Guy Wishing for Class War This Christmas Will Settle for a Decent Panini Press

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.

“Given the fact that the whole country is fixated on the killing of that United Healthcare CEO and since it has opened the eyes of so many working-class folks to how the disgustingly wealthy oppress us in every facet of our lives, I just know this is our year,” Karnes said. “I’ve dropped hints to all my friends, my mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, and I even sent an email to the CEO of Orkin saying that this year, he and all his other bloodsucking, rich cronies are toast. It’ll be a real Christmas miracle! But, um, in the event of government interference, I have a few other ideas.”

Audrey Karnes, Jullian’s mother, feels guilty her son may not get his wish, but believes he’ll be more than happy with the alternative. 

“Oh, I just hate to see Jullian get his hopes up like this. He’s done nothing but listen to Angelic Upstarts and go on Reddit to talk about working-class oppression with his internet friends for weeks,” Mrs. Karnes stated. “When I typed ‘class war’ into Amazon, I didn’t find anything remotely close to waging war on rich oligarchs. I did however find him a really nice panini press that burns the Crass logo into the bread. That’s just going to have to do until more Americans open their eyes to the bastards that grind us down.”

Working-class historian and scholar Jada Munson explains how many holiday stories originally had strong pro working-class messaging. 

“For a holiday that has become a cesspool of capitalist consumerism giving the illusion of happiness while bosses rake in record profits across the world, it’s pretty ironic stories like ‘Frosty the Snowman’ were originally set out to be the very antithesis of those things,” Munson stated. “Very few people know Jack Rollins was a staunch working-class activist, and he came up with the song while dodging the bullets of company finks when he wasn’t slaving away in the coal mines. But CBS thought it would be more marketable if it were about a snowman and not killing coal bosses. It’s a real shame.”

At press time, Audrey Karnes was seen wrapping her family’s gifts with

Hot Topic Employee Traded to Ann Taylor After 25th Birthday

Posted on by Cory Cousins

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local angsty teen goth hang and ironic t-shirt purveyor Hot Topic traded one of their employees to the more age-appropriate Ann Taylor this week after celebrating her 25th birthday.

“My shift started out pretty great,” noted recently released employee, Anna Gonzales. “My co-workers were really sweet and got me a cake to celebrate my 25th birthday. They even got me a few presents, but I knew something was up when I opened them. It was all pantsuits, cardigans, and blazers. I was expecting something along the lines of a denim Hello Kitty skirt, fuzzy platform boots, and a My Chemical Romance hoodie. It’s like they wanted me to cosplay as an old boring person or something. Then they started shepherding me out the door chanting ‘LOFT’ and I knew it was all over.”

Hot Topic manager and “Nightmare Before Christmas” Funko collectible enthusiast Draven Ravenscroft provided an insider look.

“We at Hot Topic believe that all of our employees should be able to explore new horizons at other retailers after their 25th birthday. Plus, they’re just fucking old,” replied the 19-year-old Ravenscroft. “We really have to consider our clientele. I mean, who would want to buy their Grinch mini-backpacks and spiked eyebrow barbells from some decrepit ghoul in their mid-twenties? No thank you. So we send our aged-out employees to Ann Taylor and in return they set us up with a case of unused safety pins. We go through those things like crazy.”

Further investigation into the little-known rite of passage of mall employees from Hot Topic to more age-suitable retailers revealed that there have been some rocky transitions in the past.

“Oh yes, I remember it quite well,” regaled local Hot Topic historian Luna Thornsberry. “About twenty years ago, an elderly employee refused to move on, so mall security sedated her with a goblet of absinth, put a lavender cashmere sweater on her, and assisted her to Ann Taylor. Next thing she knew, she was selling leather tote bags and plaid blanket scarves to suburban moms. You really hate to see things go down that way so publicly.”

At press time, corporate lawyers successfully made a deal with Talbot’s and Lane Bryant to help displace the abundant rapidly-aging Hot Topic workforce.

