Willie Nelson Crashes Girls Sleepover to Get Hair Rebraided and Check Out Snack Situation

Posted on by Chris Bratton

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Country music icon Willie Nelson was spotted at a local sleepover for 7th grade girls to get his hair rebraided and grab a few refreshments, confused sources reported.

“Beckie throws one hell of shindig! I’ve always found sleepovers, quinceaneras, and sweet 16s as convenient stops to get my braids touched up, meet some salt of the earth folk, and satisfy my sweet tooth,” said Nelson. “We played this game called MASH which predicts your life, and apparently I am gonna be a Scuba instructor living in a mansion in Antarctica with 16 kids! The snack selection was unreal too. Dunkaroos, Gushers, Nerd Ropes, Laffy Taffy! I was riding a sugar rush so high I couldn’t get my shaky hands into the paper fortune teller when it was my turn to go.”

Edmunds Middle School student Becky Pederson’s sleepover was now at legendary status after welcoming the unexpected guest.

“My dad called him the red-headed stranger but seriously he is my gray-haired new best friend,” said Pederson. “When I was fixing his braids I told him about how this boy Derek at school broke up with me on our two-week anniversary. No cap, he called him up pretending to be his soccer coach and told him he was cut from the team. I had never heard any of his stuff on TikTok but he played us some songs and outlaw country is bussin!”

Trend expert Stephen Lawry has highlighted other celebrities who frequently stop by the homes of regular people.

“We started seeing this a few years ago with homeowners hanging ‘Bill Murray can crash here’ signs in the front of their houses. Then some metalheads found an easy way to meet their heroes by leaving their garage open displaying a bunch of free weights inside,” said Lawry. “But as far as Willie Nelson, don’t lose faith if you don’t have tweens to do his hair in your household. Always remember that he loves weed too, so if you leave out little bags of pot on your doorstep, you might have a chance Willie visit that will blow up your Instagram.”

In related news, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich reportedly crashed a middle school field day, made his three-legged race partner cry, and left with all the juice boxes.

Opinion: There Are Too Many Posers Having Fun at Shows These Days

Posted on by Kevin Tit

I’m a real one, bro. Been around since back in the fucking day. So when my little brother wanted to see Sum 41, I was happy to go with him and show him the ropes. As soon as I got there though, I had a frightening realization. There are so many posers at shows nowadays and, even worse, they’re all having fun!

Is it just me or are there more posers around than before? When did people start having fun and jumping off the stage? I swear to God people don’t know how to act anymore. I remember back in the old school you had barriers between the rocking crowd and the band. Nobody moved. You crossed your arms, bobbed your head, and gave the occasional devil horns when you simply couldn’t contain yourself.

The place was huge and there were no authority figures around to keep the posers in line so, like the DIY mother fucker I am, I took matters into my own hands and told on them to a security guiard. I mean, if y’all wanna rock in that manner then at least be safe about it. Unfortunately, the security guard was apparently a poser too, and told me “it’s a rock show, deal with it.” I have half a mind to report this to some sort of manager. The local “School of Rock” band opened the show. Maybe they have a principal I can talk to.

All I’m saying is if you’re gonna be a poser and you come to a show, the least you could do is not have fun.

Did Limp Bizkit Predict the Future? Because Everything Is Fucked and Everybody Sucks

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Is Fred Durst a prophet speaking to our generation about the horrors of living during the decline of the American empire? Did Limp Bizkit presage such events as the pandemic, the collapse of the middle class, and irreversible climate change with a single song that is less than three minutes long and kicks fucking ass and is called “Break Stuff”?

Looking at life today it’s never been more true that everything is fucked. Fascism is on the rise along with hate crimes, bigoted legislature, and that guy from Staind.

As the stock market moves according to that “he said she said bullshit” the rich get richer while the poor are left with a fat lip. The conditions of the working class can cause depression and aggression. Rising rents and stagnant wages have us all feeling like a freight train.

When Nu-Metal poet laureate Frederick Durst wrote the line “no human contact and if you interact your life is on contract” we all should have started planning for a global pandemic. For those of us who contracted Covid the sentiment “I feel like shit, my suggestion is to keep your distance cause right now I’m dangerous” could not ring truer. “Six feet apart” would have been better marketed as “your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker!”

