Man in Body Wash Aisle Debating Whether He Wants to Smell Like Wood or Stone

Posted on by Matt McInerney

BOULDER, Colo. — Local man Turner Eaton was seen standing in the soap aisle of CVS, debating whether to purchase body wash that would make him smell like stone or cedarwood, concerned sources confirmed.

“I didn’t even know that stone emits an aroma. I guess I can kind of picture a cedar fragrance. Actually, I think I’m just imagining drinking an old fashioned in the woods. These bottles are like 64 ounces, I just don’t want to make a three-month mistake,” said Eaton. “Why don’t they just make the body wash in green apple like my three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and aftershave? I know what an apple smells like! Oh god, this is going to end up smelling like AXE body spray, isn’t it?”

Florence Clay, Eaton’s long-time girlfriend, was worried he might spiral over this.

“This is my fault. A few months ago, I bought him a body wash that just said it smelled like ‘sport,’ whatever that means. Later I admitted I didn’t like the aroma. I just wanted to be nice since he’s always out of soap and usually stuck using his shampoo for his armpits. When I finally told him it reeked, he said he felt like he’d been living a lie,” said Clay. “I don’t know why he acts like I’m the de facto judge of this stuff. A year ago, I bought him a shirt that finally fits for the first time in his life, and now he treats me like the definitive source of all things that make him presentable to the world.”

Alonzo Waller, a creative director for the soap company Northbound, came up with the concept for these scents.

“Ah, yes, my finest work: the gravel and lumber scents. For years, men were worried about smelling like some wimpy flower or a fruit a toddler might eat. That was my inspiration. A man should smell strong… like a rock and timber!” said Waller, clenching his fist and shaking it in the air. “Before that, I’d never even worked with scents before! I used to be in apparel just a few years ago. I’m sure you know my work—I was the guy who invented the only four colors in the men’s section: navy, olive, maroon, and gray. That gem got me poached from Target.”

At press time, Eaton was seen distracted by a “tactical” flashlight display, painstakingly comparing the $38 bulb to the slightly brighter glow of his phone.

We Sat Down With the Dick Who Shoves Women Into Mosh Pits to Ask About His Other Efforts to Promote Gender Equity

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

The punk scene loudly promotes inclusivity. All are welcome, regardless of your age, race, religion, gender identity, or socioeconomic status, as long as you hate Donald Trump. But there is still a small cross-section of punk shows that can occasionally be openly hostile to female participants: the mosh pit. One man, Logan Hughes, seeks to single-handedly close the moshing gender gap with his actions. We insisted he speak with us after we saw him push several unsuspecting young women into the pit during a show.

The Hard Times: What the fuck was that about, man? Why would you do that?

Logan: I’m trying to encourage these women to participate in male-dominated punk spaces. That circle pit was an unwelcoming boys’ club until I stepped in to help.

HT: Is this a male-feminist thing you’re doing here?

Logan: Nobody ever changed the world by watching from the sidelines.

HT: But the woman you shoved was already moshing the entire night. She had stopped for 5 seconds to pick up someone who fell, but you shoved her away and that guy ended up getting trampled instead. He’s bleeding! How was this helpful to either of them?

Logan: Listen, it’s my duty as an ally to do whatever it takes to make sure women at punk shows have access to the same moshing opportunities as you or me. I don’t see you out here doing anything to help.

HT: Isn’t there some other way to accomplish that?

Logan: Of course. Being an ally can be as basic as supporting and encouraging the women in your life. Give them that small push, sometimes literally, to join a group they might not perceive as welcoming. But other times, it takes more effort to get to those marginalized women on the edge of the pit and show your support.

HT: And what might that involve?

Logan: Just getting in there and doing the work at every show to promote inclusivity. I slam into them with my best spin kicks and windmill my fists around to show that I think they’re just as worthy as a man to receive a crowdkilling. I don’t discriminate in the pit. If anything, I award preferential crowdkilling opportunities to the women I encounter on the edge of the pit

HT: Yeah, you’ve made that clear tonight. But there’s some risk involved in moshing, shouldn’t it be a personal choice to participate? Some people want to observe for a bit to gauge the energy before jumping in.

Logan: If I waited for them to willingly…excuse me, who are you?

At this point, we were approached by venue security to discuss another concertgoer’s accusation that Logan had groped her while she was crowd surfing. In light of this news, and in the interest of professionalism, we decided to wrap up our interview early and punch Logan hard in the stomach on our way out. We were unable to determine what else Logan does to help ensure women have equal access to punk spaces.

Dave Mustaine Starts Second, Rival Retirement Organization After Being Kicked Out of AARP

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.

