Every The Replacements Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

In late 1970s Minneapolis, an iconic musical act emerged with both a genre-defying and genre-defining sound, and whose name is synonymous with talent and prestige. This is, of course, Prince. Then there were the Replacements, the definitive “College Rock” band: celebrated by critics, cited as an influence for countless bands, but plagued by drunken antics, self-sabotage, and self-destructing in the goofiest of ways. Before we sober up, here are the Replacements album ranked:

7. Don’t Tell A Soul (1989)

There is a theme of disillusionment in the lyrics, hinting at all the discontentment behind the scenes. Guitarist Bob Stinson was Dave Mustaine’d out for being too drunk by a group of notorious abusers of alcohol. His absence is palatable as the earlier drunken DIY vibes are gone, and the album reeks of “Fine, we’ll do it your way, dick!” The earlier roaring guitars and primal screams are replaced with overproduced pop rock and whispery vocals. The word most associated with The Replacements is “influential” as their style and sound led to the grunge movement. But in terms of the alternative wuss rock of the late ‘90s, “Don’t Tell a Soul” is the blueprint. On it the Replacements crawled so the Goo Goo Dolls could suck.

Play it again: “Anywhere’s Better Than Here”
Skip it: “They’re Blind”

6. All Shook Down (1990)

Legend has it the Replacements formed after Paul Westerberg kept stopping by after hearing the bandmates playing in their garage, and worked his way into the group. With “All Shook Down” Westerberg shoved the rest of the band out. Set to be a solo record, management convinced him to brand it as a Replacements album as an afterthought after recording had started. There are solid tracks on this folky-alternative record, but do not expect anything hardcore, if the band wore leather and spikes, they would be worn down to a nub. This is the album the high school art teacher put on when he’d go to in the yearbook darkroom to smoke weed.

Play it again: “My Little Problem”
Skip it: “All Shook Down”

5. Hootenanny (1983)

The words “mature” and “experimental” are the kiss of death of the sophomore album, but while expanding their playbook, the Replacements cemented their reputation as losers who sing songs about losers. They flirted with country, rockabilly, and surf (thankfully on separate songs) while leveling up their playing, songwriting, and humor. The lyrics included clever, but not cloying wordplay, and there’s a level of infectious alcohol-soaked fun on this album. The Replacements shows had a reputation of being either an elevated experience or a drunken trainwreck, this album captures both. The tighter songs live on as classics, some of the sillier stuff works (“Lovelines”), but others go over as well as a broccoli fart (“Mr. Whirly”). Fuckarounds can be fun, but it reaches a point where you just want Andy Kaufman to do something funny.

Play it again: “Color Me Impressed”
Skip it: “Hootenanny”

4. Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Trash (1981)

The Replacements were considered “College Rock,” but a more apt genre would be “Music Your Cousin Bill Plays When He Offers to Take You for Ice Cream, but is Really Just Looking for an Excuse to Leave the House to Smoke Cigarettes Rock.” The Replacements were two brothers and two other guys who were fans of British Invasion, folk, and ‘70s arena rock but lacked the skills, found punk, decided that was the road. The result is speedy, snotty punk that comes out a bit like DC Hardcore, from guys who look like extras from “Dazed and Confused.” The tracks are short melodic bursts where the choruses are just the song title repeated twice. A solid debut that cemented their “Lil’ stinker” attitude, they could have toured for years on this alone until they all sue each other for songwriting credit 40 years later.

Play it again: “I’m in Trouble”
Skip it: “Customer”

3. Let It Be (1984)

“Let It Be” is the rare case where too many cooks made a delicious broth. This one has it all– goofpunk (a term I just invented to describe “Tommy Gets His Tonsils Out” and “Gary’s Got A Boner”), a song shitting on Hair Metal followed by a KISS cover. And when NPR produces a podcast series about jangly rock, the opening chords of this album will warrant a two-parter. The rest of the tracks are the best encapsulation of adolescent angst by men in their 20s who don’t have nefarious intentions with children. For other acts, the answering machine became fodder for dopey skits, but they wrote a song about how much they hate answering machines. In 1984. I assume this is what they mean when they say the Replacements were before their time, rather than being grunge before grunge was grunge.

