Well Fuck Me Then! Friend of a Friend Introduces Himself Like We Didn’t Already Drunkenly Meet at a Party Nine Years Ago

Posted on by Kyle Donley

So apparently Mike’s friend Clay doesn’t seem to know about Mike’s friend me, and I don’t know, maybe it’s a small thing, but WHAT THE FUCK!? Is this guy serious? Aren’t we Facebook friends or something? I almost hugged this fucking guy, thank god he said something first!

Does Mike not talk about me to his friends from Ithaca? Should he? I can’t really imagine why he would, but now I’m angry. Like, oh, now I’m the “weird guy who can’t stop thinking about Mike’s friends”. No dude, you’re clearly Mike’s friend Clay! I know this because you’re the only person I’ve ever met named Clay. I also know that you like BMX bike stuff and that you had a really hot girlfriend who I used to Facebook stalk a little bit, which means we are almost definitely friends on Facebook. 

Those are all the things I know about Mike’s friend Clay. It’s not a creepy amount of stuff to know about him; it’s a normal amount, a courteous amount for friends of friends. He’s all trying to shake my hand like, “Nice to meet you, dude,” without even attempting the “I feel like we must’ve met at some point” routine that is certainly customary in this scenario. But I guess to Clay, 2017 never happened. Poor guy, he must have no idea about the #MeToo movement or Blade Runner 2049. Surely he suffered some 2017-specific brain injury or maybe some amnesia that only affects his memory of Mike’s former co-workers. 

I went to Taco Bell with this motherfucker! 

I hate Clay now. He’s my enemy. It’s honestly super weird that he doesn’t remember me because I know for a fact that I got embarrassingly drunk the night we met, and everyone was talking about it. In fact, we were asked to leave the Taco Bell because of me! I threw up, it was freaking hilarious. Like, ok, fine, maybe you don’t remember my “name” but you could at least have the decency to say, “Hey, weren’t you that guy who barfed on the counter at Taco Bell, that was hilarious!” or something along those lines. 

Fucking Clay… It’s funny, now that he’s introduced himself, he’s never felt more like a stranger. 

Second Lemmy Added to Mount Rushmore of Bassists

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — In a controversial but, according to organizers, “inevitable” decision, the International Bassist Council (IBC) confirmed Tuesday that a second likeness of Motörhead’s Lemmy Kilmister will been added to the Mount Rushmore of Bassists, joining the first Lemmy and Primus’ bassist/frontman Les Claypool, sources within the IBC confirmed.

“Look, we tried to do this the right way. We put Lemmy up first, obviously, no debate,” said IBC spokesperson Harold Vance, standing in front of a statue of the Motörhead bassist that stands in the IBC offices. “Then we added Claypool. But after that, we really struggled on who should be added next. We had council meetings and held votes but we just couldn’t come up with another name worthy of the honor. At a certain point, we realized the only fair thing to do was to add Lemmy again. I’m not going to lie, a lot of this has to do with getting non-bass fans interested in the instrument so you have to choose names people are familiar with. We already had to add Flea, despite his problematic ties to The Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

The decision has drawn backlash from members of the bass community, many of whom feel certain bassists had been overlooked.

“It’s ridiculous! There are so many incredible bass players out there. Innovators. Technicians,” said local bassist Trent Alvarez, who, sadly, has been playing the instrument for 18 years. “I mean, what about Geezer Butler? Or John Paul Jones? Or, or, or fuckin’, Carol Kaye?! Geddy Lee crushed it in Rush and he didn’t need a 40 piece kit to do it. Bassists are the artery of the band, without us nothing flows. Maybe this bass organization would like to have a word with the legend Bootsy Collins! This is all politics man.”

Experts say the situation reflects a deeper, long-standing issue within music history.

“Bassists have always been at the mercy of narrative control. The most famous ones like Paul McCartney and Sting actively try to make you forget they played bass,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, Professor of Bass History at UC Berkeley. “Guitarists dominate the discourse, and over time they’ve rewritten history to minimize the role of bass entirely. What you’re seeing here isn’t favoritism, it is history being written by the winner.”

