Help! I Took the Midnight Train Going Anywhere and Ended Up in Missouri

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve made some questionable choices in my life, the biggest one being that I really thought that living and dying in South Detroit was a solid life plan. Why I thought manufacturing jobs would come back to the city is beyond me, but it dawned on me yesterday I had to get out of town immediately or else I’d never leave.

I mean I’ve worked hard to get my fill so I want a thrill dammit. Next thing I know, I’m at Michigan Central Station taking the midnight train going anywhere to start a new life. Unfortunately, that decision landed me smack dab in the middle of the shithole they call Missouri.

Turns out most of the trains leaving shitty places go to other shitty places. Who knew?

I know where I’m from isn’t exactly the gem of the Midwest but I am in awe that people choose to live here. At least in South Detroit there was actual culture. The only place signs of life near my final stop is this depressing dive bar where everyone is smoking like chimneys. I assume they ended up here on a whim too and are trying to kill themselves as quickly as possible. It’s my own damn fault asking for the cheapest train out of the city.

I want to kick myself for not shelling out the extra $7 to go somewhere cool like Chicago. Protomartyr is playing the Empty Bottle tonight and I’m stuck listening to some guy who thinks he was born to sing the blues. God I miss Motown.

The craziest part is I met this girl on the train who did the exact same thing as me! What are the fucking odds? We actually shared a moment until she went on and on and on about the small town she was from, and it sounded a little too “sundowny” for my liking. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to get away or looking to start over in an even more racist town.

Like I get it. When you roll the dice on a mystery train ticket, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. I just never thought the losing end would involve food options that look like they’re from an alternate universe. Have you ever seen a St. Louis bagel? I would take another midnight train going anywhere again so long as it takes me to real food.

It’s like a bad movie that never ends. Fuck this place, fuck the Chiefs, and fuck Amtrak’s rail network.

Residents of Crust Punk House Completely Unaware They’ve Been Transported to the Cenobite Dimension

Posted on by Steve Packosky

THE LABYRINTH — Residents of a crust punk house were seemingly unaware that they were inhabiting the Cenobite dimension, terrified sources confirmed.

“I woke up around noon, which is early for me,” resident Jason Thifton said as he absent-mindedly walked down a long, cobweb-laden corridor littered with severed body parts and bloody chains. “I would’ve kept on sleeping, but there was this naked guy on the floor in my bedroom scrawling ‘I AM IN HELL HELP ME’ in blood on my bedroom wall. I didn’t recognize him, but he must be one of my roommate Cole’s friends. I wanted to just sit on my bed and practice my bass a little, but some skinless lady emerged from a blood stain that got on my mattress after my new back tattoo got infected. I don’t know if she’s here because she’s banging Cole, or what.”

Visiting friend Gina Crowley was taken aback by what she saw upon entering the house.

“I swung by to see if Jason and Cole wanted to go to the dive bar down the street, and their house looked completely unrecognizable,” Crowley reported as she disgustedly shook a discarded human ear off her combat boot. “As soon as I stepped into the front door, I was in this maze of hallways filled with people screaming in agony as these horrible beings were torturing them. Luckily I ran into my friends, but they were just smoking cigarettes and listening to Nausea. I don’t even think they noticed that they were surrounded by fresh pools of viscera.”

Lead Cenobite Pinhead was frustrated by the apparent lack of an effect he and his brethren had on the crust punks.

“Here in the Labyrinth, pain and pleasure are one,” Pinhead provided. “While I feel that the tears shed in anticipation of my work are a waste of good suffering, I do secretly love to see them. I was not, however, expecting to be met with complete indifference like I was with these two. Usually, people cower and wail at the mere sight of me, but I don’t even think they noticed me. I shudder to think of whatever hell they inhabited before they made their way here.”

At press time, Thifton had unwittingly escaped the Cenobite dimension and was delighted at getting a free meal after being kidnapped and forced to sit at the dinner table with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family.

Report: 70% of Punk’s Hydration Sourced from Melted Ice In Vodka Soda

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A new report out of Stanford University reported that 70% of the average punk’s hydration is sourced from the melted ice in their vodka sodas.

