We Interviewed Folk Punk Icons the Messed up Looking Hamsters From the Quiznos Commercial

Posted on by James Knapp

Remember The Spongmonkeys? Sure you do, they were those two fucked up-looking hamster things that convinced the world that toasting a sandwich was enough to make fast-sub chain Quiznos palatable and profitable, for a few years at least. And as with all deformed sloppy food mascots, the Spongmonkeys have had an insurmountable influence on the folk-punk scene. We decided to sit down with these abominations to figure out just, like, what the fuck is up with them?

The Hard Times: So a lot of people seem to think you two have had a huge influence on the folk-punk scene. But fuck talking about that – what the hell are you guys?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: What do you mean? We’re an advertisement used to sell toasted subs made by an animator that got pushed over the edge.

HT: Makes sense. So you guys probably hate corporations and the government then, right?

Hamster That Can “Sing”: Nope. We just really love sandwiches.

HT: Really?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: Sure. Listen to this song we wrote but never got a chance to use in the commercials.

Hamster That Can “Sing”: 🎶Ohhhhh… we love sandwiches, and doing heroin…🎶

HT: You know what? We got the jist of it. So you guys have been pretty influential on the folk-punk scene.

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: Oh we don’t really know nothing about that. We just know that Quiznos has a pepper bar!

Hamster That Can “Sing”: 🎶They got a pepper bar! My friends hate that I do heroin!🎶

HT: We gotta be honest, you guys aren’t exactly what we were expecting.

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: What exactly were you expecting after watching those commercials? Jesus, what in the fuck could anyone possibly be expecting after watching those commercials?

HT: Fair point. Until recently we believed you to just be a fever dream or acid flashback.

Hamster That Can “Sing”: Precisely. That’s why our main demographics have always been folk punks and people suffering from Quiznos-induced diarrhea.

HT: Neat! So what’s next for you two considering that Quiznos has been out of business for more than a decade?

Hamster Wearing Pirate Hat: We’re gonna sue the fuck out of those guys for royalties! We just look crazy, but we ain’t crazy enough to give up that cash!

Goth’s Funeral Attendees Unsure of Which Hearse to Follow

Posted on by Drew Gigis

TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery, confused sources confirmed.

“Josh and I were really close growing up having lived just three doors down from each other, but we kind of grew apart after I started focusing on sports and he got really into The Cure and started wearing cloaks,” said childhood friend Vince Wheaton. “I thought it was pretty weird when I saw seven hearses leaving for the cemetery going multiple directions, so it took me a little bit of extra time to get there. What’s even stranger was that several of these goth attendees appeared to have brought their own crow from home. They were all somehow domesticated too.”

The hearse owners at the funeral, including Lukas “Midnight” Albright, made pit stops on the way to the grave site causing many members of the precession to take the wrong route.

“I realized I had forgotten my black umbrella at my living quarters and I couldn’t properly mourn my associate of darkness without it. I never leave home without that thing,” said Albright. “I did feel bad for the mainstreams that trailed behind me, but that’s life, it’s all mundane pain and misery until the red thread of suffering comes to an end. Besides, I thought it was pretty clear which hearse to follow, but that might be because I always instinctively know which vehicle has a dead body in it.”

Mortician Oliver Fredricks appeared to know some of the attendees as he greeted several of them by name.

“This particular ceremony was harder on me than most because I knew Mr. Nightfall fairly well, he and many of his friends frequently commiserate at the local cemetery,” explained Fredricks. “They’re incredibly respectful to the land so nobody really has a problem with it. The worst that has ever happened was we had to ask them to not chain smoke next to ongoing ceremonies. But generally, they voluntarily help shoveling the dirt onto the caskets, so I can’t complain.”

At press time, many attendees noted that while getting to the cemetery may have been a chore, finding the grave site was made easy due to the tombstone being a life-size statue of Brandon Lee from “The Crow.”

Ranked: Every David Lynch Movie We Would Rather Live In Than Deal with This Election

Posted on by Dan Rice

Unless you’re a very particular type of person, the films of David Lynch are not what come to mind when you think “comfort food.” They are surreal, intentionally disorienting, and at times terrifying. They’ve been known to give viewers a confusing sense of existential dread, but that feeling is nothing compared to what life in the United States will be like for the next four months.

We all know that the lead-up to America’s presidential election is going to be hell after fresh hell each and every day. Between immunity granted to him by the Supreme Court and undecided voter sympathy after his failed assassination attempt, Trump seems stronger than ever. And with Democrats scrambling to push forward an untested, flawed candidate certainly nothing could go wrong? Virtually all of our societal woes—inflation, violence, bigotry—are on the rise, and will be weaponized by both sides in an effort to fill us all with frothing hot rage. Suddenly living in a David Lynch movie doesn’t sound so bad! But which one?