Play it again: “I Will Dare”
Skip it: “We’re Coming Out”

2. Pleased to Meet Me (1987)

On a Replacements album, you could look forward to a mix of hard-driving songs about drinking and soft piano-driven ballads about drunks. They regularly played in two sandboxes of cynicism and emotion, displaying sincerity while pulling the modern edgy podcaster excuse of, “You don’t get it? I was just joking.” This album went straight down the middle—heart-on-your-sleeve lyrics under a facade of a don’t give a fuck attitude, but knowing their reputation of being drunken rapscallions, they took the sloppier songs a bit more seriously, loud and loose but with a bit of studio sheen. Everything about this album is an exercise in contrasts, from the album art to the album title which is why the most recognized track, “Can’t Hardly Wait,” the perfect mix of oil and vinegar, was used on the soundtrack to the movie of the same name and every high school movie since.

Play it again: “Alex Chilton”
Skip it: “I Don’t Know”

1. Tim (1985)

If you’re reading this, you’re obviously old enough to have read print magazines’ rankings of the best albums. “Tim” is always there, confounding record store dicks who claim signing to a major label ruins everything. Not with the Replacements, they’ll put out one of the most critically acclaimed albums of all time, and torpedo themselves. When forced to make videos, they released a single shot of a stereo. They also botched their gigs as a touring support act, and notoriously performed drunk and swore on-mic on Saturday Night Live. If there’s one thing the racist, plagiarizing cokeheads at SNL can’t stand, it’s musicians who drink and swear. The album feels like a night of drinking: getting ready, meeting up with friends at the bar, drinking too much, getting loud, and leaving sad and remorseful. But even with their self-sabotage, the Tommy Ramone-produced album reeks of unreached potential, which is probably why “Bastards of Young” was featured on “The Bear” along with an on-screen monologue about their legacy.

Play it again: “Bastards of Young”
Skip it: “Lay it Down Clown”

 

Guitar Center Employee With Tiny Ponytail Demoted to Lighting Department

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CLACKAMAS, Ore. — Local Guitar Center employee Teddy Burns was informed he would be relegated to the store’s desolate lighting department due to the fact his ponytail is not in line with the company’s established dress code, management confirmed.

“Everyone who leads in sales also happens to have a ponytail that reaches the middle of their back, it’s not lost on me. When someone comes in to buy a guitar they want to know the person selling it to them can perform amazing figure eights with their hair,” said Burns from his secluded section of the store. “Unfortunately my hair just doesn’t grow like that, I was hoping my small ponytail would at least allow me to sell keyboards, but I need another eight inches before they let me near the Yamahas. It gets lonely in lighting, the only people that ever come back here are usually just looking for the bathroom or trying to shoplift.”

Store manager Ira Greyson says the company’s dress code is clearly laid out during the hiring process.

“We want all the members of our sales team to have long flowing ponytails that scream ‘This person can play every Metallica song from memory’ and unfortunately Teddy just has this little baby nub of a ponytail that says ‘I do yoga in the park.’ We just can’t have that,” said Greyson. “Market research shows that team members with long ponytails are better at sales. We have this one guy Gary with a ponytail that nearly touches the floor. He could sell a 12-string electric bass guitar to a folk musician, he’s that good.”

Guitar Center CEO Ronald Japinga admits he is slightly confused by the positive ponytail statistics.

“When I first came on board I was shocked by the ponytail data I was seeing. Regrettably, I instituted a policy where all our salespeople had to tuck their long flowing hair into a hat and we saw our sales dip by 4,000% within two days,” said Japinga. “I’ll admit that I don’t think most of the people that work for Guitar Center have any respect for me simply because I have a standard business haircut. It doesn’t matter how well I can play ‘Smoke on the Water,’ they want a CEO that looks like prime Yngwie Malmsteen.”

At press time, Burns is looking for new employment opportunities at a nearby Trader Joe’s but worries about his ability to start pointless conversations with customers about every item they purchase.

Fans Rejoice as Phoebe Bridgers Announces She’s Gonna Dress as a Frankenstein

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Phoebe Bridgers’ fans were overjoyed recently after it was announced the indie artist will spend her upcoming international tour dressed as “a Frankenstein,” spooktacular sources confirmed.

