Aging Punk Never Thought Taking a Handful of Pills Would Be the Most Boring Part of His Day

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed sources.

“I used to get up to some pretty crazy shit back in the day and most of it was preceded by me slamming a fistful of capsules down my throat and chasing it with cheap vodka. Hell, one night I took a Xanny, an Addy, two hits of ecstasy, three or four Percocets, and a tab of acid all at once,” said Sullivan. “That’s the night I got the nickname ‘Goatfucker.’ I blacked out that evening, so I’m not completely sure how I got that name. I hope it’s not exactly what it sounds like. Good times though. Now I take twice that amount of pills every morning but it’s all boring shit like blood thinners, anti-depressents, and some little pink thing I can’t pronounce the doctor gave me for cholesterol.”

Sullivan’s wife expressed her own incredulity regarding how boring her husband’s drug intake has become.

“Goat — I mean, Mickey used to be a madman. He’d eat anything you’d hand him. Pink, yellow, blue, oval, round, he wouldn’t ask about the dosage or anything, just down the hatch. Back in the day we’d go see The Queers at The Rat, and Mickey would be in the pit the whole time taking elbows and not feeling a thing,” said Holly Sullivan. “Now he’s pushing 50 and breaks like a porcelain doll. If he even sneezes too hard, his back goes out and it’s bed rest and Advil for the next two days.”

Sullivan’s primary care provider, Dr. Ken Stuart, says this happens to every punk once they hit middle age.

“I see this all the time. Punks who used to shoot up in the club bathroom now give themselves daily insulin injections. Goths who used to wear gas masks as a fashion statement, now sleep with a CPAP,” explained Dr. Stuart. “Hell, I wouldn’t have graduated from med school without amphetamines. Now I have to drink decaf so my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest. What Mickey is experiencing is nothing unique. Getting old makes boring, normies of us all.”

At press time, Sullivan was strongly considering crushing up his morning medication into a fine powder and snorting it via some “fat rails” out of nostalgia.

Landlord Raises Rent to Cover the Cost of Never Doing Anything

Posted on by Charles Bill

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local landlord Larry McNulty was compelled to raise rent to cover the ever-rising cost of never doing anything whatsoever, confirmed sources who were already looking for a new place to live.

“It’s expensive sitting on your ass all day,” said the cash-strapped McNulty. “My rental properties only generate $35,000 a month, which is barely enough to cover my house, vacation home, three cars, yacht, and horse stabling fees. If I don’t raise rent, it’s going to become more and more difficult to ignore the maintenance requests I receive. It’s an extremely hard job that I have to do. Sure, I contract out almost everything and still make an absurd amount of money. But with the economy the way it is, I can barely afford my private jet.”

The plight of the landlord did not go unnoticed by his many residents.

“I feel really bad for Larry,” explained cash-hoarding renter and mechanic Tanya Pozner. “I work 10 hours a day, but he’s working 24 hours thinking about which contractor to hire that will do the least amount of work possible. My fridge has been broken for three months. Do you know how hard it is for him to have to see my requests to fix it every single day? If I had to guess, he can barely afford toilet paper and is using my requests to wipe his ass instead. I hope he doesn’t give me my deposit back. Maybe that will help him support his Fabergé egg collection.”

The landlord poverty crisis has become so bad that the government has begun stepping in.

“We want to create a safety net for our country’s oppressed landlords,” said Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner. “I am creating a national relief fund that will allow landlords to take no interest loans to cover the immense burden of owning dozens of properties. For too long have they been forced to accept meagre rents in exchange for the hard work of… wait a second. Hold on. Come back to me on this, I’ll figure it out.”

At press time, McNulty broke down crying when he realized that he could no longer afford his daily saffron enema.

Opinion: Repealing EPA Restrictions Will Only Make My Paint-Huffing More Adventurous

Posted on by Tim Sheard

My prayers have been answered: EPA restrictions are getting rolled back! This is going to make my afternoon hallucinations so much more wild. Bring those gnarly forever-chemicals home to daddy.

Ever since these safe alternatives have been introduced, my paint-huffing has gotten so damn boring. The high from natural products is beyond weak. When I think back to when I first got started, I was dealing with Papa’s paint from the ‘80s, leftover buckets in a leaning tower at the back of the garage. Those were loaded with a swamp of toxic chemicals, the noxious swill zapping my brain to life. An ethereal mix of hyper-focus and blurred energy that I’ve been trying to recreate since. Maybe we’re all just chasing our own dragon, in some way. Maybe that’s the eternal struggle.

