Every The Casket Lottery Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

The Casket Lottery is an emo band from the midwest, but they’re not necessarily midwest emo. Come to think of it, they’re not really emo either…no, they’re definitely emo, but not with all the usually expected trappings. Anyway, The Casket lottery put out three full-length albums, then called it quits for a while and did other shit. 10 years later, they put out another full-length album. And then eight years later we got another album. They also did a bunch of rad stuff with Small Brown Bike and Hot Water Music.

That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of all of The Casket Lottery LPs.

5. Choose Bronze (1999)

Knowing now what we didn’t know back in 1999, it’s fair to say that although this album is not without its charm, it’s the weakest in the discography. If you’re familiar with the band’s canon, you’ll recognize Nate’s signature Telecaster shimmer, Stacy’s reliably crunchy and intricate bass work, and the other Nate’s expertly syncopated drums. This album came out when they were like 15 years old, so it evokes that feeling you get when you break curfew and your mom’s boyfriend keeps bumming your cigs. But still, this album has a charming aggression to it that only comes with youth.

Play it again: “Midway”
Skip it: “Softie”

Honorable Mention: Possibilities and Maybes (2003)

“Possibilities and Maybes” is technically not canon, but it’s a memorable album of B-sides that comes with strong recommendation. There’s previously unheard of stuff from their first three albums. There are demos and remixes. They even do a faithful cover of “Synchronicity II” by The Police, which is actually easier to listen to than the original version because you don’t have to think about Sting edging himself into an explosive climax with a feather duster.

Play it again: “The Great One and Lonely,” It’s the missing link between “Moving Mountains” and “Survival is for Cowards.”
Skip it: “Rip Van Winkle (Demo),” the “Choose Bronze” version is better.

4. Real Fear (2012)

For a while it seemed like The Casket Lottery was done, but they surprised us with this banger ten years after the release of the career-defining “Survival is for Cowards.” We’re met with an older, and wiser Casket Lottery after everybody went off to play in Coalesce, Able Baker Fox, and the Appleseed Cast. In other words, there was room for growth and reformation. In 2002, we had The Casket Lottery. In 2012, we had The Casket Lottery, but with synth. It’s like having your existential dread cake, and eating it while listening to The Cure.

Play it again: “In the Branches”
Skip it: “Sarastro”

3. Short Songs for End Times (2020)

“Short Songs for End Times” picks up where “Real Fear” left off, but is an overall more consistent album. Though The Casket Lottery has been known to tread lightly into math-rock territory, this release is their most straight-forward album to date; the drums chop, the bass rips, and the guitars paint a rich tapestry of texture only to drape it over the entire backdrop. The expertly placed peaks and valleys on this album make for a solid front-to-back listen, and Nathan’s powerful vocal presence sounds like he finally found the right combination of antihistamines.

Play it again: “Sisyphus Blues,” and “Unalone”
Skip it: “Trust as a Weapon”

Honorable Mention: Small Brown Bike And The Casket Lottery (2002)

There’s a whole other band out there called Able Baker Fox, and they boast the same lineup that can be found on the “Small Brown Bike And The Casket Lottery” split-EP. This EP, and the two subsequent Able Baker Fox albums that were birthed by it, has members from both bands playing together in what could be described as the ultimate supergroup that nobody’s ever heard of. It’s hard to tell where The Casket Lottery ends and Small Brown Bike begins, but we promise you that you’ll look really sad while walking over the iced over grass as the underneath you breaks like glass, or something. You honestly can’t go wrong with this one.

Play it again: “Wrong Hometown”
Skip it: No skip album

2. Moving Mountains (2000)

“Moving Mountains” is a younger, more experimental Casket Lottery in top form. The entire thing sounds the way it feels when you fall asleep on your arms until they get all tingly, but then you immediately pick up your guitar before you get the feeling back in your hands and try writing a song. That was supposed to be a compliment. Rhythmically, the staggering structure makes “Moving Mountains” sound disjointed in a way that’s intentional, and the whole album has a strange, yet infectious jiggle to it that’s hard to not be interested by.

Play it again: “Dead Dear”
Skip it: “Thousand Oaks (Away From Home)”

1. Survival Is for Cowards (2002)

“Survival Is for Cowards” is The Casket Lottery’s most straightforward pre-hiatus album, and shows you a clear logical progression in sound from the two albums that preceded it. Every song has its own subtle rhythmic complexity to it, but it’s also the most easily accessible iteration of The Casket Lottery, melodically speaking. Every song will vaguely remind you of really cold rain, and your dead uncle when you listen to that one song.

