‘Mass Effect’ Fan Skeptical That Their Choice in Presidential Election Will Influence Ending

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

RIVERTON, Wyo. — Avid Mass Effect fan Martin Shore plans to opt out of voting in the upcoming 2020 presidential election, citing skepticism that his choice will ultimately have any impact on the ending of the race.

“Look, I’ve been down this road before,” explained Shore, a former Bioware fanatic who put countless hours into the original Mass Effect trilogy. “They tell you every choice you make matters, but then you finally reach the ending and guess what? You get the same shitty outcome no matter what. I’m not putting myself through that again, no way.”

While Shore said that he usually “votes Paragon no matter who” in every decision, he expressed frustration that America keeps getting the Renegade ending every time. 

Representatives from Bioware rejected his criticism, insisting that there were significant differences between the games and United States electoral politics.

“Frankly, I resent the comparison between Mass Effect and the American political system,” Mass Effect director Casey Hudson explained. “Shit on Mass Effect 3’s ending all you want, but at least it was possible to achieve a peaceful resolution. Try even getting an ambiguously happy ending this November.”

Shore only became more jaded after reading a walkthrough of each candidate’s platforms. While he admitted that each candidate’s path looked different on paper, he was baffled that their approach to issues like health care was virtually the same despite different dialogue options. 

“Listen up Jack, I ain’t like that other guy,” presidential candidate Joe Biden pleaded over a Zoom call with Shore. “Trump would sacrifice our closest allies to destroy our enemies, that’s just the facts. But me, I’m gonna take control of threats like police violence by creating a stronger police force in our country. You better believe that’s going to keep America safer for Black Americans, pal.”

Despite persuasive arguments from both Biden and Trump, Shore still planned to skip the polls and instead complain about the result online later, in hopes that the government would eventually just retcon the ending anyways.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Bored Woman Quietly Re-Follows All Messy, Oversharing Facebook Friends Unfollowed Over the Years

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BOISE, Idaho — Local bored woman Mona Trevino has quietly re-followed all of the messy, oversharing friends on Facebook she previously unfollowed after exhausting every other activity to pass the time in quarantine.

“I spent the first two weeks dealing with unemployment, and after I got that outta the way, I was kinda looking forward to reading some novels and getting my garden started,” Trevino stated, of her newly free days and nights. “Somehow instead, though, I just sorta ended up on Facebook way more than I had been in like, five years. But it was mostly just the same 20 people sharing info about mutual aid and prison stuff, which is great… but kinda boring, TBH.”

Realizing that her Facebook feed’s entertainment quality decreased dramatically after unfollowing several “shitshow of a human being” friends over the years, she quietly re-followed several, which has greatly improved her scrolling experience.

“My immediate go-to was Kaley [Pinker] from high school, and fucking Christ, she did not let me down. It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone call their new baby’s dad’s step-mom a ‘fat cunt,’ but Kaley did it no less than three times in like, 36 hours, and she accidentally tagged the step-mom in one of the posts. That got me through a really slow patch last Wednesday afternoon,” Trevino recalled. “The other nine I followed back weren’t as exciting, but at least two spilled a ton of dirt about child support drama… and no less than all of them have invited any ‘fake bitches’ to ‘just unfriend them now,’ because they’re ‘tired of being let down.’ I made sure to turn notifications on for all of those.”

“I also love how all of them don’t believe the coronavirus actually exists,” she added. “It’s a delight.”

Self-care expert and recently furloughed server Lenny Zachs recommends Trevino’s approach to getting through quarantines in whatever way possible.

“Self-care isn’t just face masks and bubble baths — sometimes, taking care of ourselves looks like staying up until 3 a.m. furiously scrolling through the Facebook feed of that guy you worked with at that call center back in 2012 and attempting to piece together the backstory behind his ‘arson incident,’” Zachs said. “Plus, venting this stuff out is good for the poster, too.”

“Sure, it’d probably be better to talk with a therapist about the time their ex-wife blew some metal dude outside of a show,” he added, “but those comments assuring that everyone ‘knew she was trash’ can go a long way, as long as no one accidentally ‘likes’ them.”

I’m Tired of Liberal Scare Tactics Telling Me to ‘Watch Out for That Car!!’

