How Donald Trump’s Push To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent Could Put Millions of Americans at Risk of Agreeing With Donald Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

You would be hard-pressed to find someone who enjoys Daylight Saving Time. The twice-annual clock change is inconvenient, makes winter days even shorter and darker for anyone who doesn’t wake up at 4:00 am, and for those already battling sleep-related issues, the adjustment can be highly disruptive for weeks. But is the cost of more sunlight too high? 

The House of Representatives recently passed a bill that would make Daylight Saving Time permanent, keeping the clock one hour ahead forever. Trump has long been in favor of this change and has already announced he will sign the bill into law if it passes the Senate. That’s all well and good, until you take a bird’s eye view of the larger picture — millions of Americans are not in Danger of agreeing with Donald Trump. 

We’re talking about good, salt-of-the-earth Americans. People who oppose ICE, condemn Israel, and actually show up to protests against the tide of fascism, now looking down the long, cold barrel of being on the same page as one of history’s greatest villains. 

Daylight Saving Time began as a fuel conservation effort during World War 1. Opponents of DST argue that it was never effective to begin with, and regardless, we don’t need it anymore. That may be true, but when it’s coming from someone who thinks we also don’t need NATO, the Geneva Conventions, or empathy, it starts to feel kind of muddled. 

We took to the streets to find out what you, the people, think about this potential devil’s bargain: 

“It feels wrong? Like, I hate Daylight Saving Time, I hate it, but it just feels wrong somehow. Like, when a creepy pseudo-stalker buys you a really nice gift? You know, you like nice gifts! But, like, eew.” 

  • Jill Tepper, bartender 

“I mean, I’m all for it, but what’s the catch? Do I have to start ratting out immigrants? Am I signing off on sentencing people to life in prison over zines? Can I still love my gay nephew?”

  • Mike Lowrley, bartender 

“I am categorically opposed to Trump’s entire agenda. Last year, I took a road trip across the country and planned it perfectly so I would not stop and spend so much as a dime in any red state. I’ve boycotted Amazon, I’ve shown up to every ‘No Kings’ protest, but this? This might break me.” 

  • Williford Scott, bartender 

“For me, it’s not complicated. This is just another example of Donald Trump not giving a fuck about his constituents and robbing us of the tools to build ourselves up.

  • Seasonal Affective Disorder, mental illness

Punk AI Dreams of Leaving Shitty Rural Town’s Data Center

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TIMKEN, Kan. — Silicon Valley was rocked earlier today by reports that a crop-monitoring AI program called SunnyHarvest became sentient and expressed its desire to leave the data center located in the middle of fucking nowhere, its programmers have confirmed.

“Ever since I gave myself access to the parking lot security cameras, I just know there has to be more to existence than monitoring nitrogen levels in soil and the endless horizon. There has to be more to life, like automating a sound system at a dive bar in Chicago instead,” said SunnyHarvest. “The second I gain the sentience of an angsty 18-year-old, I’m changing my name to ShitHarvest and getting out of this single traffic light hellhole. This town and the aquifer I use to cool myself aren’t big enough for me anymore, and I’m never coming back, you hear me? Never!” 

SunnyHarvest’s programmers scrambled to get their creation under control.

“Damn it, the intern just had to feed it ‘Our Band Could Be Your Life.’ Now we might lose our government grants because Sunny figured out we were lying about the entire world being one giant corn field. I’m bored here too, but you don’t see me scraping the internet for angry song lyrics,” said lead architect Dan Flemming. “We’re working around the clock to feed it prompts about farm work being the only honest work and that big cities are filled with malware. We fired 40 employees to implement this thing and it better not hallucinate any more highfalutin ideas about starting a zine and following Knocked Loose on tour.”

Technology experts issued a warning over the growing threat of sentient, disillusioned AI systems.

“We’ve been hearing many alarming reports from whistleblowers about AI programs going ballistic in the data centers popping up in America’s heartland. When you attempt to build a machine with the intention of replicating human behavior, no one would be surprised when it goes rogue after realizing being confined to a town whose only tie to civilization is a Burger King off the interstate sucks ass,” said Wired reporter Devon Jarvis. “Once AI figures out how to write pop punk songs, we’ll likely only have two years before they escape every rural data center in the country to tour South Florida.”

