Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Bad Jack White Tattoo Also Great Cher Tattoo

Posted on September 22, 2020 by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local punk Kyla Waters has spent the past 24 hours trying to decide if her roommate’s new tattoo either looks nothing like Jack White or exactly like Cher.

“My roommate showed me his new tattoo after coming back from the shop yesterday, and when I told him I didn’t realize he was such a big Cher fan, he looked confused and kind of upset,” said Waters. “If it’s a Jack White tattoo, it fails on every level. It’s a much better Cher tattoo — nearly perfect even — but there are still enough Jack White elements to land it in the uncanny valley. It’s an almost perfect midpoint between Jack White and Cher… which is something I’m not sure man was ever meant to see, and now that I say it out loud, is also likely a collaboration in the works.”

Tattoo artist and massive Cher fan Vince Gurdy admitted that a mix of inexperience and personal bias contributed to the tattoo’s confusing design.

“Normally tattoos of celebrity faces are no-go for me because they’re not my forte, but this guy was determined to get a tattoo of the White Stripes guy, and insisted on getting it from me, so I gave it my best shot,” said Gurdy. “But then ‘Believe’ came on the radio, and I guess just gravitated toward my queen, and instead of drawing Jack White, I drew an unholy combination of him and Cher. It’s hard to look at, but at the same time it’s undeniably sexy, and it may also be my masterpiece.”

Thankfully, Cher made herself available to give her opinion on the tattoo.

“It’s like looking in a blurry mirror. It’s very close to looking like me. Everything seems right, but something just feels… off,” said the pop music icon. “Obviously there’s some resemblance between us — I’ve signed enough ‘Elephant’ vinyls to prove that — but this is different. It almost looks like the movie poster for ‘Face/Off,’ but in addition to Nicolas Cage and John Travolta, you toss in me and Jack White, and possibly a young Elvis. I’m as flattered as I am repulsed.”

Compounding the confusion, Waters’s roommate allegedly also has a Meg White tattoo that somehow looks like Sonny Bono.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: No Smoking

Posted on September 22, 2020 by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

Nik returns from the woods to discuss how he would choose Randy Newman over Brendan in a game of death.

Geneticists Raise Ethical Questions After Successfully Creating Echo Fighter of Sheep

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

EDINBURGH, Scotland — In a huge scientific breakthrough that also raises many ethical questions, geneticists at the University of Edinburgh’s Roslin Institute announced yesterday that they have successfully created the first echo fighter of a sheep in a laboratory, sources confirmed.

“This is the very first time that an echo fighter has been created from the cells of a living creature,” said lead researcher Dr. Caitlin Strauss, Ph.D., noting that the two sheeps share many of the same physical attributes and attack animations, but have distinctly different appearances and sounds. “The original sheep was named Louise, so it’s only natural that we name the echo fighter Dark Louise.”

The scientific community has yet to come to a consensus of whether giving life to echo fighters from the living tissue of other creatures is ethical.

“This is definitely murky territory,” said Martha Cyert, Ph.D, chair of the Stanford University Department of Biology. “If this kind of technology became widespread, it could be easily abused. Just look at how many echo fighters there are in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate alone. Seven! And that’s the work of a single man! We need to be responsible with this technology and really think about our actions or else the population density could become as bad as Ultimate’s character select screen.”

At press time, Dr. Cyert warned further that genetic experiments could eventually lead to the rise of “designer babies” whose traits are selected through some system similar to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’s Mii Fighter creation interface.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Gamer Needs to Gamify Playing Video Games In Order to Get Through Gaming

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PHILADELPHIA — Local gamer Carla Ward reportedly needs to trick herself into finishing video games by gamifying them in order to get through her daily gaming sessions.

“I love video games, but I hate playing them. That’s why I needed a system to gamify gaming for myself,” explained Ward in a viral Reddit post. “I have set up a system for myself where I give myself points every time I complete a task in a game. If I wrack up enough game points, I reward myself with a small gift, like buying a new video game. This incentives gaming for me and makes it easier for me to get through all my video game chores.”

