Epstein Suicide Note Oddly Resembles Courtney Love’s Handwriting

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

SEATTLE — A Federal judge recently released the alleged suicide note of Jeffrey Epstein, prompting a handwriting analyst from Seattle, Washington, to make the shocking claim that parts of the note look suspiciously similar to Courtney Love’s handwriting.

“If you examine the note closely, you can see that it’s written in two distinct styles,” said handwriting analyst Herman Bloom. “The first part, where it says ‘To Boddah,’ looks completely different than the part where Epstein whines about Donald Trump forgetting to put plastic down in his suite before his ‘pee pee playdate.’ In fact, the main body of the note looks more like Epstein just writing out a list of grievances than a plan to kill himself. Only the beginning and the end—the parts that just so happen to match Love’s handwriting–resemble a suicide note.”

Bloom offered no insight as to what motive Love would have to fake Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide, but Dave Grohl, of Foo Fighters fame and Love’s frequent adversary, has a theory.

“Oh, she’s definitely been to the island,” said Grohl, alluding to Love visiting Epstein’s notorious private sex island, Little Saint James. “And I’m totally not just saying that out of spite because she gets a cut of Nirvana royalties. She was afraid that Epstein would eventually spill the beans, so she ‘took care of it’ before he could say anything. I’m not saying she’s done this sort of thing before, but I’m not not saying that, feel me?” 

Love denies writing any part of Jeffrey Epstein’s suicide note and says she never even met the late financier and sex criminal.

“Look, I’ve met my share of sex pests,” said Love while using one cigarette to light another. “Harvey Weinstein, Marilyn Manson, but never this Jeffrey Epstein guy. I don’t know anything about him other than that he trafficked kids, he was rich, and he couldn’t help my career in any way.” 

At press time, at least 9 documentaries blaming Love for the suicide have sprung into development. 

We Asked 5 Americans if They Could Spot the Difference Between the Australian and New Zealand Flags, and They Just Started Crying and Asked for Healthcare

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

Americans are widely known to be ignorant about the rest of the world: many can’t even point out foreign countries on a map, let alone discern the nuances of the Australian and New Zealand flags. 

We asked five Americans if they could spot the differences between them, and would you believe it? Every single one of them broke down crying and begged us for healthcare. 

Does the Australian or New Zealand flag have more stars? 

Tory Francis, Baltimore: 

“I’m sorry, I can’t really focus on this right now because I can’t get my Adderall prescription filled because my health insurance keeps changing, and then they keep sending my prescription to Rite Aid, which doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve been on the phone for five hours. I feel like I was just stabilizing and now this… I don’t know. I just don’t know.”  

Which flag has four 5-pointed red stars with white borders?

Nika Robin, Kansas City: 

“Do you guys have any spare antibiotics lying around? I’m pretty sure I have a UTI, but I can’t afford insurance, and also, I make too much money for Planned Parenthood’s sliding scale.”

Which flag features the Commonwealth Star, with seven points representing the Federation? 

Christopher Oakly, Albany: 

“What? Sorry, I’m listening to a free meditation app to deal with my anxiety. The other day, I was hyperventilating, so I had to go to the ER because I wasn’t sure if I was having a heart attack or a panic attack, and now I have to pay thousands of dollars for them to tell me it was a panic attack, and now the extreme debt I’m in is possibly giving me further panic attacks.”

Okay, here’s an easy one: Why do both flags feature the Union Jack? 

Braydon Travis, Berkely: 

“Not to be weird, but do you mind taking a look at this rash? It’s either shingles or a new plague. I just aged out of my parents’ health insurance, and also they refused to vaccinate me.”

Keeping it simple: Here are pictures of both the Australian and New Zealand flags. Which is which? 

Madison Hollis, Denton: 

“So I actually know the difference, but my glasses broke, and my job doesn’t provide vision insurance, so these are too blurry for me to tell.”

There you have it folks! Americans don’t know jack shit. We would have interviewed more people, but we’re dealing with an impacted molar and sure as hell don’t have dental.

Report: 75% of Boomer Men Adding Instagram Porn Bots to Their Living Wills and Testaments

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — AARP Magazine released a startling study this week that approximately 75% of boomer babies are changing their living wills and testaments to name the porn bots they interact with online as sole beneficiaries, those within the organization have confirmed.

