Eight Takeaways from the First Republican Presidential Primary Debate

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Fox News hosted the first Republican presidential primary last night where eight of the worst people you could ever meet took the stage to prove how terrible they are. Notably absent was former President Trump who skipped the event amid his legal turmoil. Thankfully he was still able to show the world he was a complete piece of crap with a pre-taped interview with Tucker Carlson broadcast on X.

Here are eight key takeaways from the night.

Vivek Ramaswamy killed a hitchhiker in the high desert

During a tense exchange with former Vice President Mike Pence over January 6th Ramaswamy broke from his talking points, stared directly down the lens of a camera, and said “I’ll strangle you like I did to that guy outside of Bisbee. Nobody will ever find the body.” He then said he would be more than willing to pardon Trump if he was found guilty of any federal charges. Sources close to Ramaswamy confirmed that he remained visibly erect for several hours after his confession.

Ron DeSantis floundered due to technical issues with the remote control vibrator in his anus

The Florida governor seemed distracted and content to stay in the background all night. The few times he did speak up he kept complaining about the “erratic frequency” of the intimacy device his wife was controlling from their home in Florida. He claimed it felt good at some points, but other times felt like when you stick your tongue on a 9-volt battery. “No god-fearing taxpayer should have to shell out $180 for a Lovense Hush 2 Buttplug only for his wife’s control app to crash during an important meeting.”

Chris Christie finally realized how dumb of a name he has

Shortly after being introduced the former New Jersey governor seemingly had a moment of clarity regarding his name. “My parents must be the least creative people in the world,” Christie said in response to nothing. “They named their child ‘Christopher Christie?’ They couldn’t think of anything better? I’m basically fucking Robert Robertson, Tommy Thompson. Did they even love me?” Christie then refused to answer any more questions until people started referring to him as “Colt Christie.”

Mike Pence became the bad boy of the Republican Party

Pence surprised his rivals, the moderators, and the audience by shedding his suit within the first minute to reveal a fresh AC/DC shirt, which he then covered with a leather jacket before going on multiple expletive-laden rants. “People think I’m a little too buttoned up, well I got news for you friend, I’m a certified pussy hound,” Pence said before doing a vulgar gesture where he mimicked eating out a woman’s vagina for the remainder of his time. When asked about climate change he said “It’s fake as fuck, but as long as hot mommas keep dumping out their tits I don’t give a shit.” According to some reports he mimed jerking off in the direction of whoever was speaking.

Nikki Haley is out of touch with the party base

The former governor of South Carolina was the only candidate to acknowledge the reality of climate change, and the only person on stage to openly trash rising country star Oliver Anthony whose song “Rich Men North of Richmond” is full of references to QAnon conspiracies. “This ginger fuck has the worst voice I’ve ever heard. I’m sorry, but if you want real country music give me some Garth Brooks,” Haley said to a chorus of boos. “My dumbest nephew could have written a better song in five minutes and the kid has never touched a guitar. That song sucks dick and the guy’s beard definitely smells like dog shit. You know he’s eaten out a dog’s ass at least once, you know it.”

Tim Scott clearly got the wrong sandwich before the debate

Scott, also from South Carolina, seemed distracted and upset all night due to a mix-up with his lunch order earlier in the day. When asked about global warming he replied “Let me answer your question with a question, is a meatball sandwich and a chicken parm sub the same thing pal? No, they’re not, right? I’m not crazy? Great.” Scott continued airing his grievance when asked about abortion rights. “I don’t care if they have the same cheese on top, they have different buns and you eat them at completely different angles,” Scott said. Scott’s bitterness toward an unnamed aid continued all the way into his closing statement “I had to wipe my hands on the couch like an animal. Grab napkins before you leave the restaurant, it’s common sense.”

Asa Hutchinson is terrified of aliens

During a brief exchange between Chris Christie and Moderator Martha MacCallum about the existence of extraterrestrials Asa Hutchinson screamed “They are already here and have been living in my brain for years.” The other candidates tried to laugh it off, but Hutchinson spoke in detail about how when he was a boy fishing by a creek he was abducted by aliens, forced to “smoke drugs,” and claimed he was given all the knowledge of how to survive the coming armageddon. After the outburst, he curled into a ball on the stage and mumbled “I never asked for any of this” over and over until production cut his mic and covered him with a Fox News blanket.