Opinion: There Are Dozens of Songs About Wanting to Fuck Santa But I Write One Song About Getting Snowplowed by Frosty and Suddenly I’m Banned From Caroling

Posted on by Matt Husser

Go through the Christmas carol canon and there are dozens of songs about wanting to to fuck Santa Claus. “Santa Baby.” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I only hear snippets of ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ in the background at shopping malls, but I imagine it’s probably about Santa spreading his festive seed all over town in one carnal night. Based on the sheer number of songs celebrating Santa’s fanciful fornication, his reindeer should be getting bonus pay for dragging his big ol’ yule hog around the world. Point is, Christmas songs are full of lyrics about getting dicked down by jolly ol’ St. Nick. I just find it a little hypocritical that if you write one song about getting snow plowed by Frosty the Snowman, suddenly you’re on the naughty list and get banned from caroling at the local old folks’ homes.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Frosty? That’s right, his powdery-soft badonkadonk that puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Christmass.’ I know nothing gets me into the holiday spirit like a festive jingle about Frosty busting it down snow-angel style on some freak shit, but apparently the Puritan brigade at my choir found the title ‘Frosted by the Snowman’ in poor taste. These old bastards survived the Great Depression and a World War, you think they can’t handle a song about getting blizzed on by the world’s sexiest snowman? Ageist if you ask me.

Just look at the original lyrics to 1950s Frosty the Snowman: ‘Thumpety thump thump,
thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go!’. The subtext is clearly about Frosty taking someone’s mom to plow town while the kids are busy outside playing in the snow, they just couldn’t come out and say it back then or they’d only play your songs in underground jazz clubs in New Orleans. Only difference between that song and mine is I have the snowballs to come out and sing about Frosty’s voluptuous curves in great detail.

We haven’t added a new classic Christmas carol since Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, and I think it’s because we’ve pumped both that well and Santa dry. It’s time we added a little spice to caroling, stopped censoring brave artists, and finally celebrated Frosty’s sexual prowess with a tasteful five-minute power ballad about the legendary round mound of pound.

Black Metal Christmas Carolers Only Reach Three Houses Before Murdering Each Other

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another, mystified sources reported.

“It was our mission to invert the perverse faith of the Christians and convince them that they are helpless to the evil that pervades this dying planet,” gasped lead singer Tom Brafton as he was dying of multiple stab wounds at the hands of his drummer. “Such evil is channeled perfectly in our music, which provides the filth necessary to corrupt the purity of the Christ child that infects this neighborhood every holiday season. It’s unfortunate that the infighting over which of us is more ‘kvlt’ really came to a head while we were caroling. Our bassist Erik couldn’t get out of his shift at Wingstop to join us, so I at least hope he makes a necklace out of bits of my skull.”

Neighborhood resident Lisa Derlione was baffled at what she had witnessed.

“I could hear them from down at the end of my street, which is apparently where they had begun,” Derlione reported. “It was this really high-pitched shrieking that I found extremely unpleasant. In between the shrieking I could hear these guys audibly bickering about which of them ‘harbored more hatred for the Nazarene.’ I have no idea what that was about, but by the time they were next door their arguing had clearly devolved into violence. What’s crazy is the sound of them dying is the exact same as the sound of them singing.”

HOA Board Member Jamal Stelnick offered his insight on the situation.

“The minutes from our last meeting made it explicitly clear that all metal bands were forbidden from caroling this Christmas,” Stelnick said angrily. “After all the chaos that resulted in past years, we decided on an ‘only clean singing’ rule that would preclude all of the baggage that comes with extreme caroling. We only just finished cleaning up all the beer and vomit littering the sidewalks after the thrash metal caroling debacle from last year. And I thought I had my hands full with all these decorations that aren’t up to specifications.”

At press time, a new group of pop punk frontmen decided to resume the caroling, seeing as how they had to travel door-to-door to notify residents of their presence in the neighborhood anyway.

Nation’s Pop Punk Violinists Still Holding Out for Post-“Ocean Avenue” Boom

Posted on by Matt Oriente

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Pop punk violinists around the nation are still patiently waiting for their instrument’s popularity in the scene to explode following the “Ocean Avenue” boom in the early 2000s, sources confirmed.

