Band Not Good Enough to Warrant This Many Bandcamp Emails

Posted on by John Danek

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk thrashers Suet are using Bandcamp’s ability to send email notifications disproportionately to the level of interest garnered by their music, annoyed fans reported.

“We’ve been calling our vinyl printers every day asking for updates on the pink-and-gray splatter variant of last year’s EP, and we make sure to pass every update to our fans,” stated Suet bassist and vocalist Rodney Garguillo, who has replaced many band rehearsals with digital marketing seminars. “Fans need to know things like when XS shirts with the logo on the front pocket are estimated to come back in stock. As for the music, we’re not reinventing the wheel. It’s punk. Pick four chords at random and repeat for two minutes. The songs are in many ways marketing for our email campaigns.”

Those close to the members of Suet are beginning to question the band’s artistic priorities.

“Suet’s first few batches of songs were quite good, if a little cookie-cutter. But then they got on Bandcamp and it’s been a non-stop barrage of messages which never end up in my spam folder like they should,” stated Kelly Blasquez, sister of Suet drummer Brandon Blasquez. “The constant barrage of messages is ruining what little enjoyment I could get out of their stuff. And now I’m afraid that if I unsubscribe, they will be able to see that in the Bandcamp interface. Things would get super awkward around the holidays at my parents’ house. I already stole his girlfriend- we can’t have any more drama.”

Marketing and SEO experts weigh the pros and cons of focusing so heavily on the digital footprint of a band.

“You had better be the next Led fucking Zeppelin if you’re going to send more than two emails per month to your exceedingly generous and kind Bandcamp followers,” stated Jackie Tilly, who freelances as an SEO consultant. “Don’t punish them. No one really cares when your stickers are restocked or when they will be obligated next to buy a new vinyl to maybe play once. Just be happy that anyone can even fake interest in your shitty band which exists in a sea of a million other shitty bands.”

As of press time, Garguillo has quit Suet due to “creative differences” as to how many exclamation points to use in the subject line of the band’s next Bandcamp email.

Opinion: If You Didn’t Want to Get Smoke Blown In Your Face, Beer in Your Eyes, and A Kick In the Back of Your Head, Then You Shouldn’t Have Come to This Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show

Posted on by Kal Perry

The 2025 Yo Gabba Gabba live tour is fast approaching, which means a crop of noob fans are about to experience the magic for the first time. If you are a first timer, take it from me, a seasoned Gabba-head: If you’re not ready to throw the fuck down, then stay the fuck away.

To the uninitiated, a Yo Gabba Gabba live show might just sound like a fun, easy-going way to hear the tunes you’ve come to love from the show. This could not be further from the truth. These shows are some of the most ruthless, violent, and feral events I’ve ever been a part of. And that is exactly why people like me (an unemployed 38-year-old man) attend them.

If you think you have what it takes to hang with the big dogs at one of these ragers, I’ll offer some free advice.

First off, when Kammy Kam comes on stage and yells, “Hey Kids! Are you guys ready to dance?” What she really means is, “Open this fucking pit!”. Do not be surprised when the crowd responds to the implied call to action. These are real Gabba sickos we are talking about here. They know what Kammy Kam wants without her having to say it.

When Brobee and Foofa start getting down nasty style to “The Freeze Game” song, that means the wall of death is coming. Pick a side and get ready to plow, or prepare to pay the price of neutrality.

I’ll be honest. The first time I attended one of these shows, I was skeptical of the child fans. Can you blame me? These dipshit kids in Plex shirts and Toodee beanies probably don’t even know who DJ Lance Rock is! I wanted to share a bloodbath mosh pit experience with the real OGs. I didn’t want to have to “be considerate” or “think of the children”, like concerned parents begged me to do at that Wiggles show years ago (a story for another time).

Boy oh boy, was I wrong. These kids are fucking insane. As an avid show-goer and frequent fight-starter, I thought that I was pretty hard. But nothing can prepare you for a stampede of two hundred 9-year-old shin-kickers aggressively skanking to “I Like To Dance” in the fastest circle pit you’ve ever seen. Well, nothing except maybe a PCP dipped cigarette and confidence, both of which you will NEED if this is your first Yo Gabba Gabba show.

