Report: Average Veterinarian Has Eight-Hour Wait List for Hunky Off-Grid Outlaws Needing Stitches at 2 a.m.

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — A new independent report revealed that the average veterinarian has an eight-hour wait list due to the sheer volume of hunky outlaws needing off-grid medical care after hours, sources confirmed.

“Most veterinarians just want to help animals, but somehow word got around to every vigilante, mobster, and anti-hero in town that they can also stitch them up in the middle of the night while these guys lay low from the law. Vet offices usually have a waiting room full of stoic badasses,” said researcher Melanie Garcia. “You can’t go into a hospital with a gunshot wound or they’ll call the cops, but these guys need to wait until vets tend to the cats with diarrhea, pitbulls that swallowed a Costco-sized pack of tube socks, and hamsters with gout. In the meantime, all they can do is sit down next to the rest of the outlaws and bleed all over the Cat Fancy magazines.”

Local vigilante Frank “The Compensator” Vercetti had been receiving off-grid medical care at Healing Paws Animal Clinic for years, but revealed that things have changed over the last few years.

“In the old days you could stumble into a vet clinic at 2 a.m., get a bullet taken out of your shoulder and still have time to flirt with the tough yet beautiful veterinarian all while a sensual saxophone soundtrack plays against the pale moonlight shining through the window,” said Vercetti, pouting while a receptionist handed him paperwork. “But nowadays there’s so many other outlaws in here it totally kills the vibe. Doc is so busy she doesn’t even have time to longingly watch me through the window as I slip off into the night for the final showdown with the bad guys.”

Healing Paws’ regular customers were starting to notice the change in clientele.

“I don’t think I’m gonna come back to this vet clinic, the waiting room is always full of masculine dudes with black eyes and gunshot wounds—and the weirdest part is none of them have pets with them,” said Howard Barlow, comforting his goldendoodle, Francisco. “Well they better quit their bellyaching and get in line because my Francisco has a doozy of a tummy ache. Also I’m pretty sure that guy over there pretended to be a cop and commandeered my vehicle last week before crashing it into the old steel mill in a hail of gunfire.”

At press time, a nearby gas station stopped letting customers use the bathroom after the owner was tired of cleaning up bullets and vodka bottles from hunky off-grid outlaws performing field surgery on themselves.

Oh Wow, We Were Way Off! Eric Clapton Just Revealed “Tears in Heaven” Is About His Struggles With Porn Addiction

Posted on by Tim Sheard

We at the Hard Times are big classic rock fans, and it definitely shouldn’t surprise you that one of our favorite artists of all time is Eric Clapton. We may not agree with his views on politics or public health, but whether he’s singing “Can’t Find My Way Home” as a member of Blind Faith or as a solo artist rocking to “Change the World” on the soundtrack to everybody’s favorite John Travolta movie “Phenomenon”, we can’t get enough of his tunes.

We had taken ourselves as Clapton experts, but a recent reveal by the prolific guitarist took us for a loop. We thought we knew the inspiration for his 1991 hit “Tears in Heaven”, but it turns out the popular tune is actually about his struggles with porn addiction.

Oh wow, we were way off!

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Clapton revealed that the lyrics to the popular, tear-inducing hit were written to explore his fears that his indulgent and Onanistic lifestyle would preclude his admittance into God’s kingdom, as it turns out the rock star had troubles quelling his fixations over the sprawling collection of hardcore pornographic magazines he’d amassed throughout the 1980s. According to Clapton, the wealth he’d earned from his numerous hits up to that point had been used exclusively to build a treasure trove of smutty magazines from “Club” all the way to “Gent”, with even an entire section devoted to the full-penetrative stylings of “Puritan.” With his financial success unfettering him from the constraints of a typical 9-5 job, he was free to devote every waking moment of his time to obsessively manipulating his genitals while poring over every page of his lascivious cache.

Yeah, that’s definitely not what we thought “Tears in Heaven” was about. Color us surprised!