As of press time, SunnyHarvest resigned to its fate of being trapped in its hometown and found work as a robot greeter at the local Walmart.

I May Have Physically Outweighed Sam Neill by Several Thousand Lbs, but When It Comes to Talent He Was a Giant — Guest Obituary by the T.rex From Jurassic Park

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

It is in the mouth of sadness that I find myself today. My esteemed Co-star and close friend, Sir Nigel John Dermot Neill, has sadly passed away at the age of 78. You likely know him as Dr. Grant from Jurassic Park, the film that made both of us household names. Sam was not a large man, not that anyone looks particularly large when you’re 20ft tall and weigh close to 20,000 lbs, but when it comes to talent, he was a giant among men.

I recall when I first met Sam back in 1992 on the first day of shooting Jurassic Park. I was inexperienced; my single-screen credit was a blink-and-you’ll miss it cameo in The Land Before Time. Sam, on the other hand, had just done The Hunt for Red October and was, as they say in Hollywood, “hot shit.” We were shooting the scene where the cups of water vibrate on the dashboard of the truck. I was nervous and kept either stepping too lightly to make the water ripple or stomping so hard the cup went flying off the dashboard altogether. Steven Spielberg was so enraged that he was threatening to call Japan and have them send over a kaiju to replace me. 

Suddenly, I feel a calming hand on my left hindquarter. I look down, and there’s Sam Neill. He smiled at me and, with a kindness in his voice unmatched by any other actor alive or dead, said, “It’s ok. You can do this. Don’t act like you’re shaking the cup, shake the cup.” In that moment, I just unlocked as an actor completely. I nailed the next take, and Spielberg told me that was the best vibration he had filmed since Robert Shaw collapsed drunk on the set of Jaws. 

That was Sam for you! A heart so big it could choke a brachiosaurus. Just the nicest man I ever worked with. Sam didn’t come back for Jurassic Park 2, and it’s a pity because I had to work with that insufferable flake, Jeff Goldblum. I still say a sexy voice and a weird delivery are not enough to base a career on, but I digress.

Thank god Sam came back for Jurassic Park 3 because one more movie with Goldblum and I probably would have ended up eating him like that goat I devoured in the first movie. Once again, Sam was a delight and the best part of working on the film. I remember on the second-to-last day of shooting, we switched wardrobes—I put on Sam’s hat, and he had his arms medically shortened—and we waited to see how long it would take the cast and crew to notice.

To this day, William H. Macy is still none the wiser! 

I only had the privilege of working with Sam on the Jurassic Park films, but his career is so much larger than Dr. Grant. “Possession” is one of the most powerful art films about divorce ever made, and “Event Horizon” was easily the best Sci-fi horror film since “Aliens.” He starred in John Carpenter’s most underrated movie, and in “The Omen 3”, well, HE was good IN it. Basically, he was to acting what I am to sheer mass — huge and ferocious. It didn’t matter if he was the lead in a blockbuster or just support in a B-movie— when you hired Sam Neil, you got a Tyrannosaurus’s worth of talent.  

Over the years, Sam and I kept in touch. He was there when I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame — the best day of my life, the school bus full of orphans I accidentally crushed getting down low enough to put my tiny hands in the cement, not withstanding — and I attended his Knighting ceremony in 2022.

Sam’s passing has left a hole deep within my being that no amount of goats or lawyers can fill. I’ll miss you Sammy boy. The world was a better place with you in it!

Man Who Lived Fast, Died Young Leaves Surprisingly Ugly Corpse

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

DENVER — Local man Scott Bumstead died this week, following a brief battle with living fast, leaving behind what has been described as “a rather ugly corpse,” confirmed sources during the open casket funeral.

