Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!

Posted on by Eric Navarro

No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!

My real soccer mommy left to go shopping at a thrift store and she never came back.

My real soccer mommy is way cooler than you. She rides a skateboard and not even that well because she’s too cool. You try so hard to bond with me and it’s lame. You’ll never be the emotionally distant, indie singer-songwriter that my real soccer mommy is.

When you order me to do chores, brush my teeth, and finish my homework, I ignore the hypnotic hum of your mumbly croon. Because you’re not my real soccer mommy and you never will be. So stop trying because it’s not cool. And not in the intentionally uncool way that’s actually really cool. I don’t wanna be your dog!

I know that you think years from now I’ll look back on my behavior and apologize. I bet you think if you keep singing that same old song about inadequacy and depression that one day I’ll grow to see you as the supportive figure you’re trying to be. But I’m not ready to let go of the pain caused by losing my real soccer mommy. She’ll be back, I know it. Just as soon as young girls stop relating to depressing lyrics about self-esteem issues. Oh, wait. Shit.

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Sadistic Gildan Executive Adds Third Extra Scratchy Tag to T-Shirts

Posted on by Dave McNamara

MONTREAL – President, CEO, and co-founder of Gildan Athletic Wear, Glenn Chamandy, recently made the controversial decision to include a third extra scratchy tag to the brand’s already despised line of t-shirts, annoyed consumers from across the globe confirmed.

“The decision is totally in line with Gildan’s corporate mission and philosophy to provide the least aesthetically pleasing, most uncomfortable garments that are legal to sell as clothing,” said Chamandy from his penthouse office at Gildan Headquarters. “The best part is that the new tag only displays information about how flammable the tag itself is, which is very, very flammable. Much more so than the original two. We had scientists from around the world come together to make a tag so annoying that it drove four of our shirt testers insane. It’s also impervious to scissors, so don’t even try to cut it off.”

Ronnie Dobbs, an avid concertgoer, will no longer buy merch if printed on Gildan t-shirts.

“The last Gildan shirt I bought was at a High On Fire show and that was the last straw,” Dobbs said. “I put it on at home and it was somehow wider in the chest than it was at the bottom, which barely made it past my belly button. I had to go to a dermatologist to look at the rash I got from that new tag they use too. It’s bad enough bands are charging 45 bucks for shirts now, the least they could do is not print them on what feels like recycled burlap.”

Fashion expert Martina Jordan weighed in on Gildan’s use of low-grade materials in clothing manufacturing.

“One of the most fundamental considerations in fashion is the way a piece of clothing fits on a body, so it is crucial to find clothes that accentuate your specific dimensions,” said Jordan. “They also need to feel good while wearing. This will give you not only comfort but confidence too. However, these shirts from Gildan do absolutely none of those things. And the excess tags are just an insult. The only thing I would dress in one of these is a gaping wound, and that’s only if I couldn’t find any gauze first.”

At press time, Chamandy announced that all future t-shirts will use a new hybrid acrylic/polyester blend called acrylyester, which combines the most uncomfortable elements from both fabrics.

Guy Revisiting Band With Open Mind Has Hatred Reaffirmed After 10 Seconds

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WASHINGTON — Avid music fan Philip Moore felt it was time to give a band he always hated another chance to win him over but instead was quickly reminded why he didn’t like them in the first place, sources confirmed.

“I’ve always hated Mount Moon,” Moore said while flipping his Black Sabbath LP to side B. “I kept reading rave reviews of their new record from people I actually respect, so I decided to give it a shot. Also, I think the older I get, the more of a mature approach to music I have. But boy, that didn’t last long. Once I heard 10 seconds of their weird, droning bullshit, I tapped out. And immediately blocked anyone who ever told me this band was good. This was like audio dysentery. You’d have to be a total poser to get into that shit. No thank you.”

Mount Moon frontman Kyle West weighed in on the apprehensive nature of some of their listeners.

“This sort of thing seems to happen all the time with us. People are either die-hard fans and love to tell us we rule, people hate us and love to tell us we suck, or people hate us at first, then give us a chance, then hate us still,” West explained. “I suppose a chess-themed droning prog rock band being lumped in with the metal crowd is a recipe for disaster, but we think we hold our own within the scene, despite the abundance of childish name calling. ”

Spotify executive Ronald Edwards explained the visible trends second chance listeners set using their platform.

