Metalhead Farmer Reports Highest Sorrow Harvest in Decades

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

GREENTOWN, Ind. — Local metalhead and harvester Jonas Fitzgerald says this year’s sorrow yield is the highest in decades, according to sources with inside knowledge of the situation.

“Oh, it’s a really good crop this year, real good,” said Fitzgerald while blasting Immortal from the inside of his brand new combine harvester. “I’d credit all this sorrow to the US elections, climate change, droughts, wildfires, floods, impending world war, rampant toxic masculinity, an unstable housing market, corrupt Supreme Court, sky-high grocery prices, post-pandemic profiteering, record-breaking CEO salaries, lack of health care, Project 2025, gas prices, diminishing women’s rights, unchecked transphobia, racism, crumbling infrastructures, gerrymandering, education cuts, DNC impotence, spending any amount of time on your X account, reading YouTube comments, and the death of Richard Simmons.”

Glen Park, manager of Park’s Farm Supply and Feed store, says he’s doing all he can to keep up with demand.

“I’ve never sold this many silos in one harvest season,” claimed Park as he snapped his suspenders. “Greentown will look like New York City if I have to keep building this many silos to store all the sorrow. It’s a good problem to have, I suppose, as years of optimism meant smaller and smaller harvests. You’re hard-pressed to find anyone optimistic about anything these days, though, unless they’re a complete moron that lives underneath a rock and has never heard ‘…And Justice for All.’”

Economic expert Joshua Timberbrandt predicts that this is only the beginning.

“Exploiting vulnerable populations is more profitable than it’s ever been,” said Timberbrandt while moving money to off-shore bank accounts. “Pressing my thumb down on the most at-risk segments of the population has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams, and I’m the son of a billionaire. The trick is to make people more desperate so they have no choice but to keep paying more and more for less and less. Give them a million things to worry about and they’ll never be able to focus on any one issue long enough to try and change things. And now that ol’ Donny is back in office, I only expect things to get better. For people like me, that is.”

At press time, Fitzgerald was seen mowing portions of his corn field using nothing but the sharp edges of a B.C. Rich Warlock.

Ten Underrated Albums From 2001 That Could Have Stopped 9/11 If Someone Were Listening to Them on the Plane

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Just before America bled and shortly after Y2K failed, the 21st century started with a rock/roll bang, or whimper depending upon which of you miscreants is reading this with the advent of iTunes in early January. Shortly after, the President known as George Herbert Walker Bush took office, and until late-2016, we thought that this was the worst possible option for our great nation, but he seems super sweet now for a domestic terrorist with his adroable bond with Michelle Obama. 2001 also had some monumental albums from blink-182, The Strokes, System of a Down, Dashboard Confessional, and more acts that STILL stream well. This article is not about these J-date success stories, but it is designed to highlight the top ten most underrated full-length studio albums from 2001 in alphabetical order. You hate us because you ain’t us, so we know we’re wrong already.

Bad Astronaut “Acrophobe”

Side projects don’t usually get the same love as their prequel episode, and mostly for valid reasons, but Bad Astronaut’s debut full-length studio album “Acrophobe” managed to be superior to SOME, but not ALL Lagwagon records; All is a great band too but we digress. Joey Cape is the prolific gent behind BA and Its multi-genre sound landscape is different in the best way, and you likely missed it because you were too busy talking about “The Sopranos.” The band released two more albums but sadly closed shop in 2006 after the death of drummer Derrick Plourde. To add insult to injury, after the band reunited in 2010, they lost another drummer as Erik Herzog also passed away. Although the band is forever marred in not one, but two tragedies, their catalog remains standing the test of time, and “Acrophobe” is timely AND timeless any day, month, or year.

Breaking Pangaea “Cannon to a Whisper”

Google Fred Mascherino and you will find A LOT of bands that he has been a part of including his current stint Say Anything and The Lemonheads… but we are here to discuss the oft-overlooked Breaking Pangaea, which is likely mispronounced even more than Mascherino. The band also featured Will Noon on drums, who later moonlit in Straylight Run. “Cannon to a Whisper” is BP’s only full-length studio effort and it came out at the very tail end of 2001, making it eligible for this esteemed list by just under twenty-one days. Sadly the band broke up just three years later, but happily they reunited for a one-off show in 2019. If you think that Warped tour vets can’t play their instruments, then you definitely haven’t seen punk legend John Mayer cosplaying Jerry Garcia.

