Lauren Lanvin, Author at HARDTIMES

Rising Gas Prices Forces Touring Band To Flintstone Their Way Between Gigs

Posted on July 2, 2026July 2, 2026 by James Knapp

CONROE, Texas — The ongoing war in Iran and steep increase in the cost of gasoline has forced touring folk-punk band Secret Hobo Spices (SHS) to power their Econoline van by foot power ala The Flintstones mechanics, sore and blistered sources confirmed.

“This administration is a bunch of warmongering, fascist pedophiles who are defiling the earth and destroying our sense of good with our common man! Also, I have plantar fasciitis and this is bullshit!” declared SHS saw player known only as Trussle Rust. “We’re a folk-punk band — we wouldn’t even believe in money if we had it. But if the price of gas doesn’t drop soon, then unless we can train our stray dog, Henry Kissenger’s Ghost, to sleddog everything, we’re gonna miss our show in Youngstown, Ohio.”

A spokesman for the Trump administration, whose name is probably Kyler, had this to say.

“President Trump knows that many Americans are concerned about how the ongoing war is affecting their personal finances. I want to let you all know that the president is doing everything he can to bring this conflict to a swift and bloody conclusion,” stated Kyler, or possibly Bradley. “As far as how the price of oil is impacting motorists, well, unfortunately you’re just gonna have to work those peets for a little while. Because let’s be honest, none of you fucks can afford a Nissan LEAF.”

To get a better scope of the historical relation between unconstitutional war and oil, 111-year-old oil baron Thaddeus Cornelious Rudabaugh Kidstrangle provided his perspective.

“I’ve learned two inescapable truths in my long career in oil — don’t build wells in Ohio and the non-whites die first,” said Kidstrangle, who is hopefully minutes from death. “Almost certainly war is a major boon for an oil man such as myself, but this Trump shyster just has no fucking idea what he’s doing. He’s almost certainly leading us to global collapse. Now that doesn’t mean much for me since almost everyone I meet reminds me of the grim specter of my imminent grave — but maybe you should consider hiring another Bush next time. They really know how to throw a profitable war.”

At press time, SHS was forced to pay for $3,000 of repairs to the van despite not having any gas, a battery, any mechanical work being done or the van even still being on an actual roadway.

Oh, You’re a Guided by Voices Fan? Name Three DUI Checkpoints in Western Ohio

Posted on July 2, 2026 by Drew Drevyanko

Oh, so you’re a big Guided By Voices fan? A scholar of the Pollardverse? Fuck off. Unless you can name me three well-known sobriety checkpoints in Western Ohio, you can never utter the words “Warp & Woof” again.

I don’t give a shit that you can name every member of the classic lineup, the ‘97 Cobre Verde lineup, the Doug Gillard era, the new Doug Gillard era, or even the very brief Nick Mitchell incarnation. Tell me which exit on I-75 in Toledo to avoid after 10 pm on Fridays.

Do you know how many relationships, career opportunities, and Chevy Impalas I’ve destroyed because of my Pollard fandom? Countless. The least you could do is memorize a couple of roadblocks before you start drumming “My Valuable Hunting Knife” on your steering wheel.

True GBV heads keep an annotated map of every DUI checkpoint south of the Maumee River in their glovebox, right next to a Miller Lite tallboy and a copy of Pollard’s collage book, EAT 15.

Also, DUIs are actually called OVIs in Ohio. It stands for “Operating a Vehicle Under the Influence,” which should roll off the tongue fairly easily for someone who knows every word to “The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory.”

So you own all 44 studio albums from Devil Between My Toes to Crawlspace of the Pantheon? Big deal. Your favorite song might as well be “Hold on Hope” if you don’t know which milepost on Rt. 127 in Paulding County has the Ohio State Highway Patrol waiting to ruin your fucking life.

Are you even aware that the title “Vampire on Titus” is a reference to Titus Avenue, where Bob Pollard used to live in Dayton? You should, because there’s always a cop sitting by the Waffle House on Needmore Road, and trust me, he is not amused when you sing him “Teenage FBI.” It WILL end in a body cavity search.