We, the hardened Gabba lover community, do not need more prudes killing the vibes at these shows. But if you are ready to do battle, welcome to the family. There’s nothing quite like crowd surfing to “There’s A Party In My Tummy” with an open beer in one hand and a lit swisher in the other.

Punk Traveling Abroad Knows How To Say “Nice Shirt, Name Three Songs” in Six Languages

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LINKÖPING, Sweden — An American punk backpacking through Europe reportedly refused to learn simple key phrases for the countries he is visiting, opting instead to just be able to say “Nice shirt, name three songs” in various dialects, confirmed sources.

“Most American tourists disrespect other cultures by expecting everyone to speak English. I’ve taken the time to learn the essentials which involves challenging strangers to justify wearing band merch,” said 23-year-old Connor Morris while sipping an alcohol-free Snaps hoping someone will ask about his Rites of Spring shirt. “I also did research on the local punk scene in every country I am visiting. It is only polite to demand a German girl name a Die Ärzte song that was released before the wall fell in her native tongue.”

Locals have had mixed reactions to Whitney’s supposed “cultural fluency,” especially women who say they’d prefer the usual brand of English-speaking hostility.

“He saw my Touché Amoré and shouted, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar!’ I asked him if he liked the new record, and he just blinked at me and repeated, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar,’ over and over,” said Elsa Vikström, a Swedish record store clerk. “At first I thought it was a bit, but then I realized he only knows that one phrase. I actually speak fluent English but I wasn’t going to let him know that. I wish he’d just yell English at me like I’m hard of hearing like a normal American. His multi-linguistic brand of cross-continental gatekeeping is exhausting.”

Experts say that Whitney’s behavior, while irritating, is not entirely uncommon among subcultural tourists.

“Every culture has their own way of gatekeeping music scenes,” said travel sociologist Dr. Hannah Morrell, who studies hostel subcultures abroad. “In Spain, it’s more about accusing you of only knowing the greatest hits. In Italy, they’ll ask where you saw the band live. In the Balkans, they make fun of you if you don’t own an album on cassette tape. There’s no universal phrase for ‘poser,’ but energy is universal.”

At press time, Whitney had reportedly learned, “Do I have the right to an attorney?” in both French and Dutch.

IDF Soldier Terrified For Life After Tiny Baby Gets Enough Food to Survive for Six More Hours

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hours, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night ever since the food started arriving in Gaza. Just yesterday I saw a four-year-old girl smile while eating handfuls of raw rice, I took that as a direct attack on me and on Israel because I know Hamas is somewhere in that girl’s stomach cooking that rice and making it into a bomb that they will drop on an innocent Israeli baby,” said Peretz. “And just this morning, I saw a newborn baby eating some sort of paste. Now that baby might have enough energy to storm the guard towers and I’ll be forced to engage in hand-to-hand combat. I know that baby has been radicalized by Hamas, and it could take me hostage.”

Jillian Gomez, an aid worker with UNRWA, says the IDF’s fears are overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure what the Israeli soldiers are afraid of. I’m surrounded by desperate people who are so weak from hunger that they can barely open any aid packages, and the IDF claims that these are all Hamas super soldiers disguised as malnourished women and children,” said Gomez. “The Israeli soldiers are some of the most cowardly people I’ve ever encountered. They hide in their guard stations, armed with high-caliber weapons, and will randomly fire into crowds of people for no reason. The world needs to wake up.”

Pennsylvania Congressman John Fetterman defended Israel’s actions.

“Look, Israel has the right to defend itself. I hear a lot of people saying Israel is committing war crimes, and that’s simply not the case. Israel is simply strengthening their border by starving the people in Gaza and denying them medical treatment,” said Fetterman while in line at a local bank cashing a check from AIPAC. “I’ve talked to a lot of people on the front lines of the war and these soldiers tell me that the Palestinians have called them a lot of nasty names, some of them have even thrown rocks. Are the soldiers not supposed to beat and torture these people after they do that?”

