Local Subway Celebrates 5th Anniversary, 2nd Customer

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ARLINGTON, Texas — Five years after celebrating its grand opening, a Subway sandwich shop saw sales double with the arrival of a record-breaking second customer, sources unaware the store still existed report.

“Before today, our only regular was the guy who works at the smoke shop next door,” said 19-year-old sandwich artist Tyler Lamb, the store’s assistant manager and sole employee on duty. “Having a second customer on our anniversary of all days is wild. I just hope he doesn’t sit down at one of the tables because I haven’t wiped them down since the day I thought the health department was coming.”

The customer in question, community college student Sarah Hartwick, was surprised to learn her visit single-handledly doubled the store’s sales.

“Wait, I’m the second customer? Somebody actually bought and ate a sandwich here once before today?” Hartwick said between bites of a tuna footlong. “I know this place popped up like five years ago, but that number seems high considering there’s a perfectly good Jersey Mike’s across the street. And speaking of high, the kid behind the counter stared at me for five full minutes before even asking me what I wanted. I really just wanted the bathroom code but after the third minute of him staring at me, the mystery tuna looked kind of appetizing. Honestly a pretty decent sandwich all things considered.” 

Subway regional manager Tom Howard says situations like these aren’t unusual because many Subway stores only need a single customer to remain profitable.

“Thanks to all the money Jared spent on sandwiches here before he went to prison, we can afford to keep stores running and even open new ones as long as each location has one loyal customer to keep it afloat,” said Howard. “That actually makes us more profitable than other sandwich chains. Jersey Mike’s sold out to private equity, and Jimmy John’s has their guy hunting elephants because they can’t afford regular sandwich meat, but Subway persists. It doesn’t matter that customers don’t plan on visiting Subway. All it takes is one person to end up in one of our stores and discover our tuna is actually pretty good. And if a second customer shows up and makes the same beautiful discovery? That guarantees the store will be a staple of its community for decades to come.”

At press time, fire marshals shut down the Subway for exceeding capacity after a third customer entered the store.

Quiz: Cannibal Corpse Song Title or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub Search History?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Cannibal Corpse is an awesome death metal band from Buffalo, New York, that made a name for themselves in the nineties with their grotesque song lyrics and album art, while Stephen Miller is perhaps the most obvious sexual sadist who’s ever been appointed White House Deputy Chief of Staff for policy. 

After coming into possession of his most recent Pornhub searches through means that we’re not going to divulge, we thought we’d give our readers a fun quiz, so be sure to sound off in the comments and let us know how you do! Are the following Cannibal Corpse song titles or Stephen Miller’s Pornhub search queries?

  1. “Force Fed Broken Glass”

If your answer was Both, great job! This is both a Cannibal Corpse song title from their stellar 1994 album “The Bleeding” as well as a phrase that our current Homeland Security Advisor  has recently typed chickenpeck-style into Pornhub with his left hand while manipulating himself with his right. Let’s move on to the next one!

  1. “Orgasm Through Torture”

Woof, this one is Both again. We’re starting to think Miller has some deep-seated issues that he might want to address with his therapist.

  1. “Drowning in Viscera”

Both. Jesus, are any of these one or the other? Sorry, we really should’ve vetted our questions before writing the quiz.

  1. “Meat Hook Sodomy”

Goddamnit.

  1. “Covered With Sores”

What the fuck; this one is even from the same album as the last! Is he just copying and pasting their discographies during his jerk sessions, or are these coincidences? Honestly, both are equally fucked, so we guess it doesn’t even matter.

  1. “Bent Backwards and Broken”

Both, as if you even needed us to tell you.

  1. “Submerged in Boiling Flesh”

Fuck Stephen Miller

  1. “Skewered From Ear to Eye”

Both. You know what? You can just listen to Cannibal Corpses and enjoy the music without taking the song titles as a guide to pulling your pud. Just a thought.

  1. “Post Mortal Ejaculation”

Alright, we need to end this because it’s starting to upset our stomachs. This should go without saying, but if you’re ever given a glimpse into Stephen Miller’s masturbatory habits, do yourself a favor and run. Let’s do one more.

  1. “Worm Infested”

Ohmygod! We think this is a Stephen Miller original! Hallelujah! This—oh, wait. “Worm Infested” is the self-titled song off a 2003 EP. We quit.

Guy Wearing T-Shirt With Blazer Probably Some Kind of Cool Creative Genius

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A local man who coupled a T-shirt with a blazer must be an absolute creative genius, according to passersby who marvelled at being in such close proximity to this next-level wonderkid. 

