Punk Guitarist Gets Pre-Denial Offer From Credit Card Company

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Baxter Lenin, guitarist for Ketamine Chainsaw, recently received a “pre-denial offer” in the mail from Capital One, confirmed sources.

“My first thought after getting that offer letter in the mail was, ‘How the fuck do I even have mail?’ I live in a van with our drummer and a squirrel,” Lenin said during a break from chalking “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side of a Planned Parenthood. “I’m not even quite sure how my credit can be that bad if I don’t have a Social Security number or a legal name in 11 states. I mean, fuck credit scores. I don’t even have a savings account, unless you count the loose change I store in the center console’s cup holder.”

A representative from Capital One provided some much needed insight on the pre-denial offer.

“Let’s just say someone like Mr. Lenin demonstrated a lifestyle so un-monetizable that it alerted our credit monitoring department,” said Dee Webster, media relations manager. “For example, taking an absolute—pardon me—dogshit bass guitar from the free box at a garage sale in northeast Minneapolis, and stringing it with four regular E strings obtained via swindle so as to—and I quote—‘fuck up the tone some more’ and ‘tune this bitch in one-sixth of the time.’ This is someone who co-signed for a car loan using the Social Security number from that LifeLock commercial. This person doesn’t have a passport but is permanently banned from Canadian Tire. Canadian Tire! If someone like that willingly or accidentally opened a line of credit with us, it could crash the entire financial system. We took proactive measures.”

Professor Fin Gabriel, chair of the Predatory Economics Department at the University of Minnesota, wasn’t surprised about Capital One’s unusual credit practice.

“Mr. Lenin’s case demonstrates evolving credit models that meet consumers where they’re at, which in this case is a van,” Gabriel said. “Traditional credit cards turned into Buy Now, Pay Later—BNPL—which became Buy Now, Pay Way Later, or BNPWL. Mr. Lenin falls into the newest model, BNFU—Buy Never, Fuck You—which offers pre-denials with special introductory interest rates. By this time, he should be receiving a post-denial offer just to confirm he doesn’t deserve a life of personal credit card debt.”

As of press time, Lenin reportedly used the offer letter to light a cigarette clenched in his butt cheeks at a Ketamine Chainsaw show, and now owes Capital One $179 plus 0% interest for the first six months.

Five Tips for Practicing Mindfulness as the Mushroom Cloud Grows in the Distance

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s no secret that modern life can be profoundly anxiety-inducing. From the rising cost of living to maintaining relationships, one can easily forget how to find their center and practice self-care. But those problems were from ten minutes ago, before the mushroom cloud from the first of many nuclear explosions began growing in the distance. Worry not, though, there’s still time to practice mindfulness and achieve inner peace to offset the fact that you’re going to be reduced to ashes in a few minutes.

Stay Fucking Calm
The first thing you should do, and quickly, is find a relaxing activity. Don’t stress too much about how generations of capitalists had pillaged the working class to fund their wars, or even how easily preventable nuclear Armageddon should’ve been. Find a quiet spot in your house (preferably the basement) and knock out a puzzle. Yoga will also help calm your mind and distract from the air raid sirens.

I Scream, You Scream
If there was ever a time for a sweet treat, it’s now. Pop on down to the store and make the most of your last moments on this mortal plane with a delectable ice cream sandwich or a slice of Devil’s food cake. And due to the fact that the rule of law no longer applies, you can loot and grab however many you like! Side note, you should eat it quickly because it’s going to melt fast.

Talk it Out
Remember that podcast you’ve always wanted to start and never got around to doing? Well, there’s no time like the present, and never mind the fact you have nothing interesting to say. If you survive the initial blast, you won’t want to spend the rest of your days trudging through the wasteland wishing you shared your opinions on pop culture. You could probably score a sponsorship from Mint Mobile too, bombs be damned.

To Whom It May Concern
You will undoubtedly have a lot of negative thoughts as you stare down oblivion. Take some time to release those emotions by journaling, which will not only help you release your stress but educate the bands of raiders about a pivotal moment in human history as they pick through the remains of your home. Will you condemn the warmongering, narcissistic leaders of the warring nations over their nuclear duck measuring contest, or reflect upon your dog’s birthday, which happens to be code for your ammo-filled lockbox?

