Nation’s Bosses Announce Plans To Call You on Teams the Second You Sit Down To Take a Shit

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DETROIT — The nation’s bosses have announced their plan to call you on collaboration platform Microsoft Teams the second you sit down on the toilet to take a shit, aggravated sources report.

“It was our collective decision to wait until you’ve sat on the toilet to call you out of the blue regarding non-pressing work matters,” said spokesperson for the National Bosses Alliance Tony Camarda. “We may even choose to call you at the exact moment that you’ve shot off a log, thus preventing you from being able to easily rush back to your desk. Of course, we will refrain from preceding our calls with a courteous ‘hey, can I call you really quick?’ message, because we like to keep you in a constant state of general unease with the knowledge that we could reach out at any time. For too long, the restroom has been a source of succor from the rigors of our late-capitalist hellscape, and this initiative will end that.”

You were irritated by the Alliance’s decision, but were unable to attend the meeting due to stomach issues.

“Ugh, typical,” you muttered as you polished off a bag of Party Size Blue Heat Takis. “My job is way too stressful as it is, and the 10 minutes I get to sneak off to the bathroom and move some units is the only thing getting me through each day. I figured the only thing that could make my job any worse is being forced to do it with an unwiped asshole, and unfortunately it looks like that’s what was decided today. I really hope I can make it to the next meeting to raise my objections.”

Organizational psychologist Katya Burke commented on the move by the nation’s bosses.

“I honestly don’t know what they were accomplishing with that decision,” Burke noted. “It’s common knowledge in virtually every workplace that bosses have a knack for calling as soon as we start pinching off a loaf. I understand that the stresses of work life affect those we report to as well, but it wouldn’t hurt for them to just wait until we return to our desks to call with their inane requests. The world is bad enough as it is, so please just let us shit in peace.”

At press time, the nation’s bosses had also announced their plans to walk past your cubicle the second you start looking at your phone.

Career Tip: You Can Just Say You’re an Actor on CBS’s ‘Marshals’ and No One Will Know

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

“I have a three-episode romance arc coming up with Stephanie this season,” I tell my aunt at our Mother’s Day gathering. “You’re going to love it.”

“Oh, we LOVE the Marshals. We’ve seen every episode, you’re fantastic,” she lies. No one has seen CBS’s Marshals, which is exactly why I’m telling everyone I’m an actor on that show.

You can too! Are you feeling stuck in your career, life, marriage? You can just say you are an actor on CBS’s Marshals, also streaming on Paramount + (whatever that is), and no one will know. 

“I didn’t know you were an actor,” they’ll say. Me neither, and I’m not. 

I’ve never seen one second of Marshals. No one has. I don’t think it’s real. I’ve never seen it on CBS; I don’t know if Paramount + actually exists. That is precisely why I’ve been telling people for the past eight months that I’m an actor on the show Variety calls, “a formulaic procedural that lacks the depth of the original Yellowstone.”

I haven’t received one dollar from this venture…yet. No one’s questioned it. Your oldest relatives who claim to love this show, which again I’m not sure is real, won’t question it either. Odds are, if it is a real show, they’re asleep before the title card shows up. 

I’ve created an IMDB page for myself. I play Marshall on Marshals, and Marshall is set to show up in CBS’s Tracker, Fire Country, and Matlock between now and 2029. 

You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this? To that I say, why aren’t YOU doing this? I’m a sales representative for a marketing firm. What even is that? I sell marketing? Everything is insane. Gas is one-bajillion dollars, and I think AirPods are causing cancer. Live a little. Say you have a small speaking role on an upcoming episode of Marshals next time there’s a lull in the conversation. I promise the rush you’ll feel is greater than any drug known to man. 

I just received an email that the entire cast, myself included, will be interviewed on CBS This Morning for the upcoming season. What season are they/we on? No idea. Two? Seventeen? No one knows. No one will ever know. All I know is Marshall is going to have some serious soul-searching this season. Join me, won’t you? 

Fugazi Announce New Prank Call Album

Posted on by Tim Graham

ARLINGTON, Va. — Fugazi will end their decades-long hiatus with the release of a new album of prank phone calls, sources close to the band confirm.

“We started getting together last year in secret to work on songs for a new album,” said Ian MacKaye. “However, everything we came up with felt like a rehash of our earlier work, and we definitely didn’t want to be a nostalgia act. We were at practice one night feeling frustrated when Guy made a prank call to Comet Ping Pong to lighten the mood, and something just clicked. We made some more calls and realized we’d stumbled upon a whole new realm of artistic expression for us.”

