Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic Albums

Posted on by Jason Clemence

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.

“There’s nothing more relaxing than spinning side one of a musical masterpiece, finally gathering your strength to walk 10 feet to the turntable, forgetting the album is only half over, and putting on something altogether different,” said Cordman, as he prepared for an immersive listen to Wu-Tang’s “The 36 Chambers” that would inevitably not include “C.R.E.A.M.” or “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit.” “Name a classic album, and I guarantee you can find it on my shelf among my 3,000-and-counting vinyl collection. What’s more, I can tell you the most obscure details about the first five or so tracks.”

Cordman, who is unaware of the existence of a Slayer song called “Raining Blood,” is a frequent source of irritation for his live-in girlfriend Shannon Beckett.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Beckett. “I’ll hear the first half of Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ playing, followed by 20 minutes of the sound of the needle scraping the dead wax. I’ll go into the living room to find him just sacked out on the couch. After listening to his detailed monologue about how it’s a shame ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ is the most iconic song on the album when ‘In Bloom’ is clearly superior. I mentioned that my favorite track is ‘On a Plain’ and he looked at me like I had three heads and asked me if that was on ‘Incesticide.’ When he finally got his ass off the couch, he put ‘Nevermind’ away and broke out ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico.’ I swear he doesn’t even know there’s a song on there called ‘Heroin,’ but he can wax eloquent about ‘Femme Fatale’ all day long.”

Social Psychologist Lena Marx confirmed that this phenomenon is not uncommon.

“Lots of music fans want the cachet of collecting and listening to vinyl,” said Marx. “But the actual effort of flipping the record doesn’t produce anywhere near the same level of dopamine as selecting a new album and carefully removing it from its sleeve while filing away the last one in whatever annoying organizational system they’ve decided on. It’s almost as though the appeal of vinyl collecting is more about elitism than audio quality.”

At press time, Cordman was vehemently insisting to his father that there most definitely is not a Beatles song called “A Day in the Life.”

Suicides Among ICE Agents Reach Alarmingly Low Numbers

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

WASHINGTON — The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) revealed that ICE agents just aren’t killing themselves, despite being complete and utter dickbags with zero respect for human life, confirmed sources.

“While our agents are found to suffer from mental health issues at the same rate as other Americans, they seem to be immune to self-introspection and totally incapable of empathy for others,” said law enforcement psychologist Dr. Susan Manzo. “Unfortunately, people who ultimately end up taking their own lives tend to be kind, loving people who leave enormous holes in the lives of the loved ones they leave behind. Basically the opposite of the type of people who choose to become ICE agents. Our agents exist solely to make the world a worse place, and they intend on sticking around to do so, despite the rest of humanity wishing they would just go ahead and take themselves out.”

Local teen James Nelson went no-contact with his father after he became an active ICE agent again this year when he heard about the unchecked force he’d be encouraged to use under President Trump.

“Every time the phone rings I worry that it’s THE call,” said 17-year-old Nelson. “I fear that it’s my dad and he still hasn’t killed himself. It just comes with the territory when your father is in that line of work. You never know what day will be his last but you can be sure it isn’t going to be soon enough. Here’s hoping my luck turns around and my dad offs himself.”

Kelly Walters, neuroscientist and professor of psychiatry, has spent decades studying the brains of serial killers, sociopaths, and men with personalities built around protein supplements.

“We expected we may find answers for the lack of moral development in the prefrontal cortex but we were shocked to find anomalies that go far beyond the brain,” said Walters. “We gave full body MRIs to a large number of ICE agents and discovered that inside their chest cavity, where we would see a heart in an ordinary person, is actually just a screaming void. You could actually hear it through the image which was really quite astounding.”

At press time, NIMH revealed that they would be opening a Suicide Encouragement Hotline, specifically for ICE agents who feel good about what they do for a living.