Play it again: “Code Red”
Skip it: No skip album

 

Need more emo nostalgia? We have it in our archives:

 

Hey Stupid, Go Read About Ten Underrated Albums From Ten Underrated Hopeless Records Bands

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Before we start listing ten underrated albums from ten underrated Hopeless Records bands below, we will state the obvious-to-us-but-likely-not-to-some-pleeb-who-just-scrolls-through- these-lists-without-actually-reading-them-or-the-fine-print-contained-in-such-like-a-savage and use the word “underrated” just one more time: Early releases from Thrice and Avenged Sevenfold are not underrated albums. In fact, both extremely influential bands got lofty major label deals because of their extremely successful and revered Hopeless Records releases like 2002’s “The Illusion of Safety” and 2003’s “Waking the Fallen.” So breathe, relax, you can make it through this.

Also, since we’re sticklers for being fair and balanced, LPs from acts like The Used and Yellowcard aren’t mentioned here either, as the groups already had a platinum-selling fan base prior to signing with Hopeless Records. Get it? Probably not because we already anticipate hilarious-to-you-but-not-to-anyone-else-esque comments on social media lamenting about our stupid dumb-dumb choices that don’t include (insert group here). Sorry, our bad.

Lastly, we don’t care that some songs from some of these albums below have a lofty amount of visible streams because the bands didn’t invade the global lexicon like they should’ve. Yep. You know we’re right. Here’s our super correct and detailed list which is so worldly it contains two LPs from the ‘90s, two from the aughts, four from the 2010s, and two from this decade in alphabetical order; we’re not just living in the past, miscreants. Anyway, read/scream/dream/carry on for some of the best nuggets from thirty years of Hopeless Records:

Atom And His Package “Redefining Music” (2001)

If Adam “Atom” Goren “And His Package” released this extremely unique and fun album as a split with former Long Island ska icon and current hipster messiah Dan Deacon six years after this came out, The Package’s irreverent brand of dork-punk would likely be headlining Coachella right now. But he didn’t. Stupid, stupid, stupid. “Redefining Music” may not contain Adam’s best song “Punk Rock Academy,” but what’s a more punk rock song title than “If You Own the Washington Redskins You’re a Cock”?

 

Dillinger Four “Midwestern Songs Of The Americas” (1998)

Most people who use the word “punk” in a non-condescending manner may not know this album, but a lot of their favorite aggressive bands that describe themselves with adjectives such as “gruff,” “crusty,” “grimey,” and “stinky” sure do! If you like saccharine melodies with offly rough yet sincerely endearing vocals, this thirteen-song Dillinger Four album clocking in at just under thirty-two minutes is for you! If not, why the hell are you here? Seriously. Get out.

 

 

Doll Skin “Love Is Dead And We Killed Her” (2019)

Arizona is known more for not-so-casual racism than it is for the band Doll Skin, but we’d love to change that. The group released one lone album for Hopeless Records that likely got lost in the shuffle for whatever reason, and sadly, that’s what they call show business. Still, this talented group found a way to incorporate elements of nearly every single genre on Warped Tour in a tasteful fashion, but you messed everything up for the/your skin by not tuning in when the band was still around. Mark my words.

 

Have Mercy “Make The Best Of It” (2017)

We still find it strange that this band just didn’t get a fair shake, and we’re not making the best of it. In the mid-2010s it seemed that Baltimore’s Have Mercy was a blogger nerd’s wet dream that he selfishly wanted to keep to himself and his perpetually soiled blanket. Gross. Despite the crazy buzz surrounding this band, they honestly walked so other more inferior acts could run. We’re not going to name names, but YOU can in the comments! Anyway, releasing three records for Hopeless, this 2017 effort seemed to stifle the band’s momentum despite being eleven stupendous songs front-to-back. Disagree?

Milk Teeth “Vile Child” (2016)

Brain food: Fans of irritable bowel syndrome, Courtney Love’s gritty “Live Through This”-era Hole vocals, expansive and expensive veneers, and early-90s fuzzy distortion pedals would love, love, love England’s Milk Teeth and this particular LP’s blue and orange album cover. As you know, and this is admittedly low hanging fruit with a ‘orrible accent, the UK isn’t exactly known for dentistry, but it should be for this grungy powerhouse of a group. Innit. Like you did with Doll Skin and several acts yet to be mentioned below, you broke this band up too! Selfish! Check this one out and get a clue, vile child.