“You would be surprised at how traceable these second chance listens are,” said Edwards. “This happens to a lot of bands, particularly super hyped bands like Deafheaven or Turnstile that blend together more than one genre. A new record drops, listens skyrocket. A few weeks later, listens drop off….then shoot back up again….then crash and burn. Those ‘crash and burn’ trends are basically the listeners who are saying, ‘Yeah, I shouldn’t have wasted my time, goddamnit.’ But either way, a listen is a listen to us, so we don’t give a shit.”

At press time, Moore was seen putting on that Blaze Bayley era Iron Maiden record he hadn’t heard in a while to give it a shot.

Not Today, Satan, but if I Move Some Things Around I Can Make Next Tuesday Work

Posted on by Brad Skafish

I tell ya, Satan, these days it feels like there’s never enough time. I work long hours, I try to stay fit, and I have a thriving social life, so squeezing in an audience with the Dark Lord on such short notice feels like an impossible task. Sorry, how ’bout next Tuesday?

Yes, I did get your text asking if we could hang out tonight. Thanks for the offer but my schedule is hellish. I’ve got a pilates class, I’m picking the kids up from soccer, and if there’s still time, I promised my friend Troy I’d try to catch his open-mic set. So not today, Lucifer. But maybe tomorrow. No, wait. Shit, that’s not gonna work either. I’ve got book club after work. And that reminds me I’m still only on chapter twelve so I guess that means I’m not making it to Troy’s thing tonight after all. How about Tuesday? Assuming I can move some things around.

Tuesday’s no good? Here’s a thought, your Unholiness. Sunday night I have softball league but we’re always short a couple of guys, so maybe you could fill in?

You’d prefer Saturday? I was planning to volunteer at the soup kitchen that night plus I have a haircut appointment, but I suppose those plans aren’t set in stone. My buddy Mike would probably switch me volunteer nights and I can see if Gina can move my appointment back to later in the week. Yeah, this might actually work, my evil amigo!

Alright, Antichrist. We’ll plan to meet up Tuesday night at my place at 7:00. Oh, you’d prefer 7:06 precisely? Why? Okay, yeah, that is kind of like 6:66. I see what you did there. Very clever.

Anyway, I’ll see you then, you winged infernal serpent. Weather permitting.

10 Cocktails and the Musicians We’d Fight After Drinking Them

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Some people pair outfits and accessories or wine and cheese, but my specialty is pairing well-crafted cocktails with pants-shitting anger and toxic self-righteousness. Sometimes, normal, everyday strangers at my neighborhood bar or at the waiting room of my son’s speech therapist are the canvases on which I paint, but I deserve more than to continue beating up nobodies. So I’m going to pair intoxicants with the famous musicians I’d beat senselessly after drinking it. Salut!

Jäger bombs and Hatebreed

Hatebreed’s Jamey Jasta has inspired me to be a physically-violent Jägermeister enthusiast since Hatebreed was an Ozzfest side stage act in 2001. When I order a shot glass of Jäger dropped into a nearly-full pint of beer after dinner, I feel strong enough to challenge the master to an MMA-sanctioned event. And in a way, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how he’d want it.

Long Island Iced Tea and No Doubt

After drinking a Long Island, I’m fighting all four members of No Doubt for two simple reasons:

  1. Women should be treated equally–which means I’m willing to destroy Gwen Stefani with my feminist fists in the name of equal rights
  2. Every dude in that band probably voted for Biden instead of writing in a semi-obscure, wildly-unpopular choice for president, which means I’m going to have to give them the lecture on why “Blue No Matter Who” is a weight on the chest of leftist politics while simultaneously breaking all their teeth

Red Bull & Vodka and Bon Iver

Bon Iver’s sad vagabond bloop-blorp guitar music makes me sad, but Red Bull and Tito’s gets me HYPE. And when I’m in that zone, I’m absolutely positive I don’t want to hear about how he met Emma in a blood bank unless they’re gonna rob it or fuck each other while covered in a desperate grad student’s recent plasma donation. This guy’s music combined with the up and down of a liquor-infused energy cocktail makes me actively reject every emotion except homicidal rage.

