JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysterious reasons, sources who much prefer Snoop Dogg’s wine confirmed.
“This is just great, we finally got rid of all the RosÆnema that no one wanted, and now we’re stuck with thousands of bottles of this horrifically named product taking up space in the cellar. I just hope we can get all this wine sold before the ‘Hooker With a Pinot’ release next month,” said winery manager Casey Dowers, looking over the disturbing images on the wine label. “We’ve tried doing tasting events, giveaways—we even tried a buy one get one special but our customers don’t seem very excited about a ‘double-fist our wine’ promo.”
First-time customer Dan Walsh was reportedly put off not only by the provocative wine name, but some of the other branding choices as well.
“I love Tool and I’ve heard great things about the winery but there’s just something about this wine that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I mean look at this label, it says ‘get knuckle deep inside the bouquet of this complex chardonnay with notes of buttery milk chocolate and shame,’” said Walsh, making a face as he swallowed a mouthful. “I can appreciate this wine on an artistic level, but it’s not the kind of wine I want to drink on the patio when entertaining new neighbors, you know? Feels like the kinda wine you drink alone in the dark in your underwear at 3 a.m. when you just want to feel something.”
While the consumer reviews were mixed at best, wine critic Ken Pritchard was raving about the “complex, foreboding” wine.
“Behind the provocative name and upsetting label actually lies a daring wine that provides a challenging, sophisticated drinking experience. Its many tasting note changes won’t be for everyone, but true connoisseurs will be delighted to learn more each time they revisit this bottle,” said Pritchard, sipping the wine out of a custom glass. “This wine is actually a brilliant commentary on the nature of celebrity and desensitization, but I suspect people who’ve had their taste buds burned off by mainstream booze like Dave Matthews’ wine or Sammy Hagar’s ‘mezquilla’ monstrosity might not have the capacity to appreciate the complexity churning beneath the surface of the ‘Stinkfist Chardonnay.’”
At press time, Maynard James Keenan was reportedly last seen driving a tractor around his winery while yelling “whee!”
His reserved nature, introverted personality, and focus on personal integrity would deter him from participating in ventures that involve aggressive sales tactics or dubious promises of financial success. However, Cameron’s deep sense of loyalty might allow a friend or family member to pressure him to invest in a scheme without actually participating. Probable MLM Choice: Alternative Energy
Brian, the brainy character from “The Breakfast Club,” is deeply focused on academic achievement and intellectual pursuits. Brian’s pragmatic and logical approach to life would likely make him skeptical of MLM schemes, which often rely on emotional appeals and exaggerated promises rather than empirical evidence. His preference for concrete facts and his cautious nature would lead him to scrutinize the practicality and viability of MLM opportunities. Probable MLM Choice: Importing/Exporting
Allison is the quirky and enigmatic character from “The Breakfast Club” known for her unconventional behavior and unique perspective on life. Her eccentric personality and tendency to march to the beat of her own drum suggest that she might entertain the idea of exploring unconventional products and lifestyles, which some MLM schemes often promote. However, Allison’s introverted nature and lack of interest in conforming to societal norms would likely hinder her ability to actively participate in MLM activities. Probable MLM Choice: Eco-Friendly Wellness Products
Gary might find himself moderately inclined towards participating in an MLM scheme, likely focusing on tech gadgets or innovative products. His curiosity and interest in experimenting with new ideas could make him open to exploring and promoting niche products within the MLM industry. However, his practical nature and the challenges of salesmanship might temper his enthusiasm. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Gadgets
Jack is practical and down-to-earth. While he might attend an MLM meeting out of curiosity, he’s too grounded to get swept up in the hype. His experience with managing a household and raising kids has taught him the value of hard work and authenticity. Jack is a man who thrives on genuine human connections and real, tangible results. He’s likely to see through the flashy presentations and empty promises of MLM schemes. Probable MLM Choice: Household Cleaning Products
A high-strung advertising executive who might get dragged into an MLM to relieve some stress. His cautious nature and background in a more traditional corporate environment would make him approach any MLM opportunity with significant reservations, carefully analyzing the risks before making any commitments. Ultimately, Neal’s involvement would be cautious and calculated but ultimately drain his savings and explode in his face. Probable MLM Choice: Leadership Training
