Five Goatwhore Songs You Might as Well Check Out Because, Let’s Face It, You’re Not Getting Into Heaven

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Whoa, are you seriously getting ready for church right now? My man, that ship has sailed. There’s absolutely no way God is going to welcome you into His loving bosom for all of eternity. What, you think sitting on a polished wooden pew and staring at an oversized, crucified figurine perched behind some pedophile priest is going to reverse all those drugs you did in your twenties? Fuck it, dude. Why don’t you kick off those uncomfortable shoes and relax to some Goatwhore instead? You’re not going to heaven, so you might as well listen to some killer music while you’re here on Earth.

  1. Perversions of the Ancient Goat

Hell yeah. Goatwhore’s older stuff was more straight-up black metal, as they hadn’t yet evolved into the catchy, blackened thrash we all know and love today. This tune’s got the standard blast beats and Satan-praising shrieks of Norway’s best exemplars of the genre, and it sounds great. Isn’t this so much better than listening to The Newsboys or whatever other bullshit God probably blasts in His boring-ass Kingdom? Welcome to the dark side, my friend.

  1. Silence Marked By the Breaking of Bone

 This 2006 tune has Ben Falgoust growling with that same feral tone we can hear in their newer stuff. Go ahead, try not to bang your head to those driving riffs over the double bass drumming. What are you missing in Mass right now? They’re probably eating those shitty crackers. Why don’t you grab yourself some Blue Heat Takis? There you go. Skipping church fucking rules.

  1. In Legions, I Am Wars of Wrath

These song titles are great. You’re going to be hearing plenty of music like this in hell, so you might as well get used to it. What sort of punishments do you think await you? Having Lucifer’s loyal armies melt your eyeballs with hot pincers won’t be so bad if you can listen to Goatwhore while they do it. Better than chilling in heaven with Pat Robertson by a country mile, for sure.

  1. FBS

You can go ahead and Google what “FBS” means. Subtlety be damned, just like you. Can you believe your parents actually took time out of their day to baptize you? How stupid was that? Anyway, this song is damn catchy, and we hope you’re enjoying it as much as we are.

  1. Voracious Blood Fixation

Goatwhore’s latest shows them still going strong after nearly three decades. This song is awesome, and we’re willing to bet all those posers in heaven have never even heard it. Good thing you’re heading nowhere near there, because it sounds like it fucking sucks up there.

Drummer Accidentally Tosses Snare Into Crowd Instead of Sticks

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOULDER, Colo. — Zach Brinton, drummer of death metal band Putrefying Entrails, accidentally tossed his snare into the crowd instead of his sticks during a show at the Rocket Bar & Lounge, surprised sources report.

“Oh man, what was I thinking?” Brinton wailed as he buried his face in his hands. “We had just played ‘Force-Fed Decaying Human Skin’ as our encore, and I fully intended on tossing my sticks out to the audience, but instead I hefted up my snare drum and shot-putted it off of the stage. I can’t really see what happened because of the lights, but it didn’t sound good. I must’ve hurt someone because medical first responders showed up soon after. The show was going so well up to that point, too. I can’t believe I did that. My bandmates are going to be so pissed at me.”

Audience member Kayla Robinson was taken aback by Brinton’s behavior.

“I definitely was not expecting that,” Robinson said. “I know these guys have a pretty intense reputation, but this takes it to a new level. They used to bring rotting meat from local butchers and toss it into the audience, which was gross, but at least it wasn’t a physical danger to anyone. That girl the snare drum landed on doesn’t look too good, and not to mention it looked like the band’s drummer threw his back out picking it up. I hope they’re still going to be allowed to play in this venue.”

Venue owner Jack Stauffer was dismayed at what he saw.

“Christ, what a nightmare,” Stauffer observed. “I knew I might be making a mistake when I booked these guys, but I really like their music and knew they’d attract a large audience. I’m really regretting this now, though. I bet that snare did a lot of damage to the floor when it came down from the stage, and that girl it landed on might even sue the venue. Maybe she won’t if I offer to comp her drinks and convince the band to give her a free shirt or something. I mean, a concussion and a shattered collarbone isn’t that bad, right? Ugh, and I don’t even want to think about what this is going to do to my insurance rates. Putrefying Entrails won’t be playing here anytime soon, I can tell you that much.”