Every Time I Die “Last Night In Town”

Every Time I Die is a critical darling in inferior publications, but their public love often starts with their sophomore full-length “Hot Damn!” and subsequently moves forward, skipping this underrated gem. However, both literally and figuratively, “Hot Damn” would not be their second if “Last Night In Town” was eliminated from history, and this release is a brutal by definition introduction to the band. Want proof? Play it for your octogenarian Grandma and count how many seconds it takes her to say, “Turn that racket off!” Enter without knocking, notify the police, DON’T listen to her, and blast LNIT even louder; that’ll show ‘em. Buffalo’s favorite sons not named Goo Goo Dolls deserve more listens on this LP.

Fenix TX “Lechuza”

Fenix TX’s last full-length studio album “Lechuza” is quite the paradox as it managed to be certified gold yet still under the radar. Maybe it’s because the pop-punk boom was, uh, booming? Maybe it’s because it’s significantly heavier than its self-titled predecessor? Or maybe it’s because it was reviewed poorly in whack “news” outlets? Whatever it is, we’re touched by it much like Judge Reinhold in the 1980s comedy goldmine “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” We may get flak for this, but “Lechuza” is Fenix TX’s best album, just ask the cast of 1980s drama gem “Stand By Me,” Jem is truly outrageous (truly, truly, truly outrageous). Barn owls, pastures of muppets, dead horses, and the state of Texas would all combine together into a happy tearjerker if you put this LP in heavy rotation.

Mad Caddies “Rock The Plank”

Ska record one of two in this piece: If you like your ska with a heavy morsel of Dixieland, well Mad Caddies’ “Rock The Plank” is for you. Jack Sparrow approved this very entry, and because of said accolade the Goleta, California band’s third album doesn’t let up from start to finish with an “R” and the “Sea.” Actually, the band’s entire catalog is too slept on for its own good, so you should dig into the two that came before “Rock The Plank” and the others that followed. FYI: Track two, “Mary Melody” is a personal favorite and easily not only one of the best songs on this album, but one of their most high quality numbers altogether… What can WE do? Just try NOT to tap your feet and/or smile to this one! Spoiler alert from Paul Heyman: You can’t. No no no.

Muse “Origin Of Symmetry”

Yes, fools, we know before we write the rest of this section that many of you will scoff at this entry and your cold hearts that have yet to merge into a supermassive black hole, but stateside it took Muse one more album for things to start to literally plug in, baby, so this one is a new born for many domestically; we’re feeling good about these Easter Egg mentions but not about your lack of acumen. Disagree? Well this album wasn’t even released in the US until four years later, so you can take your attitude to where the sun doesn’t shine. In closing, Muse absolutely put the “power” in power trio into “Origin Of Symmetry,” and eventually took over the world. Lucky concert attendees usually get to hear a song or two from this full-length studio album at Muse rock/roll/party/soul shows.

Rocket From The Crypt “Group Sounds”

A horn section playing in a band that ISN’T ska? Blasphemy OR badass? You decide, but we know that it’s mad cool, daddy-o, AND we love ska unironically; if you don’t believe us, look into our ska week that took place earlier this year. After leaving Interscope Records shortly after their also underrated almost self-titled acronym named album, San Diego’s Rocket From The Crypt signed to Vagrant Records and released “Group Sounds,” which is exactly that but more fiery. Self-produced albums are a mixed bag with more rotten apples than crisp/juicy ones, but RFTC proved to the haters that they had all things production and arrangement under AND out of control. Fun fact: The band played this album in full at Riot Fest in 2022.

Rx Bandits “Progress”

Ska record two of two in this piece: If you like your ska with a combination of every musical genre in existence, well Rx Bandits’ “Progress” is for you. Easily one of the better ska albums of the 21st Century, “Progress” is also one of the more underrated Drive-Thru Records releases as well. Also, if you had a chance to go to Warped Tour the following year, said label had its own stage, and Rx Bandits performed on it with honors/bands that your older brother Irving still rocks out to like Home Grown, Finch, The Starting Line, The Movielife, and more. Rx Bandits got weirder in the best way with each subsequent release but we posit that this one was more of their oddity gateway drug, as their prior LP was more straight ahead. Well, we here like things weird, and we love it when bands, uh, progress.