Doug Burgum is a liar when it comes to basketball

The governor of North Dakota almost didn’t make it to the stage after injuring his Achilles heel during a game of basketball with his staffers. When asked about details surrounding the injury Burgum claimed he had been 40 for 40 beyond the 3-point line with 75 rebounds and 230 assists. He said he ruptured the ligament when attempting a 360, between-the-legs dunk from the free throw line that he easily made, but because the dunk was so strong and shattered the glass he ended up hurting his leg when he landed back on the ground. He later clarified “Actually the injury was on purpose, because I’m tired of winning so easily.”

 

The Next Anthony Bourdain? This Guy Keeps Lighting Cigarettes Inside a Ramen Shop

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

I wait tables at a French bistro in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. We’ve got a Michelin star, a killer take on steak-frites, and a lot of line cooks with pill problems. The community down here is unbelievable, and it seems that every day, another aspiring gourmand arrives looking to actualize their culinary dreams.

Just the other day, I’m walking by Tori Noodle, and I see this string-bean looking fellow, dark sunglasses and a plain white tee shirt. I muse aloud to myself, “damn, could that be the next Anthony Bourdain?” But realistically, I probably just thought that because he kept lighting cigarettes inside a ramen shop.

Every day at Tori Noodle, he’s there. Two gorgeous plumes rising above him, one from his Tonkatsu ramen and the other from a freshly lit Marlboro Red. His face looks like it’s seen many shifts — either that or that he’s a 27-year-old so addicted to light beer that he’s basically aged double since his graduation from Sarah Lawrence College in 2018. (His degree was in Creative Writing.) Whenever I enter Tori to get my takeout order, I try to catch a whisper of him speaking to the servers. Truth is, it’s basically impossible to ever hear a word he’s saying because he’s got that cigarette stuck between his lips like, 24/7.

It’s pretty damn hard to find any real rockstars in this day and age. Men on the fringes of society, outsider artists like William Burroughs or my friend Ricky who builds sculptures out of stale kaiser rolls he steals from the dump. This guy though? I can tell that he’s the real deal. He smokes all day, certainly doesn’t have a girlfriend, and sports a tattoo on his bicep of Daniel Plainview flipping the bird. He’s a cultural outcast, someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about who’s going viral that day or why we probably shouldn’t listen to The Growlers anymore.

What’s more badass than spending 45 bucks on ramen every day?

I kept having fantasies of him telling me how much his soup reminded him of The New York Dolls. I decided to introduce myself.

My mind raced as I approached his table. Would he teach me the proper way to julienne carrots? Would he call me a cocksucker, slap me on the back, and say “sorry hombre, that’s just how we bastards talk in the restaurant biz”? Or would he take me under his wing, show me all the most underground bars in Manhattan? You know, the kind of place where you can get a beer, a slice of pepperoni pizza, and a handgun for only 3 bucks?

The conversation was much simpler than all that. He lowered his sunglasses, eyes bloodshot from drink, and said in the world’s driest voice, “got a bump of coke?”

Every Alex G Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Sean Mullee

Alex Giannascoli isn’t just the man behind the TikTok treehouse song. He’s also a prolific songwriter, avid dog lover, and the only musician (to my knowledge) who has been mistaken as Beto O’Rourke with pissed pants. For many aspiring bedroom musicians, he was the proof of concept for a path to success through DIY ethos and outlets like Bandcamp. Alex G’s plethora of influences and willingness to experiment has resulted in a particularly diverse discography. If you asked ten fans for their album ranking, you’d get ten completely different lists, at least three cases of head lice, and gaslit six ways to Sunday into thinking your opinion is wrong.

9. Winner (2011)

“Winner” is the proverbial black sheep of the discography. Banished from every streaming platform save for Bandcamp, plenty of fan lists forget to even include this in their ranking. Which is a shame, because there are lots of ideas on here that make the project worth a listen. But something’s gotta be last, and there’s a reason this one hasn’t gotten the same rerelease treatment as his other pre-label albums.