At press time, the band’s guitarist had accidentally tossed his Marshall speaker cabinet into the crowd instead of his pick.

Feminist Man Asks His Date If She Consents To Cover His Whiskey Cokes

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

DENVER — Fearless ally and feminist Nathan Tully valiantly fought for women’s rights at local Denver brewery Swig n’ Sip when he asked for his date’s consent to cover their six whiskey cokes, reported bar management.

“Thank you for holding space and encouraging me to express myself without judgement,” said Tully while rifling through his New Yorker tote. “Honestly, I wasn’t always a male feminist. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. I have to thank my heroes for that: Sally Ride, Rosa Parks, RBG… I owe them a lot. They inspired me to put in the hard work and analyze the way that I talked to women. I now ask for consent on every facet of life and I haven’t opened a door for a woman in years. I will fight the good fight until the day I die. Nevertheless, he persisted.”

Tully’s date, Emma Gutierrez, expressed appreciation for his progressive approach, noting that he was light years ahead of other men she’s been out with. 

“Nathan created a safe space for both of us,” said Gutierrez. “He flipped the script on gender roles in a way that was actually incredibly masculine. He let my divine femininity shine by letting me take the reins and cover our tab. Sure, I still only make 81 to 83 cents for every dollar he makes, but I love that Nathan isn’t thinking in terms of my lived reality. He’s imagining a brighter future and living it today. You know, I wasn’t sure what to expect from another medium ugly guy in an A24 shirt, but he really surprised me.”

Brown University Women’s History Professor Talia Kern celebrated Tully’s open-mindedness.

“I’m happy to hear that Mr. Tully is using his privilege for good and not relying on performative masculinity to manipulate his image,” said Kern. “I’m hopeful that other men will be inspired by his actions and ask for consent in more areas of life. This approach could have a largely positive impact on the male loneliness epidemic. At this rate, who knows? We might even see a decline in mass shootings!”

Reports indicate that two weeks following their first date, Gutierrez gave Tully her consent to ghost her.

Opinion: We Need To Destigmatize Pistol Whipping Randos in Laser Tag

Posted on by Max Astle

In these contentious times, it is nice that we can all at least agree on what the two ultimate best things in life are: winning and laser tag.

Why then, in 2026, are we still shaming people for giving a shit and trying hard at laser tag venues across the globe?

If this were paintball or airsoft that we were talking about, I’d be 100% on board for shaming the sweats. Those guys are nerds and sickos. But we are talking laser tag: the greatest combat sport ever invented. Let the men be men!

The stink eye I get from the depressed teenager working the front desk when I bring my own custom laser SMG and ask to hook it up to the house system before the game is bad enough. I do NOT need to hear bullshit about how I’m “taking it too far” from concerned parents after I do what I need to do to secure a victory (which, in this case, was pistol-whipping a kid hard in the face when he came too close to capturing our flag).

When I full-sprinted out of the arena, skin bright red and glistening with sweat, to check my score on the monitor, I expected to be greeted with a champion’s welcome. Cheers. First bumps. People telling me that I am their hero and asking me if I am single (I am).

Instead, I have to deal with these losers looking aghast at me as if I just killed someone, or worse, lost? That is not the kind of energy I need on Medieval Monday at Laser Lair when I’m trying to be my best, most authentic self. That isn’t the energy that any true laser-head ever needs.

I don’t care that I “ruined your birthday and maybe permanently damaged your vision”, Timmy. Some of us are trying to go pro. Grow up! Seven years old is plenty old enough to take important things seriously.

I just think it is time that we, as a society, normalize trying hard. Don’t we want people to be passionate? Don’t we want to encourage people working hard to achieve their dreams? Don’t we want the next generation to grow up resilient and hardened, with a good sense of situational awareness?

I, for one, will continue to be an exemplar of hard work and commitment in laser tag arenas across the nation. (Or at least in the 16 remaining states whose arenas I have not been perma-banned from).

Imagine Dragons Tap the Wiggles and Raffi To Open on Upcoming Tour 

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Imagine Dragons announced their upcoming nationwide tour would include supporting acts featuring the Wiggles and legendary children’s singer Raffi, tour management has confirmed.

