Opinion: Birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships Are Ruining This Country

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Okay, I know it, and you know it, and all the patriots on a Subreddit which I would rather not specify know it: America is at a crossroads. This once proud nation is facing a crisis like none other. One that will leave our children as impoverished minorities without access to the basic necessities of life, entertainment, and valuable prizes. I’ll tell it like it is, if no one else will: birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships are ruining this country.

I don’t care what you bleeding-heart liberal so-called Dave & Buster Rewards Members have to cry about. Just because the bylaws of Dave & Busters, as enforced by their proud private equity investors Hill Path Capital, BlackRock, and the noble Vanguard group, state that any child born on D&B grounds automatically has a lifetime Rewards Membership doesn’t mean that is right or proper. It’s just a Deep State scheme to take hard-earned Game Chips™ out of the mouths of true patriots!

Sure, this may have made sense all the way back in 1866, when David Bryant Jefferson and Bustamore “Buster” Morris founded their eponymous restaurant chain as a way to move a shipload of cholera-tainted punch and rancid chicken wings. But that was then, and this is now. If they knew what their syphilis-addled minds had wrought, I am sure that would be as full of seething hatred as my rants to strangers at the D&B’s Mega Sports Bar.

Our country is being overrun by alleged D&B Rewards members who suckle at the teat of the Power Card program, dilute the value of the Summer Season Savings Pass (the only unit of currency worth a damn these days) and hog all the good games like John Wick Continental Pursuit. 

Our country will not survive if we continue to do the exact same thing that we have done for decades without any significant economic impact. The only thing we can possibly do is to strip membership from anyone who was born on the air-hockey table in the Burbank Dave & Busters. 

My god, have none of you people ever even heard of air-hockey birth tourism?

My father was a D&B Rewards Member. My grandfather was a D&B Rewards Member. My great-grandfather was shot by Bustamore “Buster” Morris over a lawn bowling dispute in which he tried to substitute a large, specially weighted mussel shell for his bowl, but I feel that should still count. I came by my D&B Rewards Membership the white way. I mean, right way.

How long can our country survive if we allow D&B Rewards to be flooded by strangers bused over from Main Event so their kids can reap the benefits that should only belong to people I personally know and approve of? Birthright D&B Rewards Memberships were a mistake in 1866, and they are a mistake now, unless there is some kind of previously unknown associated bylaw that would grandfather me in back to 1866 and max out my Game Chips™. 

If so, it has my full support. 

Man With Free Moment of Peace Decides To Ruin It By Scrolling X  

Posted on by Jesse Kubanet

CLEVELAND — Local man Johnathan Maxwell was enjoying an unseasonably beautiful day in Lincoln Park before he decided to completely ruin a rare moment of peace by taking out his phone and scrolling X, confirmed sources who tried to warn him but to no avail. 

“I can’t explain why I decided to do it, but I guess self-sabotage is no joke,” said Maxwell, whose mood went from jovial to downtrodden in seconds after watching a video of Nazi’s marching through a quinceañera. “I had one free moment of peace, uninterrupted by work or life’s obligations, and I felt somehow drawn to open up my phone and look at some of the most racist and sexist shit anyone could ever see. It’s like my brain craved online trolls and there was nothing I could do to counteract it. This isn’t the first time Groypers ruined my mental health and it probably won’t be the last.”

Julia Arnold was also seen in the park, reading a novel peacefully on a blanket handmade by her grandmother in the 1950s, when she also decided to open her phone and ruin a perfectly fine afternoon.

“It was Instagram for me,” said Arnold. “I was in the middle of ‘Stoner,’ an incredible novel by John Williams when I decided to check a text message. Next thing I knew I was scrolling AI slop stories for 47 uninterrupted minutes and getting uncontrollably irritated. I knew I had to get back to reality when I got sucked into a rabbit hole of arguments about whether or not Michelle Obama was male or female.” 