“Overwhelmingly, the fan response to Phoebe retiring the skeleton garb in favor of a classic ‘Frankenstein’ has been positive. Speaking as both a friend and as someone on her payroll, I’m in awe of how Phoebe continues to break new ground in ironic costuming,” said Bridgers’ assistant Kiran Vargas. “And we’re not talking about some artsy, ‘90s Robert Deniro Frankenstein. It’s gonna be ugly green makeup, big black boots, and ghastly as heck neck bolts. And each show will kick off with a dude in a lab coat screaming ‘she’s alive, and ready to rock’ as Phoebe rises from a metal slab.”

Bridgers elaborated on the creative process that led her to this decision.

“When it comes to touring, stage attire has always been my top priority. Much more so than conditioning, practicing, or even planning which cities we’ll visit. So I like to stock up on supplies at my local Spirit Halloween store,” said Bridgers. “It took me a few months before I landed on Frankie. Originally I thought of doing something more modern. But I tweaked my hip trying to learn the ‘M3gan’ dance. I then very briefly considered being the ‘Saw’ puppet. The suit and red bowtie were definitely on brand. But I just couldn’t play guitar and ride a tricycle.”

Some however criticized the announcement, including representatives of the estate of “Monster Mash” writer Bobby “Boris” Pickett.

“Any sort of live musical show that refers to or implies a graveyard smash that will catch on in a flash is a clear violation of the copyright held by the estate of Mr. Pickett. And we believe Ms. Bridgers’ has done exactly that,” said lawyer Lexi Walton. “Frankly, we are shocked by Bridgers’ flagrant copyright infringement. If we went after Universal for their ‘Rock and Roll Graveyard Revue’ live show, what makes her think we won’t also nail her ass in court?”

At press time, several crusty, Boomer rock stars have gone out of their way to criticize Bridgers for calling it a “Frankenstein” costume rather than a “Frankenstein’s monster” costume.

Bruce Springsteen Song Characters Ranked by How Healthy Their Relationship is With The Boss

Posted on by Tom K

He goes by many names. Bruce, The Boss, uh, “old fuss and feathers” maybe. More importantly, Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen has got stories. LOTS of stories. And within those stories are even more characters. We all know the songs, but have we ever taken a deep dive into the actual well-being of all the Marys, Billys, Sherrys, Terrys, and, yes, the Shaniquas? Possibly. But we’re doing it again here. We’re ranking the health of the relationships between Bruce and his characters. Nothing like taking an incredibly complex, nuanced, and intangible concept like human connection and slapping numbers on them.

Now by our count, Bruce has 104 songs that mention somebody by real name (with apologies to all you Magic Rats, G-Mans, and Fish Ladies), so we had to cut down because we know you don’t want to read all that and we certainly don’t want to write all that. So we just picked 20, ranked from least healthy to most healthy. (Note: to qualify for this list, Bruce—or whatever he was calling himself in the song—has to explicitly interact with said character, not just play the role of narrator).

20. Cindy (“Cindy” from The Ties That Bind)

She’s clearly not into you, Bruce. You’re playing up the way-too-common rock trope of aggressively ignoring the “no.” She’s got her parents lying for her. Move on.

19. Frankie (“Highway Patrolman” from Nebraska)

The endurance of familial bond. Frankie might be a blood relative, but he’s still toxic. By not holding Frankie accountable for his actions, Joe chooses brotherhood over morality. To some, this may seem honorable, but if we really care about Frankie, we want him held accountable. Get him some therapy or something. Letting him off the hook just because he’s your brother tells me you don’t value him as much as you value your relationship with him. Not healthy and also potentially endangering other innocent people.

18. Candy (“Candy’s Room” from Darkness on the Edge of Town)

Ah, yes. The “I’m humanizing this sex worker so obviously she has to fall in love with me” angle. Pass.

17. Mary (“The River” from The River)

Harrowing tale of two young lovers forced to grow up quick, check. Bittersweet tale of loyalty, commitment, and sacrifice, check. Bruce hearing the story of his sister getting pregnant in high school and thinking “Oh yeah, let me put myself in this story, first person,” [red flag emojis].

16. Sherry (“Sherry Darling” from The River)

Pro tip: if your love song for somebody is 93% about their mother…it is not a healthy relationship. Freudian-by-proxy.

15. Mary (“Mary Queen of Arkansas” from Greetings from Asbury Park, NJ)

There’s a large power dynamic here that isn’t totally healthy. The overall tone of the lyrics paints a one-sided relationship in which Bruce is hero-worshipping a non-reciprocating, distant Mary. It’s clearly got Bruce outside his head, because a functioning cognition would never produce the line “I’ve been a shine boy for your acid brat and a wharf rat of your state.” Bonus points for potential, if not problematic, non-binary representation way back in 1971 (“You’re not man enough for me to hate or woman enough for kissing”). You be you Mary.

