Guy Somehow Even More Unbearable After Going to Therapy

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

NEW YORK — Local neurotic Lenny Malone discovered a range of new, worse ways to be insufferable after spending months in clinical psychotherapy, according to family, friends, and a steadily growing list of enemies.

“When he took the plunge and sought professional help, we were delighted, we thought he was finally going to work on his litany of issues,” said friend Shawn Bugglar. “Instead he’s co-opted the lingo of that world and become incredibly condescending. Nowadays he has a lot of strong, unsolicited opinions on why the people around him are broken. I have an avoidant attachment style, apparently, and though his parents are still alive and they get on well he’s started calling himself a spiritual orphan. Whenever anyone gets mad at him he says they’re projecting. It’s like, dude, you just crashed my car and threw up in the glove compartment, the only projectile here is your vomit.”

Malone himself reports feeling far more in touch with how profound and interesting he is, and how the world continues to fail him.

“I don’t expect regular people to understand my depth, my trauma, the journey I am on. I’m not going to do the emotional labor of explaining myself. If anything I feel sorry for them,” Malone said while very, very drunk. “I’ve come to understand that well-rounded personalities and so-called ‘happiness’ are just repression, defense mechanisms. They’re not authentic, like me. I try to explain to them how damaged they really are but they won’t listen. They don’t understand. No one understands me.”

Malone’s therapist, meanwhile, thinks he’s making great strides.

“He’s making tremendous progress. We’ve been working hard on his inner child and his grasp of archetypes is coming along nicely,” said Dr. Belinda Carlisle. “Changes in behavior? That misses the point entirely. We’re here to reflect, analyze, and grow. But not too much. It’s all about what’s going on inside, forever. Besides, anyone doubting his life skills need only see the reliability with which he pays my $200 an hour fees. Or maybe it’s his parents who do that, I forget. Anyway, how would you describe your relationship with your father?”

At the time of publication, Malone reportedly diagnosed most of his immediate friends and acquaintances as covert narcissists.

Uh Oh: Your Aunt Is Calling You, Someone’s Definitely Dead

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

Fuck. Why the fuck would your aunt be calling you? Fuck. Someone’s dead. Someone is fucking dead. Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Why else would she be calling right now? What else could it even fucking be? Fucking good news? No. You barely even know this fucking person. Have you ever spoken on the phone with them? Ever? No, actually, have you ever spoken to this person one-on-one in your life? “Hi”, “Merry Christmas”, and “Goodbye” is not enough history for a phone call out of the fucking blue. Seriously, what the fuck is their problem? 

How many goddamn people died that SHE is the one calling you?

What the fuck else could it be? Could it be good news? Obviously fucking not. What possible good news could your aunt even have? “Hey sweetie, just wanted to call and say your uncle bought a kayak. We’re calling everybody for some fucking reason.” You know what, they would. They would do that. They’re the fucking type. Un-fucking-believable.

How do you answer? What the fuck are you supposed to say? “Oh hi? Oh, I sound weird? Hrmm, uh, I guess it might be because I’m in the middle of this fucking panic attack you just fucking caused. Now enough with the niceties and just fucking tell me when the funeral is and who the fuck to make the fucking card about!”

Hold on, was anyone supposed to die? Not really. Your last grandmother died like two years ago. Fucking shit, did someone get in a car accident? House collapsed into a sinkhole? A fucking stroke? A heart attack? Suicide? Jesus fucking christ, why is your family so fucking stupid and unhealthy? Any one of these goddamn assholes could be dead. Fucking hell.

Should you let it go to voicemail? Maybe you’ll be able to hear if they’ve been crying. But what if they don’t leave a voicemail? What if they send some vague bullshit text? What if they keep calling? Oh fuck if she calls twice, somebody SUPER died. Fucking ridiculous. They’re being fucking ridiculous. This isn’t how you treat someone.

Okay, who could it be? Rob looked rough at Christmas…but he always looks rough. Did anyone mention somebody being sick? Why is the family text chain only about what dish they’re bringing to the next holiday?

You can’t answer. You’re emotionally unprepared.

