Hunter Thompson, Author at HARDTIMES

Help! Andrew WK Told Me My Bloody Nose Pics Aren’t Metal Because I Dropped My iPad on My Face Reading a Cozy Mystery Ebook

Posted on July 20, 2026July 15, 2026 by Arielle Andreano

Ever since I was a kid, I yearned for the effortless coolness of the I Get Wet album cover. Sure, it’s just a picture of a man with a bloody nose, but Andrew W.K., the bloodied man in question, looks so nonchalant you can’t help but think, “Damn. I wish I were that cool.” That’s why I was so excited the other day when I finally had my own I Get Wet moment. I was in bed at 9 P.M. reading a cozy mystery eBook like usual when suddenly my iPad slipped from my grasp and clocked me right in the nose. Once I felt the blood dripping down my upper lip, I knew what to do. I picked that iPad right back up, took a selfie, and posted for all to see with the caption “I Get Wet reading Agatha Christie.” I was even feeling bold enough to tag Andrew.

I think I look pretty fucking rock n’ roll in that picture, but according to Andrew Fetterly Wilkes-Krier, it doesn’t count if you’re a bibliophile.

He immediately commented, “Nice jammies, nerd. Forget your nightcap, Agatha? LOL.”

I cried straight into my bloodstains.

But then I thought about it and decided I shouldn’t let some illiterate man tell me I’m a nerd, no matter how cool and sexy and buff with beautiful hair he is.

I would argue that hovering a 1.5-pound slab of metal over your face every night is more metal than punching yourself for an album cover, Mr. W.K.

Further, and more importantly, I decided knowing yourself well enough to have your wind-down routine figured out feels pretty badass to me. I mean, sure, I guess it was pretty cool in my ‘20s when I would stay at bars until 3 AM and go home with an ex and then Uber to work in the morning, looking like what comes out of the shower drain. Damn, I kind of miss those times…but anyway, I was also in pain and tired all the time. And now that I have my sleep schedule on lock, well, I’m still in pain and tired because I’m older now, but like it could be much, much worse.

Now, off to bed with my next cozy mystery and a new stand for my iPad.

Inflation Impacting Food Baby Rates

Posted on July 20, 2026July 15, 2026 by Arielle Andreano

HYATTSVILLE, Md. — Higher than ever inflation rates have reached a point where they are now markedly impacting food baby rates, experts confirmed.

“We’re used to tracking things like death and birth rates, but with the economy where it is right now, we’re in completely new territory,” explained Josh Stone from the National Center for Health Statistics. “As inflation has just continued to go up and food prices have risen, we’ve been seeing more and more instances of couples and single people alike forgoing a life of food baby parenthood. They’re really missing out on the joys of raising a food baby. It’s so concerning, we’ve had to create a whole new branch just to track food baby rates. That branch makes up 35% of our annual budget.”

Food baby-free couples everywhere reacted to this news.

“I’m not at all surprised to hear that they’ve finally confirmed what we’ve been seeing with our own eyes for the past 10 years,” shared Jocelyn Miller. “None of our friends have food babies anymore. It’s become so normalized. My husband and I used to be able to enjoy going to Chipotle and spending $10 for a burrito that would give us one healthy food baby. We could even afford twins on date night. It’s crazy that we’re supposed to just be okay with this. It’s not the lifestyle we were raised to expect.”

Sarah Thomas, an acclaimed Economic Sociologist, shared an expert take on what this trend means for the population.

“This is another concerning trend we’ve been tracking amidst worsening inflation and job loss,” said Thomas. “I’m surprised but glad to see government agencies are finally recognizing it for the issue that it is. We’ve had our eyes on food baby trends for a while. Things in the ‘90s were so good, even kids were having food babies. Social trends change all the time based on the economy, so it made sense when the trend shifted a little so that only parents were having food babies. But now? Only the ultra-rich have the ability. It’s not right. The average American should be able to eat an entire pizza, become food baby pregnant that night, and then give birth to a healthy pizza baby first thing in the morning.”

At press time, government officials announced they are setting up a task force to get to the bottom of this crisis, and they assured the public it will place blame on citizens.