I’m banned from all Dunn-Edwards locations, same with Sherwin-Williams. You have no idea the profiling I experience at the Home Depot. Visits to Kelly-Moore? Not happening any time soon. Sometimes I pay local kids to go inside for me, but even that scheme’s run dry since Gen-Z just stays inside.

Ordering online is the move these days. You know what was a game changer? The Internet, specifically Temu. You can order globby, synthetic paints which, with the rip of a seal, emit a foul chemical odor. A muted plastic stench. It’s heaven. You can feel your nostrils slowly coated with a slick, synthetic layer. But now with these tariffs, I can’t even order my mysterious international acrylic oils anymore. Thanks Biden!

Can you imagine the highs I’ll be getting again? Floating, just floating. I’ll be communing with satellites. I’ll be able to kiss my dead grandma on the lips and leave a paint stain on her glowing angel face. It’s worth it every time, especially with the leftover pigment smeared across my mouth, looking like a fringe ‘Mad Max’ villain. I can lick my cheeks later and get a freebie bump. That’s living, man.

Getting rid of these pesky EPA restrictions means I can buy American again. Finally, supporting a domestic cause. Like a true patriot. A patriot that also happens to be feeling pretty damn groovy from this can of half-dry paint I found in an unlocked garage down the street. Looks like everything’s finally working out for me.

Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still releasing new music, sources report.

“I actually just listened to their last album ‘72 Seasons’ and I’m growing really concerned,” Bonder confessed. “Is it morally right for me to bring a child into a world where this is almost guaranteed to happen again? I remember vowing to never procreate after hearing the appallingly titled ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self-Destruct.’ I guess I just assumed they would eventually do the right thing and hang it up forever. Now it’s clear that they’ll never stop, and I’m so worried I’m making the wrong decision.”

Bonder’s friend Deirdre Phong didn’t think bringing a child into this world was the right thing to do at this time.

“Listen, if it was 1986, things would be different,” Phong opined. “Metallica had just released ‘Master of Puppets’ and we had no reason to doubt their ability to make great music. But that was decades ago, and Metallica is still going strong despite the fact that they haven’t released a good album since before the Cold War ended. I mean, ‘St. Anger’ was over 20 years ago, so it’s not like this is a new problem the world is experiencing. Janice knows all of this, and still she’s bringing some pitiful soul into this world to hear whatever godawful music they still have in store for all of us. At the very least, she could’ve chosen to adopt some poor kid who’s already been born into our Metallica-poisoned society. If you ask me, this is an incredibly reckless and inexcusable decision.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich didn’t see the issue with his band’s music.

“Metallica has just entered the studio, so watch out,” Ulrich said. “I can confidently say this is the best material we’ve ever written, which is saying a lot considering how good ‘72 Seasons’ was. We just keep finding ways to make better music with each passing year. I know the world is a very dark place with everything going on right now, but metal fans can always count on new music from Metallica to be a rare ray of light. We might even announce another U.S. tour with Godsmack to make the release of the new album even better.”

At press time, Bonder was feeling better about her decision after remembering that it’s not possible for Metallica to do another collaboration with Lou Reed.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Acting Like We Didn’t Watch the AMAs

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The unofficial award season began this week with the highly anticipated 2025 edition of the American Music Awards. Because we’re so cool and edgy, we couldn’t be bothered to watch. It’s about ethics, and mainstream music is at its best, unethical and at its worst, kinda totally lame. To prove how committed to this bit we are, here are five ‘alternative’ songs we listened to this week since we totally weren’t shrieking at the top of our lungs when Billie Eilish allegedly fuckin’ swept that shit.

Wet Leg ‘CPR’

It wasn’t too long ago that you would hear the words ‘wet leg’ and immediately think of some non-existent fungal disease that occurs when you leave one leg in the pool for too long. Thanks to modern pharmaceutical breakthroughs and the help of a New Zealand rock outfit, we now just think of getting down when Wet Leg is mentioned. Their latest single ‘CPR’ strongly affirms the association with an unrelenting backbeat that would have us moving if we knew how to dance.