Play it again: “Explain”
Skip it: “Math” (I don’t like long division)

8. Rules (2012)

This album is full of all the pieces that make Alex’s music great: catchy lo-fi singer-songwriter tunes, a warm blanket of melancholy, and plenty of off-the-cuff, yet strangely sentimental, lyrics about pissing yourself and vomiting. Not to mention some nasty guitar instrumentals on songs like “Master” and “Message.” Unfortunately, just like plenty of Hard Times readers, this album has been doomed to live in the shadow of its overachieving younger brother.

Play it again: “Mis”
Skip it: “Know Now”

7. House of Sugar (2019)

There is no denying some of Alex’s most extreme and successful experimentation is included on this project, illustrated best by songs like “Gretel.” But the record takes a noticeable step down in quality on the wandering back half. Trying all sorts of crazy new things is a double-edged sword, which I learned the hard way after taking three different strains of mushrooms and forgetting how to open my eyes in the Natural History Museum.

Play it again: “Cow”
Skip it: “Sugar” (the instrumentation is solid but the “talking through a fan” vocals get grating)

6. God Save The Animals (2022)

With his most recent album, Alex dove deeper into his unique blend of electronic and country influence and delivered an introspective view of aging. “God Save The Animals” sees Alex exploring faith, family, and eternity, illustrated plainly by the fact that he finally outgrew his bedroom and recorded this one in the big boy studio. This also seems to be his most personal record, though any long-time listener has no doubt learned to take everything he says in his lyrics with a grain of salt.

Play it again: “Miracles” (relisten to the second verse on this knowing Alex’s long time partner is playing the violin part while pregnant with their child, a real tear-jerker)
Skip it: “S.D.O.S.”

5. Race (2010)

It’s impossible to listen to this debut and deny the natural gift Giannascoli has for writing oddball earworms. The melodies on standout songs like “Gnaw” and “Crab” far exceed the quality that could be expected of a seventeen-year-old recording in GarageBand. I know because at twenty-four the best writing I can do is for a satirical punk news site.

Play it again: “Let It Go” (this parlor piano that appears throughout the album is so campy you can’t help but smile)
Skip it: “Time/Space”

4. DSU (2014)

With the subdued and dreamlike flow of “DSU,” Alex G tapped into a new plane of artistry that began to push his trademark slacker rock sound into a realm of psychedelia. The heavy layering of vocals and unique instrumental elements creates an undulating soundscape that floats you every which way before spitting you back out on your crumb-covered mattress. A consistent album from back to front, and a staple of Alex’s discography.

Play it again: “After Ur Gone” and “Boy”
Skip it: “Axesteel”

3. Rocket (2017)

Fresh off an unexplained moniker change, (Sandy) Alex G came out swinging with this Americana folk obsessed project. Full of types of songs that make you imagine sitting on your grandpappy’s knee in a backwater town, “Rocket” is made full by lyrics of longing and the same ear for catchy tunes that has always been central to Alex’s success as a songwriter. This is a perfect album for a breezy drive on a hot summer day, save for “Brick” which is a noise-influenced single that feels like a UFO crash landed in the middle of the serene cornfield that is the rest of the tracklist.

Play it again: “Bobby” and “Powerful Man”
Skip it: If you don’t want to give your country-loving Meemaw a stroke, “Horse”

2. Trick (2012)

Hazy, fuzzy, and proof of the eternal quality of music produced by an artist true to themselves, “Trick” is in many ways the purest synthesis of the childhood nostalgia that has become synonymous with this era of Alex’s work. The low vocal mix, bedroom quality recording, and mature-beyond-years writing all blend perfectly, evoking bittersweet memories of school years and young love lost long ago. This was the album that began the legend of Alex G, told through songs about eating whale meat and getting dommed by weed.

Play it again: The last run of songs from “Mary” through “Adam” (+“Sarah” if you include the bonus tracks) has a little bit of everything that makes this album great
Skip it: “So”

1. Beach Music (2015)

Alex G’s first release after signing to Domino in 2015 would no doubt be many listeners’ first impression of the then 22-year-old musician. What followed was a young artist firing on all cylinders, letting himself be swept up by a wide-ranging wave of musical experimentation but never losing direction or that gut instinct for what would make a beautiful song. “Beach Music” is a warm and charming trip through diverse genres and the broken relationships Alex has always indulged in with his songwriting. But this time, he imbues the lyrics with a maturing sense of hope and growth stemming from pain. It’s an album that welcomes you more intently with each listen.

