When I was a kid, skate videos made being a pro skateboarder look like a glamorous life filled with never-ending gas station snacks, drinking without consequences, and provocative sexual escapades. The lifestyle portrayed in these videos inspired me to chase my dream of becoming a professional skateboarder well into my adult life, but all I got was 48 DUIs and chronic elbow pain that wakes me up in the middle of the night.
50. Flip “Sorry!”
First off, this movie reminded people of Johnny Rotten’s existence–which we really didn’t need. Also, it was basically an advertisement for head trauma. So, if I hit my head like Arto Saari, I’ll get to see some unreleased Tom Penny footage? Kids couldn’t stop getting concussions.
49. Girl “Yeah Right!”
I split my nutsack three times trying to do a 180 a parking meter because Hollywood elites Spike Jones, Mike Carroll, and Rick Howard had a green screen budget and I didn’t know any better. And I only recently found out that it wasn’t actually Owen Wilson doing that bluntslide? My wife called me a dumbass for not realizing it sooner. As a teenager, this video was detrimental to my physical, emotional, and skateboarding development.
48. Toy Machine “Jump off a Building”
Toy Machine’s skate park to prison pipeline classic sends all the wrong messages. This video screamed, “If you make weird art and listen to jazz, you can also own a famous skateboard company!” which inspired lots and lots of troubled individuals to invest in their passions and have fun. This video significantly impacted the number of workers available to manufacturing facilities in the late ’90s and early ’00s.
47. Chocolate “Hot Chocolate”
3/4 of my shins are burnt to a crisp because–who else?–Hollywood elite Spike Jones made my whole middle school think they could kickflip a five-stair with a flaming board. It’s really a skateboard company’s responsibility to tell their young, impressionable viewers what’s real because if a kid that just keyholed a Mountain Dew sees a flaming skateboard in a video, they’re going to do it, too. Reckless.
46. Landspeed “CKY”
This is barely a skate video, but it still had a dramatic impact on the world outside of skateboarding. Landspeed was the moment skateboarders became not only menaces to society but also their family and every shopping cart wrangler on the planet.
45. Blind “Video Days”
Jazz is the devil’s preferred music, and this video is absolutely full of it. Not only did “Video Days” teach kids about the Blue Note back catalog, but it killed a bunch of guys in the process of filming it. RIP to all the lost Christian souls and the poor heathens who foolishly rode for Blind Skateboards.
44. Almost “Cheese and Crackers”
The lack of handrails and switch tre flips down 20 really obscured everyone’s understanding of what skateboarding is supposed to be. When kids learned how to do inward heelflip backside disaster fingerflip outs and tailslide 720 reverts, they didn’t expect to be called a fucking nerd by literally every other person in the skate park.
43. Alien Workshop “Photosynthesis”
The Josh Kalis part in this video made Love Park seem deceptively inviting. Countless Midwestern dolts traveled there only to be mercilessly beaten within an inch of their life by locals. This video was dangerous Philadelphia travel propaganda.
42. Zero “Misled Youth”
Look at a picture of Matt Mumford in 1999 and then look at one of him right now. “Why doesn’t he look any different decades later?” you might ask yourself. The answer is clearly that he’s Nosferatu, and this video is nothing but vampire propaganda. I have it on good authority that over the course of this video, Mumford turned everyone but Jamie Thomas into a creature of the night. “Why not Jamie?” you’re probably wondering. Because. You’ve seen his boards. The power of Christ compels him.
41. DVS “Skate More”
“Skate More” briefly made every dude dress like Jason Dill. We looked fucking stupid showing up to a party being the third guy wearing white painter’s pants rolled halfway up my shins with knee-high neon socks and a shirt covered in cigarette burns. Blame DVS for never getting the girl.
40. Plan B “Questionable”
The tiny wheels in this video caused more injuries to children than polio. Thankfully the skateboard world started to wise up and ride wheels that could actually function.
39. Alien Workshop “Mind Field”
This video sent me on a year-long quest to create the artsiest, most unique sponsor-me tape of all time. When I was done, I still didn’t have any sponsors and I spent so much time editing I forgot how to kickflip, but I could double-exposed film like a motherfucker. Plus, I spent a fuckload of money trying to learn bagpipes which only made my part worse.