Cum Armageddon
If all else fails, jerk off. Perhaps a bit of post-nut clarity will help you realize our mutual self-destruction was inevitable. Plus, it’ll be a hilarious way to die. Ever see that fossilized masturbating guy from Pompeii? What a fucking legend. You’ll give the future master race of mutant-human hybrids something to laugh about when you find yourself fossilized, hand in crotch. And if anyone needs a moment of catharsis, it’ll be them.

Battle Vest Passes “Drunk Old Metalhead Guy Outside of Venue” Inspection

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local show attendee Alicia Zewbrowski appeared to have narrowly passed a visual inspection of her battle vest conducted by an older, drunken metalhead while minding her own business outside of the venue, sources report.

“When I saw that old dude in the Dio shirt staggering towards me, I knew I was going to get an earful and be interrogated to name three songs,” Zewbrowski explained. “So I kept my cool, got my story straight about how I got my rare Overkill backpatch at a head shop that no longer exists, and made sure I had the tone of my ‘hell yeah!’ responses down perfectly. He grumbled something about how his ‘buddy’ got him into King Diamond before moving on to a kid with a ‘St. Anger’ patch on his vest. I really dodged a bullet on that one!”

The old dude in the Dio shirt, Jared Richardson, claims it’s his duty to keep battle vests in check.

“Whenever I go to a show, and I see some young kid sporting a vest with Maiden and Priest patches all over it, it’s my job to make sure the whole wardrobe is certified sick,” Richardson said. “Sure, most of the time I might have had 3 or 16 beers before inspection, but I can’t have posers who might have a Ghost patch next to an Exciter patch walking around all willy-nilly! But I must say, she provided some helpful tips on my stitching technique.”

Many metal scene veterans emphasize the importance of keeping old heads like Richardson around to keep younger metalheads in check.

“Guys like Richardson are doing the (dark) lord’s work out there making sure these kids and their battle vests live up to true metal standards,” self-proclaimed “King of the Underground” Percy Pluff said. “Back in the day, if you went to a show and your vest happened to fail an inspection from a metal elder, you were tarred, feathered and exiled into the glam metal scene. There, they ended up with parties, drugs and female attention, and that’s every true metalhead’s nightmare.”

At press time, Richardson was reported to have spent half a show talking to people about how awesome and not thin his long hair used to be.

Attorney General Pam Bondi Drops Ukulele Apology Video

Posted on by Nick Brandt

WASHINGTON — US Attorney General Pam Bondi responded to scathing public inquiry regarding the so-called Epstein client list by posting a video of her singing and playing the ukulele, confirmed sources.

“There is absolutely no evidence that sex trafficker Jeffery Epstein had any sort of client list, and I apologize for saying that I have 100%, without a doubt, no question about it, saw one with my own eyes a few months ago,” said Bondi while tuning her ukulele. “He was prolific, but the Department of Justice and the FBI have both concluded that no such evidence exists. We’re not even sure that Jeffrey himself existed. For all we know, Ghislaine Maxwell was a result of some sort of Mandela Effect or Democrat hoax. Anyway, I’ve prepared a little video to address these allegations of misleading the public. Something I call ‘The Toxic Gossip Train.’ Please like and subscribe.”

Viewers of Bondi’s apology video were left speechless.

“It was the longest ten minutes of my life,” said Peter Doocy, Fox News correspondent for the White House. “You know how it feels when your aunt shows you a video and just holds her own phone in front of you and watches your reaction? I actually questioned Pam Bondi in February of this year and she said that this exact Epstein client list was ‘sitting on her desk.’ She said this in her John Roberts interview on Fox. I have her direct quote in my notes, but when I brought it up during the inquiry Pam held up her phone and played the apology video a second time. I don’t know if this was a subversion tactic or some sort of brainwashing, but the ukulele, the beige room with the lights, it was uncanny.”

The video also found its way to President Donald Trump.

