New Zelda Game’s Firm Place in Timeline Leaves Youtuber Unsure What to Spend Next Year of Life Obsessing Over

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

OSLO, Norway — YouTuber Konleith Narvesen is reportedly at a complete loss following the announcement that the newest Zelda game, Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, would have a firm place in the Zelda timeline.

“This is just ridiculous,” Narvesen exclaimed in a vlog. “Over the years, Nintendo has changed the gameplay, the design, and even Link’s iconic green tunic, but they always made sure to only give us the vaguest of non-answers any time they’re asked about the timeline. This ‘clear cut timeline’ crap is a terrible direction for Nintendo to take the series.”

Narvesen was initially overjoyed at the reveal, but upon discovering that the game was a prequel — set in The Calamity event referenced throughout The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild — he sat in confused silence for the final 10 minutes of his original live reaction video.

“It felt like years of videos where I analyze specific pixels from the trailers and try to connect them to Phantom Hourglass were just destroyed,” Narvesen explain. “It’s like Nintendo just wants me to play the game and enjoy it with no questions asked. Where’s the fun in that?”

Though the revelation came as a shock to Narvesen, some of his subscribers think there’s more to the news than meets the eye.

“Honestly, it’s wild that people are just taking this news at face value. There’s obviously more to it than Konleith realizes,” read a reply to the video left by YouTuber TheShuzBog. “If you follow my theories, then you know that it’s actually the definitive end of the child timeline. Be sure to like and subscribe to NintendoShuz to see several hundred full videos about this!”

As of press time, the news does not appear to have hurt speculation surrounding Smash Brothers content, as multiple videos have been released speculating that the game was somehow further proof that Geno would be the next DLC fighter announced.

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Vast, Empty Field Elects New Mayor

Posted on by Ed Smith

NEWCITY02 — Voters have apparently grown tired of living in a featureless meadow, as a first-time runner has secured a landslide victory after repeated campaign promises of actual buildings.

“I really liked their ‘Let’s Create the Basic Requirements of a Town Where People Could Possibly Actually Feasibly Live’ policies,” explained Ryan Parkinson, an unemployed resident of Blank Development Tile Row 6, Column 4. “I mean, I know we’re supposed to be green these days, but would it have killed the last guy to build just one house?”

Other locals have expressed concern over the incoming administration’s radical plans for reform.

“Has everyone forgotten what happened in NEWCITY01?” asked Helen Broughton, during a meeting at a hovering, semi-opaque outline of a town hall. “First come the houses and the roads, but then before you know it we’ve got four nuclear power plants, ten harbours and the United Nations building. And what about the economy? Right now we have exactly $10,000. This whole ‘buying things’ idea is bound to cause a recession.”

Sources close to the new government have been quick to respond, reminding residents that prior to the election they had literally nothing.

“How did they even have an election?” questioned Jim Clements, general manager of the Mayor’s ambitious new project to construct a small section of road and three pylons. “Who organised it? Where did people go to vote? What were they even doing here?”

Nevertheless, concerns persist, leading overall happiness scores to drop from 50 to an all-time low of 49.

“So we’re going to have houses, electricity, a school, and food now,” continued Broughton. “Well, big deal. We’re also going to have jobs, pollution and a police force. No thank you, I’m moving to NEWCITY03.”

As of press time, the new mayor has began construction on 25 fountains in the shape of a pair of testicles, with a further 35 due added as part of an extension next week. Though unconfirmed at time of press, the Mayor is expected to announce plans for an upcoming zoo, hospital and rollercoaster. 

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Intelligent Bundle of Atoms Made of Stardust Late on Rent

Posted on by Mathieu Boumal

MILWAUKEE — Local conscious living creature Katrina Harris, who consists of an intricate assemblage of atoms made of stardust, reportedly failed to pay her rent this month due to financial difficulties.

“I just got fired,” said the woman who essentially originated in cosmic explosions billions of years ago and then lost her job at Wendy’s for stealing burger patties. “It’s just a temporary situation, though. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“I’m thinking of moving to Minneapolis anyway, since it’s a lot more vibrant there,” added the sentient creature who could live on any of the seven continents of a 4.5 billion-year-old planet, the only one we know of inhabited by living things.

Landlord Greg Baldwin, frustrated by his carbon-based tenant in the past, was annoyed about the late payment in the form of currency that humans created as part of a greater social construct, which he could use in exchange for goods to distract himself from the ultimate fate of the universe.

