Every Green Day Album Ranked

If you’re of a certain age and mindset, you will freely acknowledge that Green Day is the band that got you into punk. Unless you’re one of the revisionist assholes who saw the “Longview” video, went down the punk rock rabbit hole, and within 6 months claimed you had never listened to anything more commercial than Agnostic Front, because you weren’t into sellouts. Here’s the thing though, when Green Day first formed (as Sweet Children in 1986), the idea that a melodic punk band was a route to fame and fortune was absurd because
 well because Green Day hadn’t happened yet. Occasionally success really does reward merit, and as we’ll see below, Green Day’s discography has generally warranted it.

13. ÂĄUno! (2012)

The only truly disappointing Green Day record. 37 songs were recorded in the sessions for “¡Uno!,” “¡Dos!,” and “¡TrĂ©!,” and released within three months of each other as a piecemeal triple album, and frankly, it sounds like it. Lyrics, chord progressions, and themes are recycled from other Green Day songs. Potentially promising tracks like “Let Yourself Go” and “Kill the DJ” are exposed as woefully underwritten, with lyrics that are repetitive or cringy or both. It’s been said about every triple album ever released, but there is a killer single album hiding within “¡Uno!,” “¡Dos!,” and “¡TrĂ©!,” and probably a great double album with the benefit of a little lyrical editing. But stopping at “¡Uno!,” or even “¡Uno!” and “¡Dos!,” would have deprived fans of the hilarity of the gringo-Spanish pun where the third album’s name sort of syncs up with the drummer’s stage name. And that’s the price of comedy, folks.

Play it again: “Stay the Night”
Skip it: “Troublemaker”

12. ÂĄDos! (2012)

What to say about “¡Dos!?” The lowered expectations brought on by “¡Uno!,” released just seven weeks prior, certainly helped, but this installment is more fun and has a certain charm that helps it stand on its own. It has faux British Invasion garage rock vibes, with the band going as far as to call it “the second Foxboro Hot Tubs album” (more on that below). The missteps in the weaker tracks still keep “¡Dos!” from being ranked any higher, with lazy lyricism dragging down musically solid entries such as “Stop When the Red Lights Flash” and “Fuck Time” (yes, that’s a real song title). It’s a bit of a turd by Green Day’s standards, but the rest of us should be so lucky as to drop a ¡dos! this palatable.

Play it again: “Stray Heart”
Skip it: “Makeout Party”

Honorable Mention: Stop Drop and Roll!!! (Foxboro Hot Tubs) (2008)

Foxboro Hot Tubs has been called a side project, but since it includes all of Green Day, plus touring members Jason White, Jason Freese, and Kevin Preston, it’s really more of an alter ego, where Green Day dives into their ‘60s garage rock influences. “Stop Drop and Roll!!!” doesn’t break any new musical ground, but it’s not supposed to. It plays like a half-hour rock’n’roll party where the boys are audibly having a good time. Standout tracks “Mother Mary” and “The Pedestrian” could easily hold their own on a proper Green Day album, and the record succeeds as a cohesive whole. We don’t rank non-canonical albums here at The Hard Times, but if we did, this is where “Stop Drop and Roll!!!” would land. Did I just break the rules?

Play it again: “Mother Mary”
Skip it: “Red Tide”

11. Father of All Motherfuckers (2020)

The “Father of All
” cover depicts the agitprop heart-as-hand-grenade artwork from “American Idiot,” defaced to include the new album title and a vomiting cartoon unicorn. The message seems to be that nobody needs another serious political sermon right now–this world’s on fire, so let’s dance on the ashes. And as it was released weeks before Covid shut down the planet, maybe they were onto something. Stylistically, the album sees the band again revisit the garage feel employed on “¡Dos!” and “Stop Drop and Roll!!!,” with a few glammy touches, and Billie Joe singing complete songs in a falsetto. It’s not their best, it’s not their worst, and it’s not very long, clocking in at 10 songs and 26 minutes total, which is maybe the best part of it all.

Play it again: “Take the Money and Crawl”
Skip it: “I Was a Teenage Teenager”

Honorable Mention: Money Money 2020 (The Network) (2003)

In 2003, Billie Joe offered assistance to a cryptic foreign new wave band called The Network, and ended up being contractually forced to release their debut album, “Money Money 2020,” on his label, Adeline Records. The Network repaid the favor by antagonizing Green Day in the press and hiding behind masks and pseudonyms to conceal their true identities. The feud between the bands persists to this day. Musically, “Money Money 2020” serves up a determined slice of latter day new wave/synthpunk, bolstered by tracks like “Roshambo”, “Transistors Gone Wild”, and the title track. Some might ask why a ranking of Green Day records would include an album by any other band, let alone one embroiled in a decades-long feud with Green Day. It’s a fair question. And not one that we’re going to answer.