“We surveyed millions of families about passing down their wealth, and we were shocked to find three out of four men had living wills that thrown their children and spouses under the bus and instead stipulated all their money and possessions would be left in the hands of social media porn bot accounts on Instagram, Threads, and X,” said Ernest Johnson. “Hell, some of these spam accounts literally have the power of attorney to legally pull the plug. I guess these are the boomers who, when they were younger, thought the stripper liked them.”

One of the surveyed boomers maintained he was making the right call.

“Adult protective services my ass, I’m of sound mind and body and I want my online girlfriend to have my estate. At least she doesn’t nag me to no end like my dumbass kids with ‘her profile picture is being used for ten other accounts’ and ‘please we need that money for Janie’s college.’ Well Sophie894_0 is getting every red cent, because unlike my asshole kids she didn’t put me in a home and block Fox News on my TV,” said Michael Cooper. “Even though she doesn’t respond for days to my compliments about her tits, I know she has my best interests in mind. It’s good to be in love.” 

Those responsible for the porn bot accounts admittedly were just as surprised as the researchers.

“My bot farm only meant to swindle some Amazon gift cards from incels, and the next thing I know all these old dudes are sending me love messages and naming my handles in their wills. Which is great and all, but now if I want the money I also need to figure out how an AI anime girl is supposed to arrange hospice care,” said Dimitri Petrov of St. Petersberg, Russia. “I thought Americans being this gullible was just a myth, but a bunch of these fools have named two or three of my accounts in their wills. God bless social media.”

The study also went on to reveal even 75% of Gen X men would leave their spouses and run away with the porn bots if asked.

Local Man Waiting to Form All of Opinion Before Hearing the Facts

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

DENVER — Local man Tyler Gibbons reportedly confirmed Tuesday that he is waiting to form all of his opinion before hearing any of the facts, confirmed sources.

“I’ve found it’s just easier to lock everything in up front. This ensures my views remain consistent and unaffected by new information, which tends to introduce unnecessary doubt into otherwise solid positions,” Gibbons said, noting that he prefers to reach a complete and fully formed conclusion as early as possible. “If you start bringing facts into it too soon, you really risk complicating things or even changing your mind, which is unnecessary and counterproductive to having a strong stance, especially when you already know how you should feel about it.”

Friends of Gibbons said he has become increasingly disciplined in avoiding any information that might interfere with his conclusions.

“He’s been really careful lately,” said longtime friend Marcus Lee. “He won’t read articles, won’t watch videos, and if someone starts explaining what actually happened, he’ll just walk away. He’s even started forming strong opinions about situations that haven’t happened yet, just so he’s not caught off guard when they do, and so he doesn’t have to adjust anything once more details start coming out. He told me it’s actually better this way because he only has to think about it once. At this point, he’s usually already passionately in his position on something before anyone else has even heard about whatever he is defending.”

Experts in psychology noted that such behavior reflects a broader tendency among individuals to prioritize internal consistency over accuracy.

“Forming an opinion before encountering the facts can help individuals maintain a stable sense of identity,” explained psychologist Dr. Rachel Kim. “By avoiding exposure to any context, details, or nuance, they reduce the likelihood of cognitive dissonance and protect themselves from having to reassess their deeply held unexamined beliefs. This is especially important for individuals who place a high value on believing they appear confident, where any introduction of new information would serve only to destabilize that belief rather than improve it.”

At press time, Gibbons was reportedly finalizing his stance on several breaking developments he had not yet learned about, describing his positions as “pretty locked in” despite having no idea what any of them involved, and expressing confidence that any future facts would ultimately support what he had already decided.

The Only Difference Between “Tax the Rich” and a Racial Slur Is I Don’t Become Erect When I Say “Tax the Rich” – Guest Post by Steven Roth

Posted on by Dan Rice

In America today, there is one group of people who have it harder than anyone else. Every day, they face prejudice, every day they are kept down, every day they are the subject of widespread mockery and slander in the media. I’m talking, of course, about multi-millionaire property wonders. 

