LA Fire Devastation Officially Reaches Bono Tribute Song Level

Posted on by Doug Kolic

LOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirmed.

“Good news, brothers and sisters of the City of Angels, your pain and suffering has officially inspired me,” shouted Bono through a bullhorn to a crowd of displaced residents. “I want you to know that your tears are not in vain, and the reward for your anguish is that I’m excited to announce that I’ve begun work on a little ditty about the horrors that you’ve gone through. I’m calling it ‘Miss Pacific Palisades’ and you’ll be able to find this song immediately on your smartphone. And before you ask, no, you won’t be able to delete it. You’re welcome.”

LA fire victim Cathy Simmons described how this news is hitting her family.

“Damn, just when we thought our lives couldn’t get any worse,” said Simmons as she sifted through the rubble of the home which has been in her family for generations. “When the fires hit, we barely had enough time to pack the kids and dog into the van and get away to safety. When we were finally allowed to return, we were greeted by the grim reality that our lives would never be the same. However, because of our strong faith, we were comforted by the fact that we were still alive and unharmed. But now with this horrible news, that hope has been extinguished and it’s clear that our God is a vengeful one.”

Public Relations expert Dorothy Milic explained how celebrities often keep a close eye on disasters in order to make it about themselves.

“Happens all the time,” said Milic. “Famous people are constantly looking out for anything shitty to happen in order to insert themselves into the conversation. From Gwenyth Paltrow to Harry and Meghan, celebs are always seeking out the next big tragedy so they can send out a timely tweet, issue a public statement, or write a ballad. Residents who live through disasters like this normally have two pressing concerns: What will happen to their homes, and will Gal Gadot release another rendition of ‘Imagine.’ Either way, it’s very troubling.

At press time, Bono was overheard trying to find something that rhymes with “empty reservoir.”

Friend Says You Can Have All Their Worthless Shit if They Die

Posted on by Tim Graham

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet.

“I guess I’m supposed to feel honored?” said Steven Coehlo, Wright’s beneficiary. “But I know what kind of stuff he has and I don’t have any interest. I’m stressing out thinking about having to donate, sell or throw away all of his dumb garbage. He does have a decent record collection—or did, rather, before his cat pissed all over them. There is a chance I’ll be able to avoid the whole situation by dying before he does. I’m not going to burden anyone with my stuff, though. My will says to flush my ashes and throw all my shit in a dumpster.”

Wright believes he is doing Coehlo a favor by bequeathing his “assets” to his friend.

“I think about death a lot due to living what some might call a reckless lifestyle,” said Wright while casket-shopping online. “It was a no-brainer that Steven should be the curator of my valuables when I pass. My biggest asset is probably my huge collection of VHS movies, many of which I taped off of TV myself. Also, I have the complete run of Cracked magazine from 1986 to 1991. My hope is he’ll dedicate a room or two in his house to showcasing my memorabilia as a kind of shrine. Though if he falls on hard times I have left instructions for which items he’d be permitted to sell.”

Pawn shop owner Glenn Crenshaw says people tend to vastly overestimate the value of their possessions.

“Millennials and Gen Xers come in my store with stacks of ‘90s comic books or boxes of CDs expecting a big payday,” said Crenshaw. “Then I have to tell them that it’s all basically garbage. I feel sorry for them, really. They were misled by Boomer parents who thought all their shit was going to be worth something. You know the glass cabinets full of ‘fancy china’ that Boomers treat like a Smithsonian exhibit? That’s all worthless. I’m bracing myself for the upcoming flood of Trump-branded crap coming in here that dipshits thought would increase in value.”

At press time, Wright rented a storage unit in which to keep his growing collection of Funko Pops.

Opinion: I Had a Hard Year, so Please Let Me Gatekeep “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I had a hard year. I was laid off, lost my healthcare and my dog. My wife left me and took our kids and the house. Life has knocked me down, and I desperately need a win. It’s for this reason that I ask, no, beg you: please, please, please let me gatekeep The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Oh, you haven’t seen Rocky Horror?