Play it again: “Roshambo”
Skip it: “Reto”

10. ¥Tré! (2012)

The ill-fated “¡Uno!/ÂĄDos!/ÂĄTrĂ©!” trilogy concludes a trajectory where each installment slightly improves on its predecessor, meaning that by “¡TrĂ©!,” whichever listeners have actually stuck around get a decent album. “¡TrĂ©!” sounds like the record that logically would have come out after “Warning,” if the guys hadn’t veered into concept albums and formalwear. The cringy missteps are fewer and further between than on ‘¡Uno!” and “¡Dos!,” and the strong entries are fresher and more heartfelt. “Brutal Love” sees Green Day try on Sam Cooke-style crooning with success, “Amanda” hints at early Beatles, and “99 Revolutions” rages against the 1%. But more importantly, we finally get to the big reveal, that the title is not ÂĄTres! but ÂĄTrĂ©!, with a leering TrĂ© Cool on the album cover! You suckers never saw it coming.

Play it again: “99 Revolutions”
Skip it: “Sex, Drugs, & Violence”

Honorable Mention: Money Money 2020 Part II: We Told Ya So! (The Network) (2020)

You can’t say they didn’t warn us. The Network gave 17 years advance notice of dark times to come when they issued “Money Money 2020” way back in 2003. When the titular year itself greeted us with deadly disease, heightened police brutality, and a wannabe-dictator gameshow grifter trying to reclaim the White House, The Network emerged from the shadows to gloat. Containing 25 songs and released just 8 months into Covid-19 isolation, “Money Money 2020 Part II: We Told Ya So!” ranks with the best of real-time commentaries on life during pandemic. References to flat earthers, autocratic con artists, herd immunity, hydroxychloroquine, apocalypse, Elon Musk, and anti-maskers abound. Why do we continue to include bands that aren’t Green Day on this list? Blame the Deep State.

Play it again: “Ivankkka is a Nazi”
Skip it: “Amnesia Vagabond”

9. 21st Century Breakdown (2009)

Green Day shifted their paradigm when they released the critical and commercial smash “American Idiot” in 2004. Then they followed with “21st Century Breakdown,” a second consecutive politically-charged rock opera, which largely feels like “American Idiot Part 2.” Not surprisingly, five songs from “21CB” were included in the Broadway stage adaptation of “American Idiot.” “21st Century Breakdown” features protagonists named Christian and Gloria, and while it pales slightly in direct comparison to its predecessor, it’s a strong entry in the discography when judged on its own merit. Had the two albums come out in reverse order, they likely both would have been hailed as triumphal leaps forward. As it stands, I’m not sure what Christian’s motivation is, I don’t know what drives Gloria, and I have no idea why Will Ferrell performed “East Jesus Nowhere” with the band on SNL in 2009, but I’m here for it all.

Play it again: “Know Your Enemy”
Skip it: “Christian’s Inferno”

8. Revolution Radio (2016)

“Revolution Radio” may sound like the name of a Clash B-side, but it’s actually a Green Day record, and considering it’s the 12th studio album by a band approaching three decades together, “RevRad” still manages to check the right boxes. “Bang Bang,” a gun culture commentary, is as aggressive as anything the band ever released, “Still Breathing” was a mid-tempo radio hit, and “Forever Now” is a bombastic multi-part number with nods to Queen and the Who. The album’s release shortly preceded a World Series win by the Chicago Cubs, a revolutionary feat in itself that was apparently on Billie Joe’s radar. This reviewer knows, because he was in the audience for an Aragon Ballroom album release show the day after the Cubs won the pennant, when Mr. Armstrong declared, “I guess you finally killed that fucking goat!”* *No goats were harmed in the making of this list.

Play it again: “Bang Bang”
Skip it: “Too Dumb to Die”

7. 39/Smooth (1990)

It’s Green Day’s first full length and it slays. You likely know it as ‘1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours,” the CD version that combined the “39/Smooth” LP, the “Slappy” EP, and the “1,000 Hours” EP. “At the Library,” “Going to Pasalacqua,” “The Judge’s Daughter,” and “Paper Lanterns” are absolute classics. That the album came out when Green Day was still on Lookout! Records only adds to the enjoyment. Can we just take this opportunity to give it up for Lookout! in the ‘90s? Operation Ivy, Screeching Weasel, The Queers, Rancid, The Groovie Ghoulies, Pinhead Gunpowder, Crimpshrine, Fifteen, Mr. T Experience, Riverdales, and on and on. Those days were full of hope and excitement, because the music inspired, and also because we were 30 years younger.

