15 Hardcore Bands Ranked by How Much They’d Improve Your Wedding Reception

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Unless it’s your wedding, most receptions suck worse than running out of vegan protein powder on leg day. Sure, a wedding reception presents endless opportunities to discuss straight edge veganism and HIIT training with every out-of-shape, alcoholic, beef eater in sight, but where are the breakdowns? Why aren’t there circle pits? Or weird body smells from a guy legally named Blood Pressure?

Your friends and family are excited to celebrate your quasi-religious tax shelter ceremony, but if you’re serious about getting them on the dance floor, you’ll need several sweaty bald men in basketball jerseys half-shouting about overcoming obstacles. Lucky for you, the wedding experts at The Hard Times are prepared to give your sex-condoning celebration the brass knuckles it needs. Get ready to cover the reception hall in the blood of your elders because here are the top 15 hardcore bands ranked by how much they’d improve your wedding reception!

15. Converge

Putting Converge at number 15 seems counterintuitive, but the wedding band should never outshine the couple. If you pick Jacob and the boys, you have to understand someone will post the ceremony on their Instagram story for everyone pregaming in the reception parking lot. Seeing Converge in the place you also went to prom is ultimately more important than the procession that says you can legally go apple picking now.

But booking Converge to play your wedding will be a 164% improvement over hiring your creepy cousin to DJ the party. Your grandma will flip tables when the opening notes of “Dark Horse” rip through everyone’s cummerbund. DJ Greg on the other hand will leave in handcuffs for an unrelated bench warrant before the first dance. Hope you brought your old iPod so you can play your “Dance Party ‘09” playlist!

14. Earth Crisis

Nothing will make your guests feel more relaxed and comfortable than the pummeling riffs of a militant vegan straight edge band. No chicken piccata will go unshamed! No toast will go unlectured! The vibes of your reception will be positively North Korean, and your friends and family will be better for it. Everyone in attendance could use a serious dose of self-discipline, and who better to shame your guests into living a better life than the band your aunt will keep calling Metallica?

13. Kublai Khan

Booking Kublai Khan will guarantee the Knights of Columbus you’ve rented burns to the ground. Your in-laws will never let you forget how the wedding party went feral during “Theory of Mind”—which is ultimately fine because Mickey and Lou have enough in savings to cover the generational damage done to that plot of land. As a wedding band, Kublai Khan’s pummeling riffs and frequent expletives demonstrate the fragility of love in a way that only a band from Texas named after a Yuan dynasty emperor can.

Fun fact: Marco Polo allegedly served in the real Kublai Khan’s court for almost seventeen years.
Double fun fact: Your encyclopedic recitation of history is exactly what will one day push your partner away for good.

12. The Hope Conspiracy

Until recently, booking Hope Con for your wedding was about as likely as seeing your cool aunt talking to your MAGA grandparents. But rejoice! The Hope Conspiracy is back even if
Grandma and Grandpa refuse to accept Aunt Sarah’s wife. Word on the street is that the band’s hiatus has them playing with the speed and ferocity of a much younger band–which is probably better for the wedding night than it is the wedding gig… But we’re sure you won’t complain when your step-brother-in-law Stephen Parker III gets his nose broken during “Animal Farm”!

11. The Bled

Break out your orthotic Vans and dressiest skinny jeans to witness a god-tier wedding band in style. And be sure to wear your best carabiner with a black and white checkered blazer, or everyone will think you listen to ‘00s New York garage rock. I mean, The Strokes were cool, but were they cooler than The Bled? No, but now that I think of it… having a stroke is definitely worse than just bleeding–unless the bleeding is really embarrassing. Like ass blood. Or if you’re pissing blood out of your ass. That’s definitely worse. Be sure to see a doctor after the reception.

10. Dying Wish

You might mistake this band for the venue’s wait staff, but they’ll be too busy breaking bottles and playing sternum-crushing breakdowns to take drink orders. Which is fine because your uncle has only been off the sauce for a few months. It will do him some good chasing around a group of heavily-tattooed youngsters in an attempt to treat himself to a secret beer. Closest thing he’ll get to it is watching 6 or 7 hardcore bands playing in front of a “Support the Troops!” Bud Light banner. And if he moshes? Even better! Lock Dying Wish down to play your wedding, and you could legitimately save a problem-drinking, upper-middle-aged man’s life.

9. ZULU

Booking Zulu means that you understand your bio dad is going to fist fight your step dad in the parking lot no matter what. So, if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen to the chaotic hellblasts of a band named after a Black South African resistance army. If marriage is a war of attrition, the reception should be tonally similar because it’s important to have healthy expectations. A quick word of advice: if you’re booking ZULU, be sure to sign a prenup. You have nothing, and in all likelihood will also have nothing later. But, what if your partner asks for half of your stick and poke tattoos in the divorce? Can you afford to lose any more skin?

