Ah, the ’90s—flannel shirts, grunge music, and the unmistakable voice of Kurt Cobain. But while the world has never quite let go of Nirvana’s frontman, one question has haunted music fans for decades: whatever happened to their drummer? You know, the tall-ish guy with the long hair and a goofy smile. Dave Growl or something? Oh right, Grohl, Dave Grohl. Whatever happened to that guy?
After Cobain’s tragic demise, Grohl seemed to vanish like a ghost into the Seattle fog. Rumors spread like wildfire, each more bizarre than the last. Some say he retreated to the remote forests of Washington, living off the land and occasionally recording drum solos on logs with a pair of sticks he carved himself. Others claim he joined a cult of grunge purists who believe that the genre should have ended with Mother Love Bone, spending his days meditating in front of a poster of Andrew Wood, waiting for the second coming.
Now, as one source divulged, Grohl participated in an Ayahuasca ritual and now exists in a parallel dimension. He is only allowed to visit our realm when the moon is full and a vinyl recording of Billy Higgins is played backwards. It’s said that those who encounter Grohl’s rare corporeal form are filled with a joy so powerful it reverberates through time and space. Of course, no one has ever been able to prove this, but the legend lives on in whispers among those who believe in the more avant-garde side of grunge.
For years, theories simmered, feeding the flames of speculation. Like his Pacific Northwest cousin the Sasquatch, Grohl sightings became the stuff of urban legend—he was seen in the background of a grainy photograph in a Zambian village, or hitchhiking on The Great Wall of China. One of the more pervasive theories is that, after Cobain’s death Grohl retired to Thailand to teach English and clear his head; it was there that he fell in love, got married, and started a family. If that is true, I wish him well.
Yet, just when it seemed the mystery would never be solved, word has it that Grohl has emerged from his self-imposed exile. He’s rumored to have formed a new band—something with guitars and drums, the usual stuff. Those in the know state that Grohl has come out from behind the drum kit as the frontman for the band. Yeah right, I’ll believe that when I see it!
While the name of the band remains unknown, sources say the sound is “pretty good.”
“I know not of this 9/11 you speak, but from today henceforth I solemnly vow that I shall know no rest until I have found it and made it taste the full might of my hammer! Can you describe the beast?”
Hulk’s alter ego Bruce Banner provided an understandable reason for not stopping one of the greatest tragedies on American soil.
“If they let the only all-girl team stop 9/11 the internet manosphere would fucking riot.”
“Best we could have done was make 9/11 smaller, or possibly bigger.”
“No matter how many form-fitting tactical outfits I did kicks in that day those planes just kept coming. Oh well, can’t win ’em all!”
“I stop 9/11 every day! Sorry I took one day off in 2001!”
“First I’m hearing of it.”
“I’ve been petitioning Boeing for years to build an airplane that explodes when you hit it with an arrow, but do they listen?!”
“Don’t blame me! I voted for Gore.”
“I’ve never seen 9/11, I think it came out before I was born? I heard it was great though.”
“I can’t really remember what I even do. I’m like a magic guy, right?”
“I stopped 9/11 in a bunch of other universes but honestly, after a few dozen, you get bored.”
“Because no one said ‘exhibition, tarnished, eleven, ladies night, microwave, forty-two, subway car, Dallas’ to me in that exact order.”
“If 9/11 didn’t happen, they never would have made “Loose Change.” I love that movie!”
“Did you ask Queen Elizabeth II the same question? How about King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands? You see where I’m going with this.”
“Seriously? My name is WAR MACHINE. Maybe if it was “Peace Machine” I would have done something, but probably not because “Peace Machine” sounds like a real bitch if you ask me!”
“There’s actually no spell for stopping 9/11s. I got Pearl Harbor, January 6th, The Challenger explosion, but no 9/11. It’s weird!”
“By the time we found the perfect song to stop 9/11 too, it was already too late. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping.”
“Well, the first time I lived through 9/11 I was frozen in a block of ice so, you know, absent excused. The second time let’s see, I was probably balls deep in my girlfriend Peggy Carter. We would have been in our early 70s by then but she was still a whole lot of woman, and me? Well, I’m Captain America.”
“I actually DID stop 9/11, but it didn’t test well so we went into reshoots. We just wrapped and even though that horrible tragedy still happened, I think the audience is going to be happy with the results. You didn’t hear this from me but… Red Hulk. Ha! I’ve said too much.”