Play it again: “Going to Pasalacqua”
Skip it: “1,000 Hours”

6. Kerplunk (1991)

Another Lookout! album, and another banger. TrĂ© Cool had just joined, so this is the first album by the classic Green Day lineup. Billie Joe has called “Kerplunk” his favorite Green Day record; many early fans will agree. For all intents and purposes, this is the album that gave the world Green Day. Sales were huge for an album on a small punk label, leading to a major label frenzy and eventual superstardom. “Kerplunk” includes the original version of “Welcome to Paradise” and if you want to sound cool and edgy, you tell people it’s the superior version. “Kerplunk’s” insert also includes the diary entry of Laurie L., a teenage girl who chopped up her parents so she could go on the road with Green Day. It’s probably fictional, but if your daughter ever asks if she can tour with her favorite band, it’s best not to take any chances.

Play it again: “2000 Light Years Away”
Skip it: “Strangeland”

5. Warning (2000)

“Warning” could have been the dreaded “mature” album, where a band’s effort to show they’ve grown up ditches everything people enjoyed about them in the first place. There’s a little less speed and distortion, and a bit of continued sound experimentation as seen on “Nimrod,” making the album feel more power pop than punk rock, but the whole damn thing just works. Parallel universe Green Day followed “Warning” with the reportedly stolen (and never released) “Cigarettes & Valentines,” put out more albums that sounded vaguely like “¡TrĂ©!,” and faded back into a happy relative obscurity. But in our universe, Billie Joe’s CD changer flipped from the Replacements to Queen, and his wheels started turning.

Play it again: “Church on Sunday”
Skip it: “Jackass”

4. Nimrod (1997)

When a band breaks through, their next album usually aims to show that they can “do it again” – but the album after that tries to prove they can “do something else.” Results can be spectacular (think “London Calling”), or less so (I dunno, “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water,” maybe?). “Nimrod” sees Green Day at that crossroads when their underground days were behind them, and their initial taste of mainstream success was fading. But with fewer expectations and constraints, they threw everything at the wall, and most of it stuck. “Nimrod” features ska-instrumentation (“King for a Day”), instro-surf-rock (“Last Ride In”), variations on hardcore (“Take Back” and “Platypus”), an acoustic smash (“Good Riddance”) and plenty of songs in standard Green Day territory. 25+ years later, the album is rightly viewed as one of their classics.

Play it again: “The Grouch”
Skip it: “Haushinka”

3. Insomniac (1995)

In 1995, Green Day faced cries of “sellout” and the task of following up a massively successful major label debut. They answered by releasing a video for the lead single “Geek Stink Breath” that featured actual footage of a meth addict undergoing a dental extraction. Sonically, “Insomniac” echos “Dookie” with crunchy guitars and hooks galore, yet at the same time skews darker and more pessimistic. The touches of humor from previous albums (like “Dominated Love Slave” and “All By Myself”) are gone, replaced with direct references to scene ostracization (see “86”) and maladjustment (“Armatage Shanks”). The result is another Green Day essential, and did we mention you get to watch a tweaker get his tooth yanked? Who knew lack of sleep could be so invigorating?

Play it again: “Brain Stew/Jaded” (best experienced together)
Skip it: “Tight Wad Hill”

2. American Idiot (2004)

Let’s flashback to the summer of ‘04. You went to see “Dodgeball” on opening night and tried to decide if metrosexual was your vibe. As for Green Day, they had been famous for a decade, but each album since “Dookie” had sold less than the one before. There really wasn’t a blueprint for reclaiming commercial success. So when we heard that they planned a “punk rock opera,” complete with a story arc, multiple 9-minute songs, and characters named St. Jimmy and Jesus of Suburbia, we snickered and thought, “Well, good for them, they gave it a good run.” But instead of a tedious study in niche self-amusement, they delivered a timely critique on post-9/11, Bush-era USA dealing with a skewed version of patriotism set against the Iraq War and so-called War on Terror. “American Idiot” landed hit after hit, ushering in a new era for the band as well as the music-listening public. A record of this caliber lands at #1 on almost any other band’s discography.

Play it again: “Jesus of Suburbia”
Skip it: “Wake Me Up When September Ends” (it was a huge hit, but if I’m being honest about which song I typically skip on this album
)

1. Dookie (1994)

And here we are. Valhalla. But for this album, your humble author may not have been playing music semi-semi-professionally, writing for The Hard Times, or involved in punk in any fashion all these decades later. And for that, a big thank you to Mr. Armstrong, Mr. Dirnt, and Mr. Cool. “Dookie” has insanely catchy hooks, as well as authentic punk edge from high school dropout misfits who left themselves few other career options. It has radio-ready earworms that deal with boredom, masturbation, mental illness, drug use, questioning of one’s sexual orientation, homicidal mania, and good old-fashioned boy-meets-girl love. It’s named after a slang term for shit, and features a cover depicting cartoon monkeys and dogs flinging turds off buildings on Berkeley’s Telegraph Avenue. It may not be the hit album the record industry wanted us to have in 1994, but it’s the hit album we needed. And it’s damn near perfect.