Also, what voice are you supposed to answer with? Casual voice? Solemn voice? Tired voice? About-to-hear-terrible-fucking-news voice? What does that even sound like? Who knows, but you can’t answer all cheerful, like “Heyyyyy!” and then immediately find out that your uncle died under his riding mower. You’d have to downshift so hard. You do not have that kind of range.

Fuck it. Just fucking pick up. Answer it. Come on. Fucking answer it. Let’s fucking go!
“Hi sweetheart! Quick question. Do you still know computers?”

This bitch’s husband better get ready to make some calls, because she’s fucking dead.

Drummer Using Other Band’s Drum Throne Lines It With Toiler Paper

Posted on by Mike Moran

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Jake Stamberg of local metal outfit A Stance Defiant borrowed fellow drummer Michael Fleisher’s drum throne only to line it with carefully placed strips of toilet paper from the venue’s restroom, confirmed sources. 

“I’m not making a statement on anyone else’s hygiene,” said Stamberg of his sanitary precaution. “It’s just my personal preference. It’s either this or squatting, which makes double kick playing very difficult. Besides, who says cleanliness doesn’t belong in metal? From what I understand, the great Dimebag Darrell was known to sanitize his liver daily with an alcohol-based solution, far more potent than anything we use on our hands, called Black Tooth Grin.” 

Though some audience members appeared baffled and even offended by Stamberg’s seemingly excessive health measures, Fleisher responded with a surprising amount of understanding.  

“Well, it’s weird that he would ask to use my throne in the first place, if he’s worried about my cleanliness,” said Fleisher. “But, I suppose metal has enough issues dealing with homophobes, and xenophobes, to worry much about germaphobes. Besides, this a rock, punk, and metal venue, I’m willing to bet the thickness of their bathroom tissue barely even amounts to a single ply.”

Though some may think this kind of hygienic concern flies in the face of the gritty nature of heavy rock and roll, Dr. Beck Jeffrey of the Bayonne Institute says that this type of practice could be a smart move. 

“It’s actually not a bad idea to sanitize any area where bodily fluids could be exchanged,” said Jeffrey. “Contagious diseases, like Staphylococcal infections, Norovirus, and Pinworm, have been known to spread this way. I’ve seen entire live rock music scenes fall to their knees at such outbreaks. And no I’m not saying that because I’m in the pocket of Big Drum Machine. Though, I suppose I should inform them both that merely lining the periphery of a drum throne with three sheets of toilet tissue leaves both your genital and rectal areas exposed, and you’d think those would be the big ones.” 

Dr. Jeffrey went on to explain to both drummers some other practices they can employ to reduce germ-spreading at shows, including wearing plastic gloves when counting the cash they make.

Biohacking? This Punk Only Drinks Eight Ounces of Water a Year

Posted on by Anna Walsh

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local man Shank Capra piqued the interest of doctors and wellness advocates by reaching typically fatal levels of dehydration without any side effects, confirmed sources. 

“Well the water at my house is always browner than beer so I usually just stick to that. The bathroom has been cited by the city as ‘a low grade biohazard’ so I’ve had to cut back on peeing, other than back into beer cans,” local crust punk Capra explained, slugging from an unmarked jug of bright blue liquid. “Last time I had water was about eight months ago when I forced down a glass at my mom’s birthday dinner because the waiter said that was the only thing they would serve me. I don’t know what the fuss is about, because between Monster, liquor, and chocolate milk, I’m drinking almost all the time.”

Mike Stamper, a biologist studying mammal hydration patterns, expressed extreme concern mingled with wonder. 

“It is supposed to be scientifically impossible to be that dehydrated without dying. He’s drinking less water in a year than a mouse needs for a week,” Stamper explained in between quizzical stares at a whiteboard full of notes labeled “Punk Lifespan???” “We’ve been trying to get him in for testing but every time we hand him a waiver he freaks out about ‘government mind control’ and ‘trading his DNA for missle money.’ It’s really unfortunate because he might hold the key to curing any number of diseases, many of which he probably currently has.” 

Aubrey March, Capra’s neighbor, is extremely curious about the potential benefits of the no water diet. 