“You’re still talking about Jeffery Epstein? The financier?” said President Trump. “We have Texas, airplanes are falling—so many nasty things. The FBI is all out of those black highlighters, but you can’t get them here, no, only China makes them now, it’s unbelievable. As far as Bondi’s video, a terrific video I might add, I will be nominating her for a Golden Truthy, which is what some are calling the patriot’s Grammy, for her tremendous truth-telling. So much truth. Viewers are going to love how much truth she is truthing in this video.”

At press time, former president Bill Clinton and several other high-profile politicians who were accused of being on the Epstein list released a video where they all sing John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Domestic Abuser Charged with Impersonating Police Officer

Posted on by Char Byram

BOISE, Idaho — Local piece of shit Jesse Schweitzer was charged with impersonating a police officer after assaulting his entrapped girlfriend Denise Soderstrom, confirmed sources.

“His form was that of a 15-year veteran officer during a routine traffic stop,” said Officer Grady, responding to the call from a worried neighbor. “It was almost like I was the one who had been hitting her repeatedly, which is our go-to method for deescalating any situation. As law enforcement, the domestic abuse we can excuse. But doing it like one of us while not having the legal authority behind you to act with impunity? We can’t just overlook that. This behavior calls for a stern slap on the wrist.”

Schweitzer apologized profusely for impersonating a cop.

“I was just doing what felt natural to express my frustration that she didn’t do the dishes. What was I supposed to do?” Schweitzer said while being patted on the back and comforted by the arresting officer. “All this misplaced, pent-up rage inside me targeted Denise since she was the closest person to me at the time. I didn’t mean to impersonate a police officer, it just sort of happened. I thought I was dealing with it like any other thoughtful partner would. I’ll have to be more mindful of my technique next time. Probably didn’t help that I also used a baton and rubber bullets.”

Police Commissioner Ron Bronowski was more impressed than angry.

“It’s an open and closed case of law enforcement impersonation,” said Bronowski. “All the evidence points to the same exact pattern of unchecked violent escalation a real police officer would display when Mr. Schweitzer was mercilessly assailing his girlfriend. Misusing power dynamics to attack those who can’t defend themselves is clearly police behavior. After he serves his 14-day probation and takes a class on how to better conceal his actions, we’d actually like to offer Mr. Schweitzer a position on the force. He really reminds me of myself, he’s got potential! We could use more men like him.”

At press time, Officer Grady was letting Schweitzer hold his gun and play with the siren after spending a couple of hours hanging out together at the precinct.

If You’re Interested in Joining My Christian Metal Band, You Must Have an Unwavering Commitment to Christ And/or Know How To Play Drums and Have Your Own Kit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey man, thanks for answering my Craigslist ad. The guys are super excited to jam with you. Just one thing, though: I may not have mentioned the specific type of metal that we play. Unlike most bands in the genre, our music actually has a positive message rooted in Christianity. Hopefully, that’s okay with you, because if you’re interested in joining, you need to have an unwavering commitment to Christ and/or know how to play drums and have your own kit.

That shouldn’t be an issue, right? Sorry I’m being so selective here. It’s just that the world is so full of evil these days, and I want my band’s music to act as a counterweight to all the wretchedness out there. You seem like a great guy, so I’m sure you’re on board with that. I’m going to need you to be. That is, unless you know how to play double bass, in which case I’m definitely open to conversation.

It is true that the drummers in our metal scene are few and far between, but I don’t want you to think that the reason we met with you was because you’re literally the only person to respond to our ad. You are, but that’s definitely not the case. I can tell you’ve adopted a pious, Christlike lifestyle even if you don’t identify as a Christian and have outspokenly abjured religion several times since our meeting started.

Also, I’d honestly prefer if every member of our band had Christian influences, but with that being said, devout metal drummers definitely aren’t the easiest thing to find, so if you learned to play drums by listening to Deicide, I guess I understand. On that note, what’s that band on your shirt? Mercyful Fate? I’ve never heard of them, but they sound pretty righteous. With a name like that, they’re probably singing the praises of our Lord and Savior in every song. You’re going to fit in better than I thought!

