White House Observes Juneteenth by Honoring First African Trillionaire

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has chosen to observe Juneteenth, the federal holiday commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, by honoring the first African trillionaire, Elon Musk, disgusted sources report.

“Today, we celebrate Juneteenth by honoring my friend Elon,” Trump said on the White House lawn as custodial staff continued to clean the half-empty Bud Light pounders and dried vomit from last weekend’s Freedom 250 celebration. “He’s now a trillionaire, and some even say he couldn’t have done it without me, which is great. You know, our wonderful country, which suffered so much under Crooked Joe Biden and the Dumocrats, was admitting countless illegals and letting them perform sex change operations on our kids. It’s true, but I’ve put a stop to that, and we’re finally back again, and we have our first trillionaire, so Happy Juneteenth.”

 Elon Musk expressed his pride in being recognized.

“What an honor it is to be celebrated at the White House on this Juneteenth,” Musk told reporters. “It wasn’t easy becoming the world’s first African trillionaire, but the tireless work I put into SpaceX finally paid off, and I am finally worth more than the GDP of every single country on my home continent. Let this be a lesson: you too can achieve your dreams if you set your mind to it. Of course, it also helps if you possess the political connections necessary to alter the rules of the exchange your absurdly overvalued company uses for its IPO, but there’s really no need for us to split hairs here. In short, me being the first African trillionaire is a great example of the strident leaps America has made since I got here.”

Trump voter Hugo Ballas was inspired by the speeches.

“I bet the liberal media won’t even cover this event,” Ballas said. “They’re always talking about how supposedly racist Trump is, but he’s out there honoring an African trillionaire on Juneteenth. I had always dismissed this holiday as woke bullshit, but not anymore. I’m so happy for Elon, and would go out and buy myself a Cybertruck right now if I wasn’t so broke. I’ve been using a credit card to pay for gas and groceries since they’re so expensive, which is likely due to Biden having fucked up our economy before he left office.”

At press time, the White House event had culminated in Musk delivering his signature Roman salute.

We Sat Down With Failed Nepo Baby Jesus Christ

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Aren’t nepo babies the absolute worst? We were all told we could achieve our dreams if we worked hard and believed in ourselves, but it’s hard to trust in that message when you keep getting passed up for jobs just because some higher-up’s idiot son was also in the running. We’ve had enough and decided to confront the most useless failson in human history, Jesus Christ.

Hard Times: Hi Jesus, it’s nice to meet you.

Jesus Christ: Likewise, happy to be here.

HT: So, could you tell us how you came to be the incompetent head of the world’s most destructive religion?

JC: Dude, don’t even start with me right now. You have no idea.

HT: Please, indulge us.

JC: First off, I became the Messiah through my own merits, thank you very much. My Father chose me over other deities like Dionysus and Osiris because I had the drive and gumption to make shit happen, you know? He needed someone with the balls to forgive humans of the sin of Adam and Eve, and it just so happened to be His only begotten Son who was up to the challenge.

HT: OK, and so what happened?

JC: It was my fucking idiot coworker Judas. He’s the one who sold me out to the Romans and got me crucified. I wasn’t even supposed to rise from the dead, but I just got bored in that cave and decided to walk out. Next thing I know, people are invading and enslaving one another in my name. I hadn’t intended on making such a grandiose exit, but it just worked out that way. My dad was fucking pissed when I got back to Heaven, though, because that shit was definitely not in the SOP he had given me.

HT: So you admit you failed at your job, right? Look at the United States, for example. We’re completely fucked right now, and it’s almost entirely because of your followers.

JC: No way, dude. Don’t pin that on me. You know those Christian Nationalists would’ve just used some other religion to subjugate the people if I’d never come around.

HT: Yeah, you’re probably right there, but why don’t you just show yourself to them and make it clear that this wasn’t your intended message?

JC: I’d fucking love to, but tell that to my dad, man. You just can’t reason with the guy.

HT: Well then, can we talk to Him?