“Most of the individuals we studied were receiving daily hydration mainly from drinks that were abandoned for 15 to 30 minutes while they smoked a cigarette and gravely reminisced on a better time before they blacked out, or someone who offered them a cup of water instead of kicking them out of the bar,” said Hugh Dwebe, a researcher from Stanford Medical School, who completed a survey amongst the only 13 punks who would “get that close to an institution.” “Demographics with similar findings included 70 year old male retirees and 19 year old sorority girls. Several of the test subjects reported dizziness and nausea, but we couldn’t determine whether that was from the lack of hydration or the effects of alcohol overconsumption. That’s a study for another time.”

Local punk Jeremy Scotts confirmed the report firsthand.

“It’s like a nice reward at the end of my drink. I chug the double shot vodka soda and then I drink water at the end of it. It cancels out. Like PEMDAS,” said Scotts before he paused to snort a mix of what appeared to be wheatgrass and ketamine. “I’ve actually become really healthy this year. My diet is mostly plant based where I mainly consume edibles and Marlboro Golds. Also, I’ve been on a raw diet, you know, where you don’t use condoms. I didn’t even know I was on it to be honest.”

Scotts’ doctor seemed less than concerned about his habits.

“Hey man, his tests are looking positively fine! I mean, positive. For eye syphilis. And chlamydia. And strep. Dehydration is actually the least of his concerns,” said Dr. Gregory Pembrooke while pointing directly at his medical degree from The University of Phoenix with coffee stains on it. “Sure, he often coughs for two straight minutes, but listen to those lungs! They’re working! We need to be more grateful that we’re alive, and that we’re up and moving. Sure, technically we need water to live, but we also need booze to work in tandem with the H2O. They keep each other in check.”

At press time, Stanford University released a new study revealing that another 20% of all punks get all of their hydration needs met by drinking PBR exclusively.

A Lot of Successful Performers Will Say “I Couldn’t Have Done It Without My Fans,” but Not Me — Guest Post by Billy Corgan

Posted on by Dan Rice

Listen to any random musician giving an award acceptance speech and there’s about a 9/10 chance you will hear that artist thanking their fans, perhaps even saying they couldn’t have “done it” without them. I’ve gotta say, that’s always puzzled me. I’ve never been sure how that ended up in the cookie-cutter award speech template. I would like to go on record as saying that I do not thank my fans for a single thing, I do not need them, and if anything they should be thanking me more.

This is woke, snowflake, everybody-gets-a-trophy culture at its absolute worst. You need me to thank you? For MY music? The music I gave you to enjoy that couldn’t have possibly made yourself in a million years? Oh thank you fans, thank you SO MUCH for ALLOWING ME to give you the GIFT that is my songwriting!

It’s bad enough I have to deal with James Iha getting credit for MY guitar work, or having Darcy spread a bunch of lies about me and then verifying them with screengrabs of texts I sent her, now I’m expected to lie that my fans had any hand in the music I’ve created? Oh, because it’s “polite?” I’m sorry, but everything I’ve created was created by me alone, that’s what makes it special, and if you can’t handle that truth, you’re a fucking snowflake.

As far as I’m concerned, The Smashing Pumpkins could just be me, alone on a stage performing some of the most beautiful music of this century to a completely empty arena. It’s not like anyone else knows how to properly enjoy my music anyway—I wrote it, that makes me the best at listening to it. I suppose I need fans to buy concert tickets and t-shirts, but honestly if there was a way for me to just buy all that stuff and still make money I would, in a heartbeat.

If you’re a Smashing Pumpkins fan, congratulations, you’ve got two ears that work the way God intended them to. It’s not, however, something you deserve thanks or appreciation for. In fact, you know what, you’re fired. You’re a toxic drug addict, and I don’t need you even listening to this band. Have fun crawling back to your safe spaces, I’ll be in the studio creating masterpieces, after hours of course, where no one can complain about me re-recording their parts or make direct eye contact.

CIA Installs New Frontman When Punk Band Becomes Too Political

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

WASHINGTON — Frontman Abha Alvarez of punk band Kissinger’s Prostate disappeared suddenly and was replaced with unknown musician Holden Everett mid-tour after Alvarez performed a new song “Red, White, and Profit” targeting American imperialism, leading some to suspect CIA involvement, fans of the band report.