Play it again: Let the whole thing wash over you (especially “Kicker” and “Snot”)
Skip it: To my lou while listening to “Brite Boy”

Printing Error Resulting in Second Half of “Infinite Jest” Being Blank Goes Unnoticed for Years

Posted on by Tim Graham

CLAREMONT, Calif. — University student Lisa Dempsey discovered the latter half of her boyfriend’s copy of David Foster Wallace’s titanic novel “Infinite Jest” to be completely blank due to a printing error, according to sources who swear they’ve read the dense tome.

“I was waiting for Brian to finish a round of ‘Call of Duty’ so we could go out,” said Dempsey. “He always had this suspiciously pristine copy of ‘Infinite Jest’ on his coffee table, so I started flipping through it out of boredom and realized the words stopped about halfway through. Brian had boasted when we first met that he’d read and loved the book—this very copy, in fact. Right then, I knew he was full of shit and left without saying a word. It all makes sense now. When I initially asked him what the book was about, he gave me a summary that sounded awfully similar to the plot of ‘Air Bud.’”

The book’s publisher, Little, Brown and Company, admitted knowledge of the error.

“We realized the mistake right away,” said spokesperson Alison Dupree. “The latest edition of 75,000 books was indeed half-blank. Normally we would issue a recall, which would’ve been a massive loss on our part—but we decided to let it go and gamble that consumers would never even notice the misprint. People buy ‘Infinite Jest’ to put on display as more of a home accessory anyway. They never get near the halfway mark if they start reading it at all.”

Book industry consultant Karl Esper says that there are many more instances of publishing errors that go unnoticed.

“Mistakes happen,” said Esper. “But publishers are people, too—they get dispirited producing these highly intellectual books that they know no one’s ever going to read. To keep themselves entertained, they’ll work in little jokes here and there. For instance, the middle third of the latest edition of ‘Finnegans Wake’ was replaced entirely with scripts from the second season of ‘Young Sheldon.’ Mailer’s 1300-page ‘Harlot’s Ghost’ is another that goes mostly unread—a fun game is to see if you can find all 83 references to ‘Dunston Checks In’ that the publisher snuck in there.”

At press time, copies of Thomas Pynchon’s “Gravity’s Rainbow” were found to be hollowed out, with a publisher’s note suggesting the space could be used to conceal a flask or drug paraphernalia.

Punk Pied Piper Marches Army of Rats Right Back Into Town

Posted on by Doug Kolic

HAMELIN, Germany — Local residents awoke to the horrifying sight of thousands of filthy rats being led back into the center of town by the Punk Pied Piper, according to skeeved out sources looking for a new place to live.

“When I heard that the mayor hired someone to drive out all these adorable critters, I had to act,” said the Punk Piper as he sat absolutely covered in rodent shit. “The only reason I moved here was because I heard it was infested with my favorite vermin, then the next thing I know some clown in a striped cape playing a dumbass flute is leading them down to the Weser River to drown. Fortunately that’s where I was squatting, so I was able to ambush him and march these furry little kings and queens right back in. Anyone who doesn’t like it can play my skin flute.”

Johann Berkin, the Mayor of Hamelin gave his notably less positive side of the story.

“That disgusting punk ruined everything,” said Berkin. “We already had a great arrangement with the previous Piper who rid this town of that nasty plague, then as a bonus came back and took those annoying children too. Now I’m mayor of a town with the worst rat infestation in the entire Bavarian Kingdom, and my political career is toast. The water supply has been tainted, the crops are diseased, and the foundation to half the homes have been gnawed away. And I don’t even think the rats are responsible for that last one.”

Folklore expert Dr. Maya Reeves described the forgotten influence of punk characters in classic legends and fairy tales.

“Punk culture in popular fables is more common than people realize,” explained Reeves. “Originally Snow White had eight Dwarfs, the eighth being a crooked little shit who would steal everyone’s possessions when they slept so he could buy psychedelic mushrooms in the Haunted Forest. And in an early edition of Cinderella, there was a young punk suitor vying for her affection, but instead of trying to find the right glass slipper to fit her, he just wanted to smell her feet. You can see why this version never really hit home with parents, and it was eventually scrubbed from our collective memories, as it should be.”

At press time, the Punk Piper had passed away at the ripe old age of twenty-one from numerous illnesses after his body was found being ravaged by hordes of hungry rats.