We’ve ranked all ten of David Lynch’s feature-length films to determine which one we’re most likely to “Last Action Hero”/”Pleasantville” our way into to escape the madness of late-stage capitalism’s performative democracy, and we strongly urge you to join us!

10. Eraserhead (1977)

This would be a completely lateral move. Both in this David Lynch film and in real life there’s nothing more terrifying than being forced to have a baby, and in both places that’s exactly what a lot of us are looking at.

9. Lost Highway (1997)

This was once considered David Lynch’s most surreal story, in which a man accused of murder inexplicably transforms into another person while in prison. Unfortunately, life has caught up with Lynch’s trademark strangeness, as the Democratic presidential candidate has transformed from a doddering old white man to a black female cop no one cares about overnight. Much like the film, no one knows what this means, where this is going, or how it will all end, they just know to be confused and scared.

8. Blue Velvet (1986)

In the world of this movie, the seedy bizarre underbelly of idyllic Americana doesn’t come out and attack you. It’s not front and center supporting fascism and trying to throw librarians in prison. You gotta go poking your nose around in places you know you shouldn’t. Kyle MacLachlan could have just put that ear down and gone about his day and everything would have been hunky-dorey. In real life, we don’t have that choice. No matter what we do, no matter how hard we try to ignore the unpleasantness, we are all trapped in a closet watching Dennis Hopper (Trump,) huff gas, (Qanon,) turn into “baby” and commit assault against Dorothy Vallens (the constitution/basic human decency.)

7. The Elephant Man (1980)

Often called Lynch’s most accessible film, the story of John Merrick, aka “The Elephant Man” is tragic, gut-wrenching, and still far more palatable than any major news outlet will be for the next four months.

6. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)

This prequel to the series “Twin Peaks” recounts Laura Palmer’s tragic final days and fleshes out some of the cryptic mythology Lynch first established in the show, though ultimately asks more questions than it answers. Originally over five hours in length, Lynch was forced to cut significant chunks from the final version, and it shows. The film is extremely disjointed, nightmarish, and often devoid of context, even by David Lynch standards. Still, let’s look at some of the things this cinematic hellscape has going for it over our world:

  • No one ever says “He’s gonna run the country like a business.”
  • The federal government has a task force dedicated to protecting us from evil.
  • David Bowie shows up for a little while.We’ll take it!

5. Wild at Heart (1990)

Lynch’s obsessions with ’50s Americana and “The Wizard of Oz” are on full display in this two lovers against the world road trip movie. Despite the film’s deliberate artifice and fantastical imagery, it’s one of Lynch’s most violent, graphic, and upsetting entries, though it ends on an endearing and hopeful note and that’s more than we’ll be able to say on November 5th.

4. Inland Empire (2006)

Imagine being glued to the TV on November 5th desperately tracking the exit polls as Trump goes head to head with whoever the fuck only for someone off camera to yell “cut” and your world pans out and it turns out everything is normal for a second. Sure there will just be more weirdness ahead and sure you’re shot on digital and look like shit, but that one little moment of reprieve? We would kill for that.

3. Mulholland Drive (2001)

Full-blown amnesia, while normally not ideal, would be great right now. Sure we would spend the ensuing time uncovering horror after horror—the dirty man/creature behind the diner, the mysterious and sinister cowboy, Project 2025, etc, but that brief period of time where we have absolutely no idea what’s going on and Naomi Watts is being super nice to us would be a great little vacation from all the chaos of this election cycle.

2. The Straight Story (1999)

Lynch calls this his most experimental film, but since everything Lynch follows Bizzaro world topsy-turvey opposite day rules, it’s actually his most normal movie. It’s the story of an extremely stubborn old man, but instead of insisting on staying in a presidential election he can’t possibly win way too long, he takes a 240-mile trip on a riding mower to visit his sick brother and has cutesy misadventures along the way. Harmless elderly doddering, what could be more refreshing right now?

1. Dune (1984)

Is it the best David Lynch movie? No. Is it the best “Dune” movie? Not even close. Is it a good movie by any metric? Probably not. Yeah it’s weird as hell, dogged by studio notes and a lot of it just doesn’t work but it has its moments, it has its charms, and at the end of the day an oppressive empire is overthrown by the people. What could be better escapism from our current political landscape than that?

Nature Valley Introduces “Just Crumbs and Dust” Breakfast Bar

Posted on by Reece Napierski

MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North American audiences next month, confirmed sources who stopped buying those 15 years ago.

