Opinion: Nu-Metal Albums Just Don’t Hit the Same When They Aren’t Edited Walmart Versions

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Whether they say it outright or not, people who claim to enjoy Nu-Metal in 2023 are only saying so because of nostalgia. Hell, they aren’t even getting the best of what Nu-Metal had to offer when listening to classics like Godsmack or Coal Chamber on Spotify or iTunes. Because to the best of my knowledge, those platforms only provide the unedited, profanity-laced versions of Nu-Metal classics, presented the way the artists truly intended. And that shit is whack.

It’s impossible for me to believe anyone could truly enjoy Limp Bizkit’s “Significant Other” through anything other than a portable CD player with an edited CD your parents bought you from Walmart. “Everything is” what, exactly, Mr. Durst?

Think about it in a horror film sense. Nothing compares to classics like Halloween or Blair Witch Project because those directors didn’t need to show all the gore and splatter. No, they allow the viewer to manifest the terror in their own minds. Now, think about that with Nu-Metal. When Sully from Godsmack says, “Better ____in’ Go Away!” in their hit song “Whatever,” I believe the vagueness of the edit leaves the power of the profanity in the listener’s hands.

I mean, is he saying, “Better DOGSHIT Go Away?” or “Better SUCKMYBALLS Go Away?” “Better FUCKINPISS?” Who knows? But the mystery works better than being in your face about it.

Say you’re at a small office party and you’re asked to put on some tunes. Everyone’s had their fun, so it’s time to get the real party started with some rock music. “Y’all Want a Single?” by Korn comes on. After about 15 seconds into the song, you see the horrified look of your boss and coworkers as they look at your Bluetooth speaker. He’s clearly yelling “Say FUCK That!” Now you’re jobless all because you didn’t play the acceptable version where he says, “Suck That!” Now you know why Walmart wanted to protect you from those dirty words all those years ago.

If you’re going to do nu-metal, do it right and keep all those cuss words out of it. That sort of profanity always took away from the truly deep, heartfelt meaning of the genre in the first place.

Real Life Willy Wonka? This Meat Processing Plant Owner Only Employs Small Children

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Whether you’ve read the books or seen the movies, there isn’t a single person alive who doesn’t wish they could visit Willy Wonka’s fantastical chocolate factory in real life. But what if you could visit the next best thing?

We recently took a tour of a meat processing plant in Arkansas, and the sheer amount of children employed here will make you feel like you’re strolling along the chocolate river with all the Oompa Loompas. They say a little bit of magic goes into every piece of hardwood smoked bacon, and these kids are making it happen, with fingers small enough to unclog the meat grinders.

Now before anyone freaks out, the CEO (a colorful character I might add) assured me that these children are here of their own volition and not purchased from a local orphanage, despite what some investigative journalists claim. He’s just a billionaire recluse who keeps a tight lid on his food factory with little to no oversight. Sound familiar?

Look at them in their little Tyvek suits! It’s just like the scene where they’re zapping the candy bar into the TV, except with more pig entrails. The real highlight is to see them sing and dance, especially after each workplace accident. It’s surprisingly effective. Nothing will distract you from watching someone get impaled on a meat hook like several eight-year-olds hitting the griddy. Hats off to the boss man for cultivating such a whimsical killing floor.

When you think about it, a workforce of vulnerable, impressionable children is the most efficient way to operate a windowless warehouse of animal carcasses. Do you think a grown adult would thrive in this environment? They’d probably just try to eat everything in sight and get gout and end up bloated Violet Beauregarde. Not only that but employing a small army of kids slashes operating costs in half when the CEO can just pay them in whatever leftover meat scraps don’t make it to the packaging department.

When you think about it, the enigmatic proprietor of this factory slaughterhouse is doing these kids a favor. Like how Willy Wonka rescued the Oompa-Loompas from the vicious predators that stalked Oompaland, these kiddos are safe from our nation’s dangerous public schools, movie theaters, and playgrounds.

Though if you too get to take the grand tour, don’t let the kids trick you into drinking out of the “river”. It wasn’t chocolate like they said.

Sellout Busker Earns $3.60

Posted on by John Danek

VENICE BEACH, Calif. — Acoustic guitar busker Shelly Martinez is questioning her artistic authenticity after receiving a whopping $3.60 for one day of busking, fellow musicians reported.

“Famous people always say that success changes a person, but I never understood that until I counted the cash in my ratty-ass gig bag after four hours of playing and singing,” said Martinez, whose ancient acoustic guitar is mostly wood filler at this point. “Do you know what this means? I can order a McDouble for $3.20 and add shredded lettuce for 29 cents, the ‘broke person’s Big Mac.’ But now I’m afraid money is clouding my judgment. I added more covers of Sublime into my setlist because that seems to get me the most coinage. I’m really going to have to do some soul-searching to see if I’ve become another corporate stooge.”