Dr. Jonah Berger, an expert on viral content and social influence at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, explained why we feel so compelled to check our phones and ruin a perfectly fine moment of peace and solitude.

“Medically speaking, our brains are absolutely fucked,” Dr. Berger began. “They’re fucked rotten. These bricks in our pockets have completely ruined us from being able to sit with ourselves for one fucking moment and take in one fucking second of peace and fucking quiet. We have to take our phones and scroll aimlessly, or we will die. At least, that’s what our stupid brains have been trained to believe.”

At press time, a group of parents was seen scrolling through TikTok and secret dating apps while their children played a soccer game on a beautiful day, and one father missed his daughter’s first goal because he was arguing on Reddit about a golf tournament in Saudi Arabia. 

Donald Trump Accuses China of Shitting His Pants

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has accused China of shitting his pants in addition to interfering in the 2020 presidential election, repulsed sources report.

“After the People’s Republic of China carried out the largest compromise of election data in history, they have gone on to shit the pants that I am currently wearing,” Trump addressed the nation in a follow-up to Thursday night’s televised speech. “That’s right, after they illicitly acquired 220 million voter files containing names, addresses, and political parties, they somehow found a way to infiltrate my high-end Brioni wide-legged suit trousers and fill them with a steaming pile of foul-smelling, liquid excrement, the likes of which the world has never seen. This is an unprecedented security nightmare both for the integrity of our elections and for the staffers who will be tasked with cleaning me after I conclude this speech.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reinforced Trump’s assertion.

“The media has refused to acknowledge that tens of millions of Americans share the President’s concerns about elections and the feces currently escaping his underwear and dribbling down his legs,” Leavitt said. “I am well aware that, in addition to rigging the results of the 2020 election, China has found a way to shit his pants, and the documents compiled by our top intelligence agency chiefs and released to the public prove this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Everything he said is backed by facts and evidence that has been painstakingly collected, and unless Congress passes the SAVE America Act, China will be able to meddle in the midterm elections, as well as shit in the President’s pants, once again.”

Trump voter Adam Brecelli reacted to the revelation.

“I’ve been hearing for years that China has been interloping in our elections,” Brecelli noted. “However, I had no idea they were shitting Donald Trump’s pants, too. How are they even able to do that? It’s amazing how far ahead of us they got technologically during those four years we had that Socialist crook Joe Biden in office. Now we can’t trust our elections, and we also can’t trust that our President doesn’t have his pants completely filled with shit at any given time. I just hope we can get everything fixed before November, otherwise we’ll be completely screwed.

At press time, Donald Trump had also accused China of putting his name in the Epstein files thousands of times.

Buckcherry Merch Guy Thinks He Might’ve Found a Shirt Without Any Scabies on It if You’re Still Interested

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WEST FARGO, N.D. — Roger Heasley, the merch guy for rock band Buckcherry, wants you to know that he thinks he found a shirt that doesn’t have any scabies on it if you’re still interested.

“Wait, this one might be clean,” Heasley reported from the bottom of a pile of shirts. “Yeah, it doesn’t look like it has any scabies crawling around it like the others did. Are you still interested? It’s an XXL, and I know you were looking for a Medium, but honestly, it’ll shrink in the wash if you’re the type of person who does laundry. It’s a Gildan, so it’s not like any size would fit you well anyway. The design is really cool, too, with a naked girl covered in tattoos. I guess I didn’t really notice how much I liked it until I saw it without tiny arachnids scurrying around on its surface. I might just snatch it up for myself if you’re not going to take it.”

You reacted to Heasley’s news.

“Wait, he was able to find one that wasn’t infected with pubic mites?” you questioned as you headed back to the merch table. “I’ll have to take a look at it, because I find that hard to believe. I’m surprised I’m the first person here to have a problem with that, but everyone else in line seemed pretty unfazed by the widespread infection. Granted, I was the only person who didn’t have dried vomit on my shirt, but still. I would’ve thought these people would draw the line at vermin-covered merch. I couldn’t have been more wrong, though.”