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

Welcome to the liberal USA, where good honest folks are bullied into believing the democrat agenda. All because we don’t hold the same views about petty stuff like equality, evolution, or soap. And if it’s not bullied into you, the freedom haters will use fear tactics to scare you into it! It’s psychological warfare. Don’t believe me? Just now, I took two steps into a crosswalk and three liberals screamed at me to “watch out for that car!!”

Yep, in these United States of Killary Clinton, you can’t even walk off a sidewalk into a busy intersection anymore without Big Brother telling you what to do.

I cross this street every morning to get my Jersey Mike’s sub. What can I say, I love Italian food. Not once have I been hit by a car! Yet, snowflakes think I should “step back” because a Kia Sorrento is “coming right towards” me.

In truth, I don’t know if the libs signaling me to turn around are paid actors or well-meaning cucks who really think they’re about to witness a graphic collision. Both are an existential threat to our democracy.

The point is, sheeple are so focused on the car they’ve been conditioned to fear, they don’t see the chemtrails coating their sky with toxins. That’s a real thing the government is doing to weaken our nation’s firm cumulus clouds with gross, dribbly ones, but they’re too entrenched in CNN’s distractions to notice. So instead of wondering why the government is making clouds less fluffy, these libs are shouting, “Jesus Christ! You’re gonna get hit!”

Some people ask why we don’t err on the side of caution, even if we don’t believe the scare tactics. It’s a domino effect. The more we indulge in these scare tactics, the more restrictions they’ll use to control us in the name of safety. Like speed limits. We let the government tell us how fast we could drive and then what happened? 9/11! Or did it? I forget where my side fell on that one.

Personally, I’m not ready to give up my freedom to walk across the street without looking. If these snowflakes want to take that right from me, they’ll have to pry it from my cold, flat hands. Don’t tread on m—OH SHIT!

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DULUTH, Minn. — A mother using Facebook’s newly introduced Night Mode was reportedly concerned she had wandered into the secretive underbelly of the web known for its nefarious activities. 

“Oh lord, I think I’m in pretty deep here,” remarked Shelly Pierce, a 51-year old mother of two who had inadvertently turned on the new Facebook feature, which merely turns the white background of the website black. “I got on Facebook and something happened and now I’m on that dark web, I’m sure of it. There’s people on here cursing, talking about taking away police, and I saw a man named Joe Bogan tell me to take drugs. I was just trying to find out if church services were happening and now I fear I will wake up radicalized.” 

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, clarified that the recent update to the platform was merely a cosmetic one, aping similar modes introduced by many of the most popular social media apps in the last few years. 

“It’s really just to help reduce eye strain,” he said, denying the accusation that Facebook’s night mode served as a portal to the series of dubious websites that do not appear in regular internet browsers and are known as the dark web. “If a a simple swap of colors were enough to mistake Facebook for a place where criminals feel comfortable flaunting their wanton disregard for rules or morality, then we really would have to reexamine some things around here.”

Pierce’s son claimed that this was just the latest in a series of misunderstandings regarding his mother consuming digital media. 

“Oh, it’s always something,” said Dwight, Shelly’s 24-year-old son. “One time she lost her remote and John Oliver came on and she tried to call ICE. This might be the worst this time, though. She wrote everyone in a family an email that she had been exposed to Antifa and was going to self-quarantine for 14 days. My mom’s weird, man.”  

As of press time, Pierce had posted a cryptic status update that merely said “facebook.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Incredibly Realistic ‘Skate 4’ Makes Players Ration Little Cup of Salsa for Entire Burrito

Posted on by Karli Marulli

LOS ANGELES — Anticipation for the fourth installment of EA’s popular Skate franchise has heightened after the company promised the game would have even more realistic details than ever, right down to a punishing salsa-to-burrito ratio at in-game taco spots. 

“You know that feeling when you unwrap a huge monster burrito and then you fish out what looks like a green thimble from the bottom of the bag?” asked EA spokesperson Colin Mahoney rhetorically at a recent press conference, eliciting knowing nods from the entire audience. “It just seems like it’s never going to work, but that tension is part of the fun. We want players to experience that authentic moment of despair in Skate 4.”

Mahoney also highlighted the new and improved ergonomic controls players will use when trying to stretch approximately two tablespoons of salsa over their swaddled half-pound of rice and meat. “We suggest using a light tapping motion against the side of the cup to control the speed. You’ll be rewarded with nice little dollops, lovingly rendered in all of their glory using the Frostbite physics engine. This isn’t just a button-mashing experience, there’s some real finesse involved, just like the rest of Skate 4’s gameplay systems.”