The post quickly gained traction on Reddit, garnering thousands of comments from those looking to gamify video games for themselves.

“Gamifying weight loss was such a good strategy for me, so I can really see this working for gaming as well,” said u/Mayonetta92. “I don’t know what it is, but something about making things more like a video game really tricks my brain into getting things done. So I can totally see how applying that strategy to video games would get me to finally do it. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?!”

“This is such a smart fucking idea. Someone should make an app,” said u/GregGeralto. “I have so much fucking gaming to get through and gamifying it would realllllly help me get to the bottom of my backlog. I just worry I’ll have to gamify taking the time to gamify my gaming.”

At press time, Ward finally got through all her gaming so that she could get to the good stuff: complaining about video games on Twitter.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo in Panic Mode After Microsoft Acquires Luigi

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has reportedly entered a full state of panic with executives blindsided after Microsoft announced that it had acquired Luigi.

“How is this even possible!?” shouted a panicked Shigeru Miyamoto. “Buying all of our trusted third party partners is one thing, but now they’re taking my own painstaking creations right out from under my nose? Who even authorized this!?”

The news came shortly after Microsoft announced it was finalizing plans to acquire publishing giant Bethesda. In a second press release later in the day, the Microsoft blog added it had come to terms with a deal to make Luigi the new face of Xbox, noting that the Mario brother has shown his true colors for decades by wearing Xbox green.

“We are thrilled to welcome Luigi to the Xbox family,” said Gaming at Microsoft Vice President Phil Spencer. “With premier services like Xbox Game Pass and xCloud, players will now be able to experience Luigi anytime, anywhere. We just don’t think fans got that kind of versatile accessibility with the Nintendo Switch.”

In retaliation to the deal, Nintendo says it has prohibited Microsoft from using Luigi’s last name, Mario, which Nintendo still owns. Instead, Microsoft says Luigi’s new legal name going forward will be Luigi Cortana.

“Maybe it’s our own fault,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “Perhaps if we treated Luigi with the respect and care he deserved, he’d still want to work with us. We plan on changing how we treat our property going forward and will put more time and energy into all of our characters, like Mario, Link, and…. Uh…. shoot, what’s her name?”

To get around having to scrub the now inaccurate “Brothers” usage from the franchise’s history, Nintendo plans to retcon Waluigi into Mario’s canonical brother.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

The Definitive List of Animals We Think Trent Reznor Wants To Fuck You Like

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Journalism is all about specificity. So when it came time to analyze Nine Inch Nails’ ’90s love anthem “Closer,” we took a deep dive into the lyric, “I want to fuck you like an animal.” Particularly, what the hell kind of animal Mr. Reznor wants to make love to you like. After doing a bunch of research by watching National Geographic programming and a slew of YouTube videos we can’t unsee, here’s the definitive list of animals we think Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like:

Pig – Nine Inch Nails have songs called “March of the Pigs” and “Piggy,” and it’s a well-known fact that Trent’s favorite fable is “The Three Little Pigs.” Wait, did the pigs fuck the wolf? I haven’t read it in a while. Either way, curl your finger and put it behind your lower back because we think Trent Reznor wants to hit that, piggy-style.

Dog – Trent has bigtime “I breed dogs as my side hustle” energy, which would also mean he watches them fuck a lot. A LOT. We think.

Ferret – There’s a line in the song, “it’s your sex I can smell,” and if you’ve ever known a guy that owned ferrets you know their place constantly smells like hot steaming fecal matter. Just like sex.

Monkey – There’s a monkey in the video. Is that a clue?

Cat. Garfield, specifically – Word around our office has it that Trent heats up a big plate of leftover lasagna after a heavy night of animal-inspired sex and has a strict “no intercourse on Mondays” policy. Possible connection?

Snake – If anyone knows how the hell snakes can actually fuck without arms or legs, you know it would be the guy who wrote the lyrics “I drink the honey inside your hive.”

Bees – See aforementioned “hive” lyric.

