ARLINGTON, Va. – Army officials at the Pentagon debuted a new, realistic recruitment commercial that portrays a recruit masturbating four times a day in a porta potty which they hope will entice more young people to serve in the military.
“It displays the army experience perfectly. Some of our older commercials showed our forces in combat, or in command centers that made going into battle look like a giant video game, and it just wasn’t working,” said army recruiter and commercial writer Sgt. Arlo Patrick. “I’ll go to a high school to recruit children for war, and they’ll always ask me if they’re going to get shot. The reality of the situation is they’ll spend most of their time in a 130-degree portable shitter trying to stream porn in 480p. Hell, some of our MREs come with Lubriderm packets. You can trade it for peanut butter if you want.”
The innovative recruiting campaign has already begun bearing fruit, with enlistments increasing immediately.
“I joined up right after seeing it,” said teenager and masturbation enthusiast Luke Hemert. “Most of my days are spent looking at lusty Latinas on Pornhub, it’s my passion. I saw that ad, and I was like ‘Hey, I could do this! I could shoot ropes for my country and get college paid for!’ Sign me up. I’m jerking off four times a day minimum, so why not get paid for it? The commercial also said I get to watch the same movie over and over a thousand times on deployment, so I’m pretty pumped for that too. I’m going to bring ‘Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed.’”
The new commercials have been praised by high Army officials as displaying timeless themes of masturbatory martial virtue.
“It’s always been like this,” said Army Chief of Public Affairs General Hugh Cunningham. “I remember being outside Da Nang. I went to the porta potty for the third time that day with my Farrah Fawcett poster. I’m 75% of the way done, sweating from the humidity and barely tolerating the stink, when the VC attacks. I did my duty and quickly finished up before going out there and giving them hell. I never did get the fourth time that day. That keeps me up at night still.”
At press time, the US Navy has begun producing realistic ads showing how fun it is to share the same bed with two other dudes in six-hour increments.