Of course, Limp Bizkit’s prescience wasn’t limited to the career-defining pop-music pinnacle that is “Break Stuff.” A further dive into their lyrics reveals such grim predictions as “hate is all the world has ever seen lately.” If only we heeded their warning.

Today we’re all familiar with “ACAB,” but it was Durst who wrote “fucked up cop with a fucked up badge” at the turn of the Millennium, long before the recent mainstream exposure of the police abolition movement, in “Hot Dog,” his epic treatise on modern life. It is indeed the most important diagnostic of a flawed society since Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. We must act now to change our course before that grim night comes when the world breaks our proverbial face.

Basement Crowd Murmurs Haughtily After Announcement That Role of Guitarist Will Be Played by Understudy Tonight

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

PEEKSKILL, N.Y — Audience members of last night’s Lurch Haus show were reportedly heard grumbling audibly at headlining band Xeroxer’s announcement that an understudy would be fulfilling the role of Guitarist, kerfuffled sources confirmed.

“When they made the announcement, I almost tore up my homemade program right then and there. I don’t pay extra for box seats to see some, if you’ll pardon the vernacular, no-name hamfist their way through Xeroxer’s set,” said Lurch Haus season ticket holder Isadore Brunchibald “Buttcrack” Van Fife. “I’m just relieved I left my opera glasses in the carriage, as I clearly won’t be needing them tonight. Nothing to see here, that’s for certain. I do say, it’s good we’re in a basement, as I can’t imagine this scene sinking any lower.”

Understudy Wreginald P. Snippsley reports feeling nervous at the idea of filling the shoes of Xeroxer’s star guitarist Frank Rumphert.

“I dare say, I was trembling with nerves since the moment I heard I’d be ‘trodding the linoleum’ in the stead of our beloved lead guitarist. But, if stardom t’wouldst ever perchance be within my grasp any night, than this…THIS surely would be that night,” grandstanded Snippsley, while sinisterly re-waxing his mustache. “Shame that Frank fell quite so ill, though. Ugh, and so suddenly, at that! I heard t’was a poisoned beer can that did him in…and they never caught the culprit, tsk tsk…Oh well, the show, as they say, must go on!”

Music historian Lila Pynes remarked that many famous musicians got their start by putting in grueling hours as understudies.

“It’s a lot more common than you think. I’m talking about big names, like Iggy Pop! Huge understudy success story,” said Pynes. “He would be wallowing in obscurity now if the Stooges’ original singer hadn’t gotten in that steamroller accident before their big first gig. Understudies are hungry. Their desire to perform can sometimes be deadly. All I’m saying is…maybe check that beercan for mustache wax fingerprints.”

After the performance, Snippsley was dismayed to hear booing as he came out for his curtain call, though many in attendance attest to simply booing the notion of a curtain call happening at a punk show at all.

Just Because I’m Afraid of My Own Doorbell Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Kick Your Ass

Posted on by John Danek

Listen up, motherfucker. I heard what you said. Oh, you think I won’t fight you because I freeze for 40 full seconds anytime my doorbell rings? To quote Judas Priest, a band I find too intense for my sensitive ears, “You got another thing coming.”

Sure, whenever I hear my doorbell, I come to a dead stop and wait for the potential serial killer who rang it to walk away. I’m afraid that if I move they will see the light shift under the doorframe and know I’m there. Or I’ll step on a particularly creaky floorboard and my cover will be blown. This time, it was just an Amazon package. But next time? Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers might show up to have a party with my dismembered body. But that doesn’t mean any of you can fuck with me.

I’ll have you know that if I’m in the kitchen, sometimes I grab the really big knife and hold it menacingly. I think about whether I could actually plunge it into an attacker’s chest. I always realize that, no, I could not. I don’t think I could kill even in an act of justified self-defense. But I’ll still fuck you up with these here hands.

I sleep with a baseball bat at the edge of my bed and every night before I go to sleep, I pray I don’t have to use it. Hell, even batting cages give me the willies. A click in the heating duct in the middle of the night? Almost certainly the end of my life. But that doesn’t mean I can’t kick your ass. I’d just prefer to do it in the daytime when it’s less spooky.

