Punk House Microwave Needs To Be Preheated

Posted on by Rob Ryder

PORTLAND, Ore. — The Black Hole House of Portland reportedly contains a microwave which needs to be preheated, according to concerned yet surprisingly apathetic visitors.

“The microwave has definitely seen some things, like aluminum foil, and even though it takes a bit to get going, it’ll eventually warm up whatever you put in it,” said Doug Glenn, occasional resident and primary cook at the Black Hole. “If you put a frozen burrito in there for one minute you might as well just eat it frozen. You have to run it at least 10 minutes before it really kicks in. When the top of the microwave gets warm to the touch, it should be good for a burrito. When the cord is hot to the touch, it should be good to handle a pot pie. You’ll know your food is done when you see smoke emitting from the back vent.”

Landlady Gina Avery is well aware of the issues with the microwave despite the fact that residents don’t seem to mind the inconvenience.

“I’ve thrown that god damn thing out twice and they keep digging it out of the dumpster,” said Avery while buying 30 rolls of duct tape at Home Depot. “I thought maybe I’d just smash the whole thing to bits next time I’m there, but I’m sure they’d find some way to DIY the parts back together and probably blow up themselves and the whole neighborhood. Honestly, the whole property is going to hell so maybe a small to medium kitchen fire would actually help me start over with the place.”

Punk electrician Jack Harting says small appliances are just one of his specialities and thinks he could keep the microwave running for at least another decade.

“The key to small appliance repair is to make sure you use a good power strip, that way the fires are contained and usually don’t spread to the whole house,” said Harting while jamming a screwdriver into a still running tube amp. “I recommend swiping one from work with 12-gauge wire and at least 20 feet of length, that way it can provide power to the microwave, toaster oven, fridge and maybe some Christmas lights, depending on the time of year, of course.”

At press time, Glenn was boiling a Cup-O-Noodles on top of the microwave while Harting made Hot Pockets inside it.

An Actual Living Hell: You’re Walking at a Slightly Similar Pace as the Person in Front of You

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

Oh, Christ, not this again. You’re out on a walk through the park by your house, and you’re sort of gaining on the person in front of you. 

Oh no, oh fuck. You’re walking at a slightly similar pace, but also just a little bit faster, and the gap is closing, but closing at an excruciatingly slow rate. This means in order to really pass her, you’re going to have to really pick it up and almost be power walking or, oh my god, jog? Do you just start jogging even though you haven’t been jogging? Then you’ll pass her and have to cascade down into a walk again? What is that? What would that even be? 

If she has headphones on, you might startle her because she won’t realize you’re coming up on her left, oh Jesus. You can’t handle that right now. 

It’s 78 degrees outside and sunny, you’re out to get your 10,000 steps a day, your watch told you to stand up, and this is what happens, oh boy, it’s coming. 

This is a nightmare. You’re walking at a pace where pretty soon you’ll be right next to her and it’ll be like you decided to walk together. 

Oh come on, how can she not know you’re coming? Does she have no spatial awareness? Cough! That’s it, COUGH. Oh, great. Now you’re choking. Now you’re choking on your own spit, and you are right up on her ass. Now you’re going to startle her, and she’ll think you’re sick. Now she’s going to be afraid she’s sick. What if one of her family members is in the hospital, and this little walk is all she has to do to get through the hell that is every day on this god damn planet? 

Ok, phew. She’s breaking off down the other path. That was a relief. You can enjoy your walk now. Keep listening to your podcast about World War I – oh no. No, no, no, what is this old guy doing? Why does he have a walker out here, oh fuck, oh god, oh jeez… 

Report: ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ Sucks Too Hard To Worry About How Problematic It Is

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — While classic rock band Aerosmith’s hit 1987 single “Dude Looks Like a Lady” has not aged well, it ultimately sucks too hard to worry about its problematic nature, sources confirmed.

“The world has certainly evolved past the point at which writing a song with this subject matter would be acceptable,” reported correspondent Tasha Barton. “However, it’s been unanimously agreed that the song just eats so much shit, so any argument about its supposed merits versus the offensive nature of its lyrics would just be a waste of everybody’s time. Debates over problematic music should be restricted to bands that possess actual artistic value, so while conversations are worth being had about, for example, homophobia in Beastie Boys’ ‘License to Ill’ or the Bad Brains’ ‘Don’t Blow Bubbles,’ we don’t need to talk about some stupid fucking Aerosmith song that just annoys the piss out of everyone who hears it.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler was happy about the news.

