Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Study Finds That “News Flash, Dickhead!” Almost Always Followed By Something Mean

Posted on August 5, 2020 by John Danek

LINCOLN, Neb. — Researchers at The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Department of Psychology have found that setup phrases such as, “News Flash, Dickhead” are overwhelmingly followed by something mean, hurtful, and unnecessary.

“We studied the use of common setup phrases and tracked how frequently they have devastating, esteem-shattering follow-ups, and the results were a bit surprising,” explained Dr. Laura Bollinger, lead researcher on the study. “93.4% of setups such as these contain a more devastating follow-up… though honestly, I expected a number closer to 100%, based on personal experience. But that other 6.6% were usually interrupted by a sneeze or derailed train of thought.”

“This study holds particular significance to me, as I’ve been on the receiving end of such phrases for as long as I can remember,” sighed Dr. Bollinger. “My dad was particularly fond of yelling, ‘Earth to Laura! Earth to Laura!’ while snapping his fingers repeatedly in front of my face — apparently to indicate how much of an oblivious idiot I am. I think it’s a universally shared experience. Or at least, I hope so.”

Researchers recruited a wide swath of intellectual ability for a representative sample of responses.

“I don’t even know what the purpose of the study was, but hell, I got paid,” said test subject Donny Fiorentino. “We had conversations and people just talked to me like they normally do, saying things like, ‘No shit, Sherlock!’ and, ‘Is there anybody in there?’ while knocking my head with their fist. We talked about politics, and one guy in a lab coat kept saying things like, “Thanks, Einstein!” before telling me I’m an idiot for my Pizzagate theories. So, yeah, pretty normal day.”

Popular lecturer and podcaster Dr. Brené Brown examined the effects of phrases like “News Flash, Dickhead!” on the recipient’s emotions.

“I urge people to live their most authentic lives without a sense of shame for who they are,” said Brown on her popular podcast “Unlocking Us.” “And for some, that means responding to mild instances of misunderstanding with brutally cutting phrases like, ‘Ya think, dipshit?’ can authentically represent our feelings of frustration. So, let them fly, dickwads.”

Dr. Bollinger is preparing to begin a follow-up study, examining the demoralizing effects of phrases like, “Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” used in response to frequently klutzy mishaps.

Grizzled, Old Sailor Interrupts Town Meeting, Offers to Hunt and Kill COVID-19 for $10,000

Posted on August 5, 2020 by Jerrod Kingery

EDGARTOWN, Mass. — Residents of the popular New England summer destination Martha’s Vineyard reported that a local coot and grizzled sailor known only as “McGill” interrupted a recent emergency town council meeting, offering to kill COVID-19 for $10,000.

“There were a few murmurs and a small commotion from the back row — that’s when we noticed the old sailor scraping his fingernails down the front of the TV monitor we use to track the meeting minutes,” said Edgartown Mayor Steve Dixon. “It wasn’t really making any noise, so he started making the screeching sound with his mouth. That man looked rougher than the paws of a Hyannisport stray cat; you could tell he meant business.”

Resident Roberto Hinojosa was voicing his concern about the spread of COVID-19 among the town’s drunken, skinny-dipping teens when McGill interrupted.

“This guy started going on about how we know him and how he earns a living, and says he could kill the coronavirus for us,” Hinojosa recalled. “He wasn’t even wearing a mask, and he sure as shit doesn’t look like he washes his hands regularly. What the fuck does this guy know about infectious diseases? Last I saw him, he was banging the side of a battery tester at the AutoZone before the kid managing the store chewed him out.”

McGill, clad in a peacoat and fisherman’s cap despite the 95 degree heat, sat perched on a wooden chair in the back of the chambers, staring straight ahead and tossing saltine crackers into his mouth as he laid out his proposal in frustratingly vague terms.

“I value my respiratory health a lot more than $3,000, chief,” McGill said, referring to the agenda item laying out $2,800 for new social distancing signage at the library. “I’ll find COVID-19 for $3,000, but I’ll catch it and kill it for $10,000.”