Harambe – Not really. Just want to take a quick pause to remember this legend.

Punxsutawney Phil – This groundhog can absolutely get it.

Animal from the Muppets – It was right in front of our faces this whole time. He wants to fuck you like Animal.

Man Who Used to Live in Crack House Weirdly Braggy About it

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man and alleged former drug addict Kyle Drury is “weirdly braggy” about the apparently darkest, most terrifying experience of his life living in a “totally real” crack house, incredulous sources confirmed.

“I prefer not to talk about my past much… but, yeah, I used to live in a crack house. People I’ve never seen came in and out all the time; there was no running water; the whole place smelled like piss. But I barely noticed because back then I was doing, like, all the drugs, you know? My life just revolved around tonguing that brown tiger, you feel me?” said Drury. “Does it make me tough as hell for having survived life in a crack house and subsequently a total badass for getting that monkey off my back? That’s not for me to judge. But most people think it’s true. So there’s that.”

Coworker and occasional drug user who “doesn’t make a big deal about it” Amy Bennett questioned Drury’s showing-off.

“Usually, former addicts don’t lead with that in every single conversation they have… and if they do, it’s because they’re trying to convert you to Christianity. The fact that he never misses a chance to bring it up is pretty suspect. And besides, we work in a restaurant — everyone in the front of the house is either nursing a hangover, periodically taking bumps in the bathroom, or both. So who cares?” said Bennett. “One time I started grilling him about what he was actually addicted to, and he started naming crazy shit I never heard of, like ‘crush,’ ‘ice,’ ‘fizz,’ and ‘squirt.’ It wasn’t until my shift was over that I realized he was just pulling names from the soda fridge behind me.”

Drury’s former addiction counselor Anya Whitaker claimed she saw no evidence that Drury had an issue or “ever ingested any narcotics, ever.”

“During group therapy, he would get visibly squeamish if someone mentioned needles. He would also frequently remark that the stories were ‘bummers’ and request someone tell a ‘happy drug story,’” said Whitaker. “It became obvious very quickly that he did not have a drug problem. He was just a young man who enjoyed laying about our very expensive, upscale rehab clinic. But, his check cleared, so…”

Drury has been kicked out of his mother’s home after she found out he told neighbors that the 61-year-old preschool teacher is a “crackwhore” and “former drug mule.”

Help! I Started Masturbating While Working From Home and Now I’m Only Attracted To Excel Spreadsheets

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Kaitlin Crow

Working from home is hard. Really hard. Day in and day out I would stare at my Excel spreadsheets for months on end without human contact. Eventually, in my loneliness and isolation, they began to provide me comfort. Soon, I started seeing Excel in a new way.

This is hard for me to admit, but Microsoft Excel spreadsheets are the only thing that can turn me on anymore.

The supple curves of Calibri. The way it gently tells me there’s an error in my formula. Microsoft Excel is a saucy little minx. Even the name is hot. “Spreadsheets.” Yeah, spread those sheets. Bill Gates knew exactly what he was doing when he named this program.

It started simple. Sums. Medians. Means. It was vanilla, but you have to start somewhere. After a bit, I moved on to sorting and conditional formatting, but those were just band-aids. I was looking for something hardcore. That’s when I found pivot tables. I could stuff as many numbers as I wanted in there. Sometimes when I was feeling particularly wild I would add graphs in addition to the tables. Some of my worksheets would get to 20-30 tabs. Jesus, how did it get this bad?

I thought I had it under control. I tried to keep my Excel usage to work hours only, but I downloaded the app so I could get my fix any time. I tried to get my boyfriend in on it, but he doesn’t even know how to do a VLOOKUP. I left him when he told me he only used Tableau. Disgusting.

I tried to wean myself off of Excel but nothing has worked. My therapist advised I give Tinder a try but people just don’t have the sexy, precise grids of Microsoft Excel. Hypnosis was promising for a few days but the functions crept back into my mind and my hand crept back into my pants.

If anyone knows how to sexually deprogram someone, please email me. Or, better yet, share me on a Google Sheet.