Semisonic “All About Chemistry”

So much more than“Closing Time,” which is honestly the ’90s version of “Sweet Caroline” but we digress. Minneapolis, Minnesota’s Semisonic got a combination of an insane degree of success and an extremely unfair shake as they were relegated to one hit wonder status after the aforementioned mega-single was no longer their current one. Still, we’d rather have one hit than none, amirite? “All About Chemistry,” Semisonic’s third full-length studio album should’ve kept the band afloat for much, much longer but it unfortunately caused the act’s periodic table to fall down and break (up) for the first time. Honestly, it’s more of an album experience than their sophomore full-length that featured “Closing Time,” and we implore you to disagree. Happily, the band finally released a follow-up record last year, making the sun a little bit brighter… and now we’re about to close out tonight and forever.

Sense Field “Tonight And Forever”

The alphabet doesn’t lie, so we guess we’re opening and closing this piece with something sad: Sense Field’s vocalist Jon Bunch left this earth in 2016 and we’d love to send our condolences to his family, friends, and bandmates, who were likely regarded as a combination of family AND friends. Even though this effort from the underrated Sense Field had a minor hit with “Save Yourself,” most casual rock fans who overuse the word emo likely don’t know about any senses but failing ones… and that’s ok, but don’t let it happen again! We promise to not ask you to name three songs by the band. Anyway, this full-length studio record needs more public affection on social media and offline as it found a way to remain timeless through love songs, emergency exits, and fun never ending. Could you save yourself for someone who could love you for you?

30 Lesser Known Nirvana Songs Doctors Have Been Prescribing Gen Xers to Cure Their Erectile Dysfunction

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Gen Xers will always remember where they were on 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the day they found out Kurt Cobain was killed by Courtney Love, who then went on a murder spree of famous grunge singers. More recently, Gen X will never forget the first time they couldn’t get it up. For those in this generation who still don’t want to be labeled, we can’t just call them impotent or sexually washed up. That’s why we are here to help.

If we know anything about Generation X, the more obscure you go with your cultural references, the more emotionally and physically aroused they will become, which should be enough to jump start their private parts. That being said, here are the top 30 lesser known Nirvana songs doctors have been prescribing men of a certain age to cure their lack of erections. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. Curmudgeon

This Nirvana track was first tested on Gen X lab rats. In rodent years, that is about 15 months old. Regardless, after just one listen to “Curmudgeon,” the vermin fucked everything in sight, and then a few days later started smoking cigarettes and wearing those cool white sunglasses just like Kurt. This is how influential this band was.

29. Very Ape

The late Steve Albini famously produced “In Utero.” Steve was technically a Boomer and it was well-documented that he never once had an erection while recording this album, proving that Nirvana-inspired hard-ons only affect the generation that Boomers probably still contemptuously refer to as “slackers.”

28. Old Age

The history of this track is a little murky. It appears to be a Hole song that was written by Kurt with lyrics later penned by Courtney Love, but at one point Nirvana also recorded for themselves. This is confusing. We need to know exactly who to credit all these boners to.

27. Radio Friendly Unit Shifter

Sure, back-end “In Utero” tracks can help get you rock solid, but unfortunately you’ll also have to counteract that sudden arousal by doing that trick where you think about Pearl Jam during sex to avoid premature ejaculation. Thankfully, ’90s grunge has a variety of uses.

26. Verse Chorus Verse

If you’re going to forego the pharmaceutical drug route in favor of a more Nirvana-friendly approach, you’ll have to exercise extreme caution. Side effects may include having an erection that lasts longer than the entire three disc, one DVD “With the Lights Out” box set.

25. Hairspray Queen

The bassline is unhinged, the guitar riffs are incoherent, and Kurt sounds like someone is stepping on his pinky toe the whole time. Surprisingly, this is all a Gen Xer needs to successfully copulate in the wild.

24. Marigold

“Marigold” is more of a solo Dave Grohl song since he wrote and sung this one. Some hypothesize that pre “Everlong” Foo Fighters might also help Gen X with their flaccid dicks. However, tests are still in early trial stages and are not yet FDA-approved.

23. (New Wave) Polly

Regular “Polly” just won’t do the trick. If we want the 50-year-olds to have sex for hours on end, they need to dial it up with the peppier version. That’s why we don’t recommend anything off “Unplugged in New York.” Doesn’t go hard enough.

22. Moist Vagina

Kurt was often criticized for writing cryptic lyrics that didn’t seem to make any sense. However, the original title of this track is “Moist Vagina And Then She Blew Him Like He’s Never Been Blown, Brains Stuck All Over the Wall” and 75% of it is him screaming “Marijuana.” It somehow makes less sense knowing all this. But whatever, penises do not care about lyrical clarity.