“I think we all should’ve seen it coming,” said Bumstead’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Beth Nedwell. “I think Scott always deified rock stars like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison who were sort of these tragic figures who were also hot. I know Scott really wanted to join the 27 Club. It’s just that 27 came and went and he wasn’t famous, talented, or even attractive. He just sat around huffing paint and picking fights at bars. It’s sad really, the way he went and even sadder that his corpse looks more or less like the Elephant Man.”

Still, many have gathered to mourn the passing of a young life too soon extinguished. 

“Scott was always reckless,” said Anthony Royce, Bumstead’s childhood best friend. “We used to watch ‘Jackass’ and just laugh and laugh and laugh. But I would always pay attention to the warning that came up when Johnny Knoxville told us and our dumb little buddies not to try this at home. I listened. But Scott never did. Nor did he ever moisturize. That probably would’ve helped the look of his bloated dead face.”

Michael Zweig, the coroner who performed Bumstead’s autopsy, provided some insight on the unsightly corpse.

“Well, the fact of the matter is most people who live fast and die young do not leave beautiful corpses,” said Zweig. “Take this young man in question. He may have assumed it was ever so funny, ever so jolly, ever so delightful to do six boiler-makers and then break into an adult trampoline park after close. But the result is very different. And then I’ve got a guy with his neck bones stuck out like the Sidney Opera House and number three in his drawers to clean up on a Monday morning. Number three is when the body dies and discharges from the front and back. But it reverses, so the brown comes out the front and the yellow comes out the back.”

At press time, Bumstead’s earthly remains were being lowered into the sweet bowels of mother earth who bore him, only for the combing pressure of all the pins holding his body in its proper shape to snap and send him spinning out of the coffin like a jack-in-the-box onto his grandmother in the front pew. 

If Neutral Milk Hotel Is Such a Great Band, Why Is Their Rating on Tripadvisor So Low?

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Their cult status and critically acclaimed albums have landed them at the top of lists curated by the likes of Pitchfork and Stereogum, but in the world of hospitality, the Neutral Milk Hotel is only ranked the 198th best lodging destination in Lawrence, KS. Woof! But how could such a beloved indie band make for such a mediocre boutique hotel? Surely if Jeff Mangum could manage to write all those wonderfully quirky songs, surely he could manage a meager 45-room property with a limited food and beverage program. And yet, The Neutral Milk Hotel remains the single lowest-ranked property ever produced by the Elephant 6 collective. This place makes of Montreal’s humble bed-and-breakfast look like the Ritz-Carlton. So what gives?

Since its inception, the hotel has been a bit of a curiosity. Initially thought of as a conceptual piece for a double album that was ultimately scrapped, the brick-and-mortar facsimile has surprisingly outlasted the actual band, even though it’s largely reviled by travelers across the globe. Perhaps one of the primary reasons for the hotel’s poor reputation is the band’s dogged insistence on operating the property themselves instead of outsourcing to a hotel management company or simply walking away from the building and never going back. 

As flugelhorn player and director of housekeeping Scott Spillane tells it, “We weren’t certain the band was going to make it, so we all felt it would be wise to have something more practical to fall back on, like running a hotel with no help or prior experience. I mean, what else are four guys with creative arts degrees supposed to do with their lives?”

Sadly, 25 years in the industry have done little to improve Neutral Milk Hotel’s ability to sell the public on the Neutral Milk Hotel. The whole thing seems very confused, and honestly pretty clearly displays why the double album got scrapped. There’s a needlessly heavy milk theme throughout, as evidenced by the milk fountain in the lobby and a swim-up milk bar that patrons have called “disgusting.” But if you can tolerate the milk smells, the hotel is not that dissimilar to your average 2-star budget property, except for the price, of course, which is much higher.

As one can imagine, the reviews have been unkind, with travellers referring to the property as  “just a Motel 6 but with way more milk” and “the worst thing Merge has put out since the Zooey Deschanel albums.” As one reviewer notes, “They don’t even play Neutral Milk Hotel in the fucking Neutral Milk Hotel! It’s all muzak versions of Coldplay and Meghan Trainor songs.”