The World Is A Beautiful Place and I Am No Longer Afraid To Die ‘Beware The Centrist’

Guiness World Record holders for longest goddam band name The World Is A Beautiful Place and I Am No Longer Afraid To Die – often abbreviated as TWIABP which, honestly, is still kind of pushing it – have dropped a new track ‘Beware The Centrist.’ Stylistically, it finds the band digging into their hardcore inclinations. It’s a blazing and cathartic ride. Coming in at under two minutes it will speed past you literally faster than you can say ‘the world is a beautiful place and I am no longer afraid to die.’

Bright Eyes ‘A Song To Pass The Time’

In case your saddest, most concerning friend hasn’t already mumbled to you about it in passing, Bright Eyes’ landmark album ‘Fevers and Mirrors’ celebrated its 25th anniversary this week. Said friend celebrated by locking themselves in a dark room and listening to the album on loop for a full 48 hours. Conor Oberst, on the other hand, marked the occasion with a new sprawling piano rendition of ‘A Song To Pass The Time.’ It adds a delightful ‘hopeful but still sad’ vibe to the original’s ‘sad but still hopeful’ vibe.
A Song to Pass The Time (2025) by Bright Eyes

Holy Fawn ‘Beneath A Lightless Star’

‘Holy Fawn’? More like ‘Holy Fucking Shit’ amirite? The Phoenix trio has notoriously avoided classification since their formation in 2015, and their latest offering ‘Beneath A Lightless Star’ does little to clear things up. The track starts off serenely. For a full minute it lulls you through a lo-fi dreamy soundscape before slamming you head-first into a wall of sonic obliteration. Just when you think you have your bearings, the genres flip again, as if the band is doing some bizarre ‘evolution of post-hardcore’ bit. It’s as confusing as it is exhilarating, and you might never recover.

Neck Deep ‘You Should See Me Now’

In case you missed it, Welsh pop-punk heroes Neck Deep are back with their first new music since last year’s self titled LP. ‘You Should See Me Now’ is a cathartic and empowering anthem that plays out like a particularly productive therapy session held in the stock room of a Hot Topic. With hooks for days, it’s highly possible you’ll be involuntarily singing the chorus out loud to yourself as your increasingly concerned friends look on.

Now that you are certifiably too cool to listen to music normal people have heard of, you’re probably looking to feed that personality even more. You monster. Normally we wouldn’t advise further alienating yourself, but we already have a playlist, so why not share it? Check out every song we’ve ever listened to (in 2025) below:

Once Obscure Dr. Seuss Book “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” Popular Gift for Graduating Seniors

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — Random House Children’s Books official reissue of the long-dismissed 1991 Dr. Seuss manuscript “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” is quickly becoming the go-to gift for graduating seniors bracing for life in the rent-gouged, atmosphere boiling, politically divided, AI fueled nightmare world of adults, confirmed sources.

“Parents used to give grads ‘Oh, The Places You’ll Go!’ with a nice check tucked inside but kids need to know just how bleak it is out there right now,” said Sharon Delvecchio, Senior Editor at Random House Children’s Books showing the cover featuring a Truffula tree on fire. “This reissue is way more in tune with their vibe—and by vibe, I mean the existential dread that the world is spiraling toward its conclusion…but in rhyming verse. Reviewers have called it ‘delightfully grim’ and ‘enjoyably distressing.’”

However, according to some college graduates, the book may be a bit too honest.

“I opened it expecting whimsy and hope but by page five I was openly weeping into my cap and gown. It straight-up says, ‘Now you have the smarts and that important degree! But there’s no job for you without an unpaid internship, maybe three,’” said Bailey Kim, a recent graduate from NYU, while refilling her Klonopin. “It has these weird creatures like The Leaselock Fox and a town of middle-managers called The Superfluffus. One creature is called The Trumpelbluff—it’s an ominous, amorphous orange blob threatening global domination; which seems kinda’ prophetic for 1991.”

Academic experts believe the new edition will resonate deeply with Gen Z.

“The world has changed. Today’s graduates don’t need to be told they’ll soar—they need to know what to do when their wings are clipped by a third-party gig platform,” said Dr. Mina Rojas, a cultural sociologist at Columbia. “It’s also good the book is mostly pictures considering today’s college graduates only read at a 5th grade level. One page is just the Lorax’s rotting corpse with no words. I mean, the opening lines of the book say it all: ‘Congratulations, I guess, but the world’s a mess. You planned for adventure, to go here, there, and in between—Instead it’s four decades hunched behind a computer screen.’”