It might be too late for you; us Rocky Horror fans are an eclectic band of enthusiasts dedicated to celebrating the most influential rock opera of the last millenia. Assuming you can even stay up until midnight to see a screening, you’ll quickly realize that we aren’t your average movie audience. But we accept anyone, regardless of marital status, child custody ruling or credit score.

You’re what we in the community call a “virgin,” and it’s tradition that I get to write a “V” on your cheek. Yeah, this starts with me touching you. Of course you can say “no,” and I’m the only one in the community who enforces it, but that just means no one appreciates this movie like me. Everytime I greet someone at Walmart, I can guarantee that I know more about Rock Horror than they do.

Last year my credit score dipped below 250, so sue me if I need to let off some steam by loudly quoting every line of the film as it’s said onscreen. Or if I throw three bags worth of rice at the screen that the independent movie theater’s staff will have to work overtime to clean up after we’re done. I don’t even listen to the steps of the time “Time Warp” because I’ve memorized how to do it.

Hell, I’ll give you the fold out futon that I sleep on if you can tell me which one of the side characters is Riff Raff.

Community helps us through the hard times, and the Rocky Horror community is one of the best out there. Even if I was fired from hosting screenings because I was caught fixing the costume contest so I won every time, I was welcomed back after only three years.

It’s good to have a safe space to yell “slut” in a movie theater without consequence.

Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel Announce “Mid-Sized Four of Thrash” Concert

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Semi-titans of American thrash metal Testament, Exodus, Overkill, and Dark Angel announced their plans to play a concert in the same vein as Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax did with their series of vaunted “Big Four of Thrash” shows, sources report.

“Having played in Slayer for some of the Big Four shows, I saw how successful they were, and I wanted to give the next tier of American thrash a chance to put on something similar,” longtime Exodus guitarist Gary Holt offered. “Obviously, this show isn’t going to be held in a huge stadium with a per ticket price of $200, but we’ll definitely be able to fill up a mid-sized venue with four bands that, if I’m being completely honest, have had way more consistent outputs throughout their careers than any of the Big Four bands, I presume.”

Thrash metal fan Ricardo Alvarez reacted to the news with excitement.

“This is going to be fucking awesome,” Alvarez mentioned. “I’ve definitely seen all these bands before, but never at the same time. I spent an arm and a leg going to see the Big Four in Yankee Stadium back in 2011, so it’ll be nice to see some objectively better thrash metal in a much more affordable setting. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking back then. Was it really worth it to pay all that money to hear ‘Peace Sells’ and ‘Enter Sandman’ for the millionth time? At least now I’ll get to see Dark Angel play stuff off ‘Darkness Descends,’ which rules because that album is an absolute thrashterpiece.”

Mid-sized venue owner Tim Dodds was also excited for the show.

“This will be a total cash-in for me,” Dodds said emphatically while rubbing his hands together. “Thrash metal fans are known beer drinkers, so I’m going to make a fortune out of the shitty 24-ounce cans of Miller Lite we’re going to sell. Not to mention what I get to rip off from the artists by taking cuts from all the merch that fans are going to buy. Cleaning all the puke off the walls and floors after the show is going to be a small price to pay for the mountain of money I’m going to be sitting on after this.”

At press time, Sacred Reich, Vio-lence, Death Angel, and Hirax announced their own “Small Four of Thrash” concert.

Man Forced to Buy $85 Tour Hoodie After Mistaking Merch Line for Bathroom Line

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

SAN DIEGO — Local show attendee Sean Jessey had no choice but to purchase unwanted concert merch to avoid admitting publicly that he’d spent 30 minutes in the wrong line, according to impatient sources.

“I couldn’t tell the guy at the merch table that I really just needed to take a leak, not buy this piece of shit hoodie,” said Jessey, as he looked with disappointment at the crooked logo on his new sweatshirt. “I’d gone to the bar when I got here instead of watching that terrible opening band, and I thought there was enough time to go break the seal before Bad Religion came on. But when I got to the front of the line, I panicked and bought the cheapest thing they had in my size to get out of there. It was either this or a $60 poster that would’ve been crushed by the end of the night. They were all sold out of the $5 patches. That would’ve really helped me out of this jam.”