“I’m a man of very few words, and that’s why I let my style do all the talking,” stated 43-year-old Bryce Weathers while checking himself out in a store window. “I don’t have time to stop and talk to every person who wants to meet me, so the best way for me to let them know how much of a visionary I am is to wear something that communicates genius, like a T‑shirt and blazer, long before I even open my mouth. You’d be surprised how many times a day I get mistaken for Jack Dorsey.”

The man’s roommate, Kyle Moore, chimed in with his thoughts on Bryce.

“The guy’s a creative genius all right, if that term means someone who steals other people’s clearly labelled food from the fridge then has a meltdown when you call him on it,” said Moore. “If he were really that brilliant, surely he could come up with a way to wash his dishes or find the time to flush the toilet on occasion after he destroys it. The only creative thing about him are the innovative excuses he comes up with for why he can’t make rent. Not to mention that all his T-shirts are way too tight for him. There’s nothing inventive about showing your middle-aged belly fat to the world.”

A fashion expert explained that some individuals use style as a crutch to mask their mediocrity.  

“For those with no substance, fashion becomes a way to fool others into thinking they’re more important than they are,” explained Sandra Flanagan. “You don’t know how many times I’ve watched uninteresting people try to overcompensate for their emptiness by letting a fashion accessory do all the heavy lifting for their personality. If you’ve ever been at a party when a self-important dweeb walks in sporting a fedora or pork pie hat, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

At press time, the creative genius was seen trying to decide which pair of Converse to pair with his outfit.

“I’m About To Be So Annoying” Announces Person Who Was Already Annoying

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local insufferable man Mitch Roberts announced recently that he was “about to be so annoying,” a sentiment confusing to those around him who already found his presence essentially intolerable, confirmed sources who recently blocked him on Instagram.   

“I can’t believe Harry Styles released a dance album and is doing a residency at Madison Square Garden. 30 days. It’s so amazing. I’m about to be so annoying about this. Wait, I’m literally screaming, it’s tears. I’m literally gagging. This is me if you even care,” Roberts squealed as he flipped his phone to display an AI-generated meme and scrolled past dozens of texts he’d sent to his friends that had gone unanswered. “Lowkirkenuinely, I’m like so sorry. Talking to me must be so brain rot. It’s giving irritating.”

On-and-off friend Taylor Jones had a difficult time associated with Roberts at times. 

“I can literally only hang out with him in one-hour increments. He’ll ask me to come over and he will just sit on his phone and talk about pop culture references,” said Jones ignoring eight straight texts from Roberts. “Genuinely, I don’t think he has a personality. I don’t understand how someone can be online as much as he is. We are all in our 20s. We all have jobs. How is your personal phone screen time nine hours when you have a full-time job? He makes good matchas though, so the friendship isn’t a total waste of time.” 

Despite the devotion of fans like Roberts, even singer Harry Styles finds them incredibly fucking infuriating. 

“Honestly, these bitches are fucking insufferable, but getting them to pay top dollar for nosebleeds at Madison Square Garden is like taking candy from a baby that won’t stop crying during a flight,” said Styles. “Wait, is this on the record? Delete that. Delete that shit right now. My fans can find out where you live in 30 seconds flat. It’s so exasperating.”

At press time, Roberts was found asking friends if they’re mad at him despite not even knowing that his friends had been mad at him for days.

My Life is Just Like ‘Euphoria’ Except for All the Sex, Drugs, and Friends

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’ve heard of people getting their identities stolen, but what I just experienced takes it to a whole other level. It was another Saturday night when I was watching the HBO show Euphoria alone at home, like I always do, when I realized that what was depicted on screen was basically my entire friggin’ life. Not counting all that sex, drugs, and general camaraderie between characters, of course. 

I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but when presented with irrefutable evidence about the network co-opting my life, there’s no other conclusion I can make. Did they have a TV executive follow me around for the past decade, documenting all my movements, or have they been Truman-Showing me without my knowledge after installing hidden cameras everywhere? Because that’s the feeling I’m really getting watching this show, by myself in my basement apartment like every other night of the year, pounding back bottles of Monster Energy, because everyone else sucks.

Sydney Sweeney, who plays Cassie Howard, looks and acts exactly like a girl I was hot and heavy with back in college. Her name was Polly, and she was the spitting image of this character, and more importantly, she had the same insatiable sex drive. At least she did when I fantasized about her in algebra class, as I was too chicken shit to ever approach her.

Then there’s Zendaya’s character, Rue, fighting her way through horrible addictions to opioids, fentanyl, and coke, which feels oddly familiar to my own history with substances that I can’t seem to control, like my compulsion for Red Bull, Rockstar, G Fuel, Ghost, Gorilla Mind, Bang, and the aforementioned Monster. 