21. Return of the Rat

The further you dig into Nirvana’s back catalog, the more realize their ability to cover songs was elite. If anything, they were the best cover band of all time. Many medical practitioners will frequently prescribe the Wipers version of this song followed by Nirvana’s and just let the erections fly.

20. Scentless Apprentice

If you are not fully erect and ready to wield your penis around like a sword after the first five seconds of Dave Grohl’s hypnotic opening drumming here, can you even call yourself a limp Gen Xer?

19. Love Buzz

“Love Buzz” was Nirvana’s debut single, which just so happened to be another one of their rewarding covers that was superior to the original. While it’s nice to see scientists discover obscure Nirvana tracks to treat erectile dysfunction, they also need to study how this band got so proficient at performing other groups’ songs better than them.

18. Milk It

Sometimes even a licensed physician screaming the words “doll steak” and “test meat” during a routine physical is enough to jumpstart a Gen Xer’s genital region. Hey, whatever works.

17. Pen Cap Chew

Not even Dave Grohl knows about this one since he wasn’t in the band yet. Think of “Pen Cap Chew” like his secret family to his “Smell Like Teen Spirit” primary household. If hidden affairs can get Dave off, surely “Pen Cap Chew” can for you.

16. Son of a Gun

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by heart issues, lack of sleep, and vitamin deficiencies. But we’ve only recently discovered that it’s mainly a direct result of low Nirvana intake. Be sure to get in your daily dose of “the ones they didn’t play on the radio” when you’re in the mood to plow.

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Overly Confident Matt Gaetz Claims He Could Expose Himself to a Tween on Fifth Avenue and He Wouldn’t Lose Any Followers

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz made a shocking claim that he could expose his genitals to an underaged person and not lose any support from his base, disgusted DC insiders reported.

“Let’s be honest patriots, I could pull out my pecker and waggle it at a 13-year-old kid, yet it wouldn’t sway a single Republican vote. God bless America!” cackled a grinning Gaetz to unsuspecting diners at a beltway Denny’s. “I’m not saying I have done that or would do that. But I’m not NOT saying it either, you catch my drift? Everything is legal for me, President Trump, and my best friend, the ghost of British comic Jimmy Savile who we will pardon on day one.”

President-elect Donald Trump offered some insight into the decision-making process that led to Gaetz’s nomination.

“You know what, a lot of smart people say ‘it takes one to know one.’ This is why I’m putting Matt Gaetz in charge of the Department of Justice. We are finally going to start catching pedophiles, and no one knows a diddler better than Gaetz. He’s popular, he knows a lot of sexual deviants, really sick people, and that’s exactly what I’m looking for,” gurgled President Trump, who reportedly narrowed down his list to Gaetz, Woody Allen, and Jerry Sandusky. “He can walk into Langley with his little pebble cock hanging out, and who would arrest him? You gotta see it, it’s so small, possibly the smallest thing ever contained in pants. You can’t be prosecuted if no one can stand to be in your physical proximity. So I will build a cabinet so repulsive that not even that little dickhead Rachel Maddow would want to interview them for her little fake news show.”

Political analysts are dismayed at how brazen Trump’s cabinet is in their disturbing and off-putting behavior.

“While Matt Gaetz is correct that his followers would absolutely forgive him for any heinous crime, I’m hopeful that in this hypothetical situation, a decent human being would kick him in the chode if it were to transpire,” said Judy Granger, editor at Politico. “Democrats have proven that they won’t do anything outside of weak bureaucracy against Republicans, but that doesn’t mean ordinary people don’t have power. Especially ones with rifles and good aim.”

Another Trump cabinet pick, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has made a similarly bizarre claim that he could fellate a dead goat on Fifth Avenue and not contract bone disease from flouride in the goat’s blood.

George R.R. Martin and Streetlight Manifesto Team Up to Keep Fans Waiting Indefinitely

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BAYONNE, N.J. — American author George R. R. Martin teamed up with members of Streetlight Manifesto to announce plans to collaborate on a new project aimed at keeping fans in suspense indefinitely, confirmed disappointed sources.

“I’ve actually been a huge Streetlight Manifesto fan for a while,” said Martin. “Lyrically, I find the grim reality of Westeros has a lot in common with ska. So much so, and I won’t say which one, but I’ve based a major villain in my ‘A Song of Ice of Fire’ saga on the singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I realized Streetlight hadn’t released a record in 11 years! I knew then I wanted to reach out and collaborate on something where we can really make the fans bash their heads against a wall out of frustration.”