“It’s not the first time she’s late on rent, and this caboodle of molecules is really starting to get on my nerves,” said Baldwin, who likewise consists mostly of matter created through nucleosynthesis in stars that have since died. “I mean, I don’t see what the problem is here. Isn’t she able to compute complex information through connecting synapses in her brain, enabling her to make a wire transfer with her banking app like anyone else? It’s not rocket science.”

Childhood friend Georgie Lemaitre admitted she’s grown tired of her friend’s lack of responsibility.

“Listen, we get it: you’re at the very end of a lineage that traces back to a single-celled organism 3.5 billion years ago,” said Lemaitre about her friend, whose body is slowly decaying and will eventually feed the earth after her inevitable death. “Big deal. Welcome to the club.”

The conscious collection of remnants of stars is also overdue on her astronomical hospital bills stemming from a surgery after an unfortunate incident in Moose Lake, Minn. in the Milky Way galaxy.

2 Broke Girls Rebooted on OnlyFans

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — CBS executives announced today the return of “2 Broke Girls” as an OnlyFans exclusive, following the success of previous reboots like “Young Sheldon,” horny fans of hack comedy confirmed.

“We wanted to take an idea we already hammered into the ground and give it a new, lucrative twist for the 2020s,” said CBS producer Skip Travis with a rolled-up $20 in his nose. “We think the idea of trivializing two 20-somethings being forced into sex work to make ends meet is a gold mine for humor. Plus, since we already had the template for the show, this required minimal effort to make. We look forward to bringing you Max and Caroline’s wacky new adventures that blur the line between sitcom and hardcore pornography each Monday this fall.”

Show co-creator and comedian Whitney Cummings is excited by the new platform.

“This is a really great opportunity for me not only to take another stab at subpar network comedy but to give it a certain gratuitous smuttiness that never transferred very well from my act to television,” stated Cummings. “I was a bit wary about coming to OnlyFans, but given that the audience will probably be paying more attention to the fucking as opposed to the writing and acting, I think the show’s complete lack of understanding of contemporary Millennial life and jokes that rely on outdated social, gender, and racial stereotypes will do very well.”

“There will also be bonus pay per view features, which will allow top subscribers to turn off the laugh track if it gets too distracting,” Cummings added.

Despite these assurances, critics seemed unimpressed.

“I don’t quite get why this is happening — is this something people were actually clamoring for? I get the appeal of the nudity, but do people really like cumming along with a studio audience?” asked confused TV critic Emily Vanderwerff. “It’s pretty much exactly like one of the countless porn parodies of ‘2 Broke Girls,’ but with much worse jokes.”

Sadly, test viewers have thus far agreed, noting that camgirls “could never afford that apartment.”

Poser Wearing Che Guevara Shirt Can’t Even Name Three of His Songs

Posted on by Stephen Bell

OBERLIN, Ohio — Supposed radical leftist Kristen Dermitt revealed herself to be a total poser today, wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt despite not being able to name any of his songs, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I pride myself on being a true believer in the revolution and a gatekeeper against mindless western capitalism,” said Oberlin student Wesley Wallace. “That’s why when I saw this normie wearing a Che T-shirt, I knew I had to call her out — she couldn’t even name some of his bigger hits like ‘Bulls on Parade.’ Fucking poser.”

However, Dermitt pushed back hard against the “poser” narrative.

“Look, I realize I may not be as big a fan of Che as some would like me to be, but that’s not why I wear this shirt,” said Dermitt. “What is important is that I know what this shirt stands for: without Che, there’s no way we could’ve won the battle of Los Angeles. He’s just a total fucking renegade like that.”

Local historian Erika Katzinberger was contacted to help set the record straight about Guevara’s legacy.

“Clearly, Che Guevera is not Zack de la Rocha, the frontman for Rage Against The Machine,” said Katzinberger. “Though, both have both been on tour in a sense, but in different ways: Zack toured to millions of screaming fans while spreading messages against western capitalism and exploitation through his music. Che, meanwhile, toured the Cuban countryside as he attempted to liberate people from what he viewed as invasive western capitalism and exploitation using bullets. Similar, except in all of the ways they’re different.”

At press time, Dermitt was getting called out by her girlfriend for wearing a Rolling Stones “tongue” T-shirt while still being opposed to going down on her for longer than 20 seconds.

We Sat Down With Legendary Social Media Influencers Depression and Anxiety

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s not every day you get to interview a pair of infamous social media influencers. Recently, we sat down with the iconic and massively influential social media duo Depression and Anxiety. So when both came knocking on our door, unanticipated and very much unwanted on this bleak day where we already didn’t want to get out of bed in the first place, we forced ourselves to muster up some strength to ask a few questions.