Aww! Guy Who Traumatizes Every Woman He Dates Reminds Internet He Really Loves His Mom

Posted on by Rachel Hein

It’s Jacob’s mother’s birthday, and he wants you to know his mom is his whole world… His hero. His queen. His rock. His first love. His last love. His maker. Mama’s boys are categorically good people. They love women because they love their mom. This cannot be contested.

“My mom was and still is a stunning beauty. A natural caretaker. She is the epitome of a woman. Unlike any other woman in the world. But most of all, she is selfless.” Jacob Jacobson wrote in a heartwarming tribute on Instagram on Sunday. “My dad and brothers and I have only accomplished greatness in our careers and personal ambitions because of her. We wouldn’t be here without her. She is the fuel with which we succeed. #mamasboy #worldsgreatestmom #myqueen #mom #women”

Imagine what a shock this heartfelt outpouring of support for women came to Jacob’s most recent ex, Phoebe Simone, who reported that Jacob also had some words for her recently.

“A few weeks ago, he called me a ‘f—ing w—-’, and a ‘stupid piece of s—,’ she recalled. “Jacob has always had a way with words. At first, he seemed to worship the ground I walked on, which was a bit overwhelming. Then, I made him a cake for his birthday, and he told me the icing wasn’t how his mom did it and asked me to redo it. I thought: wait, I make more money than this man, what the hell am I doing?”

That’s pretty shocking behavior coming from a confirmed momma-loving ally like Jacob, but then again, not all heroes wear capes. Maybe that well-disguised altruism is why dating Jacob is so expensive! Another ex-girlfriend weighed in on the financial damage from dating Jacob.

“Jacob set me back 20K in therapy bills. He told me he couldn’t picture me as a mother because I lacked the nurturing quality that his mom has,” Mary Barlowe shared. “Any time we would fight, he’d hold the phone up and say, ‘Just ask my mom. Ask her. Call her and she’ll tell you how well I treat women,” Mary reflected, shaking her head. “Also, let’s just say he left school during lunch every day to breastfeed in the parking lot, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Sources close to Jacob’s mother gave her statement. “The girl that finally snatches him up will be the luckiest girl alive. I just haven’t met any who deserve my sweet boy yet.”

New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van Halen

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric frontman David Lee Roth never left the rock band Van Halen to pursue a solo career, studio insiders report.

“In this universe, the Iran-Contra affair never happens because Roth gets the hostages freed in exchange for a private concert for Hezbollah,” explained showrunner Russel Gallant, whose previous credits include being a PA on “Entourage” and being fired from the set of “Supernatural.” “The Berlin Wall still falls, but years earlier due to the vibrations of Roth’s extended falsetto screech during ‘Unchained’ at a concert in East Berlin. Communism collapses early, hair metal continues late into the ‘90s, grunge never happens, Generation X emerges happier and mentally stable, we build hoverboards by 1997.”

Some music fans, however, feel “I’m The One” is punching above its weight.

“Sure, we’d all like to imagine a world where ‘Balance’ never happened but pretending that David Lee Roth sticking around would have magically solved all of America’s problems is peak delusion,” said 52-year-old record store owner Chuck Moreno. “Rock and roll didn’t save America then, and it wouldn’t save it in a timeline where David Lee Roth flaps his butterfly wings and the show ‘Friends’ never exists. Again, I’m not complaining but it’s just too fantastical.”

Historians seem to be cautiously endorsing the show’s premise.

“There’s solid academic debate over whether Van Halen’s split destabilized the cultural optimism of the late ‘80s,” said Dr. Madison Pryce, a pop culture historian at UCLA. “When Roth left, it was a signal to the American subconscious that nothing good lasts. The light of American optimism began to fade and we entered a dark age. Frankly, sign me up for a timeline where MTV still playing music videos somehow stops the dot-com bubble from bursting.”

At press time, Gallant revealed that the second season of the show will take place over 24 hours on September 11, 2001 where Van Halen performs at Madison Square Garden and nothing else of consequence happens.