“A lot of people feel the violin is this very prim and proper orchestral instrument, but when you think about it, isn’t it just like a tiny guitar you put on your shoulder and play with a bow?” said Rory Flinn, a still-aspiring punk violinist. “When ‘Ocean Avenue’ was released in 2003, I really thought this was our moment and that so many doors would open. The most it amounted to, though, was some guest spots on various projects, but even then it was mostly playing a moody violin intro. Yet here I am, still playing the same old ‘Violin Concerto No. 2 in B Minor.’ Or worse yet, I’m asked to be in a Dave Matthews cover band. I really picked the wrong instrument to learn in fourth grade.”

Sean Mackin, current violinist for Yellowcard, is just as surprised the string instrument hasn’t caught on.

“I think we can all agree that Black Flag would be greatly improved with a few fiddle parts sprinkled in here and there,” explained Mackin. “Just think, violins don’t have frets—unlike guitars—how punk rock is that? I mean, sure, it can be complex—proper bow speed, pressure, and angle make the margin of error so great that it takes years of practice to lower that margin even just a little. I can’t quite explain why it hasn’t been more popular among pop punk bands.”

Brad Selle, who has made a life’s work of documenting niche instruments in punk bands, isn’t all that shocked at the violin being effectively left out of the genre.

“You really only have to go so far as Yellowcard themselves, or Motion City Soundtrack and their Moog, or every ska band and their horn sections,” said Selle. “These instruments were cool at first, but eventually, they became boondoggles—a logistical nightmare. Imagine getting pretty far into the songwriting process only to realize, ‘Oh, crap. We didn’t account for the violin.’ All of these bands go through a time where, if they aren’t completely nixing the instrument, they’re certainly mixing them down on the records.”

At press time, the rest of the members of Yellowcard had to be reminded they still have a violin player in their band.

Help! I Snuck Into My Parent’s Closet to Peek at Christmas Presents and Found a Fursuit

Posted on by Tim Sheard

So far, winter break has been pretty cool. I was really excited for Christmas, and I know Mom and Dad hide presents in their closet. When they were out on date night and the babysitter was distracted by the TV, I decided to sneak in to take a peek at what they got me.

When I first saw what was in the closet, I was so confused. Why would they get me this for Christmas? I already have a lot of stuffed animals, and my Zootopia phase was a few years ago. I also thought it was weird that the big tiger was wearing a “Furapalooza 2022 at the Long Beach Convention Center” t-shirt.

When I asked Mom and Dad about the big tiger in their closet later that night, they sat me down and tried to explain. They kept saying over and over that despite what some people say online, it’s not always a “weird sex thing.” So I asked, “What’s sex?” Then we had another uncomfortable conversation.

Once they finished explaining where babies come from, I asked about the oddly voluptuous husky that was next to the big tiger. Mom and Dad looked at each other, and quickly said, “Wouldn’t you rather open the gifts Santa brought?” I asked, “Wait, how did Santa’s gifts get here before Christmas? And why are they coming out of your closet?” Then we had a third, difficult conversation. I learned a lot that night.

After I finished crying, I decided I’m okay with my parents dressing up as animals. To show them, I drew a family picture with them in their fursuits. They said it was the best fan art of their fursonas they’d ever seen. I don’t know what that means and I’m scared to ask, but I think they liked it.

So, I had a pretty chill winter break other than that. Mom and Dad said that if I don’t tell my friends that they’re furries, next year they’ll get me twice the presents! How cool is that? So after I read this essay aloud to the class at show and tell, my lips are sealed!

Trump Administration Poised to Remove Federal Protections for California’s Last Known Aquabats

Posted on by Matt Oriente

SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats.

“It’s wasteful. Why would we protect something that hasn’t been relevant since the late ’90s?” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “The liberals destroying this country with these DISASTROUS protections want your kids to be able to put on a mask and costume and identify as an ‘Aquabat’! These aren’t good people! Only VERY BAD PEOPLE wear masks: rapists, drug dealers, raccoons, luchadores — and ska bands!! I will repeal these protections IMMEDIATELY! MAKE AMERICA LESS THEATRICAL AGAIN!”

Trump’s statements have left Dan Leathman, president of the Aquacadet Preservation Society, deeply concerned about the broader implications.