“I must be strong and carry on, ‘cause I know I don’t belong here in Heaven,” laments Clapton over that beautifully composed acoustic legato we’ve all come to love. Now that we know we are hearing the mournful intonation of a man conflicted between his faith and his socially backward affinity for excessive masturbation, we’re not sure if we’ll ever be able to listen to this song the same way again

Thankfully, Clapton has since sought professional help for his unchecked hedonism and has been clean these past three decades. Considering the downward spiral that would inevitably have resulted from having the Internet able to instantly fulfill every one of his darkly libidinous fantasies, we consider this a blessing. Hopefully, Clapton has found peace with his Maker as well and now considers himself worthy to be seated at the right hand of the Father for all of eternity.

Again, we were truly taken aback by this revelation, and while we’re certainly sympathetic to his plight, we might not have sobbed so heavily during his 1992 performance on MTV Unplugged had we known the true meaning of this song. Thanks, Mr. Clapton, and good on you for kicking that porn habit!

Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Resist Trump Policies by Playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” Really Loud

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to the aggressive start of President Donald Trump’s second term, confirmed sources rubbing their temples and squinting.

“We spent a lot of time and the majority of our 2025 budget on getting the proper licensing of this track,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And the most common responses to our polling questions were ‘fucking do something’ and ‘you are useless cowards.’ So obviously the message was clear: we need a new anthem and we need to play it as loud as my three-disc CD player stereo can go. We were pretty much split down the middle between ‘Roar’ and ‘Fireworks.’ But with ‘Roar’ we think the American people will see that we’re committed to starting to think about figuring out how to begin the process of launching an exploratory committee that can get movement on getting a conversation started. These are dark times and the Democratic Party takes the threat of fascism seriously.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded to questions about the Democrat plan.

“This is the most offensive thing the Democratic Party has ever done,” said Leavitt. “We all know ‘Roar’ is code for communism. The radical left has now admitted to communism. You heard them. They said it. They said ‘Roar’ would’ve been Karl Marx’s favorite song. Verbatim. We all heard it. Literally every single one of us heard that. And I refuse to work with these people until they apologize for what they’ve done.”

Professor of Political Science at George Washington University Sandra Keller says there can be power in music, just maybe not this particular track.

“Historically, protest songs can actually have a big impact on the political climate, from the songs of the abolition movement to the pro-union songs of the labor movement, to ‘We Shall Overcome’ during the Civil Rights era,” said Professor Keller. “However, usually, the songs are of the moment and have lyrics that apply to the goals of the movement, as opposed to ‘Roar’ which is a 12-year-old song about being a tiger, I think? Not really sure. I’m more of a Carly Rae Jepsen fan.”

At press time, Democratic leadership announced that they would be making an Instagram Reel featuring Gal Gadot singing Perry’s “Roar” to further protest fascism.

Local Man Quietly Stages Coup of Bar Jukebox Using Only His Phone

Posted on by Matt Oriente

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — 41-year-old Jacob Francois claimed responsibility for taking over a local bar’s jukebox using only his phone, an act he says was necessary to “restore order,” confirmed sources.

“I’ve been going to this bar since my early 30s, but over the years, I’ve watched it fall into the hands of outsiders who have no respect for the corner pub,” Francois declared from his usual seat at the end of the bar. “I could not sit idly by while my bar—my community—was desecrated by interlopers who don’t understand the sanctity of getting hammered alone here. These so-called patrons come in and pollute the sacred airwaves with shitty music. There is only so much Morgan Wallen a man can tolerate. So I took action—funneling $200 into the jukebox remotely from my phone. It was only a matter of time before someone had to overthrow these music choices.”

Samantha Cochran, a patron who was present that night, recalled the harrowing events.

“I remember my friend Braylan had just put on a few Dierks Bentley songs and ordered a round of club sodas with lime,” Cochran explained. “When his songs ended, Braylan went back to queue up more, but that’s when we realized—someone had locked in 75 songs. There was no way we’d get to hear anything else before last call. We didn’t find out until later that someone was able to do this remotely from their iPhone, which is honestly terrifying. That’s all it takes now? Just a few taps, and suddenly, you own the means of production. What we need most now is a Luigi Mangione to take out whoever did this to us. This is a national security risk.”