Fans were buzzing with excitement about the possibility of not getting something new.

“I’m surprised and excited. Receiving word of a delay is just as exhilarating as the product itself,” gushed Luke Matthews, a fan of both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto. “What really sets them both apart from their peers is how much creative energy they spend on writing about how they are not writing. Two titans of delays teaming up to find new and innovative ways to avoid giving the fans what they want, it’s hard to fathom and I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m just really looking forward to not getting anything for years to come. Possibly ever again. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even start un-releasing previous works. You never know with those guys.”

However, some had concerns that this collaboration might actually have other less ideal ramifications.

“In order for this project between them to be a success they actually have to avoid collaborating together,” said pop culture historian Nick Lewsen. “Given their history of using other projects to avoid the ones fans really care about — all of sudden ‘The Winds of Winter’ and a new record are all but guaranteed to be finished and released. And I’m just not sure how I feel about that.”

As of press time, both Martin and Streetlight Manifesto independently revealed the intricacies of wearing vintage fisherman and engineer hats while offering no new information on their joint project.

Opinion: No, I’m Telling You, I Just Have To Stay Up All Night So I Can Go To Bed Early Tomorrow and That’ll Fix My Sleep Schedule Forever

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never had a great relationship with sleep. I think it started when I would stay up all night trying to unlock Jenna Jameson’s character in “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4” (I didn’t know about the cheat code back then). Or maybe it was when I would sneak out to the living room to turn on Adult Swim after that kid at school told me they let “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” say “fuck” uncensored after 3 a.m. (you’re a lying bastard, Ricky—that’s probably why your dad left).

The point is that I used to have to fight to stay up late. Now, I’ll stay awake until the sun comes up if I’m not careful. But trust me—I have a plan to fix my sleep schedule, and begin putting my shitshow life back together. All I have to do is not sleep tonight, then I’ll be so tired that I’ll just have to go to bed at a decent hour tomorrow. I’ll crash out at 10 or 11 and be up by 7 the next morning. It’s foolproof!

Look, I know what you’re going to say. “You’ve tried this before and it’s almost never worked—and even when it does work, it never sticks. You always end up falling asleep before you even make it to the next night. Last time you tried this, you passed out at noon and lost your job at Taco Bell after they found you face-down in the shredded cheese. The time before that, you fell asleep on the couch at 3 p.m. and made us late for my grandmother’s wake. And even that one time it did work, you ended up staying awake until 5 in the morning two days later anyway. This is getting unhealthy and I’m worried about you.” Well, I know my body.

Despite exhibiting this pattern of behavior for most of my adult life, I’m 100 percent confident that pulling off this stunt will fix everything forever this time—and that I’ll never have to make any changes to other aspects of my lifestyle or examine my mental health in any meaningful way.

I just lose track of the time is all! It’s not my fault that super interesting YouTube videos happen upon my feed while I have other, more important tasks to complete. Sure, I need to have my tax return done by tonight—but how can I possibly be expected to focus on that before learning all the ways Ween inspired “SpongeBob SquarePants”? And so what if I pace around the living room rehearsing for imaginary conversations when I should be writing my screenplay? I can leave all that behind anytime I want—and borderline torturing myself through sleep deprivation is just the way to do it. The next time you see me, I’ll have such a healthy sleep schedule you’ll be sorry for ever doubting how well-adjusted I am.

Editor’s Note: The author of this piece ended up falling asleep at 2 in the afternoon and woke up around midnight. He insists this is only a minor setback and that “one more try will definitely do the trick “for real this time.”

Crust Punk Tribe Has 19 Words for “Broke”

Posted on by Tim Graham

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The group of gutter punks that loiters near 5th and Huron employs many invented terms for states of impoverishment, sources hurrying past the corner confirm.

“We have a lot of words that refer to different kinds of being penniless,” said Skidder Blaine while he lettered a cardboard sign. “There’s ‘crumbed,’ which means you’ve got a few bucks but not enough for a pint of vodka or 40 ounce. ‘Slizzed’ means you’re broke until someone who owes you money pays you back. ‘Povvo’ means flat broke, like nothing at all to your name, not even butts. If you’re broke but you’ve got butts, you’re ‘squoze.’ Right now, I’m ‘quimmed,’ which means I’m poor and my life’s in danger because I owe a bunch of people money.”