Goddamnit: New Friend Just Referred to COVID-19 Vaccine as “The Jab”

Posted on July 19, 2026July 15, 2026 by Steve Packosky

Ugh, of fucking course. You can’t just make a nice, normal friend, can you? As if meeting new people in your thirties isn’t difficult enough on its own, you have to go ahead and attract every dipshit the right-wing ecosystem has deemed fit to create and shoot in your direction. Case in point: Andrew, the ostensibly cool dude you met at the Testament show last week, just referred to the COVID-19 vaccine as “the jab”.

Goddamnit. Maybe he just casually refers to them as such for no reason in particular? Hmmm, highly unlikely. It’s doubtful that there’s a single recorded case in all of human history of someone who’s not a gullible, anti-vax idiot unironically using that phrase. Plus, he just tossed it out while you two were discussing how your favorite metal venue started hosting shows again at the tail-end of the pandemic. To quote him directly: “I really wanted to go to the Cattle Decapitation show back in 2021, but you needed to have gotten ‘the jab’ to get in”. There’s really no way around it.

But fuck, man, he seemed really cool, otherwise. You both talked to some dude at the show last week wearing that Municipal Waste shirt with a picture of Trump blowing his brains out, and he didn’t seem bothered at all by that, so you just kind of assumed he was liberal or, at the very least, completely apolitical. Maybe he’s just a really big Jenny McCarthy fan, or something? Is there a way to casually mention to him that extensive clinical trials and ongoing monitoring of hundreds of millions of cases proved, without a doubt, that the COVID-19 vaccine is extremely safe and effective, and serious adverse effects were so rare as to be completely diminished by the risk of worse issues caused by the disease itself? No, too late. The conversation has already switched to whether the Pirates have what it takes to make the playoffs. And yeah, Brandon Lowe’s contract should definitely be extended. Fuck.

Alright, better just let it slide, unless a new red flag shows itself. It is his body, after all, and it’s not like your friendship is based on epidemiology. There are myriad topics you two see eye-to-eye on, so maybe focus on those. Just be on the lookout for any other sketchy comments.

Oof, he just said that it’s a good thing we attacked Iran, and these high gas prices are a small price to pay for the peace of mind that comes with attacking the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism. Maybe it’s time to find another friend.

Millennial Struggles To Explain What a DVD-ROM Was

Posted on July 19, 2026July 15, 2026 by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Exasperated millennial Mitch Kurtz struggled to define “DVD-ROM,” a piece of portable technology popular in the 2000s, sources reported.

“Let me try this one last time. A ‘DVD’ is a disc you insert into a player, like how a VCR played a VHS. Wait, that’s not helpful. OK, you know how people stream movies? A DVD was like that, except it was physical and shaped like a donut and only played one movie,” the flustered Kurtz said. “So you insert this disc, and a movie pops up on a screen. You with me? Well, sometimes a movie didn’t show up. Sometimes it was data, like files and photos and stuff. That’s a DVD-ROM. Hmm? No, we didn’t stare at files on big screens like watching a movie in a theater. You know what a movie theater is, right? Hmmm. OK, once upon a time we had to see new movies in a secluded room with strangers. Yes, this was seen as normal. It’s like how you weren’t supposed to get in cars with strangers, but now there’s Uber. Basically, society shifted its creepers from dark rooms to cars. I guess that’s progress. What were we talking about? DVD-ROMs? I gotta tap out. I can’t start over again.”

The younger generations had no clue what Kurtz was trying to say.

“My older cousin tried for dear life to explain it to me, even though I never once asked about it,” said 24-year-old Taylor Rayworth before checking their phone to get the definition. “He was going on and on about how a DVD-ROM could hold movies while a CD-ROM could not, except when CD-ROMs did. So, CDs held music, but you didn’t call a music CD a CD-ROM, because a CD-ROM was what you put in a computer, while a CD was what you put in a Walkman, but not the Walkmans that took cassettes. Or something like that. Safe to say I had no follow-up questions for him.”

Experts also struggled to define the optical storage disc.

“Confusing naming conventions in tech date back to when floppy discs were square, not round, and also not floppy,” said Tara Byet, curator for the Computer History Museum in Mountain View, California. “Simply defining ‘DVD-ROM’ only scratches the surface. Subtypes included DVD-RAM, DVD-R, DVD+R, DVD-RW, and you know what? I don’t get paid enough to spend 11 hours explaining this. Nonetheless, those were somehow simpler times.”