Play it again: the whole thing, but start with “She” – it’s less weathered by decades of radio overplay
Skip it: the 1:16 of CD silence after “F.O.D.” ends, so that you can get to hidden track “All By Myself” faster

We Revisit Woodstock 99 Because Our Uncle Who Peaked Then is Visiting

We weren’t alive during Woodstock 99, but we know a lot about it, all of which we have learned against our will. In fact, between the documentary that came out in 2021, and having an uncle who attended staying in our parent’s spare bedroom for an undetermined amount of time, we’re basically experts on the subject.

They say that history is written by the winners, and if our uncle got to write the school textbook version of Woodstock 99, you’d think that everyone had fun; so much fun, that it’s all they talk about over twenty years later. Sure, thousands of people were essentially stuck there for days without guaranteed access to basic human necessities, but it’s ok because Korn played, and their set was apparently awesome on ecstasy.

Having this guy stay at our house has us feeling just as trapped as the people stuck at Woodstock 99, only we have water and don’t have to listen to Buckcherry. While we are tired of hearing about it, a part of us feels bad. It’s kinda dark knowing that a forty-three-year-old man had the best weekend of his life while covered in literal shit over twenty years ago. But then he’ll come out of the bathroom and say something like “careful, it’s like a Woodstock 99 port-o-potty in there,” and we don’t feel bad anymore.

People died at Woodstock 99. We know this because our uncle allegedly saw a guy die there, which he has brought up at the dinner table almost every night he’s been here. There was also a fire at Woodstock 99, which our uncle allegedly ran naked around. Fortunately, there is no known evidence of this.

He also loves to bring up the “epic” journey of getting to the former air force base that held the infamous event. He talks about it like it was some sort of pilgrimage, but he lived in Utica, which is like 20 minutes away, and our grandma brought him. She picked him and his co-worker up from their jobs at the gas station and dropped them off. They got high before she showed up and kept it a secret from her, which we supposed is an “epic” thing to do if you’re an annoying nineteen-year-old.

If you attended Woodstock 99, we’d like to formally apologize to you on the off-chance you ran into him there. Thankfully, that weekend of debauchery will probably never be recreated. We’re confident in this because our uncle recently came back from Sick New World Fest, which he was disappointed to report was tame and well-organized and nothing like his favorite weekend.

Teen With ADHD Bouncing Legs at Table Has Killer Double Bass Drum Potential

WICHITA, Kan. — Local teenager Denise Draymond’s uncontrollable leg bouncing and foot tapping is catching the attention of multiple people who see potential in her as a talented metal drummer, confirmed multiple somewhat annoyed, but optimistic sources.

“I wasn’t always a loser public school teacher. I used to play guitar in a tech metal band called Infinite Source Generation back in the early 2000s that was getting pretty big but we always had trouble finding a drummer that could keep up,” said geometry teacher Kevin Seiswick. “One day I was explaining how to calculate the radius of a circle and I heard Denise laying down syncopated rhythms with her feet showing little to no effort, she was just sitting there zoning out and I thought to myself this kid is a once-in-a-generational talent, just not in a classroom. She fucking sucks at math.”

Draymond wishes that Seiswick had more enthusiasm in helping her with the math course she is taking in her freshman year.

“Mr. Seiswick is nice, but the guy barely gave me any tips after I bombed the last test. Got a 58 and he didn’t say shit. He just handed me a Cryptopsy CD and talked about this guy named Flo or something. I guess I could play the CD on my Playstation, but I’d rather just play ‘Call of Duty,’” said Draymond as she tapped out a rhythm with her pencils that could fly in a Meshuggah audition. “But I still think I’m on his good side. I catch him headbanging a little whenever I get a little jumpy. Seems like I gotta take my ProCentra right after this class.”

Psychologist Kristen Miller, who diagnosed Draymond with ADHD two years ago, is not surprised by Seiswick’s revelation.

“Kids with learning disabilities can easily thrive in unique settings, in the musical world in particular,” Miller revealed. “Those on the Autism Spectrum, for example, make for the most organized roadies you’ve ever seen in your fucking life. They will coil a cable like you wouldn’t believe. And it wouldn’t surprise me if Mike Patton had Tourette’s, that guy is off the wall. Denise may go far if she can focus enough for a few drum lessons.”

At press time, Seiswick was overheard offering Draymond a B+ for the entire semester if she was willing to meet up in his garage and jam once a week.