The Hard Times: Wow, what an honor. You’ve been such a huge influence on a lot of people out there on the internet, including me. How does it feel to have so many followers?

Depression: Whatever. I should care more, but I just don’t have the energy today. I much prefer to focus on drawbacks anyway.

Anxiety: I have a nagging suspicion based on no evidence whatsoever that my followers don’t even like me.

What are some of the trends you’ve inspired online?

Depression: When someone posts a selfie with their partner accompanied by the caption, “I love us,” that’s just code for, “my existential dread is at an all-time high and this relationship will not end well for either of us.” I would know because I created that.

Anxiety: I straight up invented the phrase, “please like and subscribe,” as a desperate attempt to garner any sort of validity from strangers.

Wow, talk about game-changing. Do you have any thoughts on why people can be so mean online?

Depression: Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m totally here for it, though.

Anxiety: Wait, are you saying I’m mean?

Just curious, do either of you go to therapy?

Depression: Hell no. That would seriously put my online persona in danger. I mean, I hate myself more than anything, but my follower count is astronomical. No way I’m messing with that.

Anxiety: I get the sense you’re just asking because you think I definitely need to go to therapy so for the rest of the day I’ll be preoccupied with why you asked that question and then again at inopportune times in the future.

Who are your biggest supporters?

Depression: Internet entrepreneurs, for sure. The more they say “hustle” and “grind,” the bigger the fan.

Anxiety: Twitter is obsessed with me.

Well, thanks for stopping by. You’re free to leave now.

Depression: Actually, I think I’ll stay awhile. Got any food? I’m pretty low maintenance. I’ll eat frozen pizza without even heating it up.

Anxiety: Yeah, me too. You want to have absolutely no fun and overthink this entire interview for a few hours before ultimately using that frustrated energy to pick some fights online?

Blues Traveler Inducted Into “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PRINCETON, N.J. — Legendary drugstore playlist rock outfit Blues Traveler were inducted into the “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame yesterday after smashing world records for being the most-played musical act at the nationwide pharmacy chain, sources vaguely familiar with the 90s jam band reported.

“This is the most recognition we’ve received since that sponsorship from that bootleg hacky sack company,” said John Popper, lead singer and harmonicist for the band voted 47th-most memorable performance at Woodstock ‘94. “Walgreens has always been a huge supporter of ours, and has unequivocally given us the most radio play in the country. In fact, a large portion of our active fanbase knows us exclusively from this place. It’s just a shame we’re more partial to getting our over-the-counter drugs from CVS. But hey, we’ll take what we can get.”

Customers of the second-largest pharmacy store chain have noticed the frequency of hearing the band’s hit while shopping.

“I hear this damn song every time I step foot in this store… always thought it was Hootie and the Blowfish, though. It all just sort of blends together between announcements about being valued customers,” said customer Jerry Zackfield while standing in line. “I kind of remember Blues Traveling [sic] from the final scene in ‘Kingpin,’ but really only ever hear them nowadays when I’m picking up a prescription for my genital warts medication. And that’s when I know it’s time to put in my Airpods and play literally anything else.”

Experts have long criticized the sheer amount of awards given out today.

“The real prestigious halls of fame get muddied up by the influx of all these lesser ones, like the Walgreens hall, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” said music critic Rachel Cronerburn. “Literally anyone can start up their own hall of fame as a nonprofit organization and start dishing out bullshit recognition points. It’s great for mediocre bands, but bad news for legendary ones. It’s almost like every band you’ve remotely heard of in the 90s needs their own music participation trophy. As a boomer who prefers to withhold acknowledgement, I find it sickening.”

In related news, Rite Aid honored the Goo Goo Dolls with a lifetime achievement award for their rhythm section’s excellence in co-managing a store on Delaware Avenue in Buffalo, New York.

Raccoon City Police Department Bans Controversial ‘Move While Aiming’ Technique

Posted on by Neil Floyd

RACCOON CITY — The embattled Raccoon Police Department has officially banned the force’s unpopular ‘move while aiming,’ technique, Chief of Police Brian Irons confirmed today.

“We’ve heard the outcry and RPD is responding,” said Irons in a press conference earlier today. “We are again requiring patrolmen and S.T.A.R.S members to stand completely still while aiming their service weapon, no matter how many muscular, leather-clad giants are chasing them. And to those who are worried the ban will make Racoon City less safe, allow me to put those doubts to rest. As an American police department, we operate with virtually zero oversight or accountability. We’re still allowed to break into a suspect’s home after finding the unicorn medallion, turn off our body cameras, then plant green herbs on whoever survives. You know, the traditional techniques.”