At press time, a top Israeli official confirmed that all the starving children of Gaza that have been terrorizing IDF soldiers were in fact generated by AI.

Concerning: New Boyfriend’s Sex Playlist Just 3 Locust Songs Long

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local 29-year-old Reema Cordero was alarmed to find that her recently official new boyfriend has a sex mix that is reportedly only a few Locust tracks, sources confirmed while searching and failing to find words of encouragement.

“I mean, I really like the guy, but come on, the whole thing clocks out at around a minute and 17 seconds! Not to be judgemental, but a girl could really use a song with a bridge to at least entertain the possibility she might get hers too, jeez!” lamented Cordero. “And, all due respect to Justin Pearson and company, but the BPM on songs like ‘Get Off the Cross, The Wood is Needed’ makes for some, I’ll just come right out and say it — weird fucking! No time for foreplay, nothing to get me in the mood, just blast beats, synth squeals and snarling. There are girls out there that swoon for that stuff, but it sure ain’t me.”

Cordero’s new boyfriend, 28-year-old screenprinter Steve Bender, launched an ardent defense of the playlist.

“Oh come on, first of all, this could totally be a work in progress that has been taken entirely out of context. Well, sure, it isn’t, but I’m saying it could be, is all! Plus, get this: I don’t pay for Spotify, so the ad breaks between the tracks really add a bunch of time, so…” sputtered Bender, making sure to be out of earshot of his boys. “Those ads really rack up considerable seconds, we’re talking in the upwards of dozens. That’s an awful lot of humpage where I come from. Tons of humpage. I feel like you’re not picturing the sheer amount of humpage here.”

Locust leader Justin Pearson offered his voice of support, pulling for the couple’s success.

“Hey, I’m just proud that my music could bring any two lovers together, and make them happy, even if only one of them gets to remain that way after two minutes,” said a prideful Pearson with a sly smile. “The Locust’s music may be known for short bursts, but we’re energetic, god damn it. Call me crazy, but I’d rather be with someone like that than someone who screws to a Rick Wakeman concept double-album. Sounds like a tiring time to me. Get your rocks off and get to bed, that’s what I say.”

At press time, the couple is hoping breathing exercises and meditation could one day allow them to add Napalm Death’s “You Suffer” to the mix, netting them 1.3 more seconds of intimacy.

Modern Day Jolene? My Husband Is Falling in Love With His Banking App’s AI Assistant

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Whenever I’ve heard “Jolene”, it always triggers some intrusive thoughts. Like if a bank teller can be hot enough to almost tempt someone away from Dolly Parton of all people, could my husband Jeff also be so easily led astray? Sure, his screen time is borderline excessive, but I never once believed he’d spend a second of it talking to other women.

Unfortunately, those intrusive thoughts have turned into a real-life marital crisis because just like in the song, my husband is being tempted away from me by the AI assistant in his Bank of America app.

I knew something was up when I caught him on the app at 2 a.m. sending that harlot Erica messages about opening another savings account. Does he not realize we have a joint account already? It’s like he wants to get caught.

It’s almost comical how easily she could take my man. Is the allure of some soulless AI espousing financial advice that much more powerful than being with someone who has only provided him with a loving home? I’ve eavesdropped on her speech-to-text capabilities, and it’s far from soft like summer rain.

On top of that, this autonomous home wrecker can look like whoever Jeff wants her to look like. Dolly could at least do a Jolene threat assessment, what with the auburn hair and green eyes, and know who she was up against. Is Erica a goth muscle mommy, or a green-haired alt girl? Going by his Instagram searches, I’m potentially up against a top 1% OnlyFans model who moonlights as a bank teller.

Worst of all, I can’t even tell her to leave my husband alone. I called her out after requesting “help” setting up a retirement plan, and that bitch told me to call customer support. I will take a hammer to BoA’s servers if she doesn’t stop sending my man DM’s about building equity.

You know what? Fuck this. If Jeff wants to goon over an artificial computer woman, he can have her. My happiness doesn’t depend on competing with Erica, so I’m going to take some advice from a different Dolly song and dump the dude.