8. SeeYouSpaceCowboy

This band will make you feel like you’re young and single even though you’re probably 6-7 years past what even your grandma would consider young. And frankly, that’s the least of your worries, buddy. This marriage is the best thing you’ve got going. If you take care of business here, your prospects are few and far between. Yeah, your merch, vinyl, and live show screenprint collection are nice, but that thing on your back is scary. So, let’s celebrate the official end of your eligibility with gnarly breakdowns played in the key of early-aughts nostalgia. Besides bringing heavy jams to your reception SeeYouSpaceCowboy are well known for their thoughtful gift-giving. That 14-piece horror movie dinnerware set? They pitched in and bought it for you.

7. Terror

Sometimes, weddings are just too much pomp and circumstance. We highly recommend keeping it simple and booking Terror. And as long as you don’t set the band at the kids’ table, there is no way your niece and nephew will get stomach tattoos on the playground. This school year. Plus, having Terror at your reception means you can have a bench press contest where the “Cha Cha Slide” used to be. Your grandparents will hold the bets. They’ll promise not to skim so much you can’t go to Jersey City for your honeymoon, but I’d be sure to count everything twice.

6. Soul Glo

Soul Glo is a crowd pleaser. They’re the perfect band for your aunt that loves NPR’s Tiny Desk concerts and your new brother-in-law that always seems to be on probation. But at no point should you let the two of these people meet because they will leave the reception together. And trust us, they are going to have the rawest sex in recorded human history.

You think your family’s weird now? Wait until J Money is not only your wife’s sister but also her uncle-in-law. That would also make your aunt your sister-in–law. That will be fun to explain when your kid has to make a family tree in third grade.

5. Gouge Away

Hiring a band that sounds like hardcore from the year you and your newly betrothed started dating is a great way to honor your 27-year engagement. The first time you rubbed your sweaty armpits together in a mosh pit, you knew you had finally met THE ONE. But if you love one another, why such a long engagement? Well, you both needed the better part of three decades to be sure it was right because unresolved childhood trauma made you both indecisive people-pleasers. Your love is probably absolute, but even if it’s not, you’ll never get divorced anyway. If you did, you’d be like your parents, and parents bad. So, listen to this 90s-inspired hardcore band and cherish the fact that you’d rather live in denial than work through your own shit. Cheers!

4. Jesus Piece

The only thing more intense than your fajita shits is the libido spike you get when your soon-to-be husband blasts Jesus Piece in the bedroom. When those riffs start flying, you know cheeks are about to get clapped. And wouldn’t it be great to share the sensual howls of an unhinged madman and his friends with everyone in your extended family? By the time the dollar dance is over, the wedding photos will look like they were ripped from the pages of National Geographic. The dance floor of your local conservation club never had it so good.

3. Evergreen Terrace

Sometimes a cover band is the best way to elevate your reception which is why you should book Evergreen Terrace to play the “Writer’s Block” album in its entirety. Weddings are hard, and everyone loves a cover band. Not you. Everyone else, though. If a U2 cover will make your mom happy, who are you to tell her she can’t slug back a healthy glass of Two Buck Chuck while listening to Bono and The Edge? But who says the band has to suck? Evergreen Terrace will be rattling and humming the walls of your rural community church basement with chaotic hardcore energy. Trust us, you’ll never regret giving your mom the chance to yell, “‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” halfway through “Sunday Bloody Sunday”.

2. Hatebreed

No band is better for reminding a couple the seriousness of their vows than Hatebreed. And if you think that Jamey Jasta is gonna let the two of you stray from your vows, boy are you wrong. This man will take your marital promises to his own grave. If you have a fight or even think about straying from your relationship for a second, a sweaty, basketball-shorted Jasta will burst out of the corner of the room and set you straight with a series of inspirational shouts. When you’re booking Hatebreed, you’ll gain a lifetime marital counselor that’s sure to turn your shitty snoozefest of a wedding reception into a violent mass of heaving optimism!

1. Knocked Loose

If the chicken dance makes you want to throat punch your aunt, and the “Cha Cha Slide” gives you uncontrollable diarrhea, Knocked Loose is the cure for your wedding ills. Sure, physical safety and the ability to reconnect with relatives is nice to have at a reception, but do you really care what your cousin from Stamford does for a living? Nope! And neither does she! So grab a breadstick, kick your stepbrother in the nuts, and join a wedding party wall of death the local newspapers will never stop covering. Why even have a first dance if it doesn’t go “Arf, Arf!”? Whether it’s “Counting Worms” or “Piece By Piece,” hiring Knocked Loose to play your wedding reception will make sure everyone has a good time. But be reasonable and be sure you have a first aid kit and trained first responders on the premises because all grandmas are crowd killers.

A final piece of technical advice: don’t let the band set up their merch table by the buffet because the merch guy always ends up eating a little with just his dirty, little fingers.