Mustard Plug “Evildoers Beware!” (1997)

We hear that there’s a fourth wave of ska going on right now, but fuck that, let’s get back to the third one, which had a creatively solid yet super short run in the 1990s! (Miss) Michigan’s own Mustard Plug put out one of the best ska-punk records under the radar in 1997, and in a weird twist of fate got some public hate from the curiously and questionably tatted lead singer of the now and forever defunct Kara’s Flowers. Google. This LP rivals the Atom And His Package album above for the most smiley record listed in this piece regardless of whether or not you’re living in a box. Spin it and go, you!

Pinkshift “Love Me Forever” (2022)

The online chatter about this band was very strong with their self-released and all lowercase single “i’m gonna tell my therapist on you.” However, we wish that more people knew about this twelve-track debut album from the second of two Baltimore bands to be mentioned here, Pinkshift, which packs a punch so damn hard your shift will turn pink. Yeah. This is the most recent Hopeless Records release to be highlighted here, proving that we are current, cool, and hip. Here’s to the band’s next LP, dreamer!

 

Sylar “Help!” (2016)

It’s a strong, baller, and curious move to have the same album title as the Beatles but Queens is filled with weird, weird people; next stop Jamaica. Sylar’s “Help!” is the second of two records listed here with an exclamation point, and it makes sense given the fact that it contains a lot of yelling. In addition, the band has a nu-metal sound, aesthetic, vibe and a bright yellow jacket. If this record came out in 2000, Sylar may have been playing co-headlining gigs with (Hed)PE but sadly (or happily depending upon who is reading), nu-metal fashion is way more popular now than the modern bands who emulate such. Maintain closure.

There For Tomorrow “A Little Faster” (2009)

Sometimes tried-and-true accessible radio rock isn’t actually on mainstream radio and that’s quite a shame for this Orlando five-piece, which executed catchiness and musicianship in an incredible fashion. However, the band achieved SOME mainstream success, as There For Tomorrow won an MTVU “Woodie” award, which is not a joke, form of hyperbole, or a monster fib about the actual juvenile word “woodie”; the fact that this was an award name is more appalling than a root canal procedure gone awry. Back to the band, TFT had a solid fan base but it wasn’t enough to keep ‘em around much more than yesterday, and certainly not today or tomorrow.

With Confidence “Self-Titled” (2021)

We’re going out with confidence for this tenth and last entry: You crazy, crazy non-conformists may have dismissed this band as just another pop-punk act when their debut 2016 album came out, but you goofed with confidence. This band may have released the best and most undeniable song you’ve never heard from the 2020s with its farewell self-titled LP’s opening track “What You Make It” with confidence. It’s a sugary and Weezer-y pop-rock jam that will infect your head for the better, and cause your post-Ozempic body to shake shake Senora with confidence. Honestly, this album would be listed here if it was that same infectious song repeated nine more times verbatim, but the remaining tracks deserve some public love or ANYTHING as well with confidence.

 

In Lieu of Flowers Please Send Size Medium Shirts, Punks We Lost This Week

Posted on by James Knapp

Diane Cranford
January 29, 1951 – July 14, 2023

Born in Odessa, Texas, Diane Cranford was raised by local rodeo clowns “Slappy” and “Dr. Floppy Boots” for much of her early life. The skills she learned from these early influences would prove very useful after her relocation to the Austin scene.

Ms. Cranford quickly developed a reputation in the scene by ensuring all pits were free from crowdkillers and unprovoked gorings. She applied her rodeo clown techniques to other groups of violent animals, such as Boston hardcore crews or metalheads on their third case of Coors for the night. Ms. Cranford’s most rootin’ tootin’ pit rescue was during the Big Boys show of 1983, when she successfully distracted an enraged Randy Turner before he could disembowel a fan who had mistakenly taken a swig out of his stage Fresca.

She was preceded in death by Slappy, and is survived by Dr. Floppy Boots who now runs a podiatry clinic. In lieu of flowers, Ms. Cranford requested mourners throw whipped cream pies in each other’s faces in her honor.

Casper “Van Humper” Rollard
April 15, 1980 – July 17, 2023

Born and raised in Bozeman, Montana, Casper Rollard was an avid motorhead. Affectionately known to his close friends and family as “Van Humper,” he was legally prohibited from being within fifty feet of any Chevy Astro, which often made touring with his band The Four Wheelers difficult.