Mai Tais and MC Hammer

I can’t touch this? You wanna bet, Hammer?! After I finish this ridiculously alcoholic drink that was created with the explicit goal of getting the drinker absolutely shit-housed, we’ll see who’s 2 Legit 2 Quit! You think the sound of my daughter crying, “Please, don’t hurt ‘em!” will stop me, old man?!

Bloody Marys and Maroon 5

A Bloody Mary used to be a chance for motorcyclists and professional gamblers to get some vitamins while coming dangerously close to acknowledging that lifestyle and most artistic preferences are performative human constructs. And that’s exactly why I’d knock Adam Levine’s ass out after eating the pound of pickled bullshit that comes with this damn thing. I have to punch him or else I’ll be forced to confront some of my innermost thoughts and desires, like… maybe I actually enjoy some Maroon 5 songs?

Moscow Mules and Phish

I love a Moscow Mule because it’s simple, light, and a little bit spicy if you spring for the good ginger beer. If you have eyes and ears, you already know that Trey Anastasio and his jam band Phish suck total ass no matter how many times your CPA brother-in-law has seen them play their dumbass long songs in some cow field or whatever. Moscow Mules make me want to party, but Anastasio’s band makes me want to feed a knuckle sandwich to these chronic guitar noodlers.

Mimosas and Elton John

There could be nothing better than sipping lavender-infused mimosas and then absolutely rocking Elton John right in his giant fucking head. I don’t have anything against him per se, but he looks like the kind of guy that would pay my bill with his “Rocket Man” money like some kind of rich bastard just because I’m ‘being too loud and making everyone feel uncomfortable’ or whatever. Fuck Saturdays. You know when else is alright for fighting, Sir Elton? Right here, right now on this idyllic restaurant patio if you think paying for a cocktail and some eggs will shut me up, Mr. Candle in the Wind!

6 Glugs of Everclear From a Plastic Bottle Driving the Back Roads Home from the Bar and Sturgill Simpson

When I’m guzzling Everclear, it means I’m listening to country music and driving the long way home because there’s an intervention waiting for me in the kitchen. Turtles?! All the way down?! Sturgill Simpson is the only guy who can make sad music sound smart which makes me want to slap the back of his neck and run away like an incoherent ape-man that definitely doesn’t have a drinking problem.

Bottle of Electric Melon MD 20/20 and Run the Jewels

Mad Dog isn’t technically a cocktail until you pour it into a glass, but after a few glass bottles of fortified wine, you get the urge to sucker punch a guy and his best friend even though they’re universally loved. Orange Jubilee tastes just like orange juice you found in the toilet, so why wouldn’t you want to ring the bell and take on Killer Mike and El-P before eventually passing out on the sidewalk?

Morgan Dew and Pit Bull

Sometimes you need the tangy citrus burn of a Mountain Dew and whatever liquor is within arm’s reach, and often, I find that the handle of Captain Morgan I keep in the bathroom is just what the doctor ordered. Morgan Dew is the kind of drink you have at a party, and Pit Bull is the kind of guy I would fight at a party because I don’t like the playful, slightly flirtatious conversation he’s having with my first ex-wife even though she divorced me for cheating nine years ago. Afterward, I bet we’d have a drink together. He seems like a good dude that way.

Couple Decides to Break Up After Independently Cutting Bangs, Shaving Beard on Same Day

Posted on by Peter Woods

MUNCIE, Ind. — Romantic partners Louise Keller and Ty Walsh announced that they are breaking up after Walsh shaved his beard and Keller cut her bangs on the same day, according to a joint social media post made earlier today.

“This whole thing has really taken us by surprise. If we had coordinated this beforehand then maybe we could have survived, but our new looks did not vibe” said Keller. “I really thought that it was just me living in an existential nightmare on a day-to-day basis, one where getting out of bed and facing the person I was deciding to spend my life with felt like punishment far more extreme than any physical pain could ever feel. I figured I would just deal with it like an adult by cutting one centimeter off the front of my hair. But when Ty walked out of the bathroom clean-shaven, I knew it was over.”

For those close to Keller and Walsh, the news did not come as a surprise.

