At long last, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie is coming to theaters, ushering in a new wave of empowering feminism for thin, conventionally attractive blond women and numerous cross-promotional options for Warner Bros. Pictures. While American plastic icon, Barbie, will be played by one of Margot Robbie’s accents, her longtime boyfriend Ken will be played by the very blond, very Canadian Ryan Gosling. As such, it seems like a great time to take a look back over Barbie’s other boyfriends who say they were totally okay with breaking up, but you can tell it wasn’t mutual and they’re just a bummer.
Ben
The Ben doll was introduced in 1966 with his in-universe backstory being that he went to college with Barbie and began dating after taking the same Economics 203 course. He is differentiated from Ken by having dark hair, a trendy mustache, and an expression of deep, uncomfortable nostalgia whenever Barbie comes up, which makes his second wife Helen upset.
Glenn
In 1986, Glenn was canonically declared to have had a five-week relationship with Barbie, while she and Ken were taking a break to allow her to be Totally Cool Rock Star Barbie© for a while. Sadly, Glenn was far more invested in the relationship than Barbie and refused to accept the inevitable breakup gracefully. Glenn was last reported to be working on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico.
Jen
While not a boyfriend, Jen and Barbie dated in sophomore year, and Jen still won’t fucking shut up about it. Mattel released a statement in 1997 that Jen needs to get a life and that she’ll never find an emotionally satisfying relationship if she continues to be this obsessive.
Skeletor
As part of the 2001 Barbie/Masters of the Universe crossover event, Barbie had a steamy three-day weekend with the skull-faced Overlord of Evil that we wouldn’t call “dating,” but we’re not ones to judge. He still texts her sometimes. It’s pretty gross.
Sven
Sven, a Scandinavian figure skater, was brought into the franchise in an attempt to woo European consumers. However, the homoerotic undertones of Sven and Ken’s competition over Barbie eventually became unmistakable and he was removed from circulation, though the winter breezes of his ancestral home of Honningsvåg still whisper of his unfulfilled love for both of them.
Your Childhood Self
You know you’ll never love anyone as much as you loved Barbie.