Ever active in the scene, Mr. Rollard could often be found at local skateparks asking if anyone else was interested in remote control cars and then making vrooming noises with his mouth. Once, he attempted to eat an entire tractor tire, and made it nearly a third of the way through before being rushed to the emergency room with what the doctors dubbed “rubber rectum.” Mr. Rollard died earlier this week after competing in a demolition derby using his own human body in lieu of a vehicle – he finished in second place.

He is survived by his wife Prius, his children Mitsubishi and Dune Buggy, and his former band, who in his honor are already planning a reunion set at Sturgis this year.

The Expulted
December 12, 2021 – July 16, 2023

Folk-thrash band The Expulted was formed in Philadelphia by guitarist Went Silverman, washboard player Dale “Dead Toe” Polinchock, and a wiley kazoo player known to everyone only as “Skuzzles.” The band’s first gig was an illegal acoustic set in the back of that building where the city keeps the Liberty Bell.

The Expulted was unable to tour for most of their short tenure, as the Philadelphia Department of Rabies had fitted Skuzzles with a shock collar to keep him within city limits as a protective measure against the non-Philadelphian world. However, the department administrator recently forgot to change the batteries in the collar, and so on July 14th, the band set out on a grand world tour spanning the lower forty-eight United States, Canada, Mexico, Peru, unflooded parts of Europe, and the Republic of the Union of Myanmar. They made it two days before Skuzzles reverted to a feral state and shredded the rest of the band to pieces before being put down by an armed sound guy.

The Expulted are survived by members of the Philadelphia Civil Service Commission and the recently founded Department of Collar Maintenance.

I Lived It: I Pet Two Street Cats at the Same Time and Now I’m Powerful Enough to Fight God

Posted on by Elanna White

It happened at 3 p.m. on a Friday. It was one of those days that was beautiful and just slightly breezy. You know, the kind that makes you happy to be alive. After all, you never forget the first day that you pet 2 street cats at the same time.

I was on my way home from the bodega when it crossed my path in a flash of orange. I’d know that silhouette anywhere. I stopped dead in my tracks. I’d been down that street every day since I moved in a year ago. How could I not have known?

At first I crouched down and pulled out a chip from my snack haul. The cat was under a car looking at me. He was considering it, I could feel it. We exchanged slow blinks in a sacred dance of the ages. I wanted him to feel not just comfortable but soothed.

I could tell I was in immediately. By then I was cross-legged on the sidewalk. I put my hand out. He skipped the sniff stage and went straight in for the pet. I was a cheek in when I heard it…it was faint at first but gaining volume. A bell.

I looked up and there it was, bounding towards me, collar jingling in the wind. A SECOND cat. My hand in between the ears of the first, I reached my palm out towards the second, the sun shining onto my fingertips. It met a nose, then a chest. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

People walked by on their way to lunch or to spend time with their loved ones. Couldn’t they see?? This moment was magic. This moment was the stuff of mythos. I was the Ratatouille of street cats. I could feel my body levitating. The cats and I were one.

It may sound crazy, but I do believe I achieved ego death that day. As Athena rose from Zeus’ head, my own spirit guides came to me in that moment. They revealed to me the interconnectedness of everything. And when I close my eyes they’re still with me, jingling away.

Uncle Weirdly Defensive Over Being Told Majority of Original “Faces of Death” Was Staged

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local plumber and barfly Randy Kunzelman became borderline irate after a family member told him most of the horrific footage featured in the original “Faces of Death” was staged by the filmmakers, several mulleted sources report.

“When my niece Dani casually mentioned to me, ‘You know most of ‘Faces of Death’ was fake, right?’ I coulda slapped my brother for raising his child like that,” Kunzelman said, adding she always was the weird one. “No way in hell that stuff’s fake. I saw it on VHS when I was 11 years old, and it pretty much scarred me for life. For 42 years I’ve avoided going to the zoo because I didn’t want to look at the monkeys and think of that brain scene. Now it’s all of a sudden it’s fake? What, next you’re gonna tell me the narrator’s name isn’t really Francis B. Gröss or something? Get outta here.”

Randy Kunzelman’s nephew and bearer of bad news Danny Kunzelman could see that the news of the snuff film being mostly staged had a profound effect on his uncle.