At press time, the book’s success already prompted plans for Random House to release “Apollo Global Management Guts The Chocolate Factory.”

Yeah Dude, We Know: Billie Joe Armstrong Just Revealed “Longview” Is About Jacking Off

Posted on by Tim Sheard

You can’t deny that Green Day’s “Dookie” is a legendary album. Therefore, when we heard that frontman Billie Joe Armstrong had given a tell-all interview regarding its first single “Longview”, we just had to twist an article out of it. To say we were let down when his big reveal turned out to be that it was about jacking off would be a huge understatement. Yeah, dude. We knew that already.

According to the interview, Armstrong apparently thought he was conveying new information by telling his interviewer that he got the song’s inspiration while sitting around in a fit of self-indulgent Onanism. Honestly, how fucking stupid does he think we are? What did he think we thought the song was about, anyway? Golf? Unbelievable.

OK, we suppose we’ll give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he thinks people don’t pay close attention to what he’s saying in his music. Smartphones have probably killed some of our innate curiosity with stuff like that, and it’s not like MTV plays “Say What?” anymore. Perhaps we’re being too tough on him, and it’s really not a big deal that he said this in his interview.

Actually, fuck that. He clearly says the word “masturbation” in the song. We take back that last paragraph. How insulting can a guy be to his fans? We’ve been listening to his music for the last 30 years. Well, to be fair, we’ve been casually aware of his music for 30 years. Still, he should be more cognizant of the average intelligence of people who are aware of his music. How out of touch has he gotten over the past three decades?

It’s not like we were expecting the scoop of the century, here, just something interesting. What’s next? Is Vitamin C going to tell us “Graduation (Friends Forever)” is about graduation? Is John Fogerty going to reveal that “Centerfield” is about baseball? For fuck’s sake, dude. Throw us a bone.

Oh well, we guess we’ll just move on from this and try to put more thought into our pitches going forward. Actually, we just read the rest of the interview, and it turns out Armstrong also revealed that “Dookie’s” artwork is a reference to the fall of the Berlin Wall. Goddamnit. That’s much more interesting. We really should have read the entire thing before we wrote this.

Straight Edge High Schoolers Don’t Need Booze to Not Have Fun at Prom

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on their ability to be completely miserable at their upcoming prom, confirmed sources.

“I don’t need society’s poisons to dress up, have a terrible time at an overpriced event hall, and follow it up with immensely mediocre sex that will be both a reality-shattering disappointment and also shape every kink and fetish of mine til I die. I can do that all on my own,” said 18-year-old Josh Michaels. “My friends look out for me like family. Our minds and bodies are free of that shit. I wanna be stone sober when I listen to some DJ in his 40s, who openly hits on the girls in my class, play the worst semi-popular songs from two decades ago, while also trying to sneak in stuff from his mixtape. Just like the X on the back of my hand, I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna sit through his whole terrible set.”

Prom king and stereotypically handsome quarterback Todd Bretson found their aversion to substances off-putting.

“They’re such nerds,” said Bretson. “The whole point of prom is to get ripped and make terrible decisions. How else are they gonna set into motion events that have severe repercussions well beyond middle-age, negatively affecting their ability to have both healthy adult friendships and sexual relationships until they inevitably take their regret and sadness out on their own underachieving kids, if they aren’t completely shit-housed? Fucking dorks.”

While the majority of their classmates may find the straight edge movement strange, members of the faculty have been very supportive of those students who wish to have an awful experience at prom while sober.

“It’s refreshing to see that some high schoolers fully reject the pull of drugs and alcohol, while also freely admitting that prom is gonna be just awful. It’s very brave of them,” said calculus teacher and prom chaperone Madeline Felton. “I mean, I won’t be sober. How could I be? You think prom is bad as a teenager, try being an adult. I’m watching these kids attempt to convince themselves they are having a good time, when we all know the world is fucked and the planet will only be livable for another 25 years, tops. Am I really supposed to do that without the help of the Captain? I don’t think so. Between you and me, I’m usually a little buzzed while teaching class anyway.”

At press time, Michaels was overheard saying he didn’t need drugs to go into life-ruining debt from student loans.

Study Finds You Can Just Walk Out of Target With Stuff and You Probably Won’t Get Caught

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A new study from the University of Michigan revealed that you can basically just walk out of Target with stuff and you most likely won’t get caught.