“For once, I’m excited to hear about how much people think our music sucks,” Tyler admitted. “Usually, it’s a downer to constantly hear how it’s ‘obnoxious bullshit’ or ‘boring-ass dad rock that makes Seals & Crofts sound exciting by comparison,’ but if this new determination on one of our biggest songs means we don’t get canceled, I’m all for it. We’re still getting some pretty hefty paychecks from the endless radio play, so it would really suck for that spigot to suddenly turn off. I’ll keep ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady’ off the setlist for our inevitable reunion tour.”

Music expert Tori Stillwater thinks this approach can apply to many classic rock songs.

“Sure, a lot of songs we’ve heard ad nauseam are problematic, but are they worth getting in a tizzy over?” Stillwater opined. “We all know that ‘Christine Sixteen’ by KISS is creepy and gross, and ‘Jailbait’ by Ted Nugent is about as awful and disgusting as one would expect it to be after having looked at him, but these songs just straight-up suck too hard to give a fuck. It’s actually refreshing to come across a shitty, problematic classic rock song that isn’t about statutory rape, so I actually give kudos to Aerosmith for that.”

At press time, it was reported that “Love in an Elevator” sucks too hard to be repulsed by the thought of Tyler performing cunnilingus.

Trump Fires Eric as Son

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Speaking with reporters on Air Force One this morning, President Donald Trump confirmed rumors that he did indeed fire longtime son Eric Trump. 

“We let Eric go, yes, it’s true,” said a reserved, uncharacteristically calm Trump. “Eric’s a terrific guy, we wish him all the best finding a dad in the private sector, but at the end of the day, he just couldn’t deliver. Plus, someone showed me one of those Eric Trump/McPoyle memes from ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ and I have to say, not a good look for us. Not hot. Trump needs a hot son, everyone knows that. Nick Fuentes will be my new son for now while we go through candidates and sort some stuff out. Eric, all the best.”  

Trump family insiders have so far supported the president’s decision 100 percent.

“Dad, I mean, er, the President, needs sons that can get results; he’s made that abundantly clear,” said an audibly shaken Barron Trump in a phone interview. “Eric’s a pretty good son, but hey, in this family, you have to be the best if you want to keep your seat at the table. What if Da… I mean, Mr. Trump had a heart attack tomorrow? Don Trump Jr. would be next in line, which would make Eric the vice president? I love the guy, but he’s not ready for that. Maybe him and Tiffany can start a band or an MLM or something, they’ll be fine.” 

When reached for comment, the former Trump son, though notably upset, seemed optimistic. 

“I mean, at the end of the day, if it’s not a good fit, it’s not a good fit. I’ve been fielding a lot of authors. Just this morning, I sat on Elon Musk’s lap for 10 minutes, and he seemed pretty into it, so there’s that. I’m sure I’ll land on my feet. Hell, I’m Eric T… Eric. I’m… Eric.” 

At press time, Nick Fuentes was having a nap time after an hours long goon session. 

How Can I be Racist if Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” is on My Playlist?

Posted on by Klem Trenton

My ex-girlfriend keeps calling me racist because I support ICE, wear a MAGA hat, and have a low tolerance for foods with any sort of flavor. But my question to her is this: How can I be a racist when “Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin is on my playlist?

Immigrant Song tells the story of people leaving their homelands and settling into new lands, only they do it the right way — by being 10th-century Viking warlords. 

Don’t get me wrong. I know immigrants are coming to this country with one goal in mind: to rape and pillage everything in sight. That’s why I’m against MOST immigration. But if you come to this great nation to rape and pillage AND you’re wearing a cool hat with horns? Brother, now you’ve got my attention. 

What we need to do is build a wall to prevent most illegals from getting in. I say “most” because a wall could never stop a bearded alpha-male from leaping over it with his hammer of the gods and well-oiled abs. I’ll gladly welcome any immigrant with an aspirational physique who appeals to my latent homoerotic tendencies. Wait, what were we talking about?

Anyway, I’m definitely not a racist. Sure, I don’t like people who have a different skin color from me, but I love many different cultures; Norwegian, Swedish, Danish…heck, I’d even welcome an Irishman to this country as long as he was a hard worker and could rock out to some Zeppelin. 

Basically, I love immigrants, especially those from the land of ice and cold, from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow. In fact, we should extend a forceful invitation to the people of Greenland, and perhaps Canada, to join our great country. We could even make it easier for them to immigrate here by taking their land and claiming it as part of the United States. THAT’S how much I love immigration. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Google and confirm that Greenland and Canada are pretty much made up of white people. 