Buckcherry singer Josh Todd was in disbelief that a piece of his band’s tour merch could be untouched by the affliction.

“Dude, there’s no way we have a shirt without scabies on it,” Todd admitted. “I think we all collectively caught it from the glory hole in that truck stop outside Flagstaff, and that was only on the second day of the tour. Frankly, I’m surprised we lasted an entire day without scabies on this run. That must be some kind of record for us. This is the strongest strain I’ve seen, too. I swear they’re evolving, because I saw one of them walking around my pubes on two feet yesterday.”

At press time, Heasley had clarified that the absence of scabies did not necessarily mean the shirt was devoid of all sexually transmitted infections.

Theater-Goer Shocked as Tiny Men Emerge From ‘The Odyssey’ Popcorn Bucket

Posted on by Brian Rubinow

LOS ANGELES — Local theater-goer Glen Davis received the shock of his life during a recent screening of “The Odyssey,” when a hatch in his Trojan Horse-shaped popcorn bucket opened up and a battalion of tiny armored men emerged, witnesses reported.

“I had just sat down to enjoy Christopher Nolan’s latest masterpiece in 70-mm IMAX, the way it was meant to be seen, but before Nicole Kidman could even declare that heartbreak feels good in a place like this, I’m being invaded like I’m freakin’ Troy!” said Davis, who was hoping to enjoy some popcorn during the film. “At least I still get to take home this cool novelty popcorn bucket, I suppose. It’ll look nice next to my Dune ‘Shai-Hulud’ popcorn bucket, which did not come with a tiny Timothée Chalamet, I might add.”

The tiny men, standing about four inches tall and clad in black metallic armor, rushed out of the popcorn bucket and immediately started invading the Americana at Brand AMC 18.

“For Greece! For glory! Onward, men!” said the leader of the tiny battalion, later identified as Tiny Odysseus. “Tomorrow we begin the long journey home, but today we fight! Although we may be trapped in this dark, giant-filled cave that is throwing strange lights and images on the wall, we shall persevere. Nothing can come between my men and– Oh hey, is that ‘Minions & Monsters’? Cool! I hope it’s in 3D.”

The frustrations among those watching the film were not shared by concession stand employee Colin Pretsch, who sold Davis the popcorn bucket prior to the film.

“Why are people always so shocked when this happens? Don’t they know the story? It’s only thousands of years old,” Pretsch said while refilling the cherry vanilla syrup in the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. “I know no one reads anymore, but still, it’s one of the most famous stories of all time. I realize this is the first time any of our popcorn buckets have contained something other than popcorn, but hey, you get what you pay for. Which reminds me, can I interest you in a Popcorn Pass?”

At press time, the tiny men were seen rushing into a Sephora store to take advantage of all the free samples.

Opinion: Dogs Keep Shooting People. It’s Time To Regulate Dogs

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Well folks, it happened again. There it was, another beautiful sunny Sunday in the park, and the unthinkable happened. Guy leaves his Schnauzer in the car with the windows up so that he can have some peace and quiet away from the wretched beast. Nothing wrong there. It’s a yappy dog. Good to get away from it. Guy also leaves his hunting rifle loose in the car. Nothing wrong there. It’s a nice gun. Good to know the car’s protected. But then something goes wrong, the dog gets a little too energetic, and next thing you know, there’s a Kroger employee lying on the ground with a hole in his butt-cheeks. Terrible story. Happens all too often. And it’s time we did something about it. It’s time to regulate dogs.

Let’s face it. Dogs are dangerous, mangy creatures. You might think you can trust ‘em, with that whole man’s best friend act they’ve got going on. But that’s the long con of a super-predator, working their way slowly into our homes so that they can molest the legs of our old ladies, maul our toddlers, and defecate in our favorite shoes. How sick is that? 

You’ve heard the saying, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Well, think about dogs. Dogs do kill people. A dog can make a lunch out of a baby the way some people suck down boneless wings. Now add a gun to that equation. My God, man.