Local Maniacs Fight to the Death In Metal Arena to Honor Tina Turner’s Passing

BARTERTOWN, Australia — A group of mostly nude, heavily armed combatants honored the life of legendary singer and actress Tina Turner by fighting each other to the death in the Thunderdome, excited sources confirmed.

“Tina changed my life. It might surprise you to learn I’ve had some issues controlling my anger. But listening to Tina puts me at ease. Her music was the soundtrack to my childhood, and her role in the ‘Mad Max’ franchise made me into the bloodthirsty gladiator that I am today,” said a man known as Bone Stew while wrapping barbed wire around a baseball bat. “I will destroy any man they put in front of me to pay tribute to Queen Tina. And If I die then I look forward to going to Hell where I can beat the fuck out of Ike Turner for all eternity. Rest easy private dancer.”

Thunderdome architect Lyle Pachecko says the structure is more dangerous than ever after years of standing dormant.

“We can’t have any spectators climb on the structure anymore because it’s rusted to shit. The whole thing could collapse if a big enough bird landed on it. Don’t even get me started on the bungee cords we used to have attached to the ceiling. Those things rotted away in the ‘90s,” said Pachecko while throwing old farm equipment into the dome’s killing floor. “A few years back Mel Gibson did stop by to pick up that giant mallet. I had heard he was having some trouble at home so I hid the thing under my porch. He shouldn’t be allowed to have any weapons, the fucking psycho.”

Representatives from the Turner estate say they are supportive of the deadly battle.

“Tina would have loved this. After she filmed her part in ‘Beyond Thunderdome’ she would travel the world to watch underground death matches. She believed it was ‘the only honorable combat,’” said Turner’s longtime lawyer Edward Rentalier. “Ms. Turner’s estate is willing to donate three pairs of Tina’s high heels to the winner of the deathmatch. We hope to see lots of broken bones, spilled blood, and maybe even some brains.”

Fans of Turner have also started a campaign to vote for her as a write-in candidate in the next Los Angeles mayoral election as a tribute to her cameo in “Last Action Hero.”

Aerosmith Microphone Stand Can’t Wait to Get Home and Take This Fucking Tie Off

MARSHFIELD, Mass. — The mic stand used by rock legends Aerosmith is reportedly fed up with perpetually having to wear a tie and cannot wait to return home to take it off, embittered inanimate sources confirmed.

“To be honest, I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the rigid corporate dress code I’ve had to follow since joining the ‘Smith. I live for the minute they do that last ‘Dude (Looks Like A Lady)’ encore and can get shuffled backstage to finally loosen this cursed dog leash,” said longtime Aerosmith mic stand Michael Standish. “Look, I didn’t get into the music business to look like I hold up the microphones at TED talks and Correspondents Dinners. I wanna rock just like the aux cords and drum hardware gets to! But living the rock and roll mic stand lifestyle can sometimes where you out.”

Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler reports being at the end of his rope with the microphone stand’s chicanery.

“I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that particular mic stand has had an extremely lax, cavalier attitude ever since the farewell tour was announced. I don’t think it’s any wonder that when I sing ‘Jaded’ each night, I’m singing it directly to him,” said a stern Tyler, from his home office’s desk while lowering his spectacles. “I’ve had half a mind to fire him on the spot for his ambivalence toward our dress code, but he’s just so close to retirement. I just don’t have the heart. I have my eye on him though. Y’know, along with my larger than average mouth.”

Boston tailor Rico Bartellini, who specializes in apparel for microphone stands, worried his business would be hit hard by Aerosmith’s departure.

“Well, between you and me, there isn’t much call for tiny little articles of microphone stand clothing if you can believe it. Aerosmith has been keeping us in business since 1970,” said Bartellini. “At first, we were dismayed to hear that they wouldn’t be touring any more, but shortly after that news, we got a call from an ecstatic-sounding Michael Standish for an order of six dozen xxxxxxx-small Hawaiian shirts. We didn’t even have to use up much material for the order, too. We had a bunch already made and left over from an abandoned collaboration with the mic stands on a recent Jimmy Buffet tour. Sometimes things just work out!”

At press time, Tyler has been seen making the switch to a younger, hungrier, more professional headset mic that is never seen without its teeny little bowtie.

Everything We Know About the Upcoming Ron DeSantis/Elon Musk Twitter Live Chat

At 6:00 p.m. EST Elon Musk will host a live chat with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis via Twitter. DeSantis is expected to announce his candidacy for president during the stream. Here’s what we know so far:

This week the boys are talking cancel culture, the DCU, and the worst diarrhea Elon has ever had

Buckle in, MuskSantians!

No girls allowed!

☠☠☠KEEP OUT!☠☠☠

The chat will be moderated by an AR-15 assault rifle

Participants are urged not to make the moderator feel threatened in any way.

Under DeSantis, Critical Race Theory would be replaced by Supportive White Fantasy

“Did you know that Jimmy Buffet invented peanut butter, heart surgery, and jazz?”