Jake’s character in “She’s Having a Baby” is portrayed as a young man navigating the transition to adulthood and the pressures that come with it. While he displays a level-headed and responsible demeanor, Jake is also depicted as someone who values traditional aspirations and stability. This cautious approach to life may make him hesitant to engage in MLM schemes, which often require a higher risk tolerance and a willingness to challenge conventional career paths. Jake might cautiously explore MLM opportunities, albeit with a critical eye. Probable MLM Choice: Health Supplements
Wyatt’s tech-savvy skills and innovative thinking, as evidenced by his creation of Lisa, the perfect woman, suggest he has the capability to be attracted to unconventional ideas. Wyatt’s initial hesitation and moral compass might initially deter him, but his curiosity and desire for social acceptance could eventually lead him to explore MLM opportunities. He might find himself intrigued by innovations in science and technology, potentially seeing MLM as a way to showcase his inventions or ideas to others. However, his introverted nature would make him less effective in the MLM sales environment compared to others. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Industry Startups
Sloane might find herself intrigued by the allure of MLM schemes, primarily due to her charm and ability to network effortlessly. Her socialite status and knack for influencing others could make her a natural fit for promoting lifestyle products or beauty items within the MLM industry. However, Sloane’s discerning taste and practical mindset might also make her skeptical of quick-money schemes. She would excel in bringing people together for MLM events and parties. Probable MLM Choice: Swarovski Crystal
Samantha’s romantic idealism and sensitive nature could lead her to believe in the transformative power of the products she sells, such as skincare or wellness items. Samantha’s desire to make meaningful connections and her willingness to explore alternative paths might align well with the community-focused aspects of MLMs. However, her initial hesitation and ethical considerations could moderate her involvement, keeping her likelihood slightly below maximum. Probable MLM Choice: Skincare Products
Bender’s rebellious nature and keen awareness of authority structures would make him see MLMs as just another system to exploit. He would participate fully aware of the Ponzi scheme nature of it, enjoying the thrill of bending the rules and seeing how much he could get away with. However, his disdain for authority and the establishment would keep him from fully committing, often leaving a trail of chaos in his wake rather than any real success. Probable MLM Choice: Adult Erotic Toys
Clark Griswold’s unwavering optimism and his relentless pursuit of the American Dream could easily lead him down the MLM rabbit hole. Ever the family man, Clark’s desire to provide the best for his loved ones and his penchant for get-rich-quick schemes make him a prime candidate for MLM pitches. His tendency to dive headfirst into ill-advised adventures without fully understanding the consequences would see him embracing an MLM with enthusiasm, convinced he could achieve financial success and finally fund the perfect family vacation. However, his lack of attention to detail and overly trusting nature might allow him to be taken advantage of and lose everything. Probable MLM Choice: Insurance Packages
With her independent streak and determination, could easily find herself drawn into an MLM scheme. Growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, she’s always had to hustle to get by, and that entrepreneurial spirit could make her a prime target for MLM recruiters. Andie’s eye for fashion and her knack for creating unique looks from thrift store finds could translate into a natural affinity for selling beauty or fashion products. However, her deep sense of loyalty and the close bonds she forms with people might make her hesitant to push too hard on her friends. Probable MLM Choice: Trendy Fashion Accessories
The clever and resourceful protagonist would grow up to be drawn in by the promise of self-sufficiency. His personality traits could translate into a savvy but potentially misguided entrepreneurial spirit. Kevin might be drawn to MLM schemes promising independence and the thrill of outmaneuvering others in a competitive market. His desire for self-sufficiency and his knack for thinking on his feet could make him successful in a niche MLM. Probable MLM Choice: For-Profit Universities