“We just wanted an authentic, epic experience for our fanbase, and we thought of no better opening acts than the Wiggles and Raffi. Honestly we’ve wanted to do a tour like this ever since we opened for ‘Sesame Street Live’ early in our career. It feels like we’ve come full circle,” said lead singer Dan Reynolds. “I don’t want to give away too many surprises about their participation, but let’s just say you might see us all on stage during the encore for ‘Believer’ and a new song we’ve been working on about brushing your teeth.”

Legendary children’s singer Raffi was looking forward to touring again, albeit with a few reservations.

“The members of the Wiggles and I mulled it over before accepting the offer, because frankly we could just go on tour ourselves and make just as much money. But when’s the next time I’ll be able to play ‘Banana Phone’ in front of 20,000 people?” said Raffi. “Not going to lie, I thought Imagine Dragons just made commercials but it turns out we have the exact same fan demographic. They are supposed to be making songs for preschoolers, right? I hope they don’t think the Wiggles and I are going to be all buddy-buddy with them, because at the end of the day these guys aren’t even close to being in our league.”

Imagine Dragons’ tour manager Brad Lorenzo was just glad he found someone to open.

“Thank the fucking lord they signed on to open. The Danny Go! folks laughed and hung up on me, and Christian Jacobs from Aquabats flat out told me Imagine Dragons was too immature, whatever that means,” said Lorenzo. “You have no idea how hard it is to book an arena tour where alcohol sales are going to be non-existent, so I’m hedging my bets on the legacy of Wiggles and Raffi to join to get these seats filled. Let’s just hope the marketing team’s plan to give away discounted tickets at Gymboree pays off.”

As of press time, the tour has been postponed after Raffi refused to work with Reynolds after his claim Imagine Dragons was bigger than Sharon, Lois, and Bram.

Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito

Posted on by Billy Patterson

ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s classic 17-minute-long rock song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” before diving into his lunchtime burrito, ravenous sources confirmed.

“When you’re broadcasting for hours at a time sometimes you just need a break,” said McGibbon, dabbing at a blotch of sour cream on his chin with a paper napkin. “I have the 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. midday slot, so eating lunch is always a challenge. But I’ve got a list of long songs I can play, depending on what I’m eating. Salads are easy, since I can eat the first half during, say, ‘November Rain,’ then do a quick station ID, then finish it during ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again.’ But for something messier like a burrito or a meatball sub, I need to be a lot more hands-off in my broadcasting. That’s where prog rock is a godsend.”

Longtime listener of the station Sarah Segura says she can often recognize when McGibbon plays a tune to buy time.

“I’ve been listening to Mustang for a while now, so when I hear him throw on a super long track around 12:30 or 1 p.m., I know he’s chowing down on a big sandwich,” said Segura. “Shorter tracks like ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ or ‘Born to Run’ are just long enough for him to take a piss– you can hear the relaxation in his voice when he rushes back to the microphone– but for a meal, he needs longer. Sometimes if it’s getting late in the afternoon and I can tell he’s getting hungry, I’ll call in and request side two of ‘The Dark Side of the Moon’ just so he can have time to squeeze in a meal.” 

Ronnie Kunkel, a sound engineer present at the 1968 recording of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,’ recalls that the band intended to create a lengthy song that would provide relief for radio DJs.

“Back in the ‘60s, most songs were kept pretty short, the thinking being that a short song would be more ‘radio-friendly’ and be played more often,” Kunkel mused. “But Iron Butterfly, they had a different idea. They realized that these radio DJs were stuck at their chairs, sorting through stacks of vinyl and talking on the mic for hours on end. They were dying for a song long enough to give them a chance to step away to grab a coffee, or eat a snack, or chat up the office receptionist. So when ‘In-A-Gadda’ came out, it was an instant hit. We had fan mail from DJs all over the country coming in, thanking us for the song and saying that their prayers had been answered.”

At press time, a satisfied McGibbon put on Pink Floyd’s 23-minute track “Echoes” as he prepared for his post-lunch nap.

So-Called January 6 Patriot Yet To Be Rearrested for Soliciting a Minor

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

TOLEDO, Ohio — Dale Fistler, local participant at the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill, has been rearrested for disorderly conduct, trespassing and public drunkenness but, according to sources, the so-called “patriot” has yet to be rearrested for soliciting a minor.