14. Mary (“Thunder Road” from Born to Run)

Bruce is plainly stating what he has to offer (“I’m no hero, that’s understood”). Honesty and realism is essential to any healthy relationship. What’s troubling is the line “Don’t turn me home again.” Is this not the first time Bruce has made his pitch? Is he not respecting the “no” from Mary? Then we find out Mary’s tendency to waste her summers “praying in vain for a savior to rise from these streets.” Sure sounds like Bruce is obsessed with Mary and Mary is waiting for someone better. It also sounds like Bruce is one of many (“There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away”). Don’t torture yourself, Bruce, find someone who sees your value.

13. Mary Lou (“Mary Lou” from Tracks)

In trying to portray himself as a romantic candidate brimming with gritty realism, Bruce comes off a little mansplain-y, a little gaslight-y, and pretty condescending. What’s wrong with Mary Lou setting her bar high? This song was written in 1979, so Bruce was in his Darkness “disillusionment is unavoidable” era while Mary Lou clearly still living her Wild, Innocent life.

12. Cynthia (“Cynthia” from Tracks)

It’s platonic (“You don’t smile or say hi but baby that’s alright ‘cause I don’t need to hold you or taste your kiss”) but a little resentful (“You ain’t the finest thing I’ll never have”). It’s good to see platonic representation in songs, but it undermines the impact when constantly compared to sexual opportunity.

11. Gloria (“Gloria’s Eyes” from Human Touch)

Just because a romantic relationship dies, doesn’t mean it’s unhealthy. Not every relationship works out and that’s okay. You can’t convince me, however, that this song isn’t about erectile dysfunction and Bruce’s slapstick, sitcom-esque attempts to cover (“I was you big man […] I tried to trick you, yeah but baby you got wise […] you cut me right down to size […] at night I pray as silently as you lie/some day my love again will rise”). Big yikes.

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Unlucky Show Photographer Takes Smoke Break During Band With Loch Ness Monster on Drums

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

PETALUMA, Calif. — Show photographer Zach Pleshette experienced a massive stroke of hard luck when he chose to take a smoke break during the set of a band whose drummer is the fabled Loch Ness Monster, stunned sources confirmed.

“Dude, frankly? I don’t even want to talk about it. To say I’m still stunned and ashamed is a huge understatement. I mean, the show had been so humdrum at that point, I figured I’d just pop out for a few cigarettes… fifteen minutes later I walk back in and everyone’s coming up to me hooting ‘Wow! Bet you’re glad you had your camera for that!’ What horrible luck,” said now former event photographer Pleshette. “I coulda had a million dollar photo in my portfolio. This is just like the time I missed Santa Claus debut his hour of stand up. I fuckin’ quit.”

Members of the Monster’s band Abbreviated Septum have nothing but kind remarks to offer about their drummer.

“Oh, we’ve been playing with Nessie for years now, she’s great. Never seems to stick around for interviews, or publicity of any kind, really, come to think of it. Values her privacy, I guess, which I totally gett. There are some real psychos out there. So, whatever, she wails on those drums and is getting us huge Bandcamp numbers in Scotland,” said Abbreviated Septum singer Linder Rufat. “She’s, like, a thousand times better than that Jersey Devil asshole that used to sit in with us.”

Self-described “cryptomusicologist” Dr. Aileen Artemis noted that band photography has always been a difficult aspect of her chosen field.

“It’s profoundly rare in these circles to ever think to grab your camera, one is usually just too baffled. No one is ever ready to see, say, the Mothman. And they’re even less ready to hear his bedroom pop project live on stage. This means that, typically, tales of these sets can only be passed down by way of campfire ghost story,” said Dr. Artemis. “Or the occasional psychotic etchings on bar napkins that sadly nobody ever takes seriously. I must say, in my professional opinion, Pleshette really blew it on this one.”

At press time, it was revealed an audience member did manage to take a photo, but Nessie was playing a fill so fast that it was a classic blur like always.