My name is Steven Roth. You probably don’t know me because I’m usually one of those shadowy, behind-the-scenes rich guys, not one of those out in the open deliberate distraction Elon types, but yes, I am a rich American, and it’s time for me to make my voice heard. I speak for all rich Americans, or persons of wealth, when I say we’re tired of the hurtful things you all say so flippantly. Things like “Hey, you should pay your fair share like everyone else” and “tax the rich!” As someone qualified to speak on the rich experience in America, I can assure you that that three-word phrase is every bit as hurtful and destructive as the worst ethnic slurs. The only thing that makes “tax the rich” any different than the hate speech is the fact that my penis does not become immediately engorged when I shout it angrily. 

We’re supposed to be living in a time of tolerance, where PC cancel culture has gone and run amok, and yet any Tom, Dick, or Harry can freely say something so hurtful to my people with no consequence? It’s total hypocrisy! Honestly, it’s getting me so mad I’ve got half a mind to shout all the bad words for Chinese and furiously masturbate right now! On an unrelated note, I’ll be right back. 

Okay, I’m back. Just where the hell does a terrorist like Mamdani get off fostering such resentment toward my people?! I truly don’t see how his implying I should surrender the portion of my vast wealth I am legally obliged to give is any different from me calling him a… well, you know. Unrelated, I need another quick break, brb. 

Okay, I’m back. Is it hot in here? I’m feeling dehydrated. The point is, wealthy Americans are the backbone of this nation’s economy, the same economy that breaks so many of this nation’s great, actual backbones. I just sort of feel like, when you’re the backbone of something, you should be exempt from supporting it in any way. You want me, instead, to give you money?! Money that I only have a lot of?! You might as well tattoo a number into my arm and literally throw my entire family into an oven. 

I dream of a day when people are judged not by the color of their skin, or the content of their character, or how much wealth they horde while millions starve, but by what a fully AI-generated media landscape tells them to think. Also, by the color of their skin. Until that day, me and my brothers in wealth will just have to keep on keeping on. 

Environmentally Conscious Man Gives Up Drinking Water to Counteract His Rampant AI Usage

Posted on by Billy Patterson

BETHESDA, Md. — Local conservationist Martin Sinclair vowed to stop drinking water in order to offset the environmental impact of his constant use of AI tools, virtuous sources confirmed. 

“Everyone knows that AI wastes a tremendous amount of water,” said Sinclair, executing a quick ChatGPT prompt to confirm his facts. “And as someone who needs to use AI platforms to do my job, get my news, draft my emails, form my opinions, generate my entertainment, customize my pornography, and be my therapist, that weighs heavily on my conscience. That’s why I’ve sworn to cease all of my water consumption — no drinking, no bathing, no laundry, and I will be eating my pasta dry. We only have one earth, and I intend to do everything I can to protect her.”

Megan Ortiz, a friend of Sinclair’s, confirms the seriousness of his convictions, but is less than happy with the results.

“Martin was annoying enough when he was just spending 10 hours a day generating AI content, but now that he stopped drinking water he’s even more insufferable,” Ortiz stated. “He made a big show of sending his water back to the kitchen at lunch the other day, before showing the waiter a five-minute AI video of Garfield breakdancing. He’s always criticizing me for my energy usage and frowning when I wash my hands, and he won’t stop sending me typo-filled AI infographics about rainforest depletion. But I would forgive all his AI slop and obnoxious moralizing if he’d just take a fucking shower.”

Sinclair’s stance is one that is supported by the AI industry, according to Christian Golesh, founder and CEO of the artificial intelligence systems company Aurelium.

“As a leader in the AI space, I take the environmental impact of our platforms very seriously,” said Golesh. “Our data centers require quite a bit of water, and obviously there’s no way to cut back on that without jeopardizing our stock valuation and the broader global market. So instead we’ve instituted a company-wide ‘green pledge,’ removing all sinks and air conditioners from our offices, limiting our employees to 6oz of hydration per day, and encouraging people around the world to limit their water intake. It’s on all of us to help preserve this beautiful, delicate AI bubble.”

At press time, Sinclair had reversed his stance and begun drinking water again after an AI chatbot told him that concerns over data center water consumption were overblown.