Friends of Jessey revealed that he missed his favorite band’s set during his voyage to the merch table.

“I don’t get why this is so fucking difficult for him,” said Richard Jarrett, as he scanned the crowd for his lost friend. “That idiot told us he was just going to go rock a piss and come back with drinks. Bad Religion played for over two hours and Sean still isn’t back! I gave up waiting about halfway through their set and went to get my own beer. Unfortunately, I mistook the bar line for the merch line. Long story short, I bought this $45 shirt I didn’t really want. But hey, at least I made it back in time to catch the second encore.”

Employees at the venue explained that this is a frequent occurrence there.

“People don’t pay attention when they’re in a crowd, they see a line forming and rush to claim a spot before it gets longer,” explained bartender Raul Troy. “Nobody bothers to check what the line is for. There was a guy at the bar last week who screamed at me for not having any medium shirts. Another one spit on me and said I wasted his time because he thought he’d been in line to take a photo with the band. You learn to expect these kinds of things when you work in this industry.”

At press time, Jessey was seen tying the hoodie around his waist to hide his visibly wet pants as he reentered the merch line.

Five Freelance Gigs That Ended With Me Being Sucked Into a Cult

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Not many people can say they can spend weeks, sometimes months, researching stories about some fascinating people and religions. It’s surprising what you can learn about the rich tapestry that is America, specifically how easily you can get too involved in a story and end up relinquishing all of your money and possessions to charismatic leaders. So with a bit of hindsight, here’s five times a freelance gig ended up with being sucked into a cult.

Commune with Nature
It seemed like a great idea on paper: head out to rural Idaho to spend a month with a hippie commune to paint a portrait of self-sufficient individuals who’ve cast off the shackles of modern society. Plus the whole “free love” aspect of it was going to be the icing on the cake. Fast forward six weeks later and we’ve missed 23 calls from our editor because it turns out the commune is less a co-op and more just 15 hours a day of farm work so the leader known only as “Daddy” can sell produce at a fancy suburban farmer’s market. The smell of unbathed hippies will not be missed but damn did they make a good fermented wine.

Xenu We Hardly Knew You: The True Story of Scientology
The obsession with the secrets of Scientology made for an excellent expose on what actually goes on in these “information centers”. But who do I see standing in the lobby but Jenna fucking Elfman, and being the Looney Tunes: Back in Action superfan that I am I just had to speak with her. She ended up being a phenomenal source of information, but when it was time to write the story I found myself at OT Level IV and cut off my suppressive family.

LuLaRoe: Yoga to Be Kidding Me
Being a freelancer is a lot like being your own boss. And since LuLaRoe’s main hook is about being your own boss, I was already 50% of the way to the truth. I mean listen girlie, it’s only a $10,000 investment, and once you get ten people underneath you the leggings practically sell themselves! Ugh, it’s been hard to shake this one off especially since getting banned from Fiverr for trying to recruit other freelancers to sell this crap.

Make America Great Again Great Again, America
Dismantling MAGA talking points is like shooting fish in a barrel, but Trump supporters are a content goldmine. While filming a sizzle reel for Vice, their infectious enthusiasm for making America a theocratic ethnostate ruled by a madman was actually kind of fun, like a treehouse club of people detached from reality. My enthusiasm for their cause began as irony, but somewhere along the line slid into earnestness, like how some people become Ween fans. Eventually, constant exposure to their bullshit had me lying awake at night wondering where Hillary’s emails are and how quickly she can be put in prison for them.

Neptunians Unite: Glory Unto the Queen Mother
Okay listen all those other ones were cults of personality or religion, but this one is the real deal according to the guy handing out pamphlets at the airport. Why our editor rejected a 10,000-word masterpiece on the coming master race from Neptune only ensures their destruction at the hands of the all-powerful Queen Arleth, glory be unto her. And when the day of her ascension comes, boy oh boy will the gigs roll in as we take our place as chief propaganda officer, and 1099’s are forever abolished.

