Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Black Man Stuck in Line at Polling Station Receives “I Tried to Vote” Sticker

Posted on November 1, 2020 by Billy Patterson

MOULTRIE, Ga. — Local Black man Darius Phillips received an “I Tried to Vote” sticker after waiting in line for over six hours at a local early voting polling station today, patriotic sources confirmed.

“It would’ve been nice to exercise my fundamental rights as an American, but at least I got some recognition,” mused Phillips, applying the sticker as he trudged back to his car. “Someone said these stickers will get you a free coffee at 7-Eleven — which doesn’t seem like a fair trade for this many hours of my time and a vacation day — but it’s better than nothing. I mean, my great-grandfather would have been mercilessly beaten if he stood in line to vote, so I guess this is progress.”

Tammy Leigh Bennett, a volunteer who helped distribute the stickers, had a similarly optimistic view.

“It’s so inspiring to see people from different minority communities wearing their ‘I Tried to Vote’ stickers. These people have been let down so many times by the American political system, but they’re still trying their best to take part in what we’re told is democracy, and it feels good to reward them,” Bennett stated. “Hopefully, these stickers will encourage other people to head down to the one polling station in their county and stand in line for hours while armed militia men yell slurs at them before eventually losing hope and going home.”

“It reminds us how lucky we are to live in this country,” she added. “People in Russia or China would kill for the opportunity to be denied the chance to cast a ballot.”

However, some would-be voters, like college student Jennifer Valdez, were not supportive of the promotion.

“It totally trivializes the act of trying to vote,” said Valdez. “I see people taking selfies with their stickers when their ID gets denied — it’s so narcissistic. You should spend your entire day off trying to vote because it’s your civic duty, not because you want clout on social media. I wish they would get rid of those stickers and hand out food instead, because a lot of the first-time voters forgot to pack a lunch.”

The hashtag #ITriedToVote is now trending on Twitter after several celebrities and corporate brands made posts celebrating all the people who unsuccessfully attempted to take part in this historic election.

Police Force Baffled After Raspy-Voiced Detective in Leather Jacket Solves Case Through Conventional Means

Posted on November 1, 2020 by Piotr Parker

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Raspy-voiced, leather jacket-clad renegade Det. Mitchell Steele, who by all accounts plays by his own rules, solved a missing child case last week through textbook field work, deductive reasoning, and a total lack of semi-justifiable homicides, shocking police nationwide.

“When I first assigned the case to Det. Steele, he requested the names of everyone in the boy’s extended family,” said Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Chief Harrison Daniels. “I thought, ‘Oh shit, here we go.’ But turns out, it was because most missing children are found with someone they already know. Who knew the answer was so simple? The worst part is that I was really drawing out my words in anticipation of him slamming his fist on his desk and shouting, ‘DAMN IT THERE’S NO TIME!’ God, I must have sounded like such a putz.”

Steele’s partner, by-the-books veteran Jacob Adams, was dumbfounded by the detective’s total lack of wry humor and “loose cannon” behavior.

“When the kid was found with an uncle, completely unharmed and in no danger of being used as a pawn in some diabolical terrorist plot, you’d expect Steele to at least share a memorable one-liner. Instead, he shook the mother’s hand and said, ‘Just doing our job, ma’am,’” said Adams. “I tried to save face back at HQ by shouting, ‘I guess this one was just child’s play.’ Steele didn’t even laugh — he just rolled his eyes and quietly filed his paperwork.”

However, CMPD administrative assistant Walter Greene is concerned Det. Steele’s newfound penchant for traditional police work may have unexpected and disastrous effects.

“70% of our department’s budget — and approximately 90% of my job — is dedicated to putting out the fires started by ‘shootouts on top of tall buildings’ style police work,” remarked Greene. “And that’s just the figurative fires: the literal ones are putting a real strain on our once-amicable relationship with the fire department, too. Anyways, if this trend continues, we run the risk of losing a significant chunk of our funding.”

Steele uncharacteristically declined to comment, citing that it is against CMPD policy to speak with the media without first obtaining permission from public affairs.

QAnon Supporter Wishes President Would Get Off Twitter and Focus on Hunting Democratic Pedophile Satanists

Posted on November 1, 2020 by Constantine Platanias

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local QAnon follower and noted conspiracy theorist Nick Perriman complained to friends today that President Trump is wasting too much time on Twitter when he should be busy hunting “the Satan-worshipping, democratic pedophiles infecting our government.”

“All this incessant tweeting is distracting him from doing the job we elected him to do — root out the deep state liberal occultists who are kidnapping our children and selling them as sex slaves to the mega rich pro-vax pervert socialists,” said Perriman, a divorced father of three. “The President needs to grow up and act responsibly. Otherwise, how am I supposed to trust that the Illuminati hasn’t already replaced my kids with lab-grown replicants?”

