Overworked Emotional Support Dog Now Requires Its Own Smaller Emotional Support Dog

Posted on by Rachel Hein

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional support from local Yorkipoo, Lil Mama, confirmed sources who could use a few therapy animals themselves.

“It’s not a nine to five, you know? You’re never off the clock in this business,” said Gus, the Labrador Retriever, wearing a vest that read, “don’t pet me, I’m working.” “Sure, I wait at the door for the person I support. When she watches the same news cycle on loop, I know to lick her face repeatedly. And when she scrolls on her phone for too long, I pee on the carpet so she has to get up. I put in the work. Eventually I’ll think, ‘thank god, she’s finally asleep’ and then the heaving sobs start again. Long story short, I found myself gradually turning into the person I was supposed to emotionally support. It’s like the depression was contagious.”

Lil Mama, a toy poodle and Yorkshire Terrier, seemed geared up to provide support to Gus.

“Before I came on board as Gus’s personal certified ESA, he was alone with this millennial sad girl loser who got dumped or her mom died, or both. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention when he told me,” Lil Mama shared. “That’s why I’m here holding up the delicate emotional fabric of this household. Evidently, this woman previously had an emotional support cat. Those things don’t do anything unless you count vomiting on the kitchen floor as mentally comforting. If anything, her emotional state got worse from the feline companion and that instability was projected onto Gus.”

Spongecake, a watchful bulldog that lives next door, expressed concern for the growing number of emotional support animals one house over.

“He said Lil Mama assuaged his deep loneliness in a way that heretofore he believed could only come from the biggest stick in the world. Yeah, right!” Spongecake said with a snort. “Oh, and get this, last week he mentioned Lil Mama had her eye on a potential emotional support squirrel for herself, in case things got worse. That’s ridiculous. All you need is the perfect stick to really turn your mental state around. I suggest they all just rummage through the backyard. That’s how I get out of a funk.”

At press time, Lil Mama pressed her nose up against Gus’s asshole to sniff it, which gently reminded him that everything was going to be okay.

Fuck! I Accidentally Showed Competency in My Job and Now I’m Expected To Do Stuff

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Fuck! I made a huge mistake at work and now I’m paying for it dearly. My huge mistake? Not making mistakes!

Unlike my coworkers, I’m not constantly fucking shit sideways. I’ve shown a level of competency at my job which means my superiors are now dependent on me to make sure that the work is done correctly around the warehouse. Has said competency been rewarded with an increase in pay? Nope, just a mounting pressure to continue going above and beyond or I will be fired.

My main problem is that I’ve shown the ability to critically think and solve problems which keeps getting more work piled on top of me. For example, I was the guy who figured out how to get the squirrels out of the roof rafters so now I’m the head squirrel guy. I’ve also been tasked with operating the shipment tracking software, fixing the constantly clogged toilet, and calming down the boss when his ego gets hurt. Wrangling squirrels and my temperamental boss are very taxing jobs which are well beyond my job description of forklift operator.

The thing I’ve come to realize is my fellow employees aren’t dumb. In fact they’re actually quite smart because they know that effort isn’t rewarded around here. I asked my boss for a raise and was told “Work is its own reward” and explained to me how work makes you free. I would try to work less or make some mistakes but they already know that I know better. This means that they’re less likely to be lenient on me when I screw up, unlike how lenient they are with Steve the Screwup who as the name implies is a screw-up. They let him do whatever because they don’t expect anything out of him making him the smartest guy here.

When I threatened to quit, my supervisor counter-threatened to write a stellar letter of recommendation for me and send it to any new bosses I might have. It would be filled with effusive praise of my abilities and what a hard worker I was, meaning no matter where I went, this specter of competency would follow. Maybe it’s time to fake my death so I can start fresh elsewhere. I’ll get Steve the Screwup to fake dropping a tower of pallets on me. Or maybe he’d actually kill me because of his constant screw-ups. Either way, I’ll finally be free.

Priest on “Holy Diver” Album Cover Probably Deserved It

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a giant demon probably deserved what was happening to him, sources report.

“Yeah, I emerged from Hell with a whole planned agenda to take over the world,” the demon offered. “I didn’t even have a set strategy of punishing members of the Catholic Church, but when I saw the clergyman I instinctively hit him with my whip. Normally, I have a pretty strict checklist to ensure people are wicked before torturing them, but come on. This is a priest we’re talking about. I don’t think an exhaustive background check is needed, and also, we’re close to Boston for Christ’s sake. Have you seen ‘Spotlight’? We can just presume the worst and not subject ourselves to a deep dive on this guy’s past.”