EA also announced that in addition to enhanced grinding and popping sounds, players will be able to hear the horchata sloshing around in their characters’ stomachs if they resume skating too soon after lunch. 

Reactions from fans were overwhelmingly positive, despite the inherent difficulty of the new features.

“I didn’t even get mad when they said it would be possible to get a few dry bites. That’s, like, part of being out there and really doing it.” said Skylar Wendt, 19. Wendt also stated, on an unrelated note, that his shoelace belt is meant to honor the band Sublime. 

At the end of the press conference, Mahoney reportedly tried to emphasize that the autosave feature lets players save the second half of their burrito and return to it later, but was promptly booed off the stage for suggesting such a thing.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Democrats Increasingly Anxious About Broaching Subject of Asking Amazon to Pay a Tax or Two

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — A visibly nervous group of Democratic leaders held a closed door meeting today to discuss possible ways to ask mega-corporation Amazon to chip in to pay at least a small portion of their share in taxes, government interns reported while collectively rolling their eyes.

“I just don’t want to feel like I’m bothering them,” said Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff while sheepishly avoiding eye contact. “I have to admit, we liberals feel completely overwhelmed when we need to put our foot down for the benefit of the working class. Ideally, Amazon would just pay taxes out of the kindness of their own hearts, so we can avoid any confrontation altogether.”

“The only rational way we could think to ask Amazon to pay their share was to write an anonymous handwritten letter to Mr. Bezos himself,” Schiff continued. “We threw in a couple of smiley faces at the end to show that there were no hard feelings. Fingers crossed it works this time.”

Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos has notably gamed the system for his own benefit.

“We’re just dodging an easily manipulated tax code is all,” said Bezos before cackling for several uninterrupted minutes. “I understand why some might be afraid to approach me, however. With my aggressive baldness and totally masculine energy, I like to think of myself as the Jason Statham of capitalism. Nevertheless, I’ll continue to ignore what’s good for the country because as a precious job creator, I simply deserve more than everyone else. Like a trillion tax-free dollars, for example.”

Tax experts wonder if Democratic leadership has what it takes to stand up to the corporate giant.

“Literally all they need to do is write the federal tax legislation,” CPA Jillian MacMellon said. “Historically, the Democratic strategy has been to publicly talk about an issue in hopes to raise awareness and empower someone else to handle it. Until they muster up some courage and address the broken tax system themselves, major corporations will continue to follow a ‘pay what you want’ structure, which for them is exactly zero dollars a year.”

At press time, Democrats were crafting a follow-up email to Bezos but abandoned it after being unable to think of anything to say after, “I hope this email finds you well.”

We Teleported to an Alternate Dimension Where Trump Isn’t President but Ska Is Cool So We Came Back

Posted on by James Knapp

A couple of weeks back our office was shaken when a strange mass of blue energy suddenly appeared and exploded next to our most recently deceased intern’s desk, leaving behind a glowing temporal anomaly. After lunch, we began to investigate the anomaly and discovered it was a portal to another dimension, similar to ours, but with several notable differences which we felt merited exploration.

Primarily, Trump isn’t the president in this universe! Our society has managed to advance considerably despite such a slight fracture in our realities. Oh yeah, but in this universe, ska is considered kinda cool still so we came back and sealed off the portal forever.

When we got there, we noticed slight improvements in the America of this universe. It turns out in the Summer of 2016, Trump dropped out of the Presidential race when during his campaign, in a rare moment of bipartisanship, Nancy Pelosi and Ted Cruz beat Trump with a bike chain and a metal folding chair in the middle of a debate. Unfortunately, in this universe Less Than Jake headlines amphitheaters so thanks but no thanks.

In this universe, all confederate statues were torn down shortly after the 2016 election. Too bad they were all replaced by statues of the various former members of Reel Big Fish. Sure, none of them fought and killed for the right to own slaves, but one of them is named “Tavis.” For the love of God, click my heels three times and get me back to my universe, where the air is poison and things make sense.

We will admit it’s nice that the cops in this universe actually do serve and protect, but their sirens are on the upbeats. This world is an abomination.

On our way back to the portal, we asked one person we encountered who the president was. She replied with two words: Dancing Guy. We’d heard enough and exited this hellscape.

We’re so glad to be home safe and sound. While the world may be pretty bad right now, at least Rome from “The Bad Sublime” is just the singer of a shitty college stoner band and not the Secretary of Agriculture.

