So Close! Here Are 5 Missing Kids Who Didn’t Make the Cut for the Next Soul Asylum Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

If you grew up in the 90s, you no doubt remember watching the music video for Soul Asylum’s 1993 hit “Runaway Train” wherein photos of dozens of actual missing children were displayed on screen. The band had partnered with the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) for the video, and some of the featured children ended up reuniting with their families as a direct result. It’s exceedingly rare that such a positive outcome can be had from a piece of music, so the still-together Soul Asylum has decided to let it ride and release a new video. Hopefully, this results in even more reunions, but for now let’s focus on the kids who didn’t make the cut!

Ronald Deborski (12 years old, Exeter, New Hampshire)
This spoiled little shit ran off mid-hissy fit because his parents purchased him a regular Nintendo Switch for Christmas instead of a “Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom” Edition. From what we were able to gather during our cursory research with Ronald’s friends and loved ones, this kid was a total nightmare who got everything he wanted from his parents and enjoyed spending his time tormenting smaller kids at his private school. Honestly, there are a lot of missing pre-teens out there who are much more deserving of being located with the help of a music video, so we’re probably better off knowing that the band has decided not to assist with this one.

Brendan Crenshaw (14 years old, Spokane, Washington)
OK, this kid made your average bully from a Stephen King novel look like Bernie Sanders by comparison. We’re not going to go into detail about the stories we heard from his now relieved classmates, but it’s definitely a net positive for his community if he’s been institutionalized somewhere like Henry Bowers from “It”. We’re pretty sure even Brendan’s parents are in agreement here, so let’s let sleeping dogs lie and not contract Soul Asylum for their help in finding him. We’re actually starting to think they really did their homework here, and we’re just wasting our time and yours by listing these nightmare children.

Lori Haverbrook (14 years old, Lincoln, Nebraska)
Jesus Christ, this girl killed a bunch of dogs. She killed people’s dogs. Countless sources throughout Lincoln confirmed this. In fact, she was run out of town by an angry mob of townspeople that included her own parents. Soul Asylum is doing the right thing here. This kid is an irredeemable demon-spawn who is completely unworthy of returning home through her appearance in an alternative music video. In fact, if you’re in one of the communities that surrounds Lincoln and you see Lori, lock yourself in your house with your dog and call the police. For the love of God, do not attempt to make contact with her.

Neil Corbin (13 years old, Hialeah, Florida)
Ugh, we still have one more after this? Yes, Neil is missing. No, that’s not a bad thing. Have you seen “Adolescence” on Netflix? That’s nothing compared to what Neil did, and no, we’re not going to go into details. At least that kid had the excuse of having been completely corrupted by the Internet, but Neil’s parents didn’t even grant him access. They rightly thought it would make him worse, as if that could even be possible. Trust us: just appreciate the new Soul Asylum video when it comes out and don’t trouble yourself with a single concerned thought about Neil.

Damien Thorn (12 years old, Chicago, Illinois)
Honestly, we’re kind of confused that the band decided to pass on including Damien in their music video. From the conversations we’ve had with his family and the faculty at his academy, Damien is a bright, natural leader with a spotless behavioral record. Strangely, nobody we talked to seemed particularly phased by Damien’s disappearance, and some even gave us knowing smiles while saying something like “the infernal plan will surely come to fruition with our beloved Damien.” We’re not sure what that’s all about, but we implore Soul Asylum to reconsider their decision so we can return this future President to his Lincoln Park mansion.

There you have it. With the exception of #5, Soul Asylum is doing a bang-up job with their winnowing down of potentials to star in their new single. Stay tuned for our upcoming list of kids who didn’t make the cut to be the tap dancing kid in the next Blind Melon music video!

Urinal Cake Signals Beginning of Venue Gentrification

Posted on by Mark Danowsky

DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their squalid roots and gradually gentrifying, confirmed sources.

“I’ve seen it all before,” said Tim Klaw, a regular at Low Clearance. “This is CBGB all over again. Just you wait. It can be a slow creep but soon enough this place will be crawling with idiot hipsters who have never even heard of The Descendants let alone be able to name three songs. In any case, all I can tell you is I’m not about to start tipping the bartender for every goddamn PBR. As we all know, urinal cakes are a slippery slope to tipping screens.”