“We all knew that they were on the rocks for a while. They were hanging on by a thread, and this slight change in physical appearance was just too much,” said Claudio Rojas, Walsh’s barber. “Every single month, the dude would walk in here and complain about his girlfriend from the moment he sat down to when he paid. I tried telling him to go to couple’s therapy, because I’m not actually a therapist, but he never seemed to care.”

“When he came in last time, said nothing, and just asked in a super cold tone if I do straight razor shaves, I knew it was too late,” added Rojas.

After the news became public, fans of Keller and Walsh’s relationship blamed the increasingly easy access to at-home hair and beard styling products for the breakup.

“This happens all the time and we have to keep telling people: it’s not our fault,” said Raquel Downs, a spokesperson for the hair trimmer appliance company Oster Pro. “In every relationship that ends this way, there are always deeper rooted issues and we’re always just the messenger. And I know that people keep saying that our new slogan, ‘Trim Everything Out of Your Life, Not Just Hair,’ paints a different picture, but that’s just a coincidence.”

According to sources close to both individuals, both Keller and Walsh seem to be ready to move on with each of them using dating apps and both were recently reported to be trimming their pubes again.

Punk’s “Good” Tooth Still Worst Thing Dentist Has Ever Seen

Posted on by Doug Kolic

PENSACOLA, Fla. – Local dentist Noah Dunaway expressed utter disgust recently after examining what long-time punk patient Skyler Thompson kept referring to as his “good” tooth, confirmed sources close to the veteran oral health care professional.

“I’ve seen millions of teeth over my thirty-year career, but nothing prepared me for the horror I witnessed that day,” stated a still visibly shaken Dr. Dunaway. “When that young man finally came back to see us after his last visit five years ago, he kept referring to this one ‘good’ tooth, but all I saw was unimaginable rot and decay that was so vile it took years off of my life. It’s easily the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I volunteer at the local zoo where I’ve done dental surgery on all sorts of animals from possums to jackals, but his tooth still keeps me up at night.”

When hearing how his dentist described the state of his oral health, Thompson wanted to set the record straight.

“There’s nothing wrong with that tooth. Sure, some of the other surrounding it may be past their ‘best before’ dates, but this front one is still perfectly fine, so maybe the dentist needs a new pair of glasses or something,” said Thompson as he was wiping a greenish pus from the tooth. “I bet he’s pissy that I haven’t come in for an appointment in a while and he just wants to shame me for not flossing. I have more important things to do with my time, I can’t be changed to a sink brushing my days away like a mindless drone.”
Renowned physician on punk healthcare Dr. Roberta Bellagia, described how this subset of society often see their health through rose-colored glasses.

“It’s not unusual for people living the punk lifestyle to see their own health in distorted ways as a coping mechanism for their wretched existence,” explained Dr. Bellagia. “By pretending a problem isn’t as bad as it is, they’re telling themselves that they don’t have to try to fix anything when in reality they should be doing everything conceivably possible to immediately change every aspect of their lives before it’s too late. Either that or they’re just way too fucking drunk and high all the time to give a shit about their bodies or if they die.”

At press time, Thompson was seen watching online videos to help diagnose a prolonged stabbing pain emanating from his one “good” kidney.

Homeless Man’s Dog Notably More Well Behaved Than Yours

Posted on by Matt McInerney

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local dog owner Zachary Townsend reportedly couldn’t help but notice how well behaved the unleashed dog he spotted wandering alongside a homeless man was, sources tired of hearing about it confirmed.

“I just want to know how he pulls it off. That dog was right by his side, following him stride for stride,” Townsend explained. “I’ve tried everything with my dog, Birdie, to get her to walk peacefully next to me on a leash. We’ve been to dog classes. We’ve hired trainers to come to our house and teach her. We’ve even tried a dog therapist. I wonder if this wandering man is one of these ‘dog whisperers’ I’ve heard about on TV. Do you think maybe he does classes?”

Experienced dog handler in question, Sky Thomas and his dog Applejack were passing through town, looking for a nearby bus stop.

“Applejack is my trusty sidekick. I found him in a dumpster behind a Bojangles. I fed him half a stale biscuit, and he’s been following me around ever since,” he explained. “Trained? Naw, I can’t afford anything like that. But he will climb into my backpack when I whistle. He taught himself that one.”