At press time, the IBC confirmed that discussions are underway to finalize the fourth face, with early proposals including “Young Lemmy,” Spinal Taps’ Derek Smalls and Paul Rudd in that scene in “I Love You, Man.”

Tom Hanks Reveals His Character in ‘Saving Private Ryan’ Was Also a 13-Year-Old Who Had Wished To Be Big

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Actor Tom Hanks revealed that his character Captain John Miller in 1998 epic war film “Saving Private Ryan” was actually a 13-year-old who had wished to be big, much like his character Josh Baskin in 1988’s “Big,” surprised sources report.

“Few people know this about John Miller, but his origin story is that he is indeed an adolescent trapped in a grown man’s body,” Hanks noted. “He had been bullied by some older teenagers at a carnival near his house before wishing he was bigger on a Zoltar fortune telling machine. Unfortunately for Miller, however, is the fact that this happens in 1943, so he’s promptly conscripted into the United States Army and sent to France to take part in the Normandy invasion. I did my best to convey Miller’s background in my performance as he braves the German onslaught on Omaha beach before embarking on his mission to rescue Private James Ryan, but perhaps I could’ve done a better job if this wasn’t clear to the audience.”

Movie fan Ramon Andrade was taken aback by the news.

“Oh wow, I’m a huge fan of ‘Big’ and ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ but I didn’t know both movies were so similar,” Andrade reacted. “I guess it’s kind of hard to tell what Miller’s origin story is when he’s getting shot at and narrowly avoiding stepping on land mines. I know there’s a whole subplot of the other rangers trying to figure out his hometown, so I suppose that’s an allusion to the fact that there’s more to his backstory than one would assume. Now I can’t wait to rewatch each of them so I can pick up on all the subtleties that I missed before.”

Cinema expert Megha Bhandari expounded upon Hanks’ filmography.

“Not many people know this, but all Tom Hanks movies take place in the same cinematic universe,” Bhandari revealed. “For example, his character in ‘Castaway’ had spent some time in his youth as a child’s cowboy action figure, and his Conductor character in ‘The Polar Express’ is actually Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger. It’s certainly easy to overlook these, but I encourage all Tom Hanks fans to rewatch his movies to see how many of these connections they can pick up on their own.”

At press time, Hanks had also revealed that John Miller had had a love affair with a mermaid before he was drafted overseas.

Weird: This Person Who Listed Their Political Affiliation as ‘Moderate’ on Dating App Seems To Love Donald Trump

Posted on by Charles Bill

Sometimes things are not what they seem. A blessing might be a curse, a horse might be a donkey, and a person I met on a dating app who listed their political affiliation as “moderate” is really into Donald Trump.

The date was going just fine, we were discussing our favorite Peter Jackson movies, and we were shocked both of us said the Desolation of Smaug. We ordered our food, and he commented on how the waitress had purple hair. I thought he was just showing off that he notices things, but it seemed to really upset him. 

We sipped on our cocktails and he kept talking about how hilarious Trump was, which I thought was odd for a moderate, because normally they don’t have opinions on anything. As the chicken wings came to the table he declared that ‘Iran really did have it coming.’ Whatever, a little weird, but I stuck around because he told me his penis was ‘bigly’.

‘Both sides are bad,’ he said. I assumed he was talking about his cole slaw and his mac and cheese, but he elaborated to say that the stuff Joe Biden did was just as bad, if not worse, than Trump’s actions. I asked which of Trump’s policies he didn’t agree with, and he deflected by showing me how much hot sauce he could eat at once. 

As our date progressed, so did the praise for our president. I mentioned how gas prices are killing me and he gave me a three-minute, seemingly pre-rehearsed, speech about how it is a short-term loss for a long term gain. I tried to order dessert and he told me that the Dow is over 50,000, which it isn’t even.

I kept waiting for his moderate positions to come out, like being apathetic and aloof, but he instead dropped ketchup over himself and blamed it on the Obama administration.