Oy Guv, We Ranked the Top 50 Britpop Songs of the 1990s, Because This Is a Phase, Innit?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

You know what they say: if you remember Britpop, you weren’t there. Specifically, you probably weren’t in the United Kingdom in the 1990s, when a sudden surge of youthful national pride, guitar-based rejection of American grunge, and various Gallaghers seized the airwaves.

For a musical movement that lasted only as long as the cocaine was good and people in America could fake a bad Mancunian accent, Britpop still produced an amazing number of classic songs. We’re ranking the top 50, and no one can prove we don’t have a Union Jack draped across our shoulders right now.  (Listen to the playlist while you read the article.)

50. Saint Etienne “You’re in a Bad Way”

Saint Etienne predates, encompasses, transcends, and has outlasted Britpop, so we’re starting with them. This song is so British it makes you want to colonize something, but in a good, non-genocidal way.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2hBc9RKPN7UjlFxffkIFmq?si=57816095d795487d

49. Babybird “You’re Gorgeous”

You’re going to want to write this down: Britpop is sleazy as fuck. Although there are a bunch of songs about love and drugs and loving drugs, there’s also a whole bunch of immaculately produced pop songs about being a sleazy photographer who tries to fuck models. This is one of them.

48. The Beautiful South “Old Red Eyes Is Back”

The Beautiful South was a spinoff of the Housemartins and shared that band’s fondness for kitchen-sink stories about incredibly English losers. This one’s about a drunk.

https://open.spotify.com/track/3OihaYrnoyEhhTzauuIbQr?si=d03db3a770844a4a

47. Travis “Why Does It Always Rain On Me?”

Right now, some nerd is enraged because the gorgeously tragic “Why Does It Always Rain On Me” is clearly a post-Britpop song, not an actual Britpop song, even though Travis’ early work was Britpop, but there’s a difference. Shut the fuck up, nerd.

46. Longpigs “She Said”

Longpigs never really blew up like many of its Britpop peers, but they did manage one raggedly anthemic bile-spit of a song about self-loathing, like all great bands. Enjoy.

45. The Boo Radleys “Wake Up Boo!”

Songwriter Martin Carr says he spent a year writing the horn-driven melody and tight harmonies of “Wake Up Boo!” so it must suck that it’s only at #45. Still, it’s on the list, so, good job, Martin. It’s way better than any song we’ve ever written.

44. The Divine Comedy “Everybody Knows (But You)”

The Divine Comedy’s Neil Hannon has basically been cosplaying as Scott Walker since the early 1990s, but, fortunately, he can mostly pull it off. Scott would be proud of a lyric like “So now you’re my only friend/ I told the passers-by/ I made a small boy cry.”

https://open.spotify.com/track/7DfMPDm8qrKdEswaHZ1CWG?si=2852bc36220e443d

43. Bis “Kandy Pop”

And on the punkier side of Britpop, we have Bis with “Kandy Pop,” a song that makes you feel like you’re having a panic attack at a party full of loud weirdos, but, you know, in a fun way.

https://open.spotify.com/track/4A1pb9GnPwjQj3Y4I0Ztwp?si=dbbbd8d3a455427e

42. Suede “Animal Nitrate”

Let’s get one thing straight: Suede is going to show on this list more than once, and we’re not going to do any of this bullshit “London Suede” thing because some shithead lounge singer got a judge to agree with him. Anyway, this is a banger.

41. Kenickie “Punka”

Courtney Love called Kenickie “a big, raw-boned bunch of fucking sex,” and we have to admit it, she got it right this time. Call and response backing vocals, dense, fuzzy guitars, and Lauren Laverne’s thick-ass Sunderland accent? Yes, please.

https://open.spotify.com/track/50bTg9wkiLujadce2a9yQp?si=6ff269b9e4044432

40. The Bluetones “Slight Return”

What do you get when you mix Peter Buck’s famously jangling guitars with Belle and Sebastian’s winsome, yearning sensibilities? The Bluetones’ “Slight Return,” a seriously underrated piece of Britpop history.

39. Echobelly “Great Things”

In “Great Things,” Sonya Madan sings, “I want to do great things / I don’t want to compromise / I want to know what love is / I want to know everything.” If that doesn’t touch some part of your long-gone teenage soul, we don’t know what to tell you.