“I’ve never seen a grown man act like that. He got bright red, started sweating, and I saw tears in his eyes as he called me a liar and a disgrace to the family. It was tough,” the 22-year-old explained. “It was sort of like when an older sibling tells you Santa isn’t real for the first time. I could tell he was angry, sad, and confused all at once. It was nearly as bad as when my dad told him professional wrestling was scripted, I don’t think he visited us for a whole year after that. Poor guy.”

Horror connoisseur and contributor to Fangoria magazine Frank Emge noted how other films have duped entire generations.

“Much like the subject matter of ‘Faces of Death,’ reality can be a hard thing to accept sometimes,” Emge said. “If you have spent the last 40 years talking about seeing a snuff film as a child and then then you have the rug ripped out from under you it’s hard to accept. A whole generation of kids became basement-dwelling couch potatoes because ‘the Blair Witch Project’ scared them so much, to the point where they never wanted to go play in the woods. Even though the material is fake, these deceptive filmmakers have blood on their hands. Or at least corn syrup on their hands.”

At press time, Kunzelman had finally mustered up the courage to visit a zoo, only to be quickly scared off after seeing a man photographing a grizzly bear.

Every “Twin Peaks” Character Ranked by How Easy It Would Be to Live With Them

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, at the last minute my roommate decided not to sign the new list on account of the fact that he got one too many DUIs and he’s going to jail. If I don’t find someone to take his room fast I’m kind of screwed.

Rather than put an ad out on a website to a bunch of strangers, I’ve decided to pick my next roomie from the group of people I know better than anyone else: the characters from David Lynch’s CBS nighttime soap opera “Twin Peaks.”

70. BOB

Hands down one of the worst conceivable roommates of all time. BOB is an entity of The Black Lodge that possess people and forces them to commit the most horrific acts imaginable in order to harness pain and sorrow. Not exactly the kind of guy you can see doing the dishes all that frequently. Hard pass.

69. Nadine Hurley

Nadine has two personas, and they both seem like an absolute nightmare to live with. One is a disturbed, violently tempered neurotic who thinks drapes are too loud, so I can only imagine what she would do when I blast music at 2 a.m. The other is a high-strung sex-crazed teenager with superhuman strength who doesn’t take no for an answer. I could see either one of them petting my cat to death.

68. Leo Johnson

On a show that features tulpas and demonic entities from a place called the black lodge, Leo, a human being, manages to be the scariest character. He’s sort of like a tough guy Bruce Mccullough character if Bruce McCullough was fully prepared to murder you at any second. I don’t need to get wrapped up in whatever BDSM/human trafficking/coke ring shenanigans this dude has going on.

67. James Hurley

Laura Palmer made some pretty questionable romantic choices in her short life but secretly dating bookhouse boy do-gooder James Hurley might have been the worst one. Inside James, there are two wolves, and they are both very sad and lame. I can’t watch a scene this dudes in without thinking “Get me the fuck out of here” so cohabitation is definitely off the table.

66. Log Lady

Margaret just seems really judgy, like a nosy cat-person shut-in only worse. She seems like she would be an incredibly stubborn roommate. Once she’s made up her mind that her log doesn’t like you, that’s it. I could also really easily see her being into Qanon.

65. Audrey Horne

I’ve been in love with Audrey since I was a teenager, but I don’t think I could ever live with her. She can be sort of needy like she always needs a ride somewhere or needs you to bail her out of a shady mob-run whore house she’s infiltrated, but if you need something you’re on your own. Plus she seems like she would be the sort of roommate who does a lot of passive-aggressive mind game-type stuff.

64. Jerry Horne

I bet Jerry is actually a pretty fun hang, in a once-in-a-while coke buddy type of way, but you never wanna live with someone like that. There would be way too much partying, crazy noise going on all hours of the night, but when it came time to pay the rent he would be a phantom.

63. Laura Palmer

Never mind the fact that she’s dead, wrapped in plastic. That’s like the least of this girl’s issues. Laura is two-faced and duplicitous. She likes hard drugs and she has awful taste in men. I don’t need someone bringing a rotating cast of coke dealers, skinwalkers, and drips like James Hurley into my house all the time. I’ve lived with a Laura or two in my day and I’m too old for that noise.

62. Dick Tremayne

Dick is a pretentious blowhard, especially for someone who works in retail. Dick would be the sort of roommate that scoffs at you for eating something as low-brow as a hot dog, then try to argue his way out of paying cable because he doesn’t watch TV that much even though he totally does. Fuck this guy.