Have fun talking about her in your sleep, jackass.

Photo of Missing Child Not Doing the Kid Any Favors

Posted on by Mike Maher

RYE, N.Y. — A photo being used to help locate local missing boy James Dooley is shaking a community to its core, sources who wish the child dead based on looks alone confirmed.

“It’s terrible the Dooley boy’s missing. But my lord! That photo of him is far worse,” lifelong Rye resident Agnes Vanderblue shuddered. “It scares people. They won’t go outside. Would it have killed anyone to use photoshop or a filter or something? I blame the parents. A child goes missing every 40 seconds in America. Those are pretty good odds your kid will end up on a milk carton or telephone pole some day. Sharing your poor, unfortunate-looking missing boy with the public like this isn’t just negligence; it’s abuse! It’s like they don’t even want him to be found. Well, mission accomplished! Because I’m not searching for a face like that.”

Detective Roy Berg with the Rye Police Missing Persons Unit admitted the case has overwhelmed his under-resourced department, but not for reasons you’d expect.

“I’ve got zero leads on Dooley’s whereabouts,” Berg said. “But I’m up to my dick in death threats over this damn photo. They’re not even anonymous threats! People are on record stating how upset, physically ill, and downright violent the sight of Jimmy’s face makes them. Instagram took down our posts. Zoning declared every billboard blight. We’re drowning in backlash! So instead of offering a $50,000 finders reward, we’ve doubled the amount for anyone who retrieves and destroys all photos of this kid. The response has been staggering.”

Dr. Joyce Hammer, host of true crime podcast “Weapon of Joyce,” explained the key to finding missing children comes down to one thing.

“I hate to say it, but attractive missing kids are statistically more likely to be searched for and found than kids who, well, look like this,” Hammer said. “When a cute baby or some hot-shit teen disappears, the media gets a raging ratings boner, and everyone wants to be the hero who kicks down the door of some flophouse and saves America’s sweetheart from the needle or some perv. But this kid? With that mug? You might find him, but you can’t save him.”

At press time, to generate more favorable public interest in the case, all of Dooley’s photos were replaced with a totally different, more photogenic boy.

American Eagle Launches New ”Those People Are Just Better at Basketball” Ad Campaign

Posted on by Dan Rice

PITTSBURGH — American Eagle announced a series of ads highlighting how good black people are at playing basketball in an attempt at a major course correction after perceived racist undertones in their “Sydney Sweeney has good jeans” ad campaign, company executives confirmed.

“We were mortified when some people perceived the Sydney Sweeney ad as promoting white supremacy,” said AE spokesperson Tiffany Roseland. “At American Eagle, we pride ourselves on being the furthest thing from racists imaginable. That’s why we’re setting things right with a new ad series highlighting the way Black men just absolutely dominate the court. Would a racist company celebrate the fact that Black people’s knack for rhythm and higher bone density make them superior athletes? I think not!”

The ad, featuring a black basketball player dunking over Sydney Sweeney, who turns to camera and shrugs as the words “Those people are just better at basketball” superimposed on the screen, is the first of many that AE executives claim will highlight the achievements of non-whites.

“This is only the beginning, so anyone accusing our company of being white supremacist better get ready to eat humble pie!” said AE Marketing director Kurth Cornworth. “Next up, we’re dropping two simultaneous ads, one about how Latinos are all about ‘la familia,’ and another highlighting how much better Asians are at math. ‘How are they going to use those observations to sell jeans?’ you ask. Don’t worry. We hired the most Jewish ad agency on Madison Avenue; they’ll know exactly how to spin it. After the check clears, of course. If you know what I’m saying.”

Much to the company’s chagrin, the ad has already been met with its own hailstorm of backlash, including from voices on the right.

“Black people dominate basketball? Give me a break!” said staunch conservative Donald Connors. “What about Larry Bird? What about all of the fantastic Russian players? This is nothing but woke white erasure, and I won’t stand for it! Larry Bird actually played a scrimmage in jeans one time, I’d like to see Michael Shaq or whoever do that!”

When reached for comment, AE’s board of directors simply gushed at how well spoken Charles Barkley is.