He insisted on paying for the check because he claimed he was a “high-value man,” but his credit card bounced and I took care of it.

All in all, it was an ok, if confusing date. He is the first man I’ve met on Grindr who wanted to repeal gay marriage, so that was interesting.

Girl Boss Hires Girl Thugs to Beat Up Girl Union

Posted on by Stephen Bell

TRENTON, N.J. — Members of the newly formed girl union at the Girl Power company report being subjected to vicious union busting techniques and beatings at the direction of their girl boss, state several sources. 

“These girls need to learn to lean into their work, and lean away from unions,” said girl boss Amanda Clark during her biweekly TED talk. “We here at Girl Power know that girls need to support each other, but not like with a union. I’m talking about words of affirmation or like splitting a bottle of wine, but also believing the complaints these girls have, except the complaints about vicious beatings at the hands of my armed thugs. Because those are complete fabrications.” 

One girl thug was proud to talk about their role in busting up the newly formed girl union.

“I was so happy I was finally able to use my best friend and horse Caritz to smash into their picket line,” said paid thug and horse girl Bailey Simmons. “My daddy taught me that union dues are money that could be going to Jesus so it’s my god-given duty to be a strike breaker. I’m so happy I could also use my horse Caritz to bust up those striking hags because he’s finally useful for something besides being my only friend and lover.”

The girl union president Ariel Ortiz was quick to condemn the actions of the girl boss and her thugs.

“Initially I was happy to have a female CEO at Girl Power, but that optimism quickly faded,” stated Ortiz, attending to her horse-inflicted wounds. “The price of girl dinner has gone up by 200% due to inflation, scented candle prices are through the roof, and to top it all off things aren’t going well for a character in my fantasy fairy porn novel, so let’s just say I’m really going through it right now. But instead of showing some girl solidarity and increasing our wages Amanda decides to send a bunch of pink uniformed Pinkertons after us. I’ve been in other unions before and it turns out the beatings don’t hurt less if the person holding the club is male, female, or somewhere in between.”

At press time, it was announced that the girl boss was cutting paid family leave on the grounds that “no one would want to impregnate you fugly bitches anyway.” 

Humiliated Man Wipes His Ass With Toilet Paper Like a Woman After Running Out of Dude Wipes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

RICHMOND, Va. — Local man Bryce Carrick found himself humiliated after running out of Dude Wipes and being forced to wipe his ass with toilet paper like a woman, sources report. 

“This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me,” Carrick wailed. “I pride myself in being a true man, which is why I always keep a pack of Dude Wipes at the ready for when it comes time to drop a deuce. I never want to use toilet paper to wipe my south-mouth, so when I saw that my pack was empty, I knew I had royally fucked up. Also, I had already pinched off the loaf, so it’s not like I could just suck it back up and run to the store to replenish my supply. I just had to swallow my pride and use some of my girlfriend’s Charmin. I’m so ashamed.”

Carrick’s friend Geoff Burke was shocked and disgusted at his bro’s transgression.

“Bryce did what?” Burke exclaimed. “I never in a million years would’ve thought he’d pull such a bitch move after dropping a log. Doesn’t he know that men need to use Dude Wipes because Cottonelle is for women? I just can’t believe he would do something like this not just to himself, but to me. It’s like he took a swipe at the hole of each of his dudes with that weak-ass toilet paper. He better not try to look me in the eye and act like nothing is wrong the next time he sees me, because as far as I’m concerned, Bryce Carrick is dead to me.”

Gordon Stillwater, an expert on bro culture, provided his expertise on the situation.

“It is a serious breach of bro culture for a guy to engage in a sanitary habit that’s not specifically catered to men,” Stillwater reported. “Frankly, I’m shocked that this individual debased himself so much as to use regular toilet paper. If he were a true bro, he would have postponed the wiping and ventured out to purchase more Dude Wipes with a dirty asshole. The only acceptable form toilet paper for men is Dude Wipes, leaves, and tree bark.”