Artist Randy Berrett saw eye to eye with the demon.

“I’m going to have to agree with the demon in this picture,” Berrett said. “When I was contracted to create the cover for Dio’s debut, I was given loose instructions on what the band wanted to see. As soon as I heard they wanted a priest being persecuted, I figured no follow-up questions were necessary. I usually like to come up with an elaborate backstory for my work, but one glance at this man fruitlessly attempting to flee in terror while being assaulted by a towering demon is all the context the viewer needs here.”

Sociologist Jeewani Peiris provided her expertise on the art.

“Given the Catholic Church’s unbelievably corrupt and evil history, we can always just assume men of the cloth deserve the horrific fates they meet in metal music,” Peiris offered. “At face value, it may seem repetitive to show priests being tormented and killed in artwork and music videos, but do we really need a lesson on why they’re clearly the bad guys? I don’t even do case studies on the subject anymore because they would be completely superfluous. Is anybody watching, for instance, the music videos for ‘Hades Rising’ by Bloodbath or ‘Homage for Satan’ by Deicide and feeling bad for the preachers? It’s highly doubtful at this point.”

At press time, it was determined that the guy from the album cover for Slayer’s “Diabolus in Musica” probably deserved to be attacked as well, but no devil was brave enough to do it.

Anarchist Refuses to Answer Survey About His Experience at OfficeMax

Posted on by Josh Fernandez

SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources.

“I simply refuse to let the ruling class tell me what to do in the third largest office supply retailer in the country,” said Greggors as he tried but failed to unsubscribe to the store’s email distribution list. “Just because I had to buy more cyan and magenta cartridges for my color printer, doesn’t mean I want to willingly take part in the corporatocracy of America. Sure, Kevin did wonders helping me locate the exact HP ink I needed and I really do hope he gets that promotion he’s up for, so I just had to leave a glowing, 600-word Google review about his efforts. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to fill out a five-question survey. Go to Hell, OfficeMax.”

Friends of Greggors were getting a little tired of him taking stances against local retail stores.

“Tommy tries really hard to protest corporations, but the only things it’s damaging are his friendships,” said Jenn Plywater. “Last week he asked me to purchase a 50-inch television for him from Best Buy and he would reimburse me, all because he said he didn’t want to personally participate as a cog in the wheel of ‘late-stage capitalism.’ I don’t think he knows how capitalism works. That’s why I pocketed the money he gave me and instead supplied him with my 10-year-old, 26-inch Visio. He’ll never know the difference. Anarchists notoriously do not know how to use a ruler so he’ll never check the screen size.”

Experts did not seem to respect the anarchic movement.

“Anarchists are constantly putting their energy into things that won’t make progress on their agenda,” said political strategist Victoria Martin. “In theory, they’d like to eradicate institutions that seek to perpetuate authority and hierarchy. But in reality, they’d just like to see the iPad tip screen abolished. Also, If we want to take anarchists seriously they have to start holding political office. But unfortunately they’d have to buy a suit and dress shoes for that. If we know anything about anarchists, they hate Men’s Wearhouse.”

At press time, Greggors had no choice but to delete Instagram from his phone after a notification pop-up asked him, “Are you enjoying this app?”

5 Tips for Attracting and Retaining Top Talent Into Your Godsmack Tribute Band

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Employers need to be consistently sure that they’re checking every box to ensure the field’s best professionals are not only drawn to their businesses, but fulfilled and content once they’ve signed on. This is truer now than at any other time in recent memory, as the Great Resignation of 2021 showed us that employee attrition can happen at any time, and at a much greater scale than previously thought possible.

These same principals can be applied to your nascent Godsmack tribute band. You’ve compiled an eager group of backing musicians who have collectively perfected the Drop D-tuned riffage and soulpatch-infused attitude needed to excel in today’s climate of semi-ironic nu-metal nostalgia. The only thing missing is the perfect Layne Staley-imitating lead singer. Here are 5 tips to make sure you’re able to snag and hold on to the best your area has to offer!

1. Strengthen your brand

You need to be aware of the target audience here. Sure, “Demigodsmack” is actually a pretty good pun for a band name, but do you really think an aspiring Godsmack tribute band singer appreciates such wittiness? Try something simpler, with a bit of an edge to it. “Godfuckinsmack” or “God Bitchslap” should serve as eye-catching band names that any prospective frontman would be happy to join, provided doing so doesn’t violate the conditions of his parole. Remember, you’re not looking for a Pulitzer Prize-winning wordsmith here, so don’t waste too much time coming up with something clever when it’s just going to go over the head of your prospective new member.