Fans of Shelly’s creative fingerstyle guitar renditions are doubting her ability to stay true to the music after this financial windfall.

“She’s a sellout, plain and simple. I will plug my ears with my fingers whenever I walk by her on the boardwalk,” stated Max Dorren, former contributor to Maximumrocknroll. “Make no mistake about it– if you accept money in any form to create or perform music, you are a piece of shit. Shelly is dead to me. She is exploiting an art form for financial gain. When you think about it, she’s basically committing genocide.”

Music industry insiders are secretly competing to sign Martinez in the hopes of creating the next Jewel.

“I know talent when I see it, and my pupils had big-ass dollar signs in them when I strolled past Shelly Martinez,” said VP of Talent at RCA Records Thomas Huber. “She’s going to be huge. I’ll sign her to a mammoth 8-album, $200 record deal that she can’t possibly get out of legally. Of course, recording budgets will come out of that, so she’ll be in debt to RCA until 2077. But I’ll make sure she writes music fitting for Volkswagen commercial royalties, so it’ll all be fine. Or not. I don’t care.”

At press time, Martinez was utterly devastated when she realized she forgot to account for sales tax when attempting to buy her pseudo-Big Mac.

Son, There Comes a Time in Every Metalhead’s Life When They Must Start Sewing Patches on Their Vest Themselves

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Listen, Barth…err I mean “Agramon,” your mother and I love you very much. We are both so proud of the kvlt metal staple you’ve become in your internet heavy metal community, but we both think it’s about time you take it upon yourself to start patching up your battle vest on your own.

Now don’t get us wrong, your mother and I have enjoyed taking virtually every weekend for the past 20 years to make sure your Dissection and Bathory patches are in prime, non-poser locations on your vest, but now that you’re 34 years old, we just think you’d benefit from taking pride in your own work for once.

And don’t go bothering gam-gam to sew for you, her orderlies have agreed to ignore any attempts of you reaching out to her.

Anyways, learning to use the sewing machine could be super fun! Plus, all of your metal idols patch up their own vests! You are well aware of the fact that Fenriz has fans in droves that would literally kill for a chance to patch up a battle vest for him. But you know what? He chooses to do it himself when he’s sober enough to do so because he knows that’s the only way trve metalheads do it. And don’t you want to be trve, son?

And Arga, we can’t sit here and deny the fact that your baby sister Sheila has done a killer, all-Iron Maiden patched vest and she’s just graduating middle school. Don’t take this as a jab towards you, son, but she’s sewing at an expert level in the 8th grade, while your mother and I are putting the finishing touches to your vest while you drink beer and play Skyrim all day.

I know it might be difficult to see the issue here, but you’re an adult, and it’s time to start sewing band patches on your vest in cub scout uniform fashion like one.

Opinion: It’s Never Too Late to Start Over Unless You’re Over 35

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Just about every study reveals that 9 out of every 10 Americans are unsatisfied with where they are in life. But there’s good news! It’s never too late to start over, begin a rewarding career, and find true happiness. Unless you’re over the age of 35. In which case, pack it in.

Sure, you can try to hit that reset button if you’re getting up there in age. Just remember that the world is no longer your oyster if you’re old enough to have rented “The Pelican Brief” from Blockbuster in 1995. That ship has sailed.

Plus, starting over is hard. You’ve got bills to pay. If you vividly remember the Clinton administration, 9/11, or worse yet, the Macarena, you should absolutely stop Googling “how to become a sports broadcaster for the Chicago Bulls with little to no experience.” Stick it out with what you’ve got.

It’s not your fault either. Society just isn’t ready for an elder intern whose sole job is to post memes on the company’s social media account. It’s not you. It’s them. And Twitter. Also TikTok. Facebook is your home now. Embrace it.

Starting over also means you’d have to possibly accept an entry-level position and take less money with no medical benefits. You’d need to consult your lower back pain and monthly car payment before making these types of swooping life changes.

And now that you’re at the age where you think about a 401(k) and actually know what that means, it’d be really hard to put that on pause and start that Etsy shop where you sell decorative throw pillows in the shape of Danny DeVito’s face. Is the potential for happiness really more important than compound interest?

Look on the bright side. If you’re 35, you only have 30 more miserable years before you retire and then a couple more years after that until you croak. Actually, that’s a really long time. Go ahead and start over. What else are you going to do?

Scholar Reveals Early Draft of Mozart’s “Symphony No. 40 in G Minor” Included Skits

Posted on by Tim Graham

BOSTON — Berklee College of Music professor Edwin Bruckner recently compiled several examples of humorous, offensive skits that had originally appeared in the compositions of Mozart and other classical composers, according to titillated colleagues.