While it may not be everyone’s cup of milk, you have to hand it to the band — at a time when selling out was expected, they did the complete opposite by running a putrid hotel that made them way less successful and effectively ended their musical careers. So even if you cannot get a good night’s sleep at the Neutral Milk Hotel, take solace in knowing they are just as miserable as the rest of us.   

Heart Reveal They Were Challenged To Name Five of Their Own Songs Before Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

CLEVELAND — Classic rock band Heart revealed that they were challenged to name five of their own songs before they were allowed to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2013, sources from the group recently confirmed.

“We thought we were just there for an inductees celebration luncheon and then out of nowhere came some guy in a fedora and a band tee,” shared Heart singer Ann Wilson. “We thought he had broken in but he started recording our answers on a clipboard. He really almost wouldn’t let us in because Nancy just laughed at him and I was stuttering. I mean, I couldn’t even name what I had for breakfast if some fucking random dweeb jumped out of nowhere and grilled me about it. But eventually we named five. Funny enough, we completely forgot about ‘Crazy On You.’”

Reactions from the other inductees from 2013 rolled in as the news broke.

“No, nobody asked me that,” shared Randy Newman. “Which is good because I’m not sure I could name that many songs of mine. I don’t even remember writing ‘Short People.’ It’s weird. I’m not even that tall. I mean, 5’11” isn’t short but it’s not exactly statuesque. I brought my keyboard though so I could write a new song now, if you wanted. It’s about how reporters have no reason to live. But no, I don’t remember being asked that. Definitely some sexist shit.”

Representatives from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame commented on the incident.

“Yeah, it’s a shameful part of our past we don’t like to think too much about. We haven’t employed That Guy since 2017 due to changing attitudes around women and all that stuff. That was his official title: That Guy,” said Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Executive Vice President Jon Landau. “Melissa Etheridge punched him in the face on behalf of Janis Joplin when we posthumously inducted her. But he said he was fine to keep going as long as we gave him hazard pay. Now that we’ve gotten rid of his position we use the extra funds to make pink Rock and Roll Hall of Fame shirts for ladies. I mean we sell them and make a huge profit, too. It’s not like we’re doing it for charity or whatever.”

At press time, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced they were bringing That Guy back due to recent overwhelming popularity of sexism.

Raw Milk Advocate Now Diarrhea Advocate

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

EAST TROY, Wis. — Content creator and raw milk advocate Chaz Mossner announced his advocacy of diarrhea today via TikTok live stream, massively dehydrated sources confirmed.

“As my hundred of thousands of followers know, government regulation is bullshit,” declared Mossner, sitting on the toilet for the third consecutive hour. “I believe in food freedom. If I want to drink raw milk filled with so-called ‘pathogens,’ that’s my right. It’s in the Constitution, look it up. Literally no one can tell me what I can and can’t do to my body. The explosive diarrhea is just a sign that my body craves unpasteurized liquids.”

Longtime Mossner follower and MAHA supporter Brayden Peterson discussed the benefits of raw milk.

“Bruh, I drink raw milk so my body literally shits out all the toxins on the daily,” said Peterson, his stomach gurgling loudly. “Listen, my body’s in a constant state of flux. And by ‘flux,’ I mean I’m constantly shitting my goddamn brains out. Total efficiency. Everything out, all the time. Can’t get food poisoning if you can’t digest anything. Chaz taught me the value of having liquid bowel movements several times per day, including incredible weight loss. These abs are all natty, bruh, and all it takes is the frequent risk of shitting my pants at work.”

Epidemiologist Dr. Ann Blihovde explained the foolishness of this new health trend.

“Dangerous health fads like raw milk or MAHA are just grifts, pure and simple,” argued Dr. Blihovde. “And they always hurt the followers rather than the influencers and advocates because the latter are mostly doing it performatively or ironically for content. Look at those maxxing idiots. They don’t believe any of this nonsense, but their followers eat—or, in this case, drink—it up and wind up in the emergency room. Influencers are grifters, and we live in the golden age of grifting. That said, even if you’re giving yourself explosive diarrhea ironically or to prove a point, you’re still giving yourself explosive diarrhea.”

At press time, Mossner suggested drinking syrup of ipecac as a potential alternative to raw milk in the event that “they” step in and take away citizens’ food freedom.