Neighborhood residents confess to being bewildered by the punk clan’s strange vocabulary.

“I have to walk past that corner on my way to work every day,” said Cassie Seder. “I usually pretend to be talking on the phone so I don’t have to engage. I honestly have no idea what they’re even referring to half the time. The other day one of them asked for help because they were ‘triple-skint.’ Why can’t they just ask for spare change like normal people? Instead I hear them complaining about being ‘jobbered,’ whatever that is. They also ask me for ‘coffos’ frequently, which I assume are cigarettes. You’d think they’d get it after two years of telling them every day that I don’t smoke.”

Cultural anthropologist Dr. Elmer Swanson says that isolated subcultures tend to develop unique lexicons.

“The dialects of these sorts of groups often relate to subjects concerning areas they’re most familiar with. For instance, consider the Inuit people’s many words for types of snow,” explained Dr. Swanson. “In the case of the Ann Arbor punk collective, we see a group that has developed colloquialisms related to subjects of specific importance to them including alcohol, drug abuse and of course, being destitute. I’m currently preparing to embed myself with the clan for several weeks to learn more about their culture and language. I’ll be ready to go as soon as I finish getting the necessary inoculations.”

At press time, the tribe had reportedly splintered after a brawl erupted over how to split $19 in change seven ways evenly.

Fascist Historical Figures Ranked by How Badly Joe Rogan Wants Them on His Show

Posted on by Dan Rice

Joe Rogan’s last-minute endorsement of Donald Trump came as a shock to anyone not already familiar with his “I’m not a conservative, I just conservative a lot” schtick. Now that he’s discarded all token pretense of just being a “free-thinker,” it’s time to talk dream guests!

It’s always been Papa Joe’s deepest wish to sit face to face with the most prolific fascists from history and ask them hard-hitting questions like “Didn’t ‘The View’ used to love you?” and “Don’t you think it’s sad cops are sad because libs get mad when a few of them do murders?’”

If you’re scratching your head wondering “How can Joe interview these people, they are all long dead!” try to remember all the stuff they’re doing now with AI brah, plus the singularity and also mushrooms as well. Yeah, now who is stupid? Maybe do your research next time? 🤔😎💩

10. Fumimaro Konoye of Japan

One surefire way to become a guest on the Joe Rogan show is to get a bunch of people to compare you to Hitler, and we all know Hitler made a name for himself during WWII, but what about the men who made that great war possible in the first place? Today, as a special treat, Joe welcomes former Japanese Prime Minister Fumimaro Konoye, whose Wikipedia page Joe will read at him occasionally pausing to ask hard-hitting questions like “You did that stuff? Wow.” and “The bioavailability of fish protein is insane, right?” You’re gonna want an extra cup of Black Rifle Coffee and lion’s mane mushroom extract on hand as Joe breaks down how Konoye’s dissolvement of all rival political parties was a lot like his move to Spotify.

9. Ante Pavelić of Croatia

Ante Pavelić was the dictator of The Independent State of Croatia from 1941 to 1945, head of the ultranationalist organization Ustaša, and recipient of the Grand Cross of the Order of the German Eagle awarded by Hitler himself. After Joe harshly condemns his genocidal actions against Jews, Serbs, Roma, and anti-Fascists as “whacky” and “pretty nutty if I’m being honest dude” (right to his face!) the boys talk about how cool the Grand Cross looks, the importance of medals and the drive it takes to achieve them. Need nootropics on the go? Try Neurogum today. Use promo code JRE for $10 off your first order.

8. Engelbert Dollfuß of Austria

Fascist leaders are like highlanders bro—in the end, there can only be one. Of all the heads Hitler chopped off to gain the political equivalent of the quickening, Dollfuss’s probably… gave off the most sparks? I don’t know, I’m pretty high right now. From his humble beginnings as Minister of Agriculture and Forestry (before the libs took it over and made it all political yo) Dollfuss (or Dollfuß if you’re nasty) rose to become dictator of Austria. On paper, it sounds like he and Hitler would be great friends, but apparently, they weren’t because of some complicated history shit? Today Joe sits down with the former Chancellor of Austria to get to the bottom of this, but he doesn’t really pay a lot of attention and they wind up going on a tirade about trans athletes. Sick fucking episode, buckle up.