38. DC “The DC Video”
The problem with this video is not that it made me spend my entire college fund to build a mega ramp at my parents’ house, it’s that Rob Dyrdek made everyone think they could “Pretty Woman” an adult man from paid security guard to emotional support man. Worst $40 I ever spent on a relationship.
37. Lakai “Fully Flared”
Industrialists lobbying for looser work safety regulations funded “Fully Flared” As soon as Hollywood-insider Spike Jones blew up those stairs behind Mike Mo, OSHA regulations were slashed even further. It looked beautiful, but this video was as bad for Cairo Foster’s eyes as it was for dock workers. Shame on you, Lakai.
36. éS “Menikmati”
This video was a global conspiracy to brainwash kids into believing that skateboarding existed outside of the United States of America. Not true and very dangerous.
35. Shorty’s “Fulfill the Dream”
Shorty’s led me to believe that equestrian skills and sleight of hand would be pivotal to becoming a good skateboarder. What the fuck? I bought a horse and went to magic camp and still can’t abra-ca-do a heelflip or boardslide on my horse, Mr. Kermit California II.
34. Hook-Ups “Destroying America”
America destroyed itself, and I blame those sexy Hook-Ups graphics. America can only be so horny before it smashes something beautiful.
33. Coliseum “P.J. Ladd’s Wonderful, Horrible, Life”
This video proved the old adage, “It’s never too late…” is absolute horseshit. Unless you’re a teenage phenom with rubber bones and your parents’ bulletproof health insurance, you’re screwed.
32. Enjoi “Bag of Suck”
Louie Barletta is one of the only people on the face of the planet that can be as annoying as he is drunk. His part was solid, but too many good kids fell victim to wearing plaid sweater vests in the wake of “Bag of Suck.”
31. “Chomp on This”
In one of the single greatest skateboarding transgressions of all time, we were led to believe Jamie Thomas was aware of a band that wasn’t classic rock or Iron Maiden. Seeing a guy skate to the wrong kind of music can really undo some of the magic. It’d be like seeing Marc Johnson skate to a good song. Can you imagine?
30. Powell Peralta “The Search for Animal Chin’
The problem with this video is not that the Bones Brigade doesn’t find Animal Chin, it’s that I saw it with my older brother when I was four. I thought that fuckin’ guy was real and spent the next few months making missing person posters for that mysterious skateboarding demi-god. I mean, those guys just gave up!
It’s been a long-standing tradition for fossil fuel executives and lobbyists to gently massage Supreme Court Justices, relieving stress during tense discussions. The new code of conduct states that “Rubs of any nature will be limited to before and after the court is in session.”
All nine justices unanimously agreed to a new system for disclosing gifts. Instead of keeping every single item a secret, they will now be required to enter a special room known as the “Closet of Enchantment” and scream the name of the gift giver and the financial value of each gift into a special pillow. Failure to comply with this new rule will result in the justice losing 10% of their cut of the cash from the court’s official Bribe Box.
Anyone related to a Supreme Court Justice who received financial compensation from an outside interest group seeking to gain favor with a Justice will be required to report the value of the donation on their deathbed. They must give a detailed statement to a clergy member about each transaction. The clergy member will then be put to death in the interest of national security.
If a Justice has a personal or financial stake in a ruling they might be considered impartial and should recuse themselves from the case. However, if the Justice takes a long hard look in the mirror and decides it’s not a big deal after all, they will be able to resume normal activity.
Intimidating the briber into sweetening the pot is still allowed, but a Justice can no longer stare them down until they fork over the entire wad. The Justice will also be required to say “You know I’m not supposed to do this?” after each stack of cash is handed over.
Any bagged lunches, sodas, or snacks must be labeled in a “Clear and distinct fashion” to prevent them from being eaten by other Justices. Initials and nicknames will not be considered viable forms of identification. If clearly labeled food is eaten by a party not listed on the package, the offending party will be required to replace the food and provide an additional six-pack.