Even some of the President’s most vocal supporters in the media have echoed similar concerns about his social media habits.

“There’s too much work to be done for him to spend all day tweeting and golfing,” said far-right radio host Alex Jones. “Xi Jinping isn’t doing that, and neither are the interdimensional space demons trying to turn our oceans transgender. We need action, and we need it now. Joe Biden and the lizard people are set to steal this election, and if they do, you bet your ass they’ll take your guns and your children, and then shave your dog.”

The Trump campaign released a statement reassuring voters that the President remains laser-focused on purging the government of all the evildoers they’ve read about in online forums.

“President Trump’s tireless efforts have helped him uncover mountains of evidence directly implicating the Democratic party in every sort of weird, fantastical crime you can imagine, from the Clinton Foundation spending billions to bring Jeffrey Epstein back from the dead, to Obama sheltering Bin Laden in his childhood home in Kenya,” wrote White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “However, the President feels this evidence is too shocking to reveal to the public until after the election. Until then, he will continue to use Twitter to comfort a divided nation.”

At press time, the President claimed he was late for a rally because he just broke up a Marxist dog fighting ring in the basement of a Mexican restaurant where Democratic politicians dine on baby livers and sacrifice puppies to the ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Opinion: The Real Militia Was the Friends We Made Along the Way

Posted on November 1, 2020 by Rachel Steele

Big government is plotting to take away our rights as American citizens, like eating at local restaurants and licking strangers. Recently I joined a new militia group in my county dedicated to earning our freedoms back. We may not have been successful, but what really matters is all the friends we made along the way.

This year has exposed a lot of injustice in the world, but I for one take solace in the fact that I’m leaving it knowing who my real friends are. We may not have successfully toppled the regime of oppression, but we kicked the shit out of the regime of loneliness.

The day finally came when it was time to reclaim our nation by kidnapping the governor of Michigan. The right to die from a deadly virus, the right to endanger neighbors and loved ones to the same virus, these are rights we will protect until our dying breath. Did we succeed? Are we finally free? Is the state finally run by nature’s truest governor: chaos? All of these questions are completely irrelevant because we definitely made some lifelong friends.

If you ask me, successfully creating an effective militia definitely comes second to creating lasting memories with your bros.

Maybe we were less than successful in igniting a social and political revolution to free us from the boot of federal mandates, but the bright side is we have become lifelong friends. Every weekend we get together and watch some TV, and Paul makes the best bean dip on this side of Michigan.

After a long day of plotting in the garage, burning face masks, and painting hot-rod flames on our getaway vehicle, it’s nice to unwind with the bros. Possibly even crack open a few beers and catch up on Dancing with the Stars.

Perhaps the mission wasn’t to forge a new America with a strong, terrifying, competent militia. Maybe the real militia all along was friendship. I would do anything in the world for my best friends, but if the cops come to my door I’ll snitch like a motherfucker.

Chris Pontius Leads Voter Awareness Campaign by Showing His Balls to Strangers

Posted on November 1, 2020 by Kevin Tit

PASADENA, Calif. — “Wildboyz” star Chris Pontius started a voter awareness campaign today that includes showing his balls to strangers and encouraging them to get out and vote, multiple polling volunteers confirm.

“This is possibly the most important election of our lifetime. And as you can see, I’ve written the word ‘poll’ on my dick. Get it?” the completely nude “Jackass” star explained. “I’ve painted my balls to represent the two party system — notice how the red one is a little bigger? That’s the Republicans having control of the house. I’ve also tattooed the words ‘Ballot Box’ over my asshole, and I’m going show people how to stuff ‘em to cast their votes. Everyone needs to take their voting rights seriously, and if I can get even one person to make their voice heard, then my work — and the tireless burden on my dick, balls, and butthole — is done.”

While Pontius is ecstatic about campaigning, the star of the campaign was very underwhelmed by the whole thing.

“I’m so fucking tired. It’s been well over two decades, and we’re still doing this shit?” expressed Pontius’s 46-year-old testicles. “When will this end? Every time I think it’s time for retirement, I keep getting pulled back out of my dark cradle and back into the public eye. I’m too old for this — I’ve been slapped, crushed, electrocuted, you name it. I don’t give two fucks who wins this election. I just want to keep sagging and expanding in some goddamn peace and quiet. I don’t think that’s so much to ask.”

Pontius’ heart may be in the right place, but reception has been overwhelmingly negative.

“I don’t know who this guy is or what fucking show he’s from. I was born in 2002,” said 18-year-old college freshman and first-time voter Erica Gnomes. “I was walking home from work when this shirtless guy in a bow tie ripped off his breakaway pants, pointed at his balls and started dancing in people’s faces while singing the Star Spangled Banner through a megaphone. I immediately called the police.”