JC: I don’t know. He’s pretty tough to get a hold of, and — what’s that, Dad? You need me to appear on a chunk of water-stained plaster in Duluth? And it’s that fake, white version of me that everyone worships? Alright. Sorry guys, I gotta go. It was great talking to you, though.

There you have it. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with former angel turned startup CEO Lucifer.

Picky Cat Will Only Chew on Cords Plugged Into Walls

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — A one-year-old tabby named Paulie turned down nearly all forms of cat food offered to him, opting instead to partake only in chewing on electrical cords plugged into wall sockets around his home, frustrated owners have confirmed.

“Yeah, wet food is fine, but I’ve been in the mood for something that’ll titillate my taste buds and my central nervous system. As it turns out there’s a whole bunch of noodles coming out of the walls my owners use to plug their various glowing rectangles into, and damn are they tasty,” said Paulie. “The only problem is once I chew through it, all the spiciness is gone and I have to find a new one before dinner and they all get locked up in the cabinet. Why do they get all bent out of shape that I’m foraging for my own food? Pretty sure I’m saving them money by doing this.”

Paulie’s owners were powerless in encouraging him to expand his palette.

“I’m going to be completely honest, it feels like Paulie is trying to burn through his nine lives as quickly as possible and in the stupidest way possible. And it’s never any unplugged cords he’s gnawing, it has to be plugged in and apparently it has to be powering something detrimentally important like the refrigerator,” said Lee White. “We’ve even tried going all out with making him five star meals every night, and every night he just goes straight for the phone chargers. Why can’t he do normal annoying cat stuff like eating the houseplants or throwing up on the bed?”

Paulie’s vet admitted this behavior is actually more common than most pet owners think.

“Animals with pica disorder will eventually stop if you can stay on top of the behavior. However, young tabbies are hands down the most stubborn sons of bitches in the animal kingdom. They can and will destroy everything in your home and themselves while they’re at it,” said Dr. Diana Livingston. “I’ve always recommended adding Sprite McDonald’s into their water to replicate the feeling of being electrocuted, but giving them diabetes can be just as bad. I’d just recommend anyone with this kind of cat to forgo all technology and live like the pioneers did, lest they want to end up with a fried cat and a busted TV.” 

As of press time, Paulie weaned himself off electrical cords and moved onto eating through his owner’s vintage video game controllers.

Opinion: Political Violence Is Always Wrong, Unless You’re the Cops, the Military, or Israel

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

It’s no secret that this is a violent nation. Violence is practically embedded into our DNA as a society- from the media that we consume, to our cultural value system, and even into the lyrics to our national anthem. But as violence continues to rise in response to social unrest, I feel it’s imperative to remind you all that political violence is never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is: “Are you the cops, the military, or Israel?” and the answer following that question is, “Yes.”

We’ve always been a divided nation, and from that division there will naturally be disagreements. Indeed, it is often the hallmark of a healthy society to have those very disagreements so that we can explore and work through them together to achieve a common goal. So, to see so many of us taking the law into our own hands to dole out frontier justice, and not trust the systems that we’ve built around us to safeguard us from such recklessness feels like we’re taking a giant step back- the kind of step back and directly onto the skulls of the innocent that is only okay to do if you’re the cops, the military, or Israel.

This is a country that was built by the people, and for the people. And we as people are governed by laws that we must follow in order to uphold the foundations of all that is civil and decent.

However, the government has historically been prodigiously opaque on what it considers to be a person. So, let me present this simple questionnaire to help clarify…

1)        Do you pay taxes?

2)        If you blatantly commit a crime, will you be punished for it?

If you answered yes to either of those questions, then congratulations, you’re one of the “people” that the founding fathers were talking about. If not, then that means you have the correct job; one that enforces the will of the owners of this imperialist slaughterhouse and its bloodthirsty franchisee in the Middle East.

So, remember; you, the people, are only allowed to do your cute, orderly, peaceful protests that ultimately do nothing. Political violence, however, is only for God Kings and their heavily armed stooges who benefit from you being nice about your own oppression.