This lovable oaf is only ever there to help you out. Hodor may not be able to communicate all that well, but at least you don’t have to worry about loading in your own gear with him around.
Effective, understanding and compassionate – Missandei is everything a good sound guy ought to be, and yet none are.
Sam is too sensitive to be an asshole to anyone. You could probably push your whole bass cab off the stage and have it land on his wife and he’ll apologize to you. Asking “Could I get some more bass in the monitor?” might actually kill him.
Maester Luwin is only there to serve whoever the fuck is in power at that exact moment. And for the next 20 minutes, as you muddle through your half-rehearsed ska rendition of Men Without Hats covers, that’s you. Who can dance if they want to? Fucking you can!
Podrick is a nice boy – that’s good. He’s also an unstoppable sexual dynamo, which sets him as the diametric opposite of every other sound guy who’s ever lived. Yeah, he’s not gonna be giving you any shit about feedback as he confidently and lovingly fucks your bass player’s sister.
Lord Stark has a pretty strict code of honor which dictates he always does the right thing for those who are loyal to him. All you gotta do is bum him a Parliament before sound check and he’ll go to bat for you even if the venue manager threatens to cut off his head.
She’s a sweet kid. You’ll probably have to hear some guff about how her dad is trying to get promoted to night manager, but just don’t say anything about that thing on her face and you’ll be fine with her running the show.
Qyburn is a bit of a renegade, but that means he’s willing to bend the rules a bit to get what you want done. So your amps exceed the safe voltage restrictions for the club’s electrical system? Qyburn is already on his way down to the fuse box with a pair of wire clippers and a sly smirk on his face.
The Spider has always said that he lives to serve the realm. One could assume that most of the time that means the venue you’re getting fifty bucks to open in – but since he’s also not afraid to stab a few backs every now and then, it stands to reason that if you stay on his good side then maybe you wind up the headliner sooner than you’d expect.
She’s surprisingly sweet despite meeting the core sound guy criteria of barely being able to read and having a baby born of incest.
The Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch can definitely be a hardass, but rest assured he always has your best interests at heart. Keep that in mind when you accidentally lock yourselves out of the green room and need someone to strongarm the custodian to get the keys for you.
This dude’s a smuggler. You know what that means? It means he knows where to get coke. You’re welcome.
This plain-flavored-tapioca of a character doesn’t have enough personality to even know how to be a dick… on.
He can be a bit cryptic, like when you ask him where he wants the guitars loaded in and he replies “The ether beneath the field where men pretend they control the skies.” But this dude has been around since this venue was still an abandoned Waffle House – he’s gonna show you everything you need to know about why the PA system is making that noise again.
Fuck! Arya already killed the booker ‘cause he once called her dad “a bit of a knave.” Welp, onto the next name on the list… erm… we mean “tour date.”
If you treat him like dogshit long enough then apparently he falls in love with you. At least he’s devoted to the artists.
Jon Snow has really been through the ringer, and usually when that happens to a sound guy they just get really into salvia and refuse to make eye contact. But Jon somehow keeps going – which may actually be a bit annoying when he comes back from the dead just to show you the proper way the mixing board is supposed to be set up.
Fuck – we got a lot of Northerners on this list so far. Let’s get the hell out of that do-gooding tundra on the next one if we can.
There we go! King Tommen is a perfectly affable little shit. He’s easily distracted by the prospect of getting laid, so he might miss sound check because they hired a new bartender for him to harass. But as long as he’s back by showtime he’s not gonna try to cut anyone’s mic.
Once she starts to serve you, Brienne is loyal until the end – like, annoyingly so. She’ll adjust the monitor levels once for you and next thing she’ll be declaring how she’s gonna produce every record any member of your band ever does for free. It’s an overcorrection that isn’t so much being an asshole as just being “a lot.”
When we first meet him, he’s an asshole. Then he’s just kind of a goon. Then he’s actually a pretty useful plot device. Is he the most developed character in all of “Game of Thrones”? No, that can’t be right. But still he’ll be pretty unpredictable as to which version you get as your sound guy.