And while our wedding reception advice may seem unconventional–maybe that’s why we’ve been divorced multiple times–but our receptions have never been lame.

Lars Ulrich Threatens to End Metallica if Other Band Members Keep Missing His Sweet Jumps off Diving Board

Posted on by Chris Bratton

MIAMI — Longtime Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was seen threatening to break up the band if his fellow bandmates continued to miss him jumping off the diving board, confirmed sources who called his bluff.

“It’s outrageously embarrassing to completely destroy a sick belly flop or one of those jumps where you keep running mid-air after already going off the diving board, and then you come up for air and look over to see none of your bandmates are acknowledging your aquatic skills,” Ulrich complained. “I also told Hetfield to pick me up some Dr. Peppers and he came back with some store brand commoner bullshit called Dr. Riffic like I don’t work hard and earn the good stuff. Almost ended the band after that incident too. Oh, and when I wanted to play tetherball, they were suddenly all too busy relaxing in the cabana, being snooze-fests. That’s grounds for dissolving the band too. Let’s just say I almost nixed Metallica 12 times this week over various offenses.”

Lifeguard Brian Marino was visibly annoyed after jumping in to save what he believed was a drowning victim at the time.

“I saw a bunch of thrashing around and flailing, and dove in straight away. When I swam over it was a 60-year-old man, he made a shushing motion and whispered something about how he was trying to get Kirk Hammett to jump in and save him. Then he asked me if I saw him rip a cannonball and how big the splash was,” Marino explained. “He needs to learn that if he’s going to act like this then there would be consequences. I told him he needed to take the swim test again if he wanted to stay in the deep end. He told me to fuck off then spent an hour on the phone with his awyer trying to get the pool facilities closed down.”

Family therapist Michelle McCoy compared internal band relationships with family dynamics.

“Sometimes the role of the youngest child is used to act out against others in your band,” said McCoy. “I gave Lars a deep breathing exercise to calm down during a tantrum. But when he would try to count to 10, he would instinctively start air drumming after one, two, three, four. I haven’t seen such dysfunction since trying to moderate board game night between Simon and Garfunkel.”

While Metallica still remains together, there is a worry that a band trip to Disneyland next week could put an irreconcilable strain on the band.

We Tried to Interview the Bears From the Charmin Commercials, but They Wouldn’t Stop Talking About Their Assholes

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know the feeling: you’re sitting down with a big, sloppy chicken parm sandwich to revisit an old episode of Chopped when the commercials start. The light goes out of your eyes as you watch the timer slowly tick down the 120 seconds, cursing yourself for being too cheap to shell out the extra ten bucks a month for Hulu Premium as anthropomorphic bears rattle on incessantly about how they’re constantly shitting their collective brains out.

Are they really that one-dimensional, or is there something more to these bowel-moving Berenstain ripoffs than meets the eye? We recently sat down with them to find out.

The Hard Times: Hi everyone, how are you all doing?

Father Bear: We’re doing great, thanks to new Charmin Ultra Strong!

Son Bear: You bet! My hiney has never felt this clean!

HT: Oh…cool. Well, we’ve really been looking forward to this interview. It’s not every day that you get to interact with bears that can speak like humans. Do you know if there are other bears like you?

Mother Bear: Well, I can guarantee you no other bears have bottoms as clean as ours, thanks to Charmin.

Daughter Bear: You’ve sure got that right, Mom!

HT: Ugh, fine. Well, the fact that we’re speaking with you actually raises a pretty deep question about the nature of perception. Aristotle famously opined that the ability to reason and reflect is what separates human consciousness from that of animals. The fact that I’m able to have this conversation with you, however, completely upends such an assertion. When did you realize that you had this remarkable ability to not only rationally perceive of your positions in your respective environments, but to communicate openly with human beings?

FB: When I was stranded in the bathroom with single-ply TP! It was terrible!

MB: Oh yes, I remember that, dear! Luckily, I had just returned home with a Mega Roll of Charmin Ultra Gentle.

FB: I was able to get my bottom Charmin-clean with no chafing!

HT: Jesus Christ. Well, we honestly can’t even humor you on this subject. We just had a bidet installed in our office, and —

DB: What the fuck did you just say?

HT: Uh, we haven’t really needed to spring on name-brand toilet paper since we got a bidet.

FB: Are you fucking kidding me? We wouldn’t have signed onto this interview if we knew it was being conducted by pretentious bidet users! I’ve never been so furious in my life!

MB: Oh no, look what you’ve done. I can’t say you motherfuckers don’t deserve it.

HT: Wait, what?

SB: Get ‘em, Dad!

FB: RAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!

At that point we hurried the fuck out of their weird, animated house with a gigantic, red-furred bear hot on our trail. Luckily he had this goofy-ass gait using only his hind legs, so we managed to escape pretty easily. Better luck next time, we guess.