At press time, the arresting officer had released Pontius after admitting he was a huge fan of the show and thought the crime was hilarious.

Remembering Legendary Game Designer Tom Clancy

Posted on October 31, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

The video game world has always had creative figures who loomed large and were beloved for their contributions to the medium. However, one trailblazing code master whose work continues to resonate that doesn’t get his due is legendary video game software designer Tom Clancy.

Though he was unable to receive the prominent billing he’d later grow accustomed to, Clancy’s first game was 1991’s The Hunt for Red October, a deep sea combat game that he made for both the Nintendo Entertainment System and the Game Boy. The acclaim for that game led Clancy to gain prominence as a visionary young voice in game design, who then founded his own studio, Tom Clancy Video Game Studio. The game reportedly so moved Sean Connery that he financed a cinematic adaptation of the game.

TCVGS’ first blockbuster release was 1999’s Rainbow Six. Its combination of tactics, shooting, and plot focusing on a counter-terrorism unit of soldiers felt like they were ripped right out of a spy novel, and the game proved to be a wild success, spawning a franchise that continues to this day.

In addition to the wildly popular Rainbow Six franchise, Clancy designed several other smash hit series, including Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, and The Division, each of which enjoy their own franchise and dedicated fanbases. Until Player Unknown’s identity is revealed, Tom Clancy’s name is the most important one when discussing shooters in the 21st century.

Though Clancy tragically passed away in 2013, the treasure trove of notes and ideas he left behind ensure that his philosophies and ideas concerning video game design will continue to be made available to gamers for the foreseeable future. So far several posthumous games have been able to be assembled in this manner, most recently 2019’s Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint.

Though not typically mentioned in the same breaths as the other heavyweights of the medium, Tom Clancy’s influential body of work and commitment to excellence across over 40 releases deserves to cement his name alongside the truly immortal game designers, next to names like Shigeryu Moyamato, Sid Maier, and John Madden.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Child Who Received Mostly Rare Candies for Halloween Now 36 Years Old

Posted on October 31, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

FAIRFIELD, Conn. — Kenny Coleman, local pokemon fan and former adolescent, has reportedly received a number of rare candies in his halloween basket, leveling him up to 36 years of age upon consumption.

“I don’t know how I could have let this happen,” said the newly aged child’s mother, Barbara Coleman. “I searched through all the candy he collected for any kind of tampering like needles or razor blades. I’ve read the horror stories, but no one ever warned me that my son could suddenly grow up past his teenage years and twenties from eating a handful of sugary treats.”

Kenny Coleman has now had a couple days to adjust to his pudgy mid-thirties body and has shared his first thoughts following this change.

“Other than being much taller and hairier, I don’t really feel all that different,” said Kenney. “The biggest change I noticed is an immediate disgust I feel looking at the designs of any pokemon that came out after the original 151. I used to just find the games fun, but suddenly I have an opinion on Game Freak reusing animations in Sword and Shield.”

“They made us watch a puberty video in school called Just Around the Corner,” Kenney added. “I guess I thought I had more time.”

This significant life change has caused a bit of strife within the Coleman household as the whole family is getting used to the new Kenny.

“I had been EV training Kenny since he was born,” said a disappointed Ralph Coleman, Kenny’s father. “Having him pick fights with the neighbor’s kids, boosting his speed and defense—I was trying to set him up for a real strong adulthood and now all of that has gone to waste.”

At press time, Kenny’s father kicked his son out of the house and told him to get a job which he would have done when he reached 10 anyway.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Quarantine Produces Unprecedented Spike in DIY Danzig Costumes

Posted on October 31, 2020 by Anna Walsh

HOUSTON — Locked-down towns across America are seeing record levels of citizens dressing up as famed frontman Glenn Danzig following months of little to no physical self-care, according to concerned and frightened sources.

“Usually I have to buy white face paint and a wig, but since I haven’t seen the sun or gotten a haircut in over 150 days, I already look strikingly similar to Danzig,” said local man Luke McGill, who allegedly dresses up as Danzig every year for reasons he “didn’t want to get into.” “I’m going to dig through my girlfriend’s old bag of shit clothes she’s been meaning to donate and see if I can find some tiny little black pants or something mesh to really nail the look. I already found a comically oversized belt buckle to go with everything, which almost pushes me toward Machete or The Undertaker territory, but whatever works.”

Others who previously had no intention of dressing up as the iconic horror punk figured they “might as well” upon looking into a mirror for the first time in months.