God Frantically Skims Bible for Reason To Reject Dead Straight Edger From Heaven

Posted on by John Danek

HEAVEN — God, the almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, can not find a single reason to refuse recently-deceased straight edge kid Randy Larrett’s entry into Heaven, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“Another one of these killjoy weirdos? There’s gotta be some Old Testament loophole in here somewhere — like maybe something about having bad tattoos, or wearing camo shorts to weddings,” muttered God while quickly flipping through the Book of Leviticus. “I just don’t get it — these wackjobs live a life of purity and simplicity for seemingly no reason. But if you let one in, they start blasting Earth Crisis on our jukeboxes and saying that my son, Jesus of Nazareth, is a piece of shit because his blood is wine. We try to have a good time up here, and we don’t need these guys judging us.”

Larrett, the 19-year-old who has never indulged in alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous sex, is waiting in Purgatory to learn his fate.

“I’ve always been an atheist, so I’m surprised by all of this. I just figured it was going to be eternal blackness — thankfully, I’m squeaky clean. This should be a no-brainer once I talk to that dude at the pearly gates,” said Larrett, who died after being crushed by a stack of Marshall amps while playing with his band Lucky Human’s Foot. “Now that I think about it, my life was indistinguishable from a Mormon’s — I even went door-to-door with pamphlets from PETA. So, yeah, I think I could have a good time up there with a bunch of like-minded people who aren’t pressuring me to drink or whatever.”

Meanwhile, other cosmological afterlife deities also clamored to find any possible reason to deny “wet-blanket” Larrett’s entry.

“No, no, absolutely fuck no! He did literally nothing wrong or cool in his life — there’s no way I’m taking him,” yelled Satan on a phone call with God. “Our whole bargain is that I take the trouble-makers, the evil rotten people, and the sinners. This lame-o is none of those things. He’s on your team. Now, excuse me while I go back to my guitar lesson with Euronymous.”

Reports show that neighboring souls in Purgatory are asking to be reassigned to different cells, as Larrett won’t stop talking about almost being at the 2019 Have Heart reunion show.

Fact Check: It’s Called ‘Shrimp Fried Rice’ Not Because a Shrimp Fried the Rice Itself, But In Fact Because the Fried Rice Contains Shrimp In It

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Recently we have been seeing a multitude of people on social media claiming that Shrimp Fried Rice got its name from the fact that a “shrimp fried this rice.” It’s time to set the record straight once and for all. Hard Drive gives this claim that “a shrimp fried this rice” a PANTS ON FIRE rating, our starkest ranking of falsity.

So what’s the truth here? Well it’s actually quite complicated. You see, it’s actually called “Shrimp Fried Rice” because the dish itself consists mostly of fried rice. The rice, however, contains shrimp within it.  The “Shrimp” in the phrase “Shrimp Fried Rice” acts not as an active noun, but as a sort of adjective. “Fried,” similarly, is not a verb, but a noun. The shrimp is modifying the fried rice, as opposed to cooking it themselves. 

The earliest record of fried rice in history is found in the Sui dynasty, beginning in the year 589. So how do we know that a shrimp, nearly fifteen hundred years ago, did not fry this rice? Surely, Hard Drive’s fact checkers were not alive during this time period in order to check themselves (an assumption that we rate as 100% ACCURATE, for the record). 

Well, historians believe that fried rice dishes came about in Chinese cuisine possibly as a way to incorporate leftovers from other dishes into a new meal. So, as the theory goes, a family may have eaten a hearty shrimp meal with some vegetables one day. The next day, with just a little bit of shrimp leftover, they would cook it into a fried rice meal, hence Shrimp Fried Rice. 

But this wasn’t enough for us. We decided to reach out to Bryan Hao, the head of East Asian Studies at the University of California-Berkeley.

“It is not called Shrimp Fried Rice because a shrimp fried the rice. I can assure of that fact — and I was much younger than today-years-old when I discovered it,” Hao said over the phone, confirming our assumptions. “It is actually called Shrimp Fried Rice, not because a shrimp was the one who fried the rice itself, but because the fried rice has shrimp in it. I sincerely hope this helps. You seem very lost.”

Not anymore, we’re not. We sincerely hope this helps readers make sense of what is real and what is not, considering the climate of Fake News we all live under. We all need to be informed going into the 2020 election. There is nothing more important than voting.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

 

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