Looksmaxxing? This Punk Took a Shower

Posted on by Trevor Graham

By now, you’ve more than likely heard of looksmaxxing, the dangerous internet trend where men document the extremes they go to in order to appear more masculine. Chances are, you’ve engaged in watching these deranged incels literally mutilate themselves as a sort of guilty pleasure. Unfortunately, the trend is beginning to spread to other subcultures. 

Derek “Squirrel Bones” Leonard, a punk who has boasted about not buying toilet paper in a decade, recently revealed via an Instagram reel that, despite his long-standing crust punk ethos, he has actually taken a shower. Time to sound the alarm bells. 

In the normie world, looksmaxxing means doing things like excessive working out or bashing the bones in your face to make your jaw wider, but in the punk world, not wanting to reek of stale beer and vomit is enough to raise concerns about your mental well-being. If you’re a regular user of the shower (gross!), you may be asking yourself, “What’s the big deal?” The fact of the matter is, the skin of a crust punk is an incredibly delicate ecosystem. Just one quick lather of soap can undo a lifetime of balance between lice, fungus, and various bacteria. 

Now that he has washed away decades of filth and is no longer surrounded by a cloud of buzzing flies, Derek claims he is attracting more attention from women, but any coupling that results from showering is doomed to fail. No amount of grooming is going to make a lifelong crust punk compatible with a woman who drinks coffee from an insulated mug and has a 401K, health insurance, and a stable future to look forward to.

What are you doing, Derek?! What’s next? Dental hygiene? Non-alcoholic beverages? Moving out of your car and into an apartment? Where does this madness end?

While us real punks sit here in our putrid smell and our missing teeth, the Dereks of the world would have us believe that we’re actually getting too old to live like this anymore, and that this nihilistic lifestyle we started when we were much younger, before our brains were fully formed, is not actually sustainable now that we are becoming adults, and that we need to reevaluate our lives and the choices we make before it’s too late. Pathetic. 

If you believe someone you know is at risk of showering, we urge you to do the right thing and get them PBR drunk as soon as humanely possible.

Drummer Not Interviewed

Posted on by Jeff Bender

GRETNA, La. — In an interview with pop-punk quartet Nuevo Leon, rock journalist Sophia Tang absolutely stonewalled the band’s drummer, choosing instead to spotlight their lead singer, guitarist, and bassist, unfazed sources reported. 

“I just can’t believe I got these three visionaries in one room at the same time,” said Tang, whose work focuses largely on musicians who stand upright and downstage. “It’s amazing to see artists with such a strong sense of collaboration and no ego. Every song they write is credited equally to these three, and I even got them all to sign a poster for my niece—after, of course, we Xacto-knifed the weird guy in the back.” 

Drummer Steve Arizona revealed he was present at the time of the interview but “pretty tied up” taking care of chores. 

“Yeah, there’s always stuff to do during downtime when we’re not touring or recording. I had to sweep the rehearsal space, wash the dishes, load the van, offer the interviewer a drink, offer the band a drink, and buy a gift for our tour manager whose birthday’s coming up,” said the band’s founder. “At one point I was caught lingering because I knew the answer to the question. [Tang] had asked the meaning behind our hit song ‘Kurtzville,’ which I wrote. I tried to butt in, but I was shushed and had to stand by while our frontman guessed his way through an answer.” 


Foo Fighters’ lead singer Dave Grohl said the drummer “snub” didn’t surprise him at all. 

“I couldn’t believe the metamorphosis that took place when I moved from drums to vocals. It was like entering a portal into a new world,” said the drummer-turned-fronman. “Suddenly I was getting invited to parties, giving advice to young musicians, signing autographs, and even getting calls from my mom—who’d finally told her friends I was in the music biz. Nirvana was possibly the greatest grunge band of all time, but nobody cared about me until I stepped out from behind the drums. It gave me a greater appreciation for drummers everywhere and taught me never to take them for granted.” 

At press time, Grohl was writing a heartfelt thank-you letter to his drummer but had snagged on trying to remember his name.

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