Weekly Drinking Night Ruined by Excessive Board Gaming

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

CINCINNATI — A weekly meetup where a group of friends gather to drink alcohol and enjoy one another’s company was once again spoiled by the introduction and uncontrolled use of board games, confirmed multiple buzzed sources.

“This night used to be about a bunch of buddies getting together and bonding over a shared interest in booze,” said Will Reid, who hosts the gatherings at his house. “Now it’s just dice roll after dice roll until they all blur together. As the night goes on, people start getting belligerent. Actual fights have broken out over different interpretations of the rules. Hell, Kenny doesn’t even come around anymore. He developed a board game problem in college and says this isn’t a safe environment for him anymore.”

Mark Hardin, whose wife Kristina attends the weekly get-togethers, said he has grown increasingly concerned as the night’s focus shifted from beer to gaming.

“I was happy when it started,” said Hardin, who explained that he enjoyed having some alone time to work on his car. “Kristina would meet up with her friends after work on Thursdays and have a couple of beers as they caught up about work and life, that sort of thing. She’d be home in time to tuck our kids into bed, laughing as she shared her friends’ stories with me. Nowadays, she’s out until all hours of the night. It’s the worst when they play Twilight Imperium. There have been Friday mornings when I’ve woken up alone.”

Professor Norman Underwood, a gaming epidemiology researcher at Northwestern University, said that the issue is hardly limited to Reid’s group.

“After the lockdown, we saw lots of people eager to re-establish connections with their friends and loved ones,” said Underwood, who stressed that there is no safe amount of board gaming. “They started organizing these drinking nights as a healthy, harmless way of rebuilding relationships. Unfortunately, it was only a matter of time before some well-intentioned invitee brought along their copy of Settlers of Catan without thinking about the consequences. Even some more savvy groups might be fooled by more recent games like Drinking Quest. Really, without early intervention and board game safety education in the schools, we’re just going to see this sort of thing continue to spread and worsen for decades.”

At press time, Reid and his friends were excitedly gathered around his kitchen table, ready to sample an exotic board game that one of them had brought back from a trip to Germany.

It’s a Drinking Game and a Tabletop RPG! Drinking Quest: Belch of the Wild now on Kickstarter! Belch Today!

Every Pierce the Veil Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Before reading the text below, some obsessively avid and perpetually bitter readers of The Hard Times will most certainly say that this Pierce the Veil album ranking article is off-brand and should’ve been cut long before it was written. Other more casual, less-angry-but-still-somehow-quite-angry fans of revered literature and brilliant satire will also likely spout the same, as people in those respective categories don’t often mince words. It’s hard out there for a knife pun that penetrates through your heart and an overpriced Hot Topic exclusive merch pre-order that perforates through your wallet, but for the few of you neckbearded, Warped Tour vets who decided to read on, we ranked all five of Pierce the Veil’s LPs below. Yes, the band has more than one song, and no, you’re not original with that zinger, so please take a stab at another hilarious joke in the comments.

5. A Flair for the Dramatic (2007)

2007 was a strange, strange year for music and fashion in the hard rock world. My Chemical Romance-influenced guyliner slowly started to disappear to the end from Warped Tour kids in favor of way-too-tight t-shirts with bright colors and obnoxiously happy dinosaurs going “RAWR.” Yes. Dinosaurs. Yes. RAWR. No. You should be ashamed of yourself if you partook in this trend. Basically, this time period foreshadowed a dark-in-the-corniest way aggressive musical future moving forward in spite of (mice & men) and its vomit-inducing neon colors. Pierce the Veil is objectively cheesy, especially at its beginning, but definitely one of the less cringey of the pack; we’re looking at you, crabcore. Hard pass. Still, this debut album is the band’s worst effort and we aren’t taking any more questions on the matter.

Play it again: “Chemical Kids and Mechanical Brides”
Skip it: “She Sings in the Morning”

4. Misadventures (2016)

Taking a high-school-length break between albums makes sense for Pierce the Veil in a theoretical form given singer/guitarist Vic Fuentes’ grating-to-some soprano voice and the band’s obnoxiously loud-to-all pre-pubescent fan base. Anyway, between its breakout and yet-to-be-mentioned 2012 effort “Collide with the Sky,” PTV released the aptly and appropriately titled “Misadventures” in 2016, proving that a surprisingly long and four-year strong break isn’t always worth the effort. Bada Bing! Wit a Pipe! Puberty has its literal growing pains, and this album contains some tracks that stupid idiot superfans of the band will love, but it isn’t a gold medal ribbon-winning and consistent front-to-back listen for any outside of those circles.