Irons went on to confirm RPD has no plans to retire the police station’s card suit-based security system, which the city’s Office of the Inspector General once called “complete bullshit.”

“It’s about fucking time,” said Elza Cottman, head of Racoon City’s largest law enforcement watchdog group. “The cops in this city were bad enough when they had the turning radius of a stoned cruise ship and forgot how to walk whenever they drew their guns. I even saw a few of ‘em running around with rocket launchers. How many domestic disturbances is a cop going to de-escalate with a rocket launcher?”

“Anyway,” continued Cottman, “those pigs’ jobs became so much easier after they could move while aiming. The RPD quickly became the scariest thing in the city, and we’ve got zombie dogs in the forest and a giant alligator in the sewers. Maybe now that move while aiming is banned, our community can focus on more important things, like trying to remember which doors we haven’t unlocked in our houses yet.”

At press time, the RPD was attempting to contain a riot that had broken out due to the announcement of a county-wide ink ribbon shortage.

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Police Desperate to Solve Murder Case Decide to ‘Ask Madden’

Posted on by Zack Zwiezen

DENVER — After exhausting all other leads and possible suspects, stumped Colorado law enforcement officials turned to the famous football coach, video game icon and color commentator John Madden to solve a recent homicide, officials confirmed Sunday morning.

“We really had hit a brick wall in the case,” said Denver Police Department captain Ronald Hillson. “Then a couple of days ago, one of the younger cops who plays a lot of PlayStation games suggested we ‘Ask Madden.’ So we did.” Hillson contacted John Madden’s publicist and to his surprise got a response back instantly and learned that Mr. Madden was headed to Denver to help police solve the case. 

After arriving, sources say Madden was taken to the crime scene by police where he began using his years of football commentary experience. Using an iPad, Madden took photos of the house and then began telestrating a theory of what he believed happened. 

“As you see over here, the killer walked by this couch and then, boom! He hid the knife under it,” explained legendary NFL coach and commentator John Madden while circling the couch with a red pen and talking to a detective who was with him. “What a move. Pro move. This guy knows what he’s doing. This isn’t his first rodeo.”

After finding the well-hidden knife, police had their first big break in the case. The knife was covered in fingerprints and led police to David Banner, a 34-year-old Walmart Manager who was a friend of the victim. 

“It really helped when [Madden] drew out the plan on a chalkboard,” explained Police captain Hillson. “He suggested we try a Statue of Liberty play that turns into a Flea Flicker, all in the shotgun formation. We weren’t sure how it would go, but we were able to apprehend the suspect and take him into custody. Good thing we asked Madden!”

At press time, the Denver Police Department regretfully announced that they had since lost ground in solving the case after an officer fumbled the murder weapon, which was then recovered by the suspect who was able ot pick it up and flee the scene.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

AR-15 Starts Onlyfans, Bankrupts Midwest

Posted on by Nariko Ott

DES MOINES, Iowa — An AR-15 semi-automatic rifle started an OnlyFans page for itself last week, the overwhelming popularity of which led to a rash of Midwestern states declaring massive budget shortfalls for the year.

“I mean, we’ve had businesses like Wal-Mart or Amazon come in and extract money out of the community before, but nothing like this,” said Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson. “It’s just, like… overnight, everyone went broke. Unfortunately, unless people can curb their online spending, the only thing left for us to do is end a lot of social programs people rely on to try and make up the difference. It’s sad. I think this is the first time a gun has ever negatively affected people.”

Firearms fans, however, were quick to stand their ground online.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about other people! It’s my right as a man and as a patriot to enjoy looking at guns. #AllLivesMatter #MAGA,” tweeted @John254836472 in a thread. “I’m a God-fearing heterosexual man, and I’m paying to look at pictures & short videos of a semi-auto doing things my .45 would never dream of, and that’s my right! I mean, she’s wearing a bump stock for goodness sake. Good Lord! #WWG1WGA.”

Despite the polarity created by the page, the rifle meant no harm, according to its public relations representative.

“This AR just wanted to bring attention to OnlyFans, and to normalize 2A rights & brandishing weapons in general,” AR-15 spokesperson Danny Leon said. “She just wanted to fire off some pictures wearing sexy accessories to the internet — an extended clip, a red dot scope, a collapsible stock, etc. It’s not the rifle’s fault. Really, it’s people who are hurting people here.”

“Can’t blame folks too much, though,” he added. “I mean, that AR is sexy as hell. I’d let that gun bust a few in me, if you know what I’m saying. Pew! Pew! This is off the record, right?”

OnlyFans is reportedly considering changing their user policy to implement a 10-day waiting period before starting a new account.

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