2. Incentivize with appropriate on-site job perks

This will work wonders in enticing the perfect singer, and contrary to what you may be dreading, it won’t break the bank! A simple line added to your Craiglist ad mentioning that the rehearsal space is perpetually stocked with Busch Lite and Slim Jims will effectively triple the responses you get in the first week. Also, now’s the time for you and your bandmates to take up smoking Camel No Filters, as knowing he’ll always have someone to bum a smoke from will definitely increase the likelihood that a top-tier Godsmack-emulating singer will want to join. If any current members take umbrage with the new smoking requirement, kindly inform them they’re no longer needed and expand your search accordingly.

3. Develop an effective onboarding process

Any new member is going to be a little timid in his first days, so it’s necessary to have a system in place to make sure he’s gradually incorporated into the band while given the tools and information he’ll need to be at the top of his game come showtime. Consider enacting a mentorship program with a more senior band member acting as a guiding force both in and out of the band, whether the issue is difficulty remembering song lyrics or apprehension over the possibility of getting caught with that dirtbike he stole from the Boston Market parking lot. Remembering that his problems are your problems is paramount to your band performing at its full potential.

4. Prioritize member engagement

Do your members look forward to weekly practice, or do they anticipate it with dread, boredom, or some combination thereof? Make sure the experience is fun for everyone by scheduling team-building activities centered around shared behavior, such as petty theft from the local 7-11 or the irresponsible mishandling of fireworks. Having a fun group activity to look forward to will motivate your new member to come to practice, particularly in the early days when your bassist keeps fucking up the intro licks to “Voodoo.”

5. Emphasize career progression

Your first show might be at an empty firehall, but you might end up opening for a Mudvayne tribute band someday. A shared goal between all members is important in taking the band to where you want it to be, so make sure the new singer is aware of this from his first day of practice onward. Don’t be afraid to aim high, either! Having your music played in a Navy commercial like the band you’re emulating may seem like a lofty goal, but you’re sure to land among the stars even if you miss the moon!
There you have it. By following these simple, common-sense tips, you can make sure your Godsmack tribute band dominates your local nu-metal scene for as long as you’re able to stay out of jail. Good luck!

Kirk Hammett Officially Announced as Metallica’s Lead Guitarist After Successful Completion of 42-Year Probationary Period

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year probationary period, sources confirmed.

“I thought this day would never come,” Hammett commented. “I’ve been waiting for this announcement every day since I was 20 years old. Honestly, I’ve been a little worried ever since James and Lars told me we weren’t going to record any leads on ‘St. Anger’ back in 2003. I was convinced they weren’t going to let me in the band that day, but we ended up finishing that album, which I think is one of our best, without issue. I can’t wait to call my old buddies from Exodus to tell them the news. They’re not going to believe it!”

Metallica frontman James Hetfield thought it was finally time to make the decision.

“We weren’t so sure about Kirk when he first started playing with us, but he’s really come into his own in Metallica,” Hetfield provided while struggling to hold onto an armful of Armani bags from a recent shopping excursion. “If I’m being honest, Kirk’s first few performance reviews weren’t that great, and we considered parting ways with him shortly after we recorded ‘Master of Puppets.’ Then Cliff passed away and we didn’t want to have to look for a new guitarist as well as a bassist, so we just decided to stick with Kirk. It wasn’t until he approached me the other day asking for a professional reference for a job application to Best Buy that I realized we never made him an official member.”

Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine was distraught to hear the news.

“What do you mean, I didn’t get the job?” Mustaine griped. “I just thought Kirk was an interim player until they gathered the guts to ask me to rejoin. I’ve really been pulling for him to not work out over the past four decades. I can play circles around Kirk, and I’ve showed that I can be in a band without getting kicked out for being obnoxious and unreliable. I don’t know what more the guys in Metallica could ask for. I guess I’ll just go back to playing in Megadeth, but that’s really been more of a backup plan than anything else.”

At press time, Jason Newsted was thinking of ending his sabbatical and returning to bass duties in Metallica.

19-Year-Old DOGE Agent Running Out of Excuses for Why He Can’t Hang Out With Elon This Weekend

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his boss Elon Musk, sources report.