Play it again: “Circles”
Skip it: “Sambuka”

3. The Jaws of Life (2023) 

Speaking of something long (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID), 2023’s “The Jaws of Life” came out seven years after “Misadventures,” which is the combined amount of time that a 2.0-GPA student goes through college and law school, and extremely atypical for other bands in the similar flash-in-the-pan nu-screamo world. Fans of this LP will likely call this record the band’s most progressive one, but if we have to read one more article about a band’s newest record being their most mature album, we will act very, very justifiably immature and call the guilty writers and listeners poo-poo-pee-pee heads. Shit’s lazy and overdone. Still, “The Jaws of Life” is very likely the band’s best album for non-listeners who wouldn’t give more than five seconds to a prior PTV album. This one snugly feels closer to ‘90s flannel than the four other releases and was clearly influenced by much, much, much, much better music, as evidenced by its finest composition and best song title below. Milk it.

Play it again: “Pass the Nirvana”
Skip it: “Irrational Fears – Interlude”

2. Selfish Machines (2010)

The band’s last effort on Equal Vision Records, 2010’s “Selfish Machines,” shreds harder than both Bebop and Rocksteady ever could or should, and is a fan favorite that will likely enrage ardent Pierce the Veil obsessors for this silver medal slot when it should’ve gone gold in more ways than one; if you think otherwise about its ranking, please stay away from my friends. Seriously, creep(s). This sophomore release proved the popular expression that timing is everything, and a feature from the then-stratospherically-rising A Day To Remember helped ensure that the PTV’s next album would have more eyes and ears on it. Insert sell-out joke here.

Play it again: “Besitos”
Skip it: “Southern Constellations” (seriously, why wasn’t track 2 just combined with track 3 into one slightly longer tune; idiots)

1. Collide with the Sky (2012)

Since record sales solely gauge a record’s worth, 2012’s “Collide with the Sky” showcases Pierce the Veil’s finest hour at forty-six minutes and fourteen seconds, and is overall their best and least amount of filler LP. Like we said several times throughout this piece, stop trying hard to disagree by ranking its two predecessors higher, you misguided, off-base morons are trying too damn hard to be punk in a world that truly isn’t. Sorry not sorry. Basically, the band moved from a cult favorite second-of-four opening act to a solid big room headliner with its release, and the band’s third album had a minor hit with its O-Town and 2gether collaboration song “King For A Day.”

Play it again: “Bulls In The Bronx”
Skip it: The First Punch”

How To Tell the Security Guard at the Drug Store You’re Not Shoplifting, You’re Just Incredibly Stoned

Posted on by Elanna White

It’s 3pm on a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and you’ve been home all day. You lick the strawberry rolling paper of your joint and set off on your walk, puffing along happily when it hits you: there are zero snacks at home. You step through the drug store’s automatic doors, pajama pants blowing in the cool air conditioning but you soon realize your worst fears may be coming true. The security guard is giving you the side eye. Here are a few ways to convey to them that you’re not shoplifting, you’re just incredibly stoned.

The Inquirer
So you’ve been blankly pacing the “as seen on TV” aisle for a little too long, you can at least admit that. But the seasonal scrub daddies are just SO CUTE. Then, the feeling of someone watching you starts looming. This is a moment when the informational overload surrounding you will come in handy. Just pile that fucker up with questions. Can you make cookies with the George Foreman grill? Do they know that the oxi-clean guy died?? No sober person under 70 would be that enthusiastic about the home shopping network. The only downside is that now you’re going home with a slap chop. But at least that means dinner will be easy!

The Fake Phone Call
You’ve moved on to the snack aisle. This is where you really shine. There are 3 new novelty flavors of potato chip out and gummies are 2 for 1. This is an area that’s ideal for the Fake Phone Call. Get on the phone with that “loved one” who desperately needs to know about today’s selection of chocolate-covered nuts. HINT: Try to work in the phrase “munchies” every 7 ½ words.

The 70’s Dad
Perhaps the most straightforward on this list, this one may involve some expert physicality. If the security guard makes prolonged eye contact with you, simply push your pointer finger and thumb together and bring them to your mouth alla a tokin’ dad from the 70s. And if they don’t get it? Easy! Just pretend that you have bad allergies. Though if they think you’re inviting them out for a smoke? Sorry bud, you’re screwed.