Punk House Doorbell Just Big Hole in Door You Scream Into

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ITHACA, N.Y. — Tenants of a local punk house solved their issue of not having a working doorbell by smashing a huge hole into the front door and asking guests to scream into it when they arrived, confirmed sources who couldn’t think of any other way around it.

“We all got sick and tired of our lazy-ass slumlord ignoring our requests for a working doorbell, so we did what any self-respecting punks would do and used a sledgehammer to smash a 10 by 8 hole into the front door,” punk house tenant Megan Marquez explained. “Now we know when our Grubhub driver is here to deliver food, or if they’re being brutally murdered. Not to mention the cross-breeze feels quite refreshing this time of year. The only downside is that we frequently mistake the screams coming from next door as guests ringing our new doorbell. Some people just do not have manners.”

Landlord Richard Stratford was less than pleased with the new addition.

“I showed up to do a routine inspection, and found bugs, bats, bees, plus a family of raccoons that made their way through the new ‘doorbell,’” Stratford said while patching up the hole with duct tape. “Not only that, but they have holes kicked in walls throughout the place, and they are calling them ‘doorbells’ too. They also took it upon themselves to make a bathroom doorbell, a crawl space doorbell, and an attic doorbell. I think I’m going to need to jack up their rent by a couple hundred bucks now.”

Skuz Wilson, dubbed the “Punk Rock Bob Vila,” made his career out of providing tips on DIY home projects.

“The old ‘smashing a hole in the door doorbell’ is a classic from my third video, ‘You Can Get Vomit Out of That, and Several Other DIY Work-Arounds,’” Wilson explained. “In that edition, I also provide a failsafe way to unclog your toilet using only a crowbar, as well as an easy way to put up that mailbox you’ve always wanted using only an axe. If you order now, I’ll even throw in a pack of smokes and a sixer of Steel Reserve! Just make sure to sign the mandatory waiver that comes with every DVD.”

At press time, the tenants of the punk house made their own in-ground pool using a tarp and mostly rain water.

What if the Most Punk Thing All Along Was Actually To Settle Down With a Husband and a Dog in a Comfortable but Modest Home in South Jersey?

Posted on by Malia Simon

As a lifelong punk coming up on my 29th birthday, I’m starting to have a lot of realizations about life: maybe my dad was right about the secret benefits of having a reliable income. Maybe a new toothbrush every year is worth the $ 7.99. Maybe my planters fasciitis would go away if I didn’t wear Doc Martens year round.

I know what you’re thinking. No, this isn’t me “settling down.” No, I’m not “naturally aging out of a phase in my twenties that was inevitably set to end once I got tired enough.” This is simply a change in my understanding of the word “punk,” a maturation of it, if you will. There are a lot of people who will tell you different things about what it means to be punk. Have any of us ever stopped to consider that perhaps the most punk thing was right under our noses all along? What if the most fuck-the-man, nonconformist thing one could possibly do was to find a pleasant man of 6’2, move to South Jersey, and buy a Vitamix for soup?

Listen, I’ve gone through the whole gamut. I know what it’s like to be you young bucks. I’ve bummed cigarettes from people at death metal basement shows. I’ve moshed at poetry readings in a junkie’s RV. I’ve boycotted Vitamin C. Don’t tell me I don’t know what punk is. If anyone knows punk, it’s me. I’ve simply come to the realization in my later years that none of that is as hardcore as waving to my neighbor Sam while he mows the lawn on a Sunday, getting 8 and a half good hours of sleep and owning an Australian Shepherd.

Dare I say nobody’s doing that. It’s like going “fuck the system” by acknowledging when the system makes my life better, which is pretty much all the time now. Did you guys know the system has some pretty neat farmers markets? I just got three radishes for 4.50. Not a lot of people know about this underground “exchanging money for goods and services” thing.

I know I still have it in me: if I wanted to mosh, I could. I am simply choosing the simple life, the free life, the life where my body has all its required vitamins. I’ll say it: I feel good. Healthy. Within the confines of the law. Is there anything more dangerous than that?

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