“If you want to stay alive, then ante up — if you want to play it cheap and assume it’s all a liberal hoax, be on welfare the whole winter,” McGill added before being chided for speaking without having signed up with the clerk.

At press time, McGill had reportedly been eaten by a shark after renting a paddle boat.

Preeteen Boys in Woods Stumble Upon First Gen iPhone Full of Porn

Posted on August 5, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

ANDALUSIA, Pa. — A group of preteen boys playing in the woods yesterday were “totally meh” after stumbling upon a first-generation, unlocked iPhone chock full of smutty pictures, surprised Millennial parents confirmed.

“We were riding bikes near the creek when Liam [Rowley] tripped over what looked like a big, black rock. But we quickly realized it was some kind of ancient iPhone from the ’80s or something,” said 11-year-old Ethan Schmidt. “We were joking around about how anyone could even fit this giant phone in their back pockets, when suddenly it turned on and this super pixelated pic of a lady named Jenna Jameson showed up. It was weird… the photo was just her naked, by herself — she wasn’t surrounded by eight dudes, or getting peed on, or anything like we’re used to seeing.”

Liam’s father, 39-year-old Josh Rowley, waxed nostalgic after hearing the story, claiming that finding porn in the woods is “a right of passage.”

“I’ll never forget the pure joy of being 12 years old and discovering a used-up, old beaver mag in a tree hollow. It was just a part of growing up — as American as fucking an apple pie,” said Rowley. “But when my son told me what happened, he seemed so nonplussed by it all — I told him how I once found a Penthouse when I was his age, but he didn’t know what that was… and when I explained it was a magazine, he said, ‘What’s a magazine?’ At that point, I just let him go back to YouTube.”

Dr. Bridget Lister, a pediatric psychologist specializing in understanding how the internet has changed the sensibility of Generation Z, gave her insight.

“The web has never not been a part of Gen Z’s life. Because of this, they are often desensitized to graphic violence and sexually explicit imagery,” said Dr. Lister. “Needless to say, they’re very difficult to shock. And as an unethical child psychologist who has had her license revoked several times, I should know.”

At press time, the local middle schoolers were trying to comprehend an “urban legend” about ’80s and ’90s kids spending several futile hours trying to see even the slightest bit of nudity on a so-called “scrambled porn TV channel.”

Here’s a Made up Story About the Recording of Pearl Jam’s ‘Ten’ Because the Real One Is Super Boring

Posted on August 5, 2020 by Jonah Nink

So we’re about halfway through the second paragraph of the Wikipedia for ‘Ten’ and the only thing we’ve learned so far is that Pearl Jam is the most boring band on the fucking planet. It’s a shame too, because this is an album that could really benefit from a kick-ass background story. A real swashbuckling tale of love, loss, and early nineties grunge. Thankfully, this apocalypse plague has afforded us the free time to do just that. So here’s our version of the making of Pearl Jam’s ‘Ten.’

Eddie Vedder grew up a lonely farm boy living on the planet Tatooine. One day he came across a pair of droids who were secretly in possession of the plans for a planet-destroying superweapon developed by the evil Galactic Empire. Vedder then teams up with a Jedi master, a scoundrel with a heart of gold, and a big hairy dog guy to rescue the princess from the evil “Darth Vedder” and destroy the superweapon. Once that’s all done, Vedder then starts a band called Pearl Jam and they make an album called “Ten.”

Yeah, it’s Star Wars, but you know what? Nobody falls asleep during Star Wars! We fell asleep about twelve times while reading about how they recorded Dave Krusen’s drums. Spoiler alert: they used a microphone. Besides, the last guy who remade A New Hope made a gazillion dollars. Sue us. Wait, they actually might. Okay fine, let’s try this again.

Eddie Vedder was a UPS worker in a relationship with Helen Hunt. Vedder is sent on a last-minute business trip, but a violent storm forces his plane to crash and leaves him stranded on a desert island. He remains stranded on the island for four years. The free time allows him to write most of what would become Pearl Jam’s “Ten.” With the songs written, Vedder used a box of volleyballs to create the other Pearl Jam band members. Eventually, Vedder and his volleyball bandmates are rescued, and “Ten” is released to critical and commercial success.