“I’m really starting to panic here,” Wakefield admitted. “I woke up to dozens of texts this morning from Mr. Musk asking if I wanted to come over and play ‘Path of Exile 2’ on Saturday night, and I can’t think of a single excuse that I haven’t already used. I’ve made up the deaths of all four of my grandparents, as well as a house fire and emergency surgery for my parents’ cat. I told him last weekend that I had car troubles and he bought me a brand new Cybertruck to use. Thankfully, it completely died for no reason after I had driven it for less than a quarter mile. If I don’t think of something fast, I’m actually going to have to go to his house.”

Musk didn’t quite take the hint.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get the bros together to hang out since inauguration,” Musk said as he repeatedly checked his phone for texts. “I can tell how pumped they are to hang out with me by the way they kind of smile and nod when I make hilarious jokes around them. The other day, I did an amazing impression of Ron Burgundy from ‘Anchorman’ during a meeting, and you should’ve seen their faces. I just know they’d be my best friends even if I wasn’t paying them to have unfettered access to sensitive government information, so we’re going to have a really great time once I can get the gang together.”

Social scientist Rashida Garis provided her expertise on Musk’s social ineptitude.

“I see this all the time with repugnant men who find themselves in positions of power,” Garis offered. “It’s obvious to everyone around Musk that he’s a putrid excuse for a human being, but in his eyes he’s the coolest guy on Earth and people are clamoring to spend time with him. He may be the most glaring example, but I’ve conducted case studies with similar situations involving Donald Trump Jr., and just look at Ted Cruz. He actually started a podcast because he thinks people enjoy speaking with him.”

At press time, Wakefield considered telling Musk he had COVID, but immediately dismissed it because neither he nor Elon believe it to be real.

The New David Lynch? I Added Ominous Synth to My Colonoscopy Footage

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

The doctor said this was a first: no one had requested their own colonoscopy footage before. I said this was a request from the deepest corners of my artistic soul, like a love letter straight from my heart. Seemingly tired of talking to me, he emailed a video of the procedure over.

Over buckets of coffee, smoking like a chimney, I watch the footage caught by the colonoscope burrowing inside me, exploring my canals. I slowly fade in music, which happens to sound a lot like Angelo Badalamenti. I begin to weep.

My ulcers: once so banal. Now striking. Beautiful. It speaks to the haunted rot beneath America. Behold, a polyp hiding in the pink corners of my smooth, shining tissue. That polyp is named Fred. And Fred is the pure representation of all that is evil. No further explanation. My film is titled ‘Inland Empire’ for the inland means within my colon and the empire is me.

I sit my family down to show them my latest video masterpiece, serving cherry pie. They immediately recoil and leave the room. Typical: normies never understand great art. Are Hallmark films prodding their subconscious? I think not.

For feedback, my sister mentions liking the score, at which I begin crying and gritting my teeth. She certainly recognizes her own trauma in my work. Mother calls the film deeply disturbing, which I only hear as Lynchian: a compliment from the womb master. Father says it felt like a nightmare. I say to him, “Yes, daddy. Exactly!”

I begin showing my film publicly, projected on diners and vape store walls, blasting that stirring synth score. Apparently colonoscopy footage counts as indecent exposure. I tell the police captain, “You wouldn’t get it. You’ve never been to Cannes. You’ve never held a fire in your heart. Silencio.” I am punched in the eye. It feels like a kiss.

Once released, I practice transcendental meditation. New revelations from my film bubble up to the surface. My internal hemorrhoid is now named Judy. And she is in trouble. I decide to add grainy low-grade VFX and doo-wop ‘50s needle drops.

Desperate for a follow-up, I inquire about exploring my stomach, or a gastroscopy, to pair the looped footage of my digestive system with industrial metallic droning. ‘Esophagushead’ will be released this summer in black and white, playing only at midnight, with a runtime of five hours.

Kanye Apologizes for Past Remarks About George W. Bush

Posted on by Jon Wood

LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources.

“I said some things I now regret and I’m here to set the record straight,” West stated, referencing his infamous 2005 outburst criticizing the former President’s response to Hurricane Katrina. “When I said that ‘George Bush doesn’t care about black people’ I was referring broadly to the countless Americans disenfranchised by a rigged system — the same broke-ass haters that make every day a living hell for me on social media. Anyway, I just want to apologize for any pain my words may have caused by setting the White Lives Matter movement back decades.”

Actor and comedian Mike Myers, who presented alongside West at “A Concert for Hurricane Relief” in 2005, shared his recollection of the spectacle.