Name Officially Added to Contact List After Three Years of Friendship

Posted on by Julien Perez

ELK GROVE, Calif. — Local man Ron Gibbard finally added buddy Jake Monroe to his contact list on his phone despite three years of friendship and countless text conversations, confirmed sources.

“There are only so many times I can ask whose number this is after I get a text from him, so I decided to add Jake to my list of half a dozen contacts,” said Gibbard while messaging “sorry, just seeing this now” on his phone. “It’s just a hassle I don’t want to deal with when I get a text from a new number. Apple makes it so needlessly complicated. You have to tap their number to find the ‘info’ button and God forbid you accidentally call them. Then you’re suddenly forced to pretend like you meant to call them or that it was a butt dial, even though you haven’t been able to convincingly use that excuse since 2011. Either way, it’s humiliating.”

Monroe was dumbfounded and noticeably upset when he heard of the news.

“He’s just now adding my name? That’s messed up, man,” said Monroe. “We’ve been through so much together. I’ve said shit to him I’ve only ever said to my closest friends. He was the best man at my wedding for chrissakes! Not only that, he’s my emergency contact on all my important documents. Plus, I heard my grandma is an official contact in his phone, despite them only talking to each other once in their entire lives. I don’t get it.”

Dr. Linda Blackwell, a sociologist at Stanford and author of “Lazy Pieces of Shit,” believes Gibbard might have some sort of disorder.

“It’s common for people to avoid difficult situations. Sure, for normal people adding a person’s identity to their phone number moments after exchanging information can be simple but for others it’s on par with asking them to renew their car registration,” said Dr. Blackwell. “They would rather pass on this discomfort to a future version of themselves, hoping along the way their nascent maturity will finally overcome this mental roadblock allowing them to have the strength to face their problems head on, even though deep down they know they will never change and the only way to truly change is to actively make efforts to fix these flaws. No one ever fixes their own flaws though. That’s just human nature.”

At press time, Gibbard finally accepted Monroe’s friend request on Facebook after ignoring the request for three years.

John Hughes Characters Ranked by Their Likelihood of Pushing an MLM Scheme

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Filmmaker John Hughes gifted us with a cinematic tapestry where children, teens, and adults navigated the tumultuous waters of school, careers, love, family, and self-discovery. But what if, instead of fighting off The Wet Bandits or trying to get home for Thanksgiving, those lovable, quirky, and flawed characters stumble into the world of multi-level marketing and Ponzi schemes? From angsty teens to overworked parents, we’re here to rank the most memorable of Hughes’ iconic characters by how likely they are to trade in their morals for a shot at pushing dubious products on everyone they know.

23. Cameron Frye (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

His reserved nature, introverted personality, and focus on personal integrity would deter him from participating in ventures that involve aggressive sales tactics or dubious promises of financial success. However, Cameron’s deep sense of loyalty might allow a friend or family member to pressure him to invest in a scheme without actually participating. Probable MLM Choice: Alternative Energy

22. Brian Johnson (The Breakfast Club)

Brian, the brainy character from “The Breakfast Club,” is deeply focused on academic achievement and intellectual pursuits. Brian’s pragmatic and logical approach to life would likely make him skeptical of MLM schemes, which often rely on emotional appeals and exaggerated promises rather than empirical evidence. His preference for concrete facts and his cautious nature would lead him to scrutinize the practicality and viability of MLM opportunities. Probable MLM Choice: Importing/Exporting

21. Allison Reynolds (The Breakfast Club)

Allison is the quirky and enigmatic character from “The Breakfast Club” known for her unconventional behavior and unique perspective on life. Her eccentric personality and tendency to march to the beat of her own drum suggest that she might entertain the idea of exploring unconventional products and lifestyles, which some MLM schemes often promote. However, Allison’s introverted nature and lack of interest in conforming to societal norms would likely hinder her ability to actively participate in MLM activities. Probable MLM Choice: Eco-Friendly Wellness Products

20. Gary Wallace (Weird Science)

Gary might find himself moderately inclined towards participating in an MLM scheme, likely focusing on tech gadgets or innovative products. His curiosity and interest in experimenting with new ideas could make him open to exploring and promoting niche products within the MLM industry. However, his practical nature and the challenges of salesmanship might temper his enthusiasm. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Gadgets

19. Jack Butler (Mr. Mom)

Jack is practical and down-to-earth. While he might attend an MLM meeting out of curiosity, he’s too grounded to get swept up in the hype. His experience with managing a household and raising kids has taught him the value of hard work and authenticity. Jack is a man who thrives on genuine human connections and real, tangible results. He’s likely to see through the flashy presentations and empty promises of MLM schemes. Probable MLM Choice: Household Cleaning Products

18. Neal Page (Planes, Trains and Automobiles)

A high-strung advertising executive who might get dragged into an MLM to relieve some stress. His cautious nature and background in a more traditional corporate environment would make him approach any MLM opportunity with significant reservations, carefully analyzing the risks before making any commitments. Ultimately, Neal’s involvement would be cautious and calculated but ultimately drain his savings and explode in his face. Probable MLM Choice: Leadership Training