Poser Skateboarding Bulldog Pushes Mongo

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its disappointed owner Kevin Willrick.

“Sure, it’s cool having a skateboarding dog, but why does he have to be such a poser?” said Willrick while browsing the animal shelter’s website for a different dog to adopt. “It’s always been my dream to be one of those guys who owns a dog that shreds, but there is no world that I ever imagined it’d push mongo. I just didn’t think it was possible. Plus, I bought him this sweet Hockey board with Ace trucks, and those new soft Spitfire wheels, but all he wants to ride is this ratty old Nash board he found in the garbage; the thing has plastic trucks. I wonder if the adoption center has a return policy.”

Willrick’s roommate Chelsea Van Hogen noticed some troubling patterns with Excalibur in recent weeks.

“I knew something was up when it was a warm sunny day and all the dog wanted to do was play ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’” said Van Hogen as she slipped in some of Excalibur’s slobber. “Sure, THPS is fun to play on a rainy day, but this was ideal skating weather and he wouldn’t stop staring at the TV and pawing at the controller. Next day, same idea. Except instead of playing video games, Excalibur just spent the day fingerboarding on some old textbooks I had laying around. It’s almost as if he likes the idea of being a cool skateboarding dog rather than actually being a cool skateboarding dog.”

Razor Scooters founder and CEO Carlton Calvin says he might have something for Excalibur.

“Our company was built on posers that are too lame to ride actual skateboards,” said Calvin while Googling himself. “As a matter of fact, I was a failed skateboarding company executive before I founded Razor. And Excalibur sounds like just the kind of dog we could use on our pro scooter team. He might be the thing that finally brings scooters back on top of the niche transportation and extreme sports markets. Now I’m not sure how a bulldog can ride a Razor exactly, but I’m sure R&D can get that all sorted out.”

At press time, Excalibur was seen ordering $800 worth of clothes from a CCM catalog.

Profiles in Courage: Meet the Firefighter Who Has Single-Handedly Been Putting Out Kings of Leon Sex Fires for Two Decades

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Rick Stiever is a man of simple means. The unassuming veteran of the Humboldt County Fire Department is a lean, goateed man of 46 years who enjoys his dogs, woodworking, and a good Sudoku puzzle. By the looks of it, he is not the kind of man one would associate with ‘00s-era indie rock or ravenously hot sex, respectively, and yet he has been a guardian angel of sorts for both.

“Look, I wish I had never heard of these Kings Of Leon jokers, but here we are,” Rick told us over Zoom. As the story goes, multiple reports of sex fires started surfacing in early 2009. Initially thought of as a humorous oddity, casualties notwithstanding, a panic slowly started to take shape as more and more reports cropped up across the country. Why were people’s sex on fire? And also, why was there an iPod Mini found at every sex fire site with the Kings Of Leon’s unabashed arena rock sell-out album “Only By the Night” loaded onto it?

“When that damn song hit the top of the charts there was a whole unit dedicated to the KOL Sex Fires. I mean millennials were fucking to that thing like you couldn’t believe,” Rick told us, his eyes tearing up. “Lost a lot of good men that summer.”

A major roadblock for Rick and his team was the lack of research regarding sex fires.
Common side effects of coitus are mostly limited to feelings of pleasure, feelings of shame, chafing, getting the goddamn fitted sheet all messed up again, jizz, and peeing all weird afterwards. But almost never fire. To make matters worse, the KOL Sex Fire Unit was largely comprised of hunky firemen due to their perceived expertise in the sensual arts. However, they quickly learned you cannot fight sex fire with sexy firemen. The result was simply too sexy, causing the fire to get hornier and in turn, more deadly.

While “Sex On Fire” fucking levels have decreased to a much more manageable state, Rick still cannot shake the feeling that more lives are at stake. “All it would take is one millennial couple boning in the woods with a little JBL speaker blasting an ‘09 Fuck Playlist and boom. You know, they still haven’t found the exact root cause of the L.A. Fires, but something tells me one day they’ll find an iPod Mini somewhere in the brush.”