“We employed longitudinal, observational, and participatory research design methodologies to evaluate the practical efficacy of Unauthorized Merchandise Liberation (UML) within Target retail environments over an 18-month period,” said lead researcher Monica Carter. “Participants were randomly assigned to one of two cohorts: the first received Enhanced Theft Training (ETT), which included targeted instruction in situational awareness, eye contact mitigation strategies, and strategic tote deployment; the second received no preparatory training. Our findings suggest, with a high degree of confidence, that individuals can, in fact, remove merchandise from Target with minimal risk of intervention or consequence.”

Local punk Burt Mars expressed confusion about why anyone would need to study something so “obvious.”

“I steal from Target all the time,” said Mars. “Like, all the time. My whole week is basically: wake up at noon, go to Target, take stuff, meet up with my girlfriend, then we both go back to Target and take more stuff, get burgers, hit Target again, and then either go to a show, hang at Jinx’s place, or, if we’re bored, just go back to Target and, y’know… take stuff. I don’t even need most of it. It’s just, like, really easy and kinda fun. They should let me be in one of the studies or whatever. I’d be so good at it.”

Dr. Sarah Bundt, a humanities professor at the University of Southern California, has spent the last three years advocating for the formal recognition of Retail Extrication Studies (RES) as an interdisciplinary academic field.

“While this study from the University of Michigan may certainly help, the academy has historically been reluctant to legitimize theft as praxis—and, by extension, as a valid subject of academic inquiry,” Bundt explained, standing beside a whiteboard diagram labeled “Fluidity of Ownership in Monopsony Capitalism.” “I’ve tried. I’ve applied for grants under titles like ‘Kinetic Redistribution Theory’ and ‘Reclaiming the Aisle.’ Still, reviewers keep writing things like, ‘This is just stealing,’ and, ‘It’s already pretty obvious that taking things from Target without paying is easy,’ in the margins.”

At press time, a follow-up study revealed that the same logic likely also applies for Wal-Mart and most definitely Kohl’s.

What the Microplastics in Your Brain Say About You

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

As if the world wasn’t already falling apart, now you can add the microplastics piling up in your brain to the heap of trouble. But nobody said this had to be a bummer experience. Perspective matters. Get to know the microplastics inside you!

Befriend the nearly-invisible cluster of leftover matter nestled into your grey matter. Take confidence and pride in your new free-loading friends. Just like astrological signs or Turkish coffee stains, the microplastics inside your head reveal a lot about you. And I’m talking about the real you, the you “deep down.” Check out our examples below to see what song the plastic in your cranium sings to the world.

Polyethylene terephthalate
Found in synthetic clothing and plastic bottles, having this mixed into your brain means you are a fast fashion icon who’s always “on the go,” turning heads with new constant looks, mostly because the clothes break down after 2 weeks. The consumption from your monthly shopping alone triples the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Polypropylene
This microplastic is found mostly in food packaging, which means we have a foodie here. You’re a natural-born culinary genius with a flair for the kitchen. And of course by cooking, we mean unthawing processed meals in your oven. You’re a hopeless romantic for “home-cooked” meals, like your family’s secret DiGiorno Pizza prep. The fledgling worms nesting on your fleshy-plastic brain mush will live longer on the processed pepperoni. Thriving!

Polystyrene
Found in foam packaging, which means your love language is gift-giving. It is so thoughtful that you are constantly buying foam-packaged gifts for your loved ones, safely boxed for their convenience. The memories may be temporary but the unboxing runoff of molecular plastic contorting our cells into malignant masses lasts forever.

Polyvinyl chloride
Commonly found in flooring and pipes, this microplastic means you’re a regular working-class citizen that loves getting dirty. Maybe you’re a carpenter, forced to work with shoddy materials purchased at bulk for discount rates. Don’t worry, the additives will make it impossible for you to ever formally draw together any complaints due to cognitive deterioration.

Polycarbonate
Found in CDs and electronics, this means you’re a total tech-head nerd squad regular with entrepreneurial spirit. Congratulations poindexter, guess all your studying couldn’t save you from a billion year decomposition thanks to the microplastics permanently encased in your skull. At least you made some sweet mixtapes along the way.

If you can’t connect with the microplastics in your brain, there are always other options. Perhaps consider moving into a rustic aged house. Perfect especially for an “old soul” willing to try new experiences, as long as they’re willing to put up with a dollop of asbestos and a sprinkling of lead.