17. Jefferson “Jake” Edward Briggs (She’s Having a Baby)

Jake’s character in “She’s Having a Baby” is portrayed as a young man navigating the transition to adulthood and the pressures that come with it. While he displays a level-headed and responsible demeanor, Jake is also depicted as someone who values traditional aspirations and stability. This cautious approach to life may make him hesitant to engage in MLM schemes, which often require a higher risk tolerance and a willingness to challenge conventional career paths. Jake might cautiously explore MLM opportunities, albeit with a critical eye. Probable MLM Choice: Health Supplements

16. Wyatt Donnelly (Weird Science)

Wyatt’s tech-savvy skills and innovative thinking, as evidenced by his creation of Lisa, the perfect woman, suggest he has the capability to be attracted to unconventional ideas. Wyatt’s initial hesitation and moral compass might initially deter him, but his curiosity and desire for social acceptance could eventually lead him to explore MLM opportunities. He might find himself intrigued by innovations in science and technology, potentially seeing MLM as a way to showcase his inventions or ideas to others. However, his introverted nature would make him less effective in the MLM sales environment compared to others. Probable MLM Choice: Tech Industry Startups

15. Sloane Peterson (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

Sloane might find herself intrigued by the allure of MLM schemes, primarily due to her charm and ability to network effortlessly. Her socialite status and knack for influencing others could make her a natural fit for promoting lifestyle products or beauty items within the MLM industry. However, Sloane’s discerning taste and practical mindset might also make her skeptical of quick-money schemes. She would excel in bringing people together for MLM events and parties. Probable MLM Choice: Swarovski Crystal

14. Samantha Baker (Sixteen Candles)

Samantha’s romantic idealism and sensitive nature could lead her to believe in the transformative power of the products she sells, such as skincare or wellness items. Samantha’s desire to make meaningful connections and her willingness to explore alternative paths might align well with the community-focused aspects of MLMs. However, her initial hesitation and ethical considerations could moderate her involvement, keeping her likelihood slightly below maximum. Probable MLM Choice: Skincare Products

13. John Bender (The Breakfast Club)

Bender’s rebellious nature and keen awareness of authority structures would make him see MLMs as just another system to exploit. He would participate fully aware of the Ponzi scheme nature of it, enjoying the thrill of bending the rules and seeing how much he could get away with. However, his disdain for authority and the establishment would keep him from fully committing, often leaving a trail of chaos in his wake rather than any real success. Probable MLM Choice: Adult Erotic Toys

12. Clark Griswold (National Lampoon’s Vacation)

Clark Griswold’s unwavering optimism and his relentless pursuit of the American Dream could easily lead him down the MLM rabbit hole. Ever the family man, Clark’s desire to provide the best for his loved ones and his penchant for get-rich-quick schemes make him a prime candidate for MLM pitches. His tendency to dive headfirst into ill-advised adventures without fully understanding the consequences would see him embracing an MLM with enthusiasm, convinced he could achieve financial success and finally fund the perfect family vacation. However, his lack of attention to detail and overly trusting nature might allow him to be taken advantage of and lose everything. Probable MLM Choice: Insurance Packages

11. Andie Walsh (Pretty In Pink)

With her independent streak and determination, could easily find herself drawn into an MLM scheme. Growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, she’s always had to hustle to get by, and that entrepreneurial spirit could make her a prime target for MLM recruiters. Andie’s eye for fashion and her knack for creating unique looks from thrift store finds could translate into a natural affinity for selling beauty or fashion products. However, her deep sense of loyalty and the close bonds she forms with people might make her hesitant to push too hard on her friends. Probable MLM Choice: Trendy Fashion Accessories

10. Kevin McCallister (Home Alone)

The clever and resourceful protagonist would grow up to be drawn in by the promise of self-sufficiency. His personality traits could translate into a savvy but potentially misguided entrepreneurial spirit. Kevin might be drawn to MLM schemes promising independence and the thrill of outmaneuvering others in a competitive market. His desire for self-sufficiency and his knack for thinking on his feet could make him successful in a niche MLM. Probable MLM Choice: For-Profit Universities

9. Andy Clark (The Breakfast Club)

His athletic background and disciplined demeanor suggest Andy might gravitate towards promoting fitness or sports-related products within such schemes. Additionally, desire to excel could drive him to engage enthusiastically in networking and sales activities typical of MLM businesses. However, his tendency to want to please authority might lead him to blindly trust the wrong people, making him a prime target for manipulation. Probable MLM Choice: Fitness Products