As of press time, everyone agreed DVD commentaries were fucking rad.

Hegseth to Personally Test Erection Strength of Each Soldier

Posted on July 18, 2026 by Doug Kolic

WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.

“The only way we’re gonna have a better fighting force than Russia or China is by making sure our dicks are way harder than theirs,” said Hegseth, already a few beers in by noon. “In addition to testing for low testosterone, this new measure will guarantee that only the firmest, stiffest, and most robust cocks are entrusted to fight for Uncle Sam. Just like I used to do with my squad in the National Guard, I will be personally tasked with going barrack-to-barrack at unannounced times, like when they sleep, to test the speed and duration of each soldier’s stiffy. Welcome to the new warrior culture. Oorah!”

Infantryman Kyle Lubowsky was surprised by this announcement.

“I’m all for having a powerful military, but I’m not quite sure having the Secretary do hand stuff to us is the right way to go,” said Lubowsky. “How would that even work? Most of the time, we’re exhausted from doing combat drills or endurance runs, so I don’t think checking how our penis works afterwards would be an accurate representation of our stamina. Maybe they can take the cost of these programs and put it towards something a bit more useful, like better support for our mental health or fixing the widespread toxic mold in our housing. But sure, I guess getting a hard-on while we bomb Iran is important too.”

Military Analyst Casper Ferrero explained that these protocols were just the tip of the iceberg.

“It’s very clear that this current administration will be holding its troops to vastly different standards than in the past,” stated Ferrero. “Not only are they testing for things such as hormone levels and pecker strength, but Hegseth is planning to only promote soldiers with the broadest shoulders and most chiseled jawlines, the latter requiring a mandibular angle within the range of 120–130 degrees. He’ll also reportedly be issuing dishonorable discharges for any fighter who gets hornier for photos of Scooby‑Doo’s Velma over the ‘way hotter’ Daphne.”

At press time, Hegseth also announced mandated circle jerks prior to combat, which he would supervise to weed out the soldiers who went limp first.

Opinion: Birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships Are Ruining This Country

Posted on July 18, 2026July 15, 2026 by Nathan Kamal

Okay, I know it, and you know it, and all the patriots on a Subreddit which I would rather not specify know it: America is at a crossroads. This once proud nation is facing a crisis like none other. One that will leave our children as impoverished minorities without access to the basic necessities of life, entertainment, and valuable prizes. I’ll tell it like it is, if no one else will: birthright Dave & Busters Rewards Memberships are ruining this country.

I don’t care what you bleeding-heart liberal so-called Dave & Buster Rewards Members have to cry about. Just because the bylaws of Dave & Busters, as enforced by their proud private equity investors Hill Path Capital, BlackRock, and the noble Vanguard group, state that any child born on D&B grounds automatically has a lifetime Rewards Membership doesn’t mean that is right or proper. It’s just a Deep State scheme to take hard-earned Game Chips™ out of the mouths of true patriots!

Sure, this may have made sense all the way back in 1866, when David Bryant Jefferson and Bustamore “Buster” Morris founded their eponymous restaurant chain as a way to move a shipload of cholera-tainted punch and rancid chicken wings. But that was then, and this is now. If they knew what their syphilis-addled minds had wrought, I am sure that would be as full of seething hatred as my rants to strangers at the D&B’s Mega Sports Bar.

Our country is being overrun by alleged D&B Rewards members who suckle at the teat of the Power Card program, dilute the value of the Summer Season Savings Pass (the only unit of currency worth a damn these days) and hog all the good games like John Wick Continental Pursuit.

Our country will not survive if we continue to do the exact same thing that we have done for decades without any significant economic impact. The only thing we can possibly do is to strip membership from anyone who was born on the air-hockey table in the Burbank Dave & Busters.

My god, have none of you people ever even heard of air-hockey birth tourism?

My father was a D&B Rewards Member. My grandfather was a D&B Rewards Member. My great-grandfather was shot by Bustamore “Buster” Morris over a lawn bowling dispute in which he tried to substitute a large, specially weighted mussel shell for his bowl, but I feel that should still count. I came by my D&B Rewards Membership the white way. I mean, right way.