And quit bragging that your original, handmade copy of Propeller goes for $2,500 on Discogs. That will barely cover the attorney fees if you get busted. I had to sell all nine color variants of my Tonics and Twisted Chasers to get them to drop the reckless endangerment charges.

This is not about fandom, this is about survival. If you consider yourself a true GBV fan, you need to know every back road from Columbus to Cincinnati before you go 90mph down I-71 blasting a 39-song album in 42 minutes.

The only thing more dangerous than a .24 blood alcohol level is admitting you don’t know where the next DUI trap is. And if that’s the case, you’re probably better off listening to Wilco.

Polls Show Ken Paxton Performing Favorably Among the Cannibalistic, Chainsaw-Wielding, Human Skin Mask-Wearing Faction of the Texas Electorate

Posted on July 2, 2026July 2, 2026 by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Texas Republican nominee in the 2026 U.S. Senate election Ken Paxton is currently enjoying a wide berth over Democratic opponent James Talarico among the state’s cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding, human skin mask-wearing electorate, according to an independent poll.

“I really like this Paxton guy,” confirmed chainsaw wielding psychopath Jethro “Necrobutcher” Hurley as he removed the skin of his latest victim. “The other guy keeps talking about loving your neighbor and being a decent human being, which doesn’t really do much for us cannibalistic murderers, you know? It’s been tough for us to find victims ever since Google Maps was invented, as less people are getting lost and finding themselves at our combination gas stations/human meat barbeque stands. I’m hoping he can completely run this state into the ground and kick off some sort of diaspora. My mouth is watering at the thought of all the people who’d travel past my house if we had another Dust Bowl.”

Paxton was thrilled at the news.

“I know I have the support of all decent, God-fearing Texans, which of course includes our beloved cannibals,” said Paxton. “These are good folk we see adorned in the skins of the attractive college students who had the misfortune of happening upon their domiciles, and they’ve fallen under hard times. My opponent would probably support giving their victims tuition reimbursement or even free healthcare, which is downright shameful. I’ve even heard ‘Talafreako’ is a vegan, which we all know is a sin here in Texas. I encourage all of our state’s demented slayers to take a break from reveling in the flesh of the decomposing bodies littering their houses to come out to my rally in San Antonio next Thursday.”

Political scientist Thandiwe Carson weighed in on the development.

“It’s extremely common for Republican political candidates to receive support from horror villains,” Carson opined. “Republican senator Pete Ricketts just earned the official endorsement of Nebraska’s rogue bands of children who worship malevolent cornfield entities in his bid for reelection, and Susan Collins would not have become Maine’s senator without the ever-growing population of sentient corpses emerging from the state’s Pet Semataries. I know many Americans are in a constant state of disbelief over how their country could have reached its current situation, and this is a huge reason for that.”

At press time, Paxton was also performing well among Texas’s deformed, subterranean survivors of nuclear testing.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Apparently Has a Heart

Posted on July 1, 2026 by KC Jones

WASHINGTON — News that Sen. Mitch McConnell was found unconscious after suffering a severe heart attack in his Washington, D.C. home has rocked the nation’s capital, with Washington insiders reporting that they were “blindsided” by the revelation that the 84-year-old Kentucky Senator actually has a heart.

“It was literally jaw-dropping,” said one congressional staffer who chose to remain anonymous. “It’s just not something we were prepared for. You think you know somebody once you’ve worked alongside them for many years. With all that Senator McConnell has done throughout his long political career, I would have never once considered that he could have a heart, or really even blood.”

The Republican National Committee has since released press statements condemning McConnell, stating that the possession of a heart “does not align with the values of the GOP, our platform, or the voters we represent.”

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops.

Depressed Woman Terrified Her Plane Won’t Crash

Posted on July 1, 2026July 1, 2026 by Dom Turek

NEW YORK — An unruly passenger disrupted service aboard Delta Flight 180 flying from LaGuardia Airport to Los Angeles International Airport after she became increasingly distressed upon learning the recently inspected plane was in full working order and expected to land at its predetermined destination with a 100 percent survival rate, sources confirmed.