“I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it’s definitely not over,” Mustaine said. “If the suits over at AARP think they’ve seen the last of me, they are sorely mistaken. Everybody knows Megadeth is the biggest and most well-known thrash metal band, and I’m going to do the same thing with this new retirement organization. It’s going to offer better and more accomplished healthcare advocacy, consumer fraud education, and discounts than they do. I’m not sure what exactly their problem is, but we’ll see who’s an ‘insufferable asshole’ when my organization usurps theirs as the premier interest group for seniors.”

AARP rep Latricia Montgomery offered her side of the story.

“Traditionally, the AARP hasn’t had to expel members,” Montgomery explained. “However, we had no choice but to make an exception with Mr. Mustaine. Never in the organization’s 6 decades have we dealt with someone so disagreeable and cantankerous. His constant emails and intrusions at chapter meetings were such disruptions to our operations that we had to ask him to leave. He’s certainly welcome to come back on a trial basis if he can temper his demeanor, but I really don’t see that happening. If you had been present in our exchanges with him, you’d understand my lack of optimism that he’ll change his ways and become more pleasant to interact with. I wish him well with this new organization of his, but I fear he’s going to continue to have issues like this when he works with other people.”

Sociologist Linda French offered her expertise on the matter.

“Actions of famous geriatric musicians can often reflect what we see in their professional lives,” French offered. “I recently did a case study of Sammy Hagar making a mall-walking club decidedly worse after joining, and King Diamond once converted an entire congregation to Satanism after joining his church’s hymnal group. Unfortunately, this also holds true with individuals who are known to be objectionable by other members of their bands. Frankly, given what we all know about Mr. Mustaine, I’m surprised he lasted so long in AARP before getting kicked out.”

At press time, every other member of Mustaine’s new retirement organization had left, and he was searching for new people to replace them.

Man Still Grieving Radio Station That Went Off the Air 20 Years Ago

Posted on by Ben Friedman

EATONTOWN, N.J. — Local man Brian Johanssen admitted that he is still grieving the loss of his favorite radio station despite the fact it went off the air over 20 years ago, those close to him have reported.

“Until I was 17, the only thing that mattered to me was 106.3 WHTG. DJs were like a cool older sibling who’d turn you on to the best alt-rock bands before they blew up. Imagine waking up one day to find they changed formats to Top 40 pop music overnight without warning. You’d be carrying trauma for over two decades too,” said Johanssen. “I know stations changing genres is a part of life, but I never even got to say goodbye! Yeah, I can listen to all the bands they played on Spotify, but until a Jersey native plays ‘Mother, Mother’ by Tracy Bonham followed by the local surfing conditions on my radio for me, my heart remains broken.”

Johanssen’s wife expressed concern over his inability to let go.

“When we started dating he told me in passing that it was the only station he listened to his entire childhood. It’s only recently I realized he has full-blown PTSD from its demise, like when I caught him giving his tattered WHTG poster in the garage the thousand-yard stare or when he brings up that Matt Pinfield used to work there and then starts weeping,” said Sarah Johanssen. “His grief is manifesting itself into annoying shit though, like building a radio station in the shed and emailing the old DJs to come play R.E.M. deep cuts with him. He needs to move on already.”

WHTG’s previous station manager still stood by his decision even after all this time.

“The only way we make money is through ads. I’m fucking sorry if our market research showed brain dead pop music generated more revenue than plaid shirt clad hipsters spinning At the Drive-In,” said Vinny Palapolis. “To this day I still can’t get over how attached some folks are to FM radio. I still have nightmares about the time I switched up a hard rock station to country and a bunch of metalheads tried to burn down the studio that night. Get a life!”

As of press time, neighbors in the area of the station confirmed that a figure dressed in black and looking similar to Johanssen has been seen laying flowers at the station antenna.

5 Flagrant Violations of Arizona Boating Law We Found in the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee Sex Tape

Posted on by Tim Sheard

If you’re a millennial or older, you probably remember “Stolen Honeymoon,” the leaked, mid-nineties sex footage of then-newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee filmed largely on a houseboat on the waters of Lake Mead, Arizona. You might even have managed to procure a copy for yourself, or at least were able to sneak a viewing of it from a friend’s father’s collection. However, we at the Hard Times never got that chance, and only recently thought to access it on the Internet.

While we pride ourselves in reporting punk news, we want to make one thing absolutely clear: there is absolutely nothing “punk” about refusing to adhere to boating laws written to ensure the safety of all participating in maritime activities, be they professional or recreational. With that having been established, what we saw in “Stolen Honeymoon” was such a shocking and horrifying display of thoughtless abandon that we would consider ourselves criminally negligent if we didn’t call them out. As such, here are 5 of the most flagrant violations of Arizona boating law we were unfortunate enough to witness in this video.