61. Agent Albert Rosenfield

I think Albert is a good guy deep down, but he’s way too agro to deal with day-to-day. Plus he tried to narc on Harry Truman after he punched him in the face. Talk shit get hit Albert, it’s as simple as that.

60. Nicky

Nicky has very little going for himself when it comes to being a roommate candidate. He’s a child, which sucks. Everyone who gets close to him seems to die tragically as if he is cursed or evil, and he brings all that Andy/Lucy/Dick drama with him. Sorry, little guy, that’s three strikes.

59. Benjamin Horne

Benjamin is such a conniving bastard that even though he’s rich he would still find a way to fuck me over on rent. By the end of season 2, he tries to turn over a new leaf, but the back half of season 2 barely counts anyway, so I have a hard time believing it’s stuck. You don’t go from a cigar-toking villain who has sex with high school students to a good guy in one episode.

58. Catherine Martell

Catherine is a cold and ruthless soap opera stereotype. Not living with someone like that is the reason I moved out of my mom’s house in the first place. This would be a huge step back for me.

57. Miss Jones

She’s an assassin who uses seduction and hallucinogenic drugs on her victims. I can respect that, but I wouldn’t want to live with it.

56. Johnny Horne

Johnny is just too much of a wild card. One minute he’s fine, the next he’s wailing and banging his head against the wall. The guy’s a deposit killer.

55. Lanna

The only thing worse than someone who thinks they’re so attractive and charming that they can get away with anything is someone who actually is and can. If she wanted to, she could probably get me to float her on bills until I didn’t have a penny left to my name.

54. Bernard Renault

Bernard is the drug mule of the Renault family, making him the lowest man on the totem pole of one of the sketchiest families of all time. Needless to say, he would not make a trustworthy roommate.

53. Windom Earle

I’m just gonna say it, Windom is vindictive. I feel like if I left my clothes in the dryer he would kidnap my girlfriend and engage me in a dangerous game of cat and mouse where he always has the upper hand.

52. Jean Renault

All three of the Renault brothers are persona non grata in my apartment, especially Jean. There’s no villain like a bolo-tie white coat villain. If I lived with this dude it would only be a matter of time before the feds burst down the door and confiscated my hard drive.

51. Blackie O’Reilly

It’s not that I don’t think sex work is real work, but this madame is a little too old school for my taste. Sex workers should be kept in your employ by safe working conditions and fair pay, not forced heroin dependency. She may add a touch of class to the living room, but at what cost?

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Emo Singer Slips Squarespace Ad Into Spoken Word Interlude

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

GARY, Ind. – Devin Michaels, the lead guitarist and vocalist of popular emo revival group Principle Feelings, incurred the wrath of fans after he slipped an advertisement for the popular website builder Squarespace into a spoken word interlude at the band’s hometown show last night, confirmed multiple sources who wish Livejournal was still a thing.

“I get it dude, seriously, I do,” remarked Michaels while skipping stones by the same bridge he’s been smoking Yellow American Spirits under since he was 13. “But I’ve got bills to pay like everybody else. Can’t you tell by my music that I grew up poor? I made it obvious that my Dad was a steelworker and my mother Esmé had pale green eyes and a fragile temperament, delicate like the stained glass of the Sistine. Or have you all been too busy drinking local craft beer to actually pay attention to my sublime lyrics? One ad isn’t even that big of a deal, and if you have a problem with it just go use the bathroom during commercial breaks.”

While some devotees are frustrated about Michaels “selling out,” others simply felt confused by the inclusion of the live ad.

“So he’s like halfway through that iconic spoken word section of ‘Love Rhymes With Crime Rhymes With the Great Carnival at the Edge of a Crumbling Society’ when he starts talking about like, prebuilt templates and drag-and-drop elements,” recounted superfan Daniel Elgin, who makes being from the Midwest his entire personality. “The whole thing felt pretty surreal, but I get it. Making money while being in a band is really tough. I just wish his promo code to save 10% off your first year was something easier to remember. I know it was one of the band’s lyrics about walking along a river or something.”

Squarespace founder Anthony Casalena was thrilled to hear about the pseudo-controversy.