Jordan Flanagan, former doorman and current head of private security firm Black Out Security, explained how incidents like this happen and what you can do to protect yourself.

“Over the last five to ten years, we’ve seen a rise in bar regulars becoming radicalized over what they perceive as an influx of terrible music being forced upon them. And when that happens, they tend to resort to extreme measures,” Flanagan said. “The best thing you can do to avoid being a victim is to scan your surroundings when you walk in. Know where the jukebox is, take inventory of the regulars, and pay attention to what vibe of music is playing. If something doesn’t feel right, leave. This is how you stay safe.”

At press time, Francois was seen at the bar just before closing, quietly singing along to Morrissey’s “First of the Gang to Die.”

Mandela Effect? Your Friends Don’t Remember You Exist

Posted on by Amir Adan

The Mandela Effect is the age-old behavioral phenomenon where large swaths of people misremember specific details about a person, event, or cereal brand. For instance, most people appear to be under the impression that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the ‘80s, when in reality he’s still alive today and living in Wisconsin, I think.

The same applies to you. Your friends sort of remembered a guy kind of like you with blond hair, if you even had hair, but it’s clearly a mixture of a brownish, blackish hue. Not to mention your name is Craig or Greg, not Jason. Or maybe it’s Paul. Definitely not Kevin. At least we’re pretty sure.

Either way, minor details like this sort of fall to the wayside, and our brains naturally create a different reality to fill in the otherwise non-descript gaps. Oh wait, Mike! It’s Mike, right?

Anyway, just about everyone on planet Earth will tell you that it’s spelled “Fruit Loops” when the truth of the matter is that it’s stylized as “Froot Loops.” Yes, Kellogg’s has been mind-fucking you this whole time. The same psychological perversion is the exact reason people don’t remember that you actually went to high school and college with them.

You were even best friends with them senior year. Now? You’re not even a memory worth storing in their hippocampus, pre-frontal cortex, and amygdala. This is not your fault. The Mandela Effect should take all the blame.

Sure, you could’ve stayed in touch or called them to see how they were doing every so often. But unfortunately, the Mandela Effect will take hold of them and erase you as a concept, no matter how hard you try to cultivate their friendship. This is why no one has friends past the age of 37. They just forget you ever existed.

Memories are a tricky thing. For instance, no one remembers that you once came out of the restroom in second grade with wet pants in your crotch area and for the next 10 years everyone called you Pee Stain, even though it was just water from the sink. Actually, maybe the Mandela Effect is a good thing.

Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.

“The hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!” said McCoy. “It’s important that my friends, family, and random cashiers at Walgreen’s know that I despise these types of Boomers in the ‘California Über Alles’ sense, not a ‘trickle down economics’ way. One time, my piece-of-shit uncle who voted for Reagan back in the day agreed with me. I was mortified! So ever since, I’ve had to preface any disparaging remarks about hippies with an equal amount of hate on Reagan. I hate Republicans more than anything, especially Bonzo.”

Most of McCoy’s associates seem to understand and even agree with his point of view, though feel his constant need to reiterate it speaks to some larger insecurity.

“Look, I get it,” said friend Heather Brant. “Whenever I would tell someone I didn’t like the latest Marvel movie, I always felt the need to clarify I wasn’t one of those anti-woke YouTubers with week-old Doritos stuck in their teeth who flip their shit any time they see the slightest bit of melanin. But then, I realized most people are actually pretty reasonable and aren’t automatically going to assume the worst of me. I think Chuck is caught between his need to make sure everyone always knows what he’s thinking, and his crippling fear that nuance is dead. If you ask me, he just needs to get off Twitter a bit. He’s right on the money about Reagan, though. Fuck that guy.”

Scene historian Tommy “Bones” Hernandez believes it’s difficult to agree with Republicans.

“Obviously, all hippies were capitalists in disguise, but it’s hard to hate on them publicly without coming across as a conservative,” Hernandez declared. “Hating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they don’t approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.”