“Abha did this song about how American democracy is just another form of feudalism. We knew that our music was rubbing some powerful people the wrong way, this may have been the last straw,” said bassist Lynn Sullivan after realizing all of Alvarez’s social media had been wiped. “The next morning we woke up and this blonde guy named Holden was driving the tour van. He said Alvarez quit and he is our new frontman. Now our whole set-list is Toby Keith covers and songs about how punk it is to enlist in the Army.”

When questioned about the sudden shakeup, a CIA spokesperson neither confirmed nor denied involvement but issued a statement:

“The CIA is committed to protecting the best interests of America and the American people, whether that’s abroad or in niche music scenes,” the unnamed spokesperson stated from the shadows of a barely-lit venue bathroom. “We’ll continue to support efforts that promote democracy and the Constitution, even when it comes to bands with only 74 followers on Bandcamp.”

Historians explained this type of intervention isn’t unprecedented or even uncommon.

“Guatemala, Chile, The Congo… the CIA has a long track record of toppling regimes they find inconvenient to American policies,” explained Dr. Morgan Palladino, an expert in U.S. covert operations at Georgetown University. “It’s no surprise they’d apply the same tactics to punk bands that criticize the establishment and fill young peoples’ heads with ideas they find un-American. Many people believe that Dez Cadena was a CIA plant in Black Flag and that his whole career is a government psyop.”

At press time, Everett has taken full control of the group and replaced all members with session musicians loyal to himself, and renamed the band The Free Marketeers.

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week Instead of Sticking To Our Resolutions

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

New year, new you, right? Wrong. You’ve spent the past week essentially maintaining your increasingly sad status quo despite several drunken proclamations to do the opposite. We want to help you better yourself, and while many disagree, new music is one of the best ways to trick your brain into thinking you’re reinventing yourself. Here are five new songs hand-picked for you by the members of our staff that bothered to show up this week.

Saetia ‘Tendrils’

If you’ve walked near our office over the past couple of days, you’ve probably been concerned about all the muffled screams emanating from the windows. Normally, you’d be right to be alarmed. On this occasion, though, the blood-curdling sonic hellscape you heard was simply our staff’s joyous response to screamo legends Saetia releasing their first single in almost 30 decades.

Thursday ‘Taking Inventory Of A Frozen Lake’

It seems like it was just yesterday that most of us were sitting around wondering if Thursday would ever release new music again. Now, we can’t seem to take a breath without the beloved post-hardcore outfit hitting us with yet another epic masterpiece. ‘Taking Inventory Of A Frozen Lake’ finds the band sounding more urgent than ever, and comes with a suggestion that there is more to come.

Dick Valentine ‘Big Money Day’

If you found yourself at any number of early 2000s-themed dance parties on New Year’s Eve, there’s a good chance you heard Electric Six’s ‘Danger! High Voltage’ and thought to yourself ‘I wonder what happened to that weirdo band?’ Not only are they very much still active, but their lead singer Dick Valentine just released a new solo album. One of our writers called it an ‘Americana masterpiece’ which is really concerning for the state of modern Americana.

Slowlight ‘Pepe Silvia’

Scottish indie-rockers Slowlight are currently celebrating their tenth year as a band, and by the sound of their latest single ‘Pepe Silvia’ you’d think they just formed. It only took six months for your last band to sound like one that had given up entirely, so it’s impressive to hear such energy pouring out of a group with a full decade behind them. If you resolved to have more fun this year, start here.

Yawners ‘1 de enero’

Your DuoLingo Owl notifications have been getting increasingly threatening now that you’ve completely abandoned your resolution to finally learn Spanish. You should probably just delete the app, but you’re haunted by the bird’s eyes and are afraid you’ll be consumed by guilt. Maybe you just need a jumpstart in the form of Madrid’s Yawners. Their latest single ‘1 de enero’ (Duo will tell you that means January 1), is so fun you’ll be chomping at the bit to understand the lyrics.

Though it may be a new year, we know you have a tendency to live in the past. Might as well apply some revisionist history and pretend you were in the know last year as well. Click here to listen to every song we listened to in 2024 while we recover from our post-holiday coma and make this year’s playlist:

Embarrassing: Drone Metal Fan Comes In 27 Minutes Early With Air Guitar

Posted on by Matt McInerney

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley reportedly came in 27 minutes early with his air guitar at a recent show, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what came over me. I’ve seen them before. And I’ve dedicated hundreds of hours listening to that song, so I’ve heard it at least tens of times—I promise I know when the only riff comes in. I think I just zoned out and got a little excited,” said Riley as he hid by the stairs, wishing he’d brought a jacket to hide under. “I just hope no one saw me. Or if they did, maybe I can redeem myself later in the show with some air drums. But I’m a little worried that I can’t hold my arms out still for that long.”