If that wasn’t bad enough, now I’m watching The Pitt, and yup, all my concerns were just validated because yet another HBO program is stealing from my life! It’s so plainly obvious that Noah Wyle’s Dr. Rabinavitch was based on me. Sure, I may not be as handsome or as medically informed, but I have logged an absurd number of hours in the ER thanks to chronic nosebleeds from all those tasty energy drinks.

Visionary Photographer Tells Band to Look as Bored as Possible

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

LOS ANGELES — A visionary photographer told the band Murder Muffin to look as bored as possible during a photo shoot for an album cover, sources confirmed.

“I told Murder Muffin to get on board with my vision or I’ll take my art somewhere more deserving,” said Dean Chapman, legendary music photographer. “I need everyone looking bored. Look off in the distance and disassociate, like you’re walking out of an airplane bathroom you just nuked. Be bored and you’ll look bored. Not high-bored. Not too-cool-for-this bored. I need bored-bored. Ever see an album cover or a show poster where each member of the band is dressed differently and looks vaguely disappointed about it so they look away from the camera? Of course you haven’t, but you will after today. Start getting bored right now or I’ll tell you about the dream I had last night or show you the AI art I made or have you smell my candle collection. I have fucking thousands of candles.”

The members of Murder Muffin did their best to live up to Chapman’s vision.

“We respect the artistic process. We do method stuff, too, like how we rented out a rehearsal space that’s haunted by the time the Red Hot Chili Peppers played there. I think the end result will be worth it. No one has ever shot a band like this, where everyone just sort of stands there like they’re waiting for their order at Chik-fil-A,” said Vix Rockwater, rhythm triangle player for Murder Muffin. “This is our way of paying homage to the bands that influence us, like Sonic Youth, The Strokes, and Babes in Toyland. The difference is they only looked bored. We’re doing the real thing, and in another 17 hours, I think we’ll have it.”

Scott Stapp, vocalist for the multi-platinum rock band Creed, cautioned Murder Muffin about taking the artistic process too far.

“We brought in a visionary photographer for the ‘Weathered’ album cover, too. That’s the album where all the band members’ faces are baked into the side of a tree. You’ll never guess how we got our faces into that tree, and you really won’t guess how we got them out of there,” Stapp said. “I’d tell Murder Muffin the same thing I told Turnstile and Viagra Boys: can Creed open for you? We’re looking to get back to it now that ‘One Last Breath’ is a meme.”

As of press time, Murder Muffin’s label opted to use an “even more visionary” solid black square for the album cover instead.

Gunshot Awakens Donald Trump at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Posted on by Dan Katz

WASHINGTON — Stunned onlookers at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are still reeling after a gunshot awakened President Donald Trump from a peaceful nap on the dais. 

“I was just feet away from the shooter when he roused the President from his slumber,” recalled a clearly shaken Wolf Blitzer. “I will never forget the terror of seeing Mr. Trump go from a state of adorable slumber to droopy-eyed, half-conscious apathy. He probably thought the Oval Office press conference was over.”

At press time, a delirious Trump was whispering, ”Nap! Nap!” with his fist half raised in the air in a safe room at an undisclosed location.

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Doctors Recommend Disappointingly Low Number of Lunch Beers

Posted on by Shane Pauker

SEATTLE — The World Health Organization formally recommended people only consume a disappointingly low number of beers at lunch, citing longitudinal studies, historical recordkeeping, and new data.

“I can’t believe I have to say this, but the typical, recommended number of lunch beers is zero. Two sips tops,” warned hepatologist Dr. Andrew-Bob Coalinga of Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center. “Even beyond liver damage and cancer risk, the social fallout of becoming a lunch beer guy has been linked to psychological damage, worsening from your 20s through 60s before plateauing. I advise all my patients to abstain from beer at lunch in all scenarios, unless maybe it’s a sunny Friday and you don’t have that much work to do and cracking open one or two would really hit the spot.” 

The suggestion is already ruining lunch for beer enthusiasts nationwide.

“I’ve always considered myself a reasonably healthy person, so this comes as a shock,” admitted frequent lunch beer consumer Margaret Lott. “I figured that moderation would be enough: I only eat red meat twice per meal. I only let myself have cigarettes while I’m on the treadmill. I already cut IPAs out of my lunch rotation! But if even if four light beers in the lunch box is too much, what’s left? Only having my PB&Js with Bloody Marys and mimosas?”

Lunch beer specialists, however, maintain their support for its consumption.