8. Buck Russell (Uncle Buck)

Buck’s larger-than-life personality and willingness to dive headfirst into offbeat ventures make him particularly susceptible to the flashy promises of multi-level marketing. His approach to life—more about making a quick buck and having a good time than sticking to conventional paths—would make him an enthusiastic, if somewhat misguided, participant in MLM activities. Buck’s charm and knack for connecting with people could make him a persuasive recruiter, especially when it comes to selling quirky or unconventional products. Probable MLM Choice: Wholesale Gadgets and Gizmos

7. Jim Dodge (Career Opportunities)

Jim’s combination of charm and desperation for a stable income could easily lead him into the world of MLMs. His tendency to jump from job to job and his skill in spinning tall tales might make him an attractive candidate for MLM recruiters. Jim’s willingness to take risks and his natural charisma would help him recruit others, but his lack of financial savvy might cause him to overlook the pitfalls. The allure of quick money and the promise of independence would be hard for him to resist, making him a likely MLM target despite the eventual fallout. Probable MLM Choice: Real Estate

6. Steff McKee (Pretty In Pink)

Steff McKee, the quintessential preppy antagonist from Pretty in Pink, has a flair for self-importance and a knack for exploiting social hierarchies. His propensity for flaunting his family’s wealth and his obsession with status make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes that promise exclusivity and a taste of the high life. Steff’s inclination to surround himself with people who admire his social standing could make him susceptible to MLM pitches. His charm and ability to manipulate social circles would likely help him recruit others. Probable MLM Choice: Cryptocurrency

5. Claire Standish (The Breakfast Club)

Claire’s socialite status and charm would make her a prime candidate for MLM schemes. She would host glamorous parties and convince her affluent friends to join, effortlessly pushing beauty and luxury lifestyle products. Her popularity and persuasive nature would ensure a steady stream of recruits, making her a top performer in any MLM organization she joins. Probable MLM Choice: Luxury Beauty Products

4. Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

Ferris’s charisma and ability to charm others would likely make him a top MLM recruiter, pitching lifestyle and vacation products. His personality and ability to persuade others would make him an effective recruiter and salesman within the MLM structure. Ferris’s knack for convincing people to join him in his adventures could easily translate into convincing them to join his MLM team. His charm and confidence could also help him sell almost anything, leveraging his popularity and social influence to build a successful MLM business. Probable MLM Choice: Vacation Packages

3. Philip F. “Duckie” Dale (Pretty in Pink)

Duckie would get involved in any MLM scheme proposed to him, but he would be notoriously bad at them. Duckie’s outgoing personality, love for fashion, and entrepreneurial spirit make him susceptible to the flashy promises and social dynamics of MLMs. However, his lack of sales finesse, tendency to overshare personal anecdotes during pitches, and his insistence on being authentic and honest would alienate potential customers. Probable MLM Choice: Event Ticket Resales

2. Roman Craig (The Great Outdoors)

Roman Craig, the high-powered, money-obsessed brother-in-law, actively participates in a ponzi scheme in the movie. Roman’s relentless pursuit of wealth and status, combined with his love for showing off, would make him a prime target for the flashy allure of multi-level marketing. He’s the type who’d be drawn to the promises of financial freedom and a luxurious lifestyle. Roman’s smooth-talking, hyper-competitive nature would see him diving headfirst into an MLM, convinced he could out-hustle everyone else and rise to the top. He’d be the guy throwing lavish recruitment parties at his upscale home, complete with PowerPoint presentations and testimonials from supposed “millionaire” MLM veterans. Probable MLM Choice: Day Trading

1. Dell Griffith (Planes, Trains and Automobiles)

Dell’s gregarious nature and extensive “work” experience make him a prime candidate for MLM schemes. His innate ability to connect with people and his relentless optimism would make him a natural recruiter. Dell’s tendency to see the best in everyone and everything might blind him to the red flags of MLMs and he would struggle to see the harm he’s inadvertently causing. His infectious enthusiasm would likely convince even the most skeptical, dragging them into the MLM world alongside him. Unfortunately, his unwavering faith in people would also mean that when it all falls apart, Dell would be the last to admit defeat. And when the inevitable collapse happens, he’d likely double down, thinking his next pitch or product will finally be the one to succeed. Probable MLM Choice: Knives

Exhausted Tom Morello Faxes in Protest of Chicago DNC

Posted on by Rob Ryder

CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed political activists and Rage Against the Machine fans throughout Chicago.

“Just as it was in 2000, we are not letting the streets of Chicago get taken over by the Democrats, Republicans, or anyone in the political establishment who just want to maintain the status quo,” said Morello while stirring a mug of chamomile tea. “I’ve written protest songs, organized rallies, even gotten arrested pushing my message right into the face of our oppressors. But this strongly worded memo that I plan to fax to the Tribune sometime this week…this just hits different. It’s going to rock the DNC harder than we two decades ago.”

Activists at Chicago rallies were skeptical of the impact the fax would have on the delegates and voters watching around the country.