38. Gene “Olympian”

Gene has a bit of a reputation for being The Smiths wannabes, and it’s hard to make an argument against that. But you can listen to the melancholy, delicate “Olympian” without Morrissey guilt, so have at it.

37. James “Say Something”

The band James reportedly tried to hold back emotions on the Brian Eno-produced “Say Something,” which is pretty incredible considering we’re holding back tears right now. Remember this song next time you have a bad fight with your partner and need to feel even worse.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7MMbYOpnyQU4CzPqK7Tu2x?si=b72dbb32a24548ab

36. The Stone Roses “Tightrope”

After producing the best debut album ever made, the Stone Roses took years for a follow-up that made everyone mad, sad, and disappointed. Give “The Second Coming” another try sometime because the chant-along, Neil Young-like “Tightrope” practically redeems the whole thing.

35. The Auteurs “Starstruck”

Luke Haines of the Auteurs doesn’t like being lumped in with Britpop and talks a lot of shit about all the other bands, which is pretty much the most Britpop thing you can do, other than this guitar-driven, eerily pretty piece of musical spite.

34. Sleeper “Inbetweener”

Every single part of “Inbetweener” could be the hook of a lesser song, from the snotty verse by singer Louise Wener to the suddenly yearning, epic chorus to the putdowns of the outro. Wait, do we like it when hot singers insult us?

https://open.spotify.com/track/4GoqaAdOZqS1lyYODRwxlO?si=afa350c597944085

33. Suede “Trash”

Suede didn’t break out in the US like some of their peers, but Brett Anderson and the rest of the band had a lock on huge, self-pitying anthems years before anyone else in the scene. He’s called it a celebration of the band and their fans, and that’s just kind of nice in addition to being a fucking singalong.

32. Supergrass “Alright”

The music video for the absurdly cheery, piano-driven “Alright” made Supergrass look like such goofballs that Steven Spielberg offered to make them a Monkees-style TV show. They turned him down, but you get why he would.

https://open.spotify.com/track/5xC8uOesnn0udeXAYlAnoY?si=d3df6a92814b4e02

31. Pulp “Mis-Shapes”

“Mis-Shapes” is basically Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker’s call to arms for all the weirdos out there, a rallying cry for all the misfits and oddballs. Naturally, it was adopted by the very lunkheads he was railing against, but that’s because it’s just too good of a song.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7IgHTB9VMPwziPobbBbgfq?si=62001008f54049f1

30. Elastica “Vaseline”

Pounding drums. Clanking, robotic guitars and an industrial hiss. Singer Justine Frischmann’s too-cool vocals talking about…glue? Then a ridiculously catchy “LA LA LA” kicks in, and you’ve got a perfect song in just one minute and twenty seconds.

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Aging Nu Metal Fan Forced to Comb Over Thinning Soul Patch

Posted on by Matt Husser

INDIANAPOLIS — 38-year-old nu metal fan Bryce Spiller went to extreme lengths to maintain his soul patch after deciding to comb over his thinning facial hair, concerned friends confirmed.

“Just my luck, right when JNCOs start coming back in style my soul patch starts thinning,” said Spiller, while applying a heavy dose of hairspray to his chin. “It’s just hard to let it go, you know? When I first grew this soul patch it was as powerful and robust as the Family Values ‘98 lineup, and now it’s thinner than the Family Values ‘13 lineup. It looks natural though, right? Like more Sully from Godsmack and less Garth Brooks alter-ego Chris Gaines. I’ve seen a lot of people staring at it directly without saying anything to me, so I guess the comb over is working.”

Despite his desperate attempt to preserve the integrity of his flavor saver, Spiller’s co-workers weren’t buying the comb over job.

“I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling, his chin looks like Guy Fieri lost half his beard in a grease fire. At this point he really needs to give it up and just shave that space below his lip but above his chin,” said co-worker Phil Wentz. “At least the comb over beats those wispy threads he had dangling from his bottom lip before, for a while I thought he had a couple of those chin piercings like the lead singer from Disturbed. There’s a reason that trend didn’t catch on.”

But even as Spiller was ridiculed by co-workers, experts encouraged him to pull himself up by his wallet chain and not let the haters get him down.