So when it comes time to throw down, I won’t hesitate. But no shots to the face, neck, torso, arms, legs, or pelvis region. And please know that I will be crying the whole time.

Guy Who Just Put Box of Records on Curb Self-Conscious Nobody Taking Them

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

EASTHAMPTON, Mass. — Local music snob Larson Cheek is extremely anxiety-ridden over the fact that nobody has taken anything from the box of free records he put out on the curb so far, according to many annoyed sources.

“I don’t understand it! I know for a fact there’s tons of top shelf stuff in there. Super rare mono garage 45s, limited-edition pressings, factory-sealed 180-gram stuff. My idiot neighbors are ignoring a treasure trove,” said a nerve-wracked Cheek, while wringing his hands and periodically glancing through the blinds. “I’ll be honest, I’ve even gone out a few times to add stuff I know is worth thousands. But STILL people amble on by it, shuffle through the records, and keep on strolling. It’s got me questioning my whole musical taste. Oh my god, do I…suck?”

Surrounding neighbors report an intense ill-will towards Cheek’s snobbery, which has resulted in an agreement to mess with him.

“That guy is such a dweeb. I’ve seen him go out and check to see if any of his stupid records have been taken, like it’s a badge of honor. I’ve walked by around six times acting like I’m considering taking one, just to toss it off to the side, and relish the muffled screams coming from his bay window,” snickered across-the-street neighbor Melanie Akins. “Even brought my dogs out to make him scared they might mark their territory on the box. The whole neighborhood’s joining in, and it’s actually been a wonderful bonding moment for the community.”

Decorated psychologist Dr. Wallace Graves explains that Cheek’s obsessive behavior is not uncommon in people of his ilk.

“It’s not only an obsession, but a compulsion in these hipsterish millennials who are defined by their media interests. They need you to respect their taste,” said Dr. Graves. “And when it’s called into question, in this case by ignoring what this young man thinks is great art, it can send one spiraling. My question is, why put something you enjoy out on the curb in the first place? Seems to me, that indicates it’s crap. But, hey, what do I know? I’m just a highly respected psychologist, not a Discogs admin.”

As of press time, Cheek was admitted to a psychiatric facility following a breakdown from witnessing a child take only the cardboard box from the curb to use for a diorama.

Review: 100 gecs “10,000 gecs”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

There are few groups working currently as divisive as 100 gecs; hailed as either progressive geniuses or derided as irony-poisoned shitposters, their genre-defying sophomore release “10,000 gecs” will only further that critical gap. 

In order to best review this album, I felt I needed to really get into the gec headspace. Do a little method acting, if you will. Learn what it’s really like to be Laura Les and Dylan Brady. 

I started off with enacting the root of the 100 gecs brand, their namesake, a piece of band lore that is just insane enough to maybe work: buying literally 100 geckos from a pet store. These little guys cost me like, $800, and then I had to go get a bunch of tanks and fake rocks and shit to make them suitable homes. And a lot of live mealworms, which is weird and upsetting as a vegan. 

Once I got my new army of reptiles set up, which, for the record, took several weeks, I then sought out to purchase a replica of the iconic wizard costumes worn by Les and Brady during performances. The robe and hat also cost me $800, so now this review has put me $1600 in the hole and I’m really desperately trying to justify this as research on my reimbursement request. 

Now for the final part of my foray into inhabiting the gecs—the ritual. I clothed myself in their garb, surrounded by my geckos, and shotgunned three energy drinks for good measure before lighting the sacrificial incense. Crazily enough, hidden in the liner notes of this album is an incantation to summon the demons of hyperpop, and you can bet your ass I’m ready to do this.

Here goes nothing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chris Carrabba Goes on “Undercover Boss” to Meet Rest of Dashboard Confessional

Posted on by Ted Pillow

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Dashboard Confessional frontman Chris Carrabba will don a disguise and hang out with the rest of his band on an upcoming episode of the CBS reality show “Undercover Boss,” confirmed shocked sources.