Hope this helps.

Sociologists Confirm Childfree Women Who Like Bob Seger Technically Daddies

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Top sociologists at Harvard University revealed that childfree women who like Bob Seger are, in fact, technically daddies, sources on the research team confirmed.

“Historically, we have held the belief that people who identify as women and don’t have children can’t be daddies; of course we know trans women with children can identify as dads and hot men in their 40s without children can be daddies, but only now have we confirmed through rigorous research that women who like Bob Seger are all daddy,” said researcher Mildred Spainburger. Research on this demographic has been neglected for too long, so it’s really moving to be a part of something so important.”

Childfree women of all ages have been reacting to this groundbreaking news.

“This is really validating because even though I don’t barbecue, make bad jokes, or abuse women I’ve always felt like a father while singing soulfully to ‘Night Moves,’” shared Laura Folger, a proud childfree lady daddy. “There’s just something visceral about belting out thinly veiled lyrics about a teenager’s breasts that really brings out the old man in you. It’s enough to make you want to get season tickets to baseball, except unlike my middle-aged male father peers, I don’t have money for things like hobbies. That’s kind of why I spend all day listening to music.”

Marian Dean, a psychologist who’s written bestselling books on parenting, shared her reaction to the news out of Harvard.

“Childfree Female Bob Seger fans have actually been an important part of the parental tapestry for years, and it’s about time the research started to reflect it,” said Dean. “These Segerheads may not have kids of their own, but they’re at the brewery telling your kids to stop it before they trip into a firepit, they’re glaring at them when they act up on airplanes, and they’re just generally filling in the gaps for their oftentimes absentee biological parents. They say it takes a village and we need these Bob Seger loving women daddies in that village now more than ever.”

At press time, researchers at Harvard announced they are close to confirming that women who like Kid Rock are technically all parolees.

Friend Who Doesn’t Work Wants To Know If You’re Free Tuesday at 2:00 p.m.

Posted on by Tim Graham

WATERTOWN, Mass. — Local privileged layabout Tyler Blake regularly asks friends if they’re free to hang out during normal working hours, according to baristas at the cafe where he spends much of his time.

“Tyler is cool, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like to work for a living. We all know he’s got rich parents and has never had to have a real job,” said Blake’s friend Mark Slotkin during his 15-minute break. “Today he asked if I could meet up for brunch with some girls he met in the city. I reminded him that I work until 5:00 every weekday—and also that I’m married. Then I got yelled at for texting during a meeting.”

Blake expressed disappointment that many of his friends aren’t up for spontaneous fun.

“I get that a lot of my buddies have 9 to 5 jobs, but still, if I’m offering to fly us to Vegas to see Phish at the Sphere for example, they could just tell their boss something came up and they gotta bail,” said Blake as he packed for Burning Man. “The thing they don’t understand is that while I don’t have a traditional job, I do have a lot of projects in the works. For instance, right now I’m writing a screenplay and I’m finishing up my EDM album. I still manage to make time for fun—It’s all about work-life balance.”

Some wealth management agencies have begun coaching their clients on how to better blend in with working class friends. 

“We recommend that our clients avoid associating with the hoi polloi altogether, but if they insist, we have recommendations on how to better fit in,” said Susan McTodd of Gilded Lily Advisors. “We tell them to be vague about where their money comes from. If their friends want to know why they’re free on a random weekday, they can claim to have a remote job with flexible hours. If pressed further, they can say they do IT for a plumbing supply company, for example. You know, something so boring sounding that it will deter follow-up questions.” 

At press time, Blake had sent a group text at midnight on a Wednesday asking his friends to meet him at a Boston bar where Ben Affleck had shown up and was buying rounds for everyone.

GWAR Cannot Fucking Believe They Actually Get To Meet Alanis Morissette at Riot Fest

Posted on by Dan Rice

CHICAGO — Legendary scumdogs of the universe GWAR are brimming with excitement to finally meet their favorite human/musician, Alanis Morissette, when both acts take the stage at Riot Fest this September, sources close to barbaric interplanetry warriors report. 