“The Aquabats aren’t the problem. The protection itself isn’t the problem. The problem is the message this sends to the people most affected by the protections,” Leathman said. “And that message is: If you wear a mask and express yourself artistically through things like music, then you are no longer a ‘real’ band. He wants his definition of what constitutes a ‘band’ to become the law of the land because it benefits those bands closest to Trump. He absolutely wants to rid this country of anything that reminds people of the prosperous late ’90s. Trump would rather his friends in groups like Avenged Sevenfold and Imagine Dragons provide the soundtrack for this dystopian, late-stage capitalist hellscape.”

Diana Larue, a spokesperson for the ACLU, explained that while this type of promise isn’t new for an incoming president, it remains alarming.

“Quite a few presidents have vowed to repeal protections and regulations in a similar way,” said Larue. “In the past, we’ve seen other incoming presidents promising to repeal protections for The Hippos found in LA County and the rare Squirrel Nut Zippers in North Carolina. Very rarely do these proposals gain traction, but with Trump, it very likely could. And if that happens, it sets a dangerous precedent for years to come. Where would it end? This could be an entry point to start attacking other mask-wearing entertainers like team mascots—or GWAR. And GWAR won’t go quietly.”

This weekend, Leathman and his organization plan to hold a rally in front of the Del Taco in Huntington Beach, California.

Seven Items From This Venue You Can Steal During the Show for Last-Minute Holiday Gifts

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

So you’re broke, it’s almost Christmas, and you forgot to buy gifts for everyone. Great news! Turns out that show you’re at right now is a perfect one-stop shop.

“But I can’t afford merch!” you’re saying. Of course you can’t! Let the suckers buy up the $40 t-shirts. With these genius free gifts, we guarantee your family and friends will be in awe as they exclaim things like, “Huh?”, “Kinda gross”, “Dude, did you steal this from the show last night?”, and “You idiot, you know there are security cameras there, right?”

Duct tape

Let’s start with an easy stocking stuffer! Snag a whole roll from the stage between sets. Maybe even two rolls — one for your dad’s basement workshop, and one for your girlfriend’s nightstand. If that’s too much work, just peel off a few pieces of tape wherever you can and stick them together until they look like something. Anything.

Glass

Another no-brainer. Don’t even rinse them — let that fragrant beer and spit residue give your lucky recipient a full sensory experience. And if there aren’t any real glasses at the show? Santa is totally cool with plastic cups, too. The clock is ticking, and Santa doesn’t have all day here. Cheers!

Sign

Now, a show poster is obviously ideal, but let’s broaden our horizons. That fire marshal certificate stating that occupancy by more than 250 persons is unlawful? Boom, Merry Christmas to your artsy friend who will ponder its deep meaning. The damp cardboard scrawled with “Toilet clogged, do not use” taped to a stall door? Also a great gift. You ingenious elf!

Bassist’s water bottle

Come on, he’s not working that hard. He doesn’t need to hydrate and everyone hates him. Splurge alternative: Didn’t your cousin say his band needed a bassist? Steal this loser AND his water.

Really big speaker

We admit it, this gift requires a lot more effort and there’s a decent chance you’ll get caught. But you owe your roommate big time after the “BBQ incident” this summer, and a solid subwoofer could go a long way. Hopefully by the time the venue goes dark because you pulled the wrong cord, you’ll already be scurrying out the side door.

The column right behind the pit

All right, time to go big or go home. Be the king of Kwanzaa, the hero of Hanukkah, and maybe the cause of a catastrophic building collapse. Imagine the look on your mom’s face when you tell her how you lovingly knocked that column down yourself, bit by bit, as everyone evacuated the venue and the cop car sirens grew louder. Besides, it always blocked people’s view of the stage, so everyone should be grateful it’s gone.

The band’s album

Kidding! Don’t you dare. Stealing from an artist would be downright immoral. Just go home and send a link to the album on Spotify. You still didn’t have to spend any money, and now you’re helping a massive company steal from the band instead. Problem solved!

Scientists Predict Earth Has Only 10 Years of Beatles Documentaries Left

Posted on by Julien Perez

LONDON — A group of scientists from the British Institute of Music Technologies released a bombshell report predicting that unless drastic measures are taken, the world will only have 10 more years of new Beatles documentaries.

