It’s September, which basically means it’s Halloween and Alkaline Trio have long held the distinction of being the spookiest boys, who are actually grown men, in all of contemporary punk. And if you’re reading this, then you’re likely nine pumpkin-flavored rum drinks deep and about to hit on someone whose costume appears to be “slutty coffin maker.” But how can you be expected to make a move when you’ve been stuck listening to the “Monster Mash” on repeat for the last four hours?
Well, you’re in luck! Because in listening to Alkaline Trio in preparation for the season we’ve ranked all of the band’s Halloween-iest songs that you can slip into that shared Spotify playlist without anyone but you and that sexy casket aficionado noticing. Here’s our list of 25 Alkaline Trio songs ranked by spook factor. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
25. I’m Dying Tomorrow
Starting off with a pretty low bar choice here. “I’m Dying Tomorrow” is barely spooky in comparison to the rest of Alkaline Trio’s catalog, but it’s still a song about partying in the face of your own mortality so by that metric it deserves at least inclusion on this list.
24. The Torture Doctor
When this song title suddenly appears in the shared playlist you might clock a few confused looks around the room. But don’t worry – once it starts playing you’re going to get a whole lot more confused looks and it won’t seem to matter anymore.
23. Dead End Road
A song about childhood trauma isn’t necessarily the best thing to slip into a Halloween playlist, but thinking back on just about every autumn dance we went to in junior high, it isn’t exactly the worst thing either.
22. Lead Poisoning
Think of “Lead Poisoning” as the song that starts playing right before someone decides to streak the whole party wearing only a lampshade on their head. Sure, it’s not that spooky, and yes that guy was not dressed as a lamp when the party began, but if it fits with the whole vibe of what’s going on then who’s going to call it out on the playlist.
21. Sweet Vampires
Hey, you better think about starting to make your move on the slutty coffin maker here soon. There are three different dudes dressed as Beetlejuice who all seem to have had the same idea as you.
20. Warbrain
Melodically “Warbrain” has the same tone as being chased through the woods by Slenderman would feel. Maudlin lyrics as well, but a few odd glances aside, we doubt anyone will notice you got it onto the Bluetooth.
19. Radio
Honestly, this song isn’t really spooky at all. But we’re legally obligated to include it in any article referencing Alkaline Trio, so here it is – if you’re a part of the band’s legal counsel this is where you can stop reading.
18. Sadie
An in-depth exploration of the Manson family murders definitely fits the kind of vibe you’re going for, and that opening guitar riff is haunting in all the right ways. Just hope that no one is paying too close attention to the lyrics or you’re gonna get busted and likely labeled as a sociopath.
17. Goodbye Forever
One of these days we’re going to figure out which Crowley book it was specifically that diverted Alkaline Trio away from pretty run-of-the-mill spook punk and into full-on “Dracula’s house band” mode. This song represents the former.
16. As You Were
This song will speed by before most people will even have been aware that it was playing. But for the handful who maybe catch the last few chords it’s still sufficiently Halloweeny to not upset the people who are clearly only at the party because they’re someone’s coworker paying back a favor.
15. Bad Time
Hurry up and make your move! One of the Beetlejuices is circling!
14. Calling All Skeletons
This remarkably catchy song won’t necessarily go unnoticed, as it is impossible to hear it without immediately seeking out the nearest skeletal rib cage to play like a xylophone. But even though it may engage the other partygoers no one would dare ask “who in the hell put this on?” without it being intended as congratulatory.
13. Draculina
What is it with guys and their fucking puns? I guess we’ll say, to their credit, it’s pretty impressive to run a streak of coolness like they have considering some of the spookarific turns of phrase they’ve decided to name their songs and albums. But yeah, anyway, “Draculina” is fine.
12. She Took Him To the Lake
This one will go unnoticed by everyone except for one guy dressed as The Crow who is going to ask you if “the Misfits have a new lead singer” because he doesn’t recognize it before walking away. It’s fine – this is not a person you want in your life anyway.
11. Sun Dials
Save this one for later in the night, when everyone is already hammered and there have been at least three injuries related to pumpkin carving. It’s spooky enough to blow past anybody at that point.
10. Blue Carolina
All three Beetlejuices are in the bathroom. Go! Go! Go!
9. Tuck Me In
“Tuck Me In” would fit in perfectly with any “Sounds of Ghouls” sound effects CD playing on your neighbor’s patio as they hand out perfectly razor-blade-laden candy to all those little brats running around dressed as spider-men, and it will work fine for this progressively more morbid party playlist as well.
8. Smoke
Are you supposed to slow dance to Halloween music? Like, probably right? Like how a Dracula would? If so, try it with this one – it’s just got that sort of mood to it.
7. Sleepyhead
There’s a longshot chance that one person might notice it when you try to slip this song onto the playlist, but that’s only because you cut “I Put a Spell on You” off right in the middle, so really this one is on your crappy timing.
6. Donner Party (All Night)
Who doesn’t like a good tune about gruesome survival cannibalism? No one! That’s who! No one’s even going to give a shit as this song reminds them to check the snack table one more time before all of the buffalo wings are gone.
5. I Lied My Face Off
Never mind, the sexy Cryptkeeper left already. Shit. Well, let’s finish fucking up this playlist already.
4. Blackbird
This song sounds like it could have come straight out of a Tim Burton movie about the Air Force. It’s got a creepy tone, creepier lyrics, and the guy who produced it was a literal murder of crows. Yep, this one fits right in.