“When Fred Durst started balding, did he let that stop him? No, he slapped on a red Yankees hat and didn’t take it off for 15 straight years,” said nu metal music critic Dirk Johnson. “Have you seen half of these bands? You just gotta braid the hair you got left, slap a piercing on it, and say you did that shit on purpose. Nu metal is all about accessorizing your face. Find me a nu metal artist or fan who doesn’t have some sort of facial accoutrement. You can’t.”

At press time, Spiller was seen scouring various MMA podcasts in search of discount codes for hair loss supplements in a last ditch effort to save his soul patch.

Typical! Waiter Walks Over Right As Mouth Full of Cock

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

MESA, Ariz. — A waiter’s routine check-in interrupted Ashleigh Firio stuffing six inches of cock in her mouth during a date night with her boyfriend at a local Chili’s Tuesday night, report amused fellow diners.

“This is so embarrassing! This literally always happens to me. We just settled in, got our drinks so I figured I had at least three minutes to spare, and it usually takes half that time if I really go to town. I swear the waiters here try to catch you with your mouth full just to make things awkward. And I can’t believe he just ran off before I could ask for a refill,” said Firio. “I mean that’s just bad service. I have a hard time believing this is the first time he’s seen someone fellated during the dinner rush. He can expect a smaller tip than I got tonight.”

John Sperry has been a server at Chili’s for 4 years and reports he’s still confused by the diner’s reaction.

“No, of course, I don’t time my visits to tables while someone is unable to speak because their mouth is wrapped around an erect penis. How many people do you think are sucking dick in Chili’s? Usually, we see some casual fingering, which we don’t recommend after eating our spicy bone-in wings by the way,” said Sperry before going on break. “But when it does happen I always have to wait for one person to swallow and I have to make note of which napkins they touched. It’s a whole ordeal. I wish they would save it for the parking lot or do it behind the dumpster like a normal person.

Modern etiquette author and self-proclaimed “millennial Emily Post,” Elia Rose, offered her take on these types of awkward confrontations, and how best to avoid them.

“We’ve all been there, babe, but you may be surprised to find out this is actually a somewhat avoidable situation,” said Rose. “Next time, consider asking the waiter for two sides of ranch after they’ve already brought your meal out. This ensures they’ll avoid returning to your table until it’s time to bring the check. Alternatively, you could bang in the bathroom.”

At press time, Sperry was seen pulling the plastic dividers from Covid out of storage because “y’all are too nasty.”

Opinion: I’ll Know I’ve Made It When I Can Finally Afford Much Less Comfortable Furniture

Posted on by Matt McInerney

Every night I sink into the familiar arms of the couch that has sat in my living room for the last decade. The way the pleather perfectly hugs my body serves as a tangible reminder that I still can’t afford that absurdly chic concrete chair from Design Within Reach. They say “dress for the job you want” but I’m desperately trying to decorate for the lifestyle I want. Clearly, I’m not there yet and this couch won’t let me forget it.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am trying. I just got these metal bar stools to replace my dining room set. They’re wildly uncomfortable, but at a mere $300 apiece, I’m not even in the ballpark of sophistication. It’s not as tragic as a Wayfair deal, but it’s basically the bottom of the Crate and Barrel.

What’s really missing from my open-plan kitchen/office/living room is a stiff, primary-colored geometric chair. Imagine reclining for a few fleeting moments in a piece more concerned with resembling a Mondrian than accommodating the human form.

Or picture a glass-top dining table set with four untouched cardboard Wiggle chairs. Not that I’m anywhere near affording that. I learned this the hard way after sneaking into a swanky hotel lobby and daring to lounge in one. Imagine my horror as I spilled my coffee and watched the chair slowly melt into nothing. I’m still chipping away at that $1,500 invoice.

But alas, here I am, stuck looking at this used La-Z-Boy I snagged off Craigslist during my college years. Worn perfectly to the shape of my frog-like butt, angled just right for binge-watching TV. Oh, how I’d love to replace it with an Eames chair so deep I have to strain my neck to see a screen.

Perhaps one day I’ll ascend to the pinnacle of high-end discomfort. Until then, I remain nestled in the embrace of my pedestrian furniture, comfortably numb. Longing for the day when that concrete chair will make my ass just regular numb. Plus, it’ll look fucking fantastic on Instagram.