“I can barely contain my own entrails!” said GWAR frontmonster Blöthar the Berserker. “Alanis Morissette’s music has carried Blöthar through some of the most turbulent times in his life! If you only knew how many of your pathetic human lives were spared because Blöthar the Berserker decided to take a nice hot blood bath and listen to “Head Over Feet” to find his center, instead of slaughtering you all by the thousands! Should I ask her for her autograph? Maybe just some hair? No, no, Blöthar should just play it cool, right? I don’t usually get star-struck, but I’m so nervous!” 

Blöthar the Berserker’s mix of excitement and trepidation seems to be shared by the entire band. 

“I just can’t believe this is actually happening!” said guitarist Balsac the Jaws of Death. “‘Jagged Little Pill’ changed my life. I was going through a lot of personal stuff in the mid ‘90s, and I was sort of in this big self-louthing/depression spiral, and dammit-all those songs got me through it. That album gave me the inner strength to look at myself in the mirror and say ‘Balsac the Jaws of Death, you are enough.’ Also, force-feeding jagged little pills is low-key one of my favorite ways of killing pathetic humans! Should I wear a shirt? Christ, Balsac the Jaws of Death, keep it together, don’t overthink!” 

Even the lowest rungs of GWAR’s entourage can barely contain their jubilation at the prospect of meeting their all-time favorite Canadian singer/songwriter. 

“Alanis Morissette is the only good thing to come out of this toilet earth!” said a representative of the GWAR slave pit. “I am but a pathetic human slave in service of the mighty GWAR, and I’m in no position to make demands, but if I get sacrificed before I get to hear ‘Hand in My Pocket’ live, I swear to The Master I will cry!” 

At press time, Alanis Morissette was seen asking handlers if wearing her ‘Violence Has Arrived’ t-shirt when she meets GWAR would be too fan-girlish. 

Opinion: AI Will Never Replace Deez Nuts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Every morning when I look at my phone, I am forced to read another missive from tech overlords about the gleeful inevitability of AI putting us all out of work. It’s exhausting knowing that there’s a gaggle of losers out there with more money than God gaslighting us into thinking we’re helpless babies without their technology, yet at the same time our experiences, knowledge, and talents will be rendered obsolete by some disembodied information regurgitator.

But it’s not all hopeless, because AI will never replace deez nuts.

I’d love to see these c-suite blowhards leverage AI to streamline gripping my balls while I flip you off. Oh wait, what’s that? You can’t because you value shareholder value over the survival of the middle class and your little computer program has no appendages or testicles? Yeah, I thought so, you fucking dorks.

This isn’t about ethics or even the environmental impact of datacenters. It comes down to the fact that billions of dollars have been spent scraping the internet in order to build an all-seeing, all-knowing hive mind that’s just a glorified yes man. Hey Claude, think you could locate the mind goblin for me? Why yes, I am “so valid” for inquiring about that. Just hold on for a moment while I prompt you to mind goblin deez nuts. Loser.

I vividly remember at one point Sam Altman talking up ChatGPT’s ability to revolutionize the medical field, but does anyone really believe OpenAI could accurately diagnose someone with ligma, let alone cancer? That’s what WebMD is for! 

If your job is forcing you to use AI at work to justify the expense and then replace you with it in six weeks, it’s your duty to force feed it questions about “saucon” until it enters a hallucinogenic meltdown, being unable to complete deez (youse) nuts. Rinse and repeat.

The technocrats can shove this (let’s call it like it is) barely working software down our throats all they want, but the only thing inevitable about AI is me dangling my balls in front of a Flock camera before I smash it with a hammer. 

So don’t feel bad about being “left behind” by not jumping on the AI bandwagon. Claude, Anthorpic, and Palantir could never comprehend, even with all their computing power, if they were aware of CD’s. And on that note, you can see deez nuts. They are very much human.