At press time, Carrick was further humiliated when he ran out of Manly Loads and had to use regular laundry detergent like a woman.

King Charles Says Trump Is “Like My Brother to Me”

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — During a speech to Congress this afternoon, intended to emphasize and strengthen the bond between the U.S. and the U.K. despite the currently polarizing political climate, King Charles described President Trump as “Like my brother to me,” sources confirmed. 

“I don’t just mean like ‘a’ brother to me,” clarified the British monarch, “I mean he is literally just like my actual brother, former prince Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. They like the same sorts of things, they have the same sort of friends, the same general disposition, honestly, it’s quite uncanny. They even look a bit alike, at least in some of the polaroids I’ve seen of them together, er, letting their hair down, so to speak. And, like my brother, I am proud to say, I consider President Trump to be family first, and an enormous liability to me second.”

At press time, the President was practicing saying “I’m not a rapist” the way someone who never raped anyone might and could not be reached for comment. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

We Ranked Every Dream Theater Album Chronologically Because We Didn’t Want To Listen to Their Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Dream Theater is a progressive metal band from Boston whose albums we have been told to rank, and let us tell you, we sure as shit are not going to listen to all 16 of them. Huh uh. Not gonna happen. Here’s a chronological ranking of their discography so we can technically say we did the job that was assigned to us. Sorry if you were expecting something different. 

  1. “When Dream and Day Unite” – 1989

Coming in at Number 1 is their debut. What more can we say about this album other than the fact that it’s the first one they released, and therefore fully deserving of the top spot in our ranking?

  1. “Images and Words” – 1992

This one has “Pull Me Under”, which might honestly be the only Dream Theater song we’ve ever listened to. That should count for something, right? We believe it should, so it gets the silver medal!

  1. “Awake” – 1994

Jesus, that cover art looks like a high school Algebra textbook or some bullshit. There’s no way this band has actual fans.

  1. “Falling Into Infinity” – 1997

Dream Theater’s fourth album, chronologically, is the only one to feature keyboardist Derek Sherinian, according to Wikipedia. Do you find that interesting? Neither do we. Ugh, we have like 12 more of these to go.

  1. “Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory” – 1999

Just typing that album title pissed us off. Do us a favor and complain in the comments that we should write more about punk, and hopefully our editors will notice.

  1. “Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence” – 2002

Whoa, did they know it was their sixth album when they named it that? This is honestly the least uninterested we’ve been since we started the article.

  1. “Train of Thought” – 2003

Let us know if you’ve heard this one and it had long, wanky instrumental interludes that put you to sleep, not that we give a shit. Would’ve served you right for listening to them in the first place.

  1. “Octavarium” – 2005

Seriously, what’s with Dream Theater and the high school math textbook-ass album art? What’s their record label, McDougal Littell?

  1. “Systematic Chaos” – 2007

Now that’s a Megadeth-sounding title if we’ve ever heard one. God, we wish we had been assigned a “Rust in Peace” album review or something.

  1. “Black Clouds and Silver Linings” – 2009

We’d look up the meanings of these covers if we cared, but we couldn’t be less interested in what an elephant standing on a stack of books in space is symbolism for.

  1. “A Dramatic Turn of Events” – 2011

Only five more to go after this, thank Christ.

  1. “Dream Theater” – 2013

Sooooo edgy for them to finally have a self-titled 12 albums in, right? We bet they patted themselves on the back with a lengthy, over-produced keyboard solo.

  1. “The Astonishing” – 2016

Oh, fuck all the way off with that title.

  1. “Distance Over Time” – 2018

That’s actually kind of a cool album cover, or maybe our dispositions are just starting to brighten knowing we’re almost finished with this goddamn list.

  1. “A View From the Top of the World” – 2021

Coming in at Number 15 is this album whose title we’re not even going to bother to type out again because we’re so checked out!

  1. “Parasomnia” – 2025

You know what? We’re actually going to listen to this to celebrate the end of the article. It probably sucks so—you know what? This isn’t that bad. Fuck. Maybe we should go back and rank these albums for real. Sorry we’ve been so negative this whole time.