“I’m currently consuming 50% dirty soda, 50% melted beef tallow with only enough water to choke down my two handfuls of supplements, so it wouldn’t be a big leap to go no water. I’m all about habit stacking biohacking techniques to increase my wellspan,” March relayed while preparing some kind of injectable for her face. “It really makes sense. Our water is completely toxic from the fluoride anyway. I haven’t been to the dentist in years to avoid it, and all I’ve had to do is stop eating all foods that aren’t room temperature.” 

At the time of publication, Capra was seen dumping out a 10 gallon jug of water to use as a drum.

Oh, You Like the Ramones? Name Three Chords

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

So you think you’re a Ramones fan, eh? Well, your hair does look like it was cut with a bowl, and you are wearing a leather biker jacket without a bike. I guess that’s two points in your favor. But wait, how do I know you’re not just cosplaying Fred Durst cosplaying Marlon Brando from Limp Bizkit’s My Way video, and you just have a shitty barber? Nah, dude, you’re going to have to show me more proof than that if you want me to believe you’re really down with “Da Bruddahs.” 

If you’re a Ramones fan, then what’s your favorite thing to sniff? Model glue? Industrial cleaning products? I’m a floorstripper guy myself. What? What do you mean you don’t huff? Pssh, I knew you weren’t a real Ramones fan.

Okay, fine, last chance. If you really like the Ramones, then name three chords. D chord? Heh, I bet you play that one a lot, wink, wink. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with beating on your brat now, and then, you know? It’s perfectly natural to give your pinhead the ol’ blitzkrieg bop. Everyone does it!

Alright, that’s one chord, gimme another one. A5? A power chord, yes! Now we’re getting somewhere! That’s the kind of chord you play on a cheap surf guitar using only downstrokes, a real Ramones chord.

All right, come on, just one more, and you’ll have enough to write a song. What do you mean, there are plenty of two-chord songs? Name one! Eleanor Rigby and Paperback Writer? Whoop-de-freakin’-do! That’s great for a shit band like The Beatles, but we’re talking about the Ramones here, a highly sophisticated musical juggernaut. You can’t compose songs like “I Don’t Want to Walk Around With You,” or “I Don’t Wanna Be Learned / I Don’t Wanna Be Tamed,” with only two chords. Actually, I’m not 100% sure about that last one; I’ll have to Google it later. 

Well, I’m waiting. C-sharp minor 7th? I fucking knew it, you ain’t a Ramones fan! I bet that’s a vegan leather jacket too, isn’t it? Get the hell outta here, ya poser, before I beat your ass with a sawed-off pool cue! And take your minor chords with you!

Man Thrilled To Discover Heroin Cheaper Than His Doctor’s Co-Pay

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

MANTECA, Calif. — Local resident and tractor mechanic Steve Thompson was thrilled to discover a cheaper, yet highly illegal, alternative to his escalating medical costs, confirmed frugal sources.

“I’ve always been a glass half full kind of guy, the type of dude that really focuses on the positive, and because of that, I am positively excited that I am about to get very high right now to alleviate my lower back pain,” explained Thompson as he heated a bent spoon on a park bench outside the city library. “I’ve had medical setbacks over the last few years and honestly, I’m getting sick and tired of my co-pays going up, so I had to find a more affordable solution. And I don’t even need a prescription to get it. Not to mention I sleep really good at night, and the next day – then at night again.”

Broke patients aren’t the only people in town excited for an alternative to an HMO.

“You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you’re a cop,” asked a local heroin dealer who went by the pseudonym “Atomic.” “They call me Atomic because my shits the bomb! So, you looking to buy or what? This stuff’s cheaper than urgent care, bro. I had a guy tell me he had a co-pay go from 30 dollars to 80 dollars! You know what always goes for 30 dollars? My stuff! There isn’t a doctor in this city that can match my prices. While their prices go up, ours stay low, hidden in shadow like the opiate ninja I am.” 

Local physician Brent Goodman was relieved to lose some patients due to overwhelming demand and high costs.“I’m so busy these days that I don’t even have time to go out on my sailboat or fly my airplane anymore,” Goodman stated. “To be honest, I’m so busy, I am glad a bunch of these whiners have stopped coming in. I don’t set the co-pays, why are they complaining to me? Also, it’s much easier that they chose heroin over coming in here with ‘knee pain’ and asking for opiates.”