“Long before Dale stormed the Capitol, he tried to infiltrate my 6th grade sleepover birthday party,” said Dawn Ellis, Fistler’s now estranged sister. “At the time, I thought he was just being an annoying older brother, but looking back, it’s pretty clear he was attempting to groom my friends Tanya and Caitlyn. I haven’t spoken to Dale since my husband escorted him out of our daughter’s 8th grade graduation party after Dale berated anyone who would listen about how the age-of-consent laws are fueling western civilization’s masculinity crisis. Every time I see another news story about a pardoned J6er getting rearrested for harrassing teen girls or grooming minors, I presume it’s gonna be my dumbass brother.”

Fistler blasted his sister and everyone else in his life who has suggested he seems like just the type of MAGA devotee who would get himself rearrested on charges of possessing child pornography or some other sex crime involving minors. 

“I swear, whether it’s my probation officer, my sister or even some of the guys I work with at the gun range, everybody’s drunk on the woke kool-aid,” said Fistler before gloating about smearing feces on the door of the Capitol women’s restroom closest to then Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi’s office. “I wasn’t loitering in the local high school’s parking lot to hit on teenaged chicks; I was there to recruit fellow patriots to start a new chapter of Turning Point USA. And yeah, I let them know if the libtards running the school won’t let them host meetings on school grounds, they could hold them at my place, which would simply be my way of honoring the legacy of Charlie Kirk and not some inappropriate ploy to get teen girls in my apartment. But hey, bonus if teenage girls do show up, right?”

Political science professor Joel Nelson, who studies the criminality of pardoned insurrectionists, suggested that Fistler ticks several red flag warning boxes.

“We’re seeing an alarming trend,” Nelson noted. “Other J6ers who’ve been rearrested for harassing or assaulting minors displayed a sudden obsession with differentiating between pedophiles and ephebophiles and manically sharing clips of Megyn Kelly diminishing the criminality of ephebophiles because they’re just guys like Jeffrey Epstein who are attracted to 15-year-old girls who could be mistaken for being almost barely legal.”

At press time, Fistler was rearrested for threatening school board members for refusing to admit they’d mandated kitty litter boxes in girls’ bathrooms, a charge surprisingly unrelated to stalking or harassing minors.  

Opinion: I’ll Say What We’re All Thinking: It’s Time To Privatize the Fire Department

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Greetings peons! The time has come once again for us to talk about the taxpayer’s wasted dollar! As a concerned citizen and triple entrepreneur (gym membership sales, Bitcoin mining, and writing AI self-help books), I know the value of a dollar. Believe me, I’ve lost a lot of them, and it hurts. You know, we as residents of this fair city are entitled to the best. Are we not? If you needed an operation and had the choice between springing for a ten-thousand-dollar surgeon or paying a hundred dollars for some bum from the slums, I’m betting you wouldn’t pick the bum. 

Why then is it so foolish to suggest charging people a little bit more for basic public goods? Why is it that it’s so foolish to suggest privatizing the fire department?

I mean, we’re already so spoiled. Our tap water comes out when we want it to, and it’s almost always the right color. Our streets are paved with asphalt, not dirt. And our toilets carry our stool away without complaint. But we don’t get these things for free. And if you’re willing and able to pay a little more money, you can get a toilet that also has a bidet to give you a nice little spritz around the bum-bum region. You’re telling me it’s so stupid that we should be able to pay more to have the fire department prioritize us?

There’s a lot of good that’ll come of this. Sure, my plans to militarize the police and corporatize the military have thus far been met by mocking laughter. You say “the police don’t need bazookas at traffic stops.” “The military shouldn’t be owned by Amazon.com,” you cry. But my pay-per-gallon hose is both cost-effective and a great way to save water and silence snotty environmentalists. 

Look, I can hear the whining. Oh, it’s not fair. Oh, it’s wrong. Oh, this plan would allow the homes and businesses of the less fortunate to be reduced to ash while prioritizing the property of the wealthy. To which I say: Yes. But that’s not a bad thing. For one thing, the wealthy are creators of jobs and housing. If they have housing and jobs, it’s easier for them to create it for the people who lost everything in the fire. You wouldn’t ask the man who’s lost his life raft to throw you a preserver. That’s just bad business.

Plus, some buildings are old and ugly. If people can’t pay to save them from destruction, then there’s probably a reason for it. Get rid of those awful pre-war eyesores and put up some condos. Which, by the way, my uncle’s construction company makes. 

