We Successfully Petitioned To Get Uncle Kracker Canceled but Now We Can’t Remember Why

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Have you ever gotten so wrapped up in what you were doing you lost sight of why you were doing it? Because we successfully campaigned to get Uncle Kracker canceled but for the life of me I can’t remember why. It’s like when you walk into a room and forget why you went into that room in the first place, but with tarnishing someone’s career, instead of walking into a room. God this is frustrating.

Did we do it because his name is racist or something? I mean “Uncle Kracker” feels like it’s definitely racist but I’m not sure who it’s directed against because Uncle Kracker is white after all. Does that mean he’s reclaiming the word “Kracker” for white people? Is it racist to try and reclaim a word when you’re in a privileged position? I mean we think so. But we don’t know if that’s what he’s doing.

I guess it could be the music but there’s nothing of substance I can find. His biggest hit was “Follow Me” which sounds a little creepy. I think I remember hearing that he wrote the song as a means of luring children back to his mystical gingerbread house where he could then cook and eat them. But if that’s why we did it then god are we dumb for believing that about him.

It could be the case we got him confused with someone else. Did we get him confused with Steve from Smash Mouth? But wait, why would we want to cancel Steve? May he rest in peace. Oh Christ I’m sad now thinking about Steve and the idea that we’d try and cancel him for no reason. Maybe we did it because we’re just assholes.

Well I guess that means we slandered an innocent man for no… OH WAIT SHIT I REMEMBER NOW! He had that incident where he groped that woman at a bar in 2007. I can’t believe I forgot about that. Also he’s friends with Kid Rock so yeah fuck Uncle Kracker. I’m glad we canceled him.

Smashing Pumpkins Song Sends Doggy Daycare Into Frenzy After Billy Corgan Shouts “Wanna Go for a Ride”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

CHICAGO — A local doggy daycare center went berserk after the Smashing Pumpkins lyric “wanna go for a ride” from the song “Zero” played on the radio, confirmed sources who just wanted to get out alive at this point.

“We have a strict rule about never saying the ‘R-I-D-E’ word out loud for these exact reasons, and now we have two dozen amped-up dogs with no way to calm them down unless we pile all 25 of them into my Mazda 3 Hatchback,” said manager Leslie May while getting tackled by three golden retrievers simultaneously. “The Smashing Pumpkins are the worst thing to happen to dogs since Michael Vick. Asking a pup if they want to go for a ride and subsequently not doing so is animal cruelty. Billy Corgan needs to be more responsible when writing lyrical content for his singles. He will be hearing from our lawyers about the damages.”

The longtime Smashing Pumpkins singer didn’t see a correlation.

“After you write and record words for your songs, it’s up to the fans to interpret them for themselves,” said Corgan. “Sure, the lyric ‘wanna go for a ride’ to some may mean putting on a leash, hopping in the back of an SUV, and going to the dog park. For others, it may symbolize addiction or getting drunk at an Applebee’s on a Tuesday. But in reality, that lyric is a metaphor for asking someone if they want to go on the bumper cars at the fair. I just can’t get enough of those things.”

Experts knew all about the troubled relationship between dogs and music.

“It’s very common for songwriters to overlook the effect their lyrics have on domesticated animals,” said music historian Kate Melanie. “Like in Lisa Loeb’s song ‘Stay.’ Any dog that hears the word ‘stay’ will comprehend it like a command and won’t move the entire song. Worse yet, remember ‘Hey Ya!’ by OutKast? Well, in that one part where André 3000 goes ‘shake it like a Polaroid picture,” the dogs just hear the ‘shake’ part and will instinctively extend their paws at everyone within shaking distance. It’s absolute chaos, albeit adorable.”

At press time, the Smashing Pumpkins agreed to re-record the lyric to “wanna get some treats,” but it only made cats worldwide think they were getting chicken-flavored Temptations treats.