“I had heard rumblings weeks ago that Tom was planning something, we even saw him checking into the Peninsula Hotel with a guitar case in his hand,” said Maureen Harrington of Wicker Park while gluing herself to a door handle at the United Center. “Bare minimum, I figured he’d be out there with a fucking old school bullhorn to rally the troops and get everyone fired up. Hell, maybe he’d even get the guitar out and play some Woody Guthrie songs. But now we’re starting to wonder, it’s been 3 days and where the fuck is he?”

Political Analyst Geoff Roland acknowledged Morello’s impact in the past, but wondered if it was time to pass the torch to a new generation

“We want more celebrities to be here in the streets with us and use their platforms to foment change. However, we would really prefer someone like Chappell Roan over Tom Morello, no offense to Mr. Morello, but he’s just not going to be able to speak to the youth like he used to,” said Roland. “His style of intellectual discourse, willful civil disobedience, and harnessing the power of the system against itself is just old hat. It’s time to let the man rest.”

“The next generation better get it together quick,” Roland added. “If they’re not careful, Tom DeLonge is gonna show up throwing alien conspiracy theories at the crowd.”

At press time, Zack De La Rocha was said to be landing at Chicago O’Hare Airport with a plane full of 300 Cuban Marxist Guerillas to join the fray.

Man Feels Warm Sense of Nostalgia After Being Called a “Fucking Hipster”

Posted on by Jose Balderas

GLENDALE, Calif. — Self-professed 36-year-old “film connoisseur” Bobby Colina’s bad day was salvaged by an accidental Good Samaritan calling him a hipster, sources report.

“To be honest, I was expecting something else to also go awry today. Either my cat was going to get sick, my long-distance girlfriend would want to break up, or my synth would finally crap out on me,” recalled Colina. “When I walked into the Barnes & Noble to inquire if they had the Criterion Collection Blu-Ray of ‘Ghost World,’ I heard someone behind me say under their breath loud enough for me to hear ‘fuckin’ hipster,’ and let me tell you the smile that came across my face erased any dour mood I was in because it really brought me back right back to 2013. Just me, my then-girlfriend, and a ‘She & Him’ vinyl playing in my apartment while we sat in the dark, plus I was 35 pounds lighter back then.”

Barnes & Noble employee Jessica Quinto witnessed the moment.

“I only remember the encounter because it was so awkward for everyone except the bearded guy. He wouldn’t stop asking me if I had seen some weird movie while I was searching on our computer. I kept saying I hadn’t but he wouldn’t stop describing how amazing it was and that I would totally like it if I saw it,” said Quinto. “The man behind him was getting impatient and blurted out the insult when the hipster said he would come back another day to ask if I saw the movie. You know, it was also kinda creepy how he paused then smiled after a long silence when the man called him that.”

A recent medical journal included a study from a renowned Cerritos College professor that shed light on this phenomenon.

“This is a brand-new discovery in the field of psychology,” stated Dr. Zeg, who specializes in Millennial Psychology. “The medical community has labeled these encounters ‘Nostalgic Millennial Negging’ wherein a millennial person acts in a way seeking to be insulted by another person so they may feel smug and superior to them. Many of the case studies show that people who were between the ages of 20-25 during the 2000’s might unknowingly be suffering from this affliction. We do recommend that if they have a strong urge to be insulted for their hobbies, preferences, or looks they should think about reaching out to a mental health care provider.”

As of press time, Colina has not found a new copy of ‘Ghost World.’

QUIZ: Are You Really in Jean-Paul Sartre’s “No Exit” or Are You Just Watching Bill Maher Interview Jordan Peterson on Ketamine?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Hell is other people, and what two people could possibly be more hell than right-wing academic clown Jordan Peterson and the unfathomably uncancelled Bill Maher?

If you’ve found yourself watching Maher casually “sparking j’s” and chatting with Pererson about how his all-red-meat diet only put him in the hospital for “a little while,” you’ve probably reached the conclusion that Sartre’s play “No Exit” is in fact an accurate depiction of hell, that you have died, and that you will be locked in a room with these two insufferables forever. Fear not! There’s every chance that you just got loaded on ketamine again and stumbled across a clip of them on social media. Let’s run through the checklist before we freak out, shall we?

Are they responding when you speak?
If the answer is no, well, honestly that’s no guarantee that you’re not actually in a room with these assholes, but it’s a promising start!

Is Bill Baher finding excuses to mention his 2008 atheist documentary “Religulous?”
The only thing in the world that would stop Maher from speaking about atheism as if the whole concept was his idea because he’s just that goddammed smart is dying and finding himself in hell.

Has Peterson asked to see your genitals?
Eternity is a long time sure, but Peterson is going to need to confirm your gender immediately.

See any writers around?
Even Satan is incapable of getting Bill Maher to go anywhere or say anything without them.