Skateboarding Dog Loses Job to AI Video of Skateboarding Dog

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

VENTURA, Cali. — In what experts are calling the first confirmed case of canine technological displacement, viral skateboarding dog Brutus the Bulldog Beefcake reportedly lost all of his sponsorship deals after an AI-generated video of a skateboarding dog went viral on TikTok earlier this week, local skatepark goers report.

“This is what everyone was warned about. Brutus has been riding a customized longboard along the Ventura boardwalk to the delight of tourists and internet viewers since 2020,” said Brutus’s owner, Mark Delaney, staring at a now-canceled Venmo payment from Mellow Mutt, a CBD dog treat company. “First it was graphic designers. Then it was copywriters. Now it’s skateboarding dogs. AI is taking everyone’s jobs. Brutus spent years learning to push off with his back paw, and now some loser in the midwest can type ‘dog does sick kickflip in space’ and it gets a million views and a Landyachtz sponsorship.”

AI “artist” and creator of the @NeuroPup_Official account Dylan Krauss disagrees.

“Look, the market decides what it wants and right now it wants hyper-realistic AI clips of a digitally rendered golden retriever landing 900-degree spins over flaming ramps,” said Krauss, gesturing toward a laptop covered in stickers reading “DISRUPT EVERYTHING.” “AI dogs can do things real dogs just can’t, skateboard-wise. Like Godzilla Flip over a Tesla while Elon Musk breakdances in the background. I just made one of a German Shepherd grinding a rail made of lightning. I did that in like three minutes. It’s efficient. It doesn’t get distracted by seagulls or stop to pee mid-shoot.”

According to Professor Naomi Stevens, Chair of New Media Studies at Cal Tech, Brutus’ unemployment represents a broader cultural shift.

“AI is not just replacing labor, it is replacing plausibility. Everyone just assumes anything they see on Reddit now is AI anyway, so they don’t want to see mundane practicality,” Stevens explained. “Memes used to be grounded in something real, like a displeased cat or a dog who could kind of skateboard. Now the algorithm rewards spectacle. The more impossible the trick, the more engagement. Authenticity is no longer competitive.”

At press time, Delaney had Brutus surrendered to the local SPCA because there is no point in having a dog if they can’t trend on TikTok or bring in a six-figure brand deal.

Trump Calls for Boycotting Every Springsteen Song Except the One That Goes “Hey Little Girl Is Your Daddy Home?”

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — President Trump urged his MAGA base to boycott Bruce Springsteen’s entire music catalog except for “I’m on Fire” in a Truth Social post early this morning. 

“Bruce Springsteen, who looks like a DRIED UP PRUNE, has only produced ONE good song in his life. It was a favorite of my friend Jeffery and holds a special place in my heart, but everything else he’s done STINKS!” said the President. “Maybe if the ‘Boss’ had written more songs about hot young American women with daddy issues, he could have performed at Maralago, but instead he decided to contract TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME and completely TANK his career. Thank you for your attention to this matter – President DJT.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly adding “I’m on Fire” to a playlist including Chuck Berry’s “Sweet Little Sixteen,” Ted Nugent’s “Jailbait,” and, for some reason, Luciano Pavarotti’s version of “Ave Maria”. 

This is a breaking story, and we’ll have more as it develops. 

Modern Day Robin Hood? Kalshi Is Giving War Profiteering Back to the Little Guy

Posted on by Finn Kobler

Finally! Some justice for the working class! I’ll admit, I had my doubts about sports betting site Kalshi after I lost $3000 in my Hawk-Tuah-Coin-Pump-And-Dump-Scandal-Same-Day-As-Jeff-Probst-Rapping-About-The-Applebees-Bourbon-Burger-On-Survivor-48 Parlay last year, but they more than made up for it when they announced we could begin placing wagers on the Iranian war. Now, me and all my fellow Scooter’s Jungle employees can make some dough on this violent geopolitical conflict.

The biggest issue with earning revenue from children dying has always been how inaccessible it is. Plumbers, teachers, improv coaches…these careers have historically been gatekept from financially benefiting from the bombing of hospitals. But Kalshi, as Marx dreamed, is transferring blood money out of bourgeois control and into the noble, calloused hands of craftsmen. 

It’s like if Robin Hood’s Merry Men utilized Amazon Web Services for cloud-native infrastructure to sidestep lawsuits on war crimes. Or if John Henry believed in an Apartheid-like seizure of other countries. My ex-girlfriend Chelsea said there’s a cruel irony to that second one, but I don’t know why. Scorpios, am I right?