Top 30 Metalcore Songs From the 2000s That Are Only Scaring the Shit Out of Everyone at the Family Barbecue

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s the summer, which means it’s time for barbecues, good food, and my entire family to be scared shitless because I hijacked the playlist in the backyard and am exclusively playing metalcore from the 2000s. It was about time in music history where someone combined metal and hardcore, but I don’t think my family agrees. Anyway, let’s drop tune those guitars, double up that bass drum pedal, and round up the top 30 songs from that genre that are only scaring the shit out of my immediate and extended family. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. From a Second Story Window “In a River Where You Least Expect It There Will Be Fish” (2003) 

At every family event you must first establish dominance to demonstrate your worth, and there’s no better way to do that than to start off with this intense six-minute onslaught of musical weaponry. From a Second Story Window always comes in handy at wholesome family gatherings.

29. On Broken Wings “I Do My Crosswords In Pen” (2003)

You have to remember that the height of entertainment in the 2000s was Bam Margera punching his dad square in the face on national television in between clips of him doing kickflips and unleashing a live alligator in his parents’ kitchen. Music at the time had to keep up with that intensity. No one knows that better than On Broken Wings. But no one knows that at all like my numbskull family.

28. Shai Hulud “Linoeleum” (2006)

Finally, someone metalcore’d a NOFX song. It’s more raw, heavier, and makes me want to get a second helping of potato salad to avoid the current tension this track seems to be unleashing upon this familial event.

27. Emmure “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong” (2007)

If one was so inclined, you can buy boxing gloves with the word “Emmure” written on them in big letters on the band’s website. Just don’t show up to any family event wearing them on your hands unless you want to get asked a bunch of questions about them.

26. Misery Signals “The Year Summer Ended in June” (2004)

You know how moms around the world do that thing where they’re like, “I just don’t understand why they need to do all that screaming?” They’re usually talking about Misery Signals, and those judgements evidently don’t stop at mom. Her sisters, brothers, parents, siblings-in-law, nieces, nephews, and family dog all seem to equally share that sentiment.

25. Hopesfall “The End of an Era” (2002)

The first 20 seconds of this track is actually kind of pretty and soothing, which makes my family think the instrumental carnage might be over. But then all of the sudden the screaming and ravenous double bass drum starts happening again, and little do they know there are still two dozen more tracks to go. Metalcore is notoriously deceptive like that.

24. From Autumn to Ashes “The After Dinner Payback” (2004)

This FATA track made its way onto the “Freddy vs. Jason” (2003) soundtrack along with fellow metalcore and other more traditional metal bands. True metalheads were not always on board with metalcore as a genre. Just like my family members right now. I guess Aunt Gertrude has much in common with Slayer fans.

23. Miss May I “A Dance With Aera Cura” (2009)

Starting to think no one at this party can even handle a Knocked Loose song let alone one from Miss May I. Oh, but when Uncle John put on a Steely Dan song everyone lost their shit. Truly embarrassing family.

22. Between the Buried and Me “Mordecai” (2003)

Everyone at this barbecue seems pretty impressed that cousin Kyle got his law degree, started his own law firm, got married, and had two children since we all last saw him. On the other hand, no one seems to care that I haven’t changed at all since 2005 and still listen to Between the Buried and Me. Consistency is key, Kyle.

21. Atreyu “Bleeding Mascara” (2004) 

Pretty cool to name your band after the badass warrior kid from “The Neverending Story.” However, telling everyone here that fact only seems to make my family depressed. Either that or they’re sad that I keep playing them the scene where the horse dies in the Swamp of Sadness. This family will know metalcore history even if it causes lifelong trauma.

20. Hatebreed “Perseverance” (2002)

Sure, Hatebreed’s flaming band logo looks like it was designed by Guy Fieri’s shirt guy. But don’t let that fool you. This band collectively scares the shit out of all of my aunts at once. That same can’t be said about “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.”

19. Killswitch Engage “My Curse” (2006) 

Killswitch Engage should be a band that at least my immediate family knows because I used to play them on “Guitar Hero” in my parents’ basement in the 2000s all the time and still do today. One day I’ll be able to beat it on expert.