Lifelong Fugazi fan Evan Stowe admits to being puzzled by the announcement.

“When I heard there was a new Fugazi album coming out, I was over the moon. They’re my favorite band and I never thought we’d get new material from them,” said Stowe. “But when I found out it was all prank calls and no music, I was pretty disappointed. Are the guys in Fugazi even funny? They always seemed pretty serious on stage. I’ll always support the band and whatever they do, but I’m just not really into prank calls. I mean, I did like the Jerky Boys when I was a kid, so I guess I’ll give it a try. Maybe it’ll grow on me.”

Despite the band’s unusual pivot, early reviews of the album have been generally positive.

“It’s a 9.8 out of 10,” said Pitchfork writer Quentin Pierce. “An instant classic. What Fugazi has achieved is nothing short of miraculous. This isn’t so much an album but a visionary subversion of the very idea of music as we know it. They’ve been to the top of the mountain and now they’ve transcended genre and musical structure altogether. The strong opening track finds Ian portraying a man with a thick Southern accent calling a muffler shop to complain about a rattling sound in his car. Brendan Canty shines as an angry patient with an embarrassing rash calling a dermatologist, and Guy Picciotto’s masterful turn as an old Italian man trying to order sausage from a butcher is breathtaking.”

At press time, Dischord labelmates Lungfish had announced they would be returning as well with an album of creepy Halloween sound effects.

Punk Tries Pickleball After Hearing It’s Loud and Annoying

Posted on by Rob Ryder

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local punk Troy Crouse expressed a sudden interest in trying pickleball after hearing the sport is incredibly loud and annoying, confirmed irritated neighbors.

“I’ve been looking for some form of local anarchy for a while. I tried playing guitar, but that shit is hard and way too expensive,” said the 27-year-old punk, while searching a pile of dirty clothes for his pickleball battle vest. “I considered starting a zine, but then one day my Uncle Trevor was outside losing his shit on these guys at the basketball court. Five minutes later, I heard the reason why, that sound man. That sound gets in your blood, that repetitive beat that just never stopped, back and forth…driving ahead faster and faster. It got under everyone’s skin and was driving everyone mad. So naturally I ordered a pickleball set that day.”

Trevor Crouse, president of the Savoy Park HOA, recently put up a “NO PICKLEBALL!” sign at the basketball court sparking a war that was slowly consuming the whole neighborhood.

“The noise, the fucking noise! At first it was just on Saturdays, but then they started up during the week, which then led to the 7:00 a.m. meetups. It was spreading fast and annoyingly so,” said Trevor Crouse while testing the exhaust on his 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger in hopes to cancel out the pickleball sounds. “I mean, have you ever heard anything so fucking loud and annoying? It used to be constrained to daylight hours, but since we put up the security lights to keep the drug dealers away, they’re out there all the fucking time. Pic-poc-pic-poc, it never fucking ends!”

Manager of Dick’s Sporting Goods Ed Carlton has been exceedingly pleased with the punk scene’s interest in pickleball.

“Its about time these boys found something to channel their angsty energy into,” said Carlton, while asking Google AI which paddle brand was the loudest. “I can get new pickleball players into this sport for as little as $15.95 for a paddle and a ball. In no time, these kids will be annoying the fuck out of everyone and be the subject of countless HOA meetings all over the region. Pickleball is now counterculture.”

At press time, Troy Crouse attached a mini-amplifier to his pickleball paddle to maximize the exasperating sound.

Opinion: I’m Sorry I’m Late for Work, but if I Can’t Curate the Most Bomb-Ass Pre-Work Get Psyched Playlist Then What’s the Point?

Posted on by Livy Berry

Look, I know I’ve been late more often than I’ve been on time since starting here, but you really need to consider my perspective. Every morning I have to sit in my car and personally curate the most incredible, bangers-only playlist to perfectly tailor my mood and get me going in a way that will carry me through the work day. That’s a lot of pressure for a playlist, and I’m a professional, but that’s going to take some time.

Umm, no. Obviously I cannot just make and save one playlist and listen to that every day; do you even hear yourself? The world changes every day, and I have to change with it, or my work is seriously going to suffer. How would the higher-ups at this company feel if they found out that you sacrificed your best temp’s work all because of a measly 23 minutes per day? Brenda from accounting is late all the time, and that’s tolerated just because she’s caring for an ailing parent, but I can’t be late to care for my ailing mental state? Get real.