“I was so excited for this chance to get to know some of my employees, uh, I mean bandmates,” Carrabba explained while simultaneously scribbling furiously into a diary and staring into a mirror without blinking. “You might know me as Dashboard Confessional’s lead singer, rhythm guitarist, and the only member allowed on the tour bus. But, more importantly, I’m also the band’s CEO. I went on ‘Undercover Boss’ because these guys, they’re doin’ a hell of a job back there and I wanted to give them a pat on the back. And also fire their asses if they talk shit about my new fedora!”

Although Carrabba was thrilled to appear on CBS’s long-running primetime series, the other members of Dashboard Confessional were confused by the arrangement.

“I found it shocking that he apparently doesn’t know who I am, considering I’ve been in the band since 2003,” opined bassist Scott Schoenbeck. “If he really wants to meet us, I wish he did it as himself and without all this bullshit. We all knew it was Chris with that fake mustache pretending to be a VH1 intern. It was pretty obvious considering he spent the entire time talking about how Dashboard has such incredible vocals and lyrics, but that the lead guitar, bass, and drums are mixed too loudly on the records. If he wanted to hide his identity, he should’ve at least taken that ridiculous hat off.”

Although the episode has yet to air, CBS is reportedly pleased with it and eager to invite more bands to appear on the show.

“Chris makes for absolutely riveting television,” exclaimed “Undercover Boss” executive producer Murray Weiner. “Most of the bosses who come on the show are on their best behavior, so it was refreshingly authentic to have this little pretty man come on and berate his drummer for drinking one of his LaCroix. We definitely want to have other frontmen on the show. We’d love to introduce Adam Levine to Maroon 5, for example. Even better, we could bring Trent Reznor to the factory where they built his touring lineup!”

As of press time, news of Carrabba’s appearance had prompted the band The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus to confirm they will be on an upcoming episode of “Naked and Afraid.”

Tattoo Artist Promises to Respond to Year-Old DMs for Twenty-Seventh Time This Week

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

PITTSBURGH – Popular tattoo artist Lee Steinbeck took to their Instagram stories to apologize for neglecting their unread DMs for nearly the thirtieth time in a seven-day span, sources who are getting tired of this shit confirm.

“Please, please, just be patient with me, you guys. I’m so sorry for leaving you hanging. If you’ve sent me a booking request via DM, I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can,” Steinbeck said to their 12,000 followers only minutes after their previous apology. “I’m just one person trying to essentially run a business, and I just joined a softball league so between practice, games, and time at the batting cage I’m stretched pretty thin. Plus as you already know, my pet turtle is potentially going to be featured in a calendar, and the logistics of that are taking a toll on me. I know I’m on here all the time making excuses, but please know that I’ll be messaging everyone back to get you booked. I’m so bad at this, really.”

Steinbeck’s prospective clients were not entirely moved by their requests for patience and understanding.

“Look, man, I get it, you can’t be working 100 hours a week. But I see Lee on stories apologizing about not responding to messages literally four or five times a day, every fucking day,” said potential client Andrew Altman. “I sent them a message a year and a half ago asking to get a piece of flash they’d already drawn, and never heard back. I kind of can’t help but wonder if it would be easier for them to reply to people who are legitimately offering to give them money if they didn’t spend hours upon hours creating heartfelt pleas and apologies, and instead used that time to send a simple ‘sounds good, when works for you’ to the throngs of prospects in their inbox.”

Sasha Palmer, a historian who works at the Three Rivers Tattoo Museum, weighed in with her expertise regarding this kind of behavior.

“While I understand why clients are frustrated with the direct message model of booking, and the inability for artists to message back in a timely manner, the truth of the matter is that this sort of thing has been happening as long as body modification has been part of society,” Palmer said while gesturing to several framed papyrus fragments on the wall behind her desk. “Even in ancient populations, sought-after artists and practitioners became increasingly impossible to contact. We have first-hand accounts of folks looking to receive traditional cultural tattoos expressing their anger that the only person who did said tattoos would disappear for months at a time, and then completely blow off the queue for the equivalent of a Friday the 13th special.”

At press time, Steinbeck announced that they will now be using Jotform for booking requests and asked for a meager 52 to 104-week window to reply.