New OJ Simpson Biopic Will Focus On “The Juice’s” Life Up To June 1994

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

HOLLYWOOD — An OJ Simpson biopic chronicling “The Juice’s” childhood, his Heisman Trophy-winning season at USC, and his array of achievements as a professional athlete, sportscaster, and actor up to June 1994, has been greenlit and will start filming later this month, according to film industry sources. 

Veteran screenwriter Logan Johnson has been tapped by the Simpson estate to adapt OJ’s inspiring biography to the silver screen with a moving cinematic rendering that stops just short of some boring legal trouble The Juice had at the tail end of his life. “I plan to meld actual game footage from OJ’s playing days in college and in the NFL with modern-day actors reenacting formative moments from his private and public life,” said Johnson. “I’ve been told that as long as those formative moments have nothing to do with why OJ had no alibi for where he was when the infamous Brentwood murders happened in June of 1994, or why he behaved so oddly when a limousine driver came to pick him up on the night of the killings, or why he would go on to co-author a book titled ‘If I Did It’ a few years later, I have complete artistic freedom.” 

Despite only being in pre-production, the film has already gained significant backlash online. Producer Joel Aidson recently took to Twitter to dismiss these early criticisms. 

“We are by no means ‘taking it easy’ on OJ. This film will fully explore his role in the poor box office performance of ‘Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.’ Frankly, we really take him to task on that one. “

Cultural critic and film historian Elaine Varitek pointed out that this tactful omission is becoming a growing trend in biopic filmmaking. 

“The recent success of the Michael Jackson biopic could very well usher in a new golden age for Hollywood profiteering off stylized reputation reboots,” said Varitek. “The families of the disgraced deceased are licking their chops right now, as it seems the viewing public is hungry for films that whitewash the tarnished legacies of the icons of what they remember as simpler times. I’m already hearing rumors of a Woody Allen Biopic that focuses exclusively on his jazz career, 

At press time, the estate of Henry Kissinger is shopping for screenwriters to craft a feel-good biopic about Kissinger’s life up that stops abruptly at January 1969, when he became National Security Advisor to President Richard Nixon. 

Delta, United, American Airlines Reaffirm Their Commitment To Charge Higher Prices for Increasingly Shitty Experience  

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

CHICAGO — Upon news of Spirit Airlines officially shutting down, Delta, United, and American Airlines reaffirmed their commitment to consistently raising their prices while making their customers’ flying experience increasingly awful, confirmed sources.

“Finally, Spirit’s closure has given us the opportunity to earn customers’ loyalty by being one of their only options,” stated Delta CEO Ed Bastian. “We’re considering some new, innovative tiered pricing options — for example, in addition to paying for Wi-Fi, customers could have the opportunity to pay for a more qualified pilot. Thrifty customers who do not consider safety a priority can opt to pay a smaller fee for a pilot with less training, or perhaps one with a few violations on their record. We’re also charging a $50 fee if the customer wants to avoid having a fellow passenger sit on their lap during the entirety of the flight.”

Customers are thrilled to rise above the riff-raff as they take to the skies while paying ever exorbitant prices for steadily more uncomfortable experiences. 

“I’ve already adapted to paying for a checked bag, carry-on, seat choice, food, drink, and in-flight headphones. Perhaps I could pay for selecting hot or cold air blowing from the air vents, and if I don’t pay, it randomly selects for me,” said Loyal United MilagePlus customer Steven Muskcard. “As a moderately successful businessman, I hope to have the pleasure of paying more for standing up, sitting down again, or using the bathroom, which of course will be slowly deteriorating in both amenities and cleanliness.”

Free market expert and economist Eldon Parker believes Spirit’s recent shutdown can only help customers pay more for fewer, more terrible options. 

“Nothing improves service like less competition and decreased regulation,” Parker noted. “American Airlines has been tossing around the idea of charging extra for flight attendants to acknowledge your existence, and obviously the rate would go up during emergencies. Personally, I’m thrilled to see what they come up with, although I won’t experience them directly because I only fly via private jet.”

At press time, Southwest Airlines revealed that they’re considering charging customers for “stopped plane boarding” where frugal travelers can simply jump aboard as the plane touches down momentarily on the tarmac.