“All press is good press! We’ve been expanding into more ‘subconscious’ methods of advertising over the last few quarters, so I’d call this one a major success,” said Casalena on a Zoom call from a 5-Star Hotel built atop a burial ground. “We’ve already seen a 10% bump in subscriptions since that show, mostly websites about missing a girl that moved back to the East Coast during middle school. My teenage son who may or may not hate me was all over it.”

At press time, sources report that Conor Oberst is rumored to be working on a concept album about the Ridge Wallet.

Every Story of the Year Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Unbeknownst to you, unless you’re smarter than everyone else reading this (and we know that you are) Story of the Year went platinum for their 2003 debut LP “Page Avenue.” One million fucking people bought this LP; woah, that’s a lot of yelling. We decided to rank that album and Story of the Year’s five follow-up records, and we also promise not to mention The Used at all more than this one time, as they have to be legally mentioned in any piece involving SOTY and/or svengali John Feldmann or Mest will get involved. We don’t want to get sued again; thanks, 5 Seconds of Summer. Dive right in:

6. The Constant (2010)

We decided that every album listed in this piece is going to get an award prior to the meat and potatoes of each section: 2010’s “The Constant” is Story of the Year’s “Most Generic Sounding Album Title,” and the band’s fourth record itself and last for Epitaph Records showcases such sonically. It’s not a bad effort per se, but it was definitely a misstep after three back-to-back solid LPs that we list later in this piece. Shortly after this album’s release, the band took a well deserved and needed sabbatical till 2013, when it released a re-imagined version of the record listed second, which doesn’t get ranked here because we’re suckers for accuracy, frustration, and facts. However, the group’s follow-up official full-length album is next to be discussed below.

Play it again: “The Ghost Of You and I”
Skip it: “Eye For An Eye”

5. Wolves (2017)

2017’s comeback LP “Wolves” is Story of the Year’s “Most Hardcore Sounding Album Title.” It earns that moniker whilst being quite soft-core and without being that hard. That’s what he said. Anyway, now a thinner and more svelte four-piece without longtime bassist Adam Russell (guitarist Phil “Moon Valjean” Sneed would depart the band just one year later in 2018), “Wolves” was a proper ferocious return to form from the band, and an upbeat one at that. It’s good but not great front to back, but deserves at least one listen if you haven’t done so already. Two may be too much for some and we support whatever you want to do because we live in a partially free country.

Play it again: “Bang Bang”
Skip it: “Like Ghosts”

4. Tear Me to Pieces (2023)

New Story of the Year in the year of our lord known as 2023? Yes please. SOTY’s recent effort “Tear Me to Pieces” is the band’s “Most Emo Sounding Album Title” and overall it is really, really catchy and truly, truly strong. The record will for sure appeal to both older fans seeking early-aughts-guyliner nostalgia and younger MGK Hot Topic kids getting into the post-hardcore world for the first time. We implore you to take the ride through this album’s eleven tracks to prove to you that the band is far from dead and gone.

Play it again: “Tear Me To Pieces”
Skip it: “Sorry About Me”

3. In the Wake of Determination (2008)

Story of the Year’s final major label release and sophomore LP, 2008’s “In the Wake of Determination,” is definitely their “Most Metalcore Sounding Album Title” and respectfully earns said moniker sonically. The band took a big chance in working with revered punk/hardcore producer Steve Evetts for a heavier album a little rougher around the edges than the group’s next-to-be-mentioned platinum debut. This one may have gotten ‘em dropped, and may not have received the best reviews, but at least Story of the Year went out in style, making an album that it seems that the band always wanted to make. Fun opinion: The high harmonies on this LP are hair-raising and difficult to comprehend in the best way. Puberty’s a bitch and so are you.

Play it again: “Take Me Back”
Skip it: “Wake Up The Voiceless”

2. Page Avenue (2003)

2003’s “Page Avenue,” the album that spawned several hit singles for SOTY, is the band’s “Most Nu-Metal Sounding Album Title,” a description that completely makes sense as it was released in the wake of the rap rock boom. The band is likely going to have to play its majority until the day YOU die, and that’s ok because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. Also, “Falling Down” is a hell of a bruising album closer in the way of 90s hardcore with a then-modern twist. Gang vocals are never a bad thing unless they are. Anyway, here’s the last one from the artists formerly known as Big Blue Monkey; we tell no lies.