3. Private Eye
Arguably the best song ever written about Dick Tracey, “Private Eye” could give “Spooky Scary Skeletons” a run for its money as a Halloween staple. Though any Alkaline Trio fan ever made is gonna recognize that opening guitar riff, not a one of them is going to call you out for sneaking it onto this playlist.
2. We’ve Had Enough
For a song about the rampant commercialism in mainstream rock, the imagery of eyeless angels and orphan corpses pretty much tracks for the era in which it was written. Regardless, the overwhelming hardcore spookiness of “We’ve Had Enough” more than meets party playlist criteria.
1. Time To Waste
This song may have actually been written specifically for a haunted house sound effects CD – one crafted under the influence of ketamine, mind you, but for that purpose all the same. “Time To Waste” is a fantastic song for whether you’re slipping unnoticed into a Halloween playlist or breaking into a gated cemetery to steal teeth for whatever weird purpose you would need to steal teeth for. Now go enjoy that playlist – it may be the last thing you ever do. Oooooooooooooooooh!
Listen to the playlist:
This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.
A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.
Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?
She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.
She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.
He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.
Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.
He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.
Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.
Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.
He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.
A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.
Simply put, this album fucking rules. Rife with groovy riffs over driving double-bass that would make Maggie Smith throw down in the pit, its placement on this list is by no means an indicator that you should steer clear. The only issue here is the power kind of fading out towards the last couple songs (you’d better believe you’d be seeing this further down the list had the intensity of “Inside the Wire” been matched throughout every song.) Max out the volume on this bad boy and appreciate Dave Ingram’s sole contribution to the band, as he’s able to provide some Benediction-ass vocal work that’ll have you cowering in the nearest foxhole. No need to fret the absence of Karl Willetts’ apocalyptic roar, fellow death metal maniacs, as there’s plenty of him below.
And the grooves keep coming. This effort sees a heavier focus on melody (we hear you, “Powder Burns”) without sacrificing the heaviness that fans at this point had come to expect. Throw in some really killer leads by guitarist Baz Thomson, and you’ve got a recipe for a musical onslaught that any other death metal band would renounce Satan to replicate. Our only beef with this album is similar to that of “Honour — Valour — Pride” in that the ceiling reached in its opening isn’t really matched through every subsequent song. With that being said, you haven’t really experienced a death metal show until you’ve seen the band perform the title track live. Oh, you never had the opportunity to see them live, and now likely never will because they called it quits in 2015? Suck it up, crybaby, and grab your helmet and mess tin. We have more albums to cover.
Good God! If you reach the end of this 30-minute attack and realize you haven’t taken a single breath, welcome to the club. While the frenetic, grind-heavy sound on the band’s debut would absolutely be refined in later offerings, there’s a definite charm to its crusty-ass production that we just can’t deny. The levels on the vocals aren’t really consistent throughout, but who gives a shit? This isn’t fucking math class. Slayer’s “Reign in Blood” had been fresh on everybody’s mind at the time, and you can detect the influence from the speed to the short, hellish guitar solos. If you don’t find yourself playing air guitar to the power chords in “Attack in the Aftermath,” you might as well just label yourself a conscientious objector to death metal.
This one’s definitely a slow-down from their previous releases, which leads more doom-oriented death metalers to top their lists with it. The chaos is still very much there, but quite balanced with some nicely mid-paced portions. It’s thick and meaty, so you’d best come to the table hungry. Listen to “Ritual” enough times and you will permanently have a grimace of awed appreciation plastered on your face. Bonus points for the album cover, which probably caused the deaths of countless Romantic-era art fans who cluelessly purchased it out of curiosity. R.I.P. nerds.
HELL yes. 1991 was arguably the best year for old school death metal, and “War Master” is a shining exemplar amongst a class of shining exemplars. Crushing and frenzied while somehow maintaining a brooding atmosphere, this album toned down the speed just a hair to achieve a balance that’s as unsettling as it is driving. That opening riff of “What Dwells Within” is up there with the title track of “The IVth Crusade” in terms of recognizable Bolt Thrower moments. The fact that it’s only Number 4 on this list serves as a testament to how otherworldly this band is. Tuck those acid-washed Z. Cavaricci jeans under the tongues of your Reeboks and blast this from your boombox as you strut about the streets. We promise you’ll earn the respect of every metalhead you encounter.
From the second riff of “War” you know you’re in for something special with this one, and that seamless transition into “Remembrance” will throw you into the battlefield whether you’re ready or not. It simply does not let up from start to finish, and the unbelievable hooks somehow only serve to make the songs more crushing. Add “When Glory Beckons” to your workout playlist and you’ll end up winning Mr. Olympia by default. The half-assed cover makes this album even better. A stock photo that looks like a screenshot from the opening theme of M*A*S*H will have to suffice if you’ve spent all your time and effort on writing winners. Fuck yes.
The band chose to focus the subject matter of its swansong exclusively on World War I, and the end result is flawless. Bass badass (and only member to play on every album) Jo Bench maintains a mud-crunching tone that will give you trench foot, and the late, great Martin Kearns keeps a reserved pace that accentuates the heaviness of the riffs. The atmosphere on the title track is absolutely palpable, and the breakdown on “Salvo’ will leave you eager to storm the Saint-Mihiel salient. We may not have deserved an absolutely perfect final album from Bolt Thrower, but they made good and goddamn sure we got one.