His athletic background and disciplined demeanor suggest Andy might gravitate towards promoting fitness or sports-related products within such schemes. Additionally, desire to excel could drive him to engage enthusiastically in networking and sales activities typical of MLM businesses. However, his tendency to want to please authority might lead him to blindly trust the wrong people, making him a prime target for manipulation. Probable MLM Choice: Fitness Products
Buck’s larger-than-life personality and willingness to dive headfirst into offbeat ventures make him particularly susceptible to the flashy promises of multi-level marketing. His approach to life—more about making a quick buck and having a good time than sticking to conventional paths—would make him an enthusiastic, if somewhat misguided, participant in MLM activities. Buck’s charm and knack for connecting with people could make him a persuasive recruiter, especially when it comes to selling quirky or unconventional products. Probable MLM Choice: Wholesale Gadgets and Gizmos
Jim’s combination of charm and desperation for a stable income could easily lead him into the world of MLMs. His tendency to jump from job to job and his skill in spinning tall tales might make him an attractive candidate for MLM recruiters. Jim’s willingness to take risks and his natural charisma would help him recruit others, but his lack of financial savvy might cause him to overlook the pitfalls. The allure of quick money and the promise of independence would be hard for him to resist, making him a likely MLM target despite the eventual fallout. Probable MLM Choice: Real Estate
Steff McKee, the quintessential preppy antagonist from Pretty in Pink, has a flair for self-importance and a knack for exploiting social hierarchies. His propensity for flaunting his family’s wealth and his obsession with status make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes that promise exclusivity and a taste of the high life. Steff’s inclination to surround himself with people who admire his social standing could make him susceptible to MLM pitches. His charm and ability to manipulate social circles would likely help him recruit others. Probable MLM Choice: Cryptocurrency
Claire’s socialite status and charm would make her a prime candidate for MLM schemes. She would host glamorous parties and convince her affluent friends to join, effortlessly pushing beauty and luxury lifestyle products. Her popularity and persuasive nature would ensure a steady stream of recruits, making her a top performer in any MLM organization she joins. Probable MLM Choice: Luxury Beauty Products
Ferris’s charisma and ability to charm others would likely make him a top MLM recruiter, pitching lifestyle and vacation products. His personality and ability to persuade others would make him an effective recruiter and salesman within the MLM structure. Ferris’s knack for convincing people to join him in his adventures could easily translate into convincing them to join his MLM team. His charm and confidence could also help him sell almost anything, leveraging his popularity and social influence to build a successful MLM business. Probable MLM Choice: Vacation Packages
Duckie would get involved in any MLM scheme proposed to him, but he would be notoriously bad at them. Duckie’s outgoing personality, love for fashion, and entrepreneurial spirit make him susceptible to the flashy promises and social dynamics of MLMs. However, his lack of sales finesse, tendency to overshare personal anecdotes during pitches, and his insistence on being authentic and honest would alienate potential customers. Probable MLM Choice: Event Ticket Resales
Roman Craig, the high-powered, money-obsessed brother-in-law, actively participates in a ponzi scheme in the movie. Roman’s relentless pursuit of wealth and status, combined with his love for showing off, would make him a prime target for the flashy allure of multi-level marketing. He’s the type who’d be drawn to the promises of financial freedom and a luxurious lifestyle. Roman’s smooth-talking, hyper-competitive nature would see him diving headfirst into an MLM, convinced he could out-hustle everyone else and rise to the top. He’d be the guy throwing lavish recruitment parties at his upscale home, complete with PowerPoint presentations and testimonials from supposed “millionaire” MLM veterans. Probable MLM Choice: Day Trading
Dell’s gregarious nature and extensive “work” experience make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes. His innate ability to connect with people and his relentless optimism would make him a natural recruiter. Dell’s tendency to see the best in everyone and everything might blind him to the red flags of MLMs and he would struggle to see the harm he’s inadvertently causing. His infectious enthusiasm would likely convince even the most skeptical, dragging them into the MLM world alongside him. Unfortunately, his unwavering faith in people would also mean that when it all falls apart, Dell would be the last to admit defeat. And when the inevitable collapse happens, he’d likely double down, thinking his next pitch or product will finally be the one to succeed. Probable MLM Choice: Knives