“Luncheon ales are the only thing that can keep the morale of this nation up,” preached self-described beerologist and University of Washington Sigma Chi President Gavin DeChambeau. “They’re lowkirkuenly good for you on all fronts. First, let’s look at mental health. Every psych major I’ve let into a party says self-medication is key. Load progressively — breakfast, lunch, and dinner in equal small parts. Next, physical health. Americans already have startling foam deficiencies in their diet; a nice, shittily poured head helps bridge that gap. Finally, spiritual health. How can you and your brothers build a shrine to anything without huge reserves of Natty Ice cans to build it out of? Lunch beers are three for three.”

At press time, the WHO recommended that if you or a loved one needs to safely dispose of any existing lunch beers, store them in a buddy’s fridge until the next Dodgers game is on TV.

Top 5 National Parks My Company Can Destroy To Build an AI Data Center

Posted on by Finn Kobler

I’ve been to all 15 National Parks in the US, 3 in Tajikistan, and a Busch Gardens high on shrooms. Safe to say, I know the majesty of nature when I see it. But my criteria for what constitutes the best piece of land have changed since I’ve gotten older. While I used to prioritize natural beauty, expansive hiking trails, and remoteness so my wife couldn’t call to berate me about spending our rent money on PJ Harvey Funko Pops, things have changed since I got a new job. My work as an AI Ethics Officer at Harold Benis, LLC has reshaped how I see the world. Now I don’t just appreciate Lake Clark for its scenic waters and ability to kill people from Alaska. I see its potential to hold compute clusters for high-speed chatbots. With that in mind, here are the top 5 National Parks my company wants to tear down to build AI Data Centers!

HAWAI’I VOLCANOES:

The last time I went to Mauna Loa, I heard an ‘io hawk chirp gently over amber magma, I felt the salt breeze in my hair, and I dreamt of a big cube absorbing code right in the middle of it all. Plus, with the recent island floods, our hyperscaler’s use of 3 million gallons of water per day could dry the whole community back up!

YELLOWSTONE:

Speaking of H2O, think about how much prettier the Steamboat Geyser waters would be cooling down a high-density GPU that’s just been prompted to write Naruto-pegging-Hamish-Linklater yaoi fanfiction.

JOSHUA TREE:

This gem of San Bernardino County generally attracts campers who are socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Now, it can expand its demo to include socially technofascist, biospherically barren.

BRYCE CANYON:

I asked 12 different men named Bryce about getting rid of this canyon, and not one of them gave a shit. Plus, the “ Amphitheater” is totally false advertising. I tried screening my child’s middle school production of Seussical Jr. at Paunsaugunt Plateau, but the cider cones made the images super choppy…unlike our Diffusion model, which trains on billions of image-text pairs to create consistent 4K PNGs.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT:

While it’s spellbinding to see prairie dogs, mule deer, and bison up close, the name of this steppe is too problematic to ignore. It’s time to reclaim this land from a controversial president who, according to our company’s LLM, ate Monica Lewinsky.

Anthropologists Discover Uncontacted Metal Subgenre

Posted on by Charles Bill

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Leading musical anthropologists announced that they have discovered a previously uncontacted metal genre, confirmed sources.

“I was exploring through Sweden, trying to find where those gummy fish come from,” said anthropologist Dr. Erin Weir. “As I’m wandering through the deep woods, I hear some tasty licks, the kind of tasty licks I’ve never heard before. I pushed through the underbrush and found my way to a clearing where a tribe of Swedish youths were playing an entirely new type of metal. I asked them what they called it, and they told me they were Brungo. Thus, I dub this Brungo metal. I get to name it because they made me eat surströmming, so I earned it. Brungo metal is defined by slow chord progression, heavy emphasis on bass, and the drummer shitting himself at the end of each set.”

Weir went on to explain that not only was this a new genre of metal, but it was developed completely independently by Brungo.

“Ja, we make the metal ourselves,” said guitarist and lead screamer, Erik Knutsen. “When we were kids we only had Jimmy Buffet records because our parents were big parrot heads. From there we started experimenting and got to Brungo’s signature sound. Your musicologists tell us it is metal, but we just say it’s Brungo! It is natural musical reaction of seeing your father eaten by a bear, and your mother carried off by a flock of hawks. This is a traditional childhood for the Swedes.”

According to musical historians, this is one in a long line of discovered metal subgenres.

“This really reminds me of when power metal was discovered in a basement in Dayton in 1979,” said Rick Jones, professor of musicology at the University of Phoenix. “An individual reported a strange smell emanating from his neighbor’s house, and the police went to do a wellness check. They found six smelly teenagers who had been spending days figuring out how to play guitar faster and faster. And to this day, it is one of our most popular and cheesiest genres.”

At press time, Brungo was booked at sold out shows in Finland, Hamburg, and the festival from “Midsommar.”