Corbin Mata, Riley’s friend and roommate, attended the show with him.

“We’ve all made mistakes like this. Hell, I’ve made bigger mistakes like this on stage. The thing is, usually no one really notices or dwells on it like you do…usually. But this was a huge gesture in the middle of a completely still room. No one will ever forget,” said Mata, shuffling away slowly. “Anyway, I think I might head to the back and see if the band has any shirts for sale. And maybe pants. And a hat. And glasses. Oh, a bandana would be good! Or maybe they’ll give me a paper bag with it?”

Trent Perkins, the longtime merch guy for the band Quaalude Phase, unfortunately saw it all.

“The live show opener never changes. It’s always a 37-minute hum. On the dot. Sometimes the guys just hang their guitars from the rafters and take a piss while it rings out. We’ve even got it on a timer,” said Perkins. “I get it, though—it puts you in kind of a meditative state. You lose track of time. Understandable, but boy, did that guy look like an idiot. Look, I even got it on video. Is ‘Errant Drone Strike’ too insensitive for my TikTok caption?”

At press time, Riley was struggling to recover after biting into the frozen center of a Hot Pocket.

How I Got My Parents Back Together by Becoming Their Common Enemy

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Your parents are kind of like real-life superheroes when you’re growing up, so when they sit you down at the tender age of 26 to inform you of their divorce, it’s like watching Wonder Woman break up the Justice League. “But I don’t want to have two bedrooms!,” you’ll cry, or, “Wonder Woman, is it possible those pictures you found on Batman’s phone of his old coworker, Commissioner Gordon, were meant for somebody else?”

Look, I get it. Imagining your parents finding love again with other people and becoming happier than you’ve ever known them to be is a scary thought, but I’m here to tell you that you can fix this and get them back together. And all you have to do is become their common enemy.

Phase I

As you navigate your way through the world of becoming a functioning nemesis, you’ll find that most guys out there will recommend you execute small acts of vengeance and then gradually move on to larger retributions. Steal the linens, egg the house, kidnap the parrot for a bit and teach it a few curse words in German—I agree that these are all serviceable first steps.

But I know you’re here for the good stuff, and maybe even an autograph later, so listen up: Those tires on Mom and Dad’s ugly-ass Mini Coopers? No match for the Swiss army knife your father gave you for those camping trips that you’re apparently no longer important enough to be invited to. Symbolism!

Then leave notes telling them both to take the trolley and meet you at the restaurant you all used to go to back when there was still meaning in your life.

Phase II

Here’s the deal: you could walk away right now and leave your parents hanging without once escalating your villainy, but then I’d have to call you a pussy. Because here’s what you’d miss: Your parents—alone—on the same trolley. No driver (Oh no.). No brakes (Uh-oh!). A fork in the road—do you see where I’m going with this? On one track: your stepfather, tied-up, unconscious. The other: Commissioner Gordon—he helped ruin your folks’ marriage, so he doesn’t deserve “stepdad” status.

Boom! Your classic philosophical quandary that I’m sure has a name but I haven’t looked it up to be sure. Can’t you just feel the tension in the air? Watch as their hands gingerly brush against the other as they either change tracks or stay the course? Do you think they’ll kiss? Will they run over the lamest guy?

Phase III

Thankfully the tram won’t be diabolical enough to finish the job—but that’s where you come in! Because as your parents find comfort in each other’s company at the hospital with whatever spouse got Sophie’s Choice’d, you’ll reveal the final step of your grand scheme. Surprise! You just so happen to be the CEO of that poor sap’s health insurance provider, and you’ve determined that their life-threatening streetcar lacerations are a pre-existing condition. And by “pre-existing” you mean they’ve existed that way in your mind ever since they decided to tear your world apart.

If you’ve followed this outline correctly, you can expect your parents to join forces once more and beat you within an inch of your life in the hopes of removing you from the bloodline for good. And if they ever find it in their hearts to forgive you, you’ll be a family again in no time—or however long it takes to finish your rounds of physical therapy.