“Since no one is going to see me, I figure this year is perfect to go as one of the homelier punk legends. I might even go 90s-era Danzig, but I’ll need to buy a bra with more padding for that,” said Salt Lake City resident Ashley Stockard. “I usually go as someone blonde, but I don’t have enough eyeliner to do a passable Bret Michaels, and I’ve already made a disastrous hair decision in the confines of the studio apartment I’ve been in for seven months, so why not dye my whole head Danzig black?”

For his part, Danzig is upset with the plethora of imitators this year.

“I have a lot going on between another erotic horror movie in the works, plus the endless legal issues that are completely my own making,” the famed musician and Halloween costume-inspiration stated. “There’s only one Danzig, and he’s only getting more swole and smart in quarantine. And if that punk from the Northside Kings wants to go another round, I’m fucking ready.”

Unfortunately for all, the majority of those dressed as Danzig have mostly been asked if they were supposed to be “Criss Angel or something.”

Cool Mom Gives Out Full-Size Xanax Bars on Halloween

Posted on October 31, 2020 by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

SAN DIEGO — Local Mom Linda Hudson turned heads in her neighborhood today by giving out full-sized Xanax bars to visiting trick-or-treaters, leaving many parents stunned and several children “completely fucking zonked.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everyone just needs to relax, you know?” Hudson said, responding to allegations of irresponsible parenting. “I’m just trying to help these kids chill out — it’s been a hard year for everyone. Especially for me. If I didn’t crush up a few of ‘Mommy’s Little Helpers’ into their morning acai smoothies, I would’ve had to homeschool Dylan and Heighleigh all by myself! Now they just sleep all day, which works a lot better for my schedule.”

While many neighborhood parents were quick to criticize Hudson’s decision to give out a Schedule IV narcotic without a prescription for free to children, her approval among local children remains very high.

“Mrs. H always gives out the best stuff. No one else in town gives out full-size bars, so I always make sure to hit her house every Halloween. My friends and I even switched costumes so we could go back for a second helping,” said local fourth grader Aiden Rowley. “Last year she just left out a bowl of loose Pall Mall Slims with a lighter on her porch. I puked like, three times. It was awesome!”

Despite several pending lawsuits from parents across the region, Hudson takes pride in her ‘Cool Mom’ status among the local youth, and doesn’t plan on changing course anytime soon.

“Look, the kids love me because I know how to have fun. Is that a crime?” asked Hudson, pouring her fourth glass of Barefoot Moscato of the night. “The law says yes, but it’s their job to kill the party anyway. I’m just gonna keep living my truth, and if some rude cop wants to try to arrest me, I’ll ask for the manager of cops and get them fired. I have rights too, you know!”

Hudson was last seen visibly intoxicated, stepping over several passed out children on her front porch before getting behind the wheel of a white Mercedes and almost immediately causing a five-car pileup. Her bail is set at $10,000.

McDonald’s Cinematic Universe to Start with Gritty Origin Film of the Hamburglar

Posted on October 31, 2020 by E.M. Caris

HOLLYWOOD — McDonald’s announced yesterday the launch of a new fast food cinematic universe, starting with a ‘Hamburglar’ origin movie starring Timothée Chalamet in the titular role and Ralph Fiennes as Mayor McCheese.

“We think this new, edgy, sexy take on the Hamburglar is going to be a huge opportunity for our brand,” said McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski. “We have an entire backlog of characters ready to go. Phase one will tell the origin stories of Hamburglar obviously, but we’ll also introduce Grimace as a crack-addicted prostitute, and Officer Big Mac as a corrupt cop similar to Harvey Keitel in ‘Bad Lieutenant.’ And Travis Scott is doing the soundtrack. We really think we can compete with Marvel on this.”

Fans quickly took to Reddit to express their enthusiasm for the upcoming franchise.

“You know, I grew up with these characters in the ’80s and ’90s. I’m so glad they’re finally getting the stories they deserve,” said McDonald’s superfan and man with severely clogged arteries Jake Chipman. “There really is a lot of depth and creativity that went into creating McDonaldland, and I think we’ll see that on the big screen. The Hamburglar could do for advertising mascots what the ‘Dark Knight’ did for comics: elevate it to art. Rumor has it that they’re even teasing a certain flame-haired, disgruntled clown appearing in a post-credit sequence. I can’t wait.”

The most shocking revelation from the announcement, however, was that McDonald’s has tapped Martin Scorsese to direct.

“I know what I said about comic book movies. And I stand by it. These films won’t be roller coasters; they’ll be nourishment for your soul,” said Scorsese. “I knew I could trust McDonald’s to tell this story, as obviously this isn’t their first foray into moviemaking — remember ‘Mac & Me?’ Pure genius. And when I read the ‘Hamburglar’ script, I was blown away. Blown away. I also think you’ll be really surprised who Leo ends up playing.”

Not to be outdone, Burger King has since announced a horror-inspired, R-Rated BK Kids Club film for release next summer.

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