Bob Dylan once sang: ‘Come you masters of war/You that build the big guns/You that build the death planes…’ but his voice sounded like shit, so I turned it off and put on Korn instead. If the blockades last long enough, I’ll even have enough cash to buy a signed lyric sheet from them on Autographia! That way, when my daughter Hortha (named after her maternal grandmother Bertha and paternal grandfather Horace) grows up, she’ll think “Daddy prayed every night that western imperialists would annihilate the Strait of Hormuz so I could see what Brian Welch’s signature looked like. And here it is! He even did the little backwards R—like the band!”

So-Called Eric Clapton Fan Safely Protected Against Measles and Rubella

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BRISTOL, Conn. — Rodney Carlson, supposed fan of English rock and blues guitarist-turned-anti-vaxxer Eric Clapton, showed himself to be fully inoculated against numerous diseases including measles and rubella, disgusted sources report.

“I’ve been a huge fan of Eric Clapton since I first heard ‘Layla’ by Derek and the Dominos as a kid, which was way before vaccines were even invented,” said Carlson. “I’ve heard that he’s been in the news in recent years for having some controversial opinions about science, which I don’t really share because I’m vaccinated myself, but I don’t really pay attention to all that stuff, you know? There’s a lot of turmoil and unrest in society these days, so I like to turn to music as an escape from all that stuff. Besides, I don’t look to Clapton for his medical advice. I look to him for his stance on immigration.”

Fellow fan Jeremy Kondle was enraged by the news.

“This guy has been fully protected against catching measles and rubella, and he has the fucking nerve to call himself a Clapton fan?” Kondle spat. “Who does he think he is? Everyone knows vaccines cause all sorts of issues that doctors don’t want to tell us about because they’re profiting off them. Didn’t he heed the warnings that Eric Clapton gave us? He has absolutely no business listening to that music. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m starting to feel feverish, and I’ve noticed this rash on my face that’s spreading down to my neck, so I’m going to lie down for a while.”

Clapton couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“This guy claims to be a fan of mine, and he’s vaccinated?” Clapton gasped. “Doesn’t he know that everything we’ve been led to believe about vaccines is actually propaganda? Hasn’t he heard my horror stories about how the COVID-19 vaccine caused my hands and feet to briefly go numb? Is he not aware of how dangerous it is to undergo all these jabs? The measles and rubella should both just be a part of growing up. There’s no reason to subject ourselves to the experimentation of the woke murderers who distribute these death syringes. I hereby denounce his fandom and that of anyone else who’s protected against these or any other preventable diseases.”

At press time, Carlson revealed that he’s also a big Van Morrison fan.

Aging Millennial’s Finger Mustache Tattoo Goes Gray 

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SEATTLE — A 35-year-old millennial with the once ubiquitous finger mustache tattoo noticed that her ink stache is graying right along with her head hair, confirmed sources in complete denial.

“I couldn’t believe it at first,” shared April Tiemstra while also checking her Harry Potter tattoo just in case. “I thought maybe it was just fading, so I tried to use lotion. But no amount of moisturizing was changing the fact that there were distinctive gray, wiry hairs appearing in my finger stache. Just For Men didn’t do anything either. My head hair just started really going gray and thinning this year, but I never knew tattoos were at risk of female pattern graying and baldness. I swear a few of the ink hairs fell off the other day. I can only handle so much at once.”

Arianna Sharma, a local tattoo artist, shared their own experiences with uniquely aging skin art.

“You know, adults were always warning us about how poorly tattoos would age,” said Sharma. “Especially when I became a tattoo artist. But I just thought they meant they would fade or become problematic in light of evolving societal ideals. I didn’t think they meant SpongeBob tats would get angry 11s and pinup girls would spontaneously grow ink chin hairs. I didn’t train for this.”

An expert in Tattoo Sciences, an emerging discipline, discussed strategies they’re employing to combat the issue of geriatric millennial tattoos.

“Millennial cringe tattoos are aging in completely unique and never-before-seen ways,” said Juliana Hughes. “I even saw a Jack Skellington tattoo going bald, and he doesn’t even have hair follicles. So we’ve had to be extremely revolutionary in our approach to tattoo care. We’re completely thinking outside of the box. Got a Miss Piggy tat with fine lines and wrinkles? We’ve developed Tattox. Got a Calvin tattoo that’s losing its hair? Tattoupes. We are meeting the moment.”

At press time, researchers on the front lines learned that millennials’ infinity symbol tattoos have started telling people the precise date they will die.