Dee Snider Celebrates 40 Years of Inexplicably Being Seen as Some Sort of Metal Icon

Posted on by Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — Metal frontman and former singer of Twisted Sister Dee Snider celebrated four decades of being seen as a metal icon for no discernible reason, sources confirmed.

“Ever since I testified before the Parents Music Resource Center in 1985, I’ve taken the metal world completely by storm,” Snider reported. “I love that there’s rarely a documentary or book about metal music that doesn’t have me expressing my opinion in some shape or form. Everybody knows that Twisted Sister is one of the best and most prolific metal bands of all time, not to mention my storied solo career, so it makes total sense. Honestly, all metalheads should consider themselves lucky that I’m constantly on the sidelines providing my opinion on their favorite genre.”

Metalhead Christy Alaiya seemed confused about Snider’s constant presence.

“I never really understood why that guy is featured in fucking everything dealing with metal,” Alaiya complained. “He was in a two-hit wonder glam band in the eighties, so why the hell do I see him in interviews talking about how Cannibal Corpse’s music ‘took it a little too far for him’ and complaining about how he doesn’t like death metal vocals? Who cares? I mean, the cover of Iron Maiden’s ‘Wasted Years’ he was on a while back was alright, but I’d much rather hear the original. I tried to listen to Twisted Sister’s ‘Come Out and Play’ once, and I just couldn’t do it. If we’re going to have boomer metal representation, give me King Diamond or Tom Warrior any day of the week. Hell, I’d take Dave Mustaine’s opinion over Dee Snider’s. At least the music he released in the eighties was good.”

Metal historian Bertrand Tevis provided his expertise on the matter.

“So-called ‘representatives’ of metal music are often seen as such for unclear reasons,” Tevis offered. “In my opinion, VH1 has historically been the largest reason for this. One need only watch their laughable metal documentary series from the mid-2000s, or ‘That Metal Show’ to understand where I’m coming from. Thanks to these, metalheads were subjected to completely extraneous opinions held by people like Chris Jericho and Eddie Trunk, and people with a passing interest in metal now think it died out completely in the nineties.”

At press time, KISS was seen celebrating their career of inexplicably being seen by so many as one of the best metal bands in history.

19-Year-Old Who Can Name and Fix Any Piece of Vape Puts “Mechanic” on Resume

Posted on by Livy Berry

TAMPA, Fla. — Local 19-year-old Cody Carson reportedly declared his advanced vape expertise by writing “mechanic” on his otherwise quite short resume, confirmed sources.

“Yeah, I can fix pretty much anything you put in front of me, more often than not it’s an issue with the coil, but you really want a professional like me to take a look, otherwise you risk drawing an unsafe current,” said Carson before also updating his LinkedIn profile. “Last week, I managed to fix my buddy’s broken vape by working the shaft to successfully vaporize his e-liquid. I feel I’ve truly learned everything I need to learn. I wouldn’t have put ‘mechanic’ on my resume if I didn’t think I had earned it, and that’s why I feel so proud to see it at the top of my humble Google Doc. I’m also considering adding culinary chef to my resume because I’ve been successfully reheating takeout leftovers for years now.”

Caron’s best friend Logan Brandins sang his praises between hits of his dab pen.

“Cody is honestly the smartest guy I’ve ever met, he’s like a wizard,” said Brandins through a shockingly wet cough. “This guy could tell you which piece of your vape is broken just by listening to one puff. The vape speaks to him, and it tells him exactly what’s wrong through the crackling sounds in a long drag. It’s like their own special language, man, it’s like magic. But be careful, sometimes I think maybe they’re talking about me, like they’re planning something.”

One potential employer gave her opinion on the whole situation.

“I’m so fucking tired of this shit,” said hiring manager Linda Sterling. “Every goddamn teenager thinks they can get a job anywhere because they read the Wikipedia entry for the atomizer part of a vape or whatever the fuck. Cody applied to be a mechanical engineer, so I asked him what kind of experience he has and he just kept spewing nonsense about glass pods and fill ports. Where do these idiots get all this confidence?”

At press time, Sterling agreed to give Carson a second interview after he fixed her vape pen, so long as he never uses the word “yoink” ever again.