It’s not Castaway! In that movie, Tom Hanks works for FedEx. In this, Eddie Vedder works for UPS. Totally different! They both get stranded on an island while dating Helen Hunt, though. That’s non-negotiable.

We gave it our best shot but we don’t think it’s possible to make Pearl Jam’s creative process sound interesting. At least reading about the recording of Pearl Jam’s “Ten” was still more fun than listening to Pearl Jam’s “Ten.”

“This Year” By the Mountain Goats No Longer Cutting It in 2020

Posted on August 5, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Experts warned today that listening to the hit Mountain Goats song “This Year” is no longer enough to motivate Americans to get through 2020 if it kills them.

“Previous crises have been averted with repeated YouTube viewings of the music video for ‘This Year,’ but we’re reaching an all-time low in its efficacy as 2020 has evolved to specifically counter The Mountain Goats,” said epidemiologist Dr. Crissy Andrews. “Normally, we would not suggest such drastic measures, but as of today, we are now recommending extreme doses of ‘Dance Music,’ ‘San Bernardino,’ and, if necessary, ‘The Best Ever Death Metal Band In Denton.’”

“At this time, we are also recommending that no one affected by the 2020 blues listen to ‘No Children,’” Andrews added. “And stay the fuck away from ‘Matthew 25:21.’ God help us all. Or better yet, hail Satan.”

The Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle gave a heartfelt apology to fans in a video posted to social media.

“It is deeply upsetting to me that 2020 has gotten to the point where posting lyrics from ‘This Year’ is no longer enough for people to get through the hard times. Worse, there will very likely not be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year, due to social distancing concerns,” Darnielle said in his video. “Nonetheless, I am devoted to writing a new song that will be even more hopeful and powerful than any in my oeuvre. We will all get through this together.”

“Or,” he continued, “the next song in my ‘Going To’ series will be called ‘Going to Sleep for the Next Eight Months.’”

The crisis surrounding the song has spurred federal attention, prompting Senator Elizabeth Warren to email supporters promising to revitalize it.

“President Donald Trump has let things get so bad in this country that our go-to songs for forgetting how tough life is barely even make a dent in our collective depression,” Warren’s email said. “We need a leader who can make things just bad enough that inspirational lyrics help us while being not good enough to make them completely unnecessary, and that leader is former Vice President Joe Biden.”

Darnielle has since announced that he is reworking the song “This Week” to make the lyrics more realistic for listeners.

Alex Jones Announces ‘InfoWars Tactics’

Posted on August 4, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

DALLAS, Texas — Claiming that the new game would revolutionize the long running InfoWars franchise, far-right radio host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones unveiled a trailer and early details for a new tactics game set in the InfoWars universe in a surprise stream on the InfoWars website Tuesday morning.

“InfoWars Tactics is a turn-based tactical RPG that takes place 10 years before the first episode of InfoWars, placing you in control of a DMT-enhanced supersoldier on the front lines of the war for your mind,” said Jones, standing on a soundstage in front of a large LCD screen displaying pulsating graphics of the game’s placeholder logo. “You’ll need to filtrate your own water, collect Gorilla Mind pills and dodge gay bombs to rise to the top of the InfoWars Army and reveal the secrets of the Machine Elves and the Fifth Dimension.”

Jones added that in addition to a robust story mode, InfoWars Tactics will include various optional quest lines and hundreds of collectible false flags and non-player crisis actors to interact with throughout the game’s world.

“Just like in the real world — if you can even call our world ‘real’ — you won’t be able to see the game’s true ending unless you uncover every single false flag that the government has placed to deceive you,” Jones said. “Will the game’s true ending contain new information about the origins of Pizzagate and Seth Rich? That’s something you’ll only be able to find out when InfoWars Tactics launches this holiday season.”

At the conclusion of the presentation, Jones announced that Infowars Tactics would be released exclusively on the InfoWars website after he’d been deplatformed from Steam and the Epic Games Store.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Trump Boasts About Getting Through Professor Layton Games “Without Too Much Help”

Posted on August 4, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently called into Hannity to boast about the minimal help he needed beating the entire series of Professor Layton games this summer.