18. A Day to Remember “The Downfall Of Us All” (2009) 

Metalcore meets pop-punk, A Day to Remember in theory should be the most palatable band to those unfamiliar with the genre. Even the opening “duh duh duh duh duh” gang vocal part should be bringing this family together. But if anything, it’s tearing us apart. Or rather, tearing my family from me.

17. The Chariot “And Shot Each Other” (2007) 

The Chariot appeared to have written about 30 different components to this song, including a seemingly 10-second long, instrument-free scream 40 seconds in. Hard to believe my family doesn’t like any of the parts they wrote for it. It’s like nothing will please them.

16. The Acacia Strain “Carbomb” (2004)

The Acacia Strain teeters on the deathcore/metalcore spectrum. Whatever you want to call them, The Acacia Strain exists hard. Judging by my nieces and nephews stuffing their fingers in their ear holes and closing their eyes while this song plays, they totally agree.

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Trump Campaign Confirms He Was Hit By Four Shots But His Love For America Acted As Bullet Proof Vest

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BUTLER, Penn. — Trump campaign officials confirmed that the attempted assassination of the former President this past weekend resulted in a minor injury to his ear and light bruising to his chest due to four additional bullets which were deflected back at the shooter by Trump’s undying love for his country, multiple MAGA sources confirmed.

“President Trump is in high spirits today and ready to get back on the campaign trail. Some people are calling him lucky for surviving the shooting, but we’ve known for years that he can’t be killed by conventional weapons,” said campaign adviser Louis Gimble. “His unmatched love for America is like a forcefield that protects him anywhere he goes. It’s why he’s perfectly healthy at his age while only eating American-made fast food. Some people might doubt this claim and say ‘Well then why was his ear injured?’ And the answer is simple, his ears are vulnerable because that allows God, Jesus, and the Founding Fathers to talk with him directly.”

Butler resident Scott Winston was in attendance at the rally when shots rang out.

“I was never scared, not for one second. I heard gunfire and the sun seemed to dim just a little bit as bullets ricocheted off Mr. Trump. Some people think he dove to the ground to avoid more bullets, but it was actually because an American flag had fallen off his podium and he was jumping on top of it to protect Old Glory from bullets,” said Winston while wearing a MAGA hat and a shirt that said “Set Joe Biden on Fire in Front of His Family.” “Unfortunately the crowd wasn’t so lucky, one man was killed and two more were critically injured, but if President Trump is reelected he will be powerful enough that his love will protect all his supporters when someone enacts their Second Amendment right in public.”

Right-wing musician Kid Rock was quick to offer his support to the former president in this trying time.

“Listen up you Anitfa fuck faces, if you mess with Trump anymore I’m going to come to your house and dip my balls on your old lady’s forehead, then I’m going to take a dump in your kitchen sink, you hear me?” said Kid Rock. “The only way to stop another assassination attempt is to make sure everyone at those events is armed and vigilant. Come to my place and grab a gun, let’s ride Cowboys.”

At press time, Trump officials were trying to convince Bon Jovi to change the lyrics from “Shot Through the Heart” to “Shot through the ear, Biden is to blame, Trump brand steaks are the best in the game.”

Metalhead Discovers How Much Vomit New Slayer Igloo Cooler Can Hold After First Use

Posted on by Chris Bowen

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Slayer superfan Dwayne Imico inadvertently discovered how much of his own puke his new Slayer Igloo cooler could successfully hold recently after binging on the 30 beers he kept inside of it, several greasy sources report.

“First thing I did with my new Slayer Igloo cooler I got as a gift for finishing my community service was load up with a 30-rack of Modelos, and headed down to the river to crush them while blasting my favorite tunes on my car stereo,” Imico explained. “Tell you what, this puppy sure can hold some barf! My old Metallica cooler could only hold about a gallon of puke, and this thing at least doubles that! I didn’t have to empty it out into the river where a bunch of kids were trying to swim. Everyone wins here!”