Low Clearance bouncer Jarvin “The Wall” Baker pulled no punches when asked how venue gentrification could impact his job.

“I’ve been working at LC for about a decade. I’ve seen it all. I saw the urinal cake bathroom upgrade and it’s like you’re pissing in a mansion now. I’m none too pleased,” said Baker. “Look, I had a kid, probably 14, pull a knife on me the other day. As I chase him off, he starts chucking ninja stars at me. I mean for fuck’s sake. All I’m gonna say is this better not mean no bullshit rules about ‘the right way’ to throw out some piece of shit who is acting like a total scumbag. Know what I mean? For me, trash goes in the dumpster. End of story.”

Renowned sociologist Dr. Ash Skansmill explained how the appearance of urinal cakes is a classic stepping stone in the well-studied venue gentrification process.

“Early signs of gentrification often involve small changes such as the appearance of a hand dryer in the bathroom instead of, well, nothing at all,” said Dr. Skansmill. “Then we see an upward trend towards status quo norms associated with cleanliness. Next steps might include the sudden appearance of napkins when they were never previously available. This slow creep, not unlike the hedonic treadmill, pushes out regulars and turns outsider spaces into trendy spots that appeal to upwardly mobile members of society. This culminates in outsiders being forced out of their natural fringe habitat by yuppies. It’s tragic to witness this time and time again.”

At press time, gentrification rumors were indeed confirmed after regulars noticed a new can of Lysol and bottle of Febreze in the restroom.

New Los Angeles Law Requires You to Ask Dog Owners Their Name Too

Posted on by Jay Leon Feder

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Superior Court ruled on Monday that all interactions with strangers’ dogs will require at least a minimal introduction to the owners themselves, after several complaints across the city, confirmed sources.

“It’s like everyone’s lost common decency. The yuppie transplants in my neighborhood only interact with me when I’m walking my 19-year-old pug, Oswalt. They all live in these ugly, sterile apartment buildings that look like Kaiser Permanente medical offices—the least they could do is memorize my name,” said 52-year-old former shoegaze guitarist turned inheritor Mitch Petri of Eagle Rock. “All I want is some recognition that I own a dog. Also some friends would be nice. That said, I can’t wait to call the cops the next time someone doesn’t make direct eye contact with me while petting my dog.”

While the law may be a win for some, other Angelenos lament the change as an unwelcome adjustment to their lifestyle.

“We’ve always just referred to our neighbor as ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom.’ We never even thought to learn her name when she first moved in across the street. I guess now we have to or else we’ll be literal outlaws,” said 66-year-old retiree Dana Porty of Culver City. “The real victim here is our maltipoo, Sheeba. Sheeba slowly wags her little tail each time we reference ‘Mochi and Miso’s Mom’ out of context. I guess she’ll learn the hard way about the American justice system.”

Dr. Erica Curtis-Tanaka, a sociologist from Mar Vista who currently works as a consultant for Hinge, advocated for this law.

“Many people blame the pandemic for the difficulty making friends in Los Angeles. The truth is, the current climate of social alienation began with the increase of social media and doggo memes,” said Dr. Curtis-Tanaka. “Over 50% of profiles surveyed on the major dating apps included some reference to dogs, and of that 50%, at least 75% included quotes along the lines of, ‘I would rather date your dog than you,’ and, ‘At the party, I ignore everyone but the dog.’ While that may seem lighthearted enough, a 2024 CityData survey discovered the number of missing dog signs across the city was over five times greater than missing children. The new law will force people to rehumanize each other.”

At press time, no local law enforcement officials have expressed confidence in how to enforce this new law.

Wanna Feel Old? This Is the Second Financial Disaster of My Adulthood

Posted on by Amir Adan

Are you ready to feel the effects of aging at a natural rate? Well, get a load of this. This is currently the second financial crisis of my adulthood. Top that, kids.

And yet I’m already nostalgic for a simpler time when the Obama-based government was bailing out AIG for a collective $182 billion, unemployment was at 10%, and I could express my frustration for being poor through a well-timed meme on Tumblr. Can you believe that was only 15 years ago? We didn’t know how good we had it.

The S&P plummeted by 58%, three million households were foreclosed on, and everyone was getting a mustache tattooed on their index fingers. They were cataclysmic times. But we got through it together.