Birdie, Townsend’s dog, is sick of this ‘well-behaved dog’ praise at home.

“Who the fuck said I’m not ‘well behaved?’ I do everything for that man. I protect him from even the slightest sign of danger: small clumsy humans, the giant robotic arm monster that steals our blue bin treasures every Thursday, and of course, the mailman,” Birdie explained, while licking her vagina in front of several houseguests. “I basically have to tear my head off on walks to drag him away from peril. Sometimes he stubbornly won’t move, and I’m forced to lunge at our enemies as they walk by. I really don’t know what that idiot would do without me.”

At press time, Applejack was seen pulling a blanket over Thomas as he fell asleep on the long bus ride, while Birdie shredded a $36 throw pillow at home.

We Need a Disney Princess Who Is White From a Small Provincial Town Who Falls in Love With a Beast Man

Posted on by Dan Rice

Once the vanguard of gender norms and racial stereotypes, Disney has gone through a lot of trouble to make the public perceive its brand to be progressive and inclusive. I say “perceive” because, until Disney shows they are brave enough to release a movie about a charming white girl from a quaint little town who heals a monster-person with the power of love, it’s all just performative bullshit.

Disney’s bread & butter has always been taking pre-existing stories and retelling them with their trademark magic. By omitting this tale as old as time from their cannon, Disney is making a statement to weird girls who read books and fall in love with their anthropomorphic captors everywhere, and that message is “Hey, you’re not that important!”

Sometimes I look at the young woman in my town dancing and singing through the streets every morning and I feel bad for her. She greets the baker and other townsfolk as she makes her way to the bookstore of which she is the only patron, and I can’t help but think I know exactly what the rest of her life will be like.

First, her bumbling father will run afoul of the hideous beast prince said to inhabit the abandoned castle just outside town, like ya do. Naturally, the young girl will volunteer to take her father’s place as the monster’s prisoner. Soon, with the help of the castle’s enchanted objects that house the souls of those who served the beast in his human life, she will see through his gruff exterior and he will stop being afraid to reveal his warm heart.

They’ll fall in love, much to the chagrin of the town braggart, who desires this young woman’s affections for himself. He will try to slay the beast, but it will be too late as love will have broken the curse and restored the beast into a handsome man. Their wedding will be the biggest and most joyful event the town has ever witnessed and then what? Squat out a few brats and become a homemaker I guess. It’s just sad, and frankly all too common.

If young women involved in prisoner exchanges with magically deformed monarchs saw themselves represented in a Disney movie, I bet more of them would grow up to be president.

I mean to be fair when I think about it, I guess it is technically Beastiality, and the whole story enforces a lot of toxic gender norms. You know what, bad idea, scrap the whole thing.

Fountain of Youth? This Woman Is 42 but Still Gets Paid Like She’s 27!

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Getting older is something every working woman dreads. Now, with age comes experience and with experience often comes higher wages. However, this is just a disgusting dead giveaway that you’ve gotten old. Ew.

But this is not the case for one woman. Meet Stephanie Rowan, a 42-year-old project manager whose adorable little paycheck could easily still pass for a typical 27-year-old. Has she found the fountain of youth? Our sources say yes.

Our low-wage eternal has been working for twelve years at Oliver Marchman Industries, but that tenure has amazingly not aged her one bit when it comes to compensation. Despite strong job performance, she’s managed to keep any creeping salary increases at bay for more than a decade. She was even able to turn back the hands of time on two occasions by being forced to accept pay cuts.

As a result, this forever youngin’ still boasts a pay grade that screams “early-career gal trying to make it in the city by finding free food whenever possible” and definitely not “middle-aged mother of three with a master’s degree and twenty years of industry experience.” Talk about anti-aging goals!

Next, we had to call Rochelle Cleary, associate HR specialist at Oliver Marchman, to learn more. “When I ran my first payroll here and saw how much Stephanie makes, I thought it had to be a mistake,” she recalled. “How could this woman who’s been in the workforce since the George W. Bush presidential administration barely be making more than that other project manager Ryan who literally graduated from college last year?”

Wow! Stephanie is really fooling everyone! We bet she even still gets carded at the liquor store. Especially because she can only afford the cheap vodka with the kind of money she’s making.