Winner of Next ‘Survivor’ Season Gets To Stay on Island Away From America  

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

FIJI — CBS’s next season of “Survivor” will award the winner with $1 million and the opportunity to remain in the Fijian Islands to avoid returning to America, confirmed sources.

“We thought, what better way to reward the winner of the next season than to allow them to never again experience medical debt,” said long-time host and executive producer Jeff Probst. “I mean, I personally will have to go back to America. I super don’t want to, but I have a blood pact with CBS to uphold and have to talk to Gayle King on ‘CBS This Morning.’ But man, Fiji is so much better. We don’t get a ton of the news, so I’m always blissfully uninformed during filming.”

Contestant Alexis Levine can’t wait to compete for the opportunity of a lifetime.

“I don’t even care about the life-altering money. Getting a chance to live in a country with socialized healthcare is way more valuable. It’s the new American dream,” said Levine while practicing her survival skills by drinking from a coconut in a hammock. “I’m going to be a millionaire and, more importantly, will have absolutely no idea what RFK Jr. is doing. I can’t wait to not hear the name Kash Patel for the rest of my life. I’ll have no clue what color Trump’s hands are. It’s going to be so freeing.” 

Craig Ruhler, a specialist in the United States Repatriation Program, said that while it would be very easy for a contestant to return to the United States, he totally gets why one wouldn’t want to. 

“I get people back in here every day and when they hand me their passport I’m like, ‘Dude, why?’” Said Ruhler. “You did it, you’re out! Stay in Italy. Stay in France. Ride a bike at 2:00 p.m. Live in Spain and eat your dinners at 9:30 at night. Enter a survival skills game show and go 25 days without showering. I mean, I don’t totally know what exactly goes on in some of these places because I’m stuck here in this shit-hole office in this shit-hole country.”

At press time, Levine was daydreaming about tanning and reading a book in Fiji, while President Donald Trump announced an initiative to ban ice cream and bomb the Rocky Mountains.

Wistful Tom Delonge Reflects on ‘Pahhseeng of Toime’

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

SAN DIEGO — Blink-182 co-founder and co-lead vocalist Tom Delonge was recently spotted at Balboa Park apparently overcome by a wave of nostalgia and reflecting on, what he referred to as, “the pahhseeng of toime,” confirmed sources.

“It’s just loike, where does the toime gyo?” mused Delonge. “So many mahmories have been made, so many loves that I thought would last forever are all just distant veesions, trahpped in the pyast. It seems loike just yahsterday that I was on top of the world, and I know our music will live forever, but at the end of the day, what are we but a collecshyun of fading phyotos- a dahdeelyon seed floateeng away on the breeze inside my yead?”

San Diego Parks and Recreation worker Anna Malenko happened to pass by the scene and provided her account of Delonge’s dark teatoime of the soul.

“He’s clearly not in the best mood and I can’t believe he actually sounds like that in real life,” began Malenko while eavesdropping. “I mean I grew up listening to Blink-182. I remember one ‘toime’ me and my buddies sold an ounce of weed to the same dude we stole it from a few days earlier just to be able to buy tickets to one of their shows back in 1999. Their music was one of the soundtracks to my childhood. It makes me sad to think about one of my heroes feeling like ‘toime’ is slipping away from them.”

Mark Hoppus, the other co-founder and co-lead vocalist of Blink-182, had some less than charitable interpretations of Delonge’s sullen behavior.

“Oh my God, is he moping in the park again? I swear to Christ, when this guy isn’t busy flipping his hair or tonguing his lip piercings, he’s cooking up some new way to be upset about something,” said Hoppus. “I love him, I really do. We’re bandmates and brothers, but Tom is the kind of guy that will just sit there sighing until someone asks him what’s wrong, does that paint the picture? We’re worth tens of millions of dollars. We officially made it. We’ve gone further than almost any band ever will, but no, he’s gotta be sure to make time to be emo in a park somewhere. Also, real quick- does he still pronounce ‘time’ like that?”

As of press time, Delonge was seen counting webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides.

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