At press time, Thompson was further thrilled to realize he could swap out his expensive depression medication with the more affordable option of cocaine.

Uber Driver Clarifies Only He’s Allowed To Vomit in Car

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

DALLAS — Local Uber driver Gary Anderson issued a stark clarification that only he is allowed to vomit in his car during rides, confirmed clearly intoxicated sources.

“When you’ve been an Uber driver as long as I have, you can spot which riders are gonna be a problem the moment they pour themselves into your Nissan. So, I tell them: ‘Hey. I’m gonna get you where you’re going. Promise. But if anybody’s gonna be barfing in here on the drive, it’s gonna be me, capisce?’” said Anderson before noting that he used to be more lax about who could and couldn’t vomit in his car, even going so far as to offer clearly drunk riders barf bags. “Of course, I don’t puke on every drive—that would be gross. But sometimes I throw up. That’s my right. It’s my car. If I were in their car, of course, I’d only hurl if I had their blessing. We’ve all got to go along to get along.”

Anderson’s riders were quite perplexed by the unusual protocol.

“Look, I get it, every Uber has rules, but I’d never encountered this one before,” noted an inebriated Samantha Byers while focusing intently on a specific spot in the car with her window down to avoid breaking Anderson’s rule. “I’m sure any driver’s gonna lay down the law to keep their workplace how they like it. But even then, usually, that law limits you to zero vomit in a car, regardless of whose mouth it’s coming out of.”

While Uber’s corporate policies don’t explicitly ban drivers from enforcing the kind of driver-only vomit rule Anderson maintains, they do encourage drivers to keep their vehicles tidy. 

“Every one of our contracted drivers is expected to be respectful to their passengers,” explained Nika Cowalick, Uber’s People Lead. “So, while Mr. Anderson’s rule is odd, his 4.5 star driver rating can’t really be argued with. A number of riders cite his generous ‘burping policy’ in their reviews which, whatever that is—why would he need to outline it?”

At press time, Anderson was seen safely dropping Byers and her friends off, then treating himself to a few dry-heaves before leaving to pick up his next riders.

Opinion: My Ex Is a Narcissist… Unless, Maybe You’re Willing To Try and Give It Another Shot, Baby

Posted on by Mike Moran

We survivor types are a special breed. We have weathered the storm and come out the other side stronger. I extend my understanding and unconditional empathy to any and all who have suffered at the hands of my ex-girlfriend, Janet, who thinks she’s just WAY too good for a decent guy like myself. Which is typical of someone who clearly has narcissistic tendencies….I mean, unless you think maybe we could work things out? 

Not that I care. I’m clearly better off without you anyway. But as a survivor, I try and focus on the positives of a situation like this. It’s probably good for both of us that I have become such an expert in diagnosing mental health conditions in women through minutes of studious internet research, and several drunken crying sessions with my boys, Jim and Trevor. They both agree your cold and calculated behaviors towards me are “total psycho bitch” material. 

Like that time you decided your Mom’s hospital “emergency” was apparently more important than the rap battle I had been spending all week preparing for. You have TWO parents. There’s only one of me. 

She totally lived, by the way. 

Then of course, there was the time you totally chose to break off our relationship and move on, when I didn’t want that. Textbook traits of a malignant narcissist. I’ve read all about it in the DMX-5 medical journal. 

I can definitely do better. 

Though, again, if you’re reading this, Janet, maybe we could get together and talk about things, sweetie? I mean, it’s probably good for my research on your condition, is all. And I’m concerned about your wellbeing. Maybe we could even get you help at this Mayonnaise Clinic I’ve been researching.  

If we set things right, I would even be willing to release a public retraction in response to my daily Facebook posts comparing you to famous narcissist types such as Karla Homolka, Vlad the Impaler, and that mean “Annabel” doll. I’d even be willing to bump you up a few notches to borderline, or even just bipolar. 

Anyway, I care about you, Janet, and only want the best for you. Let me help you help yourself…or (in the event that you don’t respond to this): good! I’m glad you’re finally leaving me alone. Move on! Find someone else’s life to destroy! Christ, I mean it’s been since 1997 anyway.