DeSantis is expected to role out amendments to the “Don’t say gay” law

“You can still do it if it’s pejorative.”

The authoritarian conservative nightmare with the potential to deliver the final death blow to democracy as we know it is named “Ron”

Fucking “Ron.”

This is officially a “meet cute”

One is an isolated billionaire, the other a career-driven go-getter with no time for a relationship. Together, they’re about to discover the greatest business venture of all is love.

The wings will get hotter as the chat progresses

Luckily DeSantis always keeps a chuggable bottle of ranch nearby for any time he needs to say “Woke culture is destroying America” through a mouthful of Grizzly Ghost Pepper

DeSantis plans on getting Musk to Finally try weed

It’s shit for productivity but great for blue-skying a fascist oligarchy

DeSantis will use the platform to pressure Disney into giving us more of those “funny ass crows from Dumbo”

“Those boys really bust my gut!”

In response, Disney has already pledged more “teenagers in rainbow shit or whatever.”

Any port in a storm, right?

The chat is expected to devolve into dueling Borat impressions within 5 minutes

“My a-wife-a, she a-no have rights to her body.”

Seriously, NO GIRLS!

☠☠☠ DANGER! KEEP OUT! THIS MEANS YOU!☠☠☠

 

There’s no way DeSantis could win, unless the DNC goes with an extremely out-of-touch and polarizing
 ah, shit.

Again, you guys?!

DeSantis is expected to float potential legislation banning Trans women from dunking on him online

“The fact that they are directly disenfranchised by my bigotry gives them an unnatural advantage when it comes to owning my ass in the comments.”

If elected, a DeSantis White House could see punk reach “American Idiot” levels of shittiness by 2025

Jukebox musicals of the shittiest albums could be expected as soon as January 2026

Here is a photo of Anne Coulter just in case you were still keeping your shit together

Just go ahead and scream. Let it out.

 

 

14 Bands From Texas That Might Be the Only Redeeming Element of That Festering Hell Hole

Texas is the proud home of failing power grids, an ever-expanding system of highways, and idiotic Republican politicians making sure every psycho with a gun has some extra ammunition. But hey, at least we have that beaver fuck from Buc-ees to soothe our sorrows with his Nug-ees.

While it may seem like everything in Texas sucks, it’s important to realize there are real people living here, and some of those people are cool as fuck and make good music. So, in light of that, here are some of the greatest bands that began their journey in the Lone Star state.

Butthole Surfers

We here at The Hard Times know our punk history, which would be incomplete without a mention of this classic band. Formed in San Antonio, the band quickly relocated to California after realizing Texans were completely fine with butt stuff, but hated the whole surfing part.

At the Drive-In

Perhaps the second-best thing to ever come out of El Paso after Eddie Guerrero, At The Drive-In’s “Relationship of Command” caught the attention of the music world. Many older punks still remember their breakup as the most devastating event that happened in 2001.

The Mars Volta

In the aftermath of ATDI, Omar Rodríguez-López and Cedric Bixler-Zavala wanted to experiment with their sound further. While the Mars Volta focused on producing a more progressive sound, nothing would be as progressive as the time when Bixler-Zavala denounced his former Foss bandmate Beto O’Rourke for endorsing Biden in the 2020 Democratic primaries.

Sparta

The other half of ATDI’s breakup, Sparta were known for their concrete post-hardcore roots and lead singer Jim Ward’s emotional delivery. Unfortunately, the band was hit hard by the release of Zach Snyder’s 300, as Leonidas’ iconic line fucked with the band’s SEO.

Power Trip

A list of the best bands from Texas that doesn’t include Power Trip is a list that should be vehemently ignored, or alternatively, brought to the town square and publicly ridiculed. The only thing left to say is Riley Gale Forever

Mineral

Originally from Houston, Mineral was one of the best emo bands to emerge in the ‘90s. Their most popular song, “Parking Lot” is rumored to be a scathing takedown of their hometown’s extreme dependence on cars. Either that or it’s about some sad shit that would get us depressed, and since we’d rather be mad than sad, we’re saying it’s the former.

Parquet Courts (kinda)

Okay sure, if you search up Parquet Courts on Google, it’ll say they’re a NY band. Look, we’re no geneticists, but if 3/4 of the band met in Denton, we’re pretty sure that means they’re a Texas band. And besides, New York already has so many great punk acts, so please just let us have this. We’ll even give you Owen Wilson’s younger brother, Luke, if that sweetens the deal.

MDC

In a state full of conservative freaks waiting for their chance to suck the dirt clean off a cop’s boots, MDC are a beacon of hope. It’s said that their song “John Wayne Was a Nazi” single-handedly raised the blood pressure of thousands of Ag teachers across the state.