Slayer frontman Tom Araya is elated by the opportunity to cash in on his band’s name once again.

“I always figured that saying we’re calling it quits, then reforming whenever we get offered ungodly amounts of money to play a festival here-and-there wasn’t going to be enough,” Araya stated. “We were going to have to branch out with merchandising. And we thought, ‘Slayer fans love to drink, they barf all the fucking time, and they hate the embarrassment of vomiting on their own boots.’ So a Slayer Igloo cooler was the perfect way to take on all those things! This was a way better idea than the Slayer Easy Bake Oven idea.”

According to one representative of the Igloo company, the road to releasing the Slayer cooler wasn’t without its share of obstacles.

“When about two-thirds of our research and development team quit within the first day of vomit-testing, we knew this wasn’t going to be easy,” Igloo spokesman Ridley Anderson explained. “We hired metalheads specifically for the puke testing stage, but ironically, all of them kept calling off due to massive hangovers. So, we settled for major pro-wrestling fans to take their places, and our research staff were none the wiser. It was a huge success!”

At press time, Kerry King announced he would be releasing a cooler as similar to the Slayer one as he could without it actually being the Slayer one.

Tragic: This Villain Just Launched Into A Musical Number But His Henchmen Clearly Don’t Know The Choreography

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

When you see a car accident it’s tough to look away. You know you might see something that could haunt your dreams for months to come, but you keep staring. What happened to. Rex Masterson, CEO of Toxabrand Industries, is arguably far worse than seeing the decapitated body of person just trying to ride their motorcycle to work, far worse.

Without warning, this evil titan of industry started singing and dancing, but his hired thugs clearly didn’t know what they were doing. It was tough for everyone involved, especially those who had to watch.

Masterson had just muttered the words “…but first, they need a little inspiration,” to his rival on the phone before pointing to a brass section. As the instruments started playing a bombastic tune, several henchmen who were supposed to act as his stairs failed to get in position in time, leaving Masterson having to awkwardly jump down his pedestal.

As the CEO sang, “I have a silver spoon in my mouth and a steel knife in my hand,” employee Robby Mastrobuoni casually tossed the knife in Masterson’s direction. This caused him to jump back in fear and bump into the crowd of brought-in synchronized dancers that Masterson had hired. The collision caused all of the dancers to fall like dominoes, making most of the henchmen who had been on time get even more distracted.

Determined to finish his song, Masterson lunged to press the giant red button that revealed a pool with crocodiles and sharks. Unfortunately, the henchman’s union had a designated lunch at that exact moment and foolishly set up their tables on top of the trap door. Though in an instance he lost twenty hired men, he still aimed for the grand finale upon the catwalk above.

Bellowing the chorus “I make enough green, so why do I need trees?” the CEO high stepped up the ramp, but it was pretty rusty and squeaked with each step. As the remaining goons tried to keep down vomit at the sight of their dead coworkers and put their hands above their head, the claps between his words failed to be syncopated. Most of the giant screens surrounding him showed his nefarious deeds, but one work-from-home neerdowell accidentally pulled up Zoom on the huge TV, frantically trying to turn it off.

The worst part is that Masterson can’t redo this. He sold way too many of his own stock options to be able to afford this, so he can’t exactly easily redo the performance. This was supposed to be broadcast directly to his rival’s lair, but the goons had somehow overlaid a compilation of Stephen A. Smith hot takes in the right corner.

We hope he learns his lesson and never tries this again.

M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small Talk

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.

“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questions about turning your camera on. We’ve seen it all,” said Dr. Klaus Buford from his basement office. “We’ve been monitoring virtual American workplaces since the pandemic began, and now we’re utilizing A.I. to assist us in identifying fumbling anecdotes at the start of any online group meeting. However, just last week, we were able to highlight a single meeting that experienced a ‘small talk vacuum,’ a blip of silence or ‘dark matter’ before anyone even spoke. We think it’s a step forward in quantum physics. Also of note was the swift end to the meeting. There was a rare finality–not a single person had a straggling question or awkwardly waved to the screen.”