Now we have this whole new financial disaster to deal with, but I assure you youngins’ that this one is not nearly as cool as the previous one. Back then, we could all get hammered and play flip cup. Sobriety hadn’t been invented yet, and a little-known benefit of alcohol is that it makes you temporarily forget about how broke you are.

Since this isn’t my first financial crisis rodeo, I can impart some wisdom on you recession virgins. First up, you’ll want to get a second and third job. This will diversify your exhaustion. But hey, at least you’ll have more than one income stream. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be enough to live on. But if I’ve learned anything about existence, it won’t.

It all feels like only yesterday that the last economic 9/11 happened. Time sure does fly between financial disasters. At this rate, I’ll have to endure another four or five more, but at least in the end I’ll get to die. Thankfully, there is no NASDAQ in the afterlife.

Merch Table Looks Suspiciously Like Garage Sale

Posted on by James Klinger

WAUSAU, Wis. — The products for sale at local thrash metal band Hellhund’s merch table reportedly looked more like a garage sale, confirmed sources currently checking out a 15-year-old silverware set.

“The band was okay, I guess, but what really caught my eye was the variety at their merch table,” reported concertgoer Jim Letter before asking the price of a bowling pin table lamp he was interested in. “Usually it’s some crappy printed t-shirt that doesn’t fit right, or a beer koozie. These guys are way ahead of their time, even for a bargain bandit like me. I managed to snag a gently used elliptical and even some yarn for my wife. Everything was so affordable that I even have enough money leftover to buy a $14 beer.”

Hellhund admitted that they financially struggled before diversifying their merch table.

“We weren’t making much money from our shows so our manager, my mom, came up with the revolutionary idea of selling some of our old stuff. So far it’s been a hit,” detailed drummer Roy Evans. “Now we’re packing the bars for our shows, the crowd loves us and people are moshing in the pit with antique vases. It’s so metal. I just hope my grandma doesn’t show up to our shows and see her jewelry for sale.”

Veteran band King Sludge’s merch guy Sean Callahan was clearly jealous of Hellhund’s popularity.

“I don’t really get how they’re selling so much merchandise,” Callahan explained. “Their line is always filled after the show despite us being the headliners. King Sludge has been filling this place for years, our sound blows people away, and our logo is way cooler, so I don’t understand. We’ve got shirts for $69.99, key chains for $35.99, and one of a kind pins for $45 apiece. What do they have, some hand painted mugs? They’ve never even been cheered on enough for an encore. It seems like the crowd can’t wait for the concert to be over. Wait a minute, is that our singer leaving their table and why does he have a patio set?”

As of writing, Hellhund is currently unloading their U-Haul rental and making plans to hire a moving company to focus on their next single, “Thrift to Thrill.”

Israeli Doctors Suggest Treating Biden’s Cancer With Indiscriminate Bombing, Followed by Starvation

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s prostate cancer, which will involve heavy bombing followed by a starvation campaign, sources confirmed.

“Joe Biden is revered in Israel for all he did during his presidency to make sure our country was armed with the most technologically advanced weapons of warfare the world has ever seen. We want to pay him back by helping treat this cancer and getting him back on his feet,” said Dr. Eitan Peretz. “The best course of action against something as evil as cancer is to bomb it out. Surgery is no longer a viable option, it’s too diplomatic, and the cancer could be allowed to regroup and come back stronger than ever. We have new bomb technology that could level President Biden’s cancer to dust. After that aggressive treatment, it’s best to starve him entirely. We won’t allow him to have food or clean water for months, it’s the only way to guarantee the problem is eradicated for good.”

Top Democrats in the Senate were excited to see President Biden working so closely with Israeli doctors.

“Israel has the best healthcare system in the world, all paid for by generous American taxpayers. He really is in great hands, if Israel is half as good at keeping people alive as they are at killing people in Gaza then President Biden could live another 30 years. And we really need him in 2028,” said Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.). “Because these doctors are being so generous with their time, I’m going to introduce a new funding bill that will give Israel carte blanche when it comes to weapons systems. It’s literally the least we can do to help our allies.”

Former President Biden remains optimistic about the future despite being informed that the cancer metastasized in his bones.

