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God Frantically Skims Bible for Reason To Reject Dead Straight Edger From Heaven

HEAVEN — God, the almighty creator of Heaven and Earth, can not find a single reason to refuse recently-deceased straight edge kid Randy Larrett’s entry into Heaven, multiple onlookers confirmed.

“Another one of these killjoy weirdos? There’s gotta be some Old Testament loophole in here somewhere — like maybe something about having bad tattoos, or wearing camo shorts to weddings,” muttered God while quickly flipping through the Book of Leviticus. “I just don’t get it — these wackjobs live a life of purity and simplicity for seemingly no reason. But if you let one in, they start blasting Earth Crisis on our jukeboxes and saying that my son, Jesus of Nazareth, is a piece of shit because his blood is wine. We try to have a good time up here, and we don’t need these guys judging us.”

Larrett, the 19-year-old who has never indulged in alcohol, drugs, or promiscuous sex, is waiting in Purgatory to learn his fate.

“I’ve always been an atheist, so I’m surprised by all of this. I just figured it was going to be eternal blackness — thankfully, I’m squeaky clean. This should be a no-brainer once I talk to that dude at the pearly gates,” said Larrett, who died after being crushed by a stack of Marshall amps while playing with his band Lucky Human’s Foot. “Now that I think about it, my life was indistinguishable from a Mormon’s — I even went door-to-door with pamphlets from PETA. So, yeah, I think I could have a good time up there with a bunch of like-minded people who aren’t pressuring me to drink or whatever.”

Meanwhile, other cosmological afterlife deities also clamored to find any possible reason to deny “wet-blanket” Larrett’s entry.

“No, no, absolutely fuck no! He did literally nothing wrong or cool in his life — there’s no way I’m taking him,” yelled Satan on a phone call with God. “Our whole bargain is that I take the trouble-makers, the evil rotten people, and the sinners. This lame-o is none of those things. He’s on your team. Now, excuse me while I go back to my guitar lesson with Euronymous.”

Reports show that neighboring souls in Purgatory are asking to be reassigned to different cells, as Larrett won’t stop talking about almost being at the 2019 Have Heart reunion show.