Ever Since I was 10 years old and saw a t-shirt with the cast of “The Simpsons” made to look like “The Sopranos,” I knew t-shirts were my calling. Today, I am the proud owner of Whack-Eyed Tees, the most cutting-edge t-shirt shop in all of Venice Beach, but I’m just getting started.
I need to grow my humble little hut into an empire and to do it, I’m going to need some help. I’ve decided to partner up with someone from the most successful group of people I know, the cast of HBO’s “Succession.”
After a lengthy interview process, I’ve ranked every character from the hit financial drama by how much they can bring to the T-shirt hut game:
This woman shows up, briefly alludes to having a kid with Roman, and then vanishes from existence. I need people who are going to be on time, not disappear from reality.
52. Ewan Roy
Dude was offended I even approached him. “Your entire enterprise is the exact sort of hollow, pedantic, lowest common denominator drivel eroding the human spirit like a cancer from the inside, all in the name of the almighty dollar” were his exact words. We sell t-shirts, bro, chill.
51. Jeryd Mencken
With the exception of Roman, the overt Nazis on “Succession” are low on this list, and Jeryd Mencken is the lowest of the low. This dude dismissed someone for crying at their father’s funeral, he’s not someone I want to see when I stroll into work on molly.
50. Alessandro Daniels
His entire marketing strategy was that I should call my dad? I don’t even know my dad.
49. Marianne Hirsch
She spent the whole interview telling me I need to strategize, but she wouldn’t strategize with me! Then she told me I need to talk to Ewan some more, and that guy hates my ass. She’s out.
48. Nan Pierce
Weirdest interview ever. She stared at me making passive-aggressive small talk the whole time as her staff brainstormed and printed a shirt design. Then her maid handed it to her and then she handed it to me and said “This is my shirt that I made.”
All we know about Ray is that Logan once told him to piss in a bucket and he thought Logan was serious. I don’t know if he was intimidated or he’s really that literal, but either way, he doesn’t have what it takes to make my t-shirt shop the top on the boardwalk.
46. Lukas Matsson
Matsson sent in some physical prototype shirts wrapped in a very fancy package, but unfortunately, they were terrible. One was a shirt with the Teletubbies with dicks on their heads instead of shapes and the word “Not Teletubbies.” The other just said “Gay.” He also sent me some blood?
45. Peter Munion
I don’t know where this guy gets off. He spent the whole interview asking who else I knew on the boardwalk and saying he would love an introduction like I owed him something. Screw him and his cheese knobbies.
44. Maxim Pierce
Imagine what an incompetent pariah you need to be to wind up playing second fiddle to Connor Roy.
The dude’s only previous job experience was at The100, a company that never got off the ground. Pass.
42. Mark Ravenhead
Mark’s shirt design was a swastika, and he spent the whole interview telling me that it was a Tibetan swastika that had nothing to do with the Nazis.
41. Sylvia Ferreyra
Willa’s Mom spent the entire interview walking around the shop and announcing how she planned to redecorate. Did you know our vinyl press station would be the perfect spot for a chaise lounge?
40. Sophie and Iverson Roy
Kendall’s kids decided to work together as one creative team. Unfortunately, all their design pitches involve dead rabbits and parental neglect. Either of those subjects can be funny, but these kids just don’t have it.
39. Michelle-Anne Vanderhoven
The failed White House press secretary to t-shirt hut pipeline is more significant than you think, and it doesn’t usually work out for anyone involved.
38. Rat Fucker Sam
The boardwalk t-shirt shop game is a competitive, cutthroat world. I thought I could use his skill set to dig up some dirt on my neighbors over at “Tee Myself and I.” Unfortunately, his design pitch, a shirt featuring a cartoon rat with an enormous human penis and no caption, was terrible. He could be an asset, but only if I keep him in his lane.
37. Rava Roy
Her pitches were all plays on “Live Laugh Love.” “Live Laugh Divorce,” “Live Laugh Chardonnay,” “Live, Laugh, Overreact,” etc. Kinda played out, Rava. You’re too online, and mostly Facebook mom groups from the looks of it.
36. Tom Wambsgans
Tom may have “won the succession” and he’s a company man through and through, but he brings absolutely nothing to the table creatively. He did offer to go to prison for me several times, but unless he can deep fake himself in that video of me setting fire to “Beach Tees and Beyond” I’m going to need to keep exploring other legal strategies.
35. Connor Roy
Connor’s pitch: A cartoon drawing of Napoleon with a visible erection captioned with “Napoleon Bonerapart.” He emphasized that the length and girth were “100% historically accurate.” Not the issue Con.
34. Sandi/Sandy Furness
You would think a father/daughter team would be relatively wholesome, but no. The t-shirt design pitches that twisted old man whispered to that woman to relate to me were some of the most depraved things I’ve ever heard in my life. There was one involving a catheter and an orphanage that will haunt my nightmares forever. We like to be edgy at Whack-eyed Tees, but the things this man wanted to print would get us shut down and possibly arrested.
33. Lawrence Yee
10 years ago Lawrence would have made the top of this list in a heartbeat, but he’s a little too stuck in the VICE era to make it in today’s t-shirt game.
32. Daniel Jiménez
If this guy couldn’t beat Jeryd Mencken in an election, how is he going to help me push out those yahoos over at Patriot Tees?
31. Frank Vernon
“I went for three jobs, I didn’t get them, my vineyard was a write-off and now my trophy wife is sucking some waiter’s dick in Palermo and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” Make that four jobs Frank, we’re passing.
30. Hugo Baker
Hugo’s inept opportunism is the opposite of what we need, and his t-shirt pitches left something to be desired as well. One was a dog with his face saying “Woof Woof” and another had a pilot script for a zany sitcom starring him printed all over it.