“If it wasn’t clear from my face, I was totally unprepared for the drama of that day,” recalled Myers. “I mean, I wasn’t surprised that Kanye went off-script and called the President of the United States a racist, or what everyone saw on television. What caught me off guard was all the crazy stuff he said when the cameras weren’t rolling. He asked me if I thought Hurricane Katrina could’ve been a false flag operation carried out by the Energizer corporation to sell more C and D batteries. And then he got really upset when I told him I didn’t know if Shrek’s penis looked like any of the dozen drawings he brought with him. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs.”

Mike Burkett, founder of punk rock band NOFX and the 2004 “Rock Against Bush” campaign, responded to West’s latest remarks.

“How does a war criminal like George Bush get his own art exhibit at Disney World, meanwhile a band that’s 80% dick and fart jokes gets canceled for some supposedly tone-deaf stage banter?” said Burkett, known professionally as Fat Mike. “If you had convinced me 20 years ago that Kanye would eventually blame black people for slavery and that Bush would become a nostalgic symbol of civility embraced by the left, I would’ve taken things in a different direction — though ‘Rock Against Any Hope for Humanity’ doesn’t have the same ring to it. Jesus Christ, next thing you know the cheapest place to buy a carton of eggs in this country will be at the Warped Tour.”

At press time, West is reportedly organizing a benefit concert to help victims of the LA wildfires rebuild their million-dollar sneaker collections.

From “The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy” to “The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me,” We Ranked Every Tool in Elon’s Shed

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary weapon that allows him to turn millions in budget slashing into billions with a single unfounded lie. While the mere existence of such a magical tool came as a shock to many, those in Musk’s inner circle know it is but one of many enchanted artifacts he’s collected over the years that helped make him the successful human-ish thing he is today.

Today we take a deep dive into Musk’s inventory screen. Here is our definitive ranking of every legendary weapon in Elon’s mythical tool shed.

The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy

That’s right, the weapon currently taking the government by storm (think Katrina) is but the weakest taste of Elon’s legendary arsenal. With merely +2 durability and -20,000 sanity, it’s a true testament to Elon’s swordsmanship that using only this humble weapon he has already saved us from the ravages diversity hires, planes that land, and employees who know how our nuclear weapons work.

The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness

Sitting on Musk’s workbench among a plethora of Diet Coke empties and pornographic Spongebob comic books is The Miter Saw of Self-Awareness, and while not the most stacked weapon it’s a crucial addition to his armory. Being an unelected foreigner with -400 billion charisma currently dismantling the government (his words) loathing Musk is one of the few attributes shared by both sides of the American political spectrum. If he had even the slightest fleeting glimmer of how most people actually perceive him he would probably kill himself, but this clutch tool gives him total immunity from facing such realities.

The Paint Scraper of Non-Transactional Fuckability

Having someone earnestly desire you sexually is a useless distraction to men on Musk’s grindset. Be it directly or through the advancement of status, this handy tool ensures Musk will never see a pair of legs spread without money being involved.

The Hedge Trimmer of My Kids Speaking to Me

The love of a child is a weakness Musk can’t afford. Once they aren’t cute enough to use as human shields anymore he uses this bad boy to cut ties forever.

The Drain Snake of Landing a Joke

Elon is naturally funny, just ask him. This incredibly useful tool boasts -infinite charisma and guaranteed critical failure for every punch line, assuring his penchant for making jokes will never lead to distractions like praise or comradery. Let that sink in.

The Hatchet of Gastrointestinal Health

You may have noticed Musk has been looking more swole over the years, not as in like a guy who works out, more as in like a defective pool noodle someone punched too many times. That’s no accident. Chronic constipation gives Musk the focus, harshness, and cruelty of character required to take food out of the mouths of impoverished children while hoarding the largest fortune in recorded history. Between this enchanted paint scraper and his distaste for vegetables, Elon is able to retain his stool for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.

The Mallet of Uncringeyness

Wielding this legendary weapon imbues Musk with +500 repulsions and a 5000% increased chance of critical failure in seeming human. With this baby at his side, he can’t so much as say hello to a person without them feeling like they need a shower immediately.

The Weed Whacker of Meaningful Human Contact

Love or even significant familiarity with another person can be total productivity killers. The mystical properties of this fabled artifact have rendered Musk so insurmountably alone that he’s had to pay for high-fives since 1997.

The Lawnmower of Positive Public Perception

Remember when Musk was largely viewed as a pro-environment genius who just might save the world? Honestly, you probably don’t anymore, and that’s all thanks to this ridiculously overpowered lawnmower. According to legend, Musk was riding it the day he decided to launch his car into space.