Longtime Boston resident and data analyst Gus Robbards disputed the quality of the groundbreaking meeting.

“That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been to,” said Robbards over the phone while clipping coupons. “This was supposed to be a meeting for our regional office, and I came prepared. I had jokes! I had complaints about my commute. Plus there’s a new Chipotle near the main office, that’s something worth bringing up, right? Damn it, I even saw a rare bird over the weekend! I wanted to talk about how O.J. Simpson died! Sure, that was a few months ago, but still – it’s O.J.! Remember that whole thing? It would’ve gotten the social lubricant going. This is a classic tactic of mine–pick a news item, ask a stranger what they think about it, and just parachute into a one-way conversation where I hold court.”

Efficiency advocate Diana Lee-Mifsud praised the lab’s progress in workplace communication.

“I’m thrilled by the news,” admitted Lee-Mifsud from her D.C. thinktank headquarters. “Here at ‘Fighting for Time Back,’ we strive to reduce wasteful chatter on the fringes of any virtual social interaction. We encourage guests to show up early, and keep mics off unless necessary. Somehow these simple requests are repeatedly ignored. We’ve gone so far as to use ball-gags and handcuffs for ‘over-talkers’ in an attempt to quell such behavior. This year, we’re looking into voice-encryption for the hosts allowing the meeting to Start, or fines for anyone wasting a group’s time. Punishments would include loss of access to their account, banishment to the barren wasteland of Skype, or even worse: having to make actual phone calls.”

At press time, Dr. Buford was prepared to share results with the University Board, only to be delayed by small talk about everyone’s favorite seltzer brand and sandwich due to one person eating lunch on screen.

Five Jet Skis That Say, “She Left Me and Took the Kids”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Here are some fun facts you might not know about kids; they have more tastebuds than adults, they’re born ambidextrous, and their undying loyalty is to their mother regardless of your status as sole breadwinner and objectively better-looking spouse. If Annmarie wants to move forward with the divorce proceedings and file for full custody of the kids, be my guest because I’ll be cruising away from my problems on Lake Kalamazoo at a cool 42 miles per hour. Here are five kick-ass jet skis to put the “party” in your ex-parte divorce.

SeaDoo GTX Limited Edition

This ride touts durability and “ultimate family fun” as its major selling points, but who needs a family when you have all the hottest girls at the lake flashing you while you do donuts on the lake? Sometimes the best things in life are free, but sometimes they cost 12 monthly payments of $2000.

Yamaha WaveRunner FX

Playful, fun, and stylish. All the traits my wife said I lacked can be found in the WaveRunner FX. This stand-alone beauty could be yours for $20000, which is pocket change now that I’m saving loads of cash not providing food, clothing, or shelter for my loved ones.

Kawasaki Ultra

Real men know that a high-performance vehicle is the only way to supplement a low performance in the bedroom. Bright colors, loud noises, and glow-in-the-dark decals will leave your new hot young girlfriend so satisfied, that she’ll probably forget all about your laundry list of penile dysfunctions

Honda Aquatrax SLT

With a meager price point of $600, the Aquatrax isn’t exactly something to brag about, but if the judge doesn’t rule in your favor, it may be the only watercraft you can afford. Sure, it might not attract the most attention but who wants to attract materialistic, gold-digging women anyway? That’s what got you into this mess in the first place.

Polaris Jet Blaster

Somehow cheaper and even more dangerous than the Honda Aquatrax, we’ve arrived at the infamous jet blaster. Liable to explode at any moment and leave you stranded in the middle of the lake missing an arm, it offers the most affordable adrenaline rush on the market. Looks aside, this no-frills jet ski gets you from point A to point B and will likely be the only asset left in your name.

Biden Assures American People He’s Still Running Despite Being Decapitated by Helicopter Blade

Posted on by Tim Graham

WASHINGTON — President Biden insists he’s not dropping out of the presidential race even though his head was separated from his body in a freak helicopter accident suffered while exiting Marine One, according to blood-spattered sources.