7. Getúlio Vargas of Brazil

Brazil, retirement paradise of Nazi war criminals and home to some of the fiercest fighters in the world thanks to genetics and an 80% Toxoplasmosis infection rate brah. Today Joe has the pleasure of chatting with Getúlio Vargas, who served as President of Brazil from 1930 to 1945, and then again from 1951 to 1954. Hmm, a lot of these fascist dictator guys seem to have gaps like that… probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, Joe helps break down how Getúlio is proof positive that America can work with, not against fascist dictators by sighting FDR’s support of Estado Novo before devolving into a diatribe about how young people are going gay to get into Ivy League schools, all brought to you by the good people at Athletic Greens.

6. Philippe Pétain of France

Should a country dismiss the legacy of a bonafide war hero just because he went on to seize control of the government and collaborate with one itsy bitsy Nazi dictator? Joe doesn’t think so! In the interest of fair and balanced media, Joe wants to give Pétain a chance to tell his side of the story. They’ll talk about how giving the slightest, completely empty protest to deporting French Jews to concentration camps wasn’t actually a big deal, why Charles De Gaulle was a cuck, and how to stay fit in exile way into your ’90s (hint, the secret isn’t soy milk bra!) Brought to you by Zip Recruiter.

5. António de Oliveira Salazar of Portugal

Stalin’s got the kill count, Hitler’s got the branding, but isn’t there something to be said for staying power? Serving as Prime Minister of Portugal from 1932 to 1968, Oliveira established one of the longest-lived authoritarian regimes in all of modern Europe. Think about that bro! Today Joe picks his brain about how to best ward off contenders to the throne (he’s seeing Theo Von in his rearview a lot lately,) how to get ahead in fascism by adamantly claiming not to be a fascist, and how totalitarianism and capitalism can totes coexist!

4. Ioannis Metaxas of Greece

Any Roganite knows it takes some seriously high T to become a fascist dictator, but pulling that shit off in the country that invented wrestling bro? Now that’s some real MAN shit. That’s probably why his whole country called him Daddy. Well, that and the fact that he demanded they do it. This week Joe sits with the Freethinkker’s Party founder to talk about how the Greek economic collapse of 2007 never would have happened with a strongman like him making all the decisions, the importance of book burnings, and how Pankration paved the way for mixed martial arts in 648 B.C.

3. Benito Mussolini of Italy

In today’s guest corner, we have Il Duce, the founder, the Ray Kroc of fascism, it’s Benito Mussolini! This is the man who showed the greats how it was done, and Joe will be quick to remind you that he means “great” in the Dan Carlin way, with a big “G,” not great as in good. He’ll say it a lot though, to the point where you start to think “Is this a dog whistle? Does he want it both ways or something?” Mussolini laid out the blueprint of government that would be copied and adopted by nearly all Axis powers, basically what Joe did for the carnivore diet. Anyway, Joe takes him to task with hard-hitting critiques like “Yeah I mean, I can’t condone what you did and what it inspired, but like, you’re an O.G dude, that’s undeniable.”

2. Ion Antonescu of Romania

When we think of WWII-era fascist Axis leaders, after efficiency, we think of very bad people who murdered Jews. Well, what if Joe Rogan told you that the dictator of Romania actually SAVED the majority of Jews in Romania proper from deportation to Poland? And what if Joe forgot to mention that he did so by killing 400,000 Jews in Romanian territories, seizing all wealth and property from the ones he didn’t deport, and pretty much just leaving the time and manner of their execution “TBD?” Well, Joe would get right on X (not Twitter) and post a correction, calling himself an idiot, but reminding you that you’re the bigger idiot for listening to him in the first place. Then he would go right back to directly influencing a sizable portion of the voting population.

1. Adolf Hitler of Germany

The man himself. From Duncan Trussell to Elon Musk, it has all been leading to this folks. For years Joe has been telling his guests that it’s completely unfair they get compared to Hitler. Today, he reveals that this sentiment comes from a place of love and adoration. If you thought his Trump interview was a sycophantic cards-on-the-table moment, you ain’t seen nothing yet. After some light token criticism over his extermination of “an unclear number” of Jewish people, Rogan invites Hitler to open up about what it’s like to be a victim of liberal media bias. Joe can’t post the video out of fear of being shadowbanned, but there is totally a clip out there of “The View” hosts praising Hitler before the leftist political machine made them reverse course brah.

Attorney General Nominee Matt Gaetz Requests to Be Sworn in on Epstein’s Little Black Book

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Former Florida Congressman and current Attorney General nominee Matt Gaetz reportedly put in an unorthodox request today after asking to be sworn in on Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book, sources confirmed.