“I popped a sedative before take off, but it wasn’t enough to stop the panic attack,” said the anxious passenger, Amanda Decarlo. “I couldn’t shake the gruesome image of all 250 passengers, some of them children, surviving the flight without incident and being thrust back into the brutal, meaningless humdrum of everyday life. After the pilot’s impeccable handling of turbulence at an altitude of 40,000 feet, I knew we were in good hands. That’s when the fear really started to creep in.”

Passengers sitting closest to the panic-stricken woman remained unaware of her phobia until the final leg of the flight, when the captain announced over the loudspeaker that the local weather in Los Angeles was 78 degrees and sunny, and that the aircraft was “on track to arrive slightly ahead of schedule.”

“She seemed pretty normal until she asked to switch seats with me so she could look out the window,” said passenger Mary Gutierrez. “She [Decarlo] mumbled something about ‘wanting a front-row seat for when this hunk of junk nosedives into the Rocky Mountains.’ In the interest of small talk, I asked what her plans were after landing, but she only mentioned looking forward to never again having to go to the dentist, stub her toe, or hear the cashier ask if she wanted the receipt emailed or printed.”

As technology advances, some of the more melancholic passengers have been forced to confront the stark reality that, in all likelihood, the plane will land safely on the tarmac where a shuttle bus will be waiting to transport them to the nearest Hertz.

“If you try to please everybody, you’ll end up pleasing no one,” said Jay Turnage, pilot of Flight 180. “Unfortunately, for some of our more despondent passengers, due to increased protocols and advancements in aerial innovation, we simply aren’t able to guarantee an unsafe flight. But we do our best to keep people on their toes with the occasional total hydraulic loss or uncontained engine failure.”

At press time, Decarlo appeared more reassured after the oxygen mask accidentally deployed above her seat.

Co-Worker Who Started Watching Soccer Last Week Already Knows Enough to Mansplain

Posted on July 1, 2026 by Cam Berkowitz

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local procurement specialist Will Abbott revealed that he spent nearly an entire afternoon skimming the rules, players, and developing storylines of competitive soccer, providing him with enough knowledge to condescendingly explain the sport to women, confirmed sources.

“Ever since I watched my first match last week, I’ve become something of a hooligan for the beautiful game,” Abbott said. “As the office’s resident expert, it’s my job to make sure that all the casual fans know what they’re talking about, including that it’s actually called ‘football,’ not ‘soccer.’ I wouldn’t want them to embarrass themselves in front of their friends or husbands! Weirdly, nobody has asked me any questions yet—I think they must be intimidated by me—so I’ve made a point to interrupt any conversation even remotely related to the sport and immediately share my thoughtful and compelling takes. It’s important that I speak as loudly as possible when opining on the intricacies of the game, so that even co-workers wearing headphones have the opportunity to learn something about our nation’s fourth most popular sport.”

Abbott’s colleagues at Granstrum Dynamics have been hesitant to fully engage with his attempts at conversation.

“We had the game on in the break room, and Will spent our entire lunch hour announcing whether each player was on or offside,” said Abbott’s co-worker Brenda Romero. “At one point he claimed the ref was offside—I don’t even think that’s possible. Then he tried to argue that all the best games end 0-0, and he made sure we knew that it’s actually called nil-nil. I try to just ignore him. Now that his wife took their kids, pretending to know a lot about soccer is the only thing he has going for him.”

Abbott, whose own soccer career ended after scoring an own goal in the second grade, is not the only one to let his newfound enthusiasm for the sport turn him into his workplace’s most insufferable employee, which is why representatives from FIFA provided their opinion on the matter.

“Mansplaining is one of our sport’s most storied traditions, and the knowledge required to do so has never been more accessible,” said FIFA spokesperson Callum Sims. “Our broadcast partners are providing 24/7 coverage across cable, streaming packages, and our official mobile app, so now new fans across the globe can adopt the tools they need to arrogantly demonstrate their superiority to their helpless officemates.”

At press time, Abbott was less than a year away from mansplaining the Women’s World Cup.

Bro, the Only Reason the Strokes Made It Is Because They’re Nepo Babies and Their Debut Album’s an All-Time Classic

Posted on June 30, 2026 by Kyle Donley

Oh, you like The Strokes? Yeah, that’s cool. You know they were all like little rich glitterati kids from New York City, though, right? Like going to galas and Sotheby’s auctions and shit. Garage rock revival my ass! I’m sure those leather jackets weren’t cheap either. Not like the ones we bought at Forever 21. I even heard they like, paid people to make their sneakers look dirty, it’s wild. But that’s how the industry works, man. All you need is daddy’s checkbook and an era-defining debut album to make it big!