“We’ve spent $2.4 billion in research and development powered by the latest AI. It’s groundbreaking and brave,” said Nature Valley CEO Jeff Harmening. “Consumers can now carve their own path when enjoying our award-winning granola debris. They are no longer confined by traditional paradigms of rolled oat bars that are solid and stay together organically. Our focus groups ensured us the experience was ‘liberating’ albeit ‘confusing’ and ‘unwarranted.’ Still, it tested way higher than Apple Jacks ever had.”

Bailey “Big Dog” Harmening, the 17-year-old intern credited with coming up with the concept who just so happens to be the CEO’s son, described the creative process behind the product’s development:

“I thought, what if these bars were like, even more smashed up, yo. It’d be hella funny,” said the high school student. “It has all the health benefits of granola, but it’s in powder form. You know when you’re eating an oat and honey-flavored Nature Valley granola in your car and about 30 tiny pieces of it unexpectedly break off and they end up all over your seat, floor, dashboard, center console, cup holder, gas tank, and engine? That’s what sets us apart. Our products defy the laws of physics.”

Hervé Carver, a leading food scientist of 40 years, noted that the “Just Chunks and Dust” product is the latest step in major food processors trying the first idea they come up with.

“In the last year we’ve seen the McDonald’s Grimace Meal, Kraft’s Chubby Checker Chunky Cheddar Mac and Cheese, and, of course, Arby’s Slop Restaurant,” said Carver. “It’s increasingly clear that the industry thinks consumers will eat anything that you put in front of them, and they’re not exactly wrong. For instance, Hamburger Helper was invented as a joke in the ‘70s and people still eat it up today. No one even knows exactly what it is for sure.”

At press time, Nature Valley also announced that their granola bars will come with their own little vacuum cleaner to pick up the inevitable crumbs.

I Tried To Dance Like No One Was Watching, But People Were Watching And Now They’re Saying Mean Things To Me

Posted on by Charles Bill

People always told me to dance like no one was watching. To sing like nobody’s listening. But it turns out those people were assholes because I tried to take their advice and people fucking hated me. I’ve never been so humiliated and now I fear for my safety.

I’m usually a wallflower. But after a couple of stiff drinks at the local piano bar, I tried to come out of my shell and it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve never seen so many horrified faces. Their disgust turned to anger, their anger turned to hatred, and that’s when the name calling started.

At first it was just a few of them laughing and asking if I was ok. I told them “I’m just trying to groove” and that made things worse. They called me things like “Pig Fucker,” “Chode Chugger,” and “the biggest mistake my parents ever made.” It really seemed like a personal vendetta all because of my moves.

I just kept trying to move my arms rhythmically while pumping up my knees. That’s all I remember, the rest of my dancing was a blur of sweat, nervousness, and head bobs. Then things started to get physical. Someone threw a rotten tomato at me. Then a person threw a folding chair that really messed my knee up.

I kept trying to dance. One child who was there pointed at me and started crying before burying his face in his mother’s breast. I think someone threw up. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life up to that point.

Eventually a large man assembled what I can only describe as a posse of do-gooders who all dragged me off the dance floor. One sat me down and told me in no uncertain terms that if I got back up there he would break my fucking legs if I tried to do that again.

Somehow my dance moves offended everyone in both personal and cultural ways. I united the entire bar in hatred against me like Ozymandias from “Watchmen.” In my sad state I looked for the friend who I had come with, who had encouraged me to dance in the first place. When I found them, they denied me, as Peter denied Christ.

One thing I learned from this harrowing experience is that I’ll never even attempt to make my own kind of music.

Chicago Braces for Worst After Dave Matthews Band Private Jet Scheduled to Fly Over City

Posted on by Matt Husser

CHICAGO — Local residents are reportedly hunkering down and preparing for the worst after Dave Matthews Band’s private jet was scheduled to fly over the city threatening another fecal catastrophe, city officials confirmed.

“No, no, no, this can’t be happening again—I finally made a breakthrough at therapy for the trauma caused by the first time Dave dumped liquid shit onto me during that architecture tour,” said Martin Hall, survivor of the Dave Matthews Band Chicago River incident. “I can’t leave my apartment now, his airplane could be right above the city just waiting to unload any minute now! Dave Matthews is probably waiting until I leave the front door so he can watch gallons of his shit water crash into me! Oh god, I need to call my therapist.”

One shop owner witnessed the chaos in the streets as Chicago residents frantically bought out supplies so they could wait out the aerial excrement assault.