There is no way you just said the word ‘shuffle’ to me. If I can’t produce a sense of life-altering whimsy within myself by listening to Solsbury Hill at least four times spread out perfectly throughout my drive, then why even do any of this? You clearly don’t understand; I can’t just roll straight from Paul Simon to Kendrick Lamar; I have to be taken on a journey, or maybe you want me to walk into the ocean.

It’s like you don’t even care that the new Noah Kahan album just came out and now I’m basically working overtime to balance out the devastating sadness in his music with something that makes me even capable of going to work at all. If you can’t get behind my need to listen to that album while also taking the time to undo the emotional damage I get every time I listen to it, then honestly, what the hell are we even doing here?

Do I ‘apologize’ for being late to work every day? Sure, I guess, but this whole thing is really bringing to light what you actually think of me and what I contribute to this company. I’m going to have to seriously consider whether I’m prepared to forgive you while still 100% coming to work because I need this job to survive. I need to go out to my car and run a few reps of Tubthumping by Chumbawumba before I’m prepared to get started on my workday. Good day, sir.

Centipede Becomes Highest Contributing Member of Punk House After Eating Termite

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — A centipede dwelling in the bathroom of a local punk house has become its highest contributing member after stalking, killing and consuming a termite in the door frame, sources report.

“I figured nobody else in this house is doing anything useful, so I might as well step up and take care of a wood-eating pest,” said the centipede. “All I do is stand around on the wall all day, and even I’m surprised by how shiftless and lazy everyone else is. The tenants in every other place I’ve lived in have at least had the good sense to be creeped out by me, but these guys have yet to acknowledge my existence. I even stood on some dude’s shoulder while he sat on the toilet the other day, and he didn’t even notice I was there. There were a shit-ton of other bugs already crawling through his hair, though, so maybe he wasn’t the best example. And don’t even get me started on the shower. I’ve been here two weeks, and I’ve yet to see anyone use it.”

Human house tenant Stan “Scuzz” Brackenridge was aggravated when he heard of the centipede’s efforts.

“Doesn’t that thing know it’s making the rest of us look bad?” Brackenridge complained as he rooted through the kitchen trash can in search of a smokeable cigarette butt. “I’m doing my best here, so it’s certainly not appreciated when some snobby thousand-legger shows me up by killing a house-destroying bug. It’s not like I’m worthless, man. Who stole that 12-pack of Keystone Ice from the Meijer down the street yesterday? That’s right, I did. Granted, I drank all of them on the walk home, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m so sick of being shown up by arthropods.”

Entomologist Lucille Rattakul has seen this before.

“It’s extremely common for bugs to be the most productive members of the houses they occupy,” Rattakul noted. “Whether it’s a spider trapping a fly in its web or a ladybug feasting on houseplant-destroying aphids, these little beings make much better tenants than a 34-year-old punk who doesn’t have a job, any marketable skills, or even a toothbrush. While many people find centipedes to be unnerving, they at least clean themselves, which is certainly not the case for most punk house residents.”

At press time, the centipede had moved to a nearby crack house in search of better roommates.

Study Shows Storming off While Muttering the Word ‘Ridiculous’ Still Best Way To Let Teenage Retail Workers Know You’re Displeased

Posted on by Steve Packosky

STANFORD, Calif. — Sociologists at Stanford University found that suddenly walking away from a conversation with teenage retail workers while muttering the word “ridiculous” is still the best way to let them know you’re displeased.

“This was an extensive field study,” said head researcher Anna Fairgold. “And we conclusively discovered that overpaid and underworked teenagers employed at soulless corporations totally care when you storm away from them while shaking your head and saying ‘ridiculous.’ In virtually every instance, the workers were extremely upset that they couldn’t help you retrieve an item that you accidentally scheduled for pickup at another location, or recognize a 30% off sticker that had expired the previous day. Your method of letting them know you’re incensed really gets through to them, so you definitely should keep doing it.”

Frequent displeased customer Sandra Kessel was vindicated by the findings.

“I’ve known this for years, but it’s nice to have it confirmed,” Kessel noted. “It’s my go-to for getting through to, say, a swamped 17-year-old Target employee who’s operating the only open checkout lane. I just know that when I pull out this card, they’ll be beside themselves with grief for having lost me, and not relieved in the slightest for having one less customer to deal with. My business is valuable, so I’m going to continue making these kids feel awful if they’re not able to pull whatever strings are needed to keep it.”