  1. Insufficient Personal Floatation Devices (PFD)

This is a big one. According to Arizona law, all vessels are required to have an easily accessible, Coast Guard-approved PFD for each person on board, yet nary is seen within reach throughout the entirety of the video. Both Anderson and Lee show a wanton disregard for this statute, and Anderson even goes so far as to enter the waters without a swimsuit, let alone a PFD at the ready. As the presumed owner of the boat, it was Lee’s job to ensure both he and his exhibitionist new wife had one before venturing out on the lake for their nautical journey of sucking and fucking. In failing to do so, he put both of them in mortal danger of inclement weather-induced choppy waters or an accident resulting from poor stewardship (more on that to come.) We can only count our blessings that neither occurred.

  1. Unlawful Use of Foghorn

Each boat should come equipped with a foghorn whose designated purpose is to alert other vessels of its presence, particularly when the water’s conditions have significantly hampered visibility (e.g. fog.) It can also be used to warn of potential hazards in the paths of others. It is not a toy to be operated needlessly and gratuitously with your oversized penis, as Lee so heedlessly demonstrates in the video. Doing so can cause unnecessary stress on other boaters who may be in the area, which may further result in hazardous situations for which, as we’ve established in Violation #1, neither party was equipped.

  1. Reckless Operation

While at the helm of the boat, it is of utmost importance to maintain consistent awareness of the vessel’s speed, propeller area, and position relative to any potential hazard markers. This requires the operator to be seated upright with both hands firmly upon the wheel. Completely naked while intermittently steering with his feet, and sometimes even leaving the helm altogether without anchoring, Lee exhibits a disdain for these regulations which would almost be comical if it weren’t so dangerous. Shame on you, Tommy.

  1. Failure to Give Way to Restricted Vessel

As Anderson is swimming nude in the water next to the (presumably) unanchored boat, we hear another vessel approaching. From the sound of the motor, this is clearly a Crestliner 1860 Retriever CC Tunnel, which of course is a fishing boat. As we all know, fishing boats are considered restricted within designated areas, so it would have been incumbent upon Lee to ensure sufficient passage for the Crestliner. Predictably, he does not do this, instead choosing to implore his spouse to reveal her submerged breasts to him. This not only put the two of them in danger, but the poor inhabitants of the oncoming Crestliner as well. Lee would be well served in keeping his priorities in check next time, lest tragedy result.

  1. Sitting on Gunwale While Boat is Unmoored

Towards the end of the video, we see Anderson teasing Lee by repeatedly revealing her pubis while seated perilously on the boat’s gunwale. Such behavior is committed at a profound and unwarranted risk to her safety, especially given the lack of PFD as outlined in Violation #1. While it was surely Lee’s responsibility to ensure his boatmate had a thorough knowledge of the boat’s designated seating at the onset of their excursion, Anderson is not completely without fault for not letting common sense dictate her physical location before she began to digitally penetrate herself. Honestly, this complete breakdown of passenger welfare can be placed squarely on both of their shoulders.

There you have it. While this list is by no means exhaustive, it should provide the reader with more than enough information to conclude that these two have a lot to learn when it comes to sensible and conscientious boating. The statute of limitations on these transgressions may have long since passed, but we firmly believe they will be held wholly accountable in the court of public opinion for generations to come.

Panicked Ian MacKaye Frantically Calling Documentarians After Remembering Anecdote About ‘80s Hardcore He Hasn’t Told Anyone Yet

Posted on by James Knapp

WASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a harried effort to report to any documentarian available that he just remembered something else from the ‘80s, the source himself confirmed, repeatedly.

“I had just dropped into the old ice cream shop where I used to work to grab a scoop when all of a sudden I remembered this amazing anecdote that I hadn’t already told, like, six different well-known documentaries,” gasped MacKaye, still out of breath and spattered with old man blood. “Get this: I once shared a tuna melt with Joey Splatter of The Splatter Bunch — and the bread was a little dry! That’s something people will definitely want to hear about. I mean, we weren’t trying to start a movement with this bread. Now which camera am I supposed to be looking into?”

Sixty-seven-year-old ‘80s hardcore fan Russell “Really Really Rusty” Rusendorf was ecstatic about the recent revelation from MacKaye.

“Oh my golly, a new tale! Why this could change the way we view the entire DC hardcore scene!” wheezed Rusendorf into his oxygen canister while still smoking a Parliament Light. “I thought I’d heard it all, probably five or nine times already. But to think that there’s something that Mr. MacKaye hasn’t said into a microphone yet — if I don’t hear that before I die, then I’ll just die. So be quick about the editing on that new documentary.”