KISS Releases Signature Brand of Tepid, Uninspired, Derivative, Bland Coffee

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpressed sources report.

“Our new line of ‘I Was Made for Lovin’ Brew’ signature coffee has a taste that will affect you the exact same way our music does,” KISS frontman Gene Simmons said while relaxing in his unspeakably lavish Las Vegas mansion. “It’s a standard Colombian brew along the lines of something like Maxwell House or Folgers, that’s best enjoyed black and served at room temperature, preferably while listening to one of our more featureless songs like ‘Lick It Up’ or ‘Rock and Roll All Nite.’ It’s even low in caffeine to preclude the possibility of the consumer receiving even a superficial rush of adrenaline upon drinking it. Let’s rock!”

KISS superfan Mitch Smith reacted to his favorite band’s newest item.

“I drank a couple cups while listening to ‘Crazy Nights’ this morning,” Smith offered. “It was like drinking lukewarm water with the barest hint of coffee flavor, which is basically the beverage equivalent of the music I was listening to. I didn’t even feel energized after drinking it, and actually fell asleep at my kitchen table. It was great! The price tag was a little steep at $30 for a 12-ounce bag, but it was totally worth it if you ask me. I’ve already paid exorbitant amounts of money for KISS air guitar strings and KISS condoms, which I’ve never used, so I’m glad that I’m able to get some utility out of one of the KISS-themed items that I own.”

Coffee distributor Jen Styger weighed in on the situation.

“This is without a doubt the most dull coffee I’ve ever tried, so I’m shocked at how well it’s selling,” Styger commented. “I guess you’ve got to hand it to KISS that they know what their fans want. People have been eating up their particular brand of sleep-inducing rock for over five decades now, so I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised that they’re also interested in such lackluster coffee. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m complaining. It’s up to me to move all these units, and they’re making my job easy.”

At press time, Metallica announced the release of a signature brand of coffee that tastes incredible in the first four sips, then awful for the remainder of the cup.

Discogs Used to Calculate Net Worth

Posted on by Rob Ryder

BALTIMORE — Local vinyl collector and self-proclaimed financial wizard Eric Drysden recently calculated his net worth using vinyl website Discogs.com, claimed friends who were definitely not helping the situation.

“Financial planning isn’t something I studied, it just kind of came naturally to me,” said Drysden while flipping through the latest issue of The Economist. “I knew that vinyl was the honey-pot of my net worth and Discogs is like my Stock Exchange. I’ve been collecting for almost three years, and let me tell you, I have some gems. It took me about three days to enter everything, though it probably would’ve been quicker if I hadn’t forgotten my password every fucking time I logged in. Sure, I’ll probably never be able to retire, but at least I have a Japanese pressing of a Spin Doctors album, and that’s close enough.”

Friend and enabler John Gilbert assisted Drysden in his financial goals, providing sound vinyl advice along the way.

“I don’t have any records myself, but my guy Eric is the one of the shrewdest investors in this town’s scene, and when he needs a little push on a big deal, I’m there for him,” said Gilbert while reading the latest issue of Hot Rod Magazine. “Just the other day we were at Target and found Smash Mouth’s greatest hits on purple splatter vinyl. Eric almost passed on it, but I explained to him that it’s a totally sound investment and will easily catalog for double on Discogs within 25 years.”

Financial planner Geroge Thorton says its familiar territory for those who haven’t been able to save for retirement.

“Honestly, I don’t even give a shit anymore,” said Thorton while reviewing a list of action figures in a will. “The Discogs list he put together has the collection assessed from a low of $17 to a high of $37,839. Fifteen years ago this would make any financial planner panic, but honestly it’s no less volatile than most of the world markets right now. The other day I had a client list his assets as how many Playstation games he thinks his friend Troy can ‘accidentally’ throw in a dumpster behind the local Best Buy, so I guess it could be worse.”

