health food. 

Worst Member of Family on Track to Outlive Everyone

Posted on by Tim Graham

HANSON, Mass. — Local bigoted alcoholic Bud Cullen will likely live longer than many members of his family, according to perplexed health care workers.

“My uncle Bud is an unabashed piece of shit. He’s a drunk, racist 85-year-old chainsmoker, yet he lives on while far better members of our family drop dead,” said Jennifer Cullen following the funeral of her favorite aunt, Cindy Cullen. “Bud stumbled into Cindy’s wake, drunk as usual, spouting hateful bullshit all while proclaiming himself to be the most pious Christian among us. He’s the last of that generation now that his sister Cindy is gone. Uncle Bud even outlived several younger family members, including his son—although I have my suspicions that he faked his death to get away from his dad.”

Bud Cullen says he knows he doesn’t lead a traditionally healthy lifestyle, but figures he must be doing something right.

“Maybe the secret is a fifth of bourbon and a pack a day,” mused Bud Cullen, removing his oxygen mask to puff on a cigarette. “Doctors told me to stop drinking and smoking 40 years ago, and I’ve outlived most of them, too. Sure, I’m slowing down a bit, but I’ll still kick the ass of anyone half my age. Booze, smokes, red meat, raw milk—I do all the shit the libbed up doctors tell you to avoid, and I’m still here. I expect a lot more people are going to live to a ripe old age like me now that RFK Jr. is in charge of Americans’ health.”

Researchers are closing in on confirming a correlation between longevity and being a terrible person.

“It’s long been hypothesized that being an awful, generally mean and bad person has some positive effect on lifespan,” said Johns Hopkins researcher Dr. Howard Skinner. “My team has been studying subjects who would be colloquially known as ‘assholes’ for some time, and have found convincing evidence that these sociopaths do indeed live longer than kind, empathic people. The amazing thing is that these assholes often engage in self-destructive behavior like fighting, drugs and alcohol abuse, yet still they persist. Our working theory is that acting like an asshole releases key anti-aging compounds in the brain.”

At press time, Jennifer Cullen had learned of another death in her family, but was heartbroken to learn it was her “wonderful” cousin Brett Cullen and not Uncle Bud.

We Interviewed Powder Because We Thought He Was Billy Corgan

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ok, first off, we already fired our intern Colin over this, so please rest assured that it won’t happen again. With that being said, some of the blame should still fall on us for not asking any follow-up questions when he said he grew up with Billy Corgan in a boys’ home in Wheaton City, Texas. We suppose we just let the idea of interviewing the frontman from the Smashing Pumpkins cloud our judgment. 

Anyway, we didn’t realize our mistake until midway through our conversation with what ended up being the protagonist of 1995’s sci-fi drama “Powder”, when our recording devices began malfunctioning in his presence. In our defense, the guy showed up in a fedora with sunglasses, which we just supposed was a new look for the eccentric rock star. Anyway, here’s the interview:

The Hard Times: Wow, it’s so awesome to meet you! We’ve been a huge fan of yours since the nineties.

Powder: Thank you.

HT: So what’s up?

P: Have you ever listened to people from the inside? Listened so close you can hear their thoughts and memories?

HT: Excuse me?

P: When a thunderstorm comes up, I can feel it inside. When the lightning comes down, I can feel it wanting to come to me.

HT: …wow, Mr. Corgan, you really are deep. Are these lyrics to a new song? We really enjoyed “Aghori Mhori Mei”, so we’re excited to hear what more you guys have in store for us.

P: What did you call me?

HT: Billy Corgan. You are the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins, right?

P: No, my name is Jeremy Reed, but most people call me Powder.

HT: Oh shit, oh shit. We remember that movie. Are you okay with all of this electronic equipment around you?

P: Now that you mention it, I do feel a little…ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

It was at this point that a line of electricity shot from one of our laptops directly into Powder’s chest and lifted him into the air like a marionette, and we high-tailed it the fuck out of that boys’ home without checking to see if he was okay, which was kind of a dick move in retrospect. That freaky little weirdo could be dead right now, for all we know, or pure energy or whatever the fuck Jeff Goldblum said. We promise we’ll behave more honorably during our upcoming interview with Robert Smith, who our new intern Jacob has assured us definitely isn’t Lydia from “Beetlejuice”.