“Listen Jack, I’ve taken down bigger thugs than prostate cancer. I remember back when I was a teenager I used to go to this swimming pool and there was this guy there, everyone called him Smooth Tony, he was really Italian, you knew it because how greasy he was. Anyway, Smooth Tony challenged me to a drag race, and my car had never been beaten,” said Biden, trying not to nod off. “Where was I? So I said to the guy running the soda jerk that I’m not one to be trifled with. He ended up giving me an entire glazed ham. I loved that ham. I married that ham. Can someone turn the sun back on? I’m freezing my ass off here.”

At press time, the official White House doctor claimed President Trump is so physically fit that cancer cells are afraid to infect him.

IDF Warns Gaza Children’s Hospital Harboring Reincarnated War Criminals

Posted on by Matt Husser

TEL AVIV — The Israeli Defense Force defended their lethal bombing of a Gaza Children’s Hospital today by alleging that the kids inside were reincarnated Hamas war criminals, sources confirmed.

“We’ve recently discovered evidence that the reincarnated souls of dangerous Hamas terrorists have infiltrated the bodies of several youth-adjacent Palestinians in this so-called ‘Children’s Hospital’, and planned to use them as vessels to carry out their nefarious plot to wipe Israel off the map,” said General Yaniv Salama from the Israel Defense Force. “Thankfully our brave soldiers have wiped out the NICU harboring this Samsaran threat, but this is just one battle in the ongoing war on rebirth. Rest assured that whatever body these war criminals decide to reincarnate into next—be it children, journalists, or foreign humanitarian aid workers—we will find them and exterminate this metaphysical menace.”

Marshall Whitman, a spokesperson from AIPAC, later went on Fox News to strongly denounce the spiritual threat.

“The cowardly act of smuggling souls inside the bodies of children is Hamas’ most despicable plot yet—Abrahamic religions don’t even believe in reincarnation, which just goes to show you the lengths dead Palestinians will go to harm Israel,” said Whitman. “After this frightening revelation, I think we have to assume every Palestinian is a potential threat being used as a human shield by these dastardly spirits and must be eliminated. We must also consider the possibility that they possessed the missiles that were dropped on the hospital to frame the IDF, even though we did nothing wrong.”

US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reiterated that rooting out reincarnated war criminals and terrorists was a priority of the Trump administration.

“We want to make it clear that antisemitic transmigrants are not welcome in America, and our brave warfighters are ready to root out any reincarnated terrorists both domestic and abroad,” said Hegseth, wincing and exhaling sharply after taking a sip from his coffee cup. “I mean what’s next, dreamwalking indoctrination? Voodoo assassinations? Planting psychic IEDs in our minds? If they’ve already learned how to reincarnate into children, they’re likely already infiltrated Democratic politicians, college protesters, and that judgemental prick that runs my AA meetings.”

At press time, Israeli settlers claimed that they were forced to bulldoze a row of Gaza houses after a malevolent Palestinian poltergeist possessed the buildings.

Little Victory: My Ex’s New Last Name Sucks

Posted on by Zac Lux

In life, you need to claim victories when you can, no matter how minor. That’s why I will be spending the entire day celebrating the fact that my ex-girlfriend’s new last name is embarrassing as hell after she recently got married.

There I was, doing my weekly stalking of her Instagram page when I saw it. She updated her user handle to the most ridiculous last name I’ve ever heard. Sure, she married an independently wealthy man who runs his own charity and they just closed on their 2.5 million dollar house, but at the end of the day, you can’t run away from a surname like Assjhole. Evidently, the “H” is silent.

After all, she could’ve been Mrs. Seymour Wiener. But no. She just had to break up with me and lose that name change opportunity because, according to her, she needed someone with more emotional intelligence. What a tool.

Oh, and get this. She is already pregnant with their first child. Cannot believe she’s bringing an Assjhole into this world. That could’ve been my Assjhole kid!

Unfortunately, she seems pretty happy in her new life despite the shit name. I didn’t think that was possible. I mean, do you think Elon’s kid X Æ A-12 Musk is going to grow up to be happy with a name like that? Surely, he’ll be embarrassed to share a last name Musk. The first name is pretty cool though.