The Riverboat Gamblers

Now this is a band that knows how to cater to their environment. While their name may lead you to believe they’re the rootinest tootinest four-piece bluegrass-country outfit from Chattanooga, they’re actually a killer punk band from Denton.

Portrayal of Guilt

Hailing from the self-proclaimed black sheep city of Texas, this Austin band has been making waves since 2017 with their blend of hardcore and screamo. It’s bands like this that remind us there’s more to Austin than out-of-state tech bros and college kids that just found out the Blur guy is also the Gorillaz guy.

Kublai Khan TX

Okay, this one might blow your mind. Who would’ve thought the TX at the end of their name meant they were from Texas? Certainly not us, we were too busy peeling the dried glue off our hands during our 2nd-grade social studies class. Regardless, this Sherman metalcore band will surely fit into any playlist meant to scare the living shit out of WASP moms.

The Impossibles

Originally from Austin, The Impossibles brought the undeniable swagger of ska to the uncultured masses living in suburban Texas. The introduction of ska to Texans created an imbalance in the world of high school football, as many players quit to pursue their true passion of doing a little jig while playing the trumpet.

Judiciary

Formed in 2014, this metalcore band from Lubbock quickly became the talk of the town. More specifically, it’s the devil’s talk, if you want to believe your super-religious aunt who somehow makes a decent living from selling Herbalife products and Mary Kay cosmetics.

Toadies

Although the Pacific Northwest was the birthplace and hot spot for grunge in the ‘90s, something cool happened in Fort Worth for the first (and last) time ever and Toadies were born. Do yourself a favor and listen to their debut before you go rummaging through your attic looking for your Mountain Dew-stained Guitar Hero II controller.

And there you have it. 14 of the best bands from Texas. Did we miss anyone? Yeah probably, we don’t give a shit. What’s important is that you listen to these bands and realize there are some good things that come from Texas. At the very least, you can appreciate that we didn’t give you the All-American Rejects, like those fucks in Oklahoma did.

Every The Breeders Album Ranked

Few good things have come from the irradiated wastes of Ohio. It’s an unforgiving realm of demons, bloodthirsty mutants, and sorcery (probably, we’ve never been). But Ohio also gave us The Breeders, which makes up for everything except The Black Keys. Since the very beginning, Kim Deal and the gang have cemented themselves as both alt-rock heavyweights and the primary cause of Frank Blank’s insomnia. Every album from the Breeders is experimental, creative and a joy to listen to, but that’s not enough to save them from being ranked for SEO reasons.

5. Mountain Battles (2008)

The seven years between “Title Tk” and “Mountain Battles” were packed with cross-country recording sessions and a Pixies reunion tour. Like any good Breeders jaunt, “Mountain Battles” charges headfirst into new musical territory, with some inconsistent results. A handful of songs like “Night of Joy” and “We’re Gonna Rise” sound like great Radiohead album cuts, if that makes sense. The lowkey moments shine through, especially the chilled out “Regalame Esta Noche.” Ultimately, “weakest Breeders album” is still a compliment.

Play It Again: “Regalame Esta Noche,” “We’re Gonna Rise”
Skip It: “Bang On”

4. All Nerve (2018)

It’s funny to look back on 2018 and think “Ah, what a simpler time” because we had no idea the world was going to really go to shit. But 2018 gave us “All Nerve,” which isn’t phased by the ten-year gap in new music from the band. All of the tracks feel right at home within the Dealscography. “Spacewoman” is a great fucking song. There is a slight sense of “been there, done that” throughout, but there’s no hint of late-career desperation for the good ol’ days of “Last Splash.”

Play It Again: “Spacewoman”
Skip It: “Archangel’s Thunderbird”

 

3. Pod (1990)

The Breeders come out swinging with “Pod,” an album with the confidence of a tall guy planting himself in the front row of a basement show. It’s an album full of messy, great ideas, which makes sense considering it was born out of Deal’s growing frustration with Pixies. “Pod” was a quick hit upon release and became favorite for many of the band’s contemporaries including some guy named Kurt Cobain.

Play It Again: “Doe,” “Glorious”
Skip It: “Metal Man”

 

2. Title TK (2001)

Created in the midst of recording misfires and lineup changes, “Title TK” still manages to show off Deal’s songwriting bite. The songs skew moodier, with several tracks like “Off You” shifting to more subtle, spacey instrumentations. Grungey rockers like “Huffer” and “London” are still plentiful, leading to a refined and well-rounded mix of tracks. Also it came out a few months before 9/11, The Breeders really like to get their writing cycle done before world changing events.