Does the room smell like a mix of old creep and some cologne with a name like “Wolf Musk”?
Ketamine is not known to cause olfactory hallucinations and can in fact suppress your sense of smell so trust the nose! Take a nice big whiff. The combined scent of Maher and Petterson should be palpable. Halitosis, incontinence, and sexual wellness supplements punctuated by a fragrance marketed to men who like to think they are lumberjacks. If you’re not getting any of that, chances are you’re just in a K-hole, and you’ll have the faculties required to put your phone down in about 20 minutes.

Can you hear a jilted prostitute demanding more money behind a locked door in the distance?
If you can’t, chances are you are not actually in a room with Bill Maher.

When you snap and punch them, do they react, or does your vision just get a bunch of weird cracks in it?
That’s your phone dude. You just broke your phone screen. That’s the bad news, the good news is you are not in an existential nightmare stuck with Bill Maher and Jordan Peterson in a locked room for all of eternity. Even if your phone isn’t insured, and judging by your habitual ketamine use it is not, that’s a good day.

Threads Users Hearing Rumors That Biden Is Considering Dropping Out of Presidential Race

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SAN FRANCISCO — Users on the social media platform Threads were recently abuzz with news that President Joe Biden might be considering dropping out of the 2024 presidential race, representatives from the Meta owned company report.

“I was scrolling through Threads, looking for the latest updates on Biden’s political moves, and there it was,” said Threads user Mark Turner (@MarkT1981), shaking his head in disbelief. “Biden might be dropping out. I can’t believe it, I mean there is less than 100 days until the election. Who is going to take his place? Warren? Schumer? No one on Threads seems to know. I keep refreshing but all I get is screenshots of Tweets about something called Hawk Tuah!”

The news, which had already been announced, dissected, and discussed in real-time on Twitter, appeared on Threads weeks after Biden had already dropped out and Vice-President Kamala Harris had been selected as the presumptive nominee and chose a running mate.

“Threads has become the go-to place for those who enjoy hearing about news at a leisurely pace, for people who like reading the Sunday newspaper,” social media analyst Emily Rodriguez said, who, like many, opened a Threads account in 2023 and never looked at it again. “It’s like the days gone by where you might get your news by word of mouth at a small town diner. By the time Threads users get the scoop, it’s already old news. It’s a kind of social media nostalgia, like when your parents print out a meme to show you. It’s adorable.”

Dr. Henry Lawson, a communications expert at UC Berkeley, added his thoughts on the situation.

“Threads has mastered the art of lagging behind. Sure, Twitter is a cesspool of Nazis, bots, and trolls, but it is still the go-to site for breaking news and unofficial rumors,” Dr. Lawson noted. “While Twitter users are debating world events as they happen, Threads users are reminiscing about it with the reverence usually reserved for historians and archeologists. It’s as if the platform is dedicated to giving users a ‘vintage news’ experience.”

As of press time, Threads was said to be flooded with posts about the potential threat of Russia invading Ukraine.

“It’s Too Early for Pumpkin Spice!” Says Man with Fridge Full of Oktoberfest Beers

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his refrigerator is already fully stocked with Oktoberfest beers, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“Every year they start this shit earlier and earlier! It’s hot enough for my balls to stick to my leg, so why is Starbucks acting like we’re supposed to be cavorting through apple orchards in tweed jackets with pumpkin spice lattes in hand? This is the time of year for refreshing beverages like the Oktoberfest lagers like the ones taking up my entire basement fridge, those never go out of style,” said Johannssen. “Last I checked, pumpkin spice should be hitting mid-October at best. The brown nectar of the gods that are Oktoberfest beers can be enjoyed any time, and the fact I go feral every time the local breweries roll them out doesn’t change the fact that seasonal food should be timed with the actual seasons.”

Johannssen’s girlfriend has taken the brunt of his ranting despite calling him out numerous times.

“Nobody has to convince me to buy pumpkin spice anything, but I guess Greg has some strong opinions about my pumpkin spice little treat because he’s been going on about the sanctity of the seasons for hours now. But this is also the same guy who left in the middle of my niece’s baptism because he found out his favorite brewery dropped his favorite mäzen lager,” said Katie Lee. “How can he think getting blackout drunk on Oktoberfest beers on a Wednesday afternoon is more acceptable than one flavored coffee? At least he’s not into IPA’s or I’d have definitely left him by now.”

The Starbucks marketing team pointed out that they’d have to be instance to not lean into pumpkin spice as early as possible.

“Oh it’s absolutely true we’re pushing pumpkin spice products slightly earlier each year, because we make a shit load of money off of it and we are hoping some of the people boycotting us will throw a few dollars our way. Hell, we’d sell it all year round if we could but then it wouldn’t be special. But white middle class women love it more than sex so fuck it, it’s here in mid-August,” said executive Mark Stroud. “We understand that this product makes a lot of insecure men very angry for no reason, but we can’t let that deter us from padding our bottom line.”

As of press time, Johannssen’s girlfriend caught him red handed drinking a winter ale after complaining about stores already putting out Christmas decorations.