Documentarian Lindsey Groves appeared less optimistic that this new anecdote would “change the perception of ‘80s hardcore from this day for all days to come.”

“Look, I hate to be the one to have to bring this up, but, has anyone considered that [MacKaye] may need to be entered into assisted living? Like, does he have grandchildren or any nieces or nephews under 50 that I should call?” remarked Groves. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t think this guy has anything insightful left in the tank. After he told me about the sandwich we hung on the phone in silence for a minute before he just started listing off the various new Lego kits he wished he had when he was growing up. Yes, I know they used to just be blocks! What does that have to do with hardcore?”

At press time, MacKaye was seen rushing back to the treat shop where employees reported he had forgotten to actually take his ice cream.

Breakup Deemed Insufficiently Traumatic to Inspire Soul-Searching Album

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND, Ore. — The recent breakup between aspiring singer-songwriter Davy Briggs and girlfriend of two months Evelyn Hanna was deemed insufficiently traumatic to inspire a soul-searching breakthrough album that will touch millions of sensitive souls, sources say.

“I was kind of devastated when Evelyn broke up with me,” Briggs explained. “So I naturally started laying down some tracks before the anguish subsided. Then I realized she was actually pretty cool and upfront about why she didn’t see a future with me and, honestly, neither one of us had all that much invested. Plus, we’re going to see each other around town and it’ll just be awkward to pretend that two months of hanging out is a pivotal moment in my artistic development. I mean, I didn’t even have a toothbrush at her place. I don’t think that’s a decent bar for 12 tracks of contemplative acoustic melancholy.”

Juliana Barroso, a longtime friend, sometime musical collaborator, and frequent reluctant listener of demos of Briggs’, agreed with his assessment of the collapsed relationship’s inability to summon the very spirit of lacerating heartbreak in musical form.

“From my understanding, it was a mutual breakup and he was only sad for a good 36 hours,” said Barroso. “However, he was looking up how much it cost to rent out an isolated cabin where the bittersweet memories of love could transform into an album that spoke for his dashed hopes and dreams, but when he saw the price-tag on those things, he was just like ‘fuck that.’ I thought the two of them were a cute couple, but let’s be honest: they met on Tinder, went to see a movie three or four times, and, apparently, did hand stuff regularly. Not exactly a relationship that needs to be immortalized forever.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist, says that realizing that not every breakup has the necessary amount of creative trauma potential to create a masterpiece is actually a very good sign for Briggs’ mental health.

“It’s quite normal for the recently dumped to think that their romantic failure could be the source for a generational collection of songs,” said Carter. “But frankly, Briggs and Hanna’s relationship merits may be a B-side or an EP with more than one remixed version of a song, at best. The fact that he can acknowledge is actually a huge step forward for him, though given that he’s a wannabe indie musician, he’s got a fuckton of work to do on himself regardless.”

As of press time, Hanna was realizing that she didn’t feel like listening to “Jagged Little Pill” anymore and couldn’t relate to any part of it.

Opinion: The Thing I Love the Most About My Cybertruck Is How It Helped to Usher in the Most Embarrassing Authoritarian State the World Has Ever Seen

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Oh man, have you seen my Cybertruck? It’s so fucking sick, dude. Just look at it. It’s like something straight out of a 1980s dystopian future movie that would show some titties and full-frontal hairy bush.

It’s fully electric, has those headlights that look like a fucking Cylon from “Battlestar Galactica,” it’s just fucking amazing and I love it. But I think the thing I love the most about it is how it helped to bring about the most jaw-droppingly embarrassing government in the history of the human race.

Every time I get behind the wheel of this absolutely badass piece of machinery I just marvel at the technology and innovation that went into making this sick ass truck. First of all, it’s made out of stainless steel just like the DeLorean from “Back to the Future” and can tow up to 11,000 pounds which will come in handy if Elon Musk ever makes a Cyber boat that I can haul or if I ever need to tow another Cybertruck that has broken down or gotten stuck off-road in a small amount of dirt.

All that said though, it just makes me feel good knowing that a portion of the nearly $100,000 I spent on my Cybertruck has helped to fund a corrupt and incomprehensibly stupid regime built on a platform of mediocrity and world-ending greed.