Aging Punk Never Thought Taking a Handful of Pills Would Be the Most Boring Part of His Day

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed sources.

“I used to get up to some pretty crazy shit back in the day and most of it was preceded by me slamming a fistful of capsules down my throat and chasing it with cheap vodka. Hell, one night I took a Xanny, an Addy, two hits of ecstasy, three or four Percocets, and a tab of acid all at once,” said Sullivan. “That’s the night I got the nickname ‘Goatfucker.’ I blacked out that evening, so I’m not completely sure how I got that name. I hope it’s not exactly what it sounds like. Good times though. Now I take twice that amount of pills every morning but it’s all boring shit like blood thinners, anti-depressents, and some little pink thing I can’t pronounce the doctor gave me for cholesterol.”

Sullivan’s wife expressed her own incredulity regarding how boring her husband’s drug intake has become.

“Goat — I mean, Mickey used to be a madman. He’d eat anything you’d hand him. Pink, yellow, blue, oval, round, he wouldn’t ask about the dosage or anything, just down the hatch. Back in the day we’d go see The Queers at The Rat, and Mickey would be in the pit the whole time taking elbows and not feeling a thing,” said Holly Sullivan. “Now he’s pushing 50 and breaks like a porcelain doll. If he even sneezes too hard, his back goes out and it’s bed rest and Advil for the next two days.”

Sullivan’s primary care provider, Dr. Ken Stuart, says this happens to every punk once they hit middle age.

“I see this all the time. Punks who used to shoot up in the club bathroom now give themselves daily insulin injections. Goths who used to wear gas masks as a fashion statement, now sleep with a CPAP,” explained Dr. Stuart. “Hell, I wouldn’t have graduated from med school without amphetamines. Now I have to drink decaf so my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest. What Mickey is experiencing is nothing unique. Getting old makes boring, normies of us all.”

At press time, Sullivan was strongly considering crushing up his morning medication into a fine powder and snorting it via some “fat rails” out of nostalgia.

Landlord Raises Rent to Cover the Cost of Never Doing Anything

Posted on by Charles Bill

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local landlord Larry McNulty was compelled to raise rent to cover the ever-rising cost of never doing anything whatsoever, confirmed sources who were already looking for a new place to live.

“It’s expensive sitting on your ass all day,” said the cash-strapped McNulty. “My rental properties only generate $35,000 a month, which is barely enough to cover my house, vacation home, three cars, yacht, and horse stabling fees. If I don’t raise rent, it’s going to become more and more difficult to ignore the maintenance requests I receive. It’s an extremely hard job that I have to do. Sure, I contract out almost everything and still make an absurd amount of money. But with the economy the way it is, I can barely afford my private jet.”

The plight of the landlord did not go unnoticed by his many residents.

“I feel really bad for Larry,” explained cash-hoarding renter and mechanic Tanya Pozner. “I work 10 hours a day, but he’s working 24 hours thinking about which contractor to hire that will do the least amount of work possible. My fridge has been broken for three months. Do you know how hard it is for him to have to see my requests to fix it every single day? If I had to guess, he can barely afford toilet paper and is using my requests to wipe his ass instead. I hope he doesn’t give me my deposit back. Maybe that will help him support his Fabergé egg collection.”

The landlord poverty crisis has become so bad that the government has begun stepping in.

“We want to create a safety net for our country’s oppressed landlords,” said Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner. “I am creating a national relief fund that will allow landlords to take no interest loans to cover the immense burden of owning dozens of properties. For too long have they been forced to accept meagre rents in exchange for the hard work of… wait a second. Hold on. Come back to me on this, I’ll figure it out.”

At press time, McNulty broke down crying when he realized that he could no longer afford his daily saffron enema.