Boomers Accuse Millennials of Killing JonBenét Ramsey

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WHITE RIVER JUNCTION, Vt. — Baby boomers nationwide are reportedly accusing millennials of killing child beauty pageant star JonBenét Ramsey, sources confirm.

“Those entitled jerks ruin everything, it makes me so dang mad!” shared 68-year-old Wilford Russel. “First they killed napkins, then came the shopping malls — it only makes sense that they’re the ones responsible for killing that precious little girl! All they do is take, take, take and murder, murder, murder! I can’t use dryer sheets anymore because they think they’re above it! Apparently, they want their clothes to be as rough and mean as they are! Now because of them I won’t get to see what that pretty girl ended up looking like as a woman!”

An officer from the 1990 case shared his thoughts on the generation-wide accusation.

“I mean, it’s better than any of the bullshit theories we came up with,” said officer Lewis Muldon. “For one thing, we totally effed up in terms of preserving the scene. We let family members come and go, people traipsed all over the place, and we forgot to take pictures. Then, even though it’s a family member like 80% of the time, we let the family decide what we could see when. At least these boomers have a list of similar priors that millennials have committed. You know what, maybe we should reopen the case.”

Savannah Liberatore, a top sociologist specializing in generational trends, explained her expert take on the situation.

“Baby boomers are always interesting to study,” said Liberatore. “They’re somehow always mad despite spending their entire lives getting all the resources they’ve ever needed, and they’ve decided to turn their irrational anger towards their own children. They’re really the ones responsible for putting in place the economic situations that have caused millennials to forego, or ‘kill,’ things such as formal dress codes and the home ownership industry. So the constant ‘millennials killed this’ narrative from them is a bit rich, to put it mildly. They might be onto something with this one, though, considering it was clearly the millennial brother who did it.”

Reports are that boomers are now looking into how they can somehow blame the Zodiac killings on millennials, too.

Fucking Dweebs: Check Out These Five Presidents Who Obtained Congressional Approval Before Attacking Another Nation

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Doesn’t it feel great to finally have someone with some balls in the White House? The American public should feel honored to be represented by such a salt of the Earth bastion of the working class who doesn’t stand for the bullshit our past presidents putzed around with, like “not engaging in executive overreach”, “comporting oneself with even the barest modicum of human decency”, or “adhering to the War Powers Resolution”. Fuck all that noise. Check out these five heads of state who actually went through Congress before attacking another nation. Fucking dweebs!

  1. Franklin D. Roosevelt

This lily-livered little milquetoast formally requested a declaration of war from Congress the day after Pearl Harbor, and went through the whole rigmarole of signing it only after it had passed both the Senate and the House. What a pussy! You bet your ass we wouldn’t have to worry about that today. Our president would’ve likely already bombed Japan to distract his followers from the fact that he’s a pedophile, as the Good Lord intended.

  1. Woodrow Wilson

Nerd alert! This doctorate-having Poindexter sought two separate declarations of war from Congress against both Germany and Austria-Hungary. Christ, Woodrow! Didn’t you know that you could’ve just sent General Pershing over there to fuck shit up whenever you goddamn well pleased? Why’d you have to be such a little bitch about it?

  1. George W. Bush

While we certainly applaud Bush’s decision to attack a Middle Eastern country for no fucking reason, we can’t help but look down upon his waiting for Congress to approve the Iraq Resolution before doing so. Looks like he wasn’t the alpha male we all took him for. What a shame.

  1. James Madison

We don’t know or care what the fuck the War of 1812 was about, but we’re all for teaching those tea-guzzling weaklings across the pond a lesson or two. Fuck those accents. James Madison apparently agreed, but he saw it fitting to go through Congress first for whatever reason. What a weenie.

  1. Donald Trump

Just kidding! You think this total Chad gave a shit what the House and Senate thought about invading Iran? Hell no! He had his thousands of mentions in the Epstein files to steer the public’s thoughts from, and having his cronies at Fox News obsessively rant against trans athletes just wasn’t cutting the mustard. Rock on, President Trump! You’re doing a bang-up job needlessly murdering people and driving up the cost of everything just because you felt like it, and we’re so proud of you!

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