Play it Again: “Off You,” the NPR Tiny Desk version is great. “London”
Skip It: “T and T”

1. Last Splash (1993)

The serene vibes of “Drivin’ on 9”. The spacey guitars and vocals on “No Aloha.” The mere existence of “Cannonball” and “Divine Hammer.” Every song on here is just unfair. In a shitty industry where rigid, design-by-committee songs and overpaid, under-talented shithead pop producers reign supreme, “Last Splash” proves there will always be a place for pure, honest creativity. And this was also the year Beanie Babies debuted, conspiracy theorists might start to worry that The Breeders are part of some shadow government hell-bent on chaos, but it’s probably just a coincidence.

Play it Again: “Drivin’ on 9,” “No Aloha,” “Hag.”
Skip It: “Gold on the Ceiling”

6 Forgotten Barbie Boyfriends Who Never Really Got over Her and It’s Sad

At long last, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie is coming to theaters, ushering in a new wave of empowering feminism for thin, conventionally attractive blond women and numerous cross-promotional options for Warner Bros. Pictures. While American plastic icon, Barbie, will be played by one of Margot Robbie’s accents, her longtime boyfriend Ken will be played by the very blond, very Canadian Ryan Gosling. As such, it seems like a great time to take a look back over Barbie’s other boyfriends who say they were totally okay with breaking up, but you can tell it wasn’t mutual and they’re just a bummer.

Ben
The Ben doll was introduced in 1966 with his in-universe backstory being that he went to college with Barbie and began dating after taking the same Economics 203 course. He is differentiated from Ken by having dark hair, a trendy mustache, and an expression of deep, uncomfortable nostalgia whenever Barbie comes up, which makes his second wife Helen upset.

Glenn
In 1986, Glenn was canonically declared to have had a five-week relationship with Barbie, while she and Ken were taking a break to allow her to be Totally Cool Rock Star Barbie© for a while. Sadly, Glenn was far more invested in the relationship than Barbie and refused to accept the inevitable breakup gracefully. Glenn was last reported to be working on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico.

Jen
While not a boyfriend, Jen and Barbie dated in sophomore year, and Jen still won’t fucking shut up about it. Mattel released a statement in 1997 that Jen needs to get a life and that she’ll never find an emotionally satisfying relationship if she continues to be this obsessive.

Skeletor
As part of the 2001 Barbie/Masters of the Universe crossover event, Barbie had a steamy three-day weekend with the skull-faced Overlord of Evil that we wouldn’t call “dating,” but we’re not ones to judge. He still texts her sometimes. It’s pretty gross.

Sven
Sven, a Scandinavian figure skater, was brought into the franchise in an attempt to woo European consumers. However, the homoerotic undertones of Sven and Ken’s competition over Barbie eventually became unmistakable and he was removed from circulation, though the winter breezes of his ancestral home of HonningsvĂ„g still whisper of his unfulfilled love for both of them.

Your Childhood Self
You know you’ll never love anyone as much as you loved Barbie.

Rest of Band Rudely Holds Conversation While Drummer Trying to Practice Fills

HONESDALE, Pa. — The drummer of melodic hardcore band Goofus Eats Gallant was reportedly chafed when his philistine bandmates barbarically chatted as he diligently practiced fills, ashamed sources confirmed.

“The gall! The absolute unmitigated, ribald gall! I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that, with them lightly chatting amongst themselves, I could barely hear myself loudly bang on my crash cymbal over and over again,” huffed Bat “Bullhorn” Masterson. “I thought I was in a band with other musicians, not a pack of rabid wolves who have gained the power of conversation. How’s a fellow supposed to nail his fills with all that pesky breeze shooting going on? They need to learn some manners.”

Masterson’s bandmates report palpable embarrassment at their faux pas, admitting they were in the wrong.

“Look, we’ll own up to our mistake, and let me state for the record that we are mortified that we were so uncouth. We should have had the good grace to realize earlier that Bullhorn was maniacally beating his drum set to a pulp at the time of our chit-chat,” opined a repentant Muddy Csonkas, the band’s singer/bassist. “I only hope that it be of some small comfort to our beloved drummer that we were only talking about how good he was at his instrument, and how the exact fills he was rehearsing were coming along so well. But I suppose it doesn’t matter now, I could never face him again.”

Famed etiquette columnist Judith “Miss Manners” Martin elaborated more on the importance of rehearsal space politeness.

“It is always impolite to raise one’s voice to even a whisper over a drum fill, every musician should know that,” said Martin. “Just as one would never rest a coffee cup on a borrowed Marshall stack without first acquiring a coaster. I should hope Masterson would not leave the group over this admittedly crass and uncultured kerfuffle, and rather stay around to educate and guide his bandmates, as they dearly, deeply need it.”

At press time, the construction crew working across the street from the Goofus Eats Gallant practice space couldn’t believe a boorish band was rehearsing over their beautiful jackhammering.