Opinion: Repealing EPA Restrictions Will Only Make My Paint-Huffing More Adventurous

Posted on by Tim Sheard

My prayers have been answered: EPA restrictions are getting rolled back! This is going to make my afternoon hallucinations so much more wild. Bring those gnarly forever-chemicals home to daddy.

Ever since these safe alternatives have been introduced, my paint-huffing has gotten so damn boring. The high from natural products is beyond weak. When I think back to when I first got started, I was dealing with Papa’s paint from the ‘80s, leftover buckets in a leaning tower at the back of the garage. Those were loaded with a swamp of toxic chemicals, the noxious swill zapping my brain to life. An ethereal mix of hyper-focus and blurred energy that I’ve been trying to recreate since. Maybe we’re all just chasing our own dragon, in some way. Maybe that’s the eternal struggle.

I’m banned from all Dunn-Edwards locations, same with Sherwin-Williams. You have no idea the profiling I experience at the Home Depot. Visits to Kelly-Moore? Not happening any time soon. Sometimes I pay local kids to go inside for me, but even that scheme’s run dry since Gen-Z just stays inside.

Ordering online is the move these days. You know what was a game changer? The Internet, specifically Temu. You can order globby, synthetic paints which, with the rip of a seal, emit a foul chemical odor. A muted plastic stench. It’s heaven. You can feel your nostrils slowly coated with a slick, synthetic layer. But now with these tariffs, I can’t even order my mysterious international acrylic oils anymore. Thanks Biden!

Can you imagine the highs I’ll be getting again? Floating, just floating. I’ll be communing with satellites. I’ll be able to kiss my dead grandma on the lips and leave a paint stain on her glowing angel face. It’s worth it every time, especially with the leftover pigment smeared across my mouth, looking like a fringe ‘Mad Max’ villain. I can lick my cheeks later and get a freebie bump. That’s living, man.

Getting rid of these pesky EPA restrictions means I can buy American again. Finally, supporting a domestic cause. Like a true patriot. A patriot that also happens to be feeling pretty damn groovy from this can of half-dry paint I found in an unlocked garage down the street. Looks like everything’s finally working out for me.

Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still releasing new music, sources report.

“I actually just listened to their last album ‘72 Seasons’ and I’m growing really concerned,” Bonder confessed. “Is it morally right for me to bring a child into a world where this is almost guaranteed to happen again? I remember vowing to never procreate after hearing the appallingly titled ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self-Destruct.’ I guess I just assumed they would eventually do the right thing and hang it up forever. Now it’s clear that they’ll never stop, and I’m so worried I’m making the wrong decision.”

Bonder’s friend Deirdre Phong didn’t think bringing a child into this world was the right thing to do at this time.

“Listen, if it was 1986, things would be different,” Phong opined. “Metallica had just released ‘Master of Puppets’ and we had no reason to doubt their ability to make great music. But that was decades ago, and Metallica is still going strong despite the fact that they haven’t released a good album since before the Cold War ended. I mean, ‘St. Anger’ was over 20 years ago, so it’s not like this is a new problem the world is experiencing. Janice knows all of this, and still she’s bringing some pitiful soul into this world to hear whatever godawful music they still have in store for all of us. At the very least, she could’ve chosen to adopt some poor kid who’s already been born into our Metallica-poisoned society. If you ask me, this is an incredibly reckless and inexcusable decision.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich didn’t see the issue with his band’s music.

“Metallica has just entered the studio, so watch out,” Ulrich said. “I can confidently say this is the best material we’ve ever written, which is saying a lot considering how good ‘72 Seasons’ was. We just keep finding ways to make better music with each passing year. I know the world is a very dark place with everything going on right now, but metal fans can always count on new music from Metallica to be a rare ray of light. We might even announce another U.S. tour with Godsmack to make the release of the new album even better.”

At press time, Bonder was feeling better about her decision after remembering that it’s not possible for Metallica to do another collaboration with Lou Reed.