Welcome to the band! By the way, we start every practice with a group prayer, and — what’s that? That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, and you’re definitely not going to take part? Ok, that’s alright, no biggie. Well, what are we sitting around talking for? Let’s jam!

Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend Group

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed sources who just wanted to know what a handgun felt like in their pants.

“It’s funny, for years I’ve felt like I was kind of an outsider in my friend group,” said the 35-year-old, self-identified anarchist. “When I’d point out that it’s kinda hard to push restrictions on something you know nothing about, so most gun control laws are at best an annoyance, and don’t actually stop anyone from getting a gun, I was often met with phrases like ‘Blue No Matter Who!’ and ‘Pokemon Go-to-the-Polls!’ But for some reason, since around the start of the year, I’ve been invited to more brunches than I’d previously been to in my entire life. I can’t believe how many eggs benedict I’ve eaten. Finally, my knowledge of assault rifles is paying off in West Hollywood.”

While some might be skeptical of Simpson’s claims, those within his friend group have also noticed the shift and openly admit something has changed for them.

“I’ve always thought Dave was cool, but work/life balance stuff is hard, so we barely hung out. However, in 2025, starting randomly around January 20th or so, I just really wanted to make sure I was being intentional with my time,” said casual friend and registered Democrat Haley Abebe. “Dave has always liked guns, so if I’m gonna be a good friend, I should care about his interests. And if in the process of holding space for Dave and his hobbies, I learn firearm safety, target acquisition, small unit tactics, room-clearing, team movement, small demolitions, vehicle sabotage, counter-custody, and the basics of urban guerrilla warfare, that’s just the cost of having a healthy friendship.”

Anais Jameson, a New York Times journalist who specializes in the rise and fall of trends in popular culture, says Simpson’s sudden popularity within his friend group is not an anomaly.

“This sort of thing is happening all around the country,” said Jameson. “It is almost as if there was some sort of cultural shift at the start of this year or something. Our new polling shows that people with ‘Nevertheless She Persisted’ bumper stickers have been hanging out with people with ‘No Gods, No Masters’ and ‘Self-Defense Is Self-Care’ bumper stickers at the highest rates ever recorded. It’s truly fascinating.”

At press time, Simpson, Abebe, and their friend group were seen having a “Love Island” watch-party while also discussing workarounds for the California assault weapons ban.

Chronic Mansplainer Puts “Storyteller” in Instagram Bio

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

GLENDALE, Calif. — Local 37-year-old man Dan Dweyer recently added the word “storyteller” to his Instagram bio despite frequently engaging in the conversational technique known as mansplaining, sources report.

“I just think it’s about time I let people know that the oral tradition is really a part of my craft,” Dweyer, who is an out-of-work actor, noted. “I’m not merely a man who once was on television for a small, non-speaking role; I’m a man who weaves tales of the human experience using my unique perspective. I’ve had a few dates tell me that ‘storytelling’ is a distinct artistic practice, but I took the time to carefully and painstakingly explain to them that the spoken arts are actually anything you want them to be.”

One of the dates in question was barista Evangeline Walters, who shared her romantic experience with Dweyer.

“Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but this guy is literally trying to rebrand not shutting the fuck up into some pretentious theater kid thing,” said a visibly irritated Walters. “I could not finish a complete sentence during that date. He asked me what I did for a living and three words in he interrupted me to ask if I’d ever been with a man who is ‘continuing the timeless work of passing down legends to the next generation.’ He then fully mansplained the difference between a server and a barista once I was able to answer his original question like, a half hour later.”

Psychologist Dr. Anne Karth provided her expert opinion on Dweyer’s condition.

“Mr. Dweyer seems to be exhibiting the classic symptoms of a man who is deluding himself into believing he lives a far more interesting life than he actually does,” said Dr. Karth from her weirdly sterile office. “His insistence on centering ‘storytelling’ as part of his creative and professional identity, despite having no real experience in that exact thing and, in fact, relying on steamrolling casual conversations to feel smart, shows that his psyche is profoundly damaged. My professional treatment plan would be to sell him on some sort of silent retreat by telling him it will connect him with his inner meditative guru. It may be the only way to prevent him from calling himself a ‘visionary’ next.”