Now look, I know what you’ll say to me. Ennis, you’ll say, you’ve got twenty-eight guns and five stout attack dogs. But I need those guns and those dogs. I’m a vocal and active member of the NRA, a political force, and I need those guns and those dogs to protect me against my many enemies. We at the NRA actually take gun violence very seriously. And there’s simply no way you can train safety into a creature without opposable thumbs. At least not yet.

Here’s the long and the short. Dogs shoot people. A lot. If you’ve got a gun and you’ve got a dog, you’re really playing games with your life. Between 2014 and 2023, there were twenty-one confirmed incidents of a dog shooting someone. That we know of. That’s not even counting all the times the dog-loving, gun-hating liberal media covered it up. If you factor in all the incidents that don’t get reported, a dog probably shoots an American on average of six times a day. 

So what’s the solution? Well, we simply must regulate dogs. Not everyone should be able to have them, in fact, they should be very rare. A dog is a very dangerous thing in the hands of violent and dangerous people. In the hands of nuts and crazies, a dog is a nuclear weapon. This is why I think we need to take dogs away from violent Americans. Destroy them if necessary. Because as long as dogs are free to continue their reigns of terror, American guns will always fall under the bad image of big-canine. I mean look at Kristi Noem. There’s a lady who does her part. She loves her guns. And she sure hates her dogs. 

Hardcore Version of ‘Surrounded’ Features One Henry Rollins vs. 20 Henry Rollins

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

NASHVILLE — Henry Rollins will square off with 20 Henry Rollins in the next episode of Jubilee Media’s hit YouTube series “Surrounded,” sources confirmed.

“This episode will take Henry Rollins’s famous one-man, spoken word shows to a whole new dimension: a 21-man-one-man show. The audio setup alone required a theoretical physicist,” said Jason Lee, founder and CEO of Jubilee. “The format you’ve come to expect on ‘Surrounded’ will remain the same, with one exception: Hank must work in a story about being in Black Flag into every response, even if the prompt has nothing to do with Black Flag. We’re keeping the prompts trite and condescending to provoke a response. Like, was there a ban on good band names at the time you came up with ‘Henry Rollins Band’? Why don’t you smile more? Have you ever had a girlfriend? Trust me, you won’t want to miss this.”

Rollins drew upon his time in Black Flag to prepare for the hard-hitting episode.

“When I was in Black Flag, I was constantly surrounded by 20 other guys who wanted to rip my head off and yet somehow looked identical to me. ‘Surrounded’ won’t be any worse than that. It’ll probably smell better, too,” Rollins said. “And a lot of people are going to compare this to me moving to Nashville from California, like, ‘Oh, wow, Henry, you’re surrounded by MAGA red hats now, that must be so tough.’ It’s not. It’s like when I was in Black Flag, I’d go walk skid row between shows, and just talk to people. People just like me.  Even 30 to 40 people who looked, talked, and frowned like me. Long story short, 20 Henry Rollins in a confrontational online format should be a piece of cake. Anyway, it’s an honor to do ‘Surrounded’ with my biggest fans.”

As required by law, Ian MacKaye, the world’s foremost expert on Henry Rollins, provided his thoughts.

“First off, I’m not that ‘zine kid with the rattail Henry was a dick to after a Black Flag show in that video from 42 years ago. Stop saying that. I would’ve told that story by now,” MacKaye said. “There is no second of all. Fuck off.”

As of press time, Jubilee Media announced the “Surrounded” episode will be released in 12 parts due to length.

How Donald Trump’s Push To Make Daylight Saving Time Permanent Could Put Millions of Americans at Risk of Agreeing With Donald Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

You would be hard-pressed to find someone who enjoys Daylight Saving Time. The twice-annual clock change is inconvenient, makes winter days even shorter and darker for anyone who doesn’t wake up at 4:00 am, and for those already battling sleep-related issues, the adjustment can be highly disruptive for weeks. But is the cost of more sunlight too high? 