I mean sure, the windshield cracked when an acorn fell on it and I can’t get a replacement for it for six months and there’s a weird rattling sound that I can’t seem to find. And also sometimes when I plug it in to charge it I get a shock and taste burnt almonds for the rest of the day and it kind of bums me out. But then I think about how Elon Musk is starting something called the Department of Government Efficiency, which he calls DOGE, and I start laughing my ass off. Sometimes I laugh so hard and I pass out and smack my head on the concrete. My doctor is legitimately concerned if it happens again I might die, so Elon please stop making me crack up so often.

Do you get it? It’s like those dog memes from fifteen years ago. It’s so genius! And I gotta say I just feel good about myself and how… sorry I just thought about “DOGE” again and started laughing. So good!

Local Band With Just Drummer and Guitarist Must Have Time Traveled From 2011

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

SAN DIEGO — Local indie noise band Static Teeth, which consists of just a drummer and a guitarist, left confused showgoers wondering if the duo had time-traveled from 2011.

“I’m shocked, honestly. I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Abigail Moreno, a regular at the DIY venue Pit Stain. “Bands with just a drummer and a guitarist? Now? No way. I haven’t seen one since Bradley Cooper was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I’m starting to think the only way Static Teeth exists is if they time-traveled from like, the early 2010s. They’re selling burned CDs at their merch table and telling people to follow them on MySpace and Tumblr. But that’s ridiculous, right? Time travel isn’t real…it couldn’t be.”

Bryce Shepard, drummer and vocalist for Static Teeth, says the theories surrounding the band are ludicrous and they are just like any other band.

“We aren’t musicians sent to the future to revive a dead scene, we are just a couple of guys trying to push sonic boundaries,” said Shepard, nervously sweeping his bangs from his eyes. “Yep. 2023 is when we were formed. That’s the year. Last year. 2023. We even have TikTok! Which everyone knows is an app for smartphones—not just a chart-topping Kesha song from 2009. Wow…2009. That sure was a long time ago, huh? TikTok has a lot of funny videos. But have you seen the music video for a song called ‘Friday’ by Rebecca Black? It’s hilarious!”

Dr. Rex Chronos, a self-proclaimed expert on time travelers and founder of the Council of Time Exploration, says it’s not out of the realm of possibility that a drummer/guitarist band might seek to time travel to the present day.

“Everyone remembers 2011 as the year of the royal wedding and ‘tiger blood,’ but it was also a year where it seemed like every other band was just a drummer and guitarist,” said Chronos. “If you were in a duo like that back then, you had a tough time gaining an audience. However, if you were the son of General Mark Shepard, who led the top secret Project Meridian at the DOD’s Cheyenne Mountain Complex, you could easily find yourself exploring new audiences across different times. I’m just sayin’.”

At press time, a frustrated Shepard was seen backstage trying to update his iPhone 4S.

Getting Bloodwork Done Significantly Less Metal Than Carcass Fan Was Hoping

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local metalhead and rabid Carcass fan Nick Patterson was shocked to learn that despite how it sounds, bloodwork is actually pretty boring, sources confirmed.

“I asked the nurse when I’d be covered in the sickly warm embrace of my own arterial spray” explained Patterson. “But they said it’s rare to nick an artery when drawing blood. I mean, Carcass makes medical stuff sound so gnarly, so I assumed that the ruthless extrication of the essence of my being for diabolical and torturous means would bring me agonizing pain. I pictured them cutting open my chest with a rusty knife, ripping out my heart with their bare hands, and then juicing my vital organ like a lemon to get the blood. Instead, they asked a distracting question about my dog and suddenly said ‘all done’ and slapped on a cute bandage before shuffling me out of the room. I didn’t even feel the needle. Not to mention I was given absolutely no time to windmill.”

The medical staff mentioned while Patterson seemed a bit confused, his labs were completely standard.

“His triglycerides looked great, but his LDL and Non-HDL were both higher than we’d like,” said Patterson’s medical provider, Lara Hernandez. “Nothing to worry about, he should just cut down on the fast food and carbs a bit. But for someone his age, overall, things looked good. However, he did mention he was very disappointed in the lack of scalpels and bone saws lying around. I politely reminded him that medicine has come a long way since the Middle Ages, and then he asked if he could see inside his own veins. It was weird.”

Patterson is one of many in a long line of metalheads who seem to take the lyrical content of their favorite bands a bit too seriously.

“It’s honestly becoming a bit of a problem,” opined Jeff Walker, primary lyricist for Carcass “People are taking everything we say literally. It’s actually pushed us to head in a new direction going forward. Our new album is called ‘How to Properly Apply a Tourniquet’ and is filled with genuine medical advice. And at the end, it helps you sign up for health insurance. Not that the Affordable Care Act is long for this world, though.”

At press time, a disillusioned Patterson was seen googling “Does Corpsegrinder even cum blood?”