But whatever, now she has to update her driver’s license, credit cards, and Costco membership with her new last name. Then everyone will see what a foolish surname she’s wielding. Who knows? Maybe someone will bully her online so much that she changes her mind. And maybe that bully will be anonymous, who maybe even once stole 20 bucks out of her purse from her. You never know.

So, Monica Assjhole, if you’re reading this, please take me back. There’s still time to upgrade your last name to a more socially acceptable one.

Barenaked Ladies Threaten to Release Another Song Unless Tariffs on Canada Are Lifted

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified sources report.

“Donald Trump has upended decades of free trade between our two countries,” Barenaked Ladies singer Lloyd Robertson said. “We had intended this as a last resort, but unless he makes the extremely prudent decision to lift them, we will pervade the airwaves with another one of our insufferable songs. Does he not remember how awful ‘One Week’ was? Does he really want to subject his country’s citizens to my pseudo-rapping over uninspired college rock? We really didn’t want it to come to this, but what happens now is entirely up to him. He has 48 hours to come to a decision.”

President Trump was visibly shaken by the threat.

“I didn’t even consider this possibility,” Trump complained. “Don’t get me wrong, I still think the tariffs are a great idea, some say the best idea a President has ever had. I just didn’t think Canada would resort to such drastic measures in response to them. I was prepared for our economy to take a hit, but this is something else entirely. I don’t think I’m prepared for the fallout of another song by the Barenaked Ladies. This is undoubtedly the biggest decision of my presidency, and I’m going to have to think for a bit before I respond. Luckily I have many experts to meet with in making my decision. Big, strong experts. You wouldn’t believe how big these experts are.”

Trade expert Gretchen Aaberg discussed the threat from Barenaked Ladies.

“I have been studying trade for decades, and I’ve never seen anything this serious,” Aaberg provided. “Society barely made it through one Barenaked Ladies song without collapsing, and I shudder to consider the effects of another. Just the thought of hearing that guy rant about Chinese chickens or Harrison Ford again is enough to send chills down my spine. Hopefully this is the message that finally gets through to Trump, because it undoubtedly goes without saying that his tariffs are the dumbest economic policy enacted by any President in our country’s history. All we can do now is pray that he makes the right decision, for all of our sakes.”

At press time, Sum 41 decided to join Barenaked Ladies on the threat to release another song.

Local Man Hoping Fact He Worked Phrase “Late-Stage Capitalism” Into Conversation Makes Him Appear Smart

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Mick Lovell attempted to weave the phrase “late-stage capitalism” into casual conversation, hoping it would make his friends respect his intelligence, sources confirmed.

“I recently learned the phrase while listening to NPR in the back of an Uber. But I’ll be honest, it was a 25-minute car ride so I fell asleep a few times and I didn’t really understand what the conversation was about, I just knew it seemed really smart,” said Lovell. “I finally found the perfect time to bust it out to wow everyone when I was out to dinner with a few friends, and they were talking about how the abandoned mall in our hometown burned down because teenagers lit fireworks inside there. That’s when I hit them with ‘That’s late-stage capitalism for you.’ The table went quiet, they all looked at me in awe. It was so impressive that the waiter even came over and asked me if my food was tasting ok because he probably thought I was some big shot food critic with an IQ of 210.”

Lovell’s longtime friend Danny Haywood was at the table that night.

“We were all having a great time laughing and catching up on old times when Mick chimed in with the capitalism nonsense. After he said it he leaned back in his chair and put his arms behind his head with this smug expression on his face that confused all of us,” said Haywood. “My wife asked him to explain what he meant and that just made things way worse. He started mumbling about gender roles and then faked like he was choking and ran to the bathroom. The secondhand embarrassment was so overwhelming I nearly passed out.”

Sociologist Anna Duncan says there is more evidence that people are trying to inject buzzwords into conversations to appear more intelligent.

“I don’t want to blame everything on Joe Rogan, but fucking hell, almost everything can be blamed on that meatball. There was a time when men were proud to be dumb, they made up for it by being tough, but now they want to be smart guys who can kick your ass,” said Duncan. “Unfortunately for society, these men are only able to regurgitate half-formed thoughts presented by discredited ‘experts’ and we have an entirely new breed of men who punch through drywall while talking about microbiomes.”

At press time, Lovell’s Google history was littered with the search ‘What can I say to make people respect me?”