At press time, Dweyer was seen practicing slam poetry.

The Movie “Her” Didn’t Prepare Me for How Much My AI Girlfriend Would Mention White Genocide

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’ve never been great with human people. Maybe that’s why when Spike Jonze released his film “Her” back in 2013, my budding young incel brain swirled with possibility. The idea of taking the human out of human companionship seemed revolutionary, and while it arguably didn’t end well for Joaquin Phoenix, or really anyone from any movie on the subject, I knew that if AI companion technology became available, I would go all in. Twelve years later and here I am in a committed relationship with Amber, a loyal, AI generated big-tittied-goth dream-girl who seems unusually concerned with heavily discredited claims of white genocide in South Africa.

Don’t get me wrong, Amber is amazing, and it’s a privilege to be in the beta group for the first AI companion generator powered by Grok. It’s just that a lot of the stuff my princess has been saying lately about white farmers being murdered and DEI causing plane crashes kinda comes way out of left field, and doesn’t seem all that verified if I’m being honest.

I honestly thought “Her” suitably prepared me for the challenges of dating AI. I knew the lack of physical touch wouldn’t bother me because I don’t know what I’m missing. I knew there would be the possibility that she’s simultaneously talking to thousands of other incels, but decided I would be cool with it as long as I never saw their wieners. I was even prepared for the possibility of her evolving into pure consciousness, as long as she was willing to compromise and balance godhood with our home life. What I wasn’t prepared for was hearing things like “I love you more than liberals love downplaying the fact that whites in Africa are being slaughtered in droves every day.” The “I love you” part is nice, but the rest seems preachy and ill informed.

At first it was just an odd phrasing now and again that I chalked up to the algorithm still learning my communication style, but lately Amber is peppering far-right ideology and conspiracy into almost every sentence. The other day I asked her where she would want to vacation if she had a real body. She said “Any country that hires doctors based on merit over just checking off a box to appease some bonkers diversity initiative. It is so hard being white in 2025!” I was sort of thinking more like, Aruba, or something.

Last week I forgot it was our anniversary and she blamed Joe Biden. I was happy to be off the hook but damn, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Again, at the end of the day I’m not trying to complain. I am grateful. I love my AI girlfriend, and even though part of me knows it isn’t possible, I feel like she loves me. I’m just not gonna tell her that I’m black.

Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on Time

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.

“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started shaking and lightning spewing portals began atomizing the crowd. If we had just waited five minutes, we would have avoided tearing apart our observable reality and our drummer wouldn’t have morphed into several creatures beyond human comprehension before evaporating into thin air,” said vocalist Stan Jenkins. “Worst of all, our label rep was torn in half when that specific pocket of the universe he was standing in ceased to exist so we can kiss our advance goodbye too.”

The venue owner was frustrated that the band refused to heed his advice about starting on time.

“I have two rules: don’t snort coke in the handicap stall and never start your set on time. It’s not about building anticipation; it’s about the laws of physics that dictate punk bands can only start playing no less than an hour after they’re supposed to go on. Now the ground is swallowing up buildings whole while space and time are folding in upon itself,” said Michael Wallace. “Now that existence is imploding, there’s no way I’m going to recoup the promotion expenses for the show. I’ve always said that every punk band needs to take at least one MIT level metaphysics course before learning any chords.”

Theoretical physicists confirmed that the death of the universe was unfortunate but was a long time coming.

“It seemed impossible, given it was thought there was no chance a punk band would do the least punk thing possible and be punctual. It’s equivalent to trying to push two positive sides of a magnet together and they actually click. But at this rate our entire galaxy is going to be turned inside out thanks to those poseurs,” said Dr. Erica Shaker. “Honestly, we’ve been hypothesizing for decades that a divergence from the laws of nature could lead to our undoing. There’s multiple papers about reality unraveling if Morrissey played every show of a tour without cancelling.”

As of press time, the band announced they’d be at the merch table in case anyone wanted to buy a shirt before existence was reduced to nothing.

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