I’ve thought a lot about this! Each night, I watch my favorite erotic film — RoboCop — and rub my greasy little pepperoni nipples. And when they’re nice and pointy, I get to thinking. Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle! Because after all, if a wildebeest can’t afford an armed guard with an AK-47, it deserves to be eaten by lions. 

Drummer’s Yearbook Photo Obscured by Guitarist and Half a Keyboard

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Local student at Pardo High School and drummer Grey Martin was noticeably missing in the majority of their yearbook photo, which predominantly featured members of their hardcore/finger-crust band, Crambulate, confirmed sources. 

“It comes with the territory,” said Martin, who comes from a long line of drummers they have never fully seen and was reportedly feeling “unsurprised” by how the picture turned out. “Whether in the back of the orchestra, in the corner of a cramped dive, or even at a bris there’s always some other musician or rabbi between me and the camera. My drivers license photo is somehow mostly David Lee Roth. I’m used to it now, but it wasn’t always like this, I was always heavily acknowledged and highly regarded until I took the throne. Since then, my visibility has plummeted.”

Crambulate guitar Mack Rivers didn’t really see an issue with the yearbook photo.

“I think it turned out pretty well,” said Rivers. “I like how my hair looks, the light caught my tele just right, and you can tell I’m really getting my shred on. Honestly, one of the best pictures of Grey I’ve seen. As a lead axe-man, it’s my job to use my mobility on stage and in life to stand tall for those who must sit, and I can’t let that allyship go unacknowledged. The challenge is getting in frame from every angle. There are no craftier photogs to outsmart than a drummer’s friends and family. Luckily there aren’t many of either.”

John Jason, the freelance photographer hired for the picture day, attests that documenting drummers has proved “historically difficult.” 

“I’ve been around and I’ve got ‘em all. Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, I even got a nice action shot of Jeff Magnum getting curb-stomped by a geologist from Animal Collective,” said Jason. “But drummers just never seem to develop quite right. Never been able to get one in a shot alone. Even with Grey, I cleared the entire room, drew the blinds, hung up garlic, and still I only got like an elbow and a hairline.”

At press time, Pardo High School has since announced that, going forward, yearbook club will offer “out of focus rhythm section” as a background option along with green lasers and blue fade.

Thoughtful Gym-Goer Wipes Equipment Down Until Nothing Left

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

LANSING, Mich. — After wrapping up a set of press exercises, local gym-goer Dan Chambers set to work wiping away the sweat and general body residue he’d left behind on the equipment until nothing was remaining of the machine at all, confirmed sources.

“It’s just the polite thing to do. You get your workout in, then, before someone else has to climb onto the seated row machine and feel your nasty sweat on their body, you just wipe the thing down until it’s all gone,” said Chambers, whose workout regimen has completely bankrupted a number of gyms in the area. “Start with the bench—wiping that completely away with a gym towel’s gonna take 10, 15 days of uninterrupted back-and-forth wiping, which the next user will very much appreciate. Then, move onto the back rest—now, those things generally aren’t just foam anymore, they’re often a molded plastic beneath a leather pad. To wipe them until they’re nothing at all, well, you’re gonna have to put your life on hold for a beat, but the future user will thank you for your effort when there’s a clean pile of equipment particulate for them to try to use.”

Other clients at Chambers’ gym, while appreciative of his sentiment, aren’t too pleased to have him destroying the equipment they’d also like to use.

“There’s considerate, and then there’s what Dan Chambers is doing,” explained Carolina Ramirez, another gym-goer. “Yes, your nasty post-workout body residue should be wiped off of the machine when you’re done, that’s a no-brainer. But if you’re wiping until you’ve eroded a bench press, you’ve gone too far.”

Cleaning equipment when you’ve finished with it is a long-established gym standard, but the extremes Chambers go to are unlike any even Shannon Chi, who owns the gym he works out at, has ever seen.

“This gym runs on two things: membership fees and the culture. Now, unfortunately, some members take that culture—which, at its best, is professional, if a little competitive—it’s a gym, people are working their adrenaline—too far,” explained Chi. “Dan has now reduced a chest press, two lateral raises, and a leg extension to nothing but a mound of metal shavings and leather dust. We’re temporarily closing until we can replace everything he’s wiped into oblivion.”

At press time, Chambers was seen taking a floor buffer to a palm print he’d left on the gym door when entered to workout.

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