SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local punk Frankie Walker was assumed to be the dominant one of his scene due to an impressive display of spikes on his jacket, concluded attendees at a Piss Babies show.
“Yeah, that’s right, I’m the king shit around here,” confirmed Walker. “I have the most pointy things on my apparel, which make me look larger to intimidate rivals. I also show other alpha punk traits, like drinking and smoking the most, and being able to borrow large amounts of money from friends without ever paying them back. My position entitles me to some sick perks. Like when a song starts, everyone waits for me to either open up the pit or bop my head contemplatively so they can follow my lead. As an extra warning to not fuck with me, I’ve marked the venue with my scent, which smells like old pizza that’s been left inside a car for too long.”
Subservient punk Jake Taylor embarrassingly recalled what happened when he tried to challenge Walker as scene leader.
“One night I showed up with a similar amount of spikes on my jacket, so of course, Frankie and I had to lock horns,” said Taylor. “We started to fight out front while everyone stood around us smoking cigarettes, but our jacket spikes locked together and we were stuck like that for the rest of the show. My buddy Gary eventually came by and loosened our interlocking spikes by lubing them up with his hair grease. Onlookers agreed that Frankie had emitted more impressive grunts during our encounter, so he won, and I had to confirm my respect for his position by responding ‘hell yeah!’ to all his comments on music.”
Behavioral ecologist Lisa Torres weighed in on punk pecking orders.
“I’ve been observing social hierarchies at basement shows for decades, and I’ve found that punks are unique in the animal kingdom,” said Torres. “Unlike with other species, punk rutting season occurs year-round, as they must continually battle for clout. Having scene cred is necessary for securing the sweetest band merch, and for getting rides to shows after your car is repossessed. Therefore, the dominant punk will fight fiercely to retain their position. We typically don’t see younger punks stepping in to rule the scene until the elder punk dies in their 40s.”
At press time, Walker was seen prowling around for a mate, preferably someone who has an insane amount of buckles on their combat boots.