“We have reached a critical moment in history,” said Dr. Linda Thorne. “Due to egocentric human activities, there’s just enough unused footage to last another decade, barring another Peter Jackson-level event, of course. Thanks to films like ‘Good Ol’ Freda’ which covers the life of Freda Kelly, the secretary of the Beatles Fan Club, nearly every possible angle of the Beatles has been explored. I’m sorry, but the world does not need two films highlighting the Beatles’ journey to India yet ‘Meeting the Beatles in India’ and ‘The Beatles and India’ exist. I just hope God is kind to us on judgment day.”

Ryan Miller, a self-described Beatles super fan, wasn’t surprised by the news.

“I knew from the moment ‘Ringo Starr: One of Them’ was released that we were all doomed and there was no undoing human civilization’s past documentarian mistakes,” said Miller. “The ‘One of Them’ film tries to discuss the life of Ringo yet is only 42 minutes long and even then it felt stretched. The signs have been all around us. How can I bring a kid into this world knowing he’ll never be able to watch a brand-new Beatles documentary? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

Young auteur director Jasper Quinn refuses to believe the planet is in such a dire situation.

“This is the natural ebb and flow of nature,” said Quinn. “Sure, I might be the one to use up all the remaining Beatles footage for my own artistic endeavors but it’s my belief that in 40 to 50 years from now things will return to the way it was. Am I a Beatles documentary change denier? You bet. But that’s only because you can’t believe everything scientists tell you. Do your own research and you’ll find it’s actually the government that controls the Beatles footage. We’ll be fine.”

As of press time, Starr issued a statement offering to provide tour van lodging and green room snacks as payment to any young filmmaker interested in following him during his upcoming tour.

Meet Cute? I Tried to Grab a Cop’s Gun and We Both Can’t Stop Blushing After Our Hands Briefly Touched

Posted on by Matt Husser

When I left home to become a big-time mall Santa divorce attorney in New York City, I never thought I’d end up back in my hometown on Christmas. But Daddy was struggling with his jingleitis, and after Mom passed from that tragic tinsel factory explosion he promised he’d never sell the family business. And ever since the GrinchMart moved into town, demand was low for his world-famous artisanal taxidermied squirrel Christmas tree toppers. So there I was on Christmas Eve working at Mom & Pop’s Xmas Squirrel Tops, when Officer Caleb walked in.

I always had a crush on Caleb, but I left for State College University before I ever found out if he felt the same way. Immediately there were more sparks than that tragic tinsel factory explosion that killed my Mom. But just as we started to reconnect, my high school nemesis Madison walked in. I knew she was going to try to steal Caleb away from me, so I knew I had to act fast. If my pro-bono work as a defense lawyer for underprivileged elves has taught me anything, the quickest way to get an officer’s attention is to reach for his service weapon.

‘My, what a big, strong gun you’ve got there’ I cooed as I unbuckled the strap and seductively removed his gun from the holster. Well let me tell you it worked wonders, because as soon as his hand met mine his face blushed redder than Rudolph’s nose and he couldn’t take his eyes off me.

Things got hot and heavy quickly after that, and next thing you know he was whispering sweet Miranda Rights into my ear and escorting me into the back of his muscular police car! What a gentleman—you should have seen the jealous look on Madison’s face as we drove away.

From there, he whisked me away for a torrid holiday romance. He booked an exclusive photo shoot just for me, and even treated me to a romantic evening in a private hotel room! It wasn’t anything fancy, just a bed and a toilet—but it was simple and blue-collar, just like my Caleb. Unfortunately, there was only one way to know if his love was true: I had to run away, and if he chased after me I’d know it was meant to be.

So I slipped out of my handcuffs and escaped into the night, knowing that if Officer Caleb came after me, this time he’d cuff me forever. As I drove away in a stolen police cruiser covered in blood with a hostage in the trunk, the red and green Christmas lights faded from view. I just hoped that the next lights I’d see would be the red and blue sirens from Officer Caleb delivering the greatest Christmas gift of all—love.