“One of the newly restored skits which appears after Number 40’s second movement features Mozart as the proprietor of a butcher shop. When a comely young maiden examines his wares, he boasts about how the sausage he offers is the biggest and best in all of Vienna, and suggests she sample it,” said Bruckner. “This sort of vulgar innuendo is typical of Mozart’s humorous braggadocio. Contemporary examples of self-aggrandizing comedic musical interludes, such as those by the Wu-Tang Clan, can draw a direct line of influence to the groundbreaking work of Amadeus and his peers.”

Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra second chair cellist Andrea Breen believes adding the comedy bits back would generate buzz and help energize the classical world.

“Obviously, I love classical music, but I can also understand some of the criticisms levied against it. People accuse classical of being boring or too high brow,” said Breen. “I think if conductors were to re-incorporate these ribald bits into the pieces, we’d see younger, more enthusiastic crowds coming to our performances. I’m a purist, so I want the compositions to be presented in full, crass sketches and all. My favorite is the one where Mozart is counting a big stack of money, ruthlessly denigrating his rivals while his entourage laughs—it would absolutely kill if people could hear it.”

Mozart biographer Antonín Gruber believes he knows why the skits have been largely forgotten.

“In my years of research, I’ve managed to piece together a compelling case pointing the finger at Mozart’s musical rival Antonio Salieri as being the scoundrel who instigated the mass-excision of skits,” explained Gruber. “Salieri was a notoriously rigid and humorless fellow with a pathological jealousy of Mozart’s compositional genius as well as his comedy writing ability. After Mozart’s death, he convinced conductors that skits were low class and should be omitted. Eventually, due to his influence, classical skits fell out of favor all together and composers stopped writing them. They’ve been effectively lost to history.”

At press time, Bruckner had been hired to consult on an upcoming Rachmaninoff performance which includes a scene dramatizing the composer horrifically taunting and torturing adversary Alexander Scriabin.

boygenius Asks Motherfuckers in the Back to Maybe Not Cry So Loudly

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Supergroup boygenius asked fans at the rear of the audience to lower the volume of their sobbing during a recent show at the Bronze Horse Nightclub in Highland Park, attendees confirmed.

“We appreciate that our music has such an intense effect on you, and we don’t want to police your fun,” said Phoebe Bridgers as the group was preparing to introduce their new single “Not Strong Enough.” “It’s just that we’re trying to open up the pit, and it’s hard to get pumped when we can hear you all bawling back there. This makes a good 50 consecutive shows of this. It’s like we’re putting out the wrong vibes or something.”

Jeremy Brooks, a fan whose eyes were still wet with tears from the show, said he appreciated the way the band communicated with the audience.

“They really make you feel like you’re part of the whole experience, like you matter as an individual,” said Brooks. “Like at one point, Julien Baker was just yelling at everyone, ‘Get on your fucking feet!’ Then she pointed directly at me and said, ‘Especially you. Security told us that if you collapse into the fetal position one more time, they’re going to have you removed.’ I’ve been to a lot of shows, and I’ve never felt that kind of connection with a band before.”

Bronze Horse owner Calvin Steadman said he had been excited for the band’s performance, but would be hesitant to host them again without a revised contract.

“I had never worked with this promoter before, but when they mentioned boygenius, I was all in. My kids love them and they put on a hell of a show,” said Steadman whose club hosts a wide variety of acts. “The fans, though. We weren’t ready for them. I’m used to seeing people get banged up in the pit, or maybe a fight or two breaking out, but I’ve never had anyone slip on tears until tonight. And that’s not even mentioning the snot. My guys are asking for hazard pay. Unless the band agrees to cover the cost of cleanup next time, I just can’t have them back.”

After the show, sources reported that Lucy Dacus held the microphone out for the audience to sing the refrain of “Bite the Hand,” only for a fan to grab it and launch into a tearful monologue about how the band’s music had saved her.

5 Economic Disparities You’re Immune From Since You Can Afford Two Shirts at the Merch Booth

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

TWO shirts? Are you kidding me? Haven’t you heard about all the inflation going on right now? And you know the merch is more expensive because the venues are taking a cut too, right? Obviously, only the elites are safe, but I had no idea they hang out at punk bars by the railroad tracks! I bet your biggest problem is deciding which yacht you’ll drive to the show because you clearly aren’t semi-bankrupting yourself paying for childcare, tickets, merch, and two PBRs on the same paycheck.

Since you’re unaware of your privilege, here are 5 economic disparities you’re immune from since you can afford two shirts at the merch booth.

Homelessness
You know not everyone lives in a palace, right? It’s unlikely you can afford extra merch because you’re couch-hopping or about to get evicted for doing something stupid like spending your rent money on tee shirts. Must. Be. Nice.