Teenage Walmart worker Joe Gerken reacted to the news.

“Oh, no, please don’t do that,” Gerken remarked as he hit a vape pen outside the store. “The last thing in the world that I want when I clock in for my 12-hour shift that barely covers the gas it costs for me to drive to work is to not be harassed by patrons. I definitely have a personal stake in the best interests of our customers that goes above and beyond the amount I need to care to ensure my boss doesn’t bother me about it. I want everyone who comes into this store to know that, if they have a complaint that I’m unable to resolve, walking away and giving me some peace and quiet would be the absolute worst outcome.”

At press time, the same study found that telling these workers you’ll no longer shop at the chains employing them really makes them feel bad about not doing enough to assist you.

5 Classic Films That Would Totally Get ‘Canceled’ Today, by Warner Brothers, for Tax Purposes

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

Not every classic film has “aged well.” Luckily, modern Warner Bros. executives understand that their creative decisions have the potential to influence some of the most important issues of today, like shareholder confidence, quarterly EBITDA targets, and their upcoming severance package.

With that in mind, here are five beloved classic films that would totally get canceled today by Warner Bros. Discovery for tax purposes.

1. Casablanca (1942)
Packed with iconic dialogue, timeless performances, and emotional sincerity, this wartime romance represents exactly the kind of long-term cultural investment modern studios are trying to avoid. Sure, audiences have spent decades quoting lines from the film and introducing it to new generations, but maintaining that kind of enduring emotional connection to art can rack up some serious server bills. Rick sacrificing personal happiness for a cause larger than himself may have resonated in 1942, but 2026 Warner Bros. leadership understands that no one should ever prioritize principle over quarterly earnings guidance. Preserving Humphrey Bogart’s little black-and-white MPEG forever simply isn’t fiscally responsible.

2. The Exorcist (1973)
When this horror classic premiered, audiences reportedly fainted, vomited, and fled theaters in terror. Back then, Warner Bros. mistakenly believed provoking strong emotional reactions could help sell movie tickets.

Rather than releasing an ambitious, controversial horror film from an unpredictable director, modern studio leadership would courageously perform a “strategic content realignment initiative” and quietly shelve the project two weeks before release.

3. The Shining (1980)
Production on this film was famously difficult. Stanley Kubrick demanded endless takes, the shoot ran long, and early reviews were mixed. Unfortunately, Warner Bros. in 1980 was still trapped in outdated ideas like “supporting filmmakers” and “exploring domestic violence and child abuse through supernatural horror as both catalyst and metaphor.“

Contemporary media executives would immediately recognize the warning signs: an over-budget psychological horror film with almost no potential sequel or spinoff series about the ghost bartender. The project would be written off halfway through production, with the remaining footage later sold as a six-part HBO Max documentary called How To REDRUM A Movie. Plus, Stephen King never liked it, and he directed Maximum Overdrive, so yeah, I think the studio could have trusted his instincts.


4. Goodfellas (1990)
Martin Scorsese spent years crafting one of the greatest crime films ever made, featuring elaborate tracking shots, expensive licensed music, and wall-to-wall profanity and violence. In 1990, Warner Bros. released the film in theaters and allowed it to become a cultural landmark.

Streaming-era executives understand that spending millions licensing classic songs for a standalone adult drama is irresponsible when the same money could instead fund a few more concurrent Batman reboots.

5. The Matrix (1999)
When the Wachowskis pitched this strange cyberpunk action movie in the late ’90s, executives somehow agreed to finance a dense philosophical sci-fi film filled with simulated reality theories, kung fu, latex trench coats, and dialogue that reportedly confused everyone except Laurence Fishburne. Amazingly, the gamble paid off. Audiences lost their minds over its groundbreaking visual effects, philosophical themes, and revolutionary action sequences. “Bullet time” and kung fu became action movie go-to’s, and phrases like “there is no spoon’ and “red pill” entered the modern lexicon. But is all that worth more than a CEO’s stock options?

Today, the studio would cancel the movie midway through post-production because audiences “no longer respond to original sci-fi concepts.” After all, groundbreaking art comes and goes, but executive compensation packages are forever.