The Silent Treatment
Don’t! Gather your loot, go nonverbal, and get the fuck out of there. Just pray to the AI gods that the self-checkout works properly. Happy munching!

Introverted Office Worker With New Haircut About to Walk Into Fucking Minefield

Posted on by Doug Kolic

WILMINGTON, Del. — Office introvert Chandler Pike was cautiously optimistic that his shorter-than-usual haircut would go unnoticed by colleagues, according to sources who overheard him trying to convince himself of that.

“Maybe I’m just overreacting. Sure, everybody here leads such rich and fulfilling lives that they won’t even notice something as trivial as a haircut, right?” said Pike as he examined himself in the mirror. “I always tell my barber not to take too much off or those animals are going to have an absolute field day with me since they know how much I hate any kind of attention. I just have to relax and remember today’s Diane’s big going away party so I’m sure everyone will be preoccupied and won’t have time to make a big deal of my hair. It’s gonna be fine.”

Pike’s coworker and keen office observer Jared Davenport expressed excitement about the news.

“I just saw Chandler as he walked into the building and holy fucking shit, I cannot wait to roast his ass for getting a slightly different haircut than he has in the past. I better get up to the office before he does so I can make a big deal of it,” stated Davenport as he texted other workmates about it. “I know today’s Diane’s last day and all, but a colleague with a new doo should never be ignored. Things are really monotonous around here, so whenever we notice anything different from a new pair of pants to a shaved mustache, we lose our minds. Us office jackals need to feed, and fresh gazelle meat is about to walk through the door sporting a tasty new haircut.”

Director of HR Consulting Sara Honeycomb explained how unwanted attention comes with the territory of working at uneventful jobs.

“Most of the people who I see on a daily basis are introverts complaining about their coworkers constantly pointing out something new about them,” said Honeycomb. “Normally there’s nothing wrong with a compliment, but in the self-contained toxic petri dish of office culture that can often spiral into a barrage of intolerable comments which can easily lead to serious conflict or worse, a new nickname that they’ll never live down. I’d probably call him ‘Buzz’.”

At press time, Pike reportedly caught wind of the office’s plans after being inadvertently included on Davenport’s group chat, and was last seen running out of the building and heading straight home.

Man Seeing the Words “Ron DeSantis Car Crash” Has Hopes Dashed Shortly After

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — High school math teacher Charles Negley experienced a fleeting moment of euphoria followed by utter disappointment earlier today, after reading news that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was in a car crash, equally disappointed sources confirmed.

“Look, I’m not trying to sound like an asshole, but I was scrolling Reddit and saw the words ‘Ron DeSantis Car Crash’ and for a fleeting moment I experienced pure joy when I pictured his body on fire,” Negley said while donating to Justin Jones. “DeSantis has single-handedly brought the most deranged, cruel, and revisionist policies to one of the most populous states in the country. He’s like a less charismatic but more capable Trump. That’s fucking terrifying. So yeah, I got excited at the prospect that he might have flown through a windshield and died slowly on the asphalt. The despair I felt after reading he was uninjured can only be matched by my disappointment in my father for most of my childhood, and that’s saying something.”

The Presidential candidate himself offered a statement on those who were cheering for his tragic demise.

“This is what happens when we let wokeness into our country,” DeSantis said while forgetting to blink for several minutes. “Woke values have encouraged strangers on the internet to wish death on me, and also they’re all trans and gay now. Without Bud Light and Disney, no one would ever think poorly of me, or be upset that I didn’t die in a car crash. A real car crash, not just a metaphor for my campaign.”

Political pundit and Twitch streamer Hasan Piker was one of many talking heads who bemoaned current car safety standards.

“I’m fuckin’ distressed, man. I was really hoping ol’ Ron Pudding Fingers bit the dust,” Piker said while watching himself lift weights in the mirror. “It’s funny, he was uninjured due to safety standards he would roll back in a heartbeat if GM said something like ‘Seatbelts make boys want to be girls’ without any evidence to back it up. Unfortunately for everyone, the car didn’t explode on impact. I could have started a ‘Dead-Santis’ hype train in my chat and made at least $10k. Missed opportunity.”

At press time, Negley was seen Googling “how long for stroke after car crash.”