LOS ANGELES — Live music extortion racket Ticketmaster recently celebrated the surprise release of a brand new feature to its service where they send a couple of goons over to your place of residence, shake you upside down, and then take whatever falls out of you, sources who are going to be a little short on rent this month confirmed.
“I was only buying tickets for a twenty dollar show with a couple no-name touring bands. But then five minutes later, two hairy dudes wearing matching grease-stained, short sleeve jumpsuits knocked on my door and when I opened it they shook the ever-loving fuck out of me,” detailed Ticketmaster user Carlos Rodriguez. “They got my phone, my keys, like two dollars in loose change, half a tube of Chapstick and a receipt from Home Depot. Oh, and also this scratch-off I bought that, ironically, I won a free ticket on.”
One of the burly guys known only as “Jocko” shared his perspective.
“I’m just doing my job. The ticket misters pay me to shake, not to think. The people will scream, the people try to fight, but they cannot hurt Jocko. Nothing hurts Jocko,” belched Jocko while scratching seemingly every part of himself. “After the shaking I pick up what comes out and put it in the big box. Don’t ask no more questions now.”
A spokesperson for Ticketmaster explained the company’s decision to institute the new feature, which thus far has netted the company three industrial warehouses full of its users’ random belongings.
“The company has recently decided to take its image in a new direction. Sure, we could just tack on another forty dollars in unavoidable fees, but it just lacks the more personal touch of having a couple of old school kneecap breakers rattle our users until they’re indisposed,” said spokesperson Thad Loomis. “Plus this way we get to extort our customers out of sentimentally valued things too. We’ve collected so many irreplaceable family heirlooms that we have absolutely no use for—but hey, if it wasn’t with losing your grandmother’s Titanic locket, then maybe you didn’t actually need to see Taylor Swift that bad.”
At press time, Ticketmaster expanded the feature to ensure that after the burly guys take all your shit, they also push over your mailbox on their way out.