“Listen, Jack, I’m the only one who can beat Trump, so of course I’m not stepping down,” said the president’s head from within a tank of preservative fluid. “Ignore the decapitation thing for a minute and look at everything I’ve accomplished. We had historic wins in 2020 and again in 2022. Under my leadership, we beat Medicare. I formed the League of Nations. I’m the guy who can stop Project 2025: A Space Odyssey. Folks, I’m fit as a fiddle. And to prove it, I’m challenging Jesse Owens to a foot race as soon as my head’s back on my body.”

Many people who were disturbed by Biden’s recent behavior say they’ll still vote for him in November.

“I voted for Biden in 2020 because he was the nominee, and if he’s on the ballot this time, I guess I’ll have to vote for him again,” sighed registered Democrat Alice Peppard. “Do I wish we had a younger option? Yes, of course. Also, I would prefer someone in decent health with his head still attached to his body. Maybe we’ve still got a chance—but if Trump does win, my plan is to try to get a Canadian to marry me to get me out of this shithole country. Barring that, I’ll just get a red baseball cap and try to blend in with the fascists.”

There are no laws or statutes which prohibit a disembodied head from running for office according to constitutional scholar Gareth McNary.

“Nowhere in the founding documents does it state that a candidate must have their head connected to their body in order to be eligible,” said McNary. “In fact, candidates aren’t required to have a conventional body at all. In 1840 a gentleman named Rudolph Weiss vied for the Whig Party nomination. Weiss was little more than an amorphous puddle of flesh that had to be wheeled around in a cart. He didn’t win the nomination—not because of his disfigurement, but because he advocated for the abolition of slavery, something that was pretty unpalatable to most voters of the time.”

As of press time, Biden’s head had been temporarily grafted onto a Boston Dynamics robot dog, allowing the president to return to the campaign trail.

Who Cares if Artificial Intelligence Is Depleting Energy Resources When You Can AI Generate As Many Pictures of the Rainforest As You Want

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I feel like there’s just no pleasing you people sometimes. In 2021, I went out and I bought Etherium and Dogecoin because they were blowing up! And you all laughed at me. In 2022, I bought some Bored Ape NFTs. And it was the joke of the season. Now I go out and I do some absolutely fantastic work with AI technology and you all look at me like I’m Grandpa’s big wet chode.

Lately, there’s been a lot of chatter that AI is harmful to the environment. That the network required to keep AI up and running is a catastrophic power sucker. That generating one image is like leaving your phone plugged in for hours and hours. But I’m here to tell you, that’s an idiotic concern. “Oh won’t someone think of the poor trees. You’re destroying the rainforests!” I can hear the environmentalists shriek. But tough titty. With AI, I can generate as many pictures of the rainforest as I want, with happy little six-fingered monkeys and stretched-out palm trees.

And speaking of pictures, let’s talk about why some of the powers that be really don’t want folks like you and me using AI. See, I’ve always known I was destined to be a great artist. But I can’t draw, paint, sculpt, write, act, dance, make music, sing, or even sprinkle glitter without making a mess. And learning how to do these things is both costly and time-consuming. Ergo, the selfish “traditional artists” must also have a grudge against AI. Big Art wants to gatekeep AI art from you. Because they know how cool it looks. It looks really cool.

And I can already hear the shit talkers now: “AI doesn’t make realistic-looking humans. AI makes images that look like the nightmares of a meth-head in a German expressionist film.” That’s what they’ll say. Pearls before swine! The point of art is to be unrealistic. And I love this. Except for surrealist art, which is stupid and terrible and should be banned.

Look, I’ll admit it… the other tech ventures haven’t gone the way I thought they would. But that’s not because Crypto and NFTs are bad or stupid or fundamentally disastrous. No! It’s because the world is controlled by shadow bankers who didn’t want to see the little guy succeed. And that little guy was me. A guy who had his entire life savings taken away when someone screenshotted his apes.