“I got through all of them, Sean, even the 3DS ones,” said President Trump, calling into the popular Fox News program. “These are hard games. People say some of the hardest games out there. There’s some riddles. Some stories. The riddles stop and they do a story! And then sometimes they go, ‘Oh, here’s a maze! There’s a maze now! You have to solve the maze!’ It’s all very complicated, and I only had to hand it off to Barron a couple of times. You know, there’s nine or ten of these games, so I don’t think that’s too bad, you know?”

Though he repeatedly insisted the accomplishment was impressive and unprecedented, many are underwhelmed by the president’s achievement.

“I like those games, but they’re not exactly difficult,” said Charles Lann, a video game critic. “They’re really just variations on basic riddles and puzzles. If you were looking for an honest to god challenge I can think of dozens of games that would be a better indicator of one’s true aptitude. I am not sure our President realizes what he is really telling people when he brags about needing help with a game aimed at children.”

Trump continued on the subject for nearly twenty minutes, filling two segments of the show recounting specific solutions and plot points he had encountered while following the adventures of Professor Layton, his apprentice Luke Triton, and the rest of the characters they meet during the series.

“Really great stuff from our President tonight,” said Sean Hannity, wrapping up an episode largely spent listening to the results of story problems from a decades worth of handheld games. “And we would like to thank his staffers again for helping him get through some of the trickier number problems. Stay tuned tomorrow as Mister Trump has promised to call in and describe the differences between two pictures in the latest Highlights magazine.”

As of press time, President Trump had filed an executive order banning GameFAQS after some disparaging remarks about him were discovered in a Phoenix Wright walkthrough.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Viking Metal Band Pillages Local Chili’s

Posted on August 4, 2020 by Cory Cousins

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Viking metal band Fjord Destroyer took a local Chili’s restaurant by storm during the evening rush last night, utterly defiling multiple lovely family dinner parties, horrified Chili’s staff members confirmed.

“Odin will no doubt be pleased with our plunder,” bragged guitarist Shane “Skull-Splitter” McDaniels. “One of these so-called ‘Christians’ tried to shield his Crispy Honey-Chipotle Chicken Crispers from me. How dare this peasant swine defy the likes of me — a descendant of Thor himself, for Odin’s sake! I took his 32-ounce Frosé Rita and poured it over his head. What a fool! I have already written about this victory: Asgard Triple Dipper Destroyer.”

Restaurant staff were overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught.

“It’s times like these that test my unshakeable belief that I was destined to be a Chili’s manager,” said an agitated Todd Miller, the franchise’s manager. “These ruffians burst through my doors and acted like they owned the place, harassing customers with their profane language and guitar solos. I did not sit idly by as they desecrated my sacred temple of Tex-Mex and frilly cocktails — I called in the strongest reinforcements possible for a counter attack.”

Part-time Chili’s security guard Calvin Jackson served as Miller’s backup against the invasion of wannabe Viking metalheads.

“Man, I don’t get paid enough for this shit. I just work weekends while I’m going to business school,” noted Jackson. “It was a pretty typical, boring shift, until Todd came screaming from out of the back office that we were being ‘sacked’ — these barbarian-looking dudes were chugging from the nacho cheese fondue fountain. Needless to say, I threw them out on their asses.”

Fjord Destroyer was last seen setting sail in their Honda Odyssey to conquer the nearest Applebee’s.

Police Leave CPR Training Dummies Face Down, Riddled with Bullet Holes

Posted on August 4, 2020 by Zac Fairhall

SEATTLE — Seattle police officers attempting to complete a routine first-aid course last week finished their training session by kneeling on the necks of bullet-ridden dummies, horrified medical trainees confirmed.

“The course started off normal enough,” said Amy Moran, one of several getting her first-aid certificate at the King County night school. “We went over bandages and the recovery position, but as soon as the CPR dummies were laid out on the floor, some officers started trying to flip them over and rough them up a little bit. Others screamed at their dummy to show them their hands, and threatened them with pepper spray when they wouldn’t tell them where they’d been that evening.”

