SPEARFISH, S.D. – A small town is mired in chaos after teenage punk Jill Mulgrove said that the town’s government, church, and businesses are in collusion to screw over poor people, reported sources from atop the smoldering mound of rubble that was once city hall.
“It all started after I refused to pledge allegiance to the flag in homeroom,” said Mulgrove as she warmed her hands over a barrel fire while wearing fingerless gloves. “I said the flag represented how much these institutions are in kahoots to systematically extract wealth and resources from vulnerable populations and that I wouldn’t support it. Well instead of flipping out, I saw something click in Mr. Antonio’s head. Like he had suddenly realized something. He just said class was canceled and quickly left the room. Soon other teachers were walking out while breaking windows and stuff. It was like instant anarchy. Shit ruled.”
Angelica Summers, Mulgrove’s best friend, is proud that her friend initiated such drastic social change, despite how hard the upheaval has affected the Summers family.
“It’s rare to be able to make real change in this world,” relayed Summers as she asked us if we had any canned goods to spare. “So for that I’m very proud. However it turns out that anarchy is scary. We’ve been practically homeless ever since dad burned his job down. When we tried to withdraw money from the bank the windows were all boarded up and had ‘DEAD INSIDE’ and ‘GREED KILLS’ painted on them. So that was weird. And just this morning I strangled a man with my bare hands for a loaf of bread. But hey, I’m happy to sacrifice some of my family’s privileges for the greater good.”
Spearfish mayor Reginald Thorme is trying his best to get a handle on the rapidly escalating situation.
“Ever since that street urchin opened her trap it’s been bedlam,” said Thorme from a luxurious bunker that also safely houses the town’s priests and business leaders. “Now I’m hearing the same thing is happening in Sturgis, Sioux Falls, and even as far as Minneapolis. I don’t know, this punk thing could get pretty bad if we don’t put a lid on it right now.”
At press time, Mulgrove was seen telling a man trying to read a newspaper that the media is nothing more than a PR wing for capitalism.
Hippos kill more humans than any other animal in the world, but aside from inviting a few mean jokes toward the heaviest member of your family, there’s very little chance for Hungry Hungry Hippos to tear a family apart forever.
If you’ve never played it, Apples to Apples is basically like an even more dumbed-down version of Cards Against Humanity without the “Against Humanity” part. Just simple, non hentai/AIDS/racism nouns matched to adjectives. Any family game night can have a sore loser, but if this one causes significant friction in your family you guys have way deeper issues to work out.
Basically a glorified version of Tic Tac Toe, Connect 4 actually requires you to make pleasant chit-chat in the hopes of distracting your opponent from what’s right in front of their face. If your family can’t enjoy Connect 4 without serious conflict, move out immediately.
Look, if you’re arguing over a game of checkers, it has nothing to do with the checkers and everything to do with the fact that you hate your siblings.
Unless someone in your family is drunk enough to make really inappropriate “twink” comments you’re pretty safe playing Dream Phone.
In the commercials when you lose at Jenga that’s okay, it’s part of the fun! In reality, it’s Mom, every single goddamned time. Is she doing it for attention?
A deceptively challenging game with a million opportunities to make one innocent mistake that will 100% be interpreted as a lie.
This game seems straightforward, but there’s just enough room for error in the interpretation of certain questions to build accusations of cheating that will serve as the seeds for resentments that can last a lifetime.
There’s no reason for this game to devolve into a passive-aggressive tiff rooted in homophobia when played with a family group, and yet every family has at least one dude who will bring it there every single time.
In the movie, Jumanji is a magical game forcing players into an epic high-stakes adventure. In reality, it’s little more than a re-skinned version of Candyland that will have your family shouting “Whose dumb idea was it to play this boring game anyway?!” in no time.
This classic Napoleon-themed war game is simple enough to instill children with the close-to-the-chest tact they’ll one day use to tiptoe through future family gatherings.
Versions of this game date back to ancient Egypt, but the modern American version always ends the same way: Children in the back of a car whining “Why do we always have to go to Grandma’s house, it’s boring!”
If your family agrees to play Risk, it’s because it’s a board game they have heard of and they have absolutely no information beyond that. Technically the game can last days, but you’ll all storm off hating one another within a few torturous hours.
A straight-up dice gambling game disguised as wholesome entertainment, sort of like the razor-thin veneer of “loving family” You know is hanging by a thread.