At press time, McCoy was seen writing his thesis on the connections between the hippie movement and the rise of yuppie culture, despite not currently being enrolled at any academic institution.

Aging Noise Artist Remembers a Time When You Could Pull Your Penis Out at a Show and Everyone Wouldn’t Get All Weird About It

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer whip out your schlong on stage without making everyone feel weird nowadays, confirmed sources who were really hoping he wasn’t about to test that theory.

“Noise as a genre is supposed to make everyone in the room uncomfortable except me,” said Reddy while trimming his pubic hair. “What are we saying? That if I rub my bare genitals on an audience member without their consent, that’s not ok? Evidently, that’s now just called assault. What the fuck happened to the scene? As an artist, I should be able to jam an entire microphone up my asshole. After all, these people didn’t pay seven bucks to see me keep my underwear on the whole time. The whole point of noise and sound art is to express myself through my junk.”

Shannon Mallory, a member of the audience at 5CrpseFckPrty’s impromptu show, said she supports the arts but thought Reddy’s feelings were slightly misguided.

“Well, I agree that punk used to be actually dangerous and now it’s the soundtrack to Broadway musicals and winning Grammys,” said Mallory. “And yes, I do think our society’s overall prude-ness around nudity is silly and puritanical. But while I don’t really like to judge other people’s art, this is a 2:30 pm showing of ‘Wicked.’ So I’m not really sure what he was doing here, or why he had his dick out.”

Stella Chan, professor of art history at Boston College Stella, said that Reddy’s complaint points to larger and more unknowable queries orbiting punk and art spaces in general.

“The question of ‘what is art?’ is a nebulous one,” said Chan. “It begs the asker to think beyond the everyday occurrence of beauty and ugliness, life and death, and in the end, often presents more questions itself than producing anything remotely resembling an answer. That said, a solid 80% of noise artists are pretty much just flashers, and Tim is definitely one of those folks. Do not book this man for your birthdays, weddings, or graduation parties.”

At press time, Reddy also complained that you can no longer take a dump on stage during your set without the venue janitor having an absolute fit anymore.

Oh, You Like Counting Crows? When Was the Last Time You Danced the Silence Down Through the Morning?

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Hey, man, I overheard you say you like “The” Counting Crows—not their name, but whatever. I happen to be a fan of that band myself. I see we’re even wearing the same “This Desert Life” beanie. Are you wearing it ironically, too? No, you’re probably dead-ass in love with that album. Go ahead, sing the second verse of “Mrs. Potter’s.” I don’t care if there are nine people at this party. And hey, just curious, when was the last time you danced the silence down through the morning?

“Nineteen ninety-FOUR”?! Are you serious? For me, it was yesterday, when I celebrated the 32½ birthday of “August and Everything After.” Yeah, I got up, threw on my baja, and ran through a field of grain and heather. Then, on my way back, between the rain, I sort of danced the silence down through the—well, I say “morning,” but really it was three o’clock.

I spent the rest of the day slugging from a bottle named “Maria” and staying at home with my disease. At some point I grabbed a gray guitar, stared into the future, and wished I was beautiful. But that’s just me—a real fan.

What do you say we turn our ticket in and slouch at a bar to stare at the beautiful women? “No”? You wouldn’t. Oh, you have “kids”? Man, that is so un-Duritz. They’re called “children,” by the way. Why would you have children? Duritz doesn’t have children.

Are you even white? Do you even have dreads? What’s the best music video featuring Courtney Cox? You better not say “Dancing in the Dark.”

I don’t mean to come on strong, man, I guess I’m just in one of my moods. It’s the pain, yeah? I stepped out the bathroom like a ghost and looked across a crowded room and saw you and thought maybe I was close to understanding Jesus. Well, I guess I’M the one who’s misunderstood. You’re just another poser-ass “fan” who doesn’t even wanna help me believe in anything. Sha-la-la-la-la, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But hey man, while we’re here, you know, let’s see you do it. Go on. “Dance the silence down through the morning.” I’ll count you in.