Instructor Kathy Spriggs noted things took a turn for the worse when she brought out replacement dummies that happened to be Black.

“Well, they’d damaged the first lot of CPR dummies, so I got the rest of the class to bring out the spares, which were made from a darker shade of rubber. Within minutes it was like an explosion went off,” said Spriggs while sweeping up the mess. “Armed squads showed up out of nowhere, officers cuffed dummies so hard they were ripping arms off, multiple shots were fired, and I saw two cops execute a move on a dummy I can only describe as a tag-team Batista bomb.”

For his part, Capt. Chuck Stonely said he “didn’t really know what the fuss was about.”

“Frankly, I sent the boys out to get some good press — ya know, save lives, yada yada. But from what they tell me, some of the CPR dummies were acting suspiciously, and were uncooperative when questioned,” said Stonely. “I tell my squad, ‘Better to be judged by 12 than carried by six,’ and if that means to feel safe they need to kneel on the neck of a CPR dummy until the gentle wheeze from its rubber lips is snuffed out, so be it.”

SPD later expressed concern that, if forced to pay for the damage, they might not be able to afford new state-of-the-art tanks for local precincts.

Opinion: I Think That- No Sorry, You Go Ahead

Posted on August 4, 2020 by Jonah Nink

Can you guys hear me ok? What’s that? I can see your faces but can’t hear anything. Can you guys hear me? Tim’s nodding so I think that’s a yes. Ok, Debra’s nodding now too, good. Beth, can you hear me? I see that elliptical behind you Beth, no shame. Lord knows I’ve been skipping leg day lately. Ope, someone just DM’d me, hold on. Beth says there’s a “join audio” button but I’m not seeing it. Bottom-left corner? Oh wait, there it is!

Great! Sorry about that, gang. It wouldn’t be our Monday morning zoom meeting without a couple of tech hiccups. How’s everyone doing? I do have some important info to share before we get rolling. Let me preface it by saying that I think that… no sorry Tim, you go ahead.

No just… Whoops talked over you again. Go ahead, Tim. Tim? Okay, maybe Tim cut out I’m just gonna… Oh, sorry ok Tim yeah go ahead.

No Tim, I’m not sure when we’ll be back in the office. Frankly I’m not sure if we’ll ever be back the way things have been going lately. I personally haven’t seen another human being who isn’t the Uber eats guy or my wife since March but you know what?

I’m kind of fine with it, which is scary to think about but I won’t dwell on it now. Besides, it doesn’t seem like you’re strapped for human interaction, Tim. Yep, I saw those pictures on Facebook of you and your wife at that maskless indoor party from the other day. Not an accusation, just an observation. Let me know if you ever want to spend an evening spitting on each other sometime.

Sorry, I’m getting off-topic. I was going to say that- no-no, go ahead Debra. What’s that? I thought I heard you say something. It’s a little choppy on my end, Debra. Is Debra choppy for anyone else? Well of course it’s choppy for you Tim, you have COVID. Kidding! I’m kidding…obviously…

Beth, is Debra choppy for you too? Wait, where did Beth go? Guys, you can’t just leave the call whenever you want. Or, I guess you can. It’s a rule I only enforce because these zoom meetings are the one thing I feel like I have any semblance of control over anymore in this new nightmare world we live in. Hey, Beth’s back!

Okay, so I just wanted to let you all… shit did I get booted? Hello? Can you guys hear me? Wave your hands if you can hear… Oh sorry, Beth didn’t mean to cut you off I think I was lagging. No Beth you fin… okay yeah no you finish talking. Oh, you’re done? Wait did she freeze?

Okay, I saw her move, nobody say anything okay? Okay.

Alright, so what I was going to say is that unfortunately, we’ve all been laid off. Yup, the company was hemorrhaging money because of all this, and it was either CEO’s raise or the entire midwest division. On the bright side, everyone is invited to stick around and watch me make some Molotov cocktails. Everyone except Tim actually, because dude you definitely have COVID.

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