I swear if it weren’t for their seminal debut album, or their excellent follow-up Room on Fire, or the rest of their albums which are actually pretty decent, The Strokes would just be another early aughts footnote. But noooo, 25 years later, and they still get to headline festivals and have successful solo projects because they’ve made a “career” out of being really gifted musicians whose songs we all know and love. Such bullshit. I mean, they’re basically The Vines but with trust funds. And like, much better songs.

The whole thing is pretty much rigged. Looking back on it now, my band, Kevin’s Nightmare, never stood a chance. First of all, my dad works at the post office, so what was he ever gonna do for us? Pass our demo along to the Postmaster? Fuck that guy! Secondly, our debut EP Lunch For Breakfast is really bad. There’s only four songs and none of them are memorable or good. It was recorded on a TalkBoy, but instead of sounding lo-fi and cool, it mostly sounded like drunk guys who didn’t know how to write or record music. We also had to have 2 bassists because the only instruments we had were 2 basses.

Not like the dainty little Strokes boys who had the proper amount of instruments for a rock band and got to record in fancy studios, pinkies pointed outward as they strummed their custom-made guitars, delicately soft hands diddling their vintage Moog synthesizers, and so on. Must’ve been real nice to have the financial freedom to practice songs on their instruments until they had timeless classics with catchy hooks and memorable choruses. Normal guys like us don’t have the luxury of being “disciplined” or setting and achieving “goals” or doing “heroin” with “Ryan Adams”. But hey, some guys are just born with shitty dads.

We Sat Down With Anti-Trans Swimmer Riley Gaines To Find Out What Other Sports She Fucking Sucks At

Posted on June 30, 2026June 29, 2026 by Steve Packosky

If you’re fortunate enough to have never heard of anti-trans activist Riley Gaines, she is a former collegiate swimmer who came in fifth place in the 200-yard freestyle NCAA championship, and decided to blame whatever personal shortcomings contributed to her sub-par performance on a trans swimmer who participated in the same race. We recently got a chance to interview her, and found it to be a perfect opportunity to find out what other sports she fucking sucks at.

The Hard Times: Hi Riley, it’s nice to meet you.

Riley Gaines: Happy to be here.

HT: So what’s new with you?

RG: Well, I just gave a speech to Republicans in Adams County, Illinois, at the Lincoln Reagan Trump Dinner to warn them about the dangers of the Woke Mob, and—

HT: Right, and are you as bad at public speaking as you are at swimming?

RG: Excuse me?

HT: It’s well known that you got famous for being a shitty swimmer, and we were wondering what other sports you’re total fucking trash at. Volleyball? Softball? You also have to be completely ass at those, right? Is that a trans person’s fault, too?

RG: That’s really unfair. I competed collegiately and —

HT: Yeah, we saw. You came in sixth. Woooo, roll out the red carpet for the sixth-place finisher! Did you get a participation trophy, or do you somehow suck too hard for even that?

RG: OK, I think we’re done here.

HT: Oh, did this interview not pan out as you had hoped? Which trans person are you going to blame that on?

RG: Goodbye.

HT: Just so you know, traffic is bumper-to-bumper out there, but we’re still willing to bet it’s crawling by faster than you can swim. Maybe you can complain to the DMV that all the trans drivers are slowing you down. Bye, Riley!

There you have it. She interviews about as well as she swims. We didn’t get an answer to our question, but we can safely assume Riley sucks shit at every other sport she’s ever played. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with politician Nancy Mace to see if she fucking sucks at being a U.S. representative as much as she did at running for governor.

Cheryl Hines Dies From Sepsis After Kissing RFK Jr. On the Lips

Posted on June 30, 2026June 29, 2026 by Brett Olsen

WASHINGTON — A much-needed romantic night out ended in tragedy after Cheryl Hines finally kissed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on the lips, leading to an inevitable, fatal case of sepsis, confirmed sources.