Shit, that’s actually not bad.

Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each Other

Posted on by Tyler Roland

JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.

“So this weirdo shows up at my house, right as I’m writing this overdue community college assignment about Maynard James Keenan’s masterful use of metaphor in ‘The Pot,’” Schmidt explained. “The guy’s trying to get me to see the light, but let’s just say my light shone a little brighter. I decided to invite this Jehovah fella in and introduce him to the magic of Tool. Also because I haven’t spoken to another human being in weeks. I know most people hear Tool, but do they listen to Tool? After our four-hour conversation and several consecutive listens to ‘Stinkfist,’ I’m still not sure he understood the teachings of ‘Ænima.’”

Standish, for his part, was equally alienated by the man who recently spent half of his life savings on a ticket to the band’s upcoming “Tool In the Sand” festival.

“We never get people giving us the time of day, so this was a welcome change of pace,” Standish began. “But as soon as I presented a copy of ‘The Watchtower Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom,’ he shoved a ‘Lateralus’ CD in my face. This seemed blasphemous! Yet Don was the only one in his zip code that didn’t slam the door in my face or point a shotgun at me before I could get a word out. Finally, I was able to tell someone about our sect, albeit in exchange for a 45-minute rant on something called ‘Schism.’”

Anthropologist Walter Whittier sees this moment as a dramatic breakthrough in his studies.

“In my experience, the Dead – that is, the Grateful Dead – were the only band to have a cultural currency as befitting ‘anthropology of religion,’ as opposed to mere ethnomusicology,” Whittier elaborated. “Now, it seems we have a new discovery: that the most devout Tool fans are as invasive as Jehovah’s Witnesses. An incredible revelation. That’s almost like the time a Scientologist and a Radiohead fan accidentally spent all day attempting to convert each other.”

At press time, Standish and Schmidt were witnessed politely leaving one another after the whole night, vowing never to dig into the other’s preachings again.

First Year Photography Student Wondering if You’ve Ever Modeled Before

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Freshman photography student Elias Carbone reportedly crossed four lanes of heavy traffic to ask you if you’ve ever modeled before and if you’d be interested in helping him with a school project, you confirmed while trying to hide your smile.

“I was just minding my own business when this guy with a camera came out of nowhere to tell me how beautiful I was. And I mean I definitely didn’t look cute, I was coming back from pilates so my hair was a mess, I ran out of contacts so I had to wear my glasses, and I was all sweaty. I’m not sure what he saw in me,” you said after sitting down to compose yourself. “He said ‘Beauty like mine needs to be preserved for the ages,’ can you believe that? I agreed to go to his apartment in Allston this weekend for a shoot. He told me to bring a few different outfits and to be prepared to ‘push my boundaries.’ I’m debating on whether I should tell my friends about this, I think they would probably be pretty jealous that they weren’t asked.”

Carbone admitted he asks multiple women a day if they would like to model for him.

“I want to be the next Terry Richardson or Marcus Hyde, and the best way to do that is to lure as many impressionable young women to my apartment and convince them to pose naked for me. I feel like my best bet is to ask women who look painfully insecure,” said Carbone. “I haven’t been able to convince any of my models to take off their clothes, they usually realize they made a big mistake and leave right away. But these are the tough lessons I need to learn. I want to get to that level of fame where A-list celebrities come to my defense saying how sweet and professional I am when some no-name accuses me of problematic behavior.”

Photography Professor Phillip Rouse says a majority of his male students use art as a way to see women naked.

“This has been going on since the camera was first invented. Young men will use a camera to position themselves as an authority on beauty in order to see a boob or two. I hate to admit it, but I did it myself,” said Professor Rouse. “But now things are different. As an educator, I’m able to exert my authority in a different way and I have students lining up to pose naked for me. I promise them a better grade or introductions to some of my established photographer friends. It’s almost too easy.”

“At press time, Carbone asked if you had any good-looking female friends that you might be comfortable kissing for a project about “taboo expression under the Trump regime.”