“This big mob rushed into my shop and cleaned me out of paper towels and Lysol, and I had to call the cops after two guys got into a fistfight over the last toilet plunger,” said Clark Gilbert, owner of the Grey Street Mini Mart. “I tried to tell them that there’s not a plunger on God’s green earth that’s going to save them if Dave Matthews rains a biblical flood of shit down on you from the sky, but when people start panicking there’s no reasoning with them. Personally, my insurance plan if I get caught in this shit storm is a 9mm bullet with my name on it. If it comes to that, well—I’ll see you in hell, Dave Matthews.”

City officials were already scrambling to have the flight diverted before disaster strikes the city again.

“Can’t Dave just fly over Milwaukee or something? Hell, you could dump 8,000 gallons of shit on Indianapolis and no one would even notice,” said Chicago city official Paul Amir, pacing during a phone call with the Department of Aviation. “The Mayor’s breathing down my neck because his niece is having a birthday party today and I need to assure him that some jamband isn’t going to rain a poonami of shitwater down on the bouncy castle.”

At press time, Evangelical Christians were gathering in the streets to witness the “11th Plague” that would soon arrive, claiming it would signal the beginning of the end times.

Giggling Clarence Thomas Spends Entire Night Chatting on Phone With Donald Trump About Ways to Block Kamala Harris Nomination

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly spent the entire night laughing and talking on the phone with former President Trump about far-fetched ways to force President Biden to stay in the presidential race, confirmed sources worried about long-distance phone rates.

“Oh my god, Donny is so flippin’ funny sometimes. When Ginni (Thomas) handed me the phone and told me who it was I turned bright freakin’ red, aaaaaaaah,” said Thomas while practicing writing “Clarence Trump” in his notebook. “We talked for hours about obscure legal precedents that could force delegates to pledge their votes to Biden, and we also talked about different ways to interpret the 25th Amendment and before I knew it five hours had already gone by. I kept being like you need to hang up first, and he told me I needed to hang up first. Then I asked him if he liked anyone on the Supreme Court like, more than a friend. I told Donnie I’m going to be on Harlon Crow’s yacht for the next few weeks and he needs to come by to party.”

Other members of the Supreme Court are starting to show signs of jealousy because of Justice Thomas’ flirty rapport with the Republican nominee.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here. I feel like I’m invisible when it comes to Trump,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh trying to hold back tears. “After I helped end Roe v. Wade I was expecting maybe a call or a text saying he was proud of me, but I got totally ghosted. Everyone looooves Clarence, but I’m the one that perjured myself during my confirmation hearings. I guess that means nothing to some people. If I don’t start getting some respect around here I’ll drift more towards the center. I’m serious, they won’t be able to count on ol’ Brett to end Obamacare, nope. Sorry, not sorry. Shoulda thought of that when you bailed on my birthday party.”

Janice Escovitch of the Supreme Court watchdog group For the People is alarmed by the relationships Trump has with so many justices.

“It’s kind of sad at the end of the day, these are full-grown adults being strung along by a power-hungry madman and they don’t even realize they are being used,” said Escovitch. “There was a recent series of photos with Trump and Justice Neil Gorsuch on what seemed to be a date at a mini golf course at Mar-a-Lago. The former president was standing behind Justice Gorsuch to help him with his swing, and there was even a photo where they were sharing an ice cream cone. Trump is a player, and these justices don’t understand the game.”

At press time, Justice Thomas was working up the courage to ask Trump to be his date to the annual Supreme Court Winter Formal.

Man On Day Two Of Meltdown After Being Asked Favorite Band

Posted on by Matt McInerney

KEENE, N.H. — Local man Wesley Peck is on day two of an absolute meltdown after being asked what his favorite band is, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“Sure, I have favorite bands, but to narrow it down to just one, that’s an impossible task. Why would someone put me in that situation? It’s like asking me to summarize my entire life experience in a tweet,” said Peck as he paced back and forth. “Maybe Every Time I Die? It shows I’m a little hardcore, a little metal. But I don’t want people to think I’m just a metalcore dude. And it’s gotta be more obscure. Maybe Earth would do the trick. The Black-Sabbath’s-old-name thing should play well. But I’m not sure if drone metal gets to the core of who I really am. I could just say Sabbath, but that’s so mainstream. Or The Weakerthans, but that’s not hardcore. What if I just said ‘you wouldn’t have heard of them anyway.’ Oh, that’s pretty good! But is it too pretentious? Fuck!”

Bonnie Garcia, a friend of a friend, was unintentionally responsible for this meltdown.