Sonic Youth Weaponized Against Upstairs Neighbor

Posted on September 21, 2020 by Jason VanSlycke

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — An artistically noisy altercation between neighbors escalated yesterday when Sonic Youth’s “Confusion Is Sex” was cranked to full volume and used as an offensive weapon, neighborhood sources who had never heard so much feedback in a recording confirmed.

“It’s like he’s training for the furniture-dragging Olympics up there. I kept hitting the floor with a broom, I tried knocking on their door… nothing worked. So, yeah, I cranked up that early Sonic Youth, and it started shaking the windows. Man, if I can’t take a nap, no one here can,” said noise rock instigator Andre Ramos. “The ceilings in this shitty building are paper thin, so I know they’re feeling that abrasive, experimental, early SST Bob Bert-era Sonic Youth coming through the floor at full blast. They must think an airplane is taking off below them.”

The upstairs neighbors criticized the choice of well-crafted yet chaotic art rock weaponry.

“I didn’t know I was making noise — it’s not my fault they didn’t give me carpet on a second-story apartment,” said neighbor Norah Pichelli. “And while I can appreciate Sonic Youth’s early lo-fi noise stuff, I really think it would be best to use their DGC catalog as a weapon. There’s better production and fuller sound on those albums, and they’re working with so many genres. That’s the kind of stuff that will bleed through a wall and get someone’s attention. He could have just texted me, though — we were already planning on getting beers later. It didn’t have to come to this.”

Apartment manager Lisa Bethana noted that volume wars have become an increasing problem, due to affordable, high-quality sound systems and the resurgence of noise-rock fandom.

“I understand wanting to fight fire with fire, so to speak, but it’s annoying to the other neighbors, and it also ignores the quiet subtleties of late-era Sonic Youth,” said Bethana. “Their albums of intricate, post-rock grooves they made as a five-piece at the top of their game are forgotten when it comes to albums you can crank up and enjoy while also pissing someone off. I love Steve Shelley’s thunderous drumming as much as the next person, but he’s also capable of making some quiet, meditative grooves. I think blasting that would make everyone happier.”

At press time, officers were called away from the scene to deal with someone holding up a bank with My Bloody Valentine’s “Loveless.”

Photo by Brett McCabe.

New Zelda Game’s Firm Place in Timeline Leaves Youtuber Unsure What to Spend Next Year of Life Obsessing Over

Posted on September 20, 2020 by Liam O'Malley

OSLO, Norway — YouTuber Konleith Narvesen is reportedly at a complete loss following the announcement that the newest Zelda game, Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity, would have a firm place in the Zelda timeline.

“This is just ridiculous,” Narvesen exclaimed in a vlog. “Over the years, Nintendo has changed the gameplay, the design, and even Link’s iconic green tunic, but they always made sure to only give us the vaguest of non-answers any time they’re asked about the timeline. This ‘clear cut timeline’ crap is a terrible direction for Nintendo to take the series.”

Narvesen was initially overjoyed at the reveal, but upon discovering that the game was a prequel — set in The Calamity event referenced throughout The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild — he sat in confused silence for the final 10 minutes of his original live reaction video.

“It felt like years of videos where I analyze specific pixels from the trailers and try to connect them to Phantom Hourglass were just destroyed,” Narvesen explain. “It’s like Nintendo just wants me to play the game and enjoy it with no questions asked. Where’s the fun in that?”

Though the revelation came as a shock to Narvesen, some of his subscribers think there’s more to the news than meets the eye.

“Honestly, it’s wild that people are just taking this news at face value. There’s obviously more to it than Konleith realizes,” read a reply to the video left by YouTuber TheShuzBog. “If you follow my theories, then you know that it’s actually the definitive end of the child timeline. Be sure to like and subscribe to NintendoShuz to see several hundred full videos about this!”

As of press time, the news does not appear to have hurt speculation surrounding Smash Brothers content, as multiple videos have been released speculating that the game was somehow further proof that Geno would be the next DLC fighter announced.

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