6 Celebrities Who Look Totally Different Now Because They’re Dead and Are Mostly Bones at This Point

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

The pressures of aging in Hollywood can be brutal, which is why so many people are used to seeing celebrities undergo dramatic transformations — whether it’s from cosmetic procedures, style rebrands, or being dead for decades and now consisting primarily of bones. Here’s a roundup of famous faces who many fans feel truly do not look like they used to.

1. Elvis Presley – Once known for his jet-black pompadour, smoldering eyes, and swiveling hips, Elvis now reportedly sports a far more stripped-down look built mostly around hip bones. Fans who remember the King in his rhinestone jumpsuit would likely be shocked to see how little flesh he currently has on him, though insiders say his bone structure remains unmatched.

2. John Wayne – Wayne built his image on rugged masculinity, broad shoulders, and a swaggering cowboy gait. Today, he’s looking rougher and tougher than ever, covered head to toe in cracked, sunbaked leather that was once his skin. It’s now impossible to tell where the chaps end, and he begins.

3. Liberace – Liberace built his brand on pure visual excess, dazzling audiences with enormous fur coats, glittering sequins, and surgically altered faces. It seems the flamboyant pianist is still pursuing the most perfected version of himself possible, with impossibly tight features time has refined down to little more than a skull.

4. Lucille Ball – Beloved comedian Lucille Ball once lit up screens with her bright red hair and expressive face. The comedy legend has since ditched much of what made her so recognizable by no longer having hair, cheeks, or even skin, although many say she has kept her impeccable comedic timing.

5. Charlie Chaplin – Known for his bowler hat, toothbrush mustache, and cane, Chaplin has one of the most recognizable looks in cinema history. These days, the silent film legend appears to be re-embracing the monochromatic era with a classic pitch-black and bone-white look.

6. William Shakespeare – Though mostly known as a playwright, Shakespeare remains one of the biggest celebrities of all time if you’re the kind of person who’s annoying at parties. And yes, the Bard looks very different now. Gone are the famous balding head, earring, and little mustache, replaced instead by the stark visual reminder that all fame is temporary, nothing is forever, and no one will be remembered once there is no one left to remember you.

Death appears to be the one Hollywood trend no celebrity can outrun. Can you think of other celebs who have changed a lot in recent years? Let us know in the comments.

‘Star Wars’ Fans Rejoice as George Lucas Continues to Keep His Opinion of Trans People to Himself

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

LOS ANGELES — “Star Wars” fans are expressing their joy over franchise creator George Lucas’s decision to continue his longstanding tradition of not telling anyone his personal thoughts on transgender issues in the wake of recent controversies surrounding “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling, confirmed sources.

“Those poor Potter fans have the worst luck. I couldn’t imagine if the creator of my favorite fictional universe regularly attacked the transgender community and actively funded legislation that hurts them directly,” said Chip Bromley, member of the world-renowned “Star Wars” themed charity group the 501st Legion. “All I can say is, thank god, George Lucas doesn’t have any social media accounts. It’s not even clear whether he even has any opinions at this point in his life. Considering his age, that’s probably for the best.”

According to past associates, Lucas’s refusal to speak out against trans issues is just one facet of the director’s longtime progressive values.

“George has always been on the right side of history when it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community,” said former President of Lucasfilm Kathleen Kennedy. “Many fans don’t know this, but R2-D2 and C-3PO were the first gay robots ever featured in a major motion picture. That scene in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ where Luke is floating in a tank wearing a diaper? That was intended to show support for people with adult baby fetishes. And let’s not forget the trans Ewok George digitally inserted into the Battle of Endor for the ‘Return of the Jedi: Special Edition.’”

Pablo Hidalgo, senior member of The Lucasfilm Story Group, backs up Kennedy’s assessment of her former boss.

“Look, nobody is implying that George is perfect,” said Hidalgo. “After all, he did give the Neimoidians in ‘The Phantom Menace’ questionable Asian accents as well as depicting greedy junk dealer Watto with an oversized nose. And is Jar Jar Binks a little too close to a Jamaican stereotype for my liking? Does a Gungun shit in the water? The real question, though, is whether Lucas has ever done or said anything to denigrate the trans community specifically and the answer is a resounding no.”

At press time, Disney, the current owner of the “Star Wars” IP, had just announced plans to follow Lucas’s lead and also not say anything about the trans community—even when it would be helpful.