“I was just trying to make conversation. I had no idea my question would kick off a full-on identity crisis. It started out innocently enough; he’d start to answer, stutter, then stare off into the distance,” said Garcia. “It escalated quickly though. By his fourth attempt, I could almost see smoke pouring out of his ears. He finally asked if he could get back to me before storming off. My other friends said they haven’t seen him since. They’re planning a candlelight vigil for Friday.”

Henley Payne, a social psychologist, understands how serious a favorite band can be.

“If you dedicate your life to the music you love and build your personality around it, trying to pick just one band can be a monumental feat. It’s like asking the cast of ‘Sister Wives’ to pick a favorite child–a lot easier if you only have a couple to pick from,” said Payne. “We’ve all heard of decision paralysis, but this is the next level. No one thinks picking pasta sauce epitomizes who you are as a person. Well, unless you pick Ragu. I just can’t imagine having that little self-esteem.”

At press time, Peck had emerged and finally found Garcia to share his favorite band, to which she responded, “I’ll check them out, what’s your favorite song?”

Opinion: Frankly I’m Surprised That Qualifying for a “License to Ill” Requires So Much Paperwork

Posted on by James Knapp

Well, this was certainly unexpected. Here I am, a relatively law-abiding American citizen, trying to submit my application for a simple “License To Ill” only to get railroaded by the bureaucracy down at the county clerk’s office again. Why can’t things just be easy for once?

Also, I think it’s strange that “Ill Licensure” has its own office. Couldn’t they save a lot of money by just having it handled by the Public Works department?

Of course, I expected there to be some paperwork involved with me becoming a fully credentialed “iller.” But why in the love of fuck do I need to provide five years worth of tax returns to prove that I have 51% of my estate dedicated to “dope chillin’” at all times. That seems like something I should be able to provide on rep alone without it being filled out in triplicate.

And the clerk in this office absolutely reeks of salvia. He definitely did not file those 1040s properly.

All I want to be able to do with this license is fight for my right to party within a completely above board capacity, which will already be difficult since the License To Ill is only valid in Williamsburg and parts of Red Hook for some reason. I mean why even have the license if you’re gonna make it impossible to apply for and even then restrict it so much?

You know how most government offices have a little tray with coffee in the waiting room? Well this one just has a box filled with orange juice and forties of malt liquor, so that’s nice at least.

So now they’re saying that I need to refile all of my previous paperwork because “the beat was dropped” in my last application. I’m not even sure what that means so maybe this whole idea was a non-starter. I think I’m just gonna mix myself one more brass money for the road. Boy, it’s gonna be a pretty sloppy subway ride back to Brooklyn for me.

Rob Halford Receives Final Warning for Riding Motorcycle Inside Costco

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX – Heavy metal icon and singer of Judas Priest Rob Halford reportedly received a final warning for riding his motorcycle inside his local Costco, startled sources rushing from his path confirmed.

“Frankly, we’ve been extremely lenient with Mr. Halford up until now,” said Tara Becker, general manager for the bulk-grocery chain’s Phoenix location. “While we certainly appreciate his business, we simply can no longer accept him slowly rolling his Harley Davidson into this store amidst smoke from machines he’s surreptitiously installed on either side of the door. The sound of him revving the engine alone is enough to frighten away our customers who are just trying to enjoy our myriad low prices on name-brand products. We’ll have no choice but to revoke his membership if he does this again.”

Halford expressed dismay at this treatment, but appeared resolute in not altering his behavior going forward.

“You don’t become a metal god by bowing down to every demand made to you by authority figures,” the singer scoffed while adjusting his signature jewel-bedazzled leather jacket and cabbie hat. “I’ve been riding my motorcycles on stage for decades to millions of Judas Priest fans, so I don’t see why Costco should be any different. Why should my monthly outing for groceries and cat food be any less epic than singing ‘Hell Bent for Leather’ to thousands of screaming metalheads?”

Cultural psychologist Jamaal Wilkins remarked that such an attitude is common amongst prolific musicians in the metal and punk genres.

“Mr. Halford is certainly no exception when it comes to this type of conduct,” said Wilkins. “There is a long history of artists carrying their on-stage antics into inappropriate settings. GG Allin was famously banned from all K-Mart locations for defecating on the floor in the electronics department, and Ben Weinman is no longer welcome in Guitar Center after climbing and immediately falling off a Marshall Stack display in a New Jersey store. Once one has spent years living concurrently as both a performer and an everyday citizen, it can become increasingly difficult to toggle between the two.”

“I have to add, though,” Wilkins concluded, “that those dweebs at Costco are totally overreacting. Priest rules.”

At press time, Halford was spared from further castigation when store employees were called to the Personal Care section to address a shirtless Iggy Pop cutting his chest open with a package of men’s razor blades.