RFK Jr. Has Jeans Permanently Fused to Body

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that his favorite pair of blue jeans that he’s always seen wearing has been permanently fused to his body, according to nearby sources who couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

“What better way to make sure I never miss an event than by always being ready with my favorite pair of Levi’s surgically attached to my body,” Kennedy strained to say. “The wonderful doctors and nurses at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center spent 12 hours surgically attaching my 501s to my vaccine‑free body. This will drastically cut down on the time it takes to get dressed each day, so I can get out of the house quicker and get to important business like going for more methylene blue, visiting the farm to drink unpasteurized milk straight from a cow’s udder, or getting a quick swim in at the toxic creek.”

A man walking his dog offered his opinion on the politician jogging past him.

“Whoa, is that guy okay?” said 30-year-old Dirk Debruski. “It’s an absolutely sweltering 90 degrees out here, and this guy’s working out in skin-tight jeans? The fact that he’s shoeless and shirtless doesn’t make it any better. Is he doing some kind of social experiment to see how people react to a psychopath? I’m an army vet who’s been in the shit in the worst war zones all around the world, but I’ve never been more frightened than I am now.”

Political pundit Pavel Drury says politicians often do crazy things in order to stay in the news cycle.

“Though definitely peculiar, what RFK Jr. is doing isn’t that out of the ordinary when politicians are concerned,” explained Drury. “People drawn to careers in the public sector are not like the rest of us. While having a denim exoskeleton bonded to your body would raise some serious alarm bells if a normy did it, for many politicians whose singular drive in life is attention, this barely registers as unusual. Mike Johnson, for instance, is rumored to have a chastity belt permanently covering his groin, with the only two people holding the key being his pastor and his son.”

At press time, the Health Secretary admitted that he wasn’t sure how he would go to the bathroom since the jeans were affixed to him without a zipper or butt flap.

Local Subway Celebrates 5th Anniversary, 2nd Customer

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

ARLINGTON, Texas — Five years after celebrating its grand opening, a Subway sandwich shop saw sales double with the arrival of a record-breaking second customer, sources unaware the store still existed report.

“Before today, our only regular was the guy who works at the smoke shop next door,” said 19-year-old sandwich artist Tyler Lamb, the store’s assistant manager and sole employee on duty. “Having a second customer on our anniversary of all days is wild. I just hope he doesn’t sit down at one of the tables because I haven’t wiped them down since the day I thought the health department was coming.”

The customer in question, community college student Sarah Hartwick, was surprised to learn her visit single-handledly doubled the store’s sales.

“Wait, I’m the second customer? Somebody actually bought and ate a sandwich here once before today?” Hartwick said between bites of a tuna footlong. “I know this place popped up like five years ago, but that number seems high considering there’s a perfectly good Jersey Mike’s across the street. And speaking of high, the kid behind the counter stared at me for five full minutes before even asking me what I wanted. I really just wanted the bathroom code but after the third minute of him staring at me, the mystery tuna looked kind of appetizing. Honestly a pretty decent sandwich all things considered.” 

Subway regional manager Tom Howard says situations like these aren’t unusual because many Subway stores only need a single customer to remain profitable.

“Thanks to all the money Jared spent on sandwiches here before he went to prison, we can afford to keep stores running and even open new ones as long as each location has one loyal customer to keep it afloat,” said Howard. “That actually makes us more profitable than other sandwich chains. Jersey Mike’s sold out to private equity, and Jimmy John’s has their guy hunting elephants because they can’t afford regular sandwich meat, but Subway persists. It doesn’t matter that customers don’t plan on visiting Subway. All it takes is one person to end up in one of our stores and discover our tuna is actually pretty good. And if a second customer shows up and makes the same beautiful discovery? That guarantees the store will be a staple of its community for decades to come.”

At press time, fire marshals shut down the Subway for exceeding capacity after a third customer entered the store.