“Whether it was an argument with my girlfriend over her curfew or an illegal Democratic witch hunt over a tiny little alleged ‘sex trafficking’ violation, when times were tough there was always one book I could turn to for salvation: Epstein’s Little Black Book. Without it and the towering influence of the figures within, I wouldn’t be where I am today. That’s why I think it’s only right that I’m sworn in as your next Attorney General on this sacred text,” said Gaetz, giving a statement from his field office underneath the bleachers at a high school volleyball game. “I just wish that my good friend Jeff was here to witness this day, but sadly you can’t have a holy crusade without a martyr.”

President-Elect Donald Trump took to Truth Social to quickly make the historic announcement all about him.

“My friend Matt Gaetz, good guy, loves women, all women, young old, it doesn’t matter, he loves them all, but especially young. That’s what makes him great, he told me he’s going to be sworn in as Attorney General on Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that great folks? And let me tell you what a special book it is. A great book. People keep telling me my name is in there many times, many more times than Bill Clinton even, can you believe that?” said Trump, holding up a gilded copy of the book. “Well folks, for just $59.99 you can get a copy of the God Bless the USA edition of Epstein’s Little Black Book, isn’t that wonderful? It’s got the Ten Commandments, only the good parts of the Constitution, and many celebrities. Let’s stop the madness and Make America Prey Again!”

Trump insider Glen Stephens revealed that similar requests have skyrocketed amidst the flood of Trump Cabinet nominees.

“President Trump has been appointing nominees so quickly, I can hardly keep up with all the requests for Epstein’s Little Black Book for swearing in ceremonies. Luckily we kept a few of the copies Trump left in the Lincoln Bedroom nightstands,” said Stephens, searching through a cardboard box full of confidential documents in a Mar-a-Lago janitor’s closet. “The special requests have been making it tough, though—Stephen Miller requested his with all the ‘ethnic sounding names’ crossed out, and Elon keeps asking if he can be sworn in on a flaming katana.”

Gaetz later announced that his first act as Attorney General would be to urge the DEA to reschedule Rohypnol.

Study Finds 100,000 Drummers Are Lost A Year In Stage Fog

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

DENVER — A recent study conducted by the National Drummers Association (NDA) found that upwards of 100,000 drummers a year are lost in theatrical stage fog.

“Our study confirms what we already suspected,” said lead researcher Jasper Curtins as he zoomed in closely on a concert reel of a drummer helplessly disappearing into the fog after a slight attempt from the guitarist to wave off a puff of the dense artificial cloud failed. “There are in fact hundreds of talented drummers helplessly lost in the mist every single day. Most concertgoers don’t even realize there are drummers sitting back there until the clouds clear and there is a lonely drum kit with nobody to play it. It’s tragic that the numbers are this high, but we figured spreading awareness is a good place to start.”

Local drummer Steve Fry was glad the statistics were finally made public, saying he’s sick and tired of being sucked into a cloud every time a song calls for an edgy vibe.

“Every show I’ll say ‘Hey guys can we let off? Do we need the fucking fog?’ and the show producer gives me some bull about how he needs the stage to look like a steamy subway platform out of a Stephen King novel. I mean Christ, I’m about to change my profession to wind chimes, ” said Fry. “I try to tell them that every time we fire up the fog machine I’m transported to a netherworld of horrors so immense that I can no longer sleep at night, but nobody seems to care. At this point I feel like I’d have an easier career being a fighter pilot navigating a hurricane at 40,000 feet. I’m tired of this shit.”

Mindy Flitz, a member of the Fire Department’s Drummer Safety Team, weighed in with steps drummers can take to avoid becoming a fog casualty.

“Drummers should be wearing goggles on stage. This can help them keep a clear line of sight once they are taken by a fog cloud. If they feel they are too disoriented in the fog to attempt to walk out themselves, then they should remain seated until the end of the show until a parent, or guardian can escort them to higher ground,” said a deadly serious Flitz. “A vacuum is another tool drummers should keep in their arsenal; vacuuming up the fog around their drum set might give them an extra 5-10 seconds of visibility. After this point, drummers should fire off a flare so we can locate them after whatever song the band is playing ends.”

At press time, Fry was seen setting off an aforementioned flare before being enveloped in a dense cloud during his band’s cover of Phil Collins “In The Air Tonight.”