At press time, Drysden was contemplating diversifying the portfolio with a box of 173 old cassettes at Goodwill.

This Is the Year I Lose the Weight, Because I Won’t Be Able To Afford Food

Posted on by Dan Rice

All right 2025, let’s do this! Every year of my adult life my New Year’s resolution has been to lose weight, and every year I not only fail but wind up a little fatter than I was the year before. That ends now. How am I so sure? Because thanks to inflation, Trump’s tariffs, and AI “disrupting” the job market, I will simply not be able to afford food this year.

It’s going to happen, I have no control over it, so I may as well act like it’s my plan!

With even fast food chains buckling under the pressure of economic failure, my plan is sure to succeed! The McDonald’s double cheeseburger was once the highest dollar-to-calorie ratio in the world. In 2025, if I’m lucky enough to get one, I’ll be eating half, and passing the remainder down to my son when I die.

I knew we were in trouble last year when I found myself using quad-pay apps for ubereats, essentially leasing pizza. It seems like a good investment when you’re stoned at midnight, but I’m sorry to report that none of those pies have appreciated in value. On the plus side, when I lost my job and couldn’t make payments anymore, there was nothing for the repo guys to repossess!

Due to budgetary restrictions, my diet is now down to about two bananas and half a can of tuna per day, barely enough to sustain my daily bodily functions let alone pack on the pounds! I had to make a new hole in my belt this morning, and aside from the fact that my malnourished body was barely able to puncture the leather, and the fact that I cut myself doing it, and the fact that I’ve never had a cut bleed.

Hey, I’m just glad guys like Musk are in there to stop the government from spending money on frivolous things, like us and the stuff that keeps us alive. They’re running the country like a business and let’s face facts, a comfortable human life has never been terribly profitable.

The only real downside is none of my friends will be around to see my transformation. By the time I start looking lean, they’ll be long dead from starvation, an event that my fat reserves will keep me around just long enough to witness before perishing myself. Don’t worry, I’ll wait an appropriate amount of grieving time before I cave to desperation and eat your remains!

VFW Has Emergency Fish Fry in Order to Rid It of Stench from Weekend Punk Show

Posted on by Chris Bowen

UTICA, N.Y. — VFW Post 226 held an emergency fish fry in an attempt to relieve it from the stench that lingered from the punk show held the previous weekend, dry heaving sources report.

“It was awful, and I knew we had to act fast. The smells of B.O. and five bands worth of vocalist’s halitosis were permanently sinking into the walls and floors very quickly,” Post 226 Commander Donald Sperger explained. “The usual patrons are used to the comforting stench of fryer grease, pungent haddock, stale popcorn, and sweat from sitting at the bar despite no physical activity. Things may never return to normal. You’d think we’d have learned a lesson from renting out the space for that metal show over the summer. Never again.”

Local show organizer William Krantz thought the event went off without a hitch.

“I knew we weren’t going to get our security deposit back considering every surface in the place was sticky and it looked as if they never stopped smoking cigarettes inside. If anything, we enhanced the interior aroma,” Kratz stated. “All I’m going to say is they better hope they have enough hot fish for 50 VFWs, because the stench from the crust punk band who headlined has been known to peel paint off of venue walls. Really they can keep the security deposit towards buying a new building, because that’s probably the only realistic solution to this.”

Scene veteran Rick “Spew” Kelvolev says fumigation after punk shows is a largely unspoken part of the process.

“Most people don’t think of the horrors venue owners face when a punk show is done, and everyone has gone home, or passed out drunk somewhere on the premises,” Kelvolev explained. “These places depend on non-punk business most of the time, and the odors that come with the punk scene just aren’t handled well by the general public. Most venues have emergency Axe Body Spray attachments to their sprinkler system that are turned on after the lights go out. Many venues have succumbed to the fire hazard these Axe systems pose, but you can thank them next time you don’t walk into a venue and get nauseous.”

At press time, VFW Post 226 held a fundraiser to help replace its bathroom toilet permanently clogged from the show.