I don’t think anyone envies the difficult artistic choices that must be made by the modern studio executive. The pressure is enough to make anyone question whether or not art even needs to exist.

Manager Who Says ‘We’re Like a Family Here’ Willing To Testify Against Any Employee

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

AUSTIN, Texas — Emphasizing the close personal bonds shared throughout the company, regional operations manager who says “we’re like a family here” Greg Talbot declared Monday that he would be more than willing to testify against any employee if asked to do so, sources confirmed.

“We’ve all built really close relationships here over the years,” Talbot said while encouraging employees to cooperate with HR and legal counsel regarding an ongoing internal investigation. “People support each other, confide in one another, and do whatever is necessary to protect the family when times get tough. If that means sitting down with attorneys and providing detailed accounts of conversations, emails, Slack messages, or inappropriate conduct I may have witnessed from members of my own team, then that’s simply what you do for family.”

Employees said the manager’s repeated emphasis on familial values had helped contextualize many aspects of the workplace culture.

“When Greg first said we were like a family, suddenly the 12-hour workdays, canceled vacations, on-call weekends, and lack of raises all started making more sense,” said account coordinator Devin Morales. “And honestly, when he voluntarily submitted detailed written statements, personal Slack logs, meeting transcripts, and timestamped screenshots implicating basically everyone on our team except himself, that really made the place feel like the home I grew up in. There’s just something incredibly familiar about watching adults immediately protect themselves while calmly explaining that this is what’s best for everyone.”

Human resources consultant Dr. Rebecca Lin explained that family-oriented workplace environments can be extremely effective organizational tools.

“Cultures that emphasize trust, loyalty, obligation, and emotional closeness often create very strong internal compliance structures,” Lin explained. “Employees become deeply invested in maintaining approval from leadership and preserving group stability, which can make them significantly more willing to monitor, report, and ultimately incriminate one another once protecting the organization becomes the top priority. The emotional dynamics of a family structure often allow companies to obtain levels of cooperation that would be difficult to achieve in a workplace employees viewed as purely professional.”

At press time, Talbot was reportedly thanking employees for their honesty and sacrifice before announcing that, unfortunately, the company would be making cuts and needed to let several members of the family go to prison.

8 Weeks of Conversion Camp No Match for Scissor Sisters Album

Posted on by Dan Rice

DOVER, Pa. — For the tenth consecutive year in a row, every single participant of Pray Straight, a controversial religious-based gay conversion therapy camp, has “relapsed” into homosexuality after hearing just one song by flamboyant pop-rock band Scissor Sisters, sources close to the Pennsylvania bigot community report. 

“I have to admit, between the preaching, sleep deprivation, and physical abuse, I walked out of that camp thinking that maybe I was straight after all!” recalled Pray Straight graduate Trevor Malcolm. “Then I heard the first verse of ‘I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’’ again, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, no, I’m totally gay!’ It was probably just low blood sugar. Did I mention they starved us? Yeah, they starve children at those things.” 

Senior staff at Pray Straight expressed frustration and bewilderment at their camp’s now zero percent success rate in converting gay youth with access to Scissor Sisters’ aggressively sexy music.  

“I just can’t believe all the hard work we do gets continually undermined so easily!” lamented Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo. “Eight solid weeks of shamming, manipulation, physical abuse and starvation completely undone, and why? Because ‘Lights’ just so happens to be an undeniable banger? Because every track on ‘Ta-Dah’ happens to be brimming with an exuberance that invites you to cast off the shackles of doubt and conformity and be your true, beautiful self? It’s intoxicating! I mean, disgusting! I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I gotta go to the gym!” 

Parents who send their gay children to Pray Straight have grown increasingly irritated at the camp’s recent lack of success. 

“I just can’t believe my son would just unlearn eight weeks of rigorous Bible study and shamming after hearing just one damned song!” lamented conservative parent Bob Earlman. “The kicker is, it wasn’t even a song off of ‘Ta-Dah.’ If ‘She’s My Man’ or ‘I Can’t Decide’ made him gay again, I could understand, but he caved to some deep cut off of ‘Night Work,’ and it wasn’t even ‘Whole New Way!’ Uh, I mean, er, what’s Scissor Sisters? And, uh, what’s ‘being gay’ even? Whoa, would you look at the time, I need to leave immediately!” 

At press time, Pray Straight director Peter Leotardo was last seen flooring a convertible to Providence, Rhode Island with “Tits on the Radio” blaring out the speakers.  

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