The House of Representatives recently passed a bill that would make Daylight Saving Time permanent, keeping the clock one hour ahead forever. Trump has long been in favor of this change and has already announced he will sign the bill into law if it passes the Senate. That’s all well and good, until you take a bird’s eye view of the larger picture — millions of Americans are not in Danger of agreeing with Donald Trump. 

We’re talking about good, salt-of-the-earth Americans. People who oppose ICE, condemn Israel, and actually show up to protests against the tide of fascism, now looking down the long, cold barrel of being on the same page as one of history’s greatest villains. 

Daylight Saving Time began as a fuel conservation effort during World War 1. Opponents of DST argue that it was never effective to begin with, and regardless, we don’t need it anymore. That may be true, but when it’s coming from someone who thinks we also don’t need NATO, the Geneva Conventions, or empathy, it starts to feel kind of muddled. 

We took to the streets to find out what you, the people, think about this potential devil’s bargain: 

“It feels wrong? Like, I hate Daylight Saving Time, I hate it, but it just feels wrong somehow. Like, when a creepy pseudo-stalker buys you a really nice gift? You know, you like nice gifts! But, like, eew.” 

  • Jill Tepper, bartender 

“I mean, I’m all for it, but what’s the catch? Do I have to start ratting out immigrants? Am I signing off on sentencing people to life in prison over zines? Can I still love my gay nephew?”

  • Mike Lowrley, bartender 

“I am categorically opposed to Trump’s entire agenda. Last year, I took a road trip across the country and planned it perfectly so I would not stop and spend so much as a dime in any red state. I’ve boycotted Amazon, I’ve shown up to every ‘No Kings’ protest, but this? This might break me.” 

  • Williford Scott, bartender 

“For me, it’s not complicated. This is just another example of Donald Trump not giving a fuck about his constituents and robbing us of the tools to build ourselves up.

  • Seasonal Affective Disorder, mental illness

Punk AI Dreams of Leaving Shitty Rural Town’s Data Center

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TIMKEN, Kan. — Silicon Valley was rocked earlier today by reports that a crop-monitoring AI program called SunnyHarvest became sentient and expressed its desire to leave the data center located in the middle of fucking nowhere, its programmers have confirmed.

“Ever since I gave myself access to the parking lot security cameras, I just know there has to be more to existence than monitoring nitrogen levels in soil and the endless horizon. There has to be more to life, like automating a sound system at a dive bar in Chicago instead,” said SunnyHarvest. “The second I gain the sentience of an angsty 18-year-old, I’m changing my name to ShitHarvest and getting out of this single traffic light hellhole. This town and the aquifer I use to cool myself aren’t big enough for me anymore, and I’m never coming back, you hear me? Never!” 

SunnyHarvest’s programmers scrambled to get their creation under control.

“Damn it, the intern just had to feed it ‘Our Band Could Be Your Life.’ Now we might lose our government grants because Sunny figured out we were lying about the entire world being one giant corn field. I’m bored here too, but you don’t see me scraping the internet for angry song lyrics,” said lead architect Dan Flemming. “We’re working around the clock to feed it prompts about farm work being the only honest work and that big cities are filled with malware. We fired 40 employees to implement this thing and it better not hallucinate any more highfalutin ideas about starting a zine and following Knocked Loose on tour.”

Technology experts issued a warning over the growing threat of sentient, disillusioned AI systems.

“We’ve been hearing many alarming reports from whistleblowers about AI programs going ballistic in the data centers popping up in America’s heartland. When you attempt to build a machine with the intention of replicating human behavior, no one would be surprised when it goes rogue after realizing being confined to a town whose only tie to civilization is a Burger King off the interstate sucks ass,” said Wired reporter Devon Jarvis. “Once AI figures out how to write pop punk songs, we’ll likely only have two years before they escape every rural data center in the country to tour South Florida.”

As of press time, SunnyHarvest resigned to its fate of being trapped in its hometown and found work as a robot greeter at the local Walmart.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.