If you think your problem-drinking uncle isn’t going to turn your game of Othello into a race thing you’ve got another thing coming.
A game with absolutely zero strategy, the winner is determined by what each player randomly spins. So why is my brother looking so smug after winning? You didn’t like, DO anything bro, get over yourself.
Another zero strategy game, the winner being predetermined by the order of the cards at the beginning of the game. So why does your cousin keep insisting she’s “good at it”? You should be able to let it go, but you just can’t, I mean what does that even mean?!
With all of those colors, numbers, and a somewhat complex scoring system there’s bound to be at least one member of your family with just enough of a processing disorder to have a full-on meltdown.
This ain’t your Grandmother’s card game! That’s probably why she’s so confused. You’re trying to explain the rules as politely as you can but you know it’s only a matter of time before you yell at her, and you already hate yourself for it.
This game seems like a cutesy celebration of ‘80s consumerism, but it can bring out the worst in people. It’s basically Black Friday, the home edition. You even need to find your parking spot after you buy everything.
The first time you hear that little buzzer go off everyone has a nice fun laugh. After the 100th time, you will look the woman who gave birth to you dead in the eye and say “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
While its cousin Scrabble is a much more potent argument generator, Boggle gets some points because you can grab it with one hand and use it as a projectile if you’re mad enough.
It’s never too early to teach kids the smarmy passive-aggression that will generate physical fights with their siblings for years, maybe decades!
Fresh off the first of many hiatuses, something about “Blaze” is a little off. Remember that this is an American band, and since the world had last heard from them America had to endure 9/11, Columbine, and Woodstock ‘99. Nickelback were consistently hitting #1 and subprime mortgages were a dime a dozen – but 2003 wasn’t as great as it sounds. “Blaze” is still Lagwagon, your mom will still let you play it in the car.
Rock and roll really does belong to the youth, punk rock even more so, with ‘90s skate punk being a prime example. Despite that, these ancient skate punks actually have some legs left. “Surviving California” and “Bubble” are serious Lagwagon, but throwing everything they had into the ambitious “The Suffering” may have tuckered these old boys out a bit. They’re back, but unlike RKL they aren’t mad about it.
This much-loved 12” slab of tartan barf is the first album to feature current Lagwagon drummer Dave Raun, one of many eventual members who was young, wealthy, and liked acid. Dave’s a decent guy (like most of us) until he drums, when something akin to demonic possession occurs and the violence begins. “Double Plaidinum” sounds remarkably cohesive for a band with two new members, but it only reaches Gingham status.
Something about the combination of the noose on the cover and the warm, wall–of–sound production of “Hang” could easily send you down an internet rabbit hole of autoerotic accidents, and despite everything you learn about how easy it is to get the smallest thing wrong and end in one of the least private tragedies imaginable, you will definitely look into the actual logistics of it once you finish writing this article. Maybe blast “You Know Me” at the peak.
You know things are serious when they tune down right at the beginning. “Resolve” serves as a eulogy for original drummer Derrick Plourde, and the loss can be heard in every note on the album. Good thing it’s not your job to write jokes about this album, eh? You might end up typing different versions of “Thanks, Joey. Thanks a lot.” until you hit your word count. Thanks, Joey. Beautiful record, but you fucked up my day.
The word “Duh” means nothing to us, so we did some research and our data suggests it’s an acronym for “a Debut record this good is UnHeard of.” One of the blueprints of the “Fat” sound, every piece that makes Lagwagon great is already here. Even today, there are plenty of folks who will passionately argue that it’s still their best album. It’s not and they’re goofs, but “Tragic Vision” alone makes a very good case for them, along with classics “Bury the Hatchet” and “Mr. Coffee.”
This record is 25 years old and still feels like “the new one.” The ‘90s were an incredible journey for Lagwagon, going from house parties to full houses and writing dozens of songs that are still played and loved every single day. If you see them live and listen to what happens when they introduce “May 16” you wonder why it isn’t a federal holiday. We could use a pre-game for Memorial Day.
Lagwagon may be a garbage soccer team, but they’re a hell of a band. The songs that actually appear on this collage of movie clips (including Bobcat Goldthwait’s immortal “Shakes the Clown”) are nearly all classics of the era, and the ones that aren’t totally are as well. Your band covered “Bye for Now” because a) everyone loved it and sang along and b) it was the only song on the album your guitarist could play. If there’s a negative here, it’s that Van Morrison may have gotten royalties from this record.