Climate Change
You can purchase clothes in bulk, so you’ll have no problem layering up when the next ice age happens. While the rest of us use paper sacks and dog pelts to protect us from the arctic apocalypse, you’ll be toasty in your cashmere Periphery crewneck and leopard skin Knocked Loose longsleeve. Who cares about nuclear winter when you’ve got high-end merch?

Childhood Poverty
Your family has a hall named after them at Yale, and it shows. While everyone else was wearing hand-me-down sneakers in elementary school, you were shopping at Shoe Carnival. I bet you even had a pair of rain boots and actual OshKosh B’Gosh overalls. Asshole.

Food Insecurity
Wait! You got stickers, too?! buying $40 worth of shirts plus stickers in one stop means you regularly feast like a king. There’s no way you ate less food every night this week to be sure you could buy some band tees and a couple of cheap beers tonight.

Wage Inequality
Is that a record under your arm?! Holy fuck! You know, women and people of color often make less than their white, cishet, male counterparts?! If I, an unemployed white male with a criminal record and unchecked mental health problems, can’t afford it, you must be a part of the upper 1%.

I bet you even tipped the merch guy, didn’t you? You know what, I hope those shirts fit you like shit, you rich bastard.

Review: The Clash “Give ‘Em Enough Rope”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. This week we reviewed The Clash’s sophomore album “Give ‘Em Enough Rope” and, damn is it nasty!

The album marks a significant departure for the Clash. Whereas their first self-titled album remains an early landmark of the heavy social and political themes that would become ingrained in the punk rock ethos, “Give ‘Em Enough Rope” is about one thing and one thing only: fucking.

Many of the tracks on the album describe, in vivid, sweaty detail, specific erotic events in the lives of the band members. The band sets this up immediately in the first track “Safe European Home,” in which Joe Strummer explains the sense of security and community he felt while visiting a German sex dungeon.

Other tales of erotic adventures include “Stay Free,” which describes Paul Simonon getting good and sloppy on a nude beach somewhere. Also, on the sillier side of the spectrum, “Drug Stabbing Time,” recounts the time the entire band all dunked their dong in methedrine and had an impromptu “sword fight” while on a break from recording.

But the album’s standout track is “Tommy Gun,” an imagined story about a boy named Tommy who can only ejaculate by having someone fire a cannon directly at his genitals. Though this is tame by later GG Allin standards, for the time it was the most transgressive of punk songs.

Though it’s unclear why the Clash decided that, for this album, they would eschew the established punk song content upon which they had previously built their image – though it can be safely assumed that they were significantly more horned up this time around, and frankly it’s a vast improvement. There are only so many rants against Margaret Thatcher that can be listened to before you kinda just wanna hear about what she looks like naked.

So, that’s “Give ‘Em Enough Rope,” the Clash album that answers the question “what if Joe Strummer played guitar with his taint for every song?”

SCORE: 4 out of 4 methed-up English dongs

Drone Metal Zumba Class Burns Four Calories

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

EAST LANSING, Mich. – Attendees of Fit4Life Athletic Club’s Thursday night Zumba class featuring a drone metal playlist burned a total of approximately four calories, denim-clad participants confirmed.

“I didn’t think Zumba was for me until I tried this class,” said metalhead Amelia Walters, who was wearing a spiked military-grade jacket completely absent of sweat. “When ‘Rise to Glory’ started playing, the moves actually got really intense. We took two sort of big slides to the left and then half a turn, all during the same song. Whew. Luckily there was a nice cooldown right afterward when we did some salsa to the beat of ‘Lullaby of the Leaves’ and then got a water break.”

Witnesses estimated the class participants took more than eight minutes to complete a single merengue step pattern.

“At first I thought they were having a weird funeral for a dead personal trainer or something in there,” commented Fit4Life gym regular Cole Sorriero, who had peered through the glass at the hunched-over, freakishly slow-moving “dancers” at several points during his weightlifting routine. “Maybe it was for that guy with the tattoos who always looked sort of bummed out? But I don’t know. Wait, it has to be for a prank video, right?”

Alberto “Beto” Pérez, founder of the popular fitness dance program that typically burns between 300 and 900 calories per session, weighed in on the new structure of his class.

“Zumba is proudly designed for all ages and backgrounds, and we welcome everyone,” stated Pérez, becoming increasingly disgusted as his assistant showed him a concert video of sunn O)))’s “Mocking Solemnity”. “But seeing the tragic footage of the so-called ‘drone’ class, I am utterly and fully repulsed. I cannot even speak to how insulting this is, they just sit there grimacing most of the time and occasionally nodding their head. A few of the people in the class were oepnly drinking beers. This should be a joyous and fun workout, and here these people are, barely even moving. Despicable!”

At press time, Fit4Life had responded to gymgoers’ requests for a “more challenging” workout by replacing the Thursday drone metal Zumba class with grindcore Zumba.