“We’ve been married since 2014, so trust me—we kiss a lot,” a defensive Kennedy began. “There’s just no way that my frothy saliva, always dissolving an assortment of decaying meat-crud from the depths of my gums, could dismantle her immune system. She probably took some rushed vaccine or used a soap that’s too effective when I wasn’t looking. Yeah, that’s it! I mean, we’re both fit, which is why we planned this romantic getaway to begin with—she’s an actress, I’m acting as the Secretary of Health, and we were planning on more than just kisses—sex. We were planning on having sexual intercourse.”

Scott Anderson, their visibly shaken server at a restaurant called Boned Broth, desperately wanted to share his account of what led up to Hines’ passing.

“I should have said something. From the moment I saw what happened in the b-b-bathroom, I should have,” Anderson trailed off, clasping his trembling hands together. “RFK Jr. sat down in a stall. Then came number-two sounds. He never shut his door. I saw everything in the mirror. He didn’t flush, or wipe, or wash his hands. When he realized he had company, he looked right at me and just…started laughing? But it was somehow a howl, too. I never heard anything like it—made the hair on my neck stand up, so I turned and ran. Fight-or-flight response—I really wish I fought for her instead of fleeing like a coward.”

Acting Director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Jay Bhattacharya let out a heavy sigh before pulling out a massive case file once he heard the news.

“This is going to make mad cow disease look like ‘Chicken Little,’” the gruff Bhattacharya meandered while sharpening a large bowie knife. “Since we first crossed paths, that RFK Jr. has been a volatile firecracker begging for a spark. Sounds like he finally met his match. Till death do us part, I suppose. I’m not going to sugarcoat this—whatever RFK Jr. was containing has finally escaped, and there’s no going back. This is humanity’s 9/11.”

At press time, Kennedy gurgled the word “lawyer” while Googling “taxidermy near me.”

Friend Who Says They Don’t Need Therapy Sure Is Talking Your Goddamn Ear Off About Their Problems

Posted on June 30, 2026June 29, 2026 by Kevin Coutu

CHICAGO — Your friend who insists they don’t need therapy, which they describe as self-indulgent bullshit for weak people desperate for validation, sure is talking your goddamn ear off about every problem they have accumulated over their lifetime, sources confirmed Friday.

“I’ve spent entire evenings being held emotionally hostage by this guy after making the mistake of asking how he’s been,” you said. “He’ll start by saying he’s ‘totally fine’ then almost immediately jump into a three-hour monologue about his childhood, exes, and overall inability to feel joy. At one point tonight, I tried to just pause him for a minute by going to the restroom, but he just followed me and kept talking about his parents, recurring anxiety dreams, and the panic attack he had in a CVS parking lot this morning through the door.”

When asked why they won’t just go to therapy, your friend Dave Mays was quick to respond.

“Dude, therapy is fake. I mean, what are you doing, paying somebody to tell you what to do or what a special unique snowflake you are? Come on, just fix your problems yourself like a grown-ass adult,” said Mays, before immediately launching into his fear of abandonment, a detailed account of his parents’ divorce, and a humiliating seventh-grade basketball incident that still keeps him awake at night. “It’s like, do you even have friends? Talk to them, weirdo. Unless, obviously, your problems involve those friends, in which case you can’t really talk to them without potentially damaging the relationship. Man, if only there were some kind of neutral stranger to tell all your problems to, without fear of judgment or reprisal. Kinda sucks that no one has thought of that. But anyway, what was I saying about my crippling fear of intimacy?”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Alicia Rennick said it is very common for people to want to process their emotions more “naturally.”

“Many individuals who reject therapy choose to process their emotions on their own, organically, by coercing friends into providing thousands of dollars worth of unpaid psychological labor every week,” said Rennick. “This type of individual does not want traditional therapy and instead prefers to haphazardly recreate the entire therapeutic process, without confidentiality protections or the freedom to speak honestly, and with significantly more text messages sent after midnight asking if they’re fundamentally broken as human beings.”

At press time, Mays had reportedly started complaining how annoying people who say they have “trauma” are, before wondering aloud whether he sabotages every meaningful relationship in his life because he believes he doesn’t deserve love.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News