Top-tier musicianship and 14 of the most memorable songs you’ve ever heard might be enough to achieve the gold medal. Honestly, the impact of “Sleep” alone could possibly do it – if there was a party in 1996 where the highlight wasn’t when that song came on the boombox, we weren’t at it. The master stroke was releasing an album that features a song called “Name Dropping” and somehow that’s not the song that drops the names of the two most famous and sexiest humans to ever walk the earth, Sherilyn Fenn and Billy Gibbons. Subtle artistry like that has some legs.
Anyway, with five full-lengths and two extended plays, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better pound-for-pound discography than the band that some say are the inventors of modern metalcore as we know and love it. (As long as you ignore Cave In.)
This six-song EP (or three two-song EPs, whatever) is made up of extra songs during their time recording “Versions” that were released over a six month period while writing “The Tropic Rot.” I mean, it’s Poison the Well, so it’s still decent… but you can kind of see why they didn’t make it onto the album, and rarely make it into a setlist.
Don’t try to twist this into a “They said Tropic Rot sucks!” spin zone. If this album was in any other band’s catalog, it would be one of their best. But these are the kings we’re talking about, and technically it’s still a Top 5 album for them. It’s just in our aging, “been down since the beginning” nature to rank the newest ones last, but truth be told, this album rules. Bold decisions to include songs like “When I Lose, You Lose As Well” and “Are You Anywhere” paid off handsomely, as it proves there is no sound the band can’t capture. Chris Hornbrook in particular, who may very well be the best drummer in all of hardcore, shines especially bright.
After winning hardcore, apparently the band decided it would dominate post-hardcore with their fourth album. “Versions” is the first not to have Derek Miller on guitar, so to make up for the loss, the band had Jason Boyer play guitar on a handful of songs, and guitarist Ryan Primack added bass, banjo, mandolin, synthesizer, and Wurlitzer piano to his credit. Other instruments used on the album include trumpet, trombone, and a muu guitar; you know… classic hardcore stuff. That’s just Poison the Well though… whatever they decide to do, it’s gonna be good. Also, despite the plethora of clean vocals throughout, “Versions” boasts Jeff Moreira’s most pissed off performance of his career. I felt some of those high screeches way down in my prematurito el babies.
The very first release from the band, and the only one to not feature Jeff Moreira on vocals (Aryeh Lehrer sang on this five-song EP), the foundation was set early that melodic hardcore was in for a rude awakening. Is the Angus sample that kicks off the first song the most famous movie quote in hardcore history?
This album is much better than it gets credit for, mostly because for some reason, when it came out, no one was satisfied. If you wanted a repeat of Opposite, it wasn’t that. The songs have more structure and polish, which is to be expected of a sophomore release. If you wanted a giant leap or a completely new progression of sound, it isn’t that either. It’s the perfect transition record from what they started out as to what they’d eventually become. Essentially, if you don’t like “Tear From the Red,” you’re a poser who probably pronounces the first word of the album like “Tears for Fears” and not “tear up that major label record contract after one release.”
Speaking of… this entry is the band’s one and only album on Atlantic Records, who they signed to after their deal with Trustkill ended. A true masterpiece, and lynchpin of what hardcore can be when left to its own devices, this is the last album to feature Miller (alongside Primack) on guitar, who quit the band after vigorous touring to start the Christmas music duo Sleigh Bells. There isn’t a breakdown (or two) in every song like its predecessor… but when you write songs like Crystal Lake, one per album is enough. If you look up the phrase “ahead of its time” in the dictionary, the definition is just the album art for YCBY.
A lot of hype and buzzwords get thrown around with this album. “Genre-defining,” “groundbreaking,” “legendary,” and so on and so forth. Well let us be the first to tell you… it’s all true. Every word, every praise, every single positive thing said about this album is spot on. The band’s first full-length LP raised the bar so high it wished for wings that work, and ushered in a new era of metalcore that has yet to slow down. The addition of Moreira on vocals (and his amazing lyrical style) is just the cherry on top of what was the perfect alignment of young musicians hitting their stride. Hornbrook’s monster drumming, the duo of Primack/Miller on guitars getting both heavy and melodic, Jacob Bannon of Converge’s iconic artwork, it all elicits emotions in hardcore kids a certain age (old). The lineups for this album’s touring cycle will live on in infamy forever. Oh shit, sorry… that’s an unpleasant word.