Play it again: “And the Hero Will Drown”
Skip it: “Divide and Conquer”

1. The Black Swan (2008)

Message to the World: Our favorite Story of the Year release “The Black Swan,” is their “Most Natalie Portman Sounding Album Title,” and if albums were judged like Oscars, this underrated one would’ve won big there too! This record is their first of two for punk conglomerate Epitaph Records, and showcased work from two separate producers: the aforementioned John Feldmann and Michael “Elvis” Baskette. For those terrified that such a creative move would cause the album to meander, wake up: This LP flies elegantly like a dove, and swans and doves are peers, regardless of their color. We digress, but this album sure didn’t. Check it out and re-energize your love for a band returning to form.

Play it again: “Wake Up”
Skip it: “Pale Blue Dot (Interlude)”

Man at Party Ignores Girlfriend to Quote Mitch Hedberg With Random Dude Instead

Posted on by Tim Nash

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local comedy nerd Robert Korey abandoned his girlfriend Jessica Linney at a party to quote one-liners from legendary stand up Mitch Hedberg with a total stranger, sources who knew a few quotes of their own confirmed.

“There I was listening to my girlfriend talk about thread counts or something when all of a sudden I heard the phrase ‘rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something’ from across the room and I immediately dropped everything and made my way towards my Mitch soulmate,” said Korey. “We started out with the classics like ‘I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too’ but then my comedy boner grew even more when this guy knew the deep cuts as well. Didn’t take long to realize he was not just some Hedberg poser. My girlfriend can’t even recite three jokes of his even though I quote them all the time around her. Honestly, Jessica could stand to be a little more Anthony. In fact, we could all benefit from being more like Anthony.”

Linney wasn’t happy with Korey’s lack of awareness of the situation.

“I was mid-sentence talking about my father who recently passed away when something came over Robert and he walked away,” said Linney. “I didn’t see him for another three hours after that. The next time I even heard from him was when he asked if it would be cool if he could sleep over Anthony’s house for the night. They even did that stoner Mitch accent all night. At first I was mad, but then I thought it was great that he could get these Hedberg quotes out of his system with someone other than me. After all, I was more of a Dane Cook fan in the 2000s, which is still a sore subject in our relationship.”

Experts believe common cultural phenomena are an excellent way to bond with new people.

“Never underestimate the power of comedic references,” said psychologist Theresa Gerstein. “Back in the mid- to late-2000s, a lot of white men in their 20s became friends simply by walking around saying things in the Borat voice. A guy could deliver the lines ‘king of the castle, king of the castle’ or ‘my wife’ at a social gathering and yield five, maybe six, new lifelong friends just like that. These phrases were like mating calls but for platonic friendships.”

At press time, Korey was seen talking with a different person at the party after the stranger had quoted a bit from Demetri Martin.

Ketamine Therapy? I’m in Therapy on Ketamine

Posted on by Malia Simon

Lately there has been a lot of hype around this idea of “ketamine therapy”—apparently scientists claim you can therapeutically inject ketamine to treat serious issues like trauma and depression. This is great news, especially since some of us have already been using this method for years: all it takes is going to your mandatory therapy session and already being on ketamine. Tell that to those fancy scientists over at Harvard!

They say you want your dose to be therapeutically administered by a doctor, so today I loaded up on 500 milligrams, a dose therapeutically administered by Doctor Me. Hell yeah!

Apparently, some people can be nervous at first when they take their medicine, which explains why I got those come-up jitters and then passed out for three and a half hours.

As further evidence for the benefits of this healing method, Dr. Hoffman himself confirmed I am making real progress. “You seem like you’re doing great these days,” he said. “Also, I am a couch cushion who just wants to party!”

Another awesome session in the books with Dr. Hoff—or should I say Dr. Couch Cushion.

Now, when I started my ketamine therapy journey, did I necessarily know I was ahead of the curve on modern medicine? Admittedly, no. But did I feel my way towards something great? That’s a yes, which just goes to show you don’t need fancy shmancy research to back up your healing methods. Don’t tell me you didn’t hear it here first when in a few years they also come out with ketamine eating dinner and ketamine going to your best friend’s wedding.

How’s that for holistic healing?

Okay, fine. You really want the truth? I just take ketamine because it’s awesome. You got me. I had no idea about “ketamine therapy” when I started this whole thing twelve years ago in my mom’s basement. Yes, my depression is mostly gone, but I also never had depression in the first place. I’m in therapy for issues related to pathological lying and drug abuse, if you can believe it. But hey! I still think it’s great that modern psychology has removed the stigma around drugs, and it will totally not be undermined by addicts writing columns on the internet.