“I was dealing with my own personal 9/11 at the time, by which I mean two female flutists from the London Philharmonic. One was a nine, and the other, let me tell you, she was an eleven. You get that I had sex with them, right?”
“The same reason we haven’t prevented any of the huge global catastrophes we’ve idly witnessed through the ages, we don’t GIVE A FUCK yo!”
“Using the Eye of Agamotto, I glimpsed into over 14 million possible futures, and the one where 9/11 happened was the only one where we got U.S ground forces into Iraq. I allowed 9/11 to happen for the greater good, and history will vindicate me along with the Bush administration.”
We didn’t have tightrope or alligators at our disposal so we jumped directly into the gator tank at the zoo, Harambe style. However, we were immediately tackled by several zookeepers and busted our shoulder. Would not recommend. Turns out, it didn’t even look cool.
The environment seemed perfect. We stole a bunch of armor from the museum, fashioned jousting weaponry out of two-by-fours and aluminum foil, and stole our little brothers’ bicycles. Unfortunately, the first responders didn’t find any of this funny.
Not only will you leave the ER with lifelong debilitating injuries, but you will also have to spend the night in jail for trespassing into a country club, not to mention stealing all the golf carts and defacing private property. We did not see any of this coming. Even after careful planning.
Telling the ER you got mauled by a bear will instantly make them empathize. But the minute you tell them you smothered yourself in honey and salmon chunks and strapped yourself to a chair in the middle of grizzly country beforehand, it’s like you don’t even exist to the medical community. What gives?
To perform this stunt, all you need is a few hundred bees. So we found the closest nest, lathered our genitals in honey, and the stunt just did itself. Mind you, if you are allergic to bee stings, you will need medical attention almost immediately and will be forced to turn your entire paycheck over to a corporate hospital until further notice.
Who knew a golf course could be so hazardous? For this one, we would blow our airhorn right as an unsuspecting golfer was about to take their swing. This only seemed to anger people. One of them hit a golf ball directly at us while we were hiding in the bushes as retaliation. It hit us square in the head. There’s still a noticeable lump. We will never be the same.
This one was more on us. Sure, we tried every element the Jackass crew did for this one, only we didn’t have enough money for an actual cup and jockstrap part. In hindsight, medical debt is actually way pricier than the 35 bucks we should’ve just scrounged together. In conclusion, having no cup failed every test.
This one involves a giant prop hand that wallops you unsuspectingly as you walk through a doorway. Seems tame enough. Only one of us was holding a collection of knives, razorblades, and generic sharp objects. Let’s just say the blood stains won’t come out of the carpet.
For this one, the Jackass boys stuffed a toy car up one of their asses to pull a harmless little prank on the local butt doctor. But we couldn’t just be derivative and do the exact same thing, so we stuffed about a dozen of them up there. The doctors had more questions than we had answers.
This one involved two very specific elements: a children’s playground and a live bull. However, it’s not as easy as you would think to get your hands on a four-way teeter-totter. Though it’s shockingly quick to get a particularly muscular and angry cattle. We decided to go with swings instead of a totter. We got demolished almost instantly.
This one also involves a bull. Figured since our buddy already loaned us his bull for the day, might as well take full advantage. But now we are seeing that the more time you spend with a bull the more suffocating medical debt you will rack up. Stay far away from bulls as humanly possible.
Just like in the movie, the rocket we put together from scratch completely self-destructed as we tried to launch it into the lake while straddling it. That’s the last time we order a 12-foot rocket from the dark web. Their return policy is surprisingly strict.
Turns out, making everyone you know shit in a porta potty, strapping it to bungee cords, and launching it straight up in the air with you in it is a total nightmare. We passed out immediately and when we came to we were leaving the hospital with a bill that was equivalent to paying for six new Kia Souls.
Famous boxer and internet personality Jake Paul was kind enough to agree to beat the crap out of us in the middle of a Kohl’s. In fact, he said “yes” before we even finished our sentence. In the end, we somehow sustained six concussions with one punch from him. He’s clearly pummeled guys in the jeans section before.
The premise seemed simply enough. Take a 15-foot long anaconda and submerge in a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Then go ahead and try to wrangle the thing with your best bud. Luckily, these types of snakes aren’t venomous, but somehow it still hurts like hell after a good 25 bites.