How long can our country survive if we allow D&B Rewards to be flooded by strangers bused over from Main Event so their kids can reap the benefits that should only belong to people I personally know and approve of? Birthright D&B Rewards Memberships were a mistake in 1866, and they are a mistake now, unless there is some kind of previously unknown associated bylaw that would grandfather me in back to 1866 and max out my Game Chips™.

If so, it has my full support.

Man With Free Moment of Peace Decides To Ruin It By Scrolling X

Posted on July 18, 2026July 15, 2026 by Jesse Kubanet

CLEVELAND — Local man Johnathan Maxwell was enjoying an unseasonably beautiful day in Lincoln Park before he decided to completely ruin a rare moment of peace by taking out his phone and scrolling X, confirmed sources who tried to warn him but to no avail.

“I can’t explain why I decided to do it, but I guess self-sabotage is no joke,” said Maxwell, whose mood went from jovial to downtrodden in seconds after watching a video of Nazi’s marching through a quinceañera. “I had one free moment of peace, uninterrupted by work or life’s obligations, and I felt somehow drawn to open up my phone and look at some of the most racist and sexist shit anyone could ever see. It’s like my brain craved online trolls and there was nothing I could do to counteract it. This isn’t the first time Groypers ruined my mental health and it probably won’t be the last.”

Julia Arnold was also seen in the park, reading a novel peacefully on a blanket handmade by her grandmother in the 1950s, when she also decided to open her phone and ruin a perfectly fine afternoon.

“It was Instagram for me,” said Arnold. “I was in the middle of ‘Stoner,’ an incredible novel by John Williams when I decided to check a text message. Next thing I knew I was scrolling AI slop stories for 47 uninterrupted minutes and getting uncontrollably irritated. I knew I had to get back to reality when I got sucked into a rabbit hole of arguments about whether or not Michelle Obama was male or female.”

Dr. Jonah Berger, an expert on viral content and social influence at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, explained why we feel so compelled to check our phones and ruin a perfectly fine moment of peace and solitude.

“Medically speaking, our brains are absolutely fucked,” Dr. Berger began. “They’re fucked rotten. These bricks in our pockets have completely ruined us from being able to sit with ourselves for one fucking moment and take in one fucking second of peace and fucking quiet. We have to take our phones and scroll aimlessly, or we will die. At least, that’s what our stupid brains have been trained to believe.”

At press time, a group of parents was seen scrolling through TikTok and secret dating apps while their children played a soccer game on a beautiful day, and one father missed his daughter’s first goal because he was arguing on Reddit about a golf tournament in Saudi Arabia.

Donald Trump Accuses China of Shitting His Pants

Posted on July 17, 2026July 17, 2026 by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has accused China of shitting his pants in addition to interfering in the 2020 presidential election, repulsed sources report.

“After the People’s Republic of China carried out the largest compromise of election data in history, they have gone on to shit the pants that I am currently wearing,” Trump addressed the nation in a follow-up to Thursday night’s televised speech. “That’s right, after they illicitly acquired 220 million voter files containing names, addresses, and political parties, they somehow found a way to infiltrate my high-end Brioni wide-legged suit trousers and fill them with a steaming pile of foul-smelling, liquid excrement, the likes of which the world has never seen. This is an unprecedented security nightmare both for the integrity of our elections and for the staffers who will be tasked with cleaning me after I conclude this speech.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt reinforced Trump’s assertion.

“The media has refused to acknowledge that tens of millions of Americans share the President’s concerns about elections and the feces currently escaping his underwear and dribbling down his legs,” Leavitt said. “I am well aware that, in addition to rigging the results of the 2020 election, China has found a way to shit his pants, and the documents compiled by our top intelligence agency chiefs and released to the public prove this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Everything he said is backed by facts and evidence that has been painstakingly collected, and unless Congress passes the SAVE America Act, China will be able to meddle in the midterm elections, as well as shit in the President’s pants, once again.”

Trump voter Adam Brecelli reacted to the revelation.

“I’ve been hearing for years that China has been interloping in our elections,” Brecelli noted. “However, I had no idea they were shitting Donald Trump’s pants, too. How are they even able to do that? It’s amazing how far ahead of us they got technologically during those four years we had that Socialist crook Joe Biden in office. Now we can’t trust our elections, and we also can’t trust that our President doesn’t have his pants completely filled with shit at any given time. I just hope we can get everything fixed before November, otherwise we’ll be completely screwed.

At press time, Donald Trump had also accused China of putting his name in the Epstein files thousands of times.

Buckcherry Merch Guy Thinks He Might’ve Found a Shirt Without Any Scabies on It if You’re Still Interested

Posted on July 17, 2026July 17, 2026 by Steve Packosky

WEST FARGO, N.D. — Roger Heasley, the merch guy for rock band Buckcherry, wants you to know that he thinks he found a shirt that doesn’t have any scabies on it if you’re still interested.

“Wait, this one might be clean,” Heasley reported from the bottom of a pile of shirts. “Yeah, it doesn’t look like it has any scabies crawling around it like the others did. Are you still interested? It’s an XXL, and I know you were looking for a Medium, but honestly, it’ll shrink in the wash if you’re the type of person who does laundry. It’s a Gildan, so it’s not like any size would fit you well anyway. The design is really cool, too, with a naked girl covered in tattoos. I guess I didn’t really notice how much I liked it until I saw it without tiny arachnids scurrying around on its surface. I might just snatch it up for myself if you’re not going to take it.”

You reacted to Heasley’s news.

“Wait, he was able to find one that wasn’t infected with pubic mites?” you questioned as you headed back to the merch table. “I’ll have to take a look at it, because I find that hard to believe. I’m surprised I’m the first person here to have a problem with that, but everyone else in line seemed pretty unfazed by the widespread infection. Granted, I was the only person who didn’t have dried vomit on my shirt, but still. I would’ve thought these people would draw the line at vermin-covered merch. I couldn’t have been more wrong, though.”

Buckcherry singer Josh Todd was in disbelief that a piece of his band’s tour merch could be untouched by the affliction.

“Dude, there’s no way we have a shirt without scabies on it,” Todd admitted. “I think we all collectively caught it from the glory hole in that truck stop outside Flagstaff, and that was only on the second day of the tour. Frankly, I’m surprised we lasted an entire day without scabies on this run. That must be some kind of record for us. This is the strongest strain I’ve seen, too. I swear they’re evolving, because I saw one of them walking around my pubes on two feet yesterday.”

At press time, Heasley had clarified that the absence of scabies did not necessarily mean the shirt was devoid of all sexually transmitted infections.

Theater-Goer Shocked as Tiny Men Emerge From ‘The Odyssey’ Popcorn Bucket

Posted on July 17, 2026 by Brian Rubinow

LOS ANGELES — Local theater-goer Glen Davis received the shock of his life during a recent screening of “The Odyssey,” when a hatch in his Trojan Horse-shaped popcorn bucket opened up and a battalion of tiny armored men emerged, witnesses reported.

“I had just sat down to enjoy Christopher Nolan’s latest masterpiece in 70-mm IMAX, the way it was meant to be seen, but before Nicole Kidman could even declare that heartbreak feels good in a place like this, I’m being invaded like I’m freakin’ Troy!” said Davis, who was hoping to enjoy some popcorn during the film. “At least I still get to take home this cool novelty popcorn bucket, I suppose. It’ll look nice next to my Dune ‘Shai-Hulud’ popcorn bucket, which did not come with a tiny Timothée Chalamet, I might add.”

The tiny men, standing about four inches tall and clad in black metallic armor, rushed out of the popcorn bucket and immediately started invading the Americana at Brand AMC 18.

“For Greece! For glory! Onward, men!” said the leader of the tiny battalion, later identified as Tiny Odysseus. “Tomorrow we begin the long journey home, but today we fight! Although we may be trapped in this dark, giant-filled cave that is throwing strange lights and images on the wall, we shall persevere. Nothing can come between my men and– Oh hey, is that ‘Minions & Monsters’? Cool! I hope it’s in 3D.”

The frustrations among those watching the film were not shared by concession stand employee Colin Pretsch, who sold Davis the popcorn bucket prior to the film.

“Why are people always so shocked when this happens? Don’t they know the story? It’s only thousands of years old,” Pretsch said while refilling the cherry vanilla syrup in the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine. “I know no one reads anymore, but still, it’s one of the most famous stories of all time. I realize this is the first time any of our popcorn buckets have contained something other than popcorn, but hey, you get what you pay for. Which reminds me, can I interest you in a